Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Day 6 - Wednesday "on the inside"

Today started out a bit rougher, I was majorly tired this morning (closing my eyes during groups, really dragging) and I think it was due to the increased Seroquel. A little lay-down mid morning helped a little but I think the coffee had more to do with energizing me. My anxiety was up this morning and my mood was down, I wasn't participating as much and was slower physically and mentally. I think it had a lot to do with anticipating a phone call at 12:30 with my mother.

Last night I talked with the hubs (and cried a lot) about wanting to feel seen and accepted and acknowledged by my family, especially my mom. I wasn't ready to have my family visit but I decided maybe just a phone call was a good place to start. She did listen better than usual and honored a recommendation from the hubs not to talk about my sister which was very helpful, asked some questions about group and how I was feeling but nothing too probing. So, while it wasn't great, I felt good about the call and my mood lifted a bit afterward, though I'm still teary and a little frightened about making progress before discharge.

I met with the psychiatrist this afternoon and he allayed some of my fears by saying that it looks like I might need to stay a bit longer and not to focus on one day (like Friday) for discharge but just to focus on getting better and leaving when I'm ready. That helped me anxiety a lot though I still worry about going home and not ending up a suicidal blob again real quick. I think they want me to have more of a support system improvement before I leave, and I agree.

This afternoon I've still be tired and low in my mood, I feel a little discombobulated and not as .... um, having a hard time saying what I mean and not rambling. I can't remember the right word I wanted to use but basically my verbal skills seem a bit off and my brain seems a little weary. My appetite was off too. I ate nearly half my cold cut sandwich and chips but couldn't finish so I ordered a hamburger (ate half) and some broth and yogurt with peaches (ate a good bit of that).

I haven't been suicidal really but I was feeling low last night, wondering if the hubs wanted me back at all since he appeared to be doing so well taking care of the baby. He reassured me that he's seriously exhausted and can't believe I managed to hang in as long as I did taking charge of B.B. and that he definitely wants me home and misses me. I felt a little more connected with the babe and hubs yesterday but mostly feeling like a third wheel, disposable.

So. Kinda tough feeling like I'm backsliding a bit but I think I've just gotten comfortable enough to let loose some of my sadness and it's swamping me. Not necessarily a super bad slide, maybe just an off-loading?

Since I may be in here for Friday, which is Baby Bananaface's 6 month birthday (I've declared this utterly important) I told the hubs maybe he should plan to visit with both of our parents and celebrate here. Kinda bittersweet, but I want to do something special and acknowledge all the growing he's done :)

Feeling pretty sad that I may (probably) be celebrating my son's 6 month birthday in inpatient and that I'm spending so much time away from him but I really don't feel up to being at home right now. And I think it's okay to be sad about that. Some tears are .... what's the word ... justified. Yep.

Two of my unit peeps that I really liked left today. That was sad but happy for them. Definitely brought down the mood of the group but I think we've got some good people taking their place.

Lumpia was good, I actually ate most of my salad, and the custard with caramel sauce hit the spot.
Appetite has been hit and miss today, dinner was a hit though.

Visit with the babe and hubs started well, I got a good nursing session in, we went for a walk and sat outside, but ended really bad. Like really bad... I couldn't soothe B.B. but the hubs got him down for a nap but by that time I was already spiraling. I've spent the last hour or more in a deep funk, some of the time just frozen in bed feeling like I want to disappear. Suicidal thoughts, wanting to self harm, the whole bit. It fucking sucks. So much for feeling like I'm making progress. I was afraid of getting discharged Friday but now I don't feel like it matters-the darkness will always find me.

To top it off I've started some random bleeding out of cycle and my wedding ring popped off and fell on the floor today. No damage, no lost stones, it just rattled me.

My sadness has grown, receded, and grown back today. I feel so pushed and pulled and disoriented. I thought I was doing fine and now I feel hopeless. My appetite is gone again but I want to eat all the time. I just want off this ride-permanently. Right now any good days don't seem worth this shit.

Pretty fun asking the male nurse for a pad though. Gotta say.


  1. Glad your mom stayed off the topics that she was told to. That's progress. And it sounds like your doctor wants you to focus on now, which can be hard, but you're a tough cookie and I know you can do it.

    1. Thanks Whisk, now is hard to focus on but doing the busy projects really does help. I will recommit to it tomorrow

    2. One day at a time. Or, one breath at a time. Doesn't happen overnight.

  2. Focusing on leaving when you are feeling better rather than by a certain date sounds like a good plan to me. Take care.

  3. Dear Hannah, a friend of mine struggles with anxiety and her psychologist told her to steer clear of caffeine (coffee, tea which has caffeine). I hope this helps you.

    1. Yes, thank you, I have been leaning on caffeine for energy boosts but have thought it might be aggravating the anxiety. A good reminder!

  4. How about some words of wisdom from the old Birdie? Ha! Not likely. I do know this and I am just saying this to remind you because you know it already.
    This is not going to be an upwards climb and then in a few weeks from now everything will be grand. It is going to be up and down, up and down, up, up, down, down, down, up, up, up, down, up. As the medication starts to work you will level off from the ups and downs. And it is going to fucking suck for a while yet.
    I know the Black Dog all too well. He is such an asshole. Also remember that he *lies*. He is so cunning and presents himself so eloquently. He convinces you, doesn't he? No matter what anyone says here on your blog or how much or how often your husband tells you he loves you. Or that your parents love you. (I really believe they do but they are wholly uneducated about your illness.) No matter what anyone says the Black Dog convinces you otherwise. He goes as far to tell you your own child would be better off without you.
    It is all lies, Hannah. Every last word of it.
    I have been reading your blog of what? Well before BB was born. I think it was before you got pregnant with him. (I am going to have to go back and look now.) I know you to be articulate, intelligent, funny, gifted and a great mama to that little one. I know that your brain is likely telling you otherwise even as you read this! I have been suicidal and self-harmed (you are the only person I told) and thought I should kill myself and rid the world of my presence. I am so glad that I didn't. My kids NEED me. I didn't want to leave them that legacy and for a long time that was the *only* reason that I didn't follow through. And now I know that my husband needs me and so does my family. The same is true for you. Even if it is just your son. You are important. You are vital.
    And I need you. I do. You are one of the bloggers I hope to meet one day! Maybe one day I will actually get a passport and make the big trip across the boarder. You can't be more than a few hours. (I am on Vancouver Island if I haven't already told you 36 times. I'm old and forget that sort of shit.)
    OK, this is turning into a book. I love you, sweet Hannah.

    I will leave you with my favourite joke that is so stupid but it always makes me smile.

    A horse walks into a bar. The bar keeper says....

    "Why the long face"
    And in case you can't sleep you can go to my Pinterest account and look at all my cat pins. All 1, 130 of them.

    1. Thank you so much Birdie. I am so grateful to you in my life and so much of what you said here is gold! Thank you, thank you. I have my passport and love visiting Canada-I wouldn't be surprised if my little family explored Vancouver Island someday too :) I really liked that grasshopper joke someone shared not to long ago.... "You have a drink named Steve?" Can't remember who but it was awesome!

    2. The cat page helps too :)

  5. You're dancing as fast as you can. And there will be days like this, when you'll have to sit one dance out. You are so amazing...
    (you are taking serious medication that take time to settle; now there is some safety around you, more difficult feelings will pop up; you are aware of everything that's going on - which is not easy at the moment itself, but will prove to be immensely valuable on the road to recovery)
    If you'd dance any faster, you'd be a Derwisj dancer ;-)

    1. Ha! Thank you so much, that visual of the Derwisj dancer helps :) I have been underplaying the new medication and not appreciating the fact that some big changes are happening.

  6. FYI - I have been reading your blog since Jan 2014.

    Here is a seahorse for you since I can't send flowers.


  7. Birdie is right. As she so often is. One step forward, three steps back, another step forward. And maybe another.
    All while the lying oxygen thief which is depression tries to derail you.
    You are doing well. Much better than you realise.
    Love that the psychiatrist is focused on you being better rather than a date. And hooray for your mother actually accepting boundaries. That is a huge step.
    The usual oceans of caring are surging your way.

    1. Thank you :) Love the word "surging," for whatever reason it is especially comforting and encouraging!

  8. Hugs to you and give it time...

    1. Thanks e :) Lots of deep breathing to aid in patience today :)


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Be well, HBF