All those Saturdays are to be read in an Elton John rhythm. That'll be stuck in my head for a while!
Anywho. Our Saturday had some ups and a big down. It's been a little rough moving on so I haven't posted about it til now.
The initial plan was for the hubster to go down to my folks' and meet up with my dad and a family friend to kill a bottle of whiskey in honor of their acquisition of said top 3 whiskey of the year. (the hubs and my dad and this guy have turned into whiskey collecting aficionados) It turned into a house party with BB and I coming along, along with the wife of family friend (another family friend).
***Yes, I understand three grown men killing a bottle of whiskey can sound pretty awful. They have a great time together but yes, my dad was a hurtin' unit the next day. Thankfully doesn't happen often at all***
I hung out with my mother and family friend for most of the night and then joined up with the boys for a fire and some extra desserts later in the evening. We ended up swapping birth stories somehow and it was nice to see my dad reminiscence. I always like talking about BB's birth too,
SO, the big down. While we were in the kitchen scrambling around desserts the family friend (husband not wife) touched my ass in an inappropriate manner. Not sure there is an appropriate manner.... He grazed a knuckle across me as he passed by. These ass-centric violations have happened a couple of times before. It always makes me feel disgusting and violated.
I wasn't sure how to broach the subject although I came very close to blurting out something. The hubs didn't see what happened and didn't offer much support. He admitted later that it was a mistake for him to say, "Well, it was your fault for being in the 'firing zone' around the desserts." Last I checked, I have a right to stand wherever I want at least when desserts are concerned.
Ugh, such nasty feelings. So much anger. The day after I didn't want the hubster near me or touching me. Hubster didn't quite understand what my agitation was related to so he suggested a road trip down to Kalama and my favorite restaurant. Gorgeous. Still didn't stitch me up emotionally.
The hubs and I were talking for hours that evening until I felt like he finally understood me. We stood up and I did to him what this family friend did to me and he finally admitted how horrible it was. His equating awkward shoulder holds or lingering handshakes fell apart.
Still sad. I know this man will try it again and I know that I will have to do something. Avoiding him will be difficult since these are family friends of three decades just about. Thankfully the hubster understands and will run interference, even back me up if and when I say something, but it's up to me to be courageous in the moment.
And it's so difficult.
Showing posts with label Events. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Events. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 17, 2020
Tuesday, April 24, 2018
Wading.
It's my second week of observing in high school English classes for my Master's in Teaching.
I started out nervous yet hopeful and I thought that I was holding up pretty well that first week.
Then Tuesday I found myself thinking, "Is it Friday yet?"
Wednesday my body started weakening.
Thursday I didn't give a damn. I came home and did as little as possible. Puzzles and "The Golden Girls," a heating pad and some tea that evening. No dishes were being done, no niceties exchanged with the hubbo. I was spent.
Then Saturday came some redemption for the week. I participated in my first CrossFit competition. It's been less than I year since I started doing CrossFit and for whatever reason I couldn't get this competition out of my mind and I registered way back when. Way back before this most recent hospital visit. Way back before I felt truly discouraged about the nerve pain and weakness in my arms. Yet, somehow, Saturday was fun. And meaningful. I did something! I did something daring and strange and memorable!
 |
| My coach nags me about closing my eyes (Exhibit A) It's a coping technique of mine. |
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| He says closing my eyes is dangerous (Exhibit B) And has scared the shit out of me unintentionally multiple times. |
Sunday came the deload and wobbles anew.
Saturday was a rush-an all day frenzy of a packed schedule and friends and chatting and cheering. Sunday was so quiet and slow. All the stress of my week and the stark contrast to the day before set me off balancein a way I hadn't felt in a while. It wasn't sneaky, it was unnerving and pervasive. I couldn't decide if I had eaten something bad (nausea) or if I had exerted myself somehow (racing heart) or if I had been exposed to something sad (being on the edge of tears).
Eventually I took some medication to try and alleviate the anxiety. The sadness I couldn't quite break. It felt like a chunk of coal in my chest and I knew that I needed to cry to break it down. When the hubster left for his man-date that evening, the wall finally collapsed. I was sobbing over spaghetti sauce. Stirring slowly as steam and heat blended with my blushed cheeks and warm tears.
That night I didn't wait up. I didn't kiss goodnight or chat until sleep came. My body was locking up and the few words I managed seemed to break the hubster's heart. I felt utterly ashamed and somehow he felt guilty.
I knew the challenges of pursuing another degree and what it could do to me. I knew that starting observation hours was going to be a big undertaking, especially with a hospitalization just a few months back. It didn't matter. I cracked. I was crumbling. I felt ashamed and didn't want to ask for help; still clinging to health enough to recognize that I needed to ask, to troubleshoot and get on top of things before it got worse.
I'm still in that troubleshotting phase. I'm trying to take it easy on myself and avert complete relapse.
It feels like I'm wading. A slow tiptoe through a familiar yet obscured stream of events. I can't see exactly what's coming; the slippery surface below feeling new despite the many times I've crossed. The cold water and that steady, unended flow un unfriendly though calm sort of familiar.
Baby steps.
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Many thanks and fond thoughts to those readers checking up on me! I will try and take a read-about your blogs once I get my schooling for this term wrapped up and my health on track. <3
Thursday, August 17, 2017
Acknowledge, Accept, Engage
Ya might think this will be a political post and it isn't. The truth is that I've been having a rough time and I haven't posted about it because I'm self-conscious about posting too often and/or posting incongruous posts. Well, that's life with mental health diagnoses. I can have glorious moments on family vacation and horrible lows all in the same week-or day.
So here goes.
The Friday before we left for our road trip I had my first full-on panic attack in months. My anxiety had been elevated for weeks and I think the pre-departure stress put me in a very vulnerable position.
The class that day was probably around triple the usual size because of an altered schedule that week. We were doing an exercise that involved many people dropping barbells almost in unison. That first round put me over. The tears came on, my body began shaking, my heart rate sky rocketed, and a flush came over me beyond my workout glow.
I grabbed my water bottle and purse, bounding into the front room to haphazardly open my emergency pill container that dangles from my wallet at all times. Between the shakes and my restrictive weightlifting wrist bands it was quite a task! After popping my pill I ran cold water over my hands and face before grabbing some frozen sponges and taking some time to walk around outside to calm myself. A friendly childcare/office lady talked with me during this time and helped me calm down as well.
Yesterday, I had to run out of a workout again.
I haven't been able to manage my anxiety the last several weeks and injuries preventing me from engaging in my workouts as I'd like have been quite upsetting. With the elevated anxiety I wasn't able to think straight and ask my coach for help scaling, instead I panicked when the workout began and subsequently walked out before a full blown panic attack struck.
I collapsed on the grass in the sun outside the gym and cried.
My coach hollered from the warehouse door to see if I was okay and I told him it was anxiety and that I'd be fine.
Later, after the workout, he asked if I wanted to talk about it. I started crying and shrugged my shoulders. He asked if the anxiety just "cropped up" and I told him that it had been a problem for a while. This time, it was more than anxiety though, the suicidal impulses have returned. I told him that I had some mental health diagnoses that involve anxiety and chronic suicidality. That these disorders require me to work out frequently at a certain intensity or things can get dangerous for me. My injuries have been gumming that up.
He thanked me for talking to him and I thanked him as well. A couple other folks inquired as to my well being and wished me well.
I love the support I've received there. It does freak me out that I'm experiencing such intense symptoms where I feel most safe. I can understand it, sure, I'm just concerned that I can't even relax at my relaxing place.
I'm very scared. The dips are persisting longer than they have in a long time. I've had suicidal episodes since moving here, they were acute though. This is a different animal. A slippier animal.
The hubs has pushed things into high gear looking for alternate housing. I've been trying to avoid my family as much as possible. I still need to pull out my DBT book and focus on really working some skills...
My brain is slow yet my thoughts are fast.
My body is weary yet I can't relax.
I have to acknowledge this isn't just a little dip. I've had a few intense episodes since the move and this isn't that. It's been a slow, sneaky descent. I find it more difficult to recognize the dark logic as my disease and I'm starting to romanticize suicidal ideations.
I feel like I'm walking a very dangerous line. I feel desperate. I am afraid. And I'm crying at the drop of hat-more and more in public and when driving (not exactly safe).
Moving here was a bad, bad idea. I came in with the best intentions, trying to tamp down the fear and focus on meeting the challenge, but I have to retreat.
Over and over I think, "my family is killing me," and it haunts me. I feel guilt. I feel anger. I don't think they mean to and yet a sense of victimization overwhelms me. It isn't fair. Why me? So many other people have it so much worse... It's so messy. It's so hurtful. They aren't safe. This can't be malicious, you can't hold them accountable for ignorance... I feel like they would be offended and confused to hear this and yet I can't deny it. I don't want to hurt them, I don't want to blame them (though it is so hard to delineate between fact and blame for me)... but a cut needs to be made. I need to excise this threat.
Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain for staying, pain for leaving.
I suppose my brain chemistry at the moment doesn't help either.
Hope this isn't too incoherent. Thanks for being here, from vacation to crisis :o)
So here goes.
The Friday before we left for our road trip I had my first full-on panic attack in months. My anxiety had been elevated for weeks and I think the pre-departure stress put me in a very vulnerable position.
The class that day was probably around triple the usual size because of an altered schedule that week. We were doing an exercise that involved many people dropping barbells almost in unison. That first round put me over. The tears came on, my body began shaking, my heart rate sky rocketed, and a flush came over me beyond my workout glow.
I grabbed my water bottle and purse, bounding into the front room to haphazardly open my emergency pill container that dangles from my wallet at all times. Between the shakes and my restrictive weightlifting wrist bands it was quite a task! After popping my pill I ran cold water over my hands and face before grabbing some frozen sponges and taking some time to walk around outside to calm myself. A friendly childcare/office lady talked with me during this time and helped me calm down as well.
Yesterday, I had to run out of a workout again.
I haven't been able to manage my anxiety the last several weeks and injuries preventing me from engaging in my workouts as I'd like have been quite upsetting. With the elevated anxiety I wasn't able to think straight and ask my coach for help scaling, instead I panicked when the workout began and subsequently walked out before a full blown panic attack struck.
I collapsed on the grass in the sun outside the gym and cried.
My coach hollered from the warehouse door to see if I was okay and I told him it was anxiety and that I'd be fine.
Later, after the workout, he asked if I wanted to talk about it. I started crying and shrugged my shoulders. He asked if the anxiety just "cropped up" and I told him that it had been a problem for a while. This time, it was more than anxiety though, the suicidal impulses have returned. I told him that I had some mental health diagnoses that involve anxiety and chronic suicidality. That these disorders require me to work out frequently at a certain intensity or things can get dangerous for me. My injuries have been gumming that up.
He thanked me for talking to him and I thanked him as well. A couple other folks inquired as to my well being and wished me well.
I love the support I've received there. It does freak me out that I'm experiencing such intense symptoms where I feel most safe. I can understand it, sure, I'm just concerned that I can't even relax at my relaxing place.
I'm very scared. The dips are persisting longer than they have in a long time. I've had suicidal episodes since moving here, they were acute though. This is a different animal. A slippier animal.
The hubs has pushed things into high gear looking for alternate housing. I've been trying to avoid my family as much as possible. I still need to pull out my DBT book and focus on really working some skills...
My brain is slow yet my thoughts are fast.
My body is weary yet I can't relax.
I have to acknowledge this isn't just a little dip. I've had a few intense episodes since the move and this isn't that. It's been a slow, sneaky descent. I find it more difficult to recognize the dark logic as my disease and I'm starting to romanticize suicidal ideations.
I feel like I'm walking a very dangerous line. I feel desperate. I am afraid. And I'm crying at the drop of hat-more and more in public and when driving (not exactly safe).
Moving here was a bad, bad idea. I came in with the best intentions, trying to tamp down the fear and focus on meeting the challenge, but I have to retreat.
Over and over I think, "my family is killing me," and it haunts me. I feel guilt. I feel anger. I don't think they mean to and yet a sense of victimization overwhelms me. It isn't fair. Why me? So many other people have it so much worse... It's so messy. It's so hurtful. They aren't safe. This can't be malicious, you can't hold them accountable for ignorance... I feel like they would be offended and confused to hear this and yet I can't deny it. I don't want to hurt them, I don't want to blame them (though it is so hard to delineate between fact and blame for me)... but a cut needs to be made. I need to excise this threat.
Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain for staying, pain for leaving.
I suppose my brain chemistry at the moment doesn't help either.
Hope this isn't too incoherent. Thanks for being here, from vacation to crisis :o)
Wednesday, April 26, 2017
Quiet Rapids
Things have been a bit haphazard of late. An odd mixture of slow and fast with a dash of numbness.
Last week was quite emotional as I contemplated the upcoming move. Panicked, really. I took a walk with a friend and she laid out all of her concerns for me regarding the move. Cue the "oh shit" moment! It definitely stirred the pot emotion-wise. It also presented a reality check moment with an opportunity to really consider and plot backup plans in case living with my folks/sister/nephew just doesn't fly.
Lots of sighs. Lots of packing. Lots of "I have no fucking clue."
I'm sad. I'm scared. I'm (a tad bit) excited. I'm a little hopeful while also feeling quite skeptical.
There have been some dark moments-moments when I've lost myself in worry. My confidence eroded by strong waves of fear. One day was so bad that I had suicidal thoughts flashing through my brain. Thankfully not impulses or strong urges, just fleeting images. Still, definitely a symptom of my stress.
Those down days-or just an afternoon or morning sometimes-weren't nice, were quite discouraging, and luckily short-lived. I was able to bounce back reasonably well and reasonably quick. I think my DBT skills kicked in and having help from the hubster, of course. I also think that having my mood be stable for longer stretches help me bounce back from the dips and resist the dives.
At the moment our condo is about 90% packed. Regular routines continue and yet our surroundings are changing. Walls are stripped of familiar frames and shelves. Boxes are piled up against walls. The kitchen is bare and nearly useless.
Honestly, I'm still not sure if it's all sunk in. It feels like we've got longer here, despite having no cutlery out and our food supply limited to things that require no intensive preparation. Driving into the lot today it occurred to me that I'd only drive into the familiar parking area a few more times... and the thought simply drifted away. No thump, no feeling, hardly a ripple.
It's the calm before the storm now. I feel stillness at the surface yet I know the rapids within will most likely overtake me sometime soon. I'd be concerned if the move didn't involve some tears! I think driving away from my neighborhood without plans to return will trigger some... leaving my gym for the last time in a long time (I have tentative plans to visit, just not certain plans)... and settling into the new surroundings will be rough.
Don't get me wrong, it's not a palace here. That said, the obnoxious sounds from the nearby arterial, freeway, and rowdy neighbors are familiar. The popcorn ceilings and dilapidated buildings, even the shoddy landscaping and rather "well worn" faces around the complex will be missed.
The hubby reminds me often to look forward. I know that this helps him a lot-fantasizing about getting a house and a yard and a new job. For me, it can help in little doses. Too much and I begin to feel pressure, even fear that I won't be able to achieve certain aspirations. It becomes stressful and I got enough of that!
Anywho. That's a taste of what's going on. Been saying goodbye to folks and enjoying the company of my gym pals as much as possible. I certainly hope that I can find a new tribe down south and at the same time it feels a little unfaithful to leave these people behind. I suspect that's a passing sentiment... at least I hope so ;o)
Trying to read and comment, it's just a bit tough lately! Catch up later, friends :o)
Last week was quite emotional as I contemplated the upcoming move. Panicked, really. I took a walk with a friend and she laid out all of her concerns for me regarding the move. Cue the "oh shit" moment! It definitely stirred the pot emotion-wise. It also presented a reality check moment with an opportunity to really consider and plot backup plans in case living with my folks/sister/nephew just doesn't fly.
Lots of sighs. Lots of packing. Lots of "I have no fucking clue."
I'm sad. I'm scared. I'm (a tad bit) excited. I'm a little hopeful while also feeling quite skeptical.
There have been some dark moments-moments when I've lost myself in worry. My confidence eroded by strong waves of fear. One day was so bad that I had suicidal thoughts flashing through my brain. Thankfully not impulses or strong urges, just fleeting images. Still, definitely a symptom of my stress.
Those down days-or just an afternoon or morning sometimes-weren't nice, were quite discouraging, and luckily short-lived. I was able to bounce back reasonably well and reasonably quick. I think my DBT skills kicked in and having help from the hubster, of course. I also think that having my mood be stable for longer stretches help me bounce back from the dips and resist the dives.
At the moment our condo is about 90% packed. Regular routines continue and yet our surroundings are changing. Walls are stripped of familiar frames and shelves. Boxes are piled up against walls. The kitchen is bare and nearly useless.
Honestly, I'm still not sure if it's all sunk in. It feels like we've got longer here, despite having no cutlery out and our food supply limited to things that require no intensive preparation. Driving into the lot today it occurred to me that I'd only drive into the familiar parking area a few more times... and the thought simply drifted away. No thump, no feeling, hardly a ripple.
It's the calm before the storm now. I feel stillness at the surface yet I know the rapids within will most likely overtake me sometime soon. I'd be concerned if the move didn't involve some tears! I think driving away from my neighborhood without plans to return will trigger some... leaving my gym for the last time in a long time (I have tentative plans to visit, just not certain plans)... and settling into the new surroundings will be rough.
Don't get me wrong, it's not a palace here. That said, the obnoxious sounds from the nearby arterial, freeway, and rowdy neighbors are familiar. The popcorn ceilings and dilapidated buildings, even the shoddy landscaping and rather "well worn" faces around the complex will be missed.
The hubby reminds me often to look forward. I know that this helps him a lot-fantasizing about getting a house and a yard and a new job. For me, it can help in little doses. Too much and I begin to feel pressure, even fear that I won't be able to achieve certain aspirations. It becomes stressful and I got enough of that!
Anywho. That's a taste of what's going on. Been saying goodbye to folks and enjoying the company of my gym pals as much as possible. I certainly hope that I can find a new tribe down south and at the same time it feels a little unfaithful to leave these people behind. I suspect that's a passing sentiment... at least I hope so ;o)
Trying to read and comment, it's just a bit tough lately! Catch up later, friends :o)
Sunday, March 26, 2017
WOWZA
First, some Baby Bananaface updates:
And for the WOWZA-Y moment of my yesterday. More discoveries from my closet...
I knew that I had been 250 lbs during pregnancy and I just wasn't sure if I had been before that. I was pretty sure. Whenever I asked the hubby he was evasive and wouldn't confirm anything.
Well, while I was cleaning out my closet I found stashes of old clothes. My maternity was altogether and then there was a different box. This box gave me my WOWZA moment of the afternoon.
Also shocking was a bikini and teeny cover up that I found... apparently when I was lighter and just out of college (during my trip to Iceland) I decided I wanted to "feel European" and dare to wear a bikini to the hot springs. I'm not sure if I was more shocked by this discovery or the pants! Lots of disbelief both ways.
I know that I've lost a ton of weight in the last year or so-about 45 lbs. I didn't really count my pregnancy weight as my top weight before-though now that I know I was 250 lbs or more before that it makes me think of my total weight loss more like 75 lbs. That wasn't all in one go, so I wouldn't say that in conversation. Just for myself it feels good. Reminds me of what I can do. Not to mention surviving that depression... ANYWHO.
So. That is a bit of what I've been up to lately. Lots of jaw-dropping and loads of stuff to haul off to Goodwill.
We've been especially motivated to cut down since we decided to move in June when our lease is up. Going south toward cheaper rents. It means a major commute for the hubbo. We're thinking it's just about the only way to get things back on track since my PPD hurricane and all that financial fallout.
More on that later! In the meantime, happy spring and happy weekend :o)
 |
| Family resemblance, or what? Was sorting through some old photos in my closet and found this shot from my baby years... |
 |
| He really wanted to go outside. So he "got dressed." |
I knew that I had been 250 lbs during pregnancy and I just wasn't sure if I had been before that. I was pretty sure. Whenever I asked the hubby he was evasive and wouldn't confirm anything.
Well, while I was cleaning out my closet I found stashes of old clothes. My maternity was altogether and then there was a different box. This box gave me my WOWZA moment of the afternoon.
 |
| I was shocked. I've lost so much weight! |
Once I found these pants the hubbo couldn't deny it anymore.
He said during a particularly bad depressive episode I
topped out at 250 lbs. We still hiked and such and I found
a slew of 20/22 sized pants and XL shirts that I had forgotten.
 |
| I could actually fit both my legs down one leg of the pants! It was so... shocking! I just didn't remember! Such a weird feeling. |
I know that I've lost a ton of weight in the last year or so-about 45 lbs. I didn't really count my pregnancy weight as my top weight before-though now that I know I was 250 lbs or more before that it makes me think of my total weight loss more like 75 lbs. That wasn't all in one go, so I wouldn't say that in conversation. Just for myself it feels good. Reminds me of what I can do. Not to mention surviving that depression... ANYWHO.
So. That is a bit of what I've been up to lately. Lots of jaw-dropping and loads of stuff to haul off to Goodwill.
We've been especially motivated to cut down since we decided to move in June when our lease is up. Going south toward cheaper rents. It means a major commute for the hubbo. We're thinking it's just about the only way to get things back on track since my PPD hurricane and all that financial fallout.
More on that later! In the meantime, happy spring and happy weekend :o)
Tuesday, February 14, 2017
My Birthday! (yep, it's a long post)
My birthday was yesterday and went pretty dang well, I must say. It was a busy day, but a happy day!
I started off my day at the gym, like usual. I took a class from one of the instructors I had given a card to and was a little anxious about what her reaction might be. She wished me happy birthday and then later on in class she sidled up to me and said, "By the way, your card was amazing."
She went on to say that her son saw the picture I drew and said it was so good they should frame it. She mentioned how much it meant to her and how sweet it was of me. We chatted a bit more and I felt really good and relieved that my card had been well received!
At the end of class she came up to me again and handed me an envelope. "I totally had this before you even gave me your card, I swear!" I opened it and saw a lot of writing so I decided to wait and read it in my car.
The message was so sweet. She mentioned how happy she was for me and how she was so proud of all the progress I've made and just amazed at how far I've come and what I've been through (I had shared my story with her before, so she knows about the whole twisted tale). She went on to say that she hoped I had a wonderful birthday and that she hopes to be around for my next birthday to see just how far I go this year.
I went home and relaxed a bit. Took a bit of extra time to pick out a "nice" outfit, do my hair, even put on makeup! I had class that afternoon and right before I worked up my courage to write a Facebook post that I had been contemplating... It included a selfie and blurb about what this birthday means to me as well as a thank you to any friends, family, providers, instructors, etc. that I hadn't thanked yet. It was a bit scary but felt so good (since then it has been well received so I feel relieved and encouraged!).
I picked up Baby Bananaface and we headed to the hubster's office. I had picked up chocolates as a Valentine's Day surprise and haphazardly hid them around his office (I also hid some around his morning routine route, he had to find 14 little individually wrapped chocolates all together).
We continued on south and met my parents, my sister, and my nephew for dinner. My brother couldn't make it but it did send along a card and that meant a lot to me. I made sure to say a formal thanks to my family for all that they've done to help me make it to my birthday. My mom and I cried but it was a good cry!
One of the highlights of the dinner was playing Soundball while we waited for the check. It is a game I learned at DBT and entails throwing an invisible ball to random people in the group-but that's not all. Before someone throws the ball, they have to repeat the sound that the person throwing it to them made up. Then they have to make up their own silly sound for the next person to repeat.
Things got serious. Lemme tell ya! We were laughing til we had tears in our eyes! Some of the noises were quite challenging and odd. By the end of it we weren't even doing the ball-throwing motion, but including our own random movements for the next person to mimic along with the goofy sounds! It was really fun and I really enjoyed myself.
The hubster and I a rather interesting conversation on the way home from dinner. My mom had made a comment at dinner that I'm "a completely different person" now and it made me wonder, who am I really? What was I before if not myself?
The hubby, as usual, seemed to have an answer without even needing time to mull it over.
He said something along the lines of, "I think you were repressed before. It was more than just the depression and anxiety being out of control. You weren't able to be yourself, your true self, for a long time."
