Wednesday, September 30, 2015


It's a foggy morning here and I'm out and about early for lab work. Slipping on my shirt and jeans this morning I realized how much better they are fitting and how much weight I've lost since Baby Bananaface was born or even  conceived. 

All my life my weight has been all over the place ( mostly up) and all my life I blamed myself or my family's lifestyle of poor eating habits and yo-yo dieting, but the last few years I've begun seeing the touch of my disease, the influence of medications, depressions, and hypomania over the years along with all the other influences. It's crazy. 

Another thing, no matter how heavy I've been I've always felt weak, fragile. The image of death camp victims or mummified cavemen curled in the fetal position describe my internal self, oh of course I feel like a whale sometimes but deep down I'm undernourished, starved for love and care. I wonder how many other depressive folks share that with me? 

Just a thought on this foggy morning as I snuggle up and wrap more layers upon myself.... All the layers over the years and still a chill... Hmm. 

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Monday, September 28, 2015

Monday Missives #8

Another in my series of never-to-be-sent therapeutic letters....

Dear Chemicals,

Yes, you chemicals up in my head and down in my gut. All the conspiratorial bunch that have colluded to make my mood so unstable of late, this missive is for you.

I don't know if you were inspired by the challenges in my life to possibly "up the ante" and throw me a curve ball on top of new parenthood and all that, or if you simply woke up one day and decided to screw around a bit, but I'm really ready for this melee to cease. I'm ready for an upward swing.

I'm ready to have my concentration back, my memory at a better level, to have my thoughts free of the vivid imaginings of hurting myself and my child, free from the desperate wishes to miraculously start a new life at the drop of a hat. I'm ready to be busy again, to have things that I want to do, goals to achieve, adventures to explore, to laugh and to play and to work.

I'm ready to leave the sleepy anchored feeling behind that keeps me in bed longer than I need to be. I'm ready to leave behind the nauseated feelings from the horrible anxiety you produce. I'm ready to be a contributing member in my marriage instead of feeling like my husband is a single parent. I'm ready to have a life again. To be a mom again.

I'm trying to tame you but it would be so much easier if you just got in line, if you were nice for a bit. Please? These drugs that I'm taking to curb your force over my life don't seem to be doing much. I'm terrified of moving to something different yet afraid of staying on them and making no progress.

I feel so helpless, at your mercy, at the mercy of these prescription drugs, at the mercy of those who tolerate my sick self. It seems that one push and I'll finally topple for good, yet I always seem to remain perched here, in turmoil, at the edge of disaster. 

I can't understand you, you dastardly chemicals. It seems so self-defeating what you do, and yet you do it over and over, not to just to me but thousands of other victims in bodies all around the world. It makes no sense. Is this really just a cruel game of no winners?

I'm so tired of this wicked game. I can't forfeit. I can't seem to win. We're locked in a stalemate and I can only hold on and hope I get the upper hand soon.

In the meantime, screw you chemicals. You're just plain mean.

Hating how you make me hate me,

Sunday, September 27, 2015

Once and Again

A memory came to me during a walk today....

Once I walked just off the pavement
The local park slash water reclamation site
Wasn't prepared for such a horde of teens
To walk beside each other I dove into the rough
I slipped on dog shit
Feel flat on my back with the breath kicked out of my lungs
Tears came but they weren't sure why
Was I sad? Was I hurt? Was I-
I laughed. My embarrassment blended
With a cheerful flush of belly laughs and
deep sucked breaths
A boy fell in love with me that day,
in just that moment.
He told me weeks later.
The girl he was with, she would never have laughed
Somehow I was a girl worth wanting
When I slipped in that shit.
I was loveable.

Today was a different sort of walk. The air was perfectly chilled, the sun warm between gusts of chilly autumn wind but my walk wasn't pleasant. My limbs were heavy and lurching, my eyes cast down, my brain in shadows. I cried. I sobbed. I gasped for air and understanding.

I told my husband how the bad thoughts were back, how I didn't think I would see our son learn to ride a bike like the cheerful children that passed us on the path. I told him how angry I was at my family. That I felt as if they had saddled me with so many problems, claimed to want to help me, and then disappeared and disappointed me like so many times before. I told him it felt like I was back in the blackness that I was dwelling in before inpatient. That this past month was just a distraction, not his so-called progress.

I could hear the falsehoods, the stain of depression on my words, but I had to say them, because part of me believes it all. A big part of me. It feels those horrible things, they become true in my hijacked mind. I have to let them out or they will kill me. Hell, it feels as if all those terrible thoughts will kill me even when I shed light on them.

I am hurting. Hurting like I've hurt so many times before. Wishing for a reprieve. Wishing for a different life, reality, existence. I can't see the way out, but I'm told there is one. I just have to wait until the wind shifts and it is revealed to me again. When my heart can look up and out again, and is ready to see, and the winds are right, I will find my way out. Once and again. And again.

Ugh. It's hot chocolate o'clock. Less thinking, more being.

Wishing everyone happier Sundays than mine has been so far. And good grief, let's hope the Hawks win.

Saturday, September 26, 2015


past tense: floundered; past participle: floundered
  1. struggle or stagger helplessly or clumsily in water or mud.
    "he was floundering about in the shallow offshore waters"
    synonyms:strugglethrashflail, twist and turn, splashstaggerstumblereellurch,blundersquirmwrithe
    "people were floundering in the water"
    • struggle mentally; show or feel great confusion.
      "she floundered, not knowing quite what to say"
      synonyms:struggle, be out of one's depth, have difficulty, be confounded, be confused; More
    • be in serious difficulty.
      "many firms are floundering"
      synonyms:struggle financially, be in dire straits, face financial ruin, be in difficulties,face bankruptcy/insolvency, founder
      "more firms are floundering"

This day. It could've been fine but it wasn't. It alternately recovered and was lost so many times, battling anxiety and nausea, in the end leaving me in tears, sobs, and numbness. 

I so want this pain to go away. I want better days. I need better days not these terrible ones. I need to feel like I have a normal, healthy self to return to. I know I've made some progress, but my mind doesn't see it today. I just feel so weary.

Fuck this day and it's little dog too.

Here's hoping sleep will bring me a better mood tomorrow.

Friday, September 25, 2015

Japanese Gardens

Pics from one of the outpatient Wednesday outings:

Gingko was one of my fav trees

Can't see him, but there was a turtle making quite an effort
to combat the koi for nibbles!

Turtle island.

(A) Can't decide

(B) which daisy picture

(C) I like best!

For whatever reason I like this "up the nose" selfie

Lots of paths

Felt symbolic of choosing a new path

Loved this special spot by the the stream

Looking forward to making my own Wednesday outings with B.B. :)

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Disney Debrief

I'm reclined in bed with my faithful heating pad cranked to "sizzle," my belly full of gingerbread with caramel sauce and a half-a-cup of half-caf coffee drizzled on top. Definitely an emotional eating moment, but tis officially fall and I'll call it celebration.

We went into the trip saying that we weren't "attacking" Disneyland, that we were gonna be "casual" about it. I'm not quite sure we achieved "chillaxedness" since we pushed ourselves as far as we could and then some.

 The hubs soldiered on with dual blisters between the balls of his feet and his toes, my dad pressed through knee troubles, my mom kept on going despite exhaustion, menopausal surprise bleeding, and I soldiered on through aching legs and troublesome mental trembles. We were all worse for wear but we got a lot done:

Photopass shots at the gate, Walt statue, castle, Matterhorn, Big Thunder Railroad, Haunted Mansion (see below for some-my apologies for crappy cellphone pics of a pic quality)

Rode Space Mountain, Big Thunder Mountain, Tower of Terror, Ariel's, Snow White's, Pinnochio's, Storybook Canal, Star Tours (somewhat by accident), It's a Small World, Buzz's, Tiki Room, Monster's Inc., Splash Mountain, Grizzly River Run, and the rest of the group rode additional rides or went for second or thirds on favorites. I was bummed Pirates was down, but oh well.

Watched shows Aladdin, Fantasmic, Fireworks, Paint the Night Parade.

Shopped, of course, everywhere. Baby got a Mickey stuffie, a 24 mos sized t-shirt to grow into, a fairy tales Disney storybook, and the hubs got a t-shirt and we both got pins for our lanyard (that we forgot at home, oops!) and I got new PJ pants. A bit more shopping than we usually do but we were prepared so it was okay.

