Med Switch

My medication downshift has been going well so far. My sleep isn't too disrupted by reducing my Seroquel, although we do think that it may be contributing to some nausea. The pills are tiny, so my psych said to stagger until I'm off instead of a usual halving taper. I think it's causing some discomfort, but it's getting better. 

The lowering of my Vraylar seems to have been inconsequential really. I'm feeling a little boost in interest, not as passive when it comes to self-improvement and positive growth, but I can't be sure it's related. 

Psychiatric drugs are so tricky! 

My anxiety hasn't been out of control, but I'm dwelling on work stress a bit too much. Especially around bedtime. I spend a lot of semi-conscious time rehashing and predicting and it sucks. I'm not sure that this is a forever home, unfortunately. My boss is gone this week and it feels like such a relief. There's still drama to be had, but not as much. He's also a bit disgusting so it's nice not to feel so dirty. 

My writing group was moved from April to early May and now to late May. I started something, but don't want to continue with it so I need a new topic. A lot of people have been saying my workplace is a rich source of writing fodder, so maybe character profiles? I don't know. I'd also like to do some screenwriting again. 

I've ordered some books on minimalism, cleaning and organizing with ADHD (between Hubs and BB and me not being a Susie Homemaker it's kinda wild in here), as well as something about Hygge??? Swedish comfort living or something? It had great reviews and intrigued me. So that's my newest improvement mission about to take off. 

The Hubs and I are touring a private school for BB's middle schooling and high schooling. It's a religious school so I'm a little apprehensive, but the academic rigor looks awesome and they offer more than a pubic school in ways of concurrent enrollment. I'm not sure exactly what will work best for BB, but he needs a challenge and he might be motivated to graduate early or with college credits and I want to accommodate. Of course, if he dials it down that's fine too. But I want options.

Off to work! It's Wednesday, so they wear pink. Well, I guess "we" wear pink. I chose my pink jungle dress with jaguars on it and flowers. You can only imagine, right? Haha It's dress season just about here! I'm glad, but gotta be careful about long dresses catching under my office chair...

TTFN. Hugs. Hope. Happiness be upon you!

Allergies. Good Grief.

I've never had allergies like this. So much sneezing. I don't typically have spring allergies and I'm a little suspicious of some new perfume I got (but I really don't want that to be the case!). The Hubs has been sneezing and dripping a lot too.

An example of work drama for you...

This past Friday my boss was looking forward in the schedule and noticed that he had appointment scheduled around the first two weeks in July. Well, he's going to be overseas. His vacay hadn't been put on the communal calendar and appointments had been made. I immediately offered to reschedule everything and he put the vacation on the calendar. 

That wasn't it though. He swore that he had known about the trip since December/January and put it on the calendar a long time ago. Then he started talking about the last receptionist and issues there and postulated that the old receptionist deleted the vacation on purpose. 

I rescheduled most of the appointments and left messages for others to call back Monday to reschedule. Then another employee catches me and says she wants to strangle the boss because he planned a vacation at the end of a quarter and didn't bother to tell anyone. Another employee practically cackled when she perused the calendar and found out I had to reschedule people (an employee he happened to mentioned was working closely with the previous receptionist). 

The bad part for me is being between. The boss straight up said he needs someone "on his side" and "faithful to me" and I'm his assistant. But I'm also seeing unhealthy tendencies and desperate to stay neutral and maintain relationships with the other faction (the rest of the office) that is "against" the boss. 

So that's a taste. I'll try to paint pictures of this workplace for y'all. I have some buddies that are quite intrigued by the drama already!

Got my first pedicure in a LONG time today and felt like a slob. But I got it done despite the furry pants (thank you cats) and the semi-shaved legs and slightly hairy toes. Oh well! I like the salon and scheduled out for May near Mother's Day. I'll get another right before the cruise I think and try to keep up at least through the summer and sandal season. It was good self-care and BB did a great job waiting and entertaining himself with a comic book and LEGO axolotl. 

Anyways. Not a vital update I suppose, but I wanted to type!

In other news and probably another post itself, I'm tweaking some medication to try and bring a little more versatility to my emotional plane. I've been a little flat and maybe overmedicated, but we'll see. Gotta be careful. 

Reflection

I've been concentrating a lot on focusing my attention on the now and participating fully in the moment to help maintain my mood and well-being through the tumultuous holiday rush, but as New Year's nears I find myself looking back...

It's been quite a year. 2016 wasn't an easy one, that's for sure!

**I've plugged in some random photo highlights that may or may not correlate to my text, but I hope you enjoy them!

Thinking back to last January, I was in the hospital. According to my blog I went to my aunt's memorial, but I can't remember because of all the ECT treatments. For a good chunk of time I was doing so much ECT that I wasn't allowed to drive.

For a big part of the year I wasn't able to be alone with Baby Bananaface. It was too overwhelming or didn't feel safe.

For a while the hubster confiscated my tweezers because I was having a hard time controlling my urges to self harm.

In the spring I tried to kill myself.

Another chunk of my year was dedicated to TMS treatments multiple times a week. Throughout it all I've been on and off more drugs than I can name trying to find a mood stabilizer that'll work for me. To top it off I had those seizures and got diagnosed with a seizure disorder and got a prescription goin' for that...

There's been a lot between those headliners, including countless tears and hugs and kisses and fears shared between me and the hubster. Nights and days where I didn't feel safe. When I wasn't sure if I'd make it to the next day. When I didn't believe that I could ever find happiness or stability again.

Thankfully, things are changing. I have come far enough now that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have hope again. I'm still working on the confidence part but my faith is certainly growing and despite the hiccups along the way I haven't given up.

So much has changed... I've come so far this year.

I'm driving again-even taking BB to and from daycare. I'm making meals and able to safely use my tweezers. I'm socializing and going to the gym nearly everyday. I'm even thinking about finding part-time work soon.

I've felt like a failure. I've felt broken. I've felt hopeless. More and more I'm feeling hopeful. I'm feeling strong. I'm feeling proud. I am surviving.

I'm glad to put this year behind me and I hope to have more positive memories to stir up this time next year :o)

Don't really remember doing resolutions much but I think I will be concentrating on keeping up with maintaining my health and moving forward.

I wish everyone a wonderful 2017 and thank you all for sharing 2016 with me.

Lastly, let's hear a big cheer for baby steps! Hoorah!

"It's Official" & Some Baby Bananaface Pics

Whew. Had to stay up late and get up early so I was sleep deprived enough for my EEG test this morning and it's made things a bit more challenging today, that's for sure! Somehow I'm still awake and I wanted to blog since I'll be on the road and busy with a family gift exchange tomorrow...

Anywho. This morning I did the MRI and EEG before meeting with my neurologist. He reviewed the results and said that my MRI was normal-even saying that my hippocampi are in great shape considering my chronic mental health conditions. So that was good!

Unfortunately, my EEG was not so normal. He says it's official that I have a right temporal lobe originating seizure disorder (or something like that, my hearing isn't the best and it was a lot of words strung together!).

The good news is that it isn't anything super rare and it's usually easily controlled by meds and won't necessarily disrupt my life. The medication he prescribed happens to also function as a mood stabilizer (I tried it out earlier this year or last year, I can't remember-it didn't work then but my psychiatrist thinks we have a shot at it working better this time since I'm not in such a deep depressive hole) and we're sure hoping that it kills two birds with one stone!

So that's the news! It's a bit of shock but with everything I've been through lately it doesn't seem to rattle me as much as I thought it might... I guess being aware of how much danger I was in when my depression was much worse makes something like these seizures and a new disorder seem a little less threatening or scary?

In other, more jolly news, I've been listening to Baby Bananaface a little more intently lately and observing what words he seems to have. I'm happy to report instances of garbled "Thank you" and "Please," even "Love you!" He's pretty good at "Buh-bye" and "Momma," too. :o) He got a new haircut and looks so much older and listening to his "talking" is such a sweet thing... I so look forward to meeting the man he's gonna be and watching him grow up <3

I Been Busy!

Boy howdy. It's been a busy few days!

Saturday the hubby and I got an extended date day when my mom surprised us and said that she wasn't planning on staying for lunch, just grabbing Baby Bananaface and heading out (she was taking him for an overnight babysitting session so the hubs and I could go to a game group party). So the hubster and I took the opportunity to dine in the bar section and the hubs even had a fufu mojito!

That was just the beginning of our date day-some shopping, a murder mystery party, and a movie at the theater followed! The movie was a pretty big deal considering I hadn't been to the cinema in over 6 months for fear of triggering my anxiety or panic. I definitely experienced some stress but I was able to ride the waves, use my skills, and make it through the movie without succumbing to the anxiety or a panic attack-I'd even say that I had a good time ;o)



Sunday I juggled ornaments and the gym before my sister arrived with BB (worked out really well that we could drop him off halfway to my parents' Saturday and then my sister could bring him back to us on Sunday since she and I had plans). She and I proceeded to have a girls' night out with a trip to a local nursery/shop for their Christmas extravaganza (I enjoyed some free decaf and Christmas cookie treats).

We then proceeded to have a fun dinner out before nabbing some lattes on our way downtown to the theater where we got to see a live production of "The Little Mermaid!" We were both a little worried about how they would handle one of our favorite movies ever but the production was nicely executed and we weren't disappointed. We both got the crap scared outta us by some confetti cannons but it was fun overall!

I think my favorite part of the night was listening to music while we drove to Seattle and back; singing at the top of lungs together. My sister and I aren't always on the same wavelength and sometimes it feels like we don't know each other very well, but last night we had a great time together and I'm so grateful for the experience.

Today I had to just keep rollin' as I had two appointments downtown and still have one to go (thankfully not as far a drive but still outta my way). 

My endocrinology appointment went super fast as did my blood draw. Good news! If this thyroid level is good like my last test I can switch to following up with my primary care provider instead of seeing a specialist-and that means just driving or walking across the street instead of driving 45 minutes into downtown *woot*

My psychiatry appointment went well too. We talked about all the progress I've made and how I'm handling the challenges that remain and agreed that waiting and seeing how the Lamictal treats me this time is the best idea for now. I had tried the Lamictal months ago for purely mood stabilizing purposes but now I've been prescribed the drug for anti-seizure purposes. My psychiatrist thinks it might work better this time around as a mood stabilizer since my mood is much better now to start with than it was. As she put it, "you were in a hole, a BIG hole." I sure hope she's right and I can get a 2-for-1 with this med! 

Whew. So that's a bit of what's going on here. Trying not to think too far ahead but still working toward my goals, one step at a time :o)

Happy Monday! 

Quick Update

Saw the neurologist today. He was nice. Scheduled an EEG and MRI. Got a prescription for some anti-seizure meds which also happen to be mood stabilizers. I messaged with my psychiatrist and she said go right ahead. This particular script didn't work for me before but it's been so long, who knows, maybe it'll work better this time around?

Lots of feelings today. I kept at it and stuck to my schedule but it was definitely discouraging for me contemplating having a seizure disorder on top of the things I'm already juggling. The hubs is trying to look at the bright side and made sure to point out that dealing with seizures is better than dealing with suicidal depression. Poor guy. I can't imagine seeing him in a similar scenario, it'd be so distressing to me, but he keeps up the good fight no matter what comes up.

In other news, we're headed out on another weekend road trip. Hopefully I can relax and enjoy, that's certainly my aim.

Holiday cards are going out :o) I had fun with all the addressing and stuffing and sticking. Maybe I was a secretary in a previous life? ;o)

Good Friggin' Grief!

So a couple of weeks ago we had a nighttime incident where I apparently wandered out of bed to the kitchen and proceeded to have either a severe panic attack or some sort of seizure. It didn't happen again and we kinda forgot about it-until last night.

Last night I had a more apparent seizure though I have no memory of this. I do have a tore up tongue that is pretty uncomfortable and bloodstains all over my PJ shirt. Luckily the hubster heard my weird noises and caught on to what was up and helped me through it and today we had an appointment with my psychiatrist and brought it up with her.

So, we're stopping the Saphris since a rare and severe side effect is apparently seizures and my doc is contacting some folks to find a neurologist for me to see and get checked out by.

At the appointment I think I said, "You've got to be kidding me?" a few times. I'm baffled and almost entertained in a way by having yet another detour on the path to medication stability when I've had such a rough road to begin with! Yet another medication that doesn't suit me? Seriously? Ugh!

So change is in the air yet again. What we will do, I have no clue but seeing a neurologist will be a new life experience.

For now I'm trying not to think about it all too much. There's not much I can do about it all right now and I sure as hell don't need more stress and worry in the meantime.

Also today, the hubster and I had a bit of date-day with a trip to a jeweler to get my wedding ring resized and then eating lunch out. We indulged and enjoyed and even though the news from the psychiatrist is a bit frustrating, overall it was a nice excursion.

I'll be trying to take things one a time and maintain the best mood I can while we figure out this newest twist-baby steps don't fail me now!



Oh! Here's a picture of my tongue owie, not the prettiest shot by any means but gives ya some idea of what I did to my tongue last night:

Unfortunately no cute date-day selfies or anything :o( I haven't been in a photo-oriented head space lately so not a lot of pics of late... Maybe soon I will start remembering to take photos again!

Keepin' On

This week so far seems to be going well enough-although being "all right" feels strange to me!

I'm not in crisis and I'm not quite good. Though I definitely experience a lot of discomfort throughout my days it's not quite as much as it was and I even have noticeable moments of feeling "Hey, this is pretty good!" One example was just this morning when I was enjoying the brisk but sunny start to the day and admiring the clouds, blue sky, and this spider crafting their web:

I could've stayed and watched him/her at work for hours---oh! throw in some coffee and I would've been over the moon! but I had a schedule to keep and I went to the gym and threw myself into my workout there and enjoyed chatting with some of the ladies that happen to frequent quite a few of the classes I regularly attend.


Therapy this week went all right. I'm still feeling ill at ease and dissatisfied but I have not been able to work up to collecting my thoughts and feelings to bring it up with my therapist. I've been dealing with feeling pressured to achieve wellness and appear better and sometimes feel like I'm spending my time listening to her personal stories rather than utilizing time for my own therapy and she's made a few comments that make me feel she is anti-medication which is part of my recovery* and having her come across that way is giving me bad feelings. It's all grown into a sort of mental block against this therapist and I find myself feeling grouchy and resistant when it comes time for my weekly appointments! Not good...

Besides that whole gnarled mess there was an interesting coincidence this week in session when she brought up the fact that I might have PTSD. I had listened to a story on "The Moth" just a couple days before and been moved to tears as I truly related to this man's tale of PTSD and wondered to myself, "maybe I have some of that going on too?"   (Note: the hubster thinks it's just Generalized Anxiety Disorder and that's it, for the record)

The man was a combat veteran with 3 tours to the Middle East and when he spoke about the moment he realized that checking people for weapons and anticipating attacks around even corner wasn't normal I thought about my own fearful moments opening the door to my home and thinking that there might be someone inside waiting to attack me, or standing in front of my front door and fretting that bullets might shoot through it at any moment, or feeling vulnerable and scared in public, outside my condo, and even inside my own home... but relating so much to his examples and hearing him say that he made it to a place where he could recognize that being so afraid wasn't normal and he could relax with his wife and sip coffee in bed and just be-that gave me hope. That made me feel like I could get there too someday and I was so grateful for that.

That said, it sure sucks to be me right now in the midst of our family evening routines trying to surf my fear and anxiety and discomfort without getting too wound up or thinking about the future. I'm trying to stay in the now, trying to use my skills, trying to soothe and calm myself.

While I think many of my skills are helping, I also feel a heavy sadness to be dealing with these issues yet again. I feel a sadness for myself and the weight I carry. I feel a sadness as I yearn for a more comfortable and enjoyable "normal," but I'm just not there yet. Things are getting better though.

Things are getting better though.

Tomorrow is DBT class night which usually helps lifts my spirits. Thursday I have my regular TMS treatment and an office visit (check in with a doctor about every 2 weeks to make adjustments and check-in). That night we pack up and head east to see the hubby's family and celebrate his father's 75th birthday.

I'm excited to see my in-laws, especially my loving mother-in-law, but I'm nervous to see his siblings and be out of my routine and comfort (or semi-comfortable) zone of familiar gym classes and surroundings... I think I will manage, I think I'll do fine, and I'm planning on going for jogs and walks to keep myself energized-I'm just scared.

Oh the fear, so much fear.

Things are getting better though.

I will keep on keepin' on and keep y'all posted as much as I can  :o)



*Speaking of meds, I've been on Saphris for a week now and while I had some severe fears and anxiety the first few days I'm having a much easier time taking my med at night and I think it might be helping my sleep a bit. I'm still having wakings and panic attacks in the middle of the night-some that are quite difficult to get back to sleep after-but I think it happens less and I sleep deeper and without as many dreams/nightmares which I appreciate. It's a "wait and see" type of thing, so we'll see how things go!

A Busy Day

Today I had appointments for TMS and meeting with my psychiatrist, the first of which was at 8:00 AM! Lemme tell you, driving into Seattle for an 8:00 AM appointment is something special, but I made it right on time and had a good treatment session.

I had some time to kill between appointments and enjoyed myself at a local mall even though I accidentally consumed a caffeinated coffee beverage (sometimes I just forget to mention the decaf part when I order!) and set myself up for some exaggerated anxiety in the afternoon. I was a little late to my psychiatrist appointment because I didn't leave soon enough to compensate for traffic but overall the appointment went well and I enjoyed seeing my doctor.

We've decided to give another new mood stabilizer a try although it all depends on my insurance giving approval. I'm a little nervous and afraid of experiencing the jittery symptoms again since this is another atypical and I've tended to have that reaction in the past but I'm willing to try and see and hope for the best.

I've been having challenging days but not terrible days and I'm grateful for the little perks and positive moments throughout. The anxiety has definitely been plaguing me but the DBT skills certainly help and I've been trying to keep busy and keep fighting back.

*sigh*

Feeling fearful anticipating the new medication and potential reactions and considering how I haven't been feeling super great and already wore down by anxiety but I'm also aware that I've been feeling a bit better and am holding on to at least a little bit of hope that I'll find a medication that helps me in some way... all I can do is keep slugging along taking things one day at a time! So many people tell me things will get better and I have a hard time believing it but I believe it enough to keep juggling all these treatments and therapies and coping skills and yadda yadda yadda! Ugh! I want to be confident in my wellbeing!



Also, I heard that Gene Wilder passed. I was sad to hear this but hope he's at peace. The remembrances on the radio have brought bittersweet tears to my eyes multiple times. He was a good soul in my book.

It Ain't Easy

Been chugging along lately doing my best and accepting that things aren't always easy or pretty. Sometimes I just have to do what I have to do to get by and that meant an ECT appointment on Thursday and means another this Wednesday as well (potentially Friday too if I'm still feeling shaky). That's more ECT than we were planning on but if it helps us avoid a major spiral, boy-howdy, we gonna do it!

We have also switched up things on the medication front by discontinuing an anti-anxiety pill (it was primarily a blood pressure medication and while I didn't get any anti-anxiety benefits I was getting a lot of dizzy spells during my exercise classes that I didn't appreciate!) and starting another mood stabilizer. I've had such little luck with these meds that my hopes aren't up very high but I do hold out some hope that I'll see some type of benefit. At least I haven't seen any hives this time (yet!).

I've been staying active with my gym classes and walk/jogging at the park down the street and I've definitely seen my mood improve and my stress decrease with the increase in activity level. I've also been reaching out to friends and trying to be more social, which can be stressful for me but also benefits me in many ways. I've even begun a new volunteer gig with the blood bank! I have to take it slow and be aware of my stress levels and anxiety but the increased activity tends to keep me outta the darker spaces in my mind and I think is the right way to go for me :o)

In other news, my uncle isn't doing so hot. Like, he could go any minute type of thing. Apparently he has three types of cancer and some other health issues that make treatment impossible and it's complicated and not pretty.

This is my mom's brother and I think I mentioned on here that her sister, my favorite and bestest aunt, died this past January while I was hospitalized the 2nd time-so having her brother pass in the same year... I mean, come on. She's having a tough time. I don't know what more to say about it other than I'm hoping that he is comfortable and that his son gets to see him before he passes, he hasn't been doing so great for years so it's not shocking or that unexpected, but definitely still sad and a shift for our family.

Oh, speaking of, my sister had her gallbladder out. That was unexpected but not necessarily shocking because she's had wonky health issues and if anyone was gonna have their gallbladder out at 23 it would be my sister...

Anyways. My thoughts have been doing some racing and I've had some dark moments but thankfully my DBT skills have been helping a lot. Sort of odd, there was a local shooting and one of the victims was a babysitter that the hubs and I used during my first hospitalization... hearing that on the news definitely stirred up some feelings! So scary having something like that hit so close to home. Ugh.

This post is all over the place but so be it. Life is happening and it ain't neat and pretty or easy, it just is!

Sorry if I haven't been keeping up with your posts lately. I haven't been on the computer much at all but I've been thinking about it and wondering about everyone! Thanks for reading :o)

Appointments-Check. Anxiety-Check.

Had ECT Wednesday and a visit with my psychiatrist Thursday so the hubs and I were busy zooming back and forth to Seattle this past week.

ECT went well, I actually felt a mood lift after this time (instead of feeling down like last time) and my mother and I had a good visit. She even stayed for dinner and to see Baby Bananaface despite facing traffic on her way home for it!

The psychiatrist appointment went pretty well but I'm definitely frustrated with the medication situation. We've determined that my anti-anxiety pills aren't really helping so we're weaning off this one and going to try something new. Apparently the new pills are something used for PTSD but it might help me with my nearly all-day anxiety. We're holding off on trying another mood stabilizer for now but I've been having some angry outbursts that the hubster thinks may be symptoms so we might be trying another new pill soon.

I still use Ativan as needed but I've been able to get back to only needing it every few days-there was a week there where I was nearly everyday and that was disappointing for me... I don't like to use the benzos very frequently and I don't like to feel dependent. Thankfully DBT has given me some good skills for coping through some pretty tough anxiety but still sometimes I get wore out and just need some help.

Anyways. Anxiety has sucked lately. Other day I had 5 panic attacks! They're pretty short but still unpleasant and discouraging and 5 in one day certainly made me feel fragile. I even had one during a hike yesterday, I couldn't believe it! It's been really frustrating but I'm doing pretty well considering all the anxiety I deal with-the gym really helps too, even when I can't completely relax and lose myself in a workout I still get a mood lift and some comfort from the exercise.

In other news, I completed a craft project that the hubby got me off Amazon a few weeks back!

I've decided to give it to my childhood neighbors/family friends. They feed the hummingbirds too and have been supportive and comforting to me for many years, a little surprise prize is well deserved!

I really appreciated having the cross stitch project for distraction purposes. For whatever reason coloring just doesn't do it for me, but stitching helps me reach a happy place. I shall have to continue crafting. And puzzles.... puzzles are good.

In other news, the hubster and I got a new game-Upwords. We really like it but it can be challenging! Much more compact than Scrabble so it works out nicely as a game we leave on the dining table to play whenever we feel like it (we also keep Yahtzee! out and keep cards handy).

Sigh. I guess I can't not mention it... I had a mood dip this afternoon and things got dark. The hubs made an offhand comment that triggered my insecurities and I ended up feeling really low and even had some self-harming urges. Well, I have those thoughts pretty regularly but these were more urges-basically things got darker than they have in quite a while and it was pretty upsetting. We were able to recover and get the afternoon back on track but it was sad to see myself like that after doing so well for so long. Have to remember to be gentle with myself and not to judge. Bumps in the road happen but I can keep moving onwards and upwards in a positive direction, no need for a major negative detour!

So, there's the news from Bananafaceland. I've been struggling to keep up on my blogging lately but I'm trying to recommit myself-especially want to write for "Words for Wednesday" this week! It's been too long!

Hope everyone celebrating the 4th has a safe and enjoyable holiday. We're going to my parents for various activities and it's causing me additional anxiety but I'm also excited and think/hope that I'll have fun.

Warm thoughts and gratitude :o)



BONUS PICTURE:

A Productive Tuesday

Today I had an appointment with my therapist and with my psychiatrist. Turned out to be a very good thing that my appointment with the therapist came first. I started things rolling by bursting into tears and admitting that I was thinking up a list of people to write farewell letters to for when I killed myself if my medications didn't get resolved.

The session turned into a sort of prep-talk for my psychiatrist appointment and owning that this medication isn't working for me and that it's not my fault, I'm not a failure I just need a different medication. It helped me a lot to sort things out and sort of prepare to speak up for myself because I ended up speaking up a lot more than usual at my appointment and we're tapering off this damned Latuda and hopefully the jitters/akathisia will go away in short order.

We haven't decided to start another medication just yet because my psychiatrist wants to talk with my ECT doctor about using ECT as a maintenance treatment instead of relying on medications-so we'll see how that sorts out.

The hubster was quite proud of me for speaking up in the appointment and we enjoyed a lunch out together before he went back to work and I drove myself home. It was a lot of driving for me today-most I've done in a while-but I managed all right and I'm home safe now.

Next week I should be tapered off the Latuda and hopefully not experiencing such misery (I've been pretty miserable lately with the jitters and trying to cope with them) and we'll see what the rest of the plan is...

Gotta try to focus on one thing at a time.

Deep breath in and deep breath out.

One thing at a time!

Medication Madness

It's been a rough week around here and we think it has to do with the anti-anxiety medication I began on Tuesday. Not only did my depressive logic flare but I got hives Thursday and Friday (all over my thighs and the second day all over my thighs and arms). We think I had a pretty negative reaction to the new pill. It really shook me up because it took away the teensy bit of positive perspective I seemed to have gathered up in therapy and shoved me back into a very dark place.

It's scary and amazing what medication can do. I really hope the changes we decided to make will help things go dramatically in the positive direction instead of the negative... speaking of, I am so grateful that my psychiatrist called me yesterday evening. She had called around 1:30 PM and said that she would try to call me back around 3:30 or 4:00 PM but I didn't hear from her (cue the sad/anxious mood) but then she called at 6:30 PM. Yes. I was so relieved. We dropped the buspirone and added propranolol and went back up on the Latuda.

Things have been so hard the past few days I lost all perspective in why I even bother feeling better. I felt like a failure constantly, I lost sight of my goals to live a happy life with my family, to enjoy the little things, I just felt so horrible. Now, just the act of doing something proactive and talking with my psychiatrist has really helped me feel connected again. It's a really difficult thing to describe, but I think it boils down to not caring about my life and then coming to a place where I'm able to care again. A place where I'm able to believe I can survive, able to believe that I have something to live for, able to believe in the process of medication and therapy, able to believe in wellness instead of being blinding by my disorders.

It's far too easy to "check out" and feel hopeless, it's gonna take some time and a lot of effort to build up the resiliency I need in that area to stay safe and happy... but I have the teensiest peep of my goal now instead of feeling totally miserable and hijacked by medications and symptoms. Sure gonna try to hold onto that view of my goal line.

Struggling, but now I feel like I'm struggling in the right direction.... Wishing everyone happy weekends and wellness :o)

Words for Wednesday (and a little update)

This week's inspirational words come from Mark Koopmans via Elephant Child's blog and while there were many options, I went with the following words:

1. Disney

2. emojis

3. fashionista

4. carpool

5. slug

6. languishing

Hannah shoved her iPhone into her purse, paused a moment to take in the small, bright pin of a Disney cartoon fish on the deep purple of the petite messenger bag slung over her shoulders, and smiled at the memories of visiting Disneyland with her husband. Adjusting the strap on her purse to reposition the bag to her lower back she smirked in self-satisfaction at the string of cheeky emojis she had texted to him just the minute before in response to his flirtatious check-in. They stayed in close contact throughout the day as she recovered from postpartum depression, her risk of self-injury and suicidal tendencies too serious to be ignored. It was lovely to be in touch multiple times a day and with flirty overtones on top of it but a shadow of sadness haunted Hannah as she thought of all the time and effort her illness demanded and she wished that she would feel like "her old self" again.

Trudging down the paved neighborhood trail she plunged her hands into the pockets of her fleece jacket and breathed in deep lungfuls of crisp spring air. It was a blissfully cool, somewhat overcast day and sweet relief from the blazing heatwave that had swept the Pacific Northwest that week so far. Feeling the chill in the air and seeing the gray in the sky had inspired Hannah to hit the pavement and walk to a nearby cafe for an afternoon treat rather than languishing in the condo for yet another afternoon as her dark mood tempted her to do.

The trail was surrounded by fern, trees, and wildflowers, the pavement darker than usual from the morning's rainfall and sprinkled with pine needles. More often than people, Hannah came across a variety of slugs braving the expanse of pavement despite the dangers of human foot traffic. She was happy to see that only a few brave slugs had met their makers while the vast majority slugged forward in pursuit of their sluggish goals. Reviled by many, Hannah happened to enjoy the slimy critters and their special relationship to the local environment, possibly because she'd never had lettuce or gardens nibbled by the persistent animals.

As she neared the coffee shop, Hannah felt a familiar tension rise in her chest and in response to the anxiety she trained her breathing into a deeper, slower pace to soothe herself as she entered the cafe. It was moderately busy with most of the tables occupied by office workers, stay-at-home-moms, youthful fashionistas, and one pair of elderly yogis. Walking to the cashier at the front of the store she continued to breathe in practiced, paced waves as she waited her turn, thinking to herself over and over; You are safe. You are okay. You are safe. You are okay.

"Hey there, having a good day? What can I get for you?" The barista smiled broadly and cheerily drummed his fingers on the counter near the register.

"Enjoying this cool weather, that's for sure!" Hannah grinned and gulped a deep breath, "I'd like a 12 ounce double shot Americano, please, for here."

"Absolutely! You need room in that?"

"Nope. No room. Thank you."

The barista gave her a total and she handed over a small pile of dollar bills and told him to keep the change before shuffling toward the pick-up counter to the left. She smiled to herself and reassured herself in time with her continued slow, deep breaths; You did great! You are safe. That was friendly. You are okay. The anxiety still drummed in her chest but the slowed breathing and self-assurance helped her avoid the worse symptoms of light-headedness or tingling or breaking down into sobs. With any luck she would be able to soothe herself out of the anxious state and into a calmer mood after a few sips from her espresso once she was settled into a comfy chair or secluded table.

"12 ounce Americano for Hannah? Here ya go. Uh, hey ya wanna hear a joke?" The perky barista at the bar raised her eyebrows and smiled a toothless grin with resplendent red lipsticked lips.

"Uh, sure." Hannah shrugged, her eyes trapped by the woman's sparkling teal eye shadow and mischievous grin.

"Mr. Johnson walks out to his car one morning and finds his windows all broken up, two long wooden sticks shoved in the front seat, 15 colored balls all over the floor, a white ball in his cup holder, and a blue square of chalk on his dashboard. Do you know what the note left on his windshield said?"

Hannah shook her head, trying to school her alarmed expression as the barista described the hypothetical damage.

"Sorry about the carpool. Ha! Get it? It's a weird joke, I know, my kid brother told me it yesterday..." the barista clapped her hands, shrugged, and said, "You have a great afternoon now, ya hear?"

Hannah nodded and smiled, a little bewildered, as she took her Americano and wandered over to a small, unoccupied table near the back of the cafe. Noticing that the barista's odd joke had distracted her from her own anxiety, Hannah smiled to herself and mentally recited gratitudes as she settled into the chair, thankful for the small victory of venturing out for a coffee without having to resort to prescription medications to control her anxious feelings.

"Here's to me and getting out of the house," she murmured, lifting the ivory mug to her mouth, "One baby step at a time!"

-----------------------------------------------------

So there's my "Words for Wednesday." A little autobiographical/fiction this week :o)

In other news, it's been a rough day but I've been utilizing the DBT skills and trying my best without putting too much pressure on myself. I went to the lab this morning, got my bangs trimmed and my eyebrows waxed midday, and then went out to the gym and toodled around suburbia in my beater to kill some time this afternoon.

The anxiety seems a little less intense and I only had one panic attack but the sadness and dark feelings like regretting having Baby Banananface or feeling a lack of identity or anchor to the world was more troublesome. I finally fessed up about these bad feelings to the hubby and he wondered if going down on the Latuda might be leaving and opening for the depression to creep back in. We're going to have to see.

One hour at a time, plodding forward, one hour at a time.

Ask Me Anything Answers: Part I

I received more questions than I expected so I'm going to post answers in multiple posts until I have answered them all!

First up are a couple of questions from Linda over at "Linda's Peaceful Place":

1) What is your favorite color?

I don't even have to think about it for a full second-my favorite color is purple. I tend to prefer darker shades but generally enjoy all shades of purple more than most other colors. Now if you asked what my second favorite color is, I would start having some trouble because I love so many greens and blues and can't make up my mind. But my number one favorite color is purple!

2) If you could live anywhere else in the world (another country), where would you choose to live?

This is a tougher question for me, for sure, but I think that I can figure it out. I can't say that I would want to live somewhere if I haven't been there and the places I have been include New Zealand, Australia, Iceland, and Canada. I loved visiting each of these places, but if it came down to it I think Alberta, Canada is where my family and I would go. 

I went to Alberta for my babymoon and really enjoyed it. I don't know if I'd like living somewhere where there aren't big ole mountains and tons of fir trees and birds and wildlife that I grew up learning about and Alberta has all that. I love the Pacific Northwest and I think this area of the globe is where I belong. At least that's what I feel like right now. 

We've been having some hot days of late and I'm so relieved to have rain and grey skies the past few-I'm not sure I could handle the temperatures in Australia and New Zealand, and Iceland is pretty isolated, wonderful-don't get me wrong, but I'm not sure if a little island is a good idea for me for a long term.

So I will say Alberta, Canada. Where exactly, I'm not sure, but near the mountains most definitely :o)

Thank you Linda for questions, I enjoyed answering them and you definitely got me thinking! 

In other news, I'm having a bit of a rough day still battling the bug Baby Bananaface brought home from day care and my mood hasn't been the best. I'm trying not to be so hard on myself and judgmental about my negative thoughts, trying to just let them coast on by and not get sticky and destructive. Good day to have a therapy appointment, methinks! 

I'm going to be changing anti-anxiety medication again, so that on-going challenge continues, but going down to 40 mg on my Latuda seems to have done the trick with the jitters problem I had and I'm very grateful for that change.

Trying not to freak and stay hopeful about feeling better soon :o) Happy Monday everyone!

Here's a cute pic:

Ugh!

I'm having a rough time being positive but I'm trying-I'm railing against the boo-hoos!

That said, I must say these "jitters" suck big polar bear butt. It really doesn't help that I think I've got the bug that Baby Banananface just finished up with. The body aches, slight fever, and sleepiness (I took a nap for the first time in eons yesterday!) combined with the creepy-crawly skin, nervous wiggles and jitters is not a pleasant combo.

I think the jitters are from my anxiety this morning but sometimes they are from my mood stabilizers. The jitters would be easier to stomach if I felt like my meds were taking care of all my issues and making life a whole lot easier, but I don't feel that way. I sometimes doubt if my meds do all that much! I hate this "in-between" feeling as we try to find the right dose and the right medication for me... Ugh.

I'm done focusing on this crap for now! I'm gonna play some Yahtzee (the hubster and I have been having a lot of fun playing together lately) and listen to some talk radio and leave this sickness/medication crap for later.

Sometimes I just gotta take a break from it all and pretend like it's all good!

Sometimes a little make believe time is the best we can do :o)

Keep fighting!

Changing It Up

The past week has been a rough one. I've been writing down when I have certain symptoms (jitters, anxiety, panic) to prove to myself that I'm experiencing certain side effects and my little sticky note chart came in handy at my psychiatrist appointment Tuesday.

It's pretty obvious from my notes and the hubster's and my testimonies that I've been having akathisia and increased anxiety, likely due to the increase in my mood stabilizing medication, Latuda. We've also been concerned about my use of benzodiazepines for anti-anxiety as they have been known to increase impulsivity/reduce inhibition and with my suicide attempt April 11th, the hubster has been paying close attention to my anti-anxiety use and helping me make sure that I'm not too distraught when I take them so I'm less likely to hurt myself or act on those bad thoughts. It's been tough but I learned some different tricks to help calm me down in DBT class that are coming in handy...

Anyways. The "Changing It Up" part of things is a new, lower dose of the Latuda and a different anti-anxiety medication called gabapentin. The gabapentin comes in a big bottle and I take it up to three times a day which makes me feel a little ridiculous but I try to remember to be kind to myself and not judge, to remember that it doesn't matter how many pills I have to take, it's about getting myself to feel better. We should know by the end of the week if these new doses/pills are going to help me.

The physical symptoms have been rough but the mental reaction has been challenging as well. I haven't been reacting as poorly as I could (no self injury or major suicidal ideation), I have been somewhat gentle with myself but I am quite resistant, down on myself, and upset at the jittery and anxious feelings and the negativity just makes me more miserable. Doing the surveys before my psychiatrist appointment made me realize just how depressed the increased anxiety and akathisia has made me-I knew that my anxiety survey would be high but my depression survey surprised me!

Thankfully my psychiatrist was supportive and my therapist was quite helpful at my appointment Monday as well; reminding me about changing my reactions and making my thoughts more positive and helpful. It's difficult, and I have a long way to go to making my brain automatically chill itself out, but I feel like I am aimed in a better direction now and that helps. Between the DBT skills and the new pills I feel like I'm doing something to try and improve the situation and that is a vast improvement on feeling miserable and helpless.

So. I'm trying to be gentle with myself, stay positive in the face of some frustrating symptoms and patient while I wait for the medication changes to set in. I'm also trying to cut back on my self-pity and dwelling on the frustration and move toward being more proactive, active, and tricky when it comes to utilizing DBT skills and coping that way instead of letting things get the better of me and feeling like I am powerless.

I haven't been as social or active lately on the blog scene, but I did get to read and comment a bit today which felt good... hope to get back into my old blog groove now that the A-to-Z is over but it's another transition of sorts.

Hope everyone is having some better days while I'm juggling these nasty ones! I've been able to do some laundry, some Sudoku, and even cleaned the bathroom floor so it's not all bad! :o)

One day-one hour-one minute at a time... nice deep breaths and I'll make it through! I can do this!

P is for Premera #atozchallenge

This post is part of my first year doing the A to Z Challenge and I happen to be writing under the theme Gratitude: The Things That Keep Me Alive. This is a relevant theme for me as I am struggling with postpartum depression, and also have diagnosed anxiety and bipolar II (just to let you know what's going on with me-it might be pertinent as you read the post below). Thank you for stopping by and reading my post!

P is for Premera, as in the Premera Blue Cross insurance company, because without insurance I'd probably be long gone. Without insurance I wouldn't have been able to afford therapy, medications, inpatient treatment, ECT, or my DBT classes-it's taking a lot of resources to piece me back together! (and by me being able to afford I mean our family that is totally dependent on my husband's income)

Speaking of the hubster, he has a few choice words about Premera as well; from his own fingers, I present the hubster's point of view:

The second hospitalization prompted Premera to take a more active role in Hannah's care. A few days into her second hospitalization, I received a call from a "case manager" at Premera-totally out of the blue. My initial reaction was to be professional, but evasive as I did not want the insurance company to deny or reject any of the claims; however, after a few minutes talking with the case manager I found myself at ease. She understood what was happening and just needed to know more in order to offer solutions. I wasn't sure what she could do, but she did help to find Hannah's DBT program and it was nice to feel like I had a partner on the inside of the game. An ace up my sleeve if needed. For almost two months the case manager would check in about once a week to see how things were going and to see how Hannah was doing. It was nice to receive such a level of care with such concern: it was surprising and refreshing. The system does work when it needs to. Hubster out.

We're even grateful for Premera specifically because they covered my out of hospital birth at the birth center that was such an amazing experience. Not every insurance would *shakes finger*

Anyway, that's sort of a boring topic for P so I scraped around my brain for some other things I'm grateful for that fall under P and came up with persistence, pets, pictures, paperbacks, public libraries, and pretending. Why pretending? Well, "faking it til you make it" never really works for me but pretending I'm okay and stable and normal when I'm out and about in public can actually give me a break from my misery when I'm feeling down and without those breaks from the pain and darkness I might not have made it through.

Flamers might say I'm being dramatic but A) They're flamers, B) They obviously haven't dealt with major depression or these other disorders. I think my fellow survivors will identify with what I've typed here and I'm glad to be a partner (see there, another P!) in the effort toward greater mental health and support by being honest about my experience.

Putting these things out there and being honest can get dramatic because battling back a disease that has convinced you that killing yourself is a viable and preferable option to life, that's a dramatic thing. Don't ever feel like you're being a "drama queen" or "playing it up." Dealing with these types of issues gets dramatic but you're not alone.

In inpatient one of the most important things I learned was that I wasn't alone and that other people experience the same dramatic symptoms as I do. I learned that it wasn't me being a whiny, attention seeker; it was me struggling with a slew of disorders that have brought many good people to their knees.

So persist, my fellow sufferers. Pursue your futures and happiness and health. Plan for foibles along the way and plow through the mess of challenges along the way. Praise yourself and celebrate the everyday victories and know that someone believes in you.

PS Here's a bonus P and (word nerd alert) a fun word:

pro·bi·ty

/ˈprōbədē/

noun formal

the quality of having strong moral principles; honesty and decency

St. Patrick's Day

I have been festive today. Why? I have no idea. I suppose it's because, "Why the hell not?" 

The hubs asked what shirt he should wear and I promptly said, "The green one." The kiddo has green on and back-up green in his to-go bag. I was even making comments about his Irish ancestry and his festive green boogers (holy cow they were really, really sticky this morning). 

I leave a comment on a blog, I tack on "Happy St. Patty's." Not every time, but often enough.

On the flipside, I was pissed off this morning A) because I didn't want to get outta bed one lick and B) because I have a horrendous pimple near my lip line that hurts like hell. I cussed a lot, we dubbed it the "St. Patrick's Day Pimplecre" and I made a bad herpes joke that the hubs took seriously and then we had to have a discussion and now I'm Googling how exactly one might get herpes and the whole cold sore thing... Good grief.

So THAT'S how my St. Patrick's Day is going. A little all over the board.

In other news, yesterday got quite dark for me and then things got better at DBT group. It was quite confusing to be jerked around by my emotions so much... Before class I told the hubs "If this doesn't work, that's it" implying that I would kill myself this fall if I'm not feeling better by then and then after class we were joking and loving and talking about the future, it was wonderful. Just confusing.

I really don't feel like my medications do much for me but the hubbo reminded me that it hasn't been all that long since I've been on this new one and that I gotta give it a chance... so I'll hurry up and wait. Grr.

ANYWAYS. Have some goals of doing some laundry and vacuuming without stubbing any toes today and eating lunch, all of which are going to be more challenging than expected (already proving as such).

Fair thee well blog reader...

and Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Caring Thoughts, Nice Read

Really related to this article and if there are any other bipolar ladies in the pregnancy arena they might appreciate it too?

My pregnancy went pretty well, no meds or major issues that I recall, but this postpartum. Sheesh. If only I'd been better prepared. If that would've even helped! I'm not sure!

Thinking of everyone and hoping they are well.

Be strong.