August?!

Wowza. Summer is over soon! BB starts 5th grade (yes, you read that right) on the 18th and we will be getting into a whole new routine again.

Last week was frustrating and confusing at work. Things went pretty well and I was feeling pretty good about things until the end of the week when my boss didn't give me the time I needed with him to get his to-do list even partially attacked. He spent time talking about were to hang his degree and license and shit and talking about the podcast he wanted to do... "my clients love me" doesn't seem like it's going to last if you don't ever take care of them.

Anyways, I did have an interview scheduled for this Tuesday but I cancelled it. I don't think a car dealership is the place for me, but my friend says that they always seem to friendly to each other there that she thought it might be a good place for me. Maybe she was right, but I decided that things aren't too bad at work and the flexibility to take time off whenever I need (outside of tax season) is just too valuable for us as a family.

That said, it's very dysfunctional. I've found myself concerned more and more for one of my work friends and her verbally abusive boss/husband. Yes, I live in fear for myself and how long I can stay on the good side of these volatile accountants --- but she is regularly abused and put down and insulted and it's horrible.

My other anchor is about to quit if she doesn't get a raise or get to charge more for her services. I don't think the accountants are going to spring for it. Today she did six returns for only $450 because the boss gave the family a discount... a discount from $175 a return to $75 a return. He whisked away $600 without consulting her. 

In other news, I've been trying hard to change my eating habits to try and battle the nausea I've been dealing with. It does seem connected to what I eat and when and how much. I'm down a few pounds because of it apparently (it didn't feel like I'd lost weight until I weighed myself and I was under 220 lbs for the first time in.. a long time). A GI diagnosed me with silent reflux months ago and the Nexium equivalent was working for a while, but then the nausea came back. I had tried to change my eating and got rid of a lot of things, but it wasn't enough. I was even scheduled for an endoscopy when the hubs found a different provider that can provide a second opinion and slightly different approach to the whole thing.

So I'm seeing a nurse practitioner that specializes in gastro and then a gut-brain specialist and a dietitian as well for a multi-faceted approach instead of the traditional GI route. We shall see. I'm hopeful. Getting labs done Monday.

It's been so frustrating. I can't even eat half a sandwich with chips like I used to for lunch (and that was a half of what I used to eat before that). Every meal is smaller, I have to snack now, and I'm drinking water all day at work to try and help as well. None of my favorite spicy foods or onions. It's just a bummer for what I'm seeing results-wise. It's so hard to feel better about it when the good sign is the absence of something. Like... I have to notice, "Oh, I'm not nauseous" to feel good about things and I miss that element and then just feel angsty for all the changes I'm making.

It's like living life in manual instead of automatic now. Which is mindful and good in many ways, but I'm feeling bitchy about it. We also think going down on my Vraylar may be contributing. Either that or work stress. I've been... well, bitchier is a good word. Just lashing out and sassy and angry, not like me. So I'm seeing my psych this month too to talk about that as well.

Whew. Long post. Hope everyone is doing well! Just keep swimming... :o)

Allergies. Good Grief.

I've never had allergies like this. So much sneezing. I don't typically have spring allergies and I'm a little suspicious of some new perfume I got (but I really don't want that to be the case!). The Hubs has been sneezing and dripping a lot too.

An example of work drama for you...

This past Friday my boss was looking forward in the schedule and noticed that he had appointment scheduled around the first two weeks in July. Well, he's going to be overseas. His vacay hadn't been put on the communal calendar and appointments had been made. I immediately offered to reschedule everything and he put the vacation on the calendar. 

That wasn't it though. He swore that he had known about the trip since December/January and put it on the calendar a long time ago. Then he started talking about the last receptionist and issues there and postulated that the old receptionist deleted the vacation on purpose. 

I rescheduled most of the appointments and left messages for others to call back Monday to reschedule. Then another employee catches me and says she wants to strangle the boss because he planned a vacation at the end of a quarter and didn't bother to tell anyone. Another employee practically cackled when she perused the calendar and found out I had to reschedule people (an employee he happened to mentioned was working closely with the previous receptionist). 

The bad part for me is being between. The boss straight up said he needs someone "on his side" and "faithful to me" and I'm his assistant. But I'm also seeing unhealthy tendencies and desperate to stay neutral and maintain relationships with the other faction (the rest of the office) that is "against" the boss. 

So that's a taste. I'll try to paint pictures of this workplace for y'all. I have some buddies that are quite intrigued by the drama already!

Got my first pedicure in a LONG time today and felt like a slob. But I got it done despite the furry pants (thank you cats) and the semi-shaved legs and slightly hairy toes. Oh well! I like the salon and scheduled out for May near Mother's Day. I'll get another right before the cruise I think and try to keep up at least through the summer and sandal season. It was good self-care and BB did a great job waiting and entertaining himself with a comic book and LEGO axolotl. 

Anyways. Not a vital update I suppose, but I wanted to type!

In other news and probably another post itself, I'm tweaking some medication to try and bring a little more versatility to my emotional plane. I've been a little flat and maybe overmedicated, but we'll see. Gotta be careful. 

Ah ha! It works now!

 I was trying to post a while ago, but got an error and then was deterred. But I'm here now.

It's been a bit of a ride lately.... I got the new job at the private business as an assistant and receptionist, which meant resigning at my other job which happened to be subject to the Trump mass layoffs. Wouldn't you know, the day after I left most of my department was cut??? The last few days at the office were so strange as the rumor mills ground away. I'm glad I got out when I did, but now I'm unsure if my situation is stable.

What I mean is that my new job has some drama attached to it. The job itself is great. I like being a receptionist and assisting. I've run to get food, I've fielded phone calls, done research, composed letters. It's all good. That said, the boss is a bit... emotional. There was a huge angry blow up a couple weeks ago and it makes me feel like I could be a victim at some point. So there's that. There is also the employees talking shit about my boss that I'm supposed to support and assist, which puts me in an odd spot. He feels victimized and the other employees don't feel appreciated. It's a hot mess. I knew there were some red flags when I interviewed and heard the way the people spoke about the boss, but I needed out of the other gig so badly... I don't regret everything, I'm just feeling unsure about the future. 

In other news, BB is having existential crises now. He was utterly distraught the other night and it turned out to be about not feeling like he deserves his LEGO and books and toys. He made a huge pile of some books (including some of his faves) that he felt he didn't deserve and wanted to give away. It was a tough run, but we talked it out a bit. Apparently part of it is feeling lonely too. We ended up talking about siblings a little bit. He wishes he had someone that he could share with but still keep the shared items close... it was awkward what he described but I got the gist. But he's an only. And that's what it is. 

The hubs looked up some info about adoption but I don't think that's right for us and I feel bad adopting just to give BB a sibling. It seems wrong. I know that a huge part of what it is, but I am happy with the three of us. I don't feel an urging to adopt like I felt an urging to have BB-if that makes sense. I'm not completely opposed and if the feelings change, they change. But right now, I'm happy with us as-is.

Crazy looking car crash this morning on the way to work. A Cybertruck up a hill and a dude in cuffs, and then a hug Ram truck smooshed from the nose to the cabin like I've never seen. I don't know how it got so smooshed! There were other vehicles involved too, but I couldn't gather all the details. I am always fascinated and befuddled at crashes and what happened and trying to put it all together after the fact. The dude in cuffs really intrigued me. What the hell happened at that intersection!? 

Writer's Block Edition 1,213

 Okay, I probably haven't had writer's block 1,213 times in my life, but it feels like it today. 

I have writing group with some teacher friends on Saturday morning (which is going to be a busy day) and this might be my last chance to get something written before then unless I stay up late some day. 

The past few months I've written "Convo Exercises" where I focus mostly on dialogue and it's focused around the conflict between my parents and my sister (and to a certain extent her husband as well). It's been interesting, I certainly like writing dialogue and my sister is a fount of inspiration as usual--except for today. Just can't figure out where to go with the next convo. Who would be included? Would it remain about that conflict or branch out? 

My teacher buds had ideas that maybe I could string together several conversations into a little novelette or something and cover more than just the conflict and all the different angles. That said, I'm still frozen.

In addition, I've realized more and more just how different the realms of skill are between me and the rest of the group. The other two are much more versed in technique and better read and more complex. Their feedback is helpful and specific and backed up... I'm so dull in comparison. I haven't torn myself up about it too much, but I feel increasingly like a squeaky third wheel with my purpose being mainly social. A writing duo is different from a writing trio. With three you can call yourself a group, ya know?

In better news, I have an interview today. I'm hopeful but nervous. It's for a receptionist/personal assistant position at an accounting office. I don't have direct receptionist/personal assistant experience but feel qualified and that I would be able to meet expectations quickly. I've had to hit the ground running with teaching and this current position, learning so many systems and regulations quickly... I just have to convince the hiring team of this. 

Overall I usually have a good time at interviews, so hopefully it'll at least be a good meet up. 

My mother is coming down for BB's birthday in a couple weeks. I'm excited and plan to take his birthday day off to spend with my mom and prep for a celebration. His party is that following Saturday. Ten years old, can you believe it??? He's a cool kid. I'm so glad for him. Sure, he's got challenges and we struggle sometimes, but overall he's a joy and a quirky little entertainment and well of love.

At night when I turn off his light, I  say, "I love you."

He says, "I love you more."

I start to close the door and say, "I love you most."

He tries to counter with, "I love you most times infinity!"

"That's not how it works!"

Haha :o)

Really Almost Thanksgiving

 My folks decided to come down early and surprise me with an extra weekend of visiting time! The hubs and BB kept the secret and I was very happy. I was concerned about getting in all the activities we want to get done with only one weekend to accomplish the list. Now we have more time.

We love hosting Thanksgiving and I've been really grateful to have my folks come down the last few years and one of my sister-in-laws is going to be coming down too (same as last year). My parents really like her and how she ribs Hubster a bit-so they're excited too.

We got family photos done for Christmas cards today and I think they turned out pretty well for a rapid fire shoot. BB had some ideas of his own for poses. HA! Shocker! Not.

Work is going fine but I'm quite tired from the driving. I applied to a couple positions closer to home and had an interview on Thursday. We shall see... It wouldn't be an easy job I think but it would be WAY closer to home. A five minute commute might be worth it though.

This Christmas I won't be able to travel and I'll be home alone for a bit while the boy go up to Washington state. I think it'll be fine though. Just gotta remember to feed the cats and I'll be busy with a rowing challenge at the gym. Will be quiet though!

Hope everyone that celebrates Thanksgiving this Thursday has a wonderful holiday and if you don't-just have a wonderful day. 

Time Flies

Boy howdy. The commutes are long but the weeks fly by (the weekends even faster). 

My training is wrapping up and I should be on the phones and doing the actual job by the 16th. I haven't been applying to other places, but I still wonder if I'm doing the right thing commuting an hour each way for this much money. I haven't actually spoken to a live customer yet, but the general consensus is that this isn't a desirable job. 

I'm still exploring that mediocrity complex... maybe a simple job like this will be for me? I'm still curious and optimistic with a sprinkling of cynicism. Teaching was too much of a stretch. I was upset that I could never feel accomplished. It was draining seeing the broken system and feeling powerless to combat it. It made me feel bad for not rising to the occasion, but then I started reflecting and wondering if that's just not me.

Maybe I'm not a superhero. Maybe that's okay. I have friends that have a different energy that teach and they have a certain feist about it. I've never been a climber; someone driven to climb the ranks and reach positions of authority and power. I want to work and bring home money and make some friends and leave it at that. Maybe that's okay. 

Growing up there was always pressure and expectation to "do something" with my life. There seemed to be a path ahead of me to a career and independence. Now, I don't have that. I don't think I ever did. My schooling left much to be desired despite the appearance of achievement. More importantly, my drive to challenge myself and achieve more has always been subdued. 

Ack. I know I've probably written about this before. I guess it feels like I won't know until I try out this gig. Hopefully I'll have some resolution then.

It's kinda scary that gossip has already begun and friendships have been forged at work after only a couple months of training. I have my friends and I have my avoids. There are whispers and confiding, stories being spread. I find myself participating and then worrying. It's so hard for me not to reciprocate when someone confides in me, ya know? But I don't want to have certain things I say haunting me. I've struggled with that for years. Not being a gossip, but having socially awkward moments replaying in my head for eons. 

The management brought us into the fold with statements like, "We're a family and you don't always like your family but you shouldn't let that get in the way of work" and "Sometimes you won't like someone but you have to find a way to work with them regardless." WHAT IS GOING ON IN THIS PLACE!? It's a red flag for me, but not enough to scare me off just yet. I'm wary though.

BB's doing pretty well. He had an essay he struggled with at school and we had to work on at home. I'm not sure we hit the mark, but he got the four paragraphs he said was required and I got him to write about a page and a half single spaced. I was satisfied. We're getting fewer emails from the teachers and since the parent-teacher conferences I feel more at ease. They get him, they're just communicative and trying to find the best path forward with him. I appreciate that.

Farewell for now. For my northern hemisphere friends, enjoy this fall transition! We're having hot afternoons but cool mornings and it's been nice to feel the change in the air. Holidays are coming and I'm excited! 

Oh yeah, writing

Boy. It's been go-go-go and then crash-crash-crash. Not like bottom out, but sleep a lot and not do much type of thing. The hubs and I have been having busy weeks and then unproductive weekends. The house is messy and we are behind on laundry for sure!

In other news, we've been getting a lot of emails from BB's teachers. He has two this year in preparation for middle school type scheduling in a couple of years. So far he says he likes these teachers, but we are getting the impression from them that things aren't going so well.

This week it was about him telling another student "I hate you" and then making "distracting noises" when that student looked at him. Last week it was a meltdown after some doodles were taken away I think. Week before that we had another issue with missing work. I'm expecting a weekly (at least) email now and that's sad to me.

I appreciate communicative teachers, sure. I just wonder how they're coping with Nels because last year and year before we didn't get so many emails. Is he doing worse? Were those teachers more dismissive and just less communicative? I'm not sure. We have conferences next week, so I'll see what vibe I get and what the homeroom teacher says about it all. 

Work has been going pretty well, but the 70 minute drive there and 85 minute drive back is tough. The morning most of all. We're going to be closer in October, by about 15 minutes, when our location changes.  I'll be getting on the phones with actual customers then and trying to utilize the MASSIVE amounts of information that they have been shoving into our brains for the last several weeks. It's a tough situation because I might not use all of that knowledge regularly, but they have to try and prepare us for anything so we have some clue how to react.

One positive bit from the commute is my freeway anxiety is very low (I get anxious about getting on the freeway when I don't do it frequently) AND I've been enjoying some podcasts for the first time. I've never really listened to any and now I enjoy Here to Help, Handsome, and The Golden Girls Deep Dive podcasts. I might branch out even more once I've run out of new episodes. We shall see.

I'm tired. I have writing group next weekend and nothing written. Not even an idea! I must get something done this weekend or risk being empty handed on the 28th. Right now though, I am going to clean up my cross stitching, shower up, and hit the hay.

It's taken me forever to get around to writing here, but I think of you all! Well wishes. :o)

Work

So tired. So, so tired. 

The training is taking place about 70 minutes away and I have to leave by 5:30 am each day to ensure I'm not late so I wake up at 5:00 am to be there before the 7:00 am start time. It's supposed to wrap up September 30th and we move back to the main location a town or two more south.

You may know already, I struggle to fall asleep in a timely manner. Thursday night I was so tired I laid down at 8:00 pm to try and be asleep by 9:00 pm but that didn't happen and Friday I was nodding off and sitting with my eyes closed most of the day. I hate to be that person, but coming from so far away is tough.

There are people that travel even farther distances than I do-we were told that the position was telework after training but have been since told that it might take up to six months after certification to earn that privilege and that they actually prefer newbies to be in-office for the first year. Turns out it was a little bait-and-switch, just like the training being only 45 minutes away initially...

That said, I'm enjoying the people and being there and having something to do and bringing in some money. Haven't quite been paid yet, but it's definitely a motivator. They haven't scared me off even though I feel like I can't trust anything they say and that most of the time I'm getting different answers from different people. I guess working as a teacher has my expectations calibrated a little lower than usual. 

I don't have any other prospects at the moment, so I want to keep going. It sure does suck up the gas and time though. I am wondering if my tendency to people please is driving my desire to continue as well as the money and moderate interest in the work itself. I'm sure it's a combination. 

I've made some friends and one that seems special. We share lunch most days and have started bonding I think. Makes it easier when I have compatriots in the same boat.

Been listening to the Handsome podcast and thoroughly enjoying myself. Laughing out loud while driving does make me a little self-conscious (I wonder what others' might think). It's a little raunchy at times, but three comedians swapping bits and jabs and stories is apparently just what I need on a longish commute.

The hubs is skeptical. When they moved the training twentyish minutes north he was miffed. The commute does affect our family's schedule and puts a lot of pressure on the hubster to keep things up on the front alone. That said, when/if I get to work from home it would be a benefit. 

Just trudging along and waiting and seeing at this point... 

Identity and Working

I've been wondering about myself a lot lately and I'm a little sick of it all. I feel like so much of my life is trying to figure out who I am and what I'm going to do while I'm here and trying to answer "Why?" for so many different things. 

Lately, it's been an identity crisis of sorts. Identity is something I struggle with and have for many years-sheesh, I suppose I could say decades now. Quitting teaching means that I have relinquished a big label in my life. "Teacher" is a pretty heavy mantle and while I always felt like an imposter, it was easy to wear that identity through life. 

I tried hard and did well in school. I followed rules and took compliments with buckets of skepticism, but even while I always doubted myself it seemed like I was supposed to be on the right track to being something special. Somehow that "special" focused on a career and making money and producing something of use. 

This idea of being special was a huge part of my adolescence and fought with my heart a lot. I remember giving up art classes in about 4th grade because "You can't make money doing art" and I figured it was a pointless, selfish, and indulgent thing to pursue despite my natural talent and enjoyment.  Somehow, that didn't quite happen with writing despite a similar thought process. 

I ended up with a English degree... well, that wasn't the plan at first (because, what useful, special thing can you do with an English degree?) as I wanted to pursue science. Cue my first chemistry class and a radical realization that my high school career did NOT prepare me for the major I had in mind. So, what was I good at? English. New major-there ya go. It was heartbreaking, but a couple of years in the English department was nourishing and fun.

It didn't help me nurture a career or define a future.

This might sound denigrating, and I know it isn't true of me all the time-I have done some difficult things over the years, but I don't think I'm one for scaling mountains in the career field. I'm tenacious in certain ways, but climbing the ladder and challenging myself to excel at something I might not be naturally gifted with-it doesn't appeal to me. Hell, I haven't truly challenged myself with writing very much. I simply do what I can, when I can and leave it at that. It feels lazy. It feels shameful. 

As I look at my life, the mediocrity of what could be defined as traditional achievements is clear. I wasn't truly an exceptional student-I actually missed out on a lot of high school education because I decided to do concurrent enrollment and get my associate's degree at the same time as my high school diploma, watering down my well of knowledge significantly. I didn't attend the hardest classes and I didn't strive to learn the challenging subjects... I got a 3.98 GPA by playing it safe whether or not it was intended that way.

I ended up wandering through life as a bank teller until I met my husband and had our child. Career never happened and when I tried teaching it didn't fit. So what if I'm not the career type? Maybe I'm just a worker bee. I have to see. I have to try. I have to accept that that is acceptable and that "special" isn't my only option. 

Right now, I'm focused on the expectations the idea of "special" comes with. I think I need to abandon them. I've had mean thoughts about myself, that I'm lazy and complacent. But what if that is simply true and not an insult? What if I'm content? What if I'm easy to please? Maybe I don't have to want the world and wage great battles. The world needs it hobbits too, right? I might be capable of great things, but reading a book and baking a cake instead might be fine as well.

My husband has a 1950s streak in him, as I call it. He's a hard worker and he believes in working your ass off and climbing the ladder to where you want to be. He isn't a fairytale type, he's a real world, "It is what it is, suck it up and get to it" type. He isn't about glory and glamor. Maybe having "just a job" and not being "special" is fine-I just have to get used to that.

I can be driven and hardworking. I can succeed with certain things. I can be passionate or pragmatic. And while I'm obviously not content right now with everything, I think for the most part... I am that content, easy to please, simple person. I'm not a shark. I don't have to be. I don't think I'm a guppy necessarily, but whatever I am, it isn't exactly what I feel I was expected to be and I have to cope with that now.

So, I'm going to try something new to try and help support my family in this new job. It might not be a career or a nifty identity, but I can try to make things work and help support us. 

Well, Hello There Old Friend

Another big life transition. Another bout of insecurity. Another chance to grow. And maybe another chance to get back into blogging ;o)

I gave up teaching and said goodbye to my compatriots at the high school I taught at from 2020-2024 back in May. I made it to the end of the school year after going back to part-time partway through the last quarter. Part of me wonders if I could've held on longer staying part-time, but I'm not sure that's what I really wanted. I quit because of my mental health and even when I was part-time I struggled to be alright. 

It wasn't just the stress and angst of teaching, it was feeling like I wasn't doing right by it all. Imposter syndrome plagued me the entire time I think, but I also felt like I wasn't applying myself. Somehow I cared too much and too little all at once. It sucked at my soul.

I've stayed in touch with my closest teacher friends, but as the school year creeps near I wonder what it'll be like as that classroom and those people become less and less colorful in my mind. I'm starting a new gig soon and it's not something I'm terribly excited or proud of, but it's NOT teaching and I'm glad for that.

Will I be able to cope better with this job? Will I be able to find satisfaction in my work and feel like I contribute? Can I handle a commute longer than 7-1/2 minutes?! Ack! I don't know and I just have to try.

The whole transition away from teaching has stirred up big questions for me. Last November through March I did a bootcamp and earned a certificate in UX design. Now, I've lost momentum pursuing that field. It's competitive. It's a field where you have to stay hip to the jive, and let's face it, I'm a person that actually says "hip to the jive" and remains consistently behind the times. I'm just not sure it fits me as a person. I don't mind being something of a luddite and tech dunce. Give me a physical book any day and I will take notes for you with a pen and paper all day long. It appealed to my creative side and my helpful nature and I loved learning all about the process, but I am not convinced I can succeed there and be healthy there.

So where do I belong? I want to thrive and not feel like I'm barely surviving (a la the teaching life) and I'm wondering about my limitations and expectations. It feels like a re-evaluation is in order... of myself and what I want from this life.

It's a tall order... and possibly another post entirely.

Words for Wednesday and Breaking News

Whoa, these words look way challenging to me today! Let's see where they take us...

1.  Physical                                                 7.  Bearing

2.  Partial                                                    8.  Accomplish

3.  Performance                                          9.  Deficient

4.  Melee                                                    10.  Hullabaloo

5.  Odyssey                                                11.  Concrete  

6.  Amplify                                                12.  Cultural

The hullabaloo was becoming an odyssey. With the benefit of technology, the performance had become physical and not just oral. The FaceTime calls were racking up and a melee of off-balance facial expressions and overlapping comments were exciting but draining. The lack of body language created a deficient climate for proper conversation. The difference wasn't cultural as much as technical and it was a flurry of interactions in mere minutes of weighty exchange.

The news had broken. It was concrete. We were moving to Utah and the secrecy that had shrouded our efforts at finding employment in the foreign state amplified the drama of the reveal. There had been partial truths; honest moments between family and friends about genuine but generalized apprehensions and hopes. Now that the deed had been accomplished we were able to air the dream. Not that opinions would have any bearing on our family's mission to chase new opportunities... but it certainly helped feel like we wouldn't be completely alone 800 miles away.

Once again I am surprised by where the words end up falling. I always suspect they will be therapeutic and reach into my own world, teasing out pieces of me that need a voice. Sometimes it works out that way and other times I get shocking pieces of fiction that I never see coming.

So, yep. The news has broken. We have told my family that I accepted a position in Utah and that we'll be moving in July. Roughly two months actually... I think. Yep. Calculating dates is a form of math right? Ugh!

My parents were shocked. The hubs and I thought maybe they had had some sort of suspicions but no. My mom actually cried and I think my dad teared up too. It was so validating to know that they care and so encouraging to hear their support and excitement for us. 

My siblings had two very different reactions. My sister thought I was lying. Straight up, wouldn't believe it despite not being able to figure out what kind of joke I was supposedly pulling. She was upset when she realized how sad my nephew would be at BB moving away and we resolved to make some sleepover dates before then. 

My brother was more... stoic. "Cool. Congrats." Not really phased, but definitely surprised.

So here we are... one step at a time. I'm going to be a teacher and a Utah resident before I know it. I'm moderately terrified at the prospect. It's SO MUCH to be a teacher. Parent/teacher conferences sound like a dungeon sporting a variety of tortures. Thankfully I've got some teachers in my life and the lovely internet to help support me as well as some veteran teachers at my new school. (MY NEW SCHOOL!)

Be well :o)

"Ahh" & "Argh"

I finished my observation hours yesterday for my Master's of Arts in Teaching. Over 75 hours observing teachers in action over a month, an arrangement hastily devised on short notice due to my oddly paced schooling.

It was quite stressful for me arranging the observation hours as well as making the transition into such a busy, different schedule and maintaining that schedule/lifestyle change for the month. Lots of driving, frantic meals, messy home space, and bickering with the boys. As aware as I was that I was over-stressed and not able to effectively cope and interact with the hubs and Baby Bananaface, there was/is still some grating there.

Hubster is stressed by his commute and the challenge and effort required by a more demanding job. BB is probably stressed himself by the energy in the house and jostling between daycare and time with Grandma... he's been having some odd potty issues.

This morning, for instance, he took of his pj pants and nighttime nappy (Pull-ups) and instead of going to the toilet as he had been doing for months he grabbed some clothes out of his closet, tossed them on the floor, and pissed on them.

WHAT

THE

HELL

?

This isn't the first time either... he has been doing this "pee on the clothes" thing and even peed in his desk. With my chaos I haven't been able to focus much on it. Now that I'm wrapping up this observation project I'm shifting focus to BB.

Anyhow. You may be able to tell from these flustered words that I'm feeling a bit hair-brained. An "ahh" from finishing the observation hours, and an "argh" for the transition ahead and mothering challenges.

One thing at a time. I know this. Yet my brain keeps leaping around like some caffeine-charged parkour clown.

School. The Hubs. Baby Bananaface. CrossFit. Weight loss. Muscle gain. Better food  choices for out family. Friends. Family. Relax. Work. Treatment. Appointments. Heat. Sun. Burns. Sweat.

I know it's the right thing to take breaks, do puzzles, watch goofy TV shows and drink water... still I feel frantic. It's time for settling down. Transitioning. Trusting the calm again.

It's time to take time.

One thing at a time.



Thinking of you, Hannah :o)

Seriously.

Woke up a bit disoriented this morning. Didn't think much of it but then I noticed that my tongue was hurting. Tried to start my day and the hubster asked if I was okay and I said I didn't know, my tongue was hurting again like when I had the seizure. He said that was because I'd had another seizure last night.

Seriously.

I didn't believe him at first but then he pointed out the blood stains on my shirt and I reevaluated the pain from my tongue and shadowy memories and knew he wasn't making things up.

I'm doing all right. Tongue is still tender. I'm frustrated and it feels like whenever I feel I'm doing well or moving forward something seems to pop up and throw a wrench into things. Just seems like I can't get a break!

In related news, I managed to get a neurology appointment for later this week. Hoping they come up with some answers for me but I also wonder if it trigger subsequent appointments and tests and doo-dads. The hubbo said he can come with me and I'm really glad because I don't remember much about the actual seizures, just the painful fallout. We'll see what happens!


Off to do more ornaments this afternoon. It's been hectic what with Cyber Monday and all but I'm enjoying the flurry of activity and the challenge of the crazy specific or nearly impossible requests haha


Happy thoughts and well wishes to everyone :o) Thanks for stoppin' by!

Thanksgiving and the Weekend

This year, like years before, we traveled across the mountains to my in-laws for Thanksgiving. It felt a bit different this year since my memories of years previous are rather splotchy at the moment-almost felt like a new experience! Although I do remember the feelings of enjoyment and relaxation and safety that are so closely tied to my in-law's place, so while things felt new they also still felt familiar and comforting.

The food was great as usual and my mom-in-law made a chocolate pecan pie this year that may make it hard for me to go back to regular pecan pie! So dang scrumptious. Dark as sin, it was so chocolaty, but when ya warmed it up and ohhhh... so good. Ahem. *recomposes self* Pie swoon over. I think y'all get the picture!

Our travels went well. We avoided the major traffic and the pass was clear, didn't even hit all that much rain either. We got to hang out with one of the hubster's sisters too and it was nice to catch up a bit. They got a little feisty over politics and such but they kinda like to do that so it was nice to see the hubbo getting his debate fix.

We had to leave and head home earlier than we really wanted to but needed to make it back Friday night because Saturday I had work obligations and we also had an appointment with the shelter to take Fio in.

It was a pretty emotional afternoon, especially for the hubster. We really truly believe that he'll have a better life with a new family though. We just aren't able to be the pet parents we want to be. We were actually discussing how surprised we were that this didn't happen sooner what with all the crap we've been dealing with postpartum... but no more neglect and short stick, Fio will find a family to pamper him. *sigh* Definitely feel some shame but really think that it'll be best for everyone in the long run.

Work was busy and will continue to be extra busy with Cyber Monday coming up but I felt really good Saturday after having an especially efficient work day and working faster than I'd ever worked before. They don't call me "Super Hannah" for nothing! In addition to two "groups" of ornaments I also plowed through two mega orders.

One of the mega orders involved a crapton of names on a Christmas tree, the same ornament 12 times in a row. I don't usually get achy when I work, but that order had my hard hurting! Here's a pic:

The owner wasn't sure if she wanted it dotted or not but I hope they dot it. I think the dots make it look finished, not to mention I don't dot my 'i's when I write because I'm expecting them to dot it up for me! Here's an example of the finished ornament with the dots. I was surprised when I started working here that the writing and the dots were two endeavors but now it's just "normal."

Anyways. Time to get Baby Bananaface brekkie-I let him sleep in a bit this morning :o)

Hope everyone is having a good weekend, definitely a wet one up here in the PNW!

Ornaments & Random Facebook Quiz

Here's a picture of one of the ornaments I wrote:

The extra small stuff if challenging but one of my favorite aspects of the job! After I'm done putting the words on the next person adds dots. You can look at other ornaments at the website PersonalizedFree.com.

Here's a random quiz I did with the hubster for some giggles. He wasn't comfortable with me posting it on Facebook (like my friend that I got it from had) but he said I could post here. Guess he like y'all more than my Facebook friends ;o)

WITHOUT prompting, ask your significant other these questions and write EXACTLY what they say. The outcome can be hilarious!!!

•What is something I always say?
- *sigh* What's something you think that you always say? I don't know. My memory is bad the moment, okay?

•What makes me happy?
- Dad jokes and drawing.

•What makes me sad?
- *Depression.

•How tall am I?
- 5'7"

•What's my favorite thing to do?
- Uh, favorite thing to do... look at waterfalls.

•What do I do when you're not around?
- *chuckles* Listen to NPR.

•If I become famous, what will it be for?
- Writing.

•What makes you proud of me?
- Tenacity.

•What is my favorite food?
- Ooh... Indian.

•What is my favorite restaurant?
- Saffron.

•Where is my favorite place to visit?
- *beffuddled stare* Probably Bellingham?

•If I could go anywhere, where would it be?
- Iceland.

•How do I annoy you?
- You rub your feet in the bed.

•What is my favorite movie?
- "You've Got Mail"

•You get a phone call that I am in trouble, who am I with?
- Your mother.

Gonna work on "Words for Wednesday" tomorrow and hopefully have something to post then. Happy Hump Day everyone!

What to post, what to post?

I have been staying the course, plugging away day by day. I think I've been doing pretty well even though I've still had ye olde panic attacks and anxiety throughout, it's been a little less severe. Life has still been challenging but I'm proud of making some positive progress and also grateful for the bit of relief!

The shock of the election is starting to settle but it can still be quite emotional and I don't like seeing people so upset. I really hope things turn out better than expected and settle down as opposed to 4 years of emotional turmoil and stress but we shall see. Scrolling Biden/Obama memes certainly helped today, thank you friend!

In other news, the hubster's holiday gig was off and now seems to be back on (?) It's a bit confusing and all "wait and see" but I think tomorrow we're actually going to try out the extra shift and see how things work. I'm less intimidated by the change in routine than I am concerned about the hubbo's well being. He's been pretty crotchety lately and I've been worried about his mood. We did manage to get to a gym class together this weekend and I think that perked him up a little even if he was sore and dripping sweat!

I don't know. I'll just have to stay aware and try to support him as much as I can without beating myself up about my level of ability in that regard at the moment. I can't throw myself under the bus and end up relapsing and causing even more problems for us all. Sometimes it feels like I'm balancing on one leg while juggling as I try to push myself and build resilience but also maintain stability and wellness, but that's just where things are at the moment!

Been enjoying the holiday ornament work and even though the owner can be stressful I'm aware that she's a worrier and know that she can be triggering so I can usually skirt disaster and keep my mood stable even when she's stressin'. I really do enjoy the routine of working through the ornaments and the challenge of fitting the words into tiny spaces-so glad I happened to find this gig all those years ago!

So there's a little update :o) Gonna try and do "Words for Wednesday" this week too but we'll see what my brain churns out. Haven't been posting as much as I'd like to lately but I've been trying to keep up with reading and commenting. Doin' what I can and that's all right! *inner hugs*

I Said "No!"

Today I left work at ye olde ornaments gig before I hit the wall and got too uncomfortable or distressed. It definitely felt odd and I was pressured to stay and do more work or take work home with but I made my decision and stuck to it!

It's put me in a weird mood, a mixture of pride and "stickin it to the man" with guilt and anxiety. The hubbo says being pregnant has made me stronger (and sassier) and he likes seeing me stick up for myself.

Even though I left "early" I still spent quite a bit of my afternoon glued to a heating pad and reclining. My lower back and round ligaments have been achy and I haven't been sleeping as much as I would like. I'm hoping to stick with my self-care goals and prevent further fatigue and physical/mental breakdowns by cutting back on my ornament time and trying to be more active. I may not be going for hour-long walks or rigorous hikes any time soon, but a bit of time outdoors certainly helps my mood and resilience.

Considering I've had several breakdowns/episodes/backslides already related to ornaments and the extra stress or overworking, I think it's time I put my foot down and set some more serious limits. There's really only 2 weeks left or ornament season, but I figure late is better than never and I feel like it's a worthwhile endeavor.

In other news, my gestational diabetes screen came back negative (WOO HOO!) but my iron is low and I have to take more supplements (BOO!). It was a bit upsetting, one more straw on this camel's back ya know, but I think once I establish a routine with my meals and supplements I'll be able to move on and not be so overwhelmed.

There are so many things to worry about and do during pregnancy the constant suggestions and "it's also a good idea to do this" tips are just too much. Maybe it's because I'm so guilt-ridden and perfectionist that I try to do everything a person in authority suggests when it simply isn't realistic? I definitely feel more confident and better about myself when I simply write off some of the advice.

"That ain't gonna happen" or "I think not." A flash of shame and inferiority complex usually complicates my attempts at easing up on myself but I think letting go of perfection and that endless list of recommendations is the only way to maintain sanity!

So I may not be perfect, I may not "do it all," but I'll be good enough and that's good enough for me.

Especially if it keeps the full blown episodes and panic attacks at bay!  ;)

Bump shot below-we went for a hike at the Big Four Ice Caves. No, that ain't Violet Beauregarde turning into a blueberry, it's me!

Sometimes Isolation Serves a Purpose/PG Update

When I was working in banks, part of the robbery training was to isolate the victim following the crime. This was to avoid cross contaminating stories or influence as far as I understand it. I was reminded of this training earlier today when leaving ornaments work.

I've always been a youngin' in the ornaments room with most of the other ladies being 30-something mothers and older. Unfortunately, instead of becoming a role model/nurturing relationship during my pregnancy this atmosphere has become a negativity minefield. I've ended up trying to avoid talking about my pregnancy (which is kinda difficult with my rather obvious bump and need for extra breaks) just to prevent the onslaught of sarcasm, war stories, and negativity.

This afternoon I couldn't avoid it. I got trapped by a question about my sleep. My first impulse is always to tell the truth so I replied that I wasn't sleeping well. Cue the deluge. Not only were there war stories of pregnancy sleep but the obvious sarcasm about "you'll never sleep again" and "you've never known tired until you've had a newborn" which I understand is a reality but I'm sick of the negativity. It's a wonder anyone reproduces anymore with how horrible motherhood and childbirth is portrayed (on the flipside there is the overly rosy, positive portrayal of fulfillment and joy that leads people to feel guilty for negative feelings or hard times-basically, it's all out of wack).

So, back to isolation. I've been struggling with loneliness (not out of the usual for me) but find myself treasuring isolation when it protects me from such negativity (a huge reason behind not doing childbirth education classes). It's a double-edged sword. In order to protect my experience, my "story," I feel the need to isolate but that defensive tactic leaves me lonely. Add to this social safari the fact that I am often shamed or belittled when I'm honest about my pregnancy experience so far ("it's only going to get worse" or "that's nothing...." or "be careful what you wish for!") and I'm often left with the conclusion that not talking is better than talking.

Thankfully there is one lady at work (also pregnant) that I'm able to commiserate with but also share positive hopes and views on motherhood, but I would like more positive ladies around me. One gal that I see intermittently and don't really see outside of work doesn't quite fulfill my need for positive pregnancy interaction!

SIGH. Nothing worth doing is ever easy, eh?

I supposed this would be as good a time as any to give a pregnancy update :)

I'm 7 months now and feeling the baby weight. Only 13 lbs gained so far but my pelvic floor is sure feeling that engorged uterus every time I stand or roll over in bed. The pressure is building and I'm still riding the good ole donut pillow nursing my 'roid, Arnold, and peeing more often than I would like.

I suppose stretch marks are a notable change but with my history of weight fluctuation I don't particularly notice or care about stretch marks (old news!), more noticeable is my ever-shallower belly button. That fascinates me. Can't wait to see how it looks when labor starts.

My face has been interesting.... I'm enjoying some marvelously clear skin except for the odd pimple or two but dry skin has made me run for the moisturizer like never before (lest I look like a leper). I'm letting my hair grow and it's nearly to my shoulders now. The long hairs straying on counters and clogging my brushes isn't pleasant but the hubbo likes the new look and I'm enjoying the feminine feel. Quite a change from my pixie cut!

I've been really enjoying baby's movements and the hubster continues to be amazed every time he feels baby with his own hands. There are times when it feels like my bladder is getting assaulted but so far it hasn't been that uncomfortable. I'm sure further along that will change ;)

The heartburn still sucks. I have to be very careful when consuming sweets (especially chocolate) and consuming more than a small portion leads to the worst chest-wrenching heartburn of my life. Other discomforts include the pelvic pain (pubic bone, hip joints) and back pain (low back and lately between the shoulders and, of course, my perennial shoulder agony). I'm not sure if the back pain is a combo of ornaments work and bigger boobs or one alone, but either way the massages sure are a blessing as is my heating pad.... and the miracle salve BENGAY.

Emotionally I've been dealing with more rough waters of late. Anxiety has perked up and being the over-thinking, contemplative type that I am thinking about pregnancy and my experience and others' experiences and weighed heavily on my mind. Trying to be gentle with myself and acknowledge my struggles and pains without feeling shame or guilt or "whiney" and also staying positive overall. The hubby has been a good listener and tells me that he appreciates it when I finally come clean and lay out all the dirty details of how I'm really doing. He's come to have a new appreciation of pregnancy and what I'm going through, that's for sure!

I've noticed that when I'm tired or achy my perspective is much different; I feel overwhelmed and unprepared for labor and motherhood. But when I'm energetic and relaxed I feel confident and blessed. It's quite the roller coaster! I feel stressed by the lack of confidence during the down spells but most disheartening is imagining the little baby in my gut as I have these "what have I gotten myself into?" thoughts. I know I'm not alone in this though. I know it's natural. I just feel so bad about myself and sad for baby-but no matter how stressed I get I always feel love and attachment to my baby, so I don't get too upset.

I'm hoping to increase my positive thoughts and confidence after ornament season is over when I have more time for self care and can better manage the input I receive about pregnancy/birth/motherhood. When I'm in good spirits I'm really confident and excited about labor and motherhood, so I think my last couple months will be focused on nurturing those good feelings and getting closer to the hubster and preparing our little two-person birth team.

In other news, the hubbo and I got a new mattress for our mutual Christmas gift this year. Who would've thought replacing a 17 year old mattress would make such a difference!? It's awesome! Still dealing with pregnancy sleep but I can feel a difference despite the short term pains I'm going through.

Whew. Got eye strain? ;)

Aches, Pains, Progress

As I mentioned before, ornament season has arrived and I've been personalizing about 4-5 days a week. That's a lot less than usual for me and a lot fewer hours (I stay about 5 hours instead of all day) but my body has been complaining.

I'm not sure how things will shake down after Thanksgiving when orders really pick up. I'm physically incapable of doing the workload that I have in past years and it stresses me out thinking about "slacking off." In reality, I ain't slacking one bit-I'm just baking a baby!

Not only have my shoulders been aching, my pubic bone barking, and my back sore I've felt my jaw grinding kick it up a notch. My baseline anxiety has been increasing and while the midwives said that is totally normal for this stage of pregnancy it makes alarm bells go off in my head-I don't wanna devolve into "Unhealthy Hannah" again just in time for the birth.

***On this note, I did have a panic attack last weekend but it was precipitated by a specific event and dealt with pretty efficiently. I'm a little more wary now but not quite freaking out that I'm losing my cool entirely. Overall my mood has been pretty stable and good. Was pretty dehydrated afterward but the aches and days-long hangover wasn't as bad as usual, I bounced back pretty quick!***

Thankfully, the hubbo and I are a pretty good team with an established coping strategy. Talking about "issues" is nothing new to us (even though some of these troublesome pregnancy symptoms are) and being able to share what I'm struggling with has helped. More than that the hubster helps pick up the slack around the house when I'm flagging and reminds/encourages me to treat symptoms. He's helped make sure I'm taking baths, using ye olde donut pillow, heating pad, Bengay, and massage therapy and somehow he still has the gogetum to ask me "what's bothering you?" when I'm fidgety.

While I'm not feeling stellar, it certainly helps to feel like I'm fighting back to some degree-though some days I'm totally walloped and end up doing oodles of couch and heating pad time! Which probably explains why I was able to complete my stocking project so quickly....

I was so happy to finally find this kit after dead-ending at oodles of online shops where it was listed as in stock but actually not. I got my share of "We're sorry, this kit is out of print" emails but when it popped up as in stock on Amazon I pounced and got my dream stocking! Barely a month later I had the thing stitched!

Now it's back to working on baby's stocking, which is much more difficult. Smaller aida grid and way more color variance but it'll be worth it when it comes together.

In other news, Fio finally got groomed and Iroh has become quite the couch czar. If he isn't sitting on the right side when you approach he'll come up and try to take the spot by force after you sit down! I think it's warm for him or something... Millie has been bogarting my body pillow and still loves the foam mat in the bathroom. Such a classy broad.

6 1/2 months down and I'm feeling the baby weight! I've only put on about 10 lbs overall but must be in all the right places because my pelvis is feeling it!

An Achievement

Yesterday involved feeling bad. Feeling pretty bad.

Finances.

I hate finances. I don't even know if I would like them if we had no debt and enough money!

Even though we were hashing through some uncomfortable, sad stuff reviewing the state our financial state and even though I got pretty low and felt pretty bad, I didn't sink as low as I would've a few months ago.

Okay, I felt pretty ashamed and disgusted with our debt load and slashing my wrists did cross my mind once, but only once and only very briefly. I shooed the darkness out my mind's door and went on wallowing in a more healthy fashion :)

And so I am deeming last night an achievement. No, I couldn't get through a financial conversation without freaking out, but I did get through a financial conversation without the need for medication and without crying my face off and slumping into a suicidal, sobbing heap! I will take what I can get and hope that next time is just a little better and so on, and so forth.

In other news, ornament personalizing is slowing down and preparations for holiday travel are gearing up. This year we are taking both cats and dog down to my parents'. Yes, I will try to take pictures of the madness as we all cram into the Fiesta!

Still anxious and tense, but feeling like I still have some firm ground and footing to navigate my way out of the "scary." I think I can, I think I can.....