Words for Wednesday

As usual, somehow this became therapeutic and part of my life-with a healthy dose of fiction!

False
Moon
Whispers
Broken
Lies
Tree


And/or


Body
Night
Black
Cry
Water
Action

A shaggy pine tree stood black in the night sky while a cooling fire lie broken below. My huddled body was chilled. Small actions like rubbing my hands or wiggling my calves together didn't do much. The plastic chair with mismatched outdoor cushion was surprisingly comfortable and the heartily built fire ring built of concrete blocks was grimed up with joy and char. Somehow this moon was cooler than last week's. I took a sip of water and cleared my throat.

"I didn't want to be so deceitful." Somehow whispers left my mouth despite my attempt to speak up. "Please don't cry--"

Broken sobs came from across the pit and I shuddered, starting to cry myself.

"It's not just the lies," she mumbled, "it's more that you couldn't trust me. I couldn't be there for you."

Trust had been broken. Rather, dreams had been broken. What each person had dreamed could be true wasn't a possibility to imagine anymore.

False hope no more.

Pretty Dang Well

Like I said, things went pretty dang well.

The luncheon was only distressing for a bit when my brother left and I was able to use DBT coping skills. The interview went well enough and I had a good time.

The worst part about the interview was the build up. My anxiety flared up in classic form yet I was able to relax between studying sessions. We even went to my parents for a dinner/s'mores and I was able to forget my worries! There was a different type of stress in that I couldn't reveal where the interview was for (as in what school exactly) and I really wanted to talk to my mom about it. Once I find out yes/no I will say and the whole UT thing will be out in the open at last. (why not just say? the hubs said something about bad luck for the interview! (smily face here))

In other news, I'm coming off lithium now because of the tremors and it being springtime. The idea is that we use it wintertime as a preventative method.My psychiatrist is leaving the offices I've seen her through for these years now so our visits will become virtual and it should only take one piece of paperwork.

As for quarantine, we are doing as well as we have been-well, a little less effective as it goes with BB and sticking to a strict schedule. He's been having little distractions. How do I say? He'll get really into something and screw up the schedule but it works for us because he's entertained with his LEGO or artwork or whatnot. Then again, we have been relying more and more on technology it seems. So, if I'm being reasonable-we are doing alright.

Here we go again....

My second Zoom interview ever is scheduled for Monday. I wriggled out of an appointment for tomorrow because I feel much less than well prepared. It still feels like a hail Mary even with a few days of studying.

The interview is for a part-time English teaching job down in Utah. What exactly that entails, I am not sure but I plan on finding more out.

Funny moment though, I wrapped up a Zoom appointment with my psychiatrist and then left my computer on the bed. Well, few hours later I walk in to find it with the screen still on. And wouldn't ya know, it was plastered with Olive Garden food. Kinda funny to me!

My mother is planning a birthday luncheon for my sister tomorrow and ordering Olive Garden. I was on the fence about going but The Hubster really needs alone time for his meetings Friday and, hell, it sounds like good eats.

So I'll be working on my distress tolerance and IMPROVE skills from DBT to get through tomorrow.... maybe I'll even study up a bit tonight between interview questions!

Baby steps and really checking on the anxiety through Monday!

Easter and Anxiety

As I mentioned a couple posts ago, my sister dropped in unannounced and freaked me out a bit AND I've also been having some pandemic anxiety. That mixed up to some bad days and even some self-harm urges. So... we decided that I wasn't going to Easter this year. If it had just been us and the parents I would've been okay, but alas, I spent it alone while the boys went an hour south to see all my sibs and nephews and parents.

That said, I spent it ALONE! I got to eat when I wanted, what I wanted, watch what I wanted. Definite perks beside the loneliness and desire to see BB take down some Easter eggs. We've been in pandemic mode with BB home and Hubbo working from home in a 2-bedroom apartment; so alone time is a cherished thing.

While staying away from Easter saved me a lot of anxiety, I wasn't completely exempt. I'm still experiencing pandemic stress and don't like going to the store and I'm totally freaked out about having to get gas *gag* The hubs is understanding most of the time and others times shocked. "Why are you thinking about that?" "How are you so freaked out?" I tell him I have an anxiety condition and he usually calms down a bit. Even after all these years he seems to think that I should be able to have a stressful thought once and then move on, never again to be bothered by the same issue.

That would be nice!

Happy Easter to those that celebrate on all level. I'm still coping by way of DBT skills and catching judgments. Tonight we're going to pick up Cheesecake Factory for dinner! One thing that I don't get too terribly bent outta whack about is picking up some to-go.

Wellness wishes!

Friday Funday and Tongue-Tied

Things went well today with BB. I loosened up my standards and was able to let things go and flow easier. This morning, huddled around BB's little desk coloring, we happily spent an hour in the small bedroom while the hubs had his meeting. Then, our time outside was also fun after I used chalk and a stone to create a couple different games on the sidewalk. BB even simply ran like a madman for a bit!

So, I'm feeling better in that regard. That said, I'm tongue-tied. "Words for Wednesday" just wasn't happening and I'm having trouble commenting on other blog posts. Hell, I'm ready to wrap up this post and I've typed two small paragraphs! I'll wait and see. Hopefully the words return. For now, I'll watch another soap video.

Be well :o)

Miss Teacher

BB is wrapped up in his Toy Story 4 fleece blanket squirming around with exaggerated moans in the midst of a tantrum. Thankfully a quiet tantrum considering the hubster has to take part in a conference call in a few minutes. I'm sitting off to the side by the door to his room on my lappy waiting things out, anticipating the next 45-60 minutes trapped in this small room with my 5 yo.

I'm Miss Teacher at the moment. Since BB has been home this week full time we explained that I am now his teacher. There was a bit of controversy about what to call me considering his teachers are Mr. and Ms. First Names. I couldn't go by Miss Hannah with my child. No thank you, no way! So somehow he landed on Miss Teacher for the day.

BB's introduction to Nutella

It hasn't been awful being Miss Teacher. The routine is very helpful getting through the day. That said, I'm not adjusting all that quick. Tuesday I started getting snippy. We started on Monday. The schedule is working out although there are some gaps. Thankfully he plays solo pretty well. The hubs says I'm being hard on myself for thinking that I can't do this when it's only been a few days. I can see that. I can also see being totally fed up with this in a few more (nervous laugh). 

I don't know how full time parents do it! I can spend all day with the hubbo but with BB just his voice and all the repetitive conversation gets under my skin. Hopefully this is part of the transition and building up a tolerance. I've always known I wasn't a baby person and I relate better with middle schoolers and up as a teacher, so maybe that's part of the equation too. 

In other news, my sister stopped by my apartment without warning late last week. It shook me up. Now I'm dreading Easter. Not that it's any guarantee that we get to celebrate Easter what with the shelter in place order. We doubt social gatherings over 6 will be allowed then, but who knows. And who knows whether we'll go anyways.