This stirred my mental pot further. I was confused and concerned about how bubbly and energetic and social I've been. Maybe my birthday thank yous mission and cards were creepy or over-dramatic. I wondered aloud, "What if this isn't really me and I'm actually hypomanic right now?"
"Ahh. Well that's a good point. I think, though, that if you were hypomanic you'd be having sleep issues. You'd be more focused on big to-do lists and pursuing lots of projects and overextending yourself. You would have lost focus on what's important, what's healthy."
"So maybe, I'm not being hypomanic, I'm just not quite comfortable with me being... me yet? Like it's still unfamiliar and feels unsafe? That would make sense." I smiled and then frowned with further concerns. "But wait, if I wasn't me before, why would you have married me? Was I just depressed and awful all the time? How could you know the real me if I wasn't the real me?"
He laughed and smirked in his special way, patting me on the leg. "Because the good times were amazing. When we met, you were doing well. You'd talk about fun little chats and moments with the customers at the bank you worked at all the time. You gave me notes and doodles and little surprises. Sure, when the bad times came you were different, but I always knew the good side-the real you-that was underneath. It's been there all along."
It's all still confusing and a bit "who's on first" to me, but that chat felt really good and helped clear a lot of things up. I've still got a ways to go when it comes to accepting myself and building the confidence that will help me maintain my stability and life a successfully happy and healthy life, but I'm headed in the right direction. Day-by-day I'll get there.
It makes me cry thinking about how long he's been there for me. Recognizing and appreciating just how much he's helped me through, how he's stood by side and believed through it all that we'd find the real me through all that darkness. His faith and strength and resolve is stunning.
He's taught me so much about what love really is and I look forward to learning even more together. I really can't ask for anything more. He is my hero and so much more than I ever imagined a husband could be. Nobody's perfect, but I think we're perfect together and that's all that matters.
Thank you for all the birthday wishes :o)
Happy Valentines Day everybody :o)
Friday, December 30, 2016
Reflection
I've been concentrating a lot on focusing my attention on the now and participating fully in the moment to help maintain my mood and well-being through the tumultuous holiday rush, but as New Year's nears I find myself looking back...
It's been quite a year. 2016 wasn't an easy one, that's for sure!
Thinking back to last January, I was in the hospital. According to my blog I went to my aunt's memorial, but I can't remember because of all the ECT treatments. For a good chunk of time I was doing so much ECT that I wasn't allowed to drive.
For a big part of the year I wasn't able to be alone with Baby Bananaface. It was too overwhelming or didn't feel safe.
For a while the hubster confiscated my tweezers because I was having a hard time controlling my urges to self harm.
In the spring I tried to kill myself.
Another chunk of my year was dedicated to TMS treatments multiple times a week. Throughout it all I've been on and off more drugs than I can name trying to find a mood stabilizer that'll work for me. To top it off I had those seizures and got diagnosed with a seizure disorder and got a prescription goin' for that...
There's been a lot between those headliners, including countless tears and hugs and kisses and fears shared between me and the hubster. Nights and days where I didn't feel safe. When I wasn't sure if I'd make it to the next day. When I didn't believe that I could ever find happiness or stability again.
Thankfully, things are changing. I have come far enough now that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have hope again. I'm still working on the confidence part but my faith is certainly growing and despite the hiccups along the way I haven't given up.
So much has changed... I've come so far this year.
I'm driving again-even taking BB to and from daycare. I'm making meals and able to safely use my tweezers. I'm socializing and going to the gym nearly everyday. I'm even thinking about finding part-time work soon.
I've felt like a failure. I've felt broken. I've felt hopeless. More and more I'm feeling hopeful. I'm feeling strong. I'm feeling proud. I am surviving.
I'm glad to put this year behind me and I hope to have more positive memories to stir up this time next year :o)
Don't really remember doing resolutions much but I think I will be concentrating on keeping up with maintaining my health and moving forward.
I wish everyone a wonderful 2017 and thank you all for sharing 2016 with me.
Lastly, let's hear a big cheer for baby steps! Hoorah!
It's been quite a year. 2016 wasn't an easy one, that's for sure!
**I've plugged in some random photo highlights that may or may not correlate to my text, but I hope you enjoy them!
For a big part of the year I wasn't able to be alone with Baby Bananaface. It was too overwhelming or didn't feel safe.
For a while the hubster confiscated my tweezers because I was having a hard time controlling my urges to self harm.
In the spring I tried to kill myself.
Another chunk of my year was dedicated to TMS treatments multiple times a week. Throughout it all I've been on and off more drugs than I can name trying to find a mood stabilizer that'll work for me. To top it off I had those seizures and got diagnosed with a seizure disorder and got a prescription goin' for that...
There's been a lot between those headliners, including countless tears and hugs and kisses and fears shared between me and the hubster. Nights and days where I didn't feel safe. When I wasn't sure if I'd make it to the next day. When I didn't believe that I could ever find happiness or stability again.
Thankfully, things are changing. I have come far enough now that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have hope again. I'm still working on the confidence part but my faith is certainly growing and despite the hiccups along the way I haven't given up.
So much has changed... I've come so far this year.
I'm driving again-even taking BB to and from daycare. I'm making meals and able to safely use my tweezers. I'm socializing and going to the gym nearly everyday. I'm even thinking about finding part-time work soon.
I'm glad to put this year behind me and I hope to have more positive memories to stir up this time next year :o)
Don't really remember doing resolutions much but I think I will be concentrating on keeping up with maintaining my health and moving forward.
I wish everyone a wonderful 2017 and thank you all for sharing 2016 with me.
Lastly, let's hear a big cheer for baby steps! Hoorah!
Friday, December 16, 2016
"It's Official" & Some Baby Bananaface Pics
Whew. Had to stay up late and get up early so I was sleep deprived enough for my EEG test this morning and it's made things a bit more challenging today, that's for sure! Somehow I'm still awake and I wanted to blog since I'll be on the road and busy with a family gift exchange tomorrow...
Anywho. This morning I did the MRI and EEG before meeting with my neurologist. He reviewed the results and said that my MRI was normal-even saying that my hippocampi are in great shape considering my chronic mental health conditions. So that was good!
Unfortunately, my EEG was not so normal. He says it's official that I have a right temporal lobe originating seizure disorder (or something like that, my hearing isn't the best and it was a lot of words strung together!).
The good news is that it isn't anything super rare and it's usually easily controlled by meds and won't necessarily disrupt my life. The medication he prescribed happens to also function as a mood stabilizer (I tried it out earlier this year or last year, I can't remember-it didn't work then but my psychiatrist thinks we have a shot at it working better this time since I'm not in such a deep depressive hole) and we're sure hoping that it kills two birds with one stone!
So that's the news! It's a bit of shock but with everything I've been through lately it doesn't seem to rattle me as much as I thought it might... I guess being aware of how much danger I was in when my depression was much worse makes something like these seizures and a new disorder seem a little less threatening or scary?
In other, more jolly news, I've been listening to Baby Bananaface a little more intently lately and observing what words he seems to have. I'm happy to report instances of garbled "Thank you" and "Please," even "Love you!" He's pretty good at "Buh-bye" and "Momma," too. :o) He got a new haircut and looks so much older and listening to his "talking" is such a sweet thing... I so look forward to meeting the man he's gonna be and watching him grow up <3
Anywho. This morning I did the MRI and EEG before meeting with my neurologist. He reviewed the results and said that my MRI was normal-even saying that my hippocampi are in great shape considering my chronic mental health conditions. So that was good!
Unfortunately, my EEG was not so normal. He says it's official that I have a right temporal lobe originating seizure disorder (or something like that, my hearing isn't the best and it was a lot of words strung together!).
The good news is that it isn't anything super rare and it's usually easily controlled by meds and won't necessarily disrupt my life. The medication he prescribed happens to also function as a mood stabilizer (I tried it out earlier this year or last year, I can't remember-it didn't work then but my psychiatrist thinks we have a shot at it working better this time since I'm not in such a deep depressive hole) and we're sure hoping that it kills two birds with one stone!
So that's the news! It's a bit of shock but with everything I've been through lately it doesn't seem to rattle me as much as I thought it might... I guess being aware of how much danger I was in when my depression was much worse makes something like these seizures and a new disorder seem a little less threatening or scary?
