Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Old Pics and Update

Sunny summer days on the trail with my favorite part of the trail-the birds! Even on my worst days birds can pick me up, today isn't the worst day or the best, but I've been wanting to put these photos/video up so here I go.... wellness update at bottom.

Can you spy the baby woodpecker? Made my day a couple weeks ago.

Took a video, he was pretty sensitive-so I tried to keep quiet :) He finally noticed me and I had to sneak away. So cute how he was practicing pecking and crawling!

I saw this way-cool duck on a different day. I saw her swimming and on my way back she was on shore and I snapped a pic. Not entirely sure what she is... a different species or a mutated mallard? Either way, I love her! Gorgeous! 

In Hannah news, I'm better today but not well by any stretch. Still weak, still flooded with anxiety.

I spent some time away from the condo and B.B. which was nice. Did lab work and  went to the cafe by the trail I walk that I usually navigate with my big ass stroller but today it was just me and laptop-stuffed purse. The hubs is home again but he'll be at the office tomorrow-I'm planning to be out of the house as much as possible.

Talked with my mother this afternoon on phone/texting. Baby shower for my sister and all sorts of shit. The hubs is dead set against it. I think I'm going to ask a family friend to meet me so I can hand off my gift...

It was a weird conversation with my mom. She was talking about why the hubs is coming at all and what will he do and how I was going to handle B.B. and keep him from being passed around since I'm so sensitive about that and then I just cracked, "BECAUSE I'VE BEEN SUICIDAL AND SELF HARMING THIS WEEK." She engaged for a little bit but then diverted to telling stories about my sister and talking more about the shower, closing the call with a "we're here for you, you just have to say when you need us, I love you missy."

The hubs had tried to help me by typing notes as I was on call, "DONT LET HER MANIPULATE YOU" and "DONT GET INTO DETAILS, IT OPENS THE DOOR" whatever that one meant, but I overshared, got nothing back, nothing new. Lonely and disappointed. That's what mothers are for right? (dark sarcasm) I have to remind myself that I don't have to be like that, that good mothers happen all the time and that B.B. won't necessarily feel about me how I feel about my mom or go through what I have.... Ugh. Anyway.

I felt sick. Stomach in knots. Wanting to scream, to call "bullshit," to hang up on her. Ugh. I wish I could get my body pumped for anger like a stomach pump for poisons.

Not good timing for more family shit methinks.

Looking forward to La Leche League picnic Saturday but concerned about energy levels and perceived hypocrisy (going to that instead of Sunday shower).

Oh, appointment bumped up to Friday due to a cancellation, so that's good. Skipping counseling tomorrow, rearranging babysitting again.... This week is just a cluster!

OH I-spy woodpecker answers below :)


  1. That is wonderful that you got out and spent some time enjoying nature. Nothing like walking through a green trail listening to the birds. Sorry about your mom and the issues with your family. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it better for you. *sigh* The most I can do is drop by and offer whatever support I can through this blog! Hang in there, kiddo. You're young and beautiful and amazing. And you've got your own little family that adores you.

    1. Thanks Martha. I appreciate the support!

  2. If it helps, good attentive mothers don't necessarily mitigate the anxiety gene. I had a good mother, I still got anxious. I think it's wiring. Or something. Whatever it is, it whispers lies. Glad you're taking care of yourself as you need to. Your husband sounds supportive.

    1. That is so true. When we conceived we knew that we would be rolling the dice as far as mental health. Sometimes it's just in the stars!

  3. Lovely photos and video...Sorry for your continued distress, Mom and family issues are so thorny, aren't they? Keep walking and doing the self-care. Your husband sounds like he has your back, so to speak. That's wonderful...I too wish I had a magic wand for you...I'd wave it and keep waving it if only it would help...As Martha and 37 Paddington have said, hang in there.

  4. Hannah, I absolutely love your photos and video! Please take care of yourself. You are a lovely person and I feel honoured to have the opportunity to get to know you. Hugs.

  5. I came by earlier today and tried to leave a comment but that is when my computer decided to do an update and it got lost in the internet tubes. I think a cat was involved. It's a conspiracy.

    Anyway, I do agree with 37Paddigton. I too had a wonderful mom and have terrible anxiety. She did too. So did her dad. Not sure about her mom but probably. I think my mom tried so hard to make me not anxious but I think she could no more change the colour of my eyes. It did help that she knew what I was going through. Anxiety is indescribable and unless you have looked at that demon in the face you have no idea how paralyzing and immobilizing it is. One thing that blogging has done for me is it has helped me with the loss of my mom. She died four years ago and the women in my life nurture and love me. They have become my stand-in mothers. No, it isn't quite the same but we as women need each other.

    I am glad you have your birds. And thank you for circling the woodpecker because I stared for several minutes before giving up. When I scrolled down I saw that you have given the answer. :-)

  6. Love your photos and video. I am also seriously bird obsessed. And get most of my healing outside.
    Look after yourself - and know we are more than ready to offer support, cheer your successes, and hiss and spit at anyone who needs it.

  7. Isn't it amazing how many times we open the door, still hoping against all odds, something good may come in? I don't know if I should call my attempts 'stupid', 'hopeful', 'naive', 'desperate' or better try and not to judge it at all. Just quietly shut the door again, and try and keep myself warm. Warm hugs, take care, Elsewhere (we don´t know each other (yet), stumbled upon your blog)


Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF