Monday, August 24, 2015

Day 4 - Monday "on the inside"

I don't have my girls with me, but they are always with me in a way... Quotes spring to mind, images, feelings-and of course there is something to be said about jello! (no green so orange today)

excited_golden_girls2.gif (300×230)

Rose Nylund: Here you go, Sophia, the perfect after dinner treat, a nice dish of Jello. 
Sophia Petrillo: I hate Jello, if God wanted peaches suspended in mid-air He would've filled them with helium. 

Slightly less well known than the more popular “Anger is like a piece of shredded wheat stuck in your dentures. If you leave it there, you'll get a blister and have to eat jello for a week.”  Also by Sophia....


Cream of rice with brown sugar.... pretty dang scrumptious.

Today was on the whole better but with some rough patches. Had another bad anxiety episode with some nausea and I ended up getting my Ativan a little late, curling up on my bed and crying for a bit before it kicked in and I felt a lot better. I was more active, got outside TWICE and hit all the groups.

I opened up more today and was more social and shared more despite taking my necessary private time breaks and pumping. I've initiated double pumping which was a bit of a chore and exploration/experimentation but it's paying off! I'm spending much less time "on the rig."

Might as well photoshop
black splotches and a
cowbell on me!

Anyways. Gonna try to sleep better tonight. Last night sucked and then I woke up at 3:00 AM... This whole feeding a human and trying to sleep thing doesn't even work when the babe is off site! Trying again tonight to get good rest. May use another Ativan on top of the Seroquel dose to get me down, but we'll see. 

Seems like the plan is to get me out of here Friday but everything is "wait and see." Gonna try to get me up to 100 mg of the Seroquel tomorrow. 

We had a good self-esteem session (though distressing) and I'm looking forward to boundaries group tomorrow. Enjoyed exercise/relaxation today. Got some positive feedback about the boundaries I've been using with my mom but also some gentle nudges as far as areas I can improve - NOTE TO SELF: do the positive dreamscape activity, rewrite "internal tapes" that replay negative scenes with my mother as a positive encounter :)

I get along with most everyone though I do struggle with sucking up other people's emotions and one lady in particular is quite a seeper and very negative when she talks. Lots of "I just gotta say" or "I have something to share" and then major negativity and dumping and blaming and whatever. I'm over it. I try to tune out and remember that she has some major issues and that's her problem, not mine.


I finished my fishy painting and had fun with that today though I am a little disappointed with how the coral above "Gillybert" turned out I like most of it. The orange coral at the bottom right in my favorite and me and my unit peeps had a good laugh about the shape of the rock in the top right-heart? butt? boobs? testicles? It's a conversation starter.

Before ink lines


It is a bicolor parrotfish and I chose to paint it because A) purple and blue are some of my favorite colors B) bicolor/bipolar-get it? C) I went on a night dive in the Great Barrier Reef and saw a parrotfish sleeping in it's mucous sac and I use that visual when I'm warding off other's emotions :)

Haven't decided if I will keep it or leave it... 

Good visit with babe and hubs. Still not synced up with B.B. and feeling distant and disinterested and low tolerance. Helps me realize that I'm where I need to be and what I'm working towards. The hubs had my mom up for helps today (very controlled circumstances and he kept her well away from me!) Apparently she talked more about my sister's baby shower than anything else and she and my dad haven't had many questions about my situation (well, my dad wanted to know if Disneyland was still on next month. Classy).  But maybe part of that was the hubs intentionally protecting our privacy and not opening up too much. He can be pretty stoic and "shut downy" when he wants to be.

Okay. Bedtime.

Good night all.


  1. Goodness you are talented. Love, love, love that parrotfish. And the scrotum rock.
    Snickering at the photo of you in patient cow mode too.
    And loving that you are getting the support you need.

  2. I love your painting, Hannah, and I think you are very talented! The Golden Girls made me laugh heartily! I am very happy that you are getting support, Hannah. Sending you a warm hug.

  3. What a wonderful painting, and I love the scrotum-like rock, too...That would be a convo starter...Kudos to you for continuing to nourish Baby Banana face. His dad sounds like a keeper...I am also glad you are getting support and meds. I wish you clarity and much happiness.

  4. Yes, her problem, not yours. She's on her own journey, you are on yours. Don't let her suck you in, because that only stalls your own healing.

    Keep moving ahead and drawing.

  5. Thank you all :) Scrotum rock! Hahahaha!

  6. Oh, Hannah! You pumping selfie is SO funny! I love it. A real testament to what motherhood is really like.
    Disneyland? Really?

  7. Wow, you are something special! The pumping pic - it is so funny and endearing and true and lovely and courageous and everything!


Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF