Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Kitchen Laughs

A good laugh feels great.

The fiance was cookin' away in the kitchen and the next thing ya know this is what I hear:

"The ONLY thing I want for the wedding is some f***ing measuring cups that don't bend when I scoop! Jesus Christ! This is ridiculous!"

Hahahaha Gotta love him-even when he's bested by a giant box of Bisquick.

A hearty chuckle really helps when my legs are throbbing from another attempt at jogging. So far I can go half a mile before I get going so slow the dog starts napping. Hopefully I'll be at it again Thursday!

Monday, July 30, 2012

Life At The Moment.

Life is a little rough at the moment. Not rocky road, but definitely not velvet.

The wedding is moving along and our pets are happy and healthy. The only wrench in our gears is finances. Well, the lack thereof.

We did however manage to scrape together some money to buy a used cat condo off my BFF for the kitties. They love it!

Millie has been a little territorial and pushed Iroh out of his little house a couple times, but overall they nap nicely together with Millie on the roof like Woodstock and Iroh in the house like Snoopy.

Some gorgeous hydrangea from my future mother-in-law's garden and my cutie pie, Millie.

So money is tight, nerves are frayed, and blood pressure is up. I feel trapped and don't know how to cope with failure-or feeling like a loser at least. I've never been in that position, and if I have been I've been suicidal or so down on myself I never learned how to deal with regular ole hard times.

In more important news I have a 5K to run in a couple weeks. Seriously. My legs are killing me. It's as if someone replaced my jumbo calves with jumbo pain organs!

Next Monday boot camp @ the Y starts and on the 12th I run the 5K in Seattle and then the week after the run I have a dress fitting in Alderwood.

August-here I come.

Wedding Mania

Give me an 8-pack of white poster board and this is what you get...

A bathroom sign with some of our favorite characters...

Mike from Monsters Inc., a kodama from Princess Mononoke, Mal from Firefly, Turniphead from Howl's Moving Castle, The Dude from The Big Lebowski, Big Bird, Barney, The Golden Girls, Yoda, Uncle Iroh from Avatar, and Spock.

A welcome sign with our forest friends...

Smokey the Bear, Ranger Rick, and Woodsy Owl!

An informative sign about prayer flags, a timeline of the reception's events, and a trail guide-meets-board game list of activities....

I sure got some use outta those <$2 Crayola markers. Aaahhh my inner child is sure happy :)

Sunday, July 22, 2012

July Half-Gone

July is nearly gone and now I have less than a month until my first dress fitting! At this appointment I'll decide what type of bustle to install and they will repair my beading and off-the-rack dress damage (which is very little).

As for sizing-we're waiting until these alterations are done before *hopefully taking the dress in a bit. I'm starting a boot camp class at my local YMCA August 6th and it lasts all month, three times a week at that! so hopefully I'll be in better shape soon.

In other news, the fiance and I had a good visit to his parents' home this weekend. Fio even came along and did very well on his longest road trip to date. It was freaking hot and we felt a little ill at times, but overall it was really nice and relaxing.

My future father-in-law did a wonderful job repairing an old side table for us and we retrieved the van's extra seats so we can trade it in when we go for a new car soon. They even sent us home with hydrangea blooms and fresh basil from their garden!

Coming up this week my mom and I are going camping in Leavenworth with the pup. The fiance is "doing the bachelor thing" with Iroh and Millie will be queen of the house. We're expecting his older brother late in the week, so once I get back from camping it will be even more family time!

It looks like August is going to involve a lot of exercising and some further wedding projects. My wedding shower is scheduled for September and my bachelorette party sometime in early October. Things are going to start picking up pace very soon!

Monday, July 16, 2012

A Familiar Foe

Bad night-even though today was pretty good.

There was an incident with a cat, a vacuum, and a glass of orange juice. It was kinda funny but the fiance was way past irked! I laughed.

We hosted my brother and his buddy, which was nice. I made a great mac 'n cheese with chicken and veggies. We played a nice game and hung out and it was a good time.

Then the evening came... I signed up for my first 5k, which was a little anxiety inducing. What was worse was the fiance's off-hand comment about me needing to make my own money.

It cut me in the gut. I felt horrible. Ashamed and repulsed by myself. I literally felt ill, sick to my stomach. Such a fiercely burning fuel the self-hatred I host for myself...

The simple idea of working and earning money for simple reasons such as getting things that I want is such an emotionally complex thing for me I can't imagine going to an interview.

It's nearly impossible for me to separate my self-worth from my work. My only worth seems to come from being productive or doing good work and getting affirmation from others. None of my other "positive" attributes are worth anything in my demented mind.

I struggle horribly to embrace the idea that simply being alive is enough. Being a good person or being kind or creative or hard-working. But I can't convince myself that I'm worth anything without being able to work and contribute... Yet I don't feel like I can manage a job, so I feel horribly stuck and useless/hopeless/worthless.

A rough night.

Friday, July 13, 2012

My Friday the 13th

One lightning bolt spotted.
Two new businesses visited.
Three animals waiting for shredded cheese like three very well behaved siblings.
Four calls from/to my mom.
Five "special" ingredients added to my homemade mac n' cheese (Hebrew Nat'ls, Chipotle Onion Mustard, Smoked Paprika, Thyme, Parmesan)
Six pills swallowed.

You see 7 bottles but I didn't take any Xanax today ;o)
Seven episodes of "Magnum p.i." watched-seriously, I counted.
Eight minutes late to meet the photographer to drop off our wedding contract.
Nine times rubbing the block of cheddar up the grater THE WRONG DIRECTION.
Ten minute drive to Hobby Lobby to buy 76 cents worth of dyed cotton.
Eleven pita chips to call a "lunch."
Twelve minutes of rain in a whole day of clouds.

Thirteen reasons to scream and shout: we don't get our honeymoon, we're in debt up to our ears, our old cars are breaking down, the sunset was AMAZING, I'm an evil crafty genius, I feel guilty for not working, I can't fix everything, staying hydrated makes me have to pee all the time, I get to see my BFF tomorrow, I'm anxious to fit in my wedding dress but cannot stick to a diet, my fiance let me down, I'm spotting like a Dalmatian, and boys are stupid (sometimes).

Whew. A little mental exertion, some finger exercise and I'm feeling a little bit better already! 

Today was wonderful and repulsive and stressful and blissful and I hope tomorrow is a little more consistently pleasant.

Now for chores. G'night!

To The Family At Winco

A few days ago the fiance and I went to Winco to pick up some ice cream to go with our chocolate sauce. (Yes, I know I'm a bride and I need to lose weight for the wedding in a few months, but-we eat sweets. All year round. Gotta deal.)

We had a choice of grocery stores: Fred Meyer, 2 Safeways, Albertson's or even QFC, maybe Central Market if we had wanted-but we assumed Winco was cheapest, and there we went.

Of course we ended up with more than we planned on, but luckily it all fit in our hands. We approached the checkout lanes with our frozen turkey burgers, two cartons of ice cream, and 6-pack of muffins (variety pack).

There were several long lines and the shortest we saw was at a check stand with a blinking light, The belt was moving along and the checkout seemed normal so we hopped in line behind a family of four.

Everything was normal until the payment part of the transaction.

The mother slide her EBT card and one-hundred some odd dollars were deducted from the total balance. The remaining balance was still a little over one-hundred dollars. She looked confused and kept re-swiping her EBT card.

The checker told the couple they still owed just over a hundred for their purchase, but they didn't respond. It was obvious they had done their math and the twenty dollar bill in the woman's hand suggested they only expected to owe twenty dollars or less after the food stamps were deducted.

The checker continued to tell them that the food stamps had been deducted and that they owed money. She pointed to the screen where the hundred some odd dollars had been paid and kept repeating herself. She became annoyed while the couple waited in confusion.

Eventually the checker looked back over her list of items and discovered an eighty dollar mistake. There was a charge for a cat condo that didn't exist.

A cat condo. A three-story cat condo.

She brusquely apologized and hollered at her supervisor to help her delete the charge, reverse the EBT charge, and help her correct the transaction. He hardly acknowledged the couple as he struggled to reverse the EBT charge and find the cat condo error to remove.

It was a frustrating fifteen minutes.

The employees never bothered to find the bulk item that the cashier had mis-rung. The couple didn't understand what they needed from them to fix the problem. They decided to let it go, remove the cat condo charge and let the couple take whatever bulk item the cashier flubbed just to get the line moving again.

Throughout the tumult an elderly lady behind us offered sardonic comforting to the cashier, "there's always gonna be a heckler-whether you're a cashier or a waitress or whatever, there's always gonna be that ONE customer that gets ya."

Nobody apologized the couple with the problem transaction. The cashier apologized to us as we took our place next in line, but neither her or her supervisor offered their apologies to the couple (other than the cashier's initial apology at realizing the issue was her fault).

I am sorry for that family. They had budgeted appropriately and were only off in their estimate by 2 dollars when the transaction was fixed. It wasn't their fault. A stranger offered consolation to the checker, but no one consoled them. The checker drew sympathy for a mistake that was hers and caused others discomfort.

I've been a checker. A checker should've realized there wasn't a big ass cat condo making her sweat when that large charge jumped on the screen. It was her fault. Not the couple's.

From other points of view-the family would've been blamed, and probably was. But it wasn't the fact that an first or second generation immigrant family that didn't speak English walked up to the checkstand and caused problems. It wasn't their fault.

I'm disappointed in those employees and the lady behind us in line who blamed the family for "hurting" the lazy checker's feelings. And I'm disappointed in myself for not speaking up for that family. I tried to help, but not knowing Spanish I didn't feel empowered to do much-but I could've spoken up for them.

Friendship speaks all languages, and I could've been a better friend that night. I will try harder next time.

Last Week

What a week.

Monday's therapy was a doozy and has got me thinking 24/7 and then my exhasted/phlegmy feelings turned into a full blown illness Tuesday morning. The fiance made sure I took medicine (which I resist not because of taste but because of an unspoken family edict) but I was still in bed all day Tuesday.

Wednesday was the 4th of July BBQ at my parents' house-an old family tradition but with a new twist this year. Since my brother has been on the east coast going to school and won't be here for his birthday we made this year's 4th of July BBQ his birthday party as well.

This altered the guest list  a bit and we had much younger attendees from his circle of friends. You might expect some drunken debauchery, eh? But no, they weren't the issue. The drunken idiot of the party would be my fiance. Lovely.

I really didn't care until he got home and puked all over EVERYTHING. Being sick myself (in a more legitimate way I might add) I refused to clean up after him and made sure he cleaned it up himself before he went to work the next morning.

I don't think I would've cared about him cutting loose if it hadn't A) resulted in pukeage and B) screwed up my Thursday because he didn't unload the car due to his drunken state. Being sick I wasn't strong enough to haul Fio's kennel back up to the apartment and had to have the fiance meet me to pick up the pup before I could go to volunteer shift.

That shift was the shortest EVER. I lasted barely 45 minutes and didn't pet a single cat. Just food and poop patrol and I was outta there!

Today I was still very phlegmy and using masses of tissues and spending the majority of my time in bed. I will say the sickness has meant more stitching time and I'm nearly finished with our wedding stitchery-I'll post pics later.