Thursday, August 6, 2015

Rain & Star Trek

Yesterday was bad. An easy slide into a familiar dark space. Somehow I skipped most of the agonizing anxiety and desire to self harm and instead found myself in the eerie calm in the eye of my storm, resigned to a precipitous death and relieved at the prospect.

Once again I had the disconcerting experience of being outside of my mind, the thoughts that the hubby wants me to end it and just get things over with coming to me like an epiphany. Baby Bananaface was something of an anchor, holding me fast to this world, but I also feel so bad about putting him through this, these episodes, this madness, that I came close to rationalizing leaving him. Part of me thinks it would be better for him, another part believes it would be shattering.

Some notes about this episode:

-Quick & slippery, woke up feeling unmotivated and quickly found myself in a suicidal bog, I didn't notice much a precursor

-I stopped talking, making eye contact, it even took some time for me to be able to write anything instead, for a few hours, I simply blinked in response as the hubster dragged his pen along a pain spectrum or multiple choice questions (made me wonder how many other couples have nights like this, it seemed to cinematic and ridiculous) 

-Lack of appetite, not drinking or eating enough

-My caring for Baby Bananaface didn't suffer much, just shifted to us spending the day in bed instead of the living room with more toys, I was less communicative but still met his needs

-Eerie calm, the hubs couldn't tell if I was catatonic from too much anxiety or if I was experiencing less anxiety than usual. It definitely felt like my circuits were fried, maybe the day before caused so much pain and anxiety that the next morning I woke up fried/calm/bottomed out?

The hubster managed to get me out of it by bedtime. He couldn't get me to leave the bedroom for several hours but he managed to get me to watch some Star Trek on the lappy (apparently he knows something I don't, because it was quite an effective trick) and by the end of the episode I was communicating again.

Later I heard a rainstorm through my book on tape and that got me to leave the bedroom and sit on the balcony for a while. I ate and drank what the hubby brought me and while the suicidal thoughts/eerie calm didn't fade right away, it seemed to get better by bedtime and I awoke this morning feeling more okay.

A certain skepticism remains, I expect the darkness to return soon, I expect my suicidal reasoning to be justified-a familiar symptom of my darker episodes. Sometimes it remains like a residue for a few days, other times another episode does ensue in short order, worse as it piggy backs on that leftover darkness...

This morning I had the thought that humanity is like a giant herd and I'm simply a flawed cow to be culled. Then I envisioned a cow having my symptoms and in a twisted way I was tickled. It was funny imagining a cow wandering away from the herd, not eating, lying down and sighing heavily to itself for most of the day, the farmers standing by saying "Elsie's at it again, that's the 3rd time this month, she's one of those depressed ones, not going to be of any use."

It's during these times I marvel at how much meaning we put on life, it seems so clear in these moments that it's all just made up. We're no different than the ants and plants around us, but they are living and dying without making a fuss. Us, we fight it, we fear it... I suppose it's evolution, something to do with what got us to be so dominant in the first place, but sometimes I wonder, if we were like the rest of the planet, wouldn't I have kicked off already? Saved everyone some trouble? Avoided a lot of pain? I know it's "not right." The hubs was trying to talk to me about treatment options and making analogies to diabetes and cancer and all I could think was "survival of the fittest, the flawed ones die, I'm a Flawed, what's the big deal here? Let me go."

Ugh. And I thought I was repulsed enough by my sick self.

Today the hubster is working from home. Obviously I'm still.... "off." Extra therapy appointment tomorrow. Guess we'll see what happens next.


  1. I am sorry you are suffering. But glad your hubster stayed home with you today and Star Trek, that's a great one.

    1. Thank you! I came to Star Trek later in life, my parents tended to make fun of it and "Trekkies" and we watched more Star Wars when I was younger, so I never expected Shatner and Nimoy to become therapeutic for me but now they're up there with the Golden Girls!

    2. I love the original series. Put out by Desilu Productions. Today, though, I'm all about Lucy. So fun.

      How you feeling? Any better now?


    3. Today was better, but I'm feeling weak (mind & body). We took it easy, a slow walk, had pancakes for dinner, indulged in some retail therapy :) Work to be done to dig out and maintain a better heading in the long term, but for today we just took it easy. Thanks for asking!

  2. "I'm flawed, and the flawed ones die?" Using that logic, I should have died long ago.

    You have an illness. It doesn't make you any less deserving of care, treatment, a happy life with your husband and baby or better relationships with family or any of the other things the rest of us want or need. You are a talented and very caring human being. You are not a burden and while it may sometimes seem to you that your illness is a burden, it is just a variant...I hope your therapist can help you see yourself more positively.

    1. Variant. In doula training they ran down "variations vs. complications" regarding labor and the word variant has tapped into that memory, in a good way. A wonderful way. Such good mojo in that word "variant!" Thank you, for this, this word and this comment. So helpful. Thank you.

  3. e is right. Completely right.
    Like e I would be dead. Long dead if the flawed ones died.
    I wonder why it is that we believe the lies that depression tells you sooooo much faster and more firmly than anything else.
    And babyBananaface would NOT be better off if you left. Which the part of you which cares for him even on the bad days knows.
    I am so glad that your husband stayed home, and found the trigger for you to sort of emerge.
    Hoping that today is better. And tomorrow better again.

    1. Yes! The lies seem to have some sort of express lanes pass in these depressive fits, it's ridiculous!

      Thank you, today was better, slowly and surely.

  4. Hannah, I am so sorry you are going through these difficulties. It was nice that your hubby was able to spend some time with you, and Star Trek is a nice diversion. Sending you warm hugs and much love.

  5. Hannah, I am so sorry you are going through these difficulties. It was nice that your hubby was able to spend some time with you, and Star Trek is a nice diversion. Sending you warm hugs and much love.


Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF