Yesterday was quite a busy day.
Part of my busy was driving down to Seattle to meet a friend from my second hospitalization at a cafe. I used my turn-by-turn navigation and even found parking, I was so proud of myself! Our visit lasted hours and we really enjoyed ourselves although I stayed a little longer than I should've (my anxiety flared a bit toward the end) and drank some caffeine that I should've avoided that caused me some discomfort later, but all in all it was a great visit.
After that I drove to the Eastside to drop the commuter car with the carseat off at Hubster's work and take the clunker home and then I made dinner and then later that night I checked out a support group-lots of activity, lots of driving, lots of socializing. It was a different sort of day than I've had in quite a while!
I felt proud of myself for getting out there and doing more but I'm also concerned about my mood stability and being too "up" and risking a crash.
This morning was a little crash with some suicidal thoughts messing up my chill. It's so easy to believe that I can't fix myself and that dying is the best option but a part of me knows that that is a flawed message from a flawed brain that needs to be fought and remedied. So challenging for me. So sad. So frustrating, disappointing, and angering.
Anyways. That's some of what's going on with me. I also wanted to share some of the hubster's perspective from some of our recent conversations.
We were talking about my memory troubles and trying to determine what was caused by ECT and what wasn't and the hubbo dropped this line, "Your memory goes to shit when you have bad anxiety." It made me giggle! He did make a good point that I've suffered memory issues from anxiety since before ECT so we can't blame it all on treatment.
Days later in a separate conversation he was talking about me getting back to life instead of focusing so much on the sickness and said, "You're not being institutionalized. You're not a mental patient. You're a healthy human being with a disease that sometimes gives you serious issues." He also commented on my unfortunate tendency to have my thoughts fly toward suicide so quickly by saying, "You're conditioned to have that response-you're a self-harmer. At some point you gotta stop focusing on your disease, depression, and suicide and you gotta live your life."
I feel pressure to perform and disappointment in myself for not being "better" as I reread these comments the hubbo made but the part of me where the spark of life and rebellion against the darkness dwells sees a truth in his words; hopes to return to living a life first and foremost instead of the diseases always coming first and occupying so much of my existence. It's a terrible way to live dwelling in misery and frustration so often! No wonder I'm no excited about life, I don't give myself much to look forward to when I surround myself with symptoms and treatments and coping and crises-ugh!
We're also a little concerned about my bonding with Baby Bananaface. It's been a bit better lately but I still feel detached and distant. I'm more affectionate with the hubster but I still feel like a third wheel in the family. They are "normal" and "functional" and I'm this weird extra figure that brings more problems than help... maybe that's my negativity speaking and not facts? Ugh. This brain o' mine!
Like I said, it's been a rough morning. Now I think I'm going to go for a walk or hit the gym and try to distract myself from my negative thoughts, even try to inject some positive, reassuring thoughts instead! I'm doing a good job, I'm trying my best, I'm on the right path, I'm worth working on, I can do it!
Happy Friday and happy thoughts to all :o)