I tend to lose track of the days but today after gym class I was fairly confident that it was the 11th and indeed, it is! What does that mean? It means that it's been 3 months since I attempted suicide. It means that in 3 months I've gone from trying to kill myself to attending group exercise classes multiple times a week, making dinner at least twice a week, taking charge of Baby Bananaface for short periods, participating in social events, keeping up with my meds, shifting my internal bullying towards self-care, and so many other little (big) steps towards taking care of myself and making my way back towards thriving instead of just barely surviving.
I don't want to dive too deep into all the feelings and thoughts that this anniversary stirs up for me because I've been getting ambushed and overwhelmed by intense emotions lately and I don't want to step into a trap! That said, I do want to mention how it brings up some mixed feelings and a bit of confusion. I find myself cheering myself on and feeling proud and then I also find myself feeling sad and tearful and afraid of that darkness that nearly ended me, that darkness that still lives in me and could return at any time.
I've come a long way and I'm proud of that. I'm grateful that my wonderful husband saved my life and I'm also sickened by the thought of what I nearly did to him and Baby Bananaface. I feel shame and sadness and fear but then I feel happiness and gratitude and pride. It's a confusing mix, but I think it's reasonable. These are complicated things after all.
So today I'm working on being kind to myself while I work through my schedule and to-do list, keeping busy and warding off the bad thoughts. I piped up about the anniversary to the hubs and asked if we could go out for a bit of a celebration dinner and we've got plans for later which makes me happy :o)
Things are a little overwhelming/confusing but I'm just gonna ride the wave and accept where I am right now. Things happen. This is where I am now. Where I'll be when doesn't matter so much as taking things one moment at a time and accepting and loving and caring for myself the best that I can along the way so that I can love and live for my friends and family (including my bloggin' buddies!).
Today is the 11th. Today I am actively living my day and taking care of myself. Today is a good day.