In other, more jolly news, I've been listening to Baby Bananaface a little more intently lately and observing what words he seems to have. I'm happy to report instances of garbled "Thank you" and "Please," even "Love you!" He's pretty good at "Buh-bye" and "Momma," too. :o) He got a new haircut and looks so much older and listening to his "talking" is such a sweet thing... I so look forward to meeting the man he's gonna be and watching him grow up <3
Tuesday, December 6, 2016
Weekend Pics & Tuesday Wrap-up
Well, it looks like the hubster is gonna be riding the bus to work for a while!
We got my ole car towed back to the condo and when he checked it out this evening he discovered some horrible smelling, black transmission fluid (I had to ask, "So, it's not supposed to be like that?" and he said it was supposed to be pink or clear). From what I've heard so far it seems to be the end for my Mabel :o(
It was stressful today but I'm really proud of myself for coping and getting through as well as I did. I even reached out for help from a friend and managed to get in for some ornament work hours!
The whole breakdown was an adventure, but I made it through without any extra hiccups. I was experiencing problems right from the get-go on my morning trip to the gym. It was revving real high without speeding up or changing gear. Eventually I was barely able to make 25 mph and had just decided that I better pull off the road when the light changed and I had to stop. When it turned green I wasn't able to get going again at all. I was stranded in the right lane of traffic.
My first call was to the hubster but he didn't answer. My second call was to my mother and I got straight to the point, "Hey Mom, I'm broke down in the middle of the road and the car won't move, what do I do next?" She told me to try and get out of traffic if I could get somebody to help push me outta the road a bit and to call a tow company, so that's what I did! A nice guy in a white jeep stopped and pushed me off to the side a bit. Then the sheriff showed up and got me outta the road completely-a welcome bonus!
We'll see what happens with our transportation situation but for now it looks like we'll be a one-car family for a bit and have to navigate the busy holidays with a little more consideration. I really don't feel all that worried at the moment, a nice shift from my familiar anxiety issues. I feel pretty confident that we'll make things work and get through this-one day at a time.
AND
Here's some photos from our weekend excursion:
It was a fun trip despite being a little exhausting. We enjoyed hanging out with my parents and sister and nephew-I'm even feeling a little excited for Christmas now! Nice to be looking forward to festivities instead of just feeling intimidated and wary :o)
We got my ole car towed back to the condo and when he checked it out this evening he discovered some horrible smelling, black transmission fluid (I had to ask, "So, it's not supposed to be like that?" and he said it was supposed to be pink or clear). From what I've heard so far it seems to be the end for my Mabel :o(
It was stressful today but I'm really proud of myself for coping and getting through as well as I did. I even reached out for help from a friend and managed to get in for some ornament work hours!
The whole breakdown was an adventure, but I made it through without any extra hiccups. I was experiencing problems right from the get-go on my morning trip to the gym. It was revving real high without speeding up or changing gear. Eventually I was barely able to make 25 mph and had just decided that I better pull off the road when the light changed and I had to stop. When it turned green I wasn't able to get going again at all. I was stranded in the right lane of traffic.
My first call was to the hubster but he didn't answer. My second call was to my mother and I got straight to the point, "Hey Mom, I'm broke down in the middle of the road and the car won't move, what do I do next?" She told me to try and get out of traffic if I could get somebody to help push me outta the road a bit and to call a tow company, so that's what I did! A nice guy in a white jeep stopped and pushed me off to the side a bit. Then the sheriff showed up and got me outta the road completely-a welcome bonus!
We'll see what happens with our transportation situation but for now it looks like we'll be a one-car family for a bit and have to navigate the busy holidays with a little more consideration. I really don't feel all that worried at the moment, a nice shift from my familiar anxiety issues. I feel pretty confident that we'll make things work and get through this-one day at a time.
AND
Here's some photos from our weekend excursion:
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| SO many people! |
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| Pretty hotel across the street, picture was taken in-transit so it's a little wonky! |
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| Another shot from the car, some tree lights I appreciated. |
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| My favorite part of the lighting ceremony, Baby Bananaface sleeping away in his sling through the lighting and cheers. |
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| Another crowd shot and some of the lights- mostly cellphone lights methinks! |
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| Snow on our trip back over the pass. |
It was a fun trip despite being a little exhausting. We enjoyed hanging out with my parents and sister and nephew-I'm even feeling a little excited for Christmas now! Nice to be looking forward to festivities instead of just feeling intimidated and wary :o)
Tuesday, November 29, 2016
Seriously.
Woke up a bit disoriented this morning. Didn't think much of it but then I noticed that my tongue was hurting. Tried to start my day and the hubster asked if I was okay and I said I didn't know, my tongue was hurting again like when I had the seizure. He said that was because I'd had another seizure last night.
Seriously.
I didn't believe him at first but then he pointed out the blood stains on my shirt and I reevaluated the pain from my tongue and shadowy memories and knew he wasn't making things up.
I'm doing all right. Tongue is still tender. I'm frustrated and it feels like whenever I feel I'm doing well or moving forward something seems to pop up and throw a wrench into things. Just seems like I can't get a break!
In related news, I managed to get a neurology appointment for later this week. Hoping they come up with some answers for me but I also wonder if it trigger subsequent appointments and tests and doo-dads. The hubbo said he can come with me and I'm really glad because I don't remember much about the actual seizures, just the painful fallout. We'll see what happens!
Off to do more ornaments this afternoon. It's been hectic what with Cyber Monday and all but I'm enjoying the flurry of activity and the challenge of the crazy specific or nearly impossible requests haha
Happy thoughts and well wishes to everyone :o) Thanks for stoppin' by!
Seriously.
I didn't believe him at first but then he pointed out the blood stains on my shirt and I reevaluated the pain from my tongue and shadowy memories and knew he wasn't making things up.
I'm doing all right. Tongue is still tender. I'm frustrated and it feels like whenever I feel I'm doing well or moving forward something seems to pop up and throw a wrench into things. Just seems like I can't get a break!
In related news, I managed to get a neurology appointment for later this week. Hoping they come up with some answers for me but I also wonder if it trigger subsequent appointments and tests and doo-dads. The hubbo said he can come with me and I'm really glad because I don't remember much about the actual seizures, just the painful fallout. We'll see what happens!
Off to do more ornaments this afternoon. It's been hectic what with Cyber Monday and all but I'm enjoying the flurry of activity and the challenge of the crazy specific or nearly impossible requests haha
Happy thoughts and well wishes to everyone :o) Thanks for stoppin' by!
Sunday, November 27, 2016
Thanksgiving and the Weekend
This year, like years before, we traveled across the mountains to my in-laws for Thanksgiving. It felt a bit different this year since my memories of years previous are rather splotchy at the moment-almost felt like a new experience! Although I do remember the feelings of enjoyment and relaxation and safety that are so closely tied to my in-law's place, so while things felt new they also still felt familiar and comforting.
The food was great as usual and my mom-in-law made a chocolate pecan pie this year that may make it hard for me to go back to regular pecan pie! So dang scrumptious. Dark as sin, it was so chocolaty, but when ya warmed it up and ohhhh... so good. Ahem. *recomposes self* Pie swoon over. I think y'all get the picture!
Our travels went well. We avoided the major traffic and the pass was clear, didn't even hit all that much rain either. We got to hang out with one of the hubster's sisters too and it was nice to catch up a bit. They got a little feisty over politics and such but they kinda like to do that so it was nice to see the hubbo getting his debate fix.
We had to leave and head home earlier than we really wanted to but needed to make it back Friday night because Saturday I had work obligations and we also had an appointment with the shelter to take Fio in.
It was a pretty emotional afternoon, especially for the hubster. We really truly believe that he'll have a better life with a new family though. We just aren't able to be the pet parents we want to be. We were actually discussing how surprised we were that this didn't happen sooner what with all the crap we've been dealing with postpartum... but no more neglect and short stick, Fio will find a family to pamper him. *sigh* Definitely feel some shame but really think that it'll be best for everyone in the long run.
Work was busy and will continue to be extra busy with Cyber Monday coming up but I felt really good Saturday after having an especially efficient work day and working faster than I'd ever worked before. They don't call me "Super Hannah" for nothing! In addition to two "groups" of ornaments I also plowed through two mega orders.
One of the mega orders involved a crapton of names on a Christmas tree, the same ornament 12 times in a row. I don't usually get achy when I work, but that order had my hard hurting! Here's a pic:
The owner wasn't sure if she wanted it dotted or not but I hope they dot it. I think the dots make it look finished, not to mention I don't dot my 'i's when I write because I'm expecting them to dot it up for me! Here's an example of the finished ornament with the dots. I was surprised when I started working here that the writing and the dots were two endeavors but now it's just "normal."
Anyways. Time to get Baby Bananaface brekkie-I let him sleep in a bit this morning :o)
Hope everyone is having a good weekend, definitely a wet one up here in the PNW!
The food was great as usual and my mom-in-law made a chocolate pecan pie this year that may make it hard for me to go back to regular pecan pie! So dang scrumptious. Dark as sin, it was so chocolaty, but when ya warmed it up and ohhhh... so good. Ahem. *recomposes self* Pie swoon over. I think y'all get the picture!
Our travels went well. We avoided the major traffic and the pass was clear, didn't even hit all that much rain either. We got to hang out with one of the hubster's sisters too and it was nice to catch up a bit. They got a little feisty over politics and such but they kinda like to do that so it was nice to see the hubbo getting his debate fix.
We had to leave and head home earlier than we really wanted to but needed to make it back Friday night because Saturday I had work obligations and we also had an appointment with the shelter to take Fio in.
It was a pretty emotional afternoon, especially for the hubster. We really truly believe that he'll have a better life with a new family though. We just aren't able to be the pet parents we want to be. We were actually discussing how surprised we were that this didn't happen sooner what with all the crap we've been dealing with postpartum... but no more neglect and short stick, Fio will find a family to pamper him. *sigh* Definitely feel some shame but really think that it'll be best for everyone in the long run.
Work was busy and will continue to be extra busy with Cyber Monday coming up but I felt really good Saturday after having an especially efficient work day and working faster than I'd ever worked before. They don't call me "Super Hannah" for nothing! In addition to two "groups" of ornaments I also plowed through two mega orders.
One of the mega orders involved a crapton of names on a Christmas tree, the same ornament 12 times in a row. I don't usually get achy when I work, but that order had my hard hurting! Here's a pic:
The owner wasn't sure if she wanted it dotted or not but I hope they dot it. I think the dots make it look finished, not to mention I don't dot my 'i's when I write because I'm expecting them to dot it up for me! Here's an example of the finished ornament with the dots. I was surprised when I started working here that the writing and the dots were two endeavors but now it's just "normal."
Anyways. Time to get Baby Bananaface brekkie-I let him sleep in a bit this morning :o)
Hope everyone is having a good weekend, definitely a wet one up here in the PNW!
Wednesday, November 9, 2016
Astounded
Last night I was quite calm. I even reassured my husband, "don't worry, he'll never win." Then we found ourselves shocked and gaping at the streaming news from the computer. Watching the electoral votes tally shift, we shook our heads and clasped hands. The impossible was happening. It wasn't a joke, it wasn't temporary, it was really happening.
We couldn't muster the energy to stay up and watch the conclusion, so in the morning the hubby whipped his phone out in bed and checked the results. He had won. Really. This was happening. It wasn't that we were raving Hillary supporters, she didn't really float our boats either, but we were more anti-Trump than anything else. I had been truly convinced that he could never win and then he did. The hubby and I were baffled and astounded.
Even though the results were so shocking and I would've never picked Trump for president, I still hold out hope that things will turn out okay. I can't fathom the scale of disaster so many seem to anticipate, yet I couldn't fathom him winning the election and that happened, so who knows what's possible? All I know is right now I don't feel afraid. I feel concerned or skeptical but for the most part I have faith in our country and even hold out hope that Trump can prove people wrong and be the president we need.
Sheesh. It's still not really sunk in. It feels like I'm stuck in some over-dramatized reality show! But all I can do is wait and see what happens.
Condolences and congratulations as appropriate to all my fellow Americans. I know there are a lot of happy folks just as there are shell-shocked disbelievers. In fact, I think that there are very, very few that don't fall in one of those two categories!
Anyways. The election is over and for that I'm grateful. Now we just gotta see where things go...
We couldn't muster the energy to stay up and watch the conclusion, so in the morning the hubby whipped his phone out in bed and checked the results. He had won. Really. This was happening. It wasn't that we were raving Hillary supporters, she didn't really float our boats either, but we were more anti-Trump than anything else. I had been truly convinced that he could never win and then he did. The hubby and I were baffled and astounded.
Even though the results were so shocking and I would've never picked Trump for president, I still hold out hope that things will turn out okay. I can't fathom the scale of disaster so many seem to anticipate, yet I couldn't fathom him winning the election and that happened, so who knows what's possible? All I know is right now I don't feel afraid. I feel concerned or skeptical but for the most part I have faith in our country and even hold out hope that Trump can prove people wrong and be the president we need.
Sheesh. It's still not really sunk in. It feels like I'm stuck in some over-dramatized reality show! But all I can do is wait and see what happens.
Condolences and congratulations as appropriate to all my fellow Americans. I know there are a lot of happy folks just as there are shell-shocked disbelievers. In fact, I think that there are very, very few that don't fall in one of those two categories!
Anyways. The election is over and for that I'm grateful. Now we just gotta see where things go...
Monday, September 12, 2016
Sunday Review/Happy Monday!
Yesterday was the 15th anniversary of 9/11 and even though I had been thinking of the event all week, I honestly forgot about it that morning until halfway through my walk with Fio.
It was a beautiful morning and I found myself feeling so grateful that I could be taking a peaceful walk without fearing for my life, even swapping content "good morning" greetings with my neighbors. We're just about strangers to each other but we're also countrymen with an undeniable link and that's so important to remember.
The radio station I happened to have on played the anthem on the hour all day and the hubs and I both really appreciated it (even got a little teary!) despite not being in love with the version they selected... but Whitney Houston's take on the anthem grew on us during the day I think.
I always end up feeling very grateful even though there are also many dark feelings like fear and anger that come along with these anniversaries.
Speaking of anniversaries, Sunday also happened to mark 5 months since I attempted to take my life. I still feel like I'm "sick" and frustrated to still be striving for some undefined "all better" or sense of feeling good enough (but really, even when I'm "healthy" I'm not sure if I've ever been able to maintain a sense of feeling good enough). I think that's a really complicated aspect of my mental health, but someday I hope to be at peace with myself and really, truly accepting my best as good enough.
All that said, I think I've made a lot of changes and my baby steps are adding up to many positive shifts in my health and my life. I still have hard days and I still wonder if I can hold it all together, but more and more I find myself believing in my own strength and appreciating the little things that I'm able to do now that I just couldn't manage those several months back-even simple things like getting out of the condo, feeding myself, and doing chores.
We didn't do anything specific to commemorate the date but the hubs and I were both contemplative and able to appreciate our family hike and time together a little more than usual :o)
Here are some fun pictures from the trail: a cool frog I spotted, a family selfie, and some goofy pics. Also, another selfie from story time at home that night.
Many emotions and ups and downs but overall a good day.
So far, my Monday is going well. I was feeling well enough to cancel the ECT appointment I made "just in case" last week. There were a few pretty bad days last week that made us think I might need a treatment to get the suicidal thoughts to subside, but I think I'm transitioning out of the darkness-at least I'm working hard to try and make that happen!
Anyways, the ECT staff and TMS staff have been very helpful and supportive and I'm so glad to have them as part of my treatment. It's amazing how such wonderful people manage to be in some of the darkest spots of life and brighten things up no matter how bad things get.
Happy Monday all!
It was a beautiful morning and I found myself feeling so grateful that I could be taking a peaceful walk without fearing for my life, even swapping content "good morning" greetings with my neighbors. We're just about strangers to each other but we're also countrymen with an undeniable link and that's so important to remember.
The radio station I happened to have on played the anthem on the hour all day and the hubs and I both really appreciated it (even got a little teary!) despite not being in love with the version they selected... but Whitney Houston's take on the anthem grew on us during the day I think.
I always end up feeling very grateful even though there are also many dark feelings like fear and anger that come along with these anniversaries.
Speaking of anniversaries, Sunday also happened to mark 5 months since I attempted to take my life. I still feel like I'm "sick" and frustrated to still be striving for some undefined "all better" or sense of feeling good enough (but really, even when I'm "healthy" I'm not sure if I've ever been able to maintain a sense of feeling good enough). I think that's a really complicated aspect of my mental health, but someday I hope to be at peace with myself and really, truly accepting my best as good enough.
All that said, I think I've made a lot of changes and my baby steps are adding up to many positive shifts in my health and my life. I still have hard days and I still wonder if I can hold it all together, but more and more I find myself believing in my own strength and appreciating the little things that I'm able to do now that I just couldn't manage those several months back-even simple things like getting out of the condo, feeding myself, and doing chores.
We didn't do anything specific to commemorate the date but the hubs and I were both contemplative and able to appreciate our family hike and time together a little more than usual :o)
Here are some fun pictures from the trail: a cool frog I spotted, a family selfie, and some goofy pics. Also, another selfie from story time at home that night.
Many emotions and ups and downs but overall a good day.
So far, my Monday is going well. I was feeling well enough to cancel the ECT appointment I made "just in case" last week. There were a few pretty bad days last week that made us think I might need a treatment to get the suicidal thoughts to subside, but I think I'm transitioning out of the darkness-at least I'm working hard to try and make that happen!
Anyways, the ECT staff and TMS staff have been very helpful and supportive and I'm so glad to have them as part of my treatment. It's amazing how such wonderful people manage to be in some of the darkest spots of life and brighten things up no matter how bad things get.
Happy Monday all!
Tuesday, April 12, 2016
We interrupt this A to Z Challenge for an update...
It's not an especially pleasant update.
I must include a TRIGGER WARNING.
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I wrote this earlier during the car ride to pick up Baby Bananaface from daycare and snapped the pictures once I got home:
It's a rainy Tuesday here in Western Washington. I'm enjoying the sound of raindrops on the rhododendron leaves, the soft petals trembling as cold drops splash on vibrant pink blooms while the hubster and I walk to the car on our way to pick up BB from daycare. My cheeks are flushed from impromptu afternoon lovemaking, my hair wet from the steamy shower I took afterwards to wash out the goo from my ECT treatment earlier in the day.
As we drive to the daycare I feel a confusing blend of gratitude, joy, and fear. My lovely afternoon followed an emergent ECT appointment because I had tried to kill myself the previous morning.
It was Monday. I drank my coffee, ate a donut, and then abruptly decided that next on my schedule was putting a plastic bag over my head, taping it shut around my neck, and taping my hands together in a towel so that I couldn't tear open the bag around my head when the end came. I made the bed, spritzed my pillows with a lavender oil diffusion, turned off the lights, and cranked up my heated throw to make things extra cozy.
The only reason I'm here writing about this is because I wanted to hear the hubster's voice one last time, or at least get a text from him. Since he didn't respond to my text I called. I tried to be inconspicuous but he caught on. He raced home, talking to me over speaker phone the entire way trying to keep me from doing what I'd already done. I knew hanging up would lead to him calling the police and not only did I not want to be interrupted I didn't want anyone breaking down our door. I yelled to the hubster through the plastic bag that I was fine and lied in a vain attempt to explain away the sound of duct tape being unfurled and then focused on slowing my breathing and calming down.
At some point the dog started barking, followed shortly thereafter by the hubster bursting into the bedroom. He lept onto the bed and tore at the bag around my face. Once he had ripped all the plastic, towel, and tape away we both broke into sobs and clung to each other.
"All I could think of was you," I sobbed, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
I could say that I've put my husband through a lot, but I think that it's important for me to rephrase that and say that my disorders have put us both through a lot.
I apologized over and over but he simply focused on the next steps: getting me on the ECT schedule as soon as possible, calling my psychiatrist, and getting back on track. I said that I didn't want to go to therapy that night and he asked if I would go if he went, I agreed. That's just how he rolls. A moment to weep and then back to business.
I can't imagine what he's been through but I'm amazed that he stays with me, that he's always focused on moving on, and that his love only seems to grow. I never knew I could love someone so much or feel so loved. It's not the same as my love for Baby Bananaface, it's a different magical thing-not the natural, biological love for my own child that yielded so easily to my suicidal impulses, but an "against all odds, nonsensical, miraculous" sort of love.
A life-saving love.
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The docs wanted me back in the hospital, but I declined. I am going back in for more ECT Friday and am working very closely with my therapist; checking in by text or phone call multiple times a day to make sure that I'm keeping busy and staying safe.
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| A chickadee BB and I saw when we all got home. I couldn't get a pic of the squirrel we saw, he was too squirrely! |
When I met with my therapist Monday night she said she wasn't convinced the hospital was the best place for me either because in the hospital I wasn't learning to cope with life or function in the real world. She asked if I could promise not to kill myself while working with her (I did) and then described the plan to keep in contact throughout the day until I was safer, saying that keeping me busy and helping me build a sense of self worth (I said I felt useless and like I was just a burden to the hubby because I didn't do anything all day) might be more worthwhile in the long run.
So that's the plan. Reintegrating chores, making dinner a couple times a week to help me feel like I'm contributing, working with my ECT doc to get me out of this slump, taper off more conservatively than before, and upping my medication. Therapy and DBT class are also part of the plan and I'm reaching out to FB friends and family to help improve my sense of belonging and create a security network to help keep me more accountable.
Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, one thing at a time-I'm still going.
Monday, March 28, 2016
Off-loading Some Worry
As I mentioned before, we did Easter at my parents' house. There were many wonderful parts to our day but there were also some worrisome bits that stressed me out a lot and inspired a lot of worry-and let's face it, I know how to worry with the best of them!
Why the worry, you ask? It has to do with my parents and my sister and my nephew.
Being at their place for the holiday did give me and my sister a little bonding time (playing catch/talking birth) but it also gave the hubs and I a teeny peek into what life has been like for those residing in my childhood home. It wasn't pretty (to us).
This is the point in my therapeutic writing where I start to doubt myself and qualify everything I type with internal commentary. For instance, You and Hubbo were there for a single day as guests, you don't really have the full picture, you don't know for certain what life is really like there, you don't know for certain how that baby is really taken care of, it's not your worry to worry, get over it, you sound so stupid, you're the daughter not the parent, stop worrying...
Well. I can't hush this worry. I don't want to write off my feelings. Maybe they're not completely logical or valid but I can't keep my concern locked up---I have tears brimming as I write this because I am so conflicted, so worried, so confused and concerned, but all I can do is try to express myself and hope it helps me get a bit of better grip, so please bear with me!
*psyching myself up*
During our visit we heard chatter about the upcoming move. My parents have had a realtor (or a gaggle of "realtor ladies" as they refer to them) check out the house and apparently after a bit of painting, a few new doors, and a few other little projects they'll have it up for sale.
It's a little emotional thinking about my childhood home going into a stranger's care but the sadness that plagues me seems to have more to do with my concern for my parents making a productive move, a healthy change. When I heard my sister and mother talking about large split level homes I became worried about their future. My father seems to be thinking the same direction as me, smaller, less work, paying off some things off-not moving into an equally large if not larger home to make room for my sister to have as separate a living space as possible... uh, WHAT!?
I know my sister is in the shit and needs the extra help but do they expect to help her raise this child forever? I don't want them jeopardizing their retirement buying some big ass house and giving themselves extra stress with some large yard to take care of just because my sister happens to be living with them at the moment. I'm sure as soon as she can afford it she will jump ship to her own place.
When I can think a bit more clearly I tend to think, Of course they are aware of this, Dad even mentioned 55+ neighborhoods and townhomes, you don't have anything to worry about, they are the "adults" they'll take care of themselves, don't worry, but the anxiety still clings to my heart as anyone with anxiety will know.
It doesn't make much sense, but I feel compelled to voice my worries to them as I can't seem to quiet them but I also feel that it is quite inappropriate. Speaking with my father and the hubster around the card table while my mom and sister did baby things, it seems like my dad is geared toward trying to make a smart move to a smaller place, lower maintenance, travel friendly, paying off what they can etc. That is reassuring to me but hearing my mother and sister talk about the move like they were freaks me the hell out! *sigh*
My other worries have to do with my sister and the baby. My nephew is four months old and doesn't seem quite up to speed. They say he smiles but we've never seen it and his movement seems... off. I don't know if it's just the giant gourd or what (his head is definitely 100th percentile).