Diaper blowouts at Blue Bayou and outside Monster's Inc. ride.

Ate at Blue Bayou, Ralph Brennan's, Roscoe's Chicken & Waffles, got corn dogs at the little red wagon on Main Street, indulged in ice cream and housemade chocolate treats, Dole pineapple whip floats, Bubba Gump.

We took a few good breaks but for the most part we were going, going, going and always at a charging pace. Even when we were exhausted there was always someone going back to the parks for more. The hubs and I spent one evening at Magic Kingdom and my folks spent the other two evenings back in the parks. It was exhausting and super stimulating. I don't know how else to do Disney and I don't think anyone else did either. We always attack it and take as much as we can, I'm not sure what "casual" looks like!

In the midst of all the going there were a few times I took breaks for wellness' sake and I enjoyed that down time just as much as the going, going time. I think a hot shower, hot pad, cozy bed, and a good book will always be high on my list of enjoyable things.

Speaking of enjoyable, I did struggle to enjoy much of the trip and that was frustrating and sad but I didn't let it ruin things. I threw up my arms and yelled on the rides because that's what I know you're supposed to do but some of the time I just felt like slumping into a corner and letting my face fall slack.

Oh, and the flights each went wonderfully. Had a spare seat, a few diaper changes each way, nursing at 40,000' and all was well.

It wasn't the trip we had planned, coming off an inpatient and outpatient treatment and barely having our life in order, me blunted by depression and meds, haunted by anxiety, and the hubs exhausted from working, parenting, and spousing himself all over-but overall it was a success.

We survived Disneyland 2015. Now the anxious waiting to see if we brought home any incubating viruses.... ;) Anytime I'm on a plane I feel like I'm playing Russian roulette with cold and flu!

Happy Fall everyone. Glorious autumn has returned to me, and I am so delighted and falling in love all over again. Well, ya know, when I'm not feeling shitastic, anxious, and depressed ;p

OH and as far the 60th anniversary stuff, the fireworks were AMAZING, the evening parade was fabulous, the decor and special energy was enjoyable but I think the fall themed special stuff was nearly as special.... I'm curious to experience Disney at Christmastime now since I so enjoyed the fall spirit. Seeing the characters in special costumes and the little variations on the decor and treats was so cheerful.... Maybe I'm just easily pleased? Whatever! It was cute :)

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Fall is Here

Some pictures from my equinox:

Hubby bought me a new travel mug  ^^^ :)

Great view from the doctor's office in Issaquah.
Disappointed to not feel like I'm getting better but at least not worse.

Love this year's seasonal cup....

Baby Bananaface lookin' stylish in his "big boy" stroller (no car seat).

Playing Rummy, cute socks, cute expressions

Finally gave Mod Pizza a try. It was awesome. Marion Blackberry Lemonade too!

Baby's books from the online book party 

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Home Again, Thank Goodness

***Fair Warning: It's a wacky, overtired, discombobulated post!***

I am wiped. Wore out. Pooped. The hubs is too. Baby Bananaface.... well, he could just keep on adventuring til the diapers run out. Soooo many "he's a cutie" and "what a flirt" comments, he's a star.

Our Disney adventure has concluded and we are back home for the recuperating portion of the vacay. The hubbo was putting B.B. down for a nap and sang a song of gratitude for the big purple yoga ball in the nursery, "I'm so glad to have my ball back.... so good to have my big ball back." He don't sing, but when he does it would be about balls.

The trip was a success although the hubs is nursing some blisters and we're both pretty sore from all the walking and standing and strain.

Top favorite moments..... Hmm. I'll do some of them in no particular order:

-Finding B.B.'s tooth bud on the plane ride down (he cut the tooth during our trip, what a champ!) and other sweet moments shared with my folks

-B.B. blowing out at our "fancy" and yumtacular Blue Bayou dinner. It was so, so funny. The hubs had him in his lap and we had no clue until I did a check and had my fingers come back wet, and then the discovery that the hub's cloth dinner napkin was "contaminated" and his shorts.... It was a dinner to be remembered and not just for the fabulous food!

-B.B. falling asleep on the Haunted Mansion, who would have guessed? Not me. Also, I enjoyed the "Nightmare Before Christmas" version, very surprising since I hate the movie.

-Riding the Matterhorn with hubs during the evening fireworks show, what a view!

-B.B. actively enjoying rides like the Monsters Inc., Snow White's Scary Adventures (yeah, I don't get how he enjoyed that but whatevs), and Buzz Lightyear's Astro Blasters, It's a Small World-just watching him look and wave and smack the lap bar, he was adorable.

-Watching the fireworks and Fantasmic! show with the hubs and B.B. asleep in my arms (he was crazy good at sleeping through loud noise, including the plane landing)

-Roscoe's Chicken & Waffles dinner, so delicious and then hilarious when we let B.B. play with the straw to my lemonade and he sucked up a bit and got such a cute offended pucker face, it was so ridiculously cute and funny! Not gonna say I'm proud of letting my nearly 7 month old consume sugary beverage, even just a sip, but it was funny.

-Spending time with just me and the hubs. Watching the "Paint the Night" parade. Even just waiting in line. There were some rough patches but I really enjoyed the sync'd patches. Damn my moods. Anyways...

-Actually enjoying a salad like I never have before, TWICE! I had a salad for dinner one night, that has never happened before! This is exciting for me :)

There were countless other little moments of laughter and fun with my parents but there was also an odd heavy silence factor with my mom and I think it has to do with my aunt.

I have not heard anything directly from my mother or my aunt but the hubs was told that my aunt has some sort of bad news in the form of cancer/biopsies/chemo, lungs and lymph nodes? It's nothing surprising (she's had scares before and smokes like crazy) but my mom kept it from me (thinking I couldn't handle it with my mental health issues going on) and since it hasn't been formally talked about and she's having a hard time with it there was an awkwardness that I sensed and was stressed by... but I have enough going on and wasn't interested in playing shrink to my mom. She kept quiet and avoided it mostly, apparently talking about it with my dad or around the hubs but not me-until she bough something for my aunt and said something like "she can take it to chemo." It was super awkward. She paused right before saying it, as if hesitating or just adding emphasis, I don't know. It was weird. I couldn't tell if it was manipulative or naturally awkward but it was stressful and I ignored the comment.

ANYWAYS. Don't know how I feel about it. I detached from my aunt years ago because I knew this would be coming... yet I was overcome with sadness thinking "what a terrible way to go." Not necessarily sad that she will be leaving this realm, just acknowledging how difficult the transition will be for her. I wouldn't want that for anyone. I'm sure more feelings will surface.

In other news, no hecklers while I nursed, yippee! and I gave away a few "way to go you" cards to babywearing mommas. That felt good :)

I may write on this more later as I decompress.... thank you all for all your well wishes, I did manage to have some fun between mood dips! now I am very much looking forward to resting up and evening out a bit.

Til then, photos from the hubbo's compendium of random trip pics:

Tower of Terror
In line when Indiana Jones broke down

No idea why he found it necessary to take these candids, but they turned out pretty well haha!

No on the ears, but he likes his Mickey stuffie

I may never understand his photographer ways.... :)

Hope to have some of the professional pics from the Photopass thingamajig, but not sure how that'll work out. To be continued....

Saturday, September 19, 2015


Flight down went great, he slept on the way up and the way down. Two diapers en route but we had an extra seat and it was easy peasy.

So far my mood has been up and down. This morning was rough cosleeping and feeling like the babe was wanting boob constantly. I was quite grouchy. Hoping regular breaks and snacks will help combat the irritability and keep my mood from sliding :)

Here we go, time for Disneyland!

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Faster than a slug, slower than a bee

I haven't been posting lately and I'm not quite sure why. Probably in part because I've been busy doing self care and getting to bed and making it to outpatient-it's very helpful but pretty tiring. I also feel like I've been lacking inspiration. 

Sure, stuff comes up in group and I'm working on changing habits and patterns at home, but for some reason translating that into blogging has been tougher. I'm not sure if maybe my meds are kicking in and changing my status quo in unexpected ways or if I'm simply tired and something had to give. Either way, less posts have been posted or even attempted.

So. I'm doing pretty well. Less and less suicidal thoughts/flashes and self harming urges and I'm able to do more self care and take better care of myself. I'm still struggling with the eating enough and feeding myself when I'm hungry but overall I've been improving. 

I've been quite worried about my mood taking a sharp upswing last week and fearing the bottom dropping out. It hasn't happened and I've been able to maintain an even keel for a few days, but the worry is becoming worse and worse. My shoulders ache, my thoughts aren't quite blatantly running away but in a subconscious way I feel the hum of anxiety in my mind.

The babe has been crawling (full crawl, belly up style now) and cruising along the level change between our living room and dining area, more babbling and his grip has improved-so much growth. In the negative we've had some fall out from my mastitis meds. The antibiotics affected his gut flora and he started getting diarrhea-not full on but enough to get major diaper rash and cause discomfort. We've got him taking probiotics and we're coating him with Vaseline and A&D waiting for things to calm down. I've still got a few days left of antibiotics.

My supply seems to be coming up again, which is good, but I am worried about keeping the freezer stash up.

Tired. Gonna laze around a bit. Maybe a lovely hot beverage.... REST is on my menu.

Thursday, September 10, 2015

It Finally Happened

Baby Bananaface finally met his goal of spitting up on my specs.

**** realized after posting this that it is my 500th post! 
Arbitrary I know, but yes, I feel accomplishment, so woo and a hoo****

Wednesday, September 9, 2015


Today was my first day at outpatient. I cried more than I would've liked. My boob is still flushed and infected and painful and plugged. I used to pump 5-6 1/2 oz outta Righty and now I'm struggling to get 3 oz.

At outpatient we went to the botanical gardens on the "Wednesday Outing" today and I was so weak and tired I only made it to the first rock garden. I hadn't been able to pump and eat my lunch during the allotted time so I plunked down in the shade and ate my lunch and watched a svelte slug chug up the side of a rock face. I felt defeated, hopeless, weary. I wasn't interested in trying anymore. I didn't see any light at the end of the tunnel.

Now, after doing a compress on Righty, talking with my uncle on the phone, taking a hot bath with a luscious shea bath bomb, talking to Mom on the phone and finding out she and Dad can help out with childcare (it was actually a very good phone call where I felt like I had the stage and got to share my feelings and BONUS we get reinforcements!) and then icing Righty and checking in with my blogosphere... now I'm feeling a little hope. Not quite a light at the end of the tunnel but maybe a flickering, half-obscured, murky glow. Seems to take a lot more to squeeze out a bit of hope than it used to, maybe that's just how bad today was.

Three steps back, half-a-step forward.

Back at it tomorrow, doin' the sluggo shuffle.

Tuesday, September 8, 2015



Today. Oy. I'm exhausted, I'm in pain and I am not looking forward to getting up early tomorrow to haul my ass down to Bellevue for outpatient (yep, I'm in, had my intake marathon appointment today).

So those aches I thought were my anxiety hangover yesterday? They only got worse. Last night was awful, tossing and turning with my heating pad on all night fighting chills and aches. This morning and all day I've had some of the worst headaches of my life.

I thought flu. Great. How am I supposed to do outpatient with the flu?

Then I noticed my boob was horribly tender.

Aha! Mastitis!

It's sucks butt. I have never felt my body so achy so fast, even worse than the swine flu. And to boot I have a huge new bottle of pills to take 4x a day for 10 days that may or may not give me or the babe diarrhea. Whoopee! Just what I need to spice up life, right? Pills pills pills. At least I should feel better. I'm just so wore out with all this "get better" stuff on top of "get better" stuff, need more "just be" and "I'm actually good right now."

Yeah. I was sure a happy camper at urgent care.

The hubs called the new pills "Star Treky" due to the
cool turquoise color.

Not the sort of "cherry on top" that I needed to my hard times. Not at all...

Not quite sure how I'll manage to get to outpatient by 8:30 AM and pump often enough to keep the mastitis duct from plugging and take all my pills and eat enough and get better enough to be on my own in a couple weeks... but I have to stop thinking of all that and just do it. One foot in front of the other, baby steps.

Here goes. *pouty face*

Monday, September 7, 2015

Oh the aches....

Woke up this morning anxious again. It got more acute when I wandered into our online banking thingamajig looking for a phone number (yeah I know it was stupid) and I ended up with an Ativan and a healthy lay-down.

Now I'm hungry but with no appetite and aching from head to toe, especially bad around my shoulders and neck per the usual. For some reason I didn't expect this episode to hurt so badly but it has.

In better news it seems like the business with my client has been wrapped up and now I just have to get over it.

Appointment tomorrow. Can't quite worry about that when just moving around is enough of a hassle.

I've colored a mandala and watched some documentary but need to try more coping techniques...

Woo hoo Labor Day.

Monday Missives #7

Another in my series of never-be-sent therapeutic letters, this from a few weeks ago, since I wrote it I've realized that I need to work on acceptance but here goes the expressing anger exercise...

Dear Sister,

I am still struggling with anger, so much anger, and it is a strange thing to me. Like a new fisherman unsure how to wrangle slippery fish I am unable to grasp it, manipulate it, dispose of it and so I am writing yet another letter to you as I attempt to expunge this toxic ire from my system. 

Complicating matters more is the fact that our family doesn't express anger very well and in a way the lever to release the negative energy has been glued, rusted, and locked shut for so long I have a damnably hard time expressing these feelings.

But I will try, and try again until I find the relief I need.

fuckyou you flaming hellbitch of a flaming sonofabitchcuntstupid stupid idiot i can't believe you how stupid and rude and insensitive and mean and stupid bitchface asshole stupid potholes in my heart, stinky rotting moldy jam in my fridge, black-brown sticky oil on my hands and bubblegum dogshit in the creases of my soles I hate what you do to me, I hate the bitter stinking den you have made in my heart and i want to roust you from your evil keep and banish you from my life, my mind, my obligations, I resent that I like you terrorize me that I give up so much of myself to your manipulative, soul sucking black hole of selfishness, all the anger I feel toward you is squared by the anger I then feel toward myself for letting those feelings burn me so!

God dammit, ****, why did you ever make me think that we could be close? Why did you and Mom ever imply that you would work on things, give me this infernal hope that leads me on, ties me down. I have to kill it, excise it, cut it lose and chase it away like some friendly fawn outside a slaughterhouse that doesn't know any better...

"I'm done" rings through my mind so often as I think of things, "I'm done with this shit," I want to walk away, I want to flee, to take up residence in some lonely, cold observation tower in Greenland or the Northern Territory, protected by distance and ice that you would not brave to harass me. I would rather spend my years alone, conversing with arctic birds and watching my breath leave me than spend time in your company.

Watching how you handle your pregnancy makes me sick, I can only guess watching you parent will be agonizing. Watching you and that manchild you call your fiance is laughable and troubling. I see our mother and father pandering to you, babying you while trying to help your "partner" mature more quickly, and it hurts me to see their lives being hijacked by this pothole you've dug in our family's path. You can drag everyone else down with you, but I'm not interested. As I've said before, I don't believe this pregnancy was any accident and I will not buy into the drama.

I see only sad things in your future, and maybe it's my mood problems but maybe it's just the path you desire to take and in that case, you are welcome to whatever pity or attention you can garner from others, but you won't get it from me. It's your choice to dilute yourself, to shirk away from your potential, to enable your worst tendencies and cultivate your insecurities.

So disappointing. 


Sunday, September 6, 2015

Another Rough Day

Today I awoke with anxious thoughts about cancelling my doula gig at the forefront of my mind. The entire day, off and on, it has plagued me. The anxiety making me tense, at times nauseated or light headed, at others my limbs semi-frozen and heavy. I took my anti-anxiety meds but it didn't help much if at all. Living in dread is making me ill. Tomorrow, if I haven't heard from the client, I will call and face these fears. Hopefully I can at least get some closure.

I've also been agitated, impatient, and snappy today, one of my early signs that my mood is in decline. It is so strange to be aware of one's mood being so irrational, so out of control, like being hijacked. I am able to control some of the angry outbursts but still have my moments. I am able to tell the hubby that I'm agitated and snappy (which is already obvious) and I'm able to communicate about my mood but my tone and delivery is wonky... It's hard to explain but basically I'm not myself today.

Don't get me wrong, some days being cranky and snappy happens but today it seems not of me, it doesn't follow, it seems strange and out of control.

