Today I woke up in a better place. I started my day off on a better footing. My kindness and self-validation is returning. I'm feeling calmer and less afraid, less sad, worthless, and weak.
I think part of my upswing has to do with a conversation the hubster and I had last night. He started by pointing out how serious things were getting. That I didn't seem to be fighting back against the dark logic like I had been in previous blips. That we had to get on top of things and stop this from becoming a full-fledged episode.
After some hemming and hawing from me, lots of apologies and guilt and shame, he launched into a sort of monologue/rant (not usually his style). He said something along the lines of, "You should be proud. Not ashamed. Not guilty. You should be proud that you are here. You should be proud of how far you have come and what you have done, not just for yourself but for us, for your family. You don't have to feel guilty about all that time in the hospital or all the treatments or all the therapy. You should be proud of all the hard work you have done and all the tough times we have come through together. You would have done the same for me, I know you would've. We are moving forward and you don't need to look back and feel guilt or shame about all that we went through. That's the past. We're here and we're moving forward. Do you get that?"
I do get it. What he said did resonate with me. While it's still hard to internalize and really believe it in my bones, it's something I want to work toward accepting and integrating into my being. I'm a survivor. Sure, that means I've been through some shit and it's definitely been a costly, difficult journey, but it also means that I'm strong. I'm skilled. I'm dedicated. I love my family and friends and worked hard to stick around for them.
And that's worth being proud of.
Just like everything else I've worked toward, I'm gonna work those baby steps. One day at a time I'm gonna cultivate that pride. Planting those seeds and no matter how long it takes, I'm gonna get them growing. I'll never stop busting my ass to be better, to stay healthy, to be here for those I love and this is just the next leg of that journey.
Showing posts with label Future. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Future. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 31, 2017
Friday, April 1, 2016
A is for Attempt #atozchallenge
This post is part of my first year doing the A to Z Challenge and I happen to be writing under the theme Gratitude: The Things That Keep Me Alive. This is a relevant theme for me as I am struggling with postpartum depression, and also have diagnosed anxiety and bipolar II (just to let you know what's going on with me-it might be pertinent as you read the post below). Thank you for stopping by and reading my post!
A is for Attempt because I'm grateful for the hubs attempting to help me get better, me attempting to get better, me attempting to do this "A to Z Challenge," and every adorable attempt Bubba makes as he learns new things.
"Attempt" is important. "Attempt" is something that I have struggled with for a very long time and am attempting to improve.
For a very long time I have seen life as pass/fail. Do or don't. I have unconsciously/consciously believed that I couldn't enjoy relaxation or frivolous or joyous things until I had earned them or had "passed" completely. I haven't let myself try to learn or improve skills that I am not already competent at because of this uncomfortable feeling around "Attempt."
As the hubster pointed out to me so skillfully one day a couple weeks ago, this is a prime example of how I suffer from my chronic depressive logic. I found myself wanting to go on a mini-vacay with the hubs but struggling with my ideas of a pass/fail life-
"I recognize that we are exhausted and overworked and that we need a break and that we don't have to have everything sorted out and perfect before we take a break, that it isn't something we earn, that it's something we have the right to...but I also feel like my life is such a mess right now that I'm not allowed to pick up and leave in the middle of sorting things out! I gotta fix it all first!"
It takes a lot of deep breaths to calm me down when I discuss "Attempt" like this! But when I do calm down, I can see that all of life is one big attempt. We are constantly works in progress or trying something new and I need to get comfortable with the idea of being incomplete. Life isn't graded-I won't be an A,B,C,D, or F by the end or at any point, I will forever be incomplete, like everyone else. I will forever be attempting and continuing to "Attempt" is sure helping keep me alive!
*sigh* Feels like I'm getting something off my chest here! Guess I'm grateful for that too ;)
Monday, March 28, 2016
Off-loading Some Worry
As I mentioned before, we did Easter at my parents' house. There were many wonderful parts to our day but there were also some worrisome bits that stressed me out a lot and inspired a lot of worry-and let's face it, I know how to worry with the best of them!
Why the worry, you ask? It has to do with my parents and my sister and my nephew.
Being at their place for the holiday did give me and my sister a little bonding time (playing catch/talking birth) but it also gave the hubs and I a teeny peek into what life has been like for those residing in my childhood home. It wasn't pretty (to us).
This is the point in my therapeutic writing where I start to doubt myself and qualify everything I type with internal commentary. For instance, You and Hubbo were there for a single day as guests, you don't really have the full picture, you don't know for certain what life is really like there, you don't know for certain how that baby is really taken care of, it's not your worry to worry, get over it, you sound so stupid, you're the daughter not the parent, stop worrying...
Well. I can't hush this worry. I don't want to write off my feelings. Maybe they're not completely logical or valid but I can't keep my concern locked up---I have tears brimming as I write this because I am so conflicted, so worried, so confused and concerned, but all I can do is try to express myself and hope it helps me get a bit of better grip, so please bear with me!
*psyching myself up*
During our visit we heard chatter about the upcoming move. My parents have had a realtor (or a gaggle of "realtor ladies" as they refer to them) check out the house and apparently after a bit of painting, a few new doors, and a few other little projects they'll have it up for sale.
It's a little emotional thinking about my childhood home going into a stranger's care but the sadness that plagues me seems to have more to do with my concern for my parents making a productive move, a healthy change. When I heard my sister and mother talking about large split level homes I became worried about their future. My father seems to be thinking the same direction as me, smaller, less work, paying off some things off-not moving into an equally large if not larger home to make room for my sister to have as separate a living space as possible... uh, WHAT!?
I know my sister is in the shit and needs the extra help but do they expect to help her raise this child forever? I don't want them jeopardizing their retirement buying some big ass house and giving themselves extra stress with some large yard to take care of just because my sister happens to be living with them at the moment. I'm sure as soon as she can afford it she will jump ship to her own place.
When I can think a bit more clearly I tend to think, Of course they are aware of this, Dad even mentioned 55+ neighborhoods and townhomes, you don't have anything to worry about, they are the "adults" they'll take care of themselves, don't worry, but the anxiety still clings to my heart as anyone with anxiety will know.
It doesn't make much sense, but I feel compelled to voice my worries to them as I can't seem to quiet them but I also feel that it is quite inappropriate. Speaking with my father and the hubster around the card table while my mom and sister did baby things, it seems like my dad is geared toward trying to make a smart move to a smaller place, lower maintenance, travel friendly, paying off what they can etc. That is reassuring to me but hearing my mother and sister talk about the move like they were freaks me the hell out! *sigh*
My other worries have to do with my sister and the baby. My nephew is four months old and doesn't seem quite up to speed. They say he smiles but we've never seen it and his movement seems... off. I don't know if it's just the giant gourd or what (his head is definitely 100th percentile).
She is affectionate towards him but at times ambivalent and annoyed, to some degree that's totally normal but I also worry if it's a bonding issue or postpartum setting in or both but watching the baby and her and my parents and the whole awkward situation was quite distressing. Listening to my sister on the phone with her baby's daddy was upsetting because of the dysfunction and her seeming unconcern with leaving her child with him and his family for Easter... maybe my standards are just different.
It puts my stomach in knots thinking of that dude. I think he might be twenty now but not more than that and the way they spoke (or from what I heard on my sister's end) doesn't bode well for this "family's" future. He was a virgin when they met, they supposedly weren't "doing anything." He grew up in a heavily Christian family and was spoiled, "never held accountable for his actions" as my father puts it and apparently the boy's parents blame my sister for the entire thing. Don't get me wrong, she has her fair share of responsibility, but this dude is just as much a part of the clusterduck* as she is!
So. These are the things that are bearing down on me of late. Things that I cannot do anything about, things that worrying over is quite useless, things that don't have a lot to do directly with me as it goes anyhow! But I struggle. Hopefully this post will help me :o)
*trying to work on my cussing ;o)
Why the worry, you ask? It has to do with my parents and my sister and my nephew.
Being at their place for the holiday did give me and my sister a little bonding time (playing catch/talking birth) but it also gave the hubs and I a teeny peek into what life has been like for those residing in my childhood home. It wasn't pretty (to us).
This is the point in my therapeutic writing where I start to doubt myself and qualify everything I type with internal commentary. For instance, You and Hubbo were there for a single day as guests, you don't really have the full picture, you don't know for certain what life is really like there, you don't know for certain how that baby is really taken care of, it's not your worry to worry, get over it, you sound so stupid, you're the daughter not the parent, stop worrying...
Well. I can't hush this worry. I don't want to write off my feelings. Maybe they're not completely logical or valid but I can't keep my concern locked up---I have tears brimming as I write this because I am so conflicted, so worried, so confused and concerned, but all I can do is try to express myself and hope it helps me get a bit of better grip, so please bear with me!
*psyching myself up*
During our visit we heard chatter about the upcoming move. My parents have had a realtor (or a gaggle of "realtor ladies" as they refer to them) check out the house and apparently after a bit of painting, a few new doors, and a few other little projects they'll have it up for sale.
It's a little emotional thinking about my childhood home going into a stranger's care but the sadness that plagues me seems to have more to do with my concern for my parents making a productive move, a healthy change. When I heard my sister and mother talking about large split level homes I became worried about their future. My father seems to be thinking the same direction as me, smaller, less work, paying off some things off-not moving into an equally large if not larger home to make room for my sister to have as separate a living space as possible... uh, WHAT!?
I know my sister is in the shit and needs the extra help but do they expect to help her raise this child forever? I don't want them jeopardizing their retirement buying some big ass house and giving themselves extra stress with some large yard to take care of just because my sister happens to be living with them at the moment. I'm sure as soon as she can afford it she will jump ship to her own place.
When I can think a bit more clearly I tend to think, Of course they are aware of this, Dad even mentioned 55+ neighborhoods and townhomes, you don't have anything to worry about, they are the "adults" they'll take care of themselves, don't worry, but the anxiety still clings to my heart as anyone with anxiety will know.
It doesn't make much sense, but I feel compelled to voice my worries to them as I can't seem to quiet them but I also feel that it is quite inappropriate. Speaking with my father and the hubster around the card table while my mom and sister did baby things, it seems like my dad is geared toward trying to make a smart move to a smaller place, lower maintenance, travel friendly, paying off what they can etc. That is reassuring to me but hearing my mother and sister talk about the move like they were freaks me the hell out! *sigh*
My other worries have to do with my sister and the baby. My nephew is four months old and doesn't seem quite up to speed. They say he smiles but we've never seen it and his movement seems... off. I don't know if it's just the giant gourd or what (his head is definitely 100th percentile).
She is affectionate towards him but at times ambivalent and annoyed, to some degree that's totally normal but I also worry if it's a bonding issue or postpartum setting in or both but watching the baby and her and my parents and the whole awkward situation was quite distressing. Listening to my sister on the phone with her baby's daddy was upsetting because of the dysfunction and her seeming unconcern with leaving her child with him and his family for Easter... maybe my standards are just different.
It puts my stomach in knots thinking of that dude. I think he might be twenty now but not more than that and the way they spoke (or from what I heard on my sister's end) doesn't bode well for this "family's" future. He was a virgin when they met, they supposedly weren't "doing anything." He grew up in a heavily Christian family and was spoiled, "never held accountable for his actions" as my father puts it and apparently the boy's parents blame my sister for the entire thing. Don't get me wrong, she has her fair share of responsibility, but this dude is just as much a part of the clusterduck* as she is!
So. These are the things that are bearing down on me of late. Things that I cannot do anything about, things that worrying over is quite useless, things that don't have a lot to do directly with me as it goes anyhow! But I struggle. Hopefully this post will help me :o)
*trying to work on my cussing ;o)
Saturday, March 26, 2016
Seeking Wisdom and a Reality Check
Saw my bastard nephew yesterday (I mean technically, it's true, not to mention he's one whiny, tough nut of a baby).
He's ugly. He's got a biggest pumpkin, blue ribbon at the fair type of head and never smiles and just doesn't seem "right" and the hubs and I are worried something is off there. Maybe our baby was just a stellar deal and this kid is just toward the other end of the spectrum?
Anyways. I tried to connect. I fed him his bottle, I lugged him around IKEA in a ring sling trying to soothe him (big ole head, drool, complaining nearly the entire time, it was not a great aunt-to-nephew bonding moment.)
At first I thought, "Oh my gawd. It's only been a year and I've already lost my momma skills;" but the hubster reassured me that it wasn't my fault, this baby is just a case!
So here's the pickle.... I want to be a good aunt. I don't want to resent this child, I don't want to resent my sister, I want to be able to function as a member of my own family, even if that family is a bit.... dysfunctional.
How can I reframe this? I have a tendency to worry so "the ugly duckling" storyline doesn't help much. Just too much left to faith and chance there. This kid's head is so ginormous he's not even fun to cuddle, it's either bearing down on your arm making it hurt cuz it's so heavy or making him loll around like a reverse weeble-wobble thingamajig.
Part of the issue is I had this weird thought when she was pregnant that the baby would be ugly because he was born out of wedlock. This coming from the proclaimed atheist that is somehow still influenced by religious pressures and beliefs. Oy. It's just so confusing and frustrating!
I guess this is all coming up because A) saw The Nephew at IKEA and B) gonna see him and my family and my sister today for Easter-not-on-Easter.
I feel sort of bad for having these thoughts and feelings but then I feel glad that I can own up to them and get them off my chest. My dad admitted that this child is never really happy and complains and whines and cries and fusses a lot. He also admitted that the kiddo's head is impressively large but didn't quite commit to, "boy howdy that kid is ugly!."
SO. That is one of my life challenges lately. I want to be a good aunt. I want to feel affection and love and connection with my family, but it's just not there in some cases...
Any thoughts? advice? wisdom? stories? I feel like I'm in the wrong but also feel like, "yay for you, embracing some feelings!"
Life. Is. Complicated. And. Messy.
*insert ookey feelings here*
Linda! That quote is so helpful and reassuring! Thank you for posting this: Please don't keep all your feelings pent up inside of you. Sometimes you need a good cry. Even if you don't know exactly why you're crying. It's okay not to be okay. But it's not okay to give up.
He's ugly. He's got a biggest pumpkin, blue ribbon at the fair type of head and never smiles and just doesn't seem "right" and the hubs and I are worried something is off there. Maybe our baby was just a stellar deal and this kid is just toward the other end of the spectrum?
Anyways. I tried to connect. I fed him his bottle, I lugged him around IKEA in a ring sling trying to soothe him (big ole head, drool, complaining nearly the entire time, it was not a great aunt-to-nephew bonding moment.)
At first I thought, "Oh my gawd. It's only been a year and I've already lost my momma skills;" but the hubster reassured me that it wasn't my fault, this baby is just a case!
So here's the pickle.... I want to be a good aunt. I don't want to resent this child, I don't want to resent my sister, I want to be able to function as a member of my own family, even if that family is a bit.... dysfunctional.
How can I reframe this? I have a tendency to worry so "the ugly duckling" storyline doesn't help much. Just too much left to faith and chance there. This kid's head is so ginormous he's not even fun to cuddle, it's either bearing down on your arm making it hurt cuz it's so heavy or making him loll around like a reverse weeble-wobble thingamajig.
Part of the issue is I had this weird thought when she was pregnant that the baby would be ugly because he was born out of wedlock. This coming from the proclaimed atheist that is somehow still influenced by religious pressures and beliefs. Oy. It's just so confusing and frustrating!
I guess this is all coming up because A) saw The Nephew at IKEA and B) gonna see him and my family and my sister today for Easter-not-on-Easter.
I feel sort of bad for having these thoughts and feelings but then I feel glad that I can own up to them and get them off my chest. My dad admitted that this child is never really happy and complains and whines and cries and fusses a lot. He also admitted that the kiddo's head is impressively large but didn't quite commit to, "boy howdy that kid is ugly!."
SO. That is one of my life challenges lately. I want to be a good aunt. I want to feel affection and love and connection with my family, but it's just not there in some cases...
Any thoughts? advice? wisdom? stories? I feel like I'm in the wrong but also feel like, "yay for you, embracing some feelings!"
Life. Is. Complicated. And. Messy.
*insert ookey feelings here*
Linda! That quote is so helpful and reassuring! Thank you for posting this: Please don't keep all your feelings pent up inside of you. Sometimes you need a good cry. Even if you don't know exactly why you're crying. It's okay not to be okay. But it's not okay to give up.
Thursday, October 1, 2015
October, you're here!
It's my favorite month.
I still feel shitty. I'm still not myself-or at least the self that I like.
This week has been.... rough, but with bright patches. I've managed to do more than I have in weeks but I've also had really dark days and the bad thoughts toward baby and myself have returned.
Last night I started lithium. We're going to ramp that up and then back the Seroquel off.
It's pretty hard to be interested or enjoy anything right now. I feel so in limbo and my heart is just numbed out. It's disconcerting when I'm actually engaged or kind or enthused, because those bright moments come out of relative darkness.
Hoping life will make more sense soon. Til then I'm gimping along just trying to feed myself, not hurt myself or others, and stick to the plan even when I lose faith in it.
Oh October, I wish I could greet you with more cheer.
Thank goodness for birds. My balcony flowers and feeders have brought me much peace and joy the last few days. Stellar's jays, chickadees, dark-eyed juncos, hummingbirds, and even a Northern flicker. So glad I bought those feeders that I've wanted for years. Should've done this ages ago!
I still feel shitty. I'm still not myself-or at least the self that I like.
This week has been.... rough, but with bright patches. I've managed to do more than I have in weeks but I've also had really dark days and the bad thoughts toward baby and myself have returned.
Last night I started lithium. We're going to ramp that up and then back the Seroquel off.
It's pretty hard to be interested or enjoy anything right now. I feel so in limbo and my heart is just numbed out. It's disconcerting when I'm actually engaged or kind or enthused, because those bright moments come out of relative darkness.
Hoping life will make more sense soon. Til then I'm gimping along just trying to feed myself, not hurt myself or others, and stick to the plan even when I lose faith in it.
Oh October, I wish I could greet you with more cheer.
Thank goodness for birds. My balcony flowers and feeders have brought me much peace and joy the last few days. Stellar's jays, chickadees, dark-eyed juncos, hummingbirds, and even a Northern flicker. So glad I bought those feeders that I've wanted for years. Should've done this ages ago!
Thursday, May 14, 2015
Episode and Fears
Last night was the biggest episode/anxiety flare up I've had since Baby came along-the first episode that made me think about the future and raising Baby as a mom with Bipolar...
I have been insecure and unstable for several days now, fidgety and distracted, my brain constantly humming away with anxious thoughts. Last night the hubbo was cruising apartment options and shared one idea with me. The apartments were a good option and worth checking out but I think the discussion was too much for me in my fragile state.
It took a couple hours but I gradually slid into a frenzy. My vision got sketchy, my peripheral vision shut down, my focus became terrible, shadow and brightness became exaggerated and although I was indoors past dark it felt like I was outside on a sunny day, the indoor lighting overwhelming. It was heartbreaking looking at my son in my arms and feeling like I was looking through a warped window. I wasn't myself and I was keenly aware of it.
I know that right now he's too small to understand my episodes or to understand that I'm not myself during those times, but looking at him and feeling so fractured made me think about the future when he'll be blindsided by my mood dropping out and confused by my irrational comments or hurt by my withdrawal. It's scary. I know parents can't avoid messing up their children in one way or another, but I don't want him scarred for life by my disease.
Once I was able to calm down a bit the hubbo and I admitted our concerns about explaining my mental health to our children and how we'll work through episodes with them around. We don't have it all figured out but it's definitely on our radar, especially after last night. There was no self-harming but I was angry and yelling, definitely irrational and it would be confusing and troubling to a child.
I know that prevention is key and maintaining my lifestyle can help avoid episodes but I'm also aware that I can't avoid every episode. We need some sort of framework for dealing with my flare ups, and while I'm confident we'll figure something out I worry about how our children may be affected.
Guess this is a great subject to discuss with my therapist, right!?
In the meantime, I'm trying to calm down and even out. The hubster and I have plans to go out Saturday for the first time without Baby. Seattle Rep sent us a convincing ad for a romantic play called "Outside Mullingar" and we're having my mom up to babysit while we go to an early showing. I'd really like to be in a better frame of mind by then so I can enjoy it instead of being a prickly pear!
I have been insecure and unstable for several days now, fidgety and distracted, my brain constantly humming away with anxious thoughts. Last night the hubbo was cruising apartment options and shared one idea with me. The apartments were a good option and worth checking out but I think the discussion was too much for me in my fragile state.
It took a couple hours but I gradually slid into a frenzy. My vision got sketchy, my peripheral vision shut down, my focus became terrible, shadow and brightness became exaggerated and although I was indoors past dark it felt like I was outside on a sunny day, the indoor lighting overwhelming. It was heartbreaking looking at my son in my arms and feeling like I was looking through a warped window. I wasn't myself and I was keenly aware of it.
I know that right now he's too small to understand my episodes or to understand that I'm not myself during those times, but looking at him and feeling so fractured made me think about the future when he'll be blindsided by my mood dropping out and confused by my irrational comments or hurt by my withdrawal. It's scary. I know parents can't avoid messing up their children in one way or another, but I don't want him scarred for life by my disease.
Once I was able to calm down a bit the hubbo and I admitted our concerns about explaining my mental health to our children and how we'll work through episodes with them around. We don't have it all figured out but it's definitely on our radar, especially after last night. There was no self-harming but I was angry and yelling, definitely irrational and it would be confusing and troubling to a child.
I know that prevention is key and maintaining my lifestyle can help avoid episodes but I'm also aware that I can't avoid every episode. We need some sort of framework for dealing with my flare ups, and while I'm confident we'll figure something out I worry about how our children may be affected.
Guess this is a great subject to discuss with my therapist, right!?
In the meantime, I'm trying to calm down and even out. The hubster and I have plans to go out Saturday for the first time without Baby. Seattle Rep sent us a convincing ad for a romantic play called "Outside Mullingar" and we're having my mom up to babysit while we go to an early showing. I'd really like to be in a better frame of mind by then so I can enjoy it instead of being a prickly pear!
Saturday, January 31, 2015
My Eyes Are Melting!!!
Yet here I am still facing a computer screen. D'oh.
I've been watching too much video media and scrolling too much news feed crap the past week. It really feels like my brains are liquefying and my eyes are gonna jelly and melt out of my face!
That being said, my mindlessness has garnered a few laughs and one in particular I thought was relevant and shareworthy; this video got me teary after a good smirk and giggle to boot.
I think all the pending motherhood pressure burbled up after viewing this video... I was just discussing the "baby industrial complex" with my mom while she was up for a visit and shopping for baby things. I've tried to focus on the "essentials" and not the trendy "must-haves" but so much exposure to marketing and consumption have worn on me. I feel pressure to have everything just right and know what I'm doing before I'm even out the gate!
All the consumer pressure is just part of the larger parenthood rat race, which I was reminded of at the baby shower with people gushing advice and success stories about their baby ventures. It felt nice to have people talk to me but it didn't take very long for me to recognize that it was more about them than offering real support or help. The facade of sisterhood was present but the stink of insecurity and compensation tainted the conversation. I couldn't help but feel sorry for them and their eternal struggle to be good enough even as my own war torn esteem flared with anxiety! Genuine concern and conversation is such a rare beast, isn't it?
Thankfully the hubster and my mom and this video have been very helpful in reminding me that I'm just fine being the mother I am going to be with whatever accouterments I happen to favor in whatever style I happen to adopt.
I think it's about time for another conscious "turtling" and withdrawal to focus on what's really important; turning off the search engine, unplugging and being okay in my skin for a while without all the outside input.
Ahh. Kinda nice to set aside the weight of all that pressure. As the hubby would say, "We just gotta feed 'em, diaper 'em, love 'em, and keep 'em alive!" Basics. Sponsored by Common Sense and Ancestors Without Superstores ;)
In other news, excited for the Super Bowl tomorrow but afraid of a nail biter-could be a stressful game! Go Hawks!
I've been watching too much video media and scrolling too much news feed crap the past week. It really feels like my brains are liquefying and my eyes are gonna jelly and melt out of my face!
That being said, my mindlessness has garnered a few laughs and one in particular I thought was relevant and shareworthy; this video got me teary after a good smirk and giggle to boot.
I think all the pending motherhood pressure burbled up after viewing this video... I was just discussing the "baby industrial complex" with my mom while she was up for a visit and shopping for baby things. I've tried to focus on the "essentials" and not the trendy "must-haves" but so much exposure to marketing and consumption have worn on me. I feel pressure to have everything just right and know what I'm doing before I'm even out the gate!
All the consumer pressure is just part of the larger parenthood rat race, which I was reminded of at the baby shower with people gushing advice and success stories about their baby ventures. It felt nice to have people talk to me but it didn't take very long for me to recognize that it was more about them than offering real support or help. The facade of sisterhood was present but the stink of insecurity and compensation tainted the conversation. I couldn't help but feel sorry for them and their eternal struggle to be good enough even as my own war torn esteem flared with anxiety! Genuine concern and conversation is such a rare beast, isn't it?
Thankfully the hubster and my mom and this video have been very helpful in reminding me that I'm just fine being the mother I am going to be with whatever accouterments I happen to favor in whatever style I happen to adopt.
I think it's about time for another conscious "turtling" and withdrawal to focus on what's really important; turning off the search engine, unplugging and being okay in my skin for a while without all the outside input.
Ahh. Kinda nice to set aside the weight of all that pressure. As the hubby would say, "We just gotta feed 'em, diaper 'em, love 'em, and keep 'em alive!" Basics. Sponsored by Common Sense and Ancestors Without Superstores ;)
In other news, excited for the Super Bowl tomorrow but afraid of a nail biter-could be a stressful game! Go Hawks!
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Fasten Thy Seat Belt!
Tuesday got a little bumpy 'round here.
The day began rather mundane. Woke up around 10:00 AM, managed to feed myself, do a workout, and acknowledge the fact that I was lonely and sick of being cooped up in the apartment, acutely feeling that I needed to get out of the house. Fast forward a few hours and the hubby arrives home from work while I'm working on a mini-project. For whatever reason, I fracture.
He was on board with getting out of the house despite the fact that he immediately launched into preparing the roast for dinner. I was jolted off-balance by the mixed messages, already stressed from my cabin fever, and feeling guilty for not working (or as my mind was phrasing it "having a valid excuse to be stressed out and needing to traipse about town") and suddenly felt my peripheral vision narrow.
It's a symptom of my anxiety when my peripheral vision feels dimmed and narrowed, I feel like I am suddenly removed from my surroundings and unable to interact with people or objects around me. It's like I'm frozen in a huge block of ice that puts impenetrable distance between me and the world. The hubster recognized this (especially after I crouched on the floor in an odd spot in a somewhat "hiding in plain view" position) and spoke softly, asking questions and trying to get me to maintain some eye contact.
Between his presence and my breathing/mindfulness I was able to acknowledge that I was having a minor episode, that the feeling would pass, and subsequently focus on getting out of the house and not letting my anxiety hijack the afternoon. We went to a little shopping area called "Town Center" and had some ice cream (you know he's babying me when he agrees to go to Cold Stone) before meandering around Pier 1 and the University Bookstore. It was a good escape, though I would've liked to wander for a longer period.
We came home to a delightful roast that had cooked perfectly in our absence and concluded the day with some computer games, reading, and TV. Takin' it easy ;) It was a bumpy day but in the end I coped and didn't let it ruin the entire evening or the next few days-progress!
In more recent news, I upped the ante and tried the next level on the workout video the doc recommended. Sweat was drippin'! I'm hoping to complete 7 days of each workout level before the road trip next month. It's rushing things but I know that I will appreciate it once I'm in road trip mode and not able to exercise or eat as healthfully. I'm planning to pack some nuts, fruits, veggies, and peanut butter & bread to help avoid eating too much fast food but I know that the trip will take a toll on my health, the question is just how much of a toll.
While I've made good progress with my mental and physical health I am concerned about spending over a week away. Out of my usual routine, away from my resources, and away from the hubster. I'm trying to look at it as a learning opportunity and a unique challenge but I feel afraid. I can't help think that my reserves are not stockpiled high enough to meet this challenge and stay healthy! Who knows, maybe it will be energizing or educating in a way I cannot predict?
Regardless, it's happening in less than a month and we'll just have to see!
The day began rather mundane. Woke up around 10:00 AM, managed to feed myself, do a workout, and acknowledge the fact that I was lonely and sick of being cooped up in the apartment, acutely feeling that I needed to get out of the house. Fast forward a few hours and the hubby arrives home from work while I'm working on a mini-project. For whatever reason, I fracture.
He was on board with getting out of the house despite the fact that he immediately launched into preparing the roast for dinner. I was jolted off-balance by the mixed messages, already stressed from my cabin fever, and feeling guilty for not working (or as my mind was phrasing it "having a valid excuse to be stressed out and needing to traipse about town") and suddenly felt my peripheral vision narrow.
It's a symptom of my anxiety when my peripheral vision feels dimmed and narrowed, I feel like I am suddenly removed from my surroundings and unable to interact with people or objects around me. It's like I'm frozen in a huge block of ice that puts impenetrable distance between me and the world. The hubster recognized this (especially after I crouched on the floor in an odd spot in a somewhat "hiding in plain view" position) and spoke softly, asking questions and trying to get me to maintain some eye contact.
Between his presence and my breathing/mindfulness I was able to acknowledge that I was having a minor episode, that the feeling would pass, and subsequently focus on getting out of the house and not letting my anxiety hijack the afternoon. We went to a little shopping area called "Town Center" and had some ice cream (you know he's babying me when he agrees to go to Cold Stone) before meandering around Pier 1 and the University Bookstore. It was a good escape, though I would've liked to wander for a longer period.
We came home to a delightful roast that had cooked perfectly in our absence and concluded the day with some computer games, reading, and TV. Takin' it easy ;) It was a bumpy day but in the end I coped and didn't let it ruin the entire evening or the next few days-progress!
In more recent news, I upped the ante and tried the next level on the workout video the doc recommended. Sweat was drippin'! I'm hoping to complete 7 days of each workout level before the road trip next month. It's rushing things but I know that I will appreciate it once I'm in road trip mode and not able to exercise or eat as healthfully. I'm planning to pack some nuts, fruits, veggies, and peanut butter & bread to help avoid eating too much fast food but I know that the trip will take a toll on my health, the question is just how much of a toll.
While I've made good progress with my mental and physical health I am concerned about spending over a week away. Out of my usual routine, away from my resources, and away from the hubster. I'm trying to look at it as a learning opportunity and a unique challenge but I feel afraid. I can't help think that my reserves are not stockpiled high enough to meet this challenge and stay healthy! Who knows, maybe it will be energizing or educating in a way I cannot predict?
Regardless, it's happening in less than a month and we'll just have to see!
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Not Sleeping.... Typing
Today was odd.
Odd that for the 4th consecutive day my FAM temperature is the exact same. Odd that I was wide awake at 5:30 AM until nearly 7:00 AM. Odd that I stayed in bed with the dog, wide awake, until I fell asleep after quieting my 7:37 AM alarm and stayed in bed until 11:00 AM.
Once I got out of bed my day took off. Pilled the cat, fed the cats, fed the dog, ate brekkie, drank water, walked the dog, crafted extensively, cleaned up thoroughly, made dinner, went for a walk with hubster and dog, watched a movie, got IcyHot on my eye, endured backache, chatted about preconception appointments with the hubster, cried, and now I'm awake, typing with a heating pad pressed to my back and perusing the internet for articles on obesity and pregnancy.
A full day.
Tomorrow I go to the ND for a follow-up about my lab test (thyroid, metabolic, CBC, vitamin D screenings) and also some preconception questions. The main concern is my weight and maintaining proper nutrition, especially iron and folic acid levels. Does that mean we're going to start "trying" soon? No. I'm just a worrier and a planner. Maybe it's better to call it a pre-preconception appointment!
In other news, spring is sweeping into our corner of the country. Sticky pine projectiles litter the sidewalks and cling tenaciously to Fio's fuzzy ankles. Warm breezes and sunshine are sneaking into the forecast while heavy rain spells persist. The weather is invigorating and I've been feeling more active and encouraged. I hope this year the spring season will boost my healthy living efforts as has happened in the past, yet I have missed the last few years.
The pets are doing pretty well. Millie had a slobbery fit after her flea treatment was applied. Iroh was not concerned at all. Shocker. Fio got a bath and is delightfully fluffy, although the sappy pine bombs have curtailed his cleanliness.
Been feeling productive in the kitchen of late. I made some yummy stuffed peppers, baked banana bran muffins, and tomorrow am making my favorite soup, beef 'n barley. Later on I'm making a good ole fashioned pot pie-yum! So much better than frozen pot pie. I pity anyone who has never had homemade pot pie! One of our favorites.
While I've been able to reduce my coffee intake, chocolate intake has spiked lately... Two walks per day may be quite necessary!
Odd that for the 4th consecutive day my FAM temperature is the exact same. Odd that I was wide awake at 5:30 AM until nearly 7:00 AM. Odd that I stayed in bed with the dog, wide awake, until I fell asleep after quieting my 7:37 AM alarm and stayed in bed until 11:00 AM.
Once I got out of bed my day took off. Pilled the cat, fed the cats, fed the dog, ate brekkie, drank water, walked the dog, crafted extensively, cleaned up thoroughly, made dinner, went for a walk with hubster and dog, watched a movie, got IcyHot on my eye, endured backache, chatted about preconception appointments with the hubster, cried, and now I'm awake, typing with a heating pad pressed to my back and perusing the internet for articles on obesity and pregnancy.
A full day.
Tomorrow I go to the ND for a follow-up about my lab test (thyroid, metabolic, CBC, vitamin D screenings) and also some preconception questions. The main concern is my weight and maintaining proper nutrition, especially iron and folic acid levels. Does that mean we're going to start "trying" soon? No. I'm just a worrier and a planner. Maybe it's better to call it a pre-preconception appointment!
In other news, spring is sweeping into our corner of the country. Sticky pine projectiles litter the sidewalks and cling tenaciously to Fio's fuzzy ankles. Warm breezes and sunshine are sneaking into the forecast while heavy rain spells persist. The weather is invigorating and I've been feeling more active and encouraged. I hope this year the spring season will boost my healthy living efforts as has happened in the past, yet I have missed the last few years.
The pets are doing pretty well. Millie had a slobbery fit after her flea treatment was applied. Iroh was not concerned at all. Shocker. Fio got a bath and is delightfully fluffy, although the sappy pine bombs have curtailed his cleanliness.
Been feeling productive in the kitchen of late. I made some yummy stuffed peppers, baked banana bran muffins, and tomorrow am making my favorite soup, beef 'n barley. Later on I'm making a good ole fashioned pot pie-yum! So much better than frozen pot pie. I pity anyone who has never had homemade pot pie! One of our favorites.
While I've been able to reduce my coffee intake, chocolate intake has spiked lately... Two walks per day may be quite necessary!
Monday, April 7, 2014
April. April Already!
Dawning on me that it is April. Next month is road trip and a graduation party. Then June is a Vegas trip and July is a big BBQ and Warrior Dash 5k. I'm feeling some pressure and with the pressure comes self-judgement.
Whew. Deep breaths. Freaking out isn't going to get me anywhere except stuck in bed til 10:00 AM!
Instead, I need to be kind. I need to know that I am fine just as I am. I want to jog more, start doing yoga again, and feel better but I know that it won't happen if I harp on myself. Negativity doesn't breed positive results. I've played that game in the past! I can bully myself into making some changes, maybe lose some weight and exercise but it falls apart when I realize that I don't like myself any more than I did before.
So, instead, I will be kind to myself. I will remind myself that I am good, worthwhile, and loved. Keeping in mind that healthy diet and exercise is not a punishment but a blessing, a kindness extended by me to me to improve my life-because I am worth it.
No pressure. Just acceptance, love, and hope. In that theme, I won't set any goals. I'll simply BE and explore what I am capable of, what I can achieve, and what new, healthier food I can experience.
Hopefully, I can fit into some shorts before I start sweltering in the Vegas heat and hopefully I can strengthen my back muscles before a cross-continental car trip, but if not, I'm still okay.
Deep breaths. Let's see what this Hannah can do!
Whew. Deep breaths. Freaking out isn't going to get me anywhere except stuck in bed til 10:00 AM!
Instead, I need to be kind. I need to know that I am fine just as I am. I want to jog more, start doing yoga again, and feel better but I know that it won't happen if I harp on myself. Negativity doesn't breed positive results. I've played that game in the past! I can bully myself into making some changes, maybe lose some weight and exercise but it falls apart when I realize that I don't like myself any more than I did before.
So, instead, I will be kind to myself. I will remind myself that I am good, worthwhile, and loved. Keeping in mind that healthy diet and exercise is not a punishment but a blessing, a kindness extended by me to me to improve my life-because I am worth it.
No pressure. Just acceptance, love, and hope. In that theme, I won't set any goals. I'll simply BE and explore what I am capable of, what I can achieve, and what new, healthier food I can experience.
Hopefully, I can fit into some shorts before I start sweltering in the Vegas heat and hopefully I can strengthen my back muscles before a cross-continental car trip, but if not, I'm still okay.
Deep breaths. Let's see what this Hannah can do!
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Here We Go!
Today is the last day of 2013 and I feel as if I am slipping off the top of a slide, just off the safe plateau, and slipping down into a free fall!
Change comes whether we want it to or not, and even though I like the "idea" of change, actually falling into the process of change and working toward goals for 2014 is scaring me... I'm afraid of backsliding, I'm afraid of failing, I'm afraid of the disappointment.
I have come a long way in 2013 and I don't want to lose that ground, but at the same time I want more. It seems that reaching for more involves risking what you've already got! Life is a gamble.
And this year, 2014, I am rolling the dice!
I don't usually make New Year's resolutions-after all, I put pressure on myself all year 'round, what's so special about a resolution? But this year, the hubby and I (he's a fan of resolutions) have been talking a lot about a "year of change." So here's what we're working on this year.....
1) Health
Continuing health improvements of the mental AND physical variety. Contributing to this goal we have a newly acquired pedometer (neatly lashed to my wrist) and a pending diet to begin after the hubby's birthday Jan. 1st (come on, a man needs a fatty steak for his 28th birthday). Personally I am working on writing more and establishing a schedule to compliment my health goals. We also have a pending "Warrior Dash" on the books for July that we need to get in shape for in order to save face and have more fun.
2) Finances
We've been carrying a lot of revolving debt and this year we want to actually shoot down some credit cards and up the savings (like we've talked about and never really gotten around to before). We're also interested in saving up for a down payment on some sort of abode to stabilize our monthly housing costs and create our first permanent home.
In a somewhat direct way this all funnels toward starting a family and getting to a place where we feel healthy enough and financially stable enough to embark upon parenthood. That said, we're still in the planning stages. With my major depression issues of 2012 not so far behind us and a few major bumps in 2013 still shadowing my memory I see a lot of work to be done mothering myself before I leap toward mothering a new little being.
I guess that sums up our resolutions/goals.
It all seems pretty usual when I type it out, I'm sure lots of people share these goals, but it presents a challenge for us and for the first time in a very long time I feel like taking challenges on! And that's worth acknowledging, I do think.
So I'll raise a brew to a better year than the year before and an even better year to come, challenges and all.
Let's do this!
Happy New Year everyone! May it be a year of change and a year of wellness for all :)
Change comes whether we want it to or not, and even though I like the "idea" of change, actually falling into the process of change and working toward goals for 2014 is scaring me... I'm afraid of backsliding, I'm afraid of failing, I'm afraid of the disappointment.
I have come a long way in 2013 and I don't want to lose that ground, but at the same time I want more. It seems that reaching for more involves risking what you've already got! Life is a gamble.
And this year, 2014, I am rolling the dice!
I don't usually make New Year's resolutions-after all, I put pressure on myself all year 'round, what's so special about a resolution? But this year, the hubby and I (he's a fan of resolutions) have been talking a lot about a "year of change." So here's what we're working on this year.....
1) Health
Continuing health improvements of the mental AND physical variety. Contributing to this goal we have a newly acquired pedometer (neatly lashed to my wrist) and a pending diet to begin after the hubby's birthday Jan. 1st (come on, a man needs a fatty steak for his 28th birthday). Personally I am working on writing more and establishing a schedule to compliment my health goals. We also have a pending "Warrior Dash" on the books for July that we need to get in shape for in order to save face and have more fun.
2) Finances
We've been carrying a lot of revolving debt and this year we want to actually shoot down some credit cards and up the savings (like we've talked about and never really gotten around to before). We're also interested in saving up for a down payment on some sort of abode to stabilize our monthly housing costs and create our first permanent home.
In a somewhat direct way this all funnels toward starting a family and getting to a place where we feel healthy enough and financially stable enough to embark upon parenthood. That said, we're still in the planning stages. With my major depression issues of 2012 not so far behind us and a few major bumps in 2013 still shadowing my memory I see a lot of work to be done mothering myself before I leap toward mothering a new little being.
I guess that sums up our resolutions/goals.
It all seems pretty usual when I type it out, I'm sure lots of people share these goals, but it presents a challenge for us and for the first time in a very long time I feel like taking challenges on! And that's worth acknowledging, I do think.
So I'll raise a brew to a better year than the year before and an even better year to come, challenges and all.
Let's do this!
Happy New Year everyone! May it be a year of change and a year of wellness for all :)
Friday, November 1, 2013
Friday Roller Coaster
Today was my IUD removal and while the procedure itself wasn't noteworthy, the experience and my reaction is worth mentioning.
My appointment was at 10:00 am and I really didn't want to get out of bed. Mostly because I slept better those few hours after the hubby left than I have all week! While I didn't eat a good breakfast (munched a piece of dry toast) I did feed and pill the cats, feed and poop the dog, and remember to down a few ibuprofen before the appointment-just in case.
The wait was usual, about ten minutes past my appointment time. Of course, they had me wait nearly another ten minutes after I had undressed from the waist down. So nice how they request you get indecent and then make you wait around, awkwardly bare-ass on the paper lined exam table with a perfectly proportioned-to-be-useless scrap of drape.
I was happy to see the same nurse I had last time. She was cheerful and witty and generally pleasant. My DO on the other hand seemed skeptical with a veneer of supportive doctor. Not exactly the type of supportive provider I'm used to having.
Before the procedure the DO chatted a bit, made sure I was ready to go type of thing. She mentioned some of her colleagues had seen positive changes for their patients after removing hormonal birth control from their systems, that even the low doses of progesterone had affected their moods. But the main gist of her spiel was Natural Family Planning, Fertility Awareness Method or any other sympto-thermal birth control is basically playing with a loaded gun.
I suppose if I said we were planning to augment our natural birth control with barrier methods she would've been appeased, but I just didn't feel like saying the word "condoms." She on the other hand kept coming back to it and I felt like a teenager being scared off sex by the threat of unplanned pregnancies.
While she said some supportive things, the overall feeling I got was she expected me back with an unplanned pregnancy very soon. Not exactly what I would call supportive.
Anyways, the procedure was seamless. No signs that my device was embedded at all. All I felt was the usual speculum ratcheting and a little crampy traction as she pulled the IUD out by it's strings with forceps. Nothing worse than an annual exam when they tickle your cervix with the fuzzy tipped tools and spatulas.
I remember her parting words tinged with warning, almost like a schoolmarm shaking her finger at the kiddies playing rough at recess, "You are fertile as of today."
I don't doubt that I made the right decision. I feel better already knowing that my uterus is unoccupied and while I'm a little nervous about the increased risk of unplanned pregnancy I'm excited to be hormone free. But the doctor's words and attitude, intended or not, greatly affected me and my mood, sending me on an emotional roller coaster after my appointment.
At first I was simply befuddled. I was happy, already feeling better noticing my nearly daily cramps subsiding but also angry and frustrated, hurt by my doctor's words and confused at my reaction. I felt insulted, I felt scared, I felt doubt and doubted.
Poor hubby, he walked in home from work and became a lightning rod for all my turbulent emotions. He played his cards right and got me out on a walk, historically a tried and true method for rooting out problems and getting me talking. By the time we showered I had ranted and raged to a point when I began to get a grip on my thoughts.
Unfortunately part of my process involved snapping at the hubster like a handful of Snap-n-Pops and eventually I burrowed into a pile of blankets to finish reflecting on my own and eased into a lovely afternoon nap.
Here's what I came up with.
I think I'm in the midst of a big "growing up" phase and still learning to make my own decisions and take responsibility for my own actions. I first started taking oral contraceptives at my mother's bidding (from what I remember I was 15 1/2 or 16) in order to rein in my heavy flow. I don't regret taking those pills or hold it against my mom for putting me on them, but I don't think it was really my decision. I don't think I was mature or educated enough to make that decision at 16.
Without me knowing it, decided to have my IUD removed and having the procedure done brought back those teenage memories. The doctor's skeptical words triggered my insecurities and I fell into an eddy of self-doubt and anxiety. Years of following Mom's orders (spoken and implied) has insulated me from consequences and ownership. Today marked the beginning of a new era.
I'm going against my indoctrination, society's message that smart, modern women use birth control and have careers while babies are a secondary goal relegated to your thirties, after you've polished a cookie cutter home to Better Homes and Gardens standards. That message has been floating around in my psyche for years and the birth control pills I started taking as a teenager just reinforced the programming.
Brene Brown's books are a good resource when hashing out these internal schemas. She mentions something along the lines that once our minds form certain beliefs, they begin interpreting the world in a way to support those beliefs, good or bad. Well, getting this IUD removed and going "granola" AKA hormone-free goes against what I've lived towards for many years.
I'm on the cusp of releasing those old beliefs and creating my own world. Without trust, faith, and confidence in myself it sure makes for a rough transition! The doctor's doubts spoke to my own insecurities and set my panic center into overdrive. I'm the only one who knows what's best for me and it's my responsibility to myself to do what's in my best interest and advocate for my rights to do so.
But boy, this path comes with some tall hurdles! I have to process the anger and betrayal I feel toward myself, my family, and my society. I need to cultivate and protect my self-trust, self-respect, self-confidence, and self-esteem. I need to develop coping techniques to process judgement and doubt, from internal and external sources.
A lot of changes on the horizon, and I'm not just talking about my uterus. ;)
My appointment was at 10:00 am and I really didn't want to get out of bed. Mostly because I slept better those few hours after the hubby left than I have all week! While I didn't eat a good breakfast (munched a piece of dry toast) I did feed and pill the cats, feed and poop the dog, and remember to down a few ibuprofen before the appointment-just in case.
The wait was usual, about ten minutes past my appointment time. Of course, they had me wait nearly another ten minutes after I had undressed from the waist down. So nice how they request you get indecent and then make you wait around, awkwardly bare-ass on the paper lined exam table with a perfectly proportioned-to-be-useless scrap of drape.
I was happy to see the same nurse I had last time. She was cheerful and witty and generally pleasant. My DO on the other hand seemed skeptical with a veneer of supportive doctor. Not exactly the type of supportive provider I'm used to having.
I suppose if I said we were planning to augment our natural birth control with barrier methods she would've been appeased, but I just didn't feel like saying the word "condoms." She on the other hand kept coming back to it and I felt like a teenager being scared off sex by the threat of unplanned pregnancies.
While she said some supportive things, the overall feeling I got was she expected me back with an unplanned pregnancy very soon. Not exactly what I would call supportive.
Anyways, the procedure was seamless. No signs that my device was embedded at all. All I felt was the usual speculum ratcheting and a little crampy traction as she pulled the IUD out by it's strings with forceps. Nothing worse than an annual exam when they tickle your cervix with the fuzzy tipped tools and spatulas.
I remember her parting words tinged with warning, almost like a schoolmarm shaking her finger at the kiddies playing rough at recess, "You are fertile as of today."
I don't doubt that I made the right decision. I feel better already knowing that my uterus is unoccupied and while I'm a little nervous about the increased risk of unplanned pregnancy I'm excited to be hormone free. But the doctor's words and attitude, intended or not, greatly affected me and my mood, sending me on an emotional roller coaster after my appointment.
At first I was simply befuddled. I was happy, already feeling better noticing my nearly daily cramps subsiding but also angry and frustrated, hurt by my doctor's words and confused at my reaction. I felt insulted, I felt scared, I felt doubt and doubted.
Poor hubby, he walked in home from work and became a lightning rod for all my turbulent emotions. He played his cards right and got me out on a walk, historically a tried and true method for rooting out problems and getting me talking. By the time we showered I had ranted and raged to a point when I began to get a grip on my thoughts.
Unfortunately part of my process involved snapping at the hubster like a handful of Snap-n-Pops and eventually I burrowed into a pile of blankets to finish reflecting on my own and eased into a lovely afternoon nap.Here's what I came up with.
I think I'm in the midst of a big "growing up" phase and still learning to make my own decisions and take responsibility for my own actions. I first started taking oral contraceptives at my mother's bidding (from what I remember I was 15 1/2 or 16) in order to rein in my heavy flow. I don't regret taking those pills or hold it against my mom for putting me on them, but I don't think it was really my decision. I don't think I was mature or educated enough to make that decision at 16.
Without me knowing it, decided to have my IUD removed and having the procedure done brought back those teenage memories. The doctor's skeptical words triggered my insecurities and I fell into an eddy of self-doubt and anxiety. Years of following Mom's orders (spoken and implied) has insulated me from consequences and ownership. Today marked the beginning of a new era.
I'm going against my indoctrination, society's message that smart, modern women use birth control and have careers while babies are a secondary goal relegated to your thirties, after you've polished a cookie cutter home to Better Homes and Gardens standards. That message has been floating around in my psyche for years and the birth control pills I started taking as a teenager just reinforced the programming.
 |
| NYMag.com article photo. Sure, I'm pro gender equality, but I hate the pressure I feel to "wear the pants" to do right by women's lib instead of doing what's right for me, whatever gender role my dreams may fit! |
I'm on the cusp of releasing those old beliefs and creating my own world. Without trust, faith, and confidence in myself it sure makes for a rough transition! The doctor's doubts spoke to my own insecurities and set my panic center into overdrive. I'm the only one who knows what's best for me and it's my responsibility to myself to do what's in my best interest and advocate for my rights to do so.
But boy, this path comes with some tall hurdles! I have to process the anger and betrayal I feel toward myself, my family, and my society. I need to cultivate and protect my self-trust, self-respect, self-confidence, and self-esteem. I need to develop coping techniques to process judgement and doubt, from internal and external sources.
A lot of changes on the horizon, and I'm not just talking about my uterus. ;)
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Begone BlogHer!
I have officially given up on BlogHer and deleted that account. After the tech-guy (aka the hubby) couldn't figure out how to make it work better for me, I asked an admin to delete my account.
It was quite stressful for me. Feeling like a failure, having to ask for help, having to ask for help again. But now that it's over, I'm relieved.
It seems like a great service and platform for many women bloggers, but it didn't feel right to me. The main issue was not being able to link my blog with that service and then having to copy and paste to repost in BlogHer. It was a pain and their blogging service was cruddy. So I will stick with Blogger! The hubby is a fan of WordPress, but I don't think I could handle that change right now, especially considering all the changes I have just made...
The blog has been repainted and I started up a Twitter to match! The whole process is just about complete and I think it'll stick for a good while. It did get me thinking about exposure though, which is a tricky thing for me.
Yes, I started this blog just for myself without expecting many visitors or readers but now that I've been blogging for a couple years and have racked up a few comments and followers I have been thinking more about my public face. It's kind of funny, as much as I think and speak out about stigma and mental illness, I'm afraid to walk the walk! I'm afraid of my real-world Hannah and my Hannah Bananaface realm colliding.
As far as my personal life, I don't really care. I don't have much of a personal life outside this apartment and those friends that I do have are supportive. My family... I don't know. There is a big tradition of shame in my family and while I'm pretty sure my siblings couldn't care less I'm afraid my parents would be concerned. Embarrassed and concerned about my job prospects down the line if a potential employer were to discover the blog.
Which boils everything down to why I started blogging the first place, mental health. It's the poison in the water, the content that makes the blog "touchy." Mental health is the reason I'm afraid to step out of my shell for fear of my clients and potential clients thinking less of me.
The hubster did a good job of reassuring me. Letting me know that I'm not "that crazy." I'm not a danger to myself or others, so what should anyone care? But I have to consider the fact that clients might not want to work with someone who has anxiety issues or depression. It has never conflicted with my work as a doula and I'm remarkably good at stowing my private issues away to jump into doula action when needed, but that might not matter to certain people. Certain people don't want to be around anybody "mental" at all.
Well, I guess if they don't want to be around me, I won't be around them! I'll have to have faith that things will work out and most people won't ever link me to this blog or read Hannah Bananaface. Let's face it, I'm a small fish in a big, big pond! Maybe I'm not perfectly anonymous, but I'll run the risk of ripples in my personal life to preserve my blogging life. After all, I see HBF more than I see most of my friends and family ;)
So here I come world, a-Twittering and a-blogging to my heart's content!
It was quite stressful for me. Feeling like a failure, having to ask for help, having to ask for help again. But now that it's over, I'm relieved.
It seems like a great service and platform for many women bloggers, but it didn't feel right to me. The main issue was not being able to link my blog with that service and then having to copy and paste to repost in BlogHer. It was a pain and their blogging service was cruddy. So I will stick with Blogger! The hubby is a fan of WordPress, but I don't think I could handle that change right now, especially considering all the changes I have just made...
The blog has been repainted and I started up a Twitter to match! The whole process is just about complete and I think it'll stick for a good while. It did get me thinking about exposure though, which is a tricky thing for me.
Yes, I started this blog just for myself without expecting many visitors or readers but now that I've been blogging for a couple years and have racked up a few comments and followers I have been thinking more about my public face. It's kind of funny, as much as I think and speak out about stigma and mental illness, I'm afraid to walk the walk! I'm afraid of my real-world Hannah and my Hannah Bananaface realm colliding.
As far as my personal life, I don't really care. I don't have much of a personal life outside this apartment and those friends that I do have are supportive. My family... I don't know. There is a big tradition of shame in my family and while I'm pretty sure my siblings couldn't care less I'm afraid my parents would be concerned. Embarrassed and concerned about my job prospects down the line if a potential employer were to discover the blog.
Which boils everything down to why I started blogging the first place, mental health. It's the poison in the water, the content that makes the blog "touchy." Mental health is the reason I'm afraid to step out of my shell for fear of my clients and potential clients thinking less of me.
The hubster did a good job of reassuring me. Letting me know that I'm not "that crazy." I'm not a danger to myself or others, so what should anyone care? But I have to consider the fact that clients might not want to work with someone who has anxiety issues or depression. It has never conflicted with my work as a doula and I'm remarkably good at stowing my private issues away to jump into doula action when needed, but that might not matter to certain people. Certain people don't want to be around anybody "mental" at all.
Well, I guess if they don't want to be around me, I won't be around them! I'll have to have faith that things will work out and most people won't ever link me to this blog or read Hannah Bananaface. Let's face it, I'm a small fish in a big, big pond! Maybe I'm not perfectly anonymous, but I'll run the risk of ripples in my personal life to preserve my blogging life. After all, I see HBF more than I see most of my friends and family ;)
So here I come world, a-Twittering and a-blogging to my heart's content!
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Taking Off Old Band-Aids
Over a month ago I received a F'book message from my cousin, M. I'm not sure quite how long it had been since we last saw each other but we guesstimated a year and a half. I think it had been nearly as long since I'd spoken to him or my aunt or vice versa, so definitely a bit of growing apart that so often happens in life.
I've written about my family dynamic a few times but it bears repeating or rehashing as I'm still in the midst of figuring all my feelings out and it's part of what is happening in my life lately.
Remembering my childhood I recall a lot of discussion about family. Mostly about how my immediate family wasn't very close to my relatives (usually as a response to me and my siblings' jealousy of other family units).
We saw my dad's side of the family a few times a year, and after my grandparents died usually only once a year at the family gift exchange and maybe at our family's 4th of July BBQ. We saw my mom's side of the family more often and the only relatives I recall ever "being close" to were my Aunt S and cousin M.
Aunt S and cousin M were the relatives I remember coming to graduations, seeing around the holidays, going to fairs with during the fall and summer, or just getting together with for games or a dinner party. M was the only cousin I remember really getting to know, being excited to see, or feel that knew me at all.
In addition to my blood family there are some close family friends that I consider family. My childhood neighbors R & I, and their daughter D and her husband P. My mother's best friend from college K and her children were like an extra aunt and cousins to me as well. My mother's teacher friend S and her family are also important to me and have been a great source of support for our family. For the most part I saw these people more often than relatives growing up.
I would say the status quo for my family involved seeing my Aunt S and cousin M several times a year, my other relatives a couple times a year, and my extra family friends often throughout the year. I remember being about 16 or 17 when I felt things beginning to change.
I don't know what the overarching story for my family was during this time, but for me I was growing up and getting new perspective (not accurate or good or bad, just new) and whether related or not, feeling and dealing with my depression for the first time.
From the middle of high school through college and even today I felt immense sadness for my Aunt S and for my family. With my depression and anxiety it quickly became overwhelming to see my Aunt S. I could not stand the sadness and despair I felt around her. Why so sad? Because my aunt is a chain smoker and killing herself. It sounds cliche but she has multiple surgeries under her belt, a cancer scare, difficulties walking and has never (to my knowledge) stopped smoking. Slowly I began to see less and less of Aunt S until we no longer knew how to talk to each other. It hurts me very much and I'm crying typing this, but that's what has happened. In turn, I saw much much less of my cousin M as well.
To complicate an already complicated transition period from childhood relationship to adult relationship, my other cousin J reappeared after nearly a decade absence. Where was he? Well, I had been led to assume he was in Bali but he was in prison. There was never a sit down discussion about this just secrecy, lying, and withholding information. In the end I found out from a friend of my aunt's, afterward that friend told my aunt what she had told me and Aunt S started talking about J like I knew the whole story, but she never told me herself. Eventually my mom apologized for not figuring out a way to tell me after I grew up (he initially went away when I was in grade school) but it's still a taboo and most of what she told me felt like a therapy session for her not a dialogue. So yeah.
I understand not telling the whole truth to a child, but withholding that information through high school and college, never discussing it... It really stung me. I suppose all the years I had been so close to my mom and aunt made it sting all the worse. Especially when the close relationship I had with my mom was a confusing codependency where I was sometimes made to feel like a companion or co-parent instead of a daughter, but that's a whole 'nother crazy story!
Basically, the relationship with my aunt and cousin started a downhill slide years ago was further complicated by my sense of betrayal over my invisible cousin J and then (from what I gather) further hindered by arguments and grudges between my mom, aunt, and their brother. What's all that amount to? A whole lot of distance, words unsaid, closeted feelings, and awkwardness.
So where does that put me today? Well, today I saw my cousin for the first time in over a year, maybe closer to two years. We walked Green Lake and caught up on each other's lives (he's moving out of the state soon and engaged to be married which kinda helped spur contacting me outta the blue) and while I tried to keep my cool, I cried a bit.
Things are still as confusing as ever. Our mothers aren't talking and he doesn't know what happened between them just as I have no clue. But solving our family's issues wasn't what I took from the visit. What struck me were the parallels between me and my cousin.
Both of us are in that marrying stage of life, he's engaged and I'm a newlywed. Both of us are working on ourselves, our emotional issues, our baggage, our relationships and thinking about kids. Both of us carry specific struggles with our moms, more precisely issues being typecast as "primary support person" instead of simply daughter or son. And both of us seem to desire that family we never had, or at least the family we miss having.
I wouldn't say there was any resolution to anything this afternoon, it certainly left me in an emotional tizzy! But I think it was important and valuable to see my cousin and have him tell me he loves me and tell him I love him too. I don't know where things go from here. All I know is I'm sad, I'm glad, I'm worried, I'm anxious, but I'm trying to simply be and remember that I can't help anyone until I help myself and I can't help anyone that won't help themselves first. M and I reiterated that numerous times today, "It's not our jobs to fix everything!" Ha!
Right now, I'm still reeling. I haven't had a therapist for a couple months now so sorting through my family issues had taken a back burner before being thrown in the fire today! But I've felt the sadness, worried about the relationship between my brother and sister and myself, wondered what type of support system my children will have, or I would have as a mother. I've felt lonely and today brought that back to the surface for me. Sure, it hurts and it makes me cry but I don't think it's a bad thing.
As an adult I've come to realize that families are always changing even though we like to think of them as stationary, reliable things they may actually be more like living, breathing entities. I can't say I know what a "functional" family looks like (then again, who does?) but I'm starting to see that a healthy family requires nourishment, exercise, and care just like any other living thing.
Feelings will be hurt, contact waxes and wanes, but love remains. A lot of families are out of practice, a lot of families don't quite have a language with which to conduct repairs and improvements, but the simple act of thinking, caring, and trying is worth the while. I may fail, I may be rebuked, I may be hurt, but the close family I want and miss isn't going to fall out of the sky. It's only as close as I'm willing to reach.
So I'll try. It may mean baby steps, it may mean popping a Xanax and charging into unknown territory, but I owe it to myself and the ones I love to try.
In other news, I saw Dave Matthews today without realizing it. Kind of a creepy moment while waiting for drinks at Starbucks. My initial reaction was, "Eek!" and thinking he was a hobo with a Dave Matthews complex wanting me to say he looked like Dave Matthews (had some grey-faced gauntness happening) but after the excited titters once he left I realized that was no hobo! That was Dave Matthews!
Fio goes to the groomer Friday bright and early (good grief I hope he kicks these "allergies" soon!) and Iroh has something funny stuck to his ear that I've yet to wash off (and the parenting award goes to...) and Millie came out of the catbox with litter on her nose recently. That pleased me, in a "ha, that's what you get!" sort of way. :)
I've written about my family dynamic a few times but it bears repeating or rehashing as I'm still in the midst of figuring all my feelings out and it's part of what is happening in my life lately.
Remembering my childhood I recall a lot of discussion about family. Mostly about how my immediate family wasn't very close to my relatives (usually as a response to me and my siblings' jealousy of other family units).
We saw my dad's side of the family a few times a year, and after my grandparents died usually only once a year at the family gift exchange and maybe at our family's 4th of July BBQ. We saw my mom's side of the family more often and the only relatives I recall ever "being close" to were my Aunt S and cousin M.
Aunt S and cousin M were the relatives I remember coming to graduations, seeing around the holidays, going to fairs with during the fall and summer, or just getting together with for games or a dinner party. M was the only cousin I remember really getting to know, being excited to see, or feel that knew me at all.In addition to my blood family there are some close family friends that I consider family. My childhood neighbors R & I, and their daughter D and her husband P. My mother's best friend from college K and her children were like an extra aunt and cousins to me as well. My mother's teacher friend S and her family are also important to me and have been a great source of support for our family. For the most part I saw these people more often than relatives growing up.
I would say the status quo for my family involved seeing my Aunt S and cousin M several times a year, my other relatives a couple times a year, and my extra family friends often throughout the year. I remember being about 16 or 17 when I felt things beginning to change.
I don't know what the overarching story for my family was during this time, but for me I was growing up and getting new perspective (not accurate or good or bad, just new) and whether related or not, feeling and dealing with my depression for the first time.
From the middle of high school through college and even today I felt immense sadness for my Aunt S and for my family. With my depression and anxiety it quickly became overwhelming to see my Aunt S. I could not stand the sadness and despair I felt around her. Why so sad? Because my aunt is a chain smoker and killing herself. It sounds cliche but she has multiple surgeries under her belt, a cancer scare, difficulties walking and has never (to my knowledge) stopped smoking. Slowly I began to see less and less of Aunt S until we no longer knew how to talk to each other. It hurts me very much and I'm crying typing this, but that's what has happened. In turn, I saw much much less of my cousin M as well.
To complicate an already complicated transition period from childhood relationship to adult relationship, my other cousin J reappeared after nearly a decade absence. Where was he? Well, I had been led to assume he was in Bali but he was in prison. There was never a sit down discussion about this just secrecy, lying, and withholding information. In the end I found out from a friend of my aunt's, afterward that friend told my aunt what she had told me and Aunt S started talking about J like I knew the whole story, but she never told me herself. Eventually my mom apologized for not figuring out a way to tell me after I grew up (he initially went away when I was in grade school) but it's still a taboo and most of what she told me felt like a therapy session for her not a dialogue. So yeah.
I understand not telling the whole truth to a child, but withholding that information through high school and college, never discussing it... It really stung me. I suppose all the years I had been so close to my mom and aunt made it sting all the worse. Especially when the close relationship I had with my mom was a confusing codependency where I was sometimes made to feel like a companion or co-parent instead of a daughter, but that's a whole 'nother crazy story!
Basically, the relationship with my aunt and cousin started a downhill slide years ago was further complicated by my sense of betrayal over my invisible cousin J and then (from what I gather) further hindered by arguments and grudges between my mom, aunt, and their brother. What's all that amount to? A whole lot of distance, words unsaid, closeted feelings, and awkwardness.
So where does that put me today? Well, today I saw my cousin for the first time in over a year, maybe closer to two years. We walked Green Lake and caught up on each other's lives (he's moving out of the state soon and engaged to be married which kinda helped spur contacting me outta the blue) and while I tried to keep my cool, I cried a bit.
Things are still as confusing as ever. Our mothers aren't talking and he doesn't know what happened between them just as I have no clue. But solving our family's issues wasn't what I took from the visit. What struck me were the parallels between me and my cousin.
Both of us are in that marrying stage of life, he's engaged and I'm a newlywed. Both of us are working on ourselves, our emotional issues, our baggage, our relationships and thinking about kids. Both of us carry specific struggles with our moms, more precisely issues being typecast as "primary support person" instead of simply daughter or son. And both of us seem to desire that family we never had, or at least the family we miss having.
I wouldn't say there was any resolution to anything this afternoon, it certainly left me in an emotional tizzy! But I think it was important and valuable to see my cousin and have him tell me he loves me and tell him I love him too. I don't know where things go from here. All I know is I'm sad, I'm glad, I'm worried, I'm anxious, but I'm trying to simply be and remember that I can't help anyone until I help myself and I can't help anyone that won't help themselves first. M and I reiterated that numerous times today, "It's not our jobs to fix everything!" Ha!
Right now, I'm still reeling. I haven't had a therapist for a couple months now so sorting through my family issues had taken a back burner before being thrown in the fire today! But I've felt the sadness, worried about the relationship between my brother and sister and myself, wondered what type of support system my children will have, or I would have as a mother. I've felt lonely and today brought that back to the surface for me. Sure, it hurts and it makes me cry but I don't think it's a bad thing.
As an adult I've come to realize that families are always changing even though we like to think of them as stationary, reliable things they may actually be more like living, breathing entities. I can't say I know what a "functional" family looks like (then again, who does?) but I'm starting to see that a healthy family requires nourishment, exercise, and care just like any other living thing.
Feelings will be hurt, contact waxes and wanes, but love remains. A lot of families are out of practice, a lot of families don't quite have a language with which to conduct repairs and improvements, but the simple act of thinking, caring, and trying is worth the while. I may fail, I may be rebuked, I may be hurt, but the close family I want and miss isn't going to fall out of the sky. It's only as close as I'm willing to reach.
So I'll try. It may mean baby steps, it may mean popping a Xanax and charging into unknown territory, but I owe it to myself and the ones I love to try.
In other news, I saw Dave Matthews today without realizing it. Kind of a creepy moment while waiting for drinks at Starbucks. My initial reaction was, "Eek!" and thinking he was a hobo with a Dave Matthews complex wanting me to say he looked like Dave Matthews (had some grey-faced gauntness happening) but after the excited titters once he left I realized that was no hobo! That was Dave Matthews!
Fio goes to the groomer Friday bright and early (good grief I hope he kicks these "allergies" soon!) and Iroh has something funny stuck to his ear that I've yet to wash off (and the parenting award goes to...) and Millie came out of the catbox with litter on her nose recently. That pleased me, in a "ha, that's what you get!" sort of way. :)
Sunday, September 22, 2013
What A Day
What a day, in a bad way! I think?
This Saturday I went to a meeting for my local doula organization, PALS. The phone message invitation I received was pretty vague and foreboding so I drove the half-hour south into downtown Seattle and tried not to let my mind run away with worst case scenarios.
The worst case scenario I envisioned? PALS was going under, my money and time commitment to certify through them would be wasted and I'd become even more isolated as a single practice doula in Snohomish County.
That I could've dealt with. Walking into a brain storm about how to save PALS and become "anti-racist" was not.
Three hours of group discussions about an issue I wasn't even aware of! Apparently a couple years back a new doula attended a meeting and was the only "doula of color" and subsequently made comments about PALS being racist and "white."
As it stands now the organization has 4 volunteer board members in over their heads and a couple of committees with 2-5 members, one of which is focused on eradicating racism. The few doula community events they host are subject to last minute day-of cancellations and overall the members just don't have the support they need and desire. They aren't a sustainable organization with only member fees for revenue and now they're reevaluating the entire organization.
A handful of volunteers for an organization supposed to be about supporting hundreds of doulas in the Puget Sound.
It's a mess.
The entire meeting I tried to wrap my head around anti-racism and how PALS became embroiled in a race overhaul in the midst of struggling to remain in existence, period. I struggled to rein myself in from breaking into "Fix-It" mode and found myself in a mental tailspin for the rest of the afternoon.
Thankfully another doula I knew at the meeting reassured me after I expressed my confusion and shock. She said, "We can only do what we can, when we can." The perfect comment for an overwhelmed Hannah.
As it stands, I can't entangle myself in the PALS debacle anytime soon. I haven't found them to be a source of support (especially since I already gave up driving to Seattle for therapy, driving there for a could-be meeting ain't on my to do list) and I've decided to look for other doula groups in Snohomish County. Not to mention ornament season is gearing up and I'm about to become very preoccupied.
I still don't know what I think about the whole mess. I still don't know what I think about "anti-racism." Apparently my certification reading list is racist and white. I had no clue! I feel a sting from the whole thing, like I'm not good enough and just because I don't spend hours contemplating race relations I am racist.
Not sure if I will ever experience resolution, this may just be a lifelong confusion for me. It sure seems like that for a lot of people.
In other news, the hubster and I have taken to removing Fio's collar at night so his licking and scratching won't be so annoying. Need to pump more Benadryl into that mutt (holy cow, hubby just got up to give Fio meds as I typed that)! Millie gave the hubster front row seats to a puking, which he was fascinated by, and Iroh has been adorable napping on the couch at all hours. Although sometimes we have to evict him since he steals the hubby's favorite spot.
I've been practicing drawing and while I still have major confidence issues I have really been enjoying the practice, even if it means covering my hands in slick graphite dust and sprinkling eraser shavings all over my desk and lap!
This Saturday I went to a meeting for my local doula organization, PALS. The phone message invitation I received was pretty vague and foreboding so I drove the half-hour south into downtown Seattle and tried not to let my mind run away with worst case scenarios.
The worst case scenario I envisioned? PALS was going under, my money and time commitment to certify through them would be wasted and I'd become even more isolated as a single practice doula in Snohomish County.
That I could've dealt with. Walking into a brain storm about how to save PALS and become "anti-racist" was not.
Three hours of group discussions about an issue I wasn't even aware of! Apparently a couple years back a new doula attended a meeting and was the only "doula of color" and subsequently made comments about PALS being racist and "white."
As it stands now the organization has 4 volunteer board members in over their heads and a couple of committees with 2-5 members, one of which is focused on eradicating racism. The few doula community events they host are subject to last minute day-of cancellations and overall the members just don't have the support they need and desire. They aren't a sustainable organization with only member fees for revenue and now they're reevaluating the entire organization.
A handful of volunteers for an organization supposed to be about supporting hundreds of doulas in the Puget Sound.
It's a mess.
The entire meeting I tried to wrap my head around anti-racism and how PALS became embroiled in a race overhaul in the midst of struggling to remain in existence, period. I struggled to rein myself in from breaking into "Fix-It" mode and found myself in a mental tailspin for the rest of the afternoon.
Thankfully another doula I knew at the meeting reassured me after I expressed my confusion and shock. She said, "We can only do what we can, when we can." The perfect comment for an overwhelmed Hannah.
As it stands, I can't entangle myself in the PALS debacle anytime soon. I haven't found them to be a source of support (especially since I already gave up driving to Seattle for therapy, driving there for a could-be meeting ain't on my to do list) and I've decided to look for other doula groups in Snohomish County. Not to mention ornament season is gearing up and I'm about to become very preoccupied.
I still don't know what I think about the whole mess. I still don't know what I think about "anti-racism." Apparently my certification reading list is racist and white. I had no clue! I feel a sting from the whole thing, like I'm not good enough and just because I don't spend hours contemplating race relations I am racist.
Not sure if I will ever experience resolution, this may just be a lifelong confusion for me. It sure seems like that for a lot of people.
In other news, the hubster and I have taken to removing Fio's collar at night so his licking and scratching won't be so annoying. Need to pump more Benadryl into that mutt (holy cow, hubby just got up to give Fio meds as I typed that)! Millie gave the hubster front row seats to a puking, which he was fascinated by, and Iroh has been adorable napping on the couch at all hours. Although sometimes we have to evict him since he steals the hubby's favorite spot.
I've been practicing drawing and while I still have major confidence issues I have really been enjoying the practice, even if it means covering my hands in slick graphite dust and sprinkling eraser shavings all over my desk and lap!
Sunday, August 4, 2013
Got Me Thinking....
Today I've been into watching "Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee" back-to-back-to-back and I was surprised to find myself getting to like some people I never thought I would: Alec Baldwin and Sarah Silverman. I guess a part of me always kinda liked them but resisted admitting to it because they come off as "bad" or "dirty."
Oh we are such complex mental creatures.
So after my binge I Googled around and found myself looking into Sarah Silverman and discovered she has been open about her own depression and I ended up reading an article like no article I'd ever seen before.
This article.
I don't agree with all of it, but the topic is one I can relate to and haven't yet looked into myself, outside personal conversations and consideration. Should depressed people (or those with other mental disorders or health conditions) have children? Not only for the risk of passing on the pain but also the risk of exposing that child to the parent's pain.
I've thought about this and talked to my husband about it too, should someone like me have children? Should I risk bestowing this struggle to another generation? Deep inside I still waver. The louder voice says, "Have kids, you want to, you've planned to for as long as you can remember. Follow your heart. Just do it." Then another voice *ahems* into the conversation with wibbly wobbly objection and fear.
I guess there will always be the chance my kids have issues with depression. There will always be a chance that they see this part of me, that I relapse and they experience my episodes and it impacts their lives for better or worse.
There's always the chance that the world will end in a fiery (howinthehelldidIspellthatrightthefirstime?) ball of meteoric fury and my children will be burned into piles of ash within seconds at any moment.
There's always a chance.
For better or worse.
Do I live in fear or embrace love and live in hope?
Oh we are such complex mental creatures.
So after my binge I Googled around and found myself looking into Sarah Silverman and discovered she has been open about her own depression and I ended up reading an article like no article I'd ever seen before.
This article.
I don't agree with all of it, but the topic is one I can relate to and haven't yet looked into myself, outside personal conversations and consideration. Should depressed people (or those with other mental disorders or health conditions) have children? Not only for the risk of passing on the pain but also the risk of exposing that child to the parent's pain.
I've thought about this and talked to my husband about it too, should someone like me have children? Should I risk bestowing this struggle to another generation? Deep inside I still waver. The louder voice says, "Have kids, you want to, you've planned to for as long as you can remember. Follow your heart. Just do it." Then another voice *ahems* into the conversation with wibbly wobbly objection and fear.
I guess there will always be the chance my kids have issues with depression. There will always be a chance that they see this part of me, that I relapse and they experience my episodes and it impacts their lives for better or worse.
There's always the chance that the world will end in a fiery (howinthehelldidIspellthatrightthefirstime?) ball of meteoric fury and my children will be burned into piles of ash within seconds at any moment.
There's always a chance.
For better or worse.
Do I live in fear or embrace love and live in hope?
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Tired!
I can't believe how tired I was last night! And here I am up before 10 am!
It was the kind of tired where I have really radical dreams and float in and out of consciousness and sleeping like a rock so that I have no idea how long I really slept, only that I was dreaming crazy and up at least three times last night.
Why so tired?
It was a looooong Friday for us!
As I mentioned, the hubster had an interview down south and Fio and I tagged along. We were up before 7 am, on the road around 8 am and in OR by noon. The big show was at 2 pm so we had a little bit of time to cruise the area and check out the local Fred Meyers (BIG POINTS-it was gorgeous).
While he was doing his thing the dog and I walked, chillaxed with a book, and eventually did a little sight-seeing and shopping.
FOR OVER 3 HOURS.
Seriously. I thought they were checking his teeth or sequencing his DNA or something.
To add tiring factors it hit 71 degrees! Fio was panting nearly all day long and the both of us couldn't get enough of that new car AC.
He didn't walk out with an offer as I had expected after such a long interview but he did do some secret agent work and found out that his competition was there earlier that day and his interview didn't last quite 2 hours.
Good sign, maybe?
We loved the neighborhood and even though the company seems dead set against handing out relocation funds we're still very interested.
Maybe I'm to see the hubby eat ramen for a week!
It was the kind of tired where I have really radical dreams and float in and out of consciousness and sleeping like a rock so that I have no idea how long I really slept, only that I was dreaming crazy and up at least three times last night.
Why so tired?
It was a looooong Friday for us!
As I mentioned, the hubster had an interview down south and Fio and I tagged along. We were up before 7 am, on the road around 8 am and in OR by noon. The big show was at 2 pm so we had a little bit of time to cruise the area and check out the local Fred Meyers (BIG POINTS-it was gorgeous).
While he was doing his thing the dog and I walked, chillaxed with a book, and eventually did a little sight-seeing and shopping.
FOR OVER 3 HOURS.
Seriously. I thought they were checking his teeth or sequencing his DNA or something.
To add tiring factors it hit 71 degrees! Fio was panting nearly all day long and the both of us couldn't get enough of that new car AC.
He didn't walk out with an offer as I had expected after such a long interview but he did do some secret agent work and found out that his competition was there earlier that day and his interview didn't last quite 2 hours.
Good sign, maybe?
We loved the neighborhood and even though the company seems dead set against handing out relocation funds we're still very interested.
Maybe I'm to see the hubby eat ramen for a week!
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Little Bit Of Everything
March has been a slow blogging month for me but that's not for lack of material!
I started off the month with that dastardly boil throwing a wrench into my week after my check-up with a new primary care doc at Everett Clinic. I had to cancel my PAWS shift because I couldn't walk any useful length!
That painful speed bump cleared up just in time for me and the hubby to head south for my mom's 50th birthday. It was a Bunco party and I enjoyed seeing some old friends but it's still odd hanging out with my mom and her friends when they're drinkin' and partying!
Turns out the hubster digs Bunco. Who would've thought? We decided if/when we have a moving party we'll make it a Bunco-themed shindig.
Speaking of moving... Tomorrow the hub, myself, and Fio are heading south, south to Hillsboro, OR, outside of Portland for an in-person 3rd interview with a dental company!
We have been mulling over the idea of moving down there and are going to give the town a thorough once-over tomorrow morning before his interview.
We've felt good about this prospect and are anticipating moving very soon. Of course, as excited as we are, we are just as anxious. Breaking our lease, paying for a moving truck, packing everything up and completing the move with 3 pets is a daunting task for us!
I'm nervous about feeling more isolated in a new town with absolutely 0 contacts. I already feel isolated here! Without a job, family, or many friends nearby it's basically me and my pets with a smattering of interactions with strangers.
I will say there is the occasional spark of social activity! On Tuesday I went to a fellow PersonalizedFree.com's home for lunch and chatting and hanging out. I thoroughly enjoyed myself and will gobble up the Thai leftovers she sent me home with shortly... *yum*
Further news! I had a dermatology appointment yesterday and have started a prescription acne treatment with antibiotics and a RX cream. I am going to do some more research on it, but I really liked my ARNP and nurse at the clinic and am feeling good about things so far :)
Further, further news! I'm not convinced of my depression diagnosis anymore.
Crazy, eh?
I'm reading Eric Maisel's writing about "Natural Psychology" and the concept that while biological depression does exist, it is quite often over-diagnosed due to misguided expectations about the nature of life.
Sure, I'm sure I've been biologically depressed before but right now, I feel like my main issue is psychological. I don't look at the world in a healthy, helpful way. I have very negative thought patterns and I don't have any driving force or reason to my life.
I'm reading and learning and going to do some work on this to try and unearth a purpose for my existence. More to follow-this'll be quite the undertaking!
In the meantime, I'm swallowing loads of pills everyday including: Vitamin D, Vitamin B Complex, Magnesium, Multi-Vitamin, Seroquel, Lexapro, thyroid meds, and now acne meds! I feel like a reverse-gumball machine.
I started off the month with that dastardly boil throwing a wrench into my week after my check-up with a new primary care doc at Everett Clinic. I had to cancel my PAWS shift because I couldn't walk any useful length!
That painful speed bump cleared up just in time for me and the hubby to head south for my mom's 50th birthday. It was a Bunco party and I enjoyed seeing some old friends but it's still odd hanging out with my mom and her friends when they're drinkin' and partying!
Turns out the hubster digs Bunco. Who would've thought? We decided if/when we have a moving party we'll make it a Bunco-themed shindig.
Speaking of moving... Tomorrow the hub, myself, and Fio are heading south, south to Hillsboro, OR, outside of Portland for an in-person 3rd interview with a dental company!
We have been mulling over the idea of moving down there and are going to give the town a thorough once-over tomorrow morning before his interview.
We've felt good about this prospect and are anticipating moving very soon. Of course, as excited as we are, we are just as anxious. Breaking our lease, paying for a moving truck, packing everything up and completing the move with 3 pets is a daunting task for us!
I'm nervous about feeling more isolated in a new town with absolutely 0 contacts. I already feel isolated here! Without a job, family, or many friends nearby it's basically me and my pets with a smattering of interactions with strangers.
I will say there is the occasional spark of social activity! On Tuesday I went to a fellow PersonalizedFree.com's home for lunch and chatting and hanging out. I thoroughly enjoyed myself and will gobble up the Thai leftovers she sent me home with shortly... *yum*
Further news! I had a dermatology appointment yesterday and have started a prescription acne treatment with antibiotics and a RX cream. I am going to do some more research on it, but I really liked my ARNP and nurse at the clinic and am feeling good about things so far :)
Further, further news! I'm not convinced of my depression diagnosis anymore.
Crazy, eh?
I'm reading Eric Maisel's writing about "Natural Psychology" and the concept that while biological depression does exist, it is quite often over-diagnosed due to misguided expectations about the nature of life.
Sure, I'm sure I've been biologically depressed before but right now, I feel like my main issue is psychological. I don't look at the world in a healthy, helpful way. I have very negative thought patterns and I don't have any driving force or reason to my life.
I'm reading and learning and going to do some work on this to try and unearth a purpose for my existence. More to follow-this'll be quite the undertaking!
In the meantime, I'm swallowing loads of pills everyday including: Vitamin D, Vitamin B Complex, Magnesium, Multi-Vitamin, Seroquel, Lexapro, thyroid meds, and now acne meds! I feel like a reverse-gumball machine.
Friday, March 8, 2013
Carcinogens, Oh My!
Listening to the radio yesterday I heard a story about a biochemist that decided to make her own skin care and cosmetics after browsing this website that evaluates the toxicity of unregulated personal care items.
Unlike food and drink that we ingest, items that are topical/external use or household cleaners aren't regulated by the FDA and the companies that produce them are left to regulate themselves.
Need I say Wall Street?
Anywho. Of course I had to look up the stuff we have around the house. Most of our items were benign or of very little risk. Our "major offenders" were my beloved Comet, our Kirkland Dishwashing Detergent, and our Arm & Hammer Free & Clear Detergent.
Browsing the site myself I found that the most concerning risk factor for each product was the risk of cancer or reproductive toxicity. They also rated the items based on respiratory/asthma and skin allergies/irritation as well as environmental hazard levels.
Thankfully nothing we use has high concern (except for the skin irritation potential of my Comet) so I don't feel a panic-urge to toss our all our product and replace it immediately with friendlier items, but I am considering replacing them with friendlier items once we use what we have up.
Dr. Bronner's and Seventh Generation brands have great ratings and are relatively easy to come by as opposed to some of the smaller, super-clean brands the site rates highest-so that'll do.
The hubster also browsed Google on carcinogens for himself after I asked him late last night what he thought of it all and reading a little bit more was reassuring. Yeah, there are tons of chemicals out there messing us up but luckily it takes a long time for most of these toxins to harm us and they don't directly give cancer but can make it easier for cancer to crop up.
I'm not in a state of panic but I'm glad to know about these potential risks lurking in my house and I'm excited to try healthier options. It couldn't hurt and I bet it'll smell a whole lot better!
Unlike food and drink that we ingest, items that are topical/external use or household cleaners aren't regulated by the FDA and the companies that produce them are left to regulate themselves.
Need I say Wall Street?
Anywho. Of course I had to look up the stuff we have around the house. Most of our items were benign or of very little risk. Our "major offenders" were my beloved Comet, our Kirkland Dishwashing Detergent, and our Arm & Hammer Free & Clear Detergent.
Browsing the site myself I found that the most concerning risk factor for each product was the risk of cancer or reproductive toxicity. They also rated the items based on respiratory/asthma and skin allergies/irritation as well as environmental hazard levels.
Thankfully nothing we use has high concern (except for the skin irritation potential of my Comet) so I don't feel a panic-urge to toss our all our product and replace it immediately with friendlier items, but I am considering replacing them with friendlier items once we use what we have up.
Dr. Bronner's and Seventh Generation brands have great ratings and are relatively easy to come by as opposed to some of the smaller, super-clean brands the site rates highest-so that'll do.
The hubster also browsed Google on carcinogens for himself after I asked him late last night what he thought of it all and reading a little bit more was reassuring. Yeah, there are tons of chemicals out there messing us up but luckily it takes a long time for most of these toxins to harm us and they don't directly give cancer but can make it easier for cancer to crop up.
I'm not in a state of panic but I'm glad to know about these potential risks lurking in my house and I'm excited to try healthier options. It couldn't hurt and I bet it'll smell a whole lot better!
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Futurethink
In the age of social media and incredibly powerful, all-seeing interbutts we all have to consider carefully what we share or post online. Hell, for those of us with paparazzi stalking problems we have to be careful what we do anyplace for fear it will be shared on the internet.
No, I don't think I'll ever have paparazzi problems but listening to a story on the radio the other day about a guy that self-published a *ahem* not-quite-mainstream novel made me wonder about the consequences of my online presence.
Malcom Brenner wrote "Wet Goddess" concerning his relationship with a dolphin. 'Nuff said. He wrote and self-published this years ago but says nowadays it is costing him employment as Google searches of his name overshadow his resume.
I don't plan on copulating with any sea mammals but I wonder if this blog could ever be used against me.
I have a hard time finding support in my everyday life (thus, this blog) and that can affect my well being and on rare occasion my work performance. This blog is an outreach resource for me and sadly it may also be a liability.
A small part of me cares and is afraid for my future. Part of me recognizes that while I'm in a depressive state I don't possess adequate foresight and judgement. I also recognize that while I'm in a depressive state I'm extremely vulnerable and have need for such an outlet as this blog.
At this point, I think the benefits of this blog outweighs the potential future pitfalls. I wonder what the future holds. Do other bloggers struggle with this?
No, I don't think I'll ever have paparazzi problems but listening to a story on the radio the other day about a guy that self-published a *ahem* not-quite-mainstream novel made me wonder about the consequences of my online presence.
Malcom Brenner wrote "Wet Goddess" concerning his relationship with a dolphin. 'Nuff said. He wrote and self-published this years ago but says nowadays it is costing him employment as Google searches of his name overshadow his resume.
I don't plan on copulating with any sea mammals but I wonder if this blog could ever be used against me.
I have a hard time finding support in my everyday life (thus, this blog) and that can affect my well being and on rare occasion my work performance. This blog is an outreach resource for me and sadly it may also be a liability.
A small part of me cares and is afraid for my future. Part of me recognizes that while I'm in a depressive state I don't possess adequate foresight and judgement. I also recognize that while I'm in a depressive state I'm extremely vulnerable and have need for such an outlet as this blog.
At this point, I think the benefits of this blog outweighs the potential future pitfalls. I wonder what the future holds. Do other bloggers struggle with this?
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