She is affectionate towards him but at times ambivalent and annoyed, to some degree that's totally normal but I also worry if it's a bonding issue or postpartum setting in or both but watching the baby and her and my parents and the whole awkward situation was quite distressing. Listening to my sister on the phone with her baby's daddy was upsetting because of the dysfunction and her seeming unconcern with leaving her child with him and his family for Easter... maybe my standards are just different.
It puts my stomach in knots thinking of that dude. I think he might be twenty now but not more than that and the way they spoke (or from what I heard on my sister's end) doesn't bode well for this "family's" future. He was a virgin when they met, they supposedly weren't "doing anything." He grew up in a heavily Christian family and was spoiled, "never held accountable for his actions" as my father puts it and apparently the boy's parents blame my sister for the entire thing. Don't get me wrong, she has her fair share of responsibility, but this dude is just as much a part of the clusterduck* as she is!
So. These are the things that are bearing down on me of late. Things that I cannot do anything about, things that worrying over is quite useless, things that don't have a lot to do directly with me as it goes anyhow! But I struggle. Hopefully this post will help me :o)
*trying to work on my cussing ;o)
Why the worry, you ask? It has to do with my parents and my sister and my nephew.
Being at their place for the holiday did give me and my sister a little bonding time (playing catch/talking birth) but it also gave the hubs and I a teeny peek into what life has been like for those residing in my childhood home. It wasn't pretty (to us).
This is the point in my therapeutic writing where I start to doubt myself and qualify everything I type with internal commentary. For instance, You and Hubbo were there for a single day as guests, you don't really have the full picture, you don't know for certain what life is really like there, you don't know for certain how that baby is really taken care of, it's not your worry to worry, get over it, you sound so stupid, you're the daughter not the parent, stop worrying...
Well. I can't hush this worry. I don't want to write off my feelings. Maybe they're not completely logical or valid but I can't keep my concern locked up---I have tears brimming as I write this because I am so conflicted, so worried, so confused and concerned, but all I can do is try to express myself and hope it helps me get a bit of better grip, so please bear with me!
*psyching myself up*
During our visit we heard chatter about the upcoming move. My parents have had a realtor (or a gaggle of "realtor ladies" as they refer to them) check out the house and apparently after a bit of painting, a few new doors, and a few other little projects they'll have it up for sale.
It's a little emotional thinking about my childhood home going into a stranger's care but the sadness that plagues me seems to have more to do with my concern for my parents making a productive move, a healthy change. When I heard my sister and mother talking about large split level homes I became worried about their future. My father seems to be thinking the same direction as me, smaller, less work, paying off some things off-not moving into an equally large if not larger home to make room for my sister to have as separate a living space as possible... uh, WHAT!?
I know my sister is in the shit and needs the extra help but do they expect to help her raise this child forever? I don't want them jeopardizing their retirement buying some big ass house and giving themselves extra stress with some large yard to take care of just because my sister happens to be living with them at the moment. I'm sure as soon as she can afford it she will jump ship to her own place.
When I can think a bit more clearly I tend to think, Of course they are aware of this, Dad even mentioned 55+ neighborhoods and townhomes, you don't have anything to worry about, they are the "adults" they'll take care of themselves, don't worry, but the anxiety still clings to my heart as anyone with anxiety will know.
It doesn't make much sense, but I feel compelled to voice my worries to them as I can't seem to quiet them but I also feel that it is quite inappropriate. Speaking with my father and the hubster around the card table while my mom and sister did baby things, it seems like my dad is geared toward trying to make a smart move to a smaller place, lower maintenance, travel friendly, paying off what they can etc. That is reassuring to me but hearing my mother and sister talk about the move like they were freaks me the hell out! *sigh*
My other worries have to do with my sister and the baby. My nephew is four months old and doesn't seem quite up to speed. They say he smiles but we've never seen it and his movement seems... off. I don't know if it's just the giant gourd or what (his head is definitely 100th percentile).
She is affectionate towards him but at times ambivalent and annoyed, to some degree that's totally normal but I also worry if it's a bonding issue or postpartum setting in or both but watching the baby and her and my parents and the whole awkward situation was quite distressing. Listening to my sister on the phone with her baby's daddy was upsetting because of the dysfunction and her seeming unconcern with leaving her child with him and his family for Easter... maybe my standards are just different.
It puts my stomach in knots thinking of that dude. I think he might be twenty now but not more than that and the way they spoke (or from what I heard on my sister's end) doesn't bode well for this "family's" future. He was a virgin when they met, they supposedly weren't "doing anything." He grew up in a heavily Christian family and was spoiled, "never held accountable for his actions" as my father puts it and apparently the boy's parents blame my sister for the entire thing. Don't get me wrong, she has her fair share of responsibility, but this dude is just as much a part of the clusterduck* as she is!
So. These are the things that are bearing down on me of late. Things that I cannot do anything about, things that worrying over is quite useless, things that don't have a lot to do directly with me as it goes anyhow! But I struggle. Hopefully this post will help me :o)
*trying to work on my cussing ;o)
Sunday, March 27, 2016
Easter
What a day! A super long day.... It all started around 6:00 AM when the baby got up and the hubs started shaving and chopping potatoes for me so I could make my scalloped potatoes for the Easter food thing.
I nearly had a panic attack in the middle of it as I thought of sharing my small victory (cooking something) with my secret FB group from the ward. I got so nervous and self conscious and confused if it was appropriate or not I started to panic BUT I used my DBT skills and was able to hush the panic before the light-headedness or creepy smell or tingly tingles! It was doubly proud then and I did post to the FB group with the extra "GO ME!" of conquering a panic moment :)
The hubster was very excited for me.... and the potatoes. They were a hit and we didn't have to bring any leftovers home *score*
The Easter visit to my folks' house (where my sister and her child are living as well) went pretty well, though I was quite exhausted and overwhelmed by the time we left. My nephew cried A LOT, and I'm talking we were thinking he might have colic. There were a few rare quiet moments but not enough to keep me un-stressed and unconcerned... anyways. Pictures time!
Awkward family photos with blue bunny ears. Of course!
On the hunt with Grandpa and Grandma (my folks) and Daddy.
The first egg had puffs in it and he offered me one so I had to try it... not the best (sweet potato I think) but he ate the rest!
Baby Bananaface passed out in his cousin's bouncy thing WITH THE TECHNO MUSIC BLASTING! It was crazy, but pretty much captures how tired we all were with our epic Easter Saturday.
I wish we had pictures of playing catch with the softball. My abs were sore that night and this morning! I sweat, was pretty uncomfortable with my fat roll and tight jeans, and missed my fair share of catches but it was a lot of fun and really nice to actually have a chat with my sister (she got to share her birth story with me, night and day compared to mine and I felt sorry for her but it was 'successful' if sadly conventional, at least now she knows what the doctors meant when they told her '3' about her tear, ugh pisses me off how women are treated in hospital when it comes to birth-speaking generally of course).
Also got to play with my dad and the hubs, which was fun and it felt so good to hear my dad tell me "Good job" but boy the poor hubs has a lot of practicing to do! W O W it was rough. He looks all rugged and manly and stuff but I forget he ain't so sporty (thank goodness, really, I ain't so much either and I need the tech support something silly).
The way home I had to take an anti-anxiety tablet and thank goodness for good ole Starbucks for a little sugar boost, but I had a marvelous night's sleep last night and am feeling back to good, mostly today-except for this damned runny nose.
I'm gonna say success. I had moments of feeling close and connected with my family and then I had horrendous anxiety and sadness thinking about my nephew and my parents and.... that's a whole other post. I'll dump my worries some other day!
For now, Happy Easter, whatever that means to you :) Enjoy this Sunday and hopefully something delicious (we had ham, pretzel rolls, my scalloped potatoes, asparagus, corn, and the ugliest "bunny" cake my sister and mom could find haha) and enjoy your family and/or friends if you can. To me, that's what holidays are all about! and then the whole "meaning" behind the .... WHATEVER! I'm logging off, I can't stop babblin!
Hugs to all, be well.
:)
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
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