Thursday, October 1, 2015

October, you're here!

It's my favorite month.

I still feel shitty. I'm still not myself-or at least the self that I like.

This week has been.... rough, but with bright patches. I've managed to do more than I have in weeks but I've also had really dark days and the bad thoughts toward baby and myself have returned.

Last night I started lithium. We're going to ramp that up and then back the Seroquel off.

It's pretty hard to be interested or enjoy anything right now. I feel so in limbo and my heart is just numbed out. It's disconcerting when I'm actually engaged or kind or enthused, because those bright moments come out of relative darkness.

Hoping life will make more sense soon. Til then I'm gimping along just trying to feed myself, not hurt myself or others, and stick to the plan even when I lose faith in it.

Oh October, I wish I could greet you with more cheer.

Thank goodness for birds. My balcony flowers and feeders have brought me much peace and joy the last few days. Stellar's jays, chickadees, dark-eyed juncos, hummingbirds, and even a Northern flicker. So glad I bought those feeders that I've wanted for years. Should've done this ages ago!


  1. Sorry you've hit another rough patch...I do know what that's like...Sometimes it pays to take things slowly, even a minute at a time. Those bright moments will grow. I'm glad the birds bring you so much pleasure. How did you learn about them? Hugs!

    1. Thanks e :) The first therapist I ever saw, when I was 15 or 16, happened to be a birder. Ever since then I've been looking up new birds as I find them, casually researching birds or painting or sketching them... just became part of me. I think I always enjoyed them as an animal, but now they're definitely a favorite part of living for me. So much joy for me, even when I'm down, down, down!

  2. Like e said, those minutes will grow. They will. It is so hard waiting for them but eventually those moments will turn to hours, then a day or two.
    You are such a sweet soul. I wish you didn't have this disease. Sending love.

  3. Good on you, feeding the birds. And here's hoping that Lithium will do the trick. You will get better!

    1. Thanks Elsewhere, I hope the lithium is the ticket too!

  4. I am so glad that there are patches of light in the darkness.
    We spend a LOT of time here watching the birds. I find it heart-balm.

  5. Replies
    1. Thanks Whisk :) I feel like I've been bouncing up and down for too long, one decent week would be fabulous.


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Be well, HBF