Tuesday, June 23, 2015

My Morning Mind

Woke up this morning and it didn't take long before I was thinking of bad things. Repeating images of me hanging or a bullet going through my head or drowning myself in a tub or cutting myself. I even imagined buying straight razors at the store.

All these negative images aren't fun and are no help, no solution.

Yesterday was bad. I cried so much throughout the afternoon my eyes were swollen this morning. I half-expected the hubster to stay home from work but when I woke up this morning to a screaming baby he wasn't here. Can't say I blame him. I know that he has obligations and that he supports our family but on days like this it feels like he goes to work to escape me.

Also stuck in my head in that song from "The Wedding Singer," the one where half was written pre-breakup and half post? I even see Jon Lovitz in my mind saying, "she's losing her mind, and I'm reaping all the benefits...." Only I'm not sure what benefits he sees.

So angry. Angry at my sister, my mother, my situation, the world. Feel so betrayed and abandoned, yet also feel like I don't deserve any better. Basically, life sucks. Life sucks and it's nothing new, and I'm getting sick of this new normal.

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Be well, HBF