Tuesday, September 30, 2014

A Tough Tuesday

It's been a tough Tuesday. I was so tired this morning (I think I overdid it yesterday with the walk, yoga, cleaning, etc.) and I think it really set me up for a bad fall this afternoon. The trigger? Some kinda worm crawling around Iroh's furry ass. Lovely, I know, but that disgusting stressor pushed me over the edge and now I'm swimming in negativity and loneliness.

Initially I was angry about the worms thing, as if Iroh has some sort of maniacal plan to mess with my life! Then I was freaking out because I'm pregnant which turned into a Google session which turned into a cleaning session when I should've been having a snack session. Next thing you know I'm lightheaded and crawling around the bedroom floor to fetch Saltines from my nightstand.

The Saltines didn't exactly do the trick so I wobbled out to the living room. The hubbo was doing his own thing, intermittently checking in on me (he later claimed "what more could I do") while I felt neglected. He did fetch me an applesauce but that didn't help much. Eventually I managed to get enough gusto to stand up and make some ramen to hold me over til dinner.

It was upsetting feeling so ill but I think the communication breakdown between the hubster and myself was most upsetting. I knew from the moment he got home (in the midst of my WORMS! freak out) that he felt neglected but in my panic I thought he would understand if I didn't ask about his day as I got caught up in frantic vacuuming. While he was holding that against me I was holding his lack of sympathy for my panic against him which shaped up to a horrible climax of mutual frustration and neglect by dinner time.

We talked, or tried to talk, but didn't really resolve anything. I still feel lonely and upset and we ended up spending a lot of the evening "alone" in the same room. I went to bed early but couldn't sleep and now I'm out in the living area with a case of heartburn and sadness. I tried to cry but couldn't. It really feels like a depressive episode I just don't know how bad it will get. I seem to have acknowledged it which may help head off complete meltdown but it doesn't always work that way...

Tomorrow I will have to get back on the self-care bandwagon and really police my thoughts (I've been having lots of isolation/loneliness mulling and put downs) and see if I can head this off. I really don't want to have to deal with a really dark episode just when I start to feel my baby kicking (Yes! I feel little Inchy for certain now, quite the swimmer!). Funny how pregnancy is such an amazing, life-affirming time yet can be riddled with such darkness. Did I mention that I've never thought about death more than while I've been pregnant? And that's counting the suicidal episodes!

I'm still working in my thoughts from the birth, another impact on my mood I'm sure. Everything went "fine" but there were some things that didn't sit well with me... I guess between the mental impact and the physical impact it's no wonder I'm feeling vulnerable.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Monday, September 29, 2014

Bouncing Back From a Birth

On the walk today I started getting tired pretty quick and nearly threw in the towel, but somehow I managed to finish the walk and do yoga, laundry, and bathe the dog! 

Considering I'm usually a zombie for 3 days after any birth I attend, I was pretty proud of myself for getting right back on the good habits wagon so soon. That said, I definitely hit the wall this afternoon when the hubster came home. 

He talked about a roast in the fridge for dinner and then commented "Hun, you are looking pregnant." I argued that I had always been fat and that I was just pudging out slouched on the couch, but he said, "Having a pooch is one thing, being baby shaped is another." Well cue the pregnancy hormone symphony because shortly thereafter I found myself tearing up saying, "I can't wait 2 hours for a roast to cook I need something now. I want Chinese." *whimper*

A trip through the Panda Express drive-thru and a couple episodes of "The League" later and I promptly passed out on the couch in a huge, satiated pregnancy blob.

In other news, I've been a bit of a hazard lately in the kitchen-to myself that is. Earlier this week I burned my left forearm on the upper heating element of the oven and today I burnt my left forearm on the oven door panel! Add that to the scabby blister on my left heel and the rash of bruises all over my body and call me a dalmatian. 

Still a bit tired but will try to post my reaction to this birth (my first attended as a pregnant lady) but for now I'm gonna suck down some water and finish some laundry!

Friday, September 26, 2014

How you know....

How you know you walked the dog the right amount... Like a timer poppin' outta the turkey! Dog flops, you done good!

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Yippee-More Rage!

Tonight was rough and I'm blaming pregnancy hormones... and a touch of weak mental control. Have you ever heard yourself blathering on, spewing negativity over and over but just let the tsunami of bad attitude roll on? That was me tonight.

