Friday, December 29, 2017


Today was a rough day. I broke down in the car crying on the way home from gym three or four times. Thoughts and images of suicide haunting me.

 I had enough perspective that I was able to text the hubster once I got home. As we spoke on the phone I broke down sobbing and nearly hyperventilating. As I tried to speak to my husband my son pushed my legs and directed me to the bedroom urging me to get into bed and blowing me kisses saying "all better." 

 It was gut wrenching seeing my toddler trying to take care of me and seeing how he knew that when I have mental health issues to put in bed because he seen his father cart me off and tuck me in so many times before. 

 After shower I was able to calm down and focused on feeding us lunch. After that I spent a lot of time on the couch trying to recover some strength and dozing while BB played on his own. 

Im not out of the woods yet and I'm in a better place than this morning. Got a call into the psychiatrist about ECT and jumping through some hoops to get back in for treatment. Hopefully next week.

Going on two weeks now. We knew it was a relapse-not an acite episode-even though we really hoped it wouldn't be full-on.

Here we are again. One step at a time. Fighting for hope and faith. Doing what I can.

The holidays were tough and triggering. Probably had a lot to do with my failing mood. Even so, not all bad. Good memories.

Love and hugs.


  1. Oh, sweet're doing all the right things, hold on...

  2. Heartfelt hugs. You have come such a long way to be able to handle this. I hate that you go though it, but am so proud of your growth.

  3. I'm so sorry it's a relapse. You h ave been going through the ringers, with staying at your folks house, your sister, the holidays, the move, your husband's job.... I mean, REALLY?!
    Here's wishing you a quick an robust spring back from the relapse. You are doing all the right things. It will get better! love

  4. You are continuing to reach out for help in your dark times. That says a lot.

    Your online community is here for you anytime you need us. You express yourself so well, I've got to believe it helps at least a little when you write. Sending positive thoughts your way.

  5. Just checking to see how you are today. xo

  6. Big hugs and here's hoping that treatment will help bring back good times to you again, my dear!

  7. Still trucking. Off and on couch. Seems like I have a decent day, get my hopes up, they fall back into exhaustion and dark thoughts. Trying to keep with baby steps. ECT doc says insurance paperwork being resolved.

  8. Hannah, this time of the year is so damn hard. My thoughts go between being so done and ready to just quit trying to just wanting to sleep to eating all the food in sight to being just okay. Never really feel good and never ever happy. I’m so sick of winter and we are only a couple weeks in. I am starting a new treatment plan around medication. Will see if it works.
    Hannah, you are a lovely and brave soul.


Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF