Christmas. We survived. I'm exhausted and my head is still spinning over my mother, but we're alive and well enough.
My mother, you ask? Well after the gift exchange and unexpectedly seeing my sister we all knew that a family Christmas all of us together was out. I suppose my email upset my mom enough that she opted for no Christmas with us at all. I was pretty shocked that she didn't want to see her grandson unwrap some gifts... maybe in her mind it was "on Christmas itself or not at all." I don't know.
We've been told by my dad that she's in a state and if we "need anything, go through me" so there's a sort of no contact order in effect. It's quite shocking but at the same time not totally unexpected. When I violate family norms she usually locks herself away or becomes distant until a few days or weeks or months later she reappears as if nothing ever happened. It's sad and frustrating and confusing but I know enough now to know it's her problem, not mine.
So we didn't have Christmas with my family. Instead we stopped by a tennis tournament where my brother was playing on the way home from the hub's family and saw my dad and my brother and picked up our gifts. It was nice to see my brother and my dad and we had a good time. Sad to pick up gifts and see them splotched with rain and torn from being heaped into a trunk when they should've been plucked from under a sparkling Christmas tree... but hopefully this is just this year.
My family expresses love through physical things and food so opening the gifts and seeing such thoughtful things felt really good. I even cried a little.
That said I feel like it's not okay for me to be sick or displeased with the treatment I receive and the little girl inside me felt like my mom was choosing my aunt over me. I totally get that she's actually really truly dying right now and I only might die maybe but it's such a deep, sucking sad feeling of abandonment to not have the nurturing relationship I so need from my mom. Ugh. No. No more...
That's all about that for now. I don't want to get too emotional, I'm already exhausted.
Had therapy, it was good. Talked about keeping toxic people like my sister and my mom out of my life while I gain some strength and work on personal boundaries. Talked about how the holidays weren't a disaster and I didn't do all that bad (though she wishes I had just walked out of the gift exchange instead of be miserable around my sister) and I'm supposed to stop thinking and focusing on my family so much, if I can help it. Shifting focus to something more positive, or getting better.
Also asked me about a New Year's Resolution. I said "I want ME back." Tall order. Gotta figure out what that is exactly before I go after it....