Things really kicked off with a bad bout of second hand smoke. It wafted in from the front window (we usually get it from the back windows) so it took me longer than usual to find the source and cut off the flow which left us with a cloud of hovering smokiness in the apartment and a fuming pregnant me stomping around in a rage.

"We shouldn't have to live like this!" I was so angry I was clenching my fists and wanting to punch walls. I ended up calling the office and asking if there was anything that could be done about the smoke. The chatty substitute for our regular office staff let me know that we can submit a complaint in writing if we identify the apartment responsible but that smokers are allowed to smoke in their apartment and on their patios, just not in public areas.

I was a little appalled that apartment complexes still let smokers smoke inside! How disgusting! How expensive! I would never want to clean up after a smoking renter, yikes... Anyways.

It didn't make me feel much better. I asked the office to contact animal control because of loose cats starving away around our apartment and nothing has happened to help the cats, so I don't expect much help for us. That sounds pathetic and I feel like such a wimpy loser but I really feel trapped.

Renewing our lease this week was a sad experience. I consider us good tenets. We don't litter, we pick up after our dog, we take good care of our apartment but it was as if the office would've rather had us move out. What kind of business sense is that?

Ugh. At least we didn't renew for a whole year, but the next 9 months already feel like 9 months too long here.

Oh, and the cherry on my lovely, rage filled night? I saw one of the aforementioned abandoned cats licking up water from a oily puddle under a carport. How sick is that? I can't even type the violent thoughts I have toward the so-called "owners" of those poor animals. If I weren't preggers I'd take it to the shelter myself, but I can't risk catching something from a street cat. So sad. So idiotic.

In other news, the hubster put forth a valiant effort to better my mood but it just didn't take. He bought me some new shoes since I've worn out the old tennis shoes with my near daily walks of late and I was very grateful just too swept up by my anger. I feel bad for making his night unpleasant. I hope that he gets some better sleep tonight, last night didn't go so well as I was tossing and turning well into the morning hours.

Sigh. So that's me today. Frustrated, angry, agitated, and a downright terror at times. Maybe I'll try some meditation tomorrow, some loving-kindness for those freakin' assholes... er, fellow human beings.

That'll be an uphill battle, but I'll give it a try if only for my own sake!

Monday, September 22, 2014


Had a couple of rainy days lately which changes the scenery for my walk in little ways. The most notable change are the snails. Slugs are pretty common regardless of the weather it seems. They try for the shade on sunny days but still slug about, whereas the snails seem to stay hidden until rainy days.

Today, Fio and I were walking home and his paw caught a snail's shell and flipped him over. I thought, "Oh no, Fio! Snail!" and we stopped to check on it. I was so impressed watching it flip itself back to rights. It wasn't a fast, ninja flip, it was so sneakily slow I wasn't quite sure what happened but I thoroughly impressed.

A couple days back I had seen a black snail and my curiosity was piqued. The shell was the same as the rest, a kind of yellow with stripes, but his gooey bits were black whereas the other snails were a yellowy-mucous color (like the thick snot ya get with the flu). I've been walking past snails around the lake for years and have never been bothered to look them up but seeing that black snail prompted me to jump on Google and look up snails.

Turns out we have a European snail that has been introduced in the Puget Sound called the brown-lipped or grove snail. It's a pretty common little mollusk but they were a rare find in my childhood yard, so while they've lost a bit of novelty having so many roaming around up here I still find them enchanting.

I noodled around the internet reading about snails for a bit and it seems like the black snail is just a natural variation, maybe not as common as the yellowy folks but I don't think it's a different species or anything. I haven't seen him again but I'll keep my eyes open as the rainy season ensues.

I have been enjoying the walks and think it does help with my mood though I still have bouts of pregnancy hormone craziness. Last night I had a fit about a plate! Never ever been that passionate about a plate before... Thankfully haven't had much depression just cranky, moody, teary, angry type of outbursts. Poor hubby has been caught off guard a few times but he's aware of the hormone issue so we usually work things out, even if it involves some arguing and tears on my part before things are resolved!