I don't know. But that is where I am at the moment.

Reading and doing my distraction/relaxation therapy helps, trying not to fight this or grapple with it, but instead letting it pass through helps as well.

Tomorrow is a new day.

PS Ya know you're reading a good romance novel when someone accidentally gets lit on fire. Pretty dang good chapter ending cliffhanger.

PPS Ya know you're hubby is concerned about your mental health when his chit chat involves some story about a lady that had postpartum psychosis... twice.

Friday, September 4, 2015

Chaperoned, to the Bone!

Mom was here today to keep watch on me while the hubs was at work. She came up yesterday afternoon.

Things went pretty well. We were a little too active, going up to the outlets and walking a bit right up until my therapy appointment, but I did appreciate the distraction. The entire first half of the day I didn't get swept away by my thoughts and it was a nice break even if it was hard on me physically.

The therapy appointment went well, although it was a bit tense. My therapist was a bit baffled that I ended up hospitalized, she didn't think things were so bad. It seems like we have a chance at changing directions and making things work. It looks like I'll be in the outpatient program at Overlake for a week or so, so I said I would get in touch after or if I needed extra help during. Jury is still out, but I'd rather give it a go then add one more big change to the pot if I can help it.

Yeah, so the hubs made some calls and I got a call or two from Overlake and I have an intake appointment on Tuesday. It's a solid 2 hours long so I'm pretty sure I'm "in" but they hold off confirmation until the psychiatrist and clinical staff meet me. The program is from 8:30 AM to 2:30 PM and they have people stay 6-8 days. It would bump right up against the Disneyland trip (or should I say the controversial Disneyland trip) but I think it will be helpful, I just hope a little vacay (Fri-Tues) doesn't hamper my progress. *sigh* I just can't win. I guess I will do the best I can and leave it at that.

So... Oh. Yeah. Cancelling on my doula client has been bothering me but overall my mood was all right today. I think staying distracted helps. There's nothing worrying can do for me, so I don't feel too bad about keeping my mind off of things. The hubs and I are going to work on a phone call script so I can call her up this weekend if I don't hear back soon. *gulp* I feel so horrible but he and the psychiatrist have a point, I'm in no condition to help someone else. I can barely exist myself. So... Ugh. I still feel bad. Like I should have just bit my tongue and thrown myself under the train and done the gig, but that is self harming in a way.

Boy. I am all twisted up... How did I get so back asswards about taking care of myself? Sometimes the crazy is just unbelievable, even when I've lived with it for so long.

Anyways. Gonna work on the "DEFCON" scale to help my family know how to help me during my bad times... Might be an ongoing project this weekend between distraction and stress relief techniques.

My first day on 300 mg of Seroquel went all right, a bit tired but once I got going I stayed going.

One hour at a time. Just one. *sigh*

Thursday, September 3, 2015

That Same Agony

Yesterday was a yo-yo day. The bottom sucked. I was frozen in misery, my tears cried, my muscles tensed, stuck in bed like roadkill. The hubs and my MIL took turns checking on me while trying to take of the baby and make dinner. It was horrible to feel so low again after spending a week getting to a better place. 

Today I had an appointment with the psychiatrist and she was definitely not pleased with my reaction to coming home. "Too much, too soon" she said, "I think we underestimated the level of stress for you" and "I really think outpatient is where you need to be."

So we're looking into it. And childcare. And finding another doula for my October client. She also recommended getting a new therapist (already in the works) and moving the Disneyland trip (uh, yeah... probably not gonna happen). 

Basically I'm a train wreck in the midst of a hurricane. I can stand Baby Bananaface for a few minutes here and there but my tolerance is next to nothing. Tears or anger or both if I overdo it. I'm practically useless but at least I don't eat much (appetite is messed up too). 

Ugh. This sucks. Yesterday I said "I don't want to do this anymore" or "I don't want to live anymore" so many times in my head I lost track. I think it's reasonable to suspect that I may end up in that space again soon. 

I did "weave" a few bracelets and color a few mandalas but boy, I sure hope these drugs kick in soon, cuz at the moment it feels like I'm tossing matchsticks on a wet wool blanket hoping for a warm glow.

Shocker. It ain't workin!

At least Baby Bananaface is still glorious.