18 weeks. Gonna be getting that ultrasound in no time! Kinda nervous as I find those images to be pretty creepy looking. The hubster is really excited and already talking about sharing it on FB. Not my cup of tea but since it's close to Halloween I find it more appropriate. "Take a look at our little ghoul!" Ha!

Monday, September 15, 2014

Banff Babymoon Ideas

Well, our flight is booked and our rental car reserved! Babymoon Banff is in officially in-the-works.

We've got a rough itinerary penned and I thought I would share some of our plans, no guarantees that we'll do exactly as planned (especially if there are some early snowstorms) but I figure it might come in handy to know some cool things to do around Banff if any readers are in that neighborhood.

1) Geek Out

The hubster and I are avid parks visitors. No, not the swings & BBQ pit type of parks, the National parks and monuments type parks. Basically, we like to geek out with all the educational displays, interpretive exhibits, museums, and historical factoids we can find and they usually have some killer views.

We've never visited a Canadian park of this kind but we're looking forward to it and have high hopes for Banff National Park. Things get a bit tricky for us traveling in the off-season (another one of our favorite things-avoiding crowds) and late October in Banff is the beginning of restricted hours for many facilities, so we have to make sure we hit certain facilities later in the week when they're actually open!

On a similar geeking out note we hope to visit the Calgary Zoo. I have a complicated relationship with zoos... While I love visiting them and seeing all the animals, I really wish that the animals didn't have to be there. Sometimes they don't, most of the time it's humans' fault that they are! But I love going to the zoo. Politics aside our first major date was a visit to the Oregon Zoo, so it's kind of a romantic excursion for us.

The Glenbow Museum and Heritage Park are intriguing, though I think the Glenbow is more our style. Not sure if we'll have time for either, but they are noteworthy.

2) Pig Out

Oh yes. One of the first things we look at when planning a trip is where we should eat and our babymoon is no different. We were surprised to find so many great options in Calgary, Canmore, and Banff and we've got a few "must see" places we hope to visit.

For our anniversary we're planning a special dinner at The Trough (funny name, right?) though they won't be open on our actual anniversary, we still really want to check it out. I get a little uncomfortable at "fancy frufru" places but we try to go at least once a year and enjoy some "class."

I stumbled across a place called OEB on TripAdvisor and was immediately intrigued. Maybe I get it from my dad, but breakfast places usually make me very happy and this one seems like a must. We're planning on hitting it more for lunch on our way home the last day, so I'll be looking forward to it all trip.

We also keep our eyes open for local brewpubs and there are a few we may stop by if the hankering arises. Banff Ave. Brewing Co. is on the pricey side and fancier than we usually go for, but maybe a brew (for the hubby) and some poutine will do the trick? There are also Grizzly Paw and Iron Goat and The Drake Pub not too far from our hotel. Not sure how much we'll eat out or where we'll end up visiting, but I'll make sure and post reviews ;)

3) Hiking

Having different skill levels, knowing that I will be preggers, and understanding that October is an unpredictable time in the mountains choosing hikes for our trip is a tricky proposition but I think we've found some winners.

I had never heard of the "tea house hikes" but now that I have I'm a little sad that our trip is occurring in the off season. That said, even though the tea houses (yes, we mean cabins with a limited menu and hot tea for hikers that make the trek-and pay-it's awesome!) won't be open during our visit we're excited to explore these famous trails.

Another easy-moderate hike with great views in the area is the Peyto Lake/Bow Summit trail and viewpoint. We're planning to combine this trail with our drive up the Icefields Parkway. There is also a Bow Glacier Falls hike that piques my interest and we may explore that as well. I'm a sucker for waterfalls.

There are lots of other hiking trails but we don't want to push it and try something too difficult while I'm preggers. We'll also be looking at pamphlets and brochures as we go and may happen upon some other local gems.

4) Scenic Drives

The hubster and I love going for drives and lucky for us Banff has a lot of great drives to take! We're hoping that the weather won't be too hellish and we'll feel safe going for drives, but only time will tell.

Right now we're planning to do the Icefields Parkway and Tunnel Mountain Drive but we could add in other routes if we feel like it. We like to leave a little bit of wiggle room in our itineraries for lazy days and impromptu adventures :)

5) Hunt

Not actually hunt, what I'm talking about is a very concentrated souvenir quest for a children's book (our preferred souvenir when traveling) and maybe a stuffed bear for the little one. The hubster is very adamant that our child will have a stuffed bear. Not an elephant, not a dog, not a seal, nothing but a bear. He's very into this stuffed bear thing. It's just a fun little "mission" that weaves itself into our trip in funny ways, gets us into stores and places we might not otherwise venture into and I like having "goals." Totally optional and a little obsessive, but there ya have it.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

For Shame

This weekend has been hell for walks.

Saturday I got a late start after a rather fun Skype session with sister and my mom. They were in Cheney moving my sister into her new apartment for the school year. It was fun and some much needed socialization but it put off my schedule and a delayed walk means warmer weather and more chance of seeing other dogs and walkers. Cue the psychotic unsocialized dog rage Fio is famous for displaying.

By the end of my walk I had worked up a good sweat but I was also upset and frustrated. Embarrassed about my dog's behavior and my inability to whip him into shape. He's a wonderful walker when it's just the two of us, but if there are any witnesses it all goes to pot.

The rest of the day was difficult for me mood wise. Feeling very lonely and isolated. I got a bit paralyzed several times (staring into nothing, not able to communicate or make expressions) and eating was difficult. All I wanted to do was lay on the bed, in the dark, seeping. The hubby persisted in his caring efforts and eventually we got out of the house and shook me up a bit, but all in all it was a poor day.

Then this morning on my walk I happened upon a woman with 4 or 5 dogs (seriously, I have no idea what the story is there, they weren't even little guys they were lab mutts!) and then coming back into the complex one of neighbors (she's already on our "list") was standing around with her unsocialized dog. That got ugly fast.

Fio barking and snarling and that dog barking and lunging. This lady has her "baby" on one of those stupid, chintzy retractable leashes that the catch fails when the dog starts lunging like mad so in short order we had a large terrier mix charging us and the neighbor spouting "oh she won't do anything." Well Fio will! Your dog ever had stitches?! You wanna go there?

I didn't actually say that but I was bitter and upset. Worse than the embarrassment of my dog's poor behavior was my hypocritical bashing of my neighbor's pet ownership. I'm ashamed of myself, a little for Fio's horrible behavior problems but more so for my defensive delusions and internal monologues; building myself up by tearing others' down. It just makes me feel worse. I want to be "the bigger person" I want to be caring and considerate and understanding, I don't want to be angry and bitter!

*le sigh*

It's be a rough weekend. Hoping that roasting a big ole ham and having a nice dinner with the Seahawks game will makes things better.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

More Fascinating Egg Facts

Found this article on ye olde FB feed and being ever fascinated with eggs and the intricacies of their existence and appearance in supermarkets I had to read and share.

Monday, September 8, 2014

Moody, Moody, Moody

Either I'm crazier than I thought or some pregnancy hormones are taking me for a ride today. This morning got off to a bad start with some inexplicably intense anger, not unwarranted just a bit confusing.

Lately I've been super annoyed at the smokers around our unit and the second hand smoke floating into our home. Pisses me off. Well, this morning I got enraged about it and there wasn't even a whiff of smoke! I simply walked into the living room thought to open the backdoor and hesitated because I was afraid of cigarette smoke.

Cue the rage.

Now I've been up and down all day between "woe is me" and "I'm gonna burn this place to the ground!" I feel trapped in my own home and victimized. Once the rage train got rolling I started focusing on all the flaws I could muster about the apartment complex: smoking neighbors, loud neighbors, stray/neglected animals, piles of abandoned furniture and appliances, shitty cabinetry, piss poor painting, lack of ventilation, road noise, car prowlers.

I began thinking that bringing home my crying infant would be a useful form of vengeance! Not to mention the imaginative forms of sabotage and payback I began formulating. I found myself thinking of high school, another raging hormones/angry phase to be sure, and feeling out of control. I couldn't even finish my walk. A big reason was that I was getting hungry and I was only about halfway through my walk but I was also getting really mad at the dog and not calming down at all. Ya know that suggestion, "Walk it off?" well, it was not working for me today.

The anger hijacked my day. When I was not raging I was sad about feeling helpless and abused. Next thing you I'm huddled in the closet swamped in pessimism, thinking "there are no rewards for being a good person" and "people just have to take or fight for what they want and I don't have it in me" or "the system is broken, nothing will ever get better." Such a downer. I feel like a huge, gooey Jabba the Hut of misery sliming around in self pity and angst.

Not fun.

In other news, we seem to have found a new groomer. They didn't do exactly what I expected but they didn't charge as much as I expected so I was okay with it. I'll give them another go and hopefully resolve the stylistic differences.

And I'm currently mildly addicted to the Solitaire game on the computer. Classic.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Feminism Flare-Up

Watching the Seahawks game tonight I was exposed to TV commercials for the first time in a long time (we only use the digital cable for football) and two commercials stood out.

First, the bad.

This horrible Kia ad with oversexualized girl hamsters. Is there not a single man or woman in that advertising department with any good sense? Maybe I'm more sensitive to this since I limit my media input but it really bowled me over. I know that I've been agitated by music lyrics the last several months for being oversexualized and objectifying to women, I guess this Kia ad was just a stupendously relevant visual aid. 

Second, the good.

While the Kia ad made me sad for humanity I was definitely impressed by this video game ad-not just for it's compelling advertising (even I wanna shoot some aliens now) but for A) having a female character B) having her dressed in a fashion similar to male counterparts instead of wearing half or a third as much clothing and C) having her be brave and strong, not a sissy "rescue me" victim! I also enjoyed the "Guardians of the Galaxy" vibe and humor. That said, I have to limit my intake of mindless violence and I'm not a huge fan of "kill 'em all" video games, but for what it is, I was impressed. 

Having just had a PAX convention in Seattle (not that I attended) I am all too aware of the countless female video game/comic/movie/TV "heroines" that wear barely more than underwear (sometimes less, let's be honest) and it was so refreshing to see a strong female character allowed to keep her clothes on. 

These messages in media really do make a difference and influence our culture as well as our interior, mental landscapes. It's difficult to screen out the onslaught of negativity and sometimes I feel like a prudish hermit but it really pays off for me to avoid commercials, violent movies, and "fake" women. Maybe those messages have hurt you too and you don't even know it! Got dang subconsciousness...ness! 

Oh, and GO HAWKS! What a great first showing. I am excited for the season though a little dumbfounded that it's that time again already :)

Yay fall!

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

September At Last

Ya'll know that I love fall and while September isn't exactly fall quite yet-sometimes it can be quite warm for us in the PNW-just having the word "September" around has a cooling affect on me.

I have been doing pretty well lately although I haven't hit the "golden trimester" just yet. A little disappointed but while I'm still dodging the barfs every once in a while, I have had the go-getum to take more walks.

Loving those walks. There are some psychotic moments when Fio goes nuts at other dogs but my route limits those encounters and I enjoy the hearty trudge! Sometimes it's 45 minutes, sometimes it's over an hour, either way I lose track of time and enjoy simply walking and thinking, soaking up some UV and seeing some sights. It has been wonderful. I won't lie, I've been a moody pregnant lady but I do think the walks have helped my mood, even if it doesn't eliminate outbursts ;)

Lately I've been feeling grumpy about being so sick and tired. Hoping that this week is the last of my early pregnancy woes (most women see morning sickness leave by 16 weeks and I'll be 16 weeks this Sunday!) but I know that some women feel like crap the entire pregnancy. I'm willing to do the time I'd just really appreciate a week barf-free with some energy and appetite!

In other baby news, I'm on call for a September delivery and excited to do some doula work. I'm a little nervous about managing my pregnancy symptoms during a lengthy delivery but hoping that good ole adrenaline and some snacks will get me through.

The hubster and I have been discussing our babymoon plans and I'm starting to get excited. We have decided to go to Calgary/Banff! Our babymoon window conveniently falls right on our anniversary so I'm excited for that too. Should be a fabulous fall trip with some gorgeous mountains, good food, warm fires, and quality R&R.

Originally we discussed going southwest to someplace cheap and warm but after slogging around in the summer heat I decided I'd had enough. Don't know how he came up with it, but Calgary/Banff came up and after looking into it we decided it was just our style.

In other baby news we've started to rearrange the apartment a little bit. The glider is now snuggled in its designated corner in the living room and we've got some shelf space cleared for baby stuff in the bedroom, even got some bins for baby's clothes and isolated the cat boxes.