Weekend Update

Tomorrow we have plans to meet my family for a hike to scatter my uncle's ashes on Mt. Rainier. I know it's a bit morbid, but I've been looking forward to this event all week as a chance to get out and do something with my family that we don't normally do-and I tend to enjoy hikes!

Yesterday I did a volunteer shift at the blood bank and met a lovely lady that was also volunteering there. It certainly made the time go by faster chatting with her between helping donors and doing little chores. I hope I get to work another shift with her in the future.

Today I was able to hit the morning gym class and even managed to take Baby Bananaface with me and to the gym childcare totally solo! I get freaked out whenever the hubster recommends a little solo parenting action but I've been coping pretty well lately and it feels really good when I succeed so I'm gonna keep trying more and more while not overwhelming myself.

It's been an up and down day today and definitely have had some anxiety issues but only a few moments when I felt really crappy or upset. My skills have been working for me although dealing with anxiety for so long is frustrating and exhausting.

It's hard to explain what it's like to be on the "not great" spectrum near constantly, where feeling only a little bad seems like a pretty good deal and mild suffering is a normal thing. Then sometimes I just get pissed off and sick of feeling crappy and still other times I'm at that extreme of pain and suffering. It's so rare to feel really "good" or "fine;" the positive or neutral feelings seem strange and alien at times... I just have to remember that I'll have more of the better days as I get better overall. I have had stretches of happy weeks in my life and I can again!

Snapped a little at the hubby today (a rarity!). He seems to forget sometimes that my anxiety can be up for hours on end and I have to actively cope nearly all day and it can be very stressful and tiring. Sometimes he even asks why I just can't think of something else! *sigh* If only. I told him he just had to suck it up and deal with whatever deep breathing I needed to do to get through my anxiety and that was that. He said he appreciated my assertiveness and gave me a charming smile *blush* I felt like I was blowing up on him and he just took it like a tropical breeze! Oh, I sure love him.

Enjoyed sitting on the balcony watching and listening to the downpour this afternoon-even got to edit/revamp one of the hubby's essays which was really fun for me. So overall, a decent day, even bordering on good!

Wishing everyone wonderful weekends-thanks for checking in :o)



OH! Late breaking news, the insurance got sorted out for my new medication so I get to pick that up on Monday. Definitely nervous and afraid of side effects but hoping that it turns out to be a perfect match and helps me out somehow. I've never had anything but my anti-anxiety pills really help when it comes to my mood but it seems like it would be a wonderful asset!

Kitty of the Week-Jones

This is Jones, whom I had the pleasure of meeting at PAWS this week. He is HUGE!

His tail is curled constantly and he has long legs and behaves almost like a dog. What a charmer and a sunny spot on my week.

Guilty As Charged

Okay, I haven't been posting a lot lately. I'm gonna flash my wedding card and call it good.

In a couple of weeks I'll have my brain back and actually write something, but til then just some PAWS kitties :o)

Grey, soft, adorable!

A cat called Owl

"ALIEN TOY! MINE!"

"Meh. I can entertain myself."

Much Needed Cuteness

PAWS Cuddles-Raisin, Cleo, and ... uhh that black & white one!

KITTEHS!

 Iroh's fashionista side, Millie doing her human sit and Millie getting trashed.

Last Week

What a week.

Monday's therapy was a doozy and has got me thinking 24/7 and then my exhasted/phlegmy feelings turned into a full blown illness Tuesday morning. The fiance made sure I took medicine (which I resist not because of taste but because of an unspoken family edict) but I was still in bed all day Tuesday.

Wednesday was the 4th of July BBQ at my parents' house-an old family tradition but with a new twist this year. Since my brother has been on the east coast going to school and won't be here for his birthday we made this year's 4th of July BBQ his birthday party as well.

This altered the guest list  a bit and we had much younger attendees from his circle of friends. You might expect some drunken debauchery, eh? But no, they weren't the issue. The drunken idiot of the party would be my fiance. Lovely.

I really didn't care until he got home and puked all over EVERYTHING. Being sick myself (in a more legitimate way I might add) I refused to clean up after him and made sure he cleaned it up himself before he went to work the next morning.

I don't think I would've cared about him cutting loose if it hadn't A) resulted in pukeage and B) screwed up my Thursday because he didn't unload the car due to his drunken state. Being sick I wasn't strong enough to haul Fio's kennel back up to the apartment and had to have the fiance meet me to pick up the pup before I could go to volunteer shift.

That shift was the shortest EVER. I lasted barely 45 minutes and didn't pet a single cat. Just food and poop patrol and I was outta there!

Today I was still very phlegmy and using masses of tissues and spending the majority of my time in bed. I will say the sickness has meant more stitching time and I'm nearly finished with our wedding stitchery-I'll post pics later.

I'm Losing My Touch

This is the second time this month I've come home with a boo-boo from my volunteer shift.

The week before last it was scratches and a cat bite (which luckily didn't get infected). This week I got a scratch on my palm from a normally very friendly cat.

What the heck is going on?

Am I losing my cat whisperer skills since Fio entered my life?

I've certainly been more on-edge and anxious since we got the dog, but that also coincides with financial awareness and stress, so it'd most likely be because of that and not really my pup. Either way I feel like a big sissy lately.

Okay, I haven't been crying or breaking down or super anxious where I can't leave the house. By "sissy" I mean that I'm feeling down on myself because I have backslid a bit. I'm not as confident, relaxed, assured, or joyful. I feel like the weak Hannah when my depression and anxiety is getting the better of me and I don't like that feeling!

This morning I was reminded of how everyday is a fresh start and I'm going to cling to that and hope for better days!

Oh The Raging Flow...

OF EMOTIONS!

Since I've had my IUD my period has gently tapered to next to nothing and comes infrequently whenever it pleases. As such, it's hard to tell when my hormonal fluctuations are getting the best of me-which is only complicated by the fact that therapy and peeling back layers of mental dams flushes my systems with emotions.

The last week has been a white water week of emotions.

This past weekend (Memorial Day weekend) the fiance and I trekked up to NCNP for our first camping trip of the summer at Colonial Creek campground.

Even though I had told myself to forget about "the dog thing," before leaving that Friday I had found a dog online that I was smitten with and emailed to the fiance. Throughout the camping trip I was musing dogs.

The reaction in me was so strong as I wobbled between rational and emotional reasons I felt like a madwoman. I had already dismissed the idea, given up-reneged a couple applications from private rescues and washed my hands of the dog search and yet here I was again!

My body, mind, and soul wouldn't let this dog thing lie.

Once home I was moody and sad, sleepless and disinterested in just about everything. Monday was therapy and we talked about the big emotions coming out around this dog issue. It was confusing. I basically came away with a sense that it was okay to have these emotions even when it seems completely ass-backwards and silly.

It's okay to be sensitive and vulnerable even the issue seems stupid! I let my fiance know that I'd be emotional, and I didn't want to guilt him into anything and I would be okay, I just needed time.

Next thing ya know we're driving down the corridor to Seattle Humane Society to check out pups. The dog I had been attracted to had been and foster and had been adopted. The subsequent dogs I found interesting online weren't to be found at the shelter either.

We headed towards PAWS but they were closed. We found some cute pups online later in the week and were back at PAWS during lunch break on Wednesday...

The dogs were gone. I began thinking it was a sign.

Turns out they were in clinic getting fixed, but my soul was a bit crushed. Every time I thought I'd found a companion they were whisked away by some mystical force (the mind is a crazy thing).

I was ready to give up. I said "I give up." Then the fiance sends me a pic of another potential dog he found online. &%^$! I end up smoking on the balcony and slumping my way through Wednesday afternoon until he gets home and I tell him how frustrated I was at seeing that picture.

It was an adorable dog, it was a perfect dog, and it was an unobtainable dog. The cosmos had rejected my desire, I needed to give this up and he brought it right back up!

The next day before my volunteer shift I went to PAWS early (they had said that the dogs we missed on Wednesday would be there to see on Thursday). I felt stupid and weak-minded, but had fun visiting with the puppies.

Oddly enough, those dogs were there but they didn't catch my eye. Another dog did-a black poodle called George. He was reserved and didn't come to the front of his kennel until I squatted down and beckoned-then he was all wiggly tail-wagging and kisses.

I was intrigued. I called my mother for guidance and she played to my doubts about finances and doing the logical thing. Even then my heart still had a glimmer of yearning. I phoned the fiance and asked him to come check out the dogs, and even if nothing came of it to come bring me a big hug.

He shows up and the poodle is gone.  @!&#^#$%&!!!!

I give up yet again and stalk out of the kennels and we have a chat in the parking lot. He tries to convince me that it's all right and not necessarily a sign and that we can do this and I reject all that I can.

Then a lady appears. Also wearing a green volunteer shirt she approaches the car next to us (he's standing in the space between our cars and we're chatting with my door open). "Were you looking for a dog you couldn't find?" BOOM.

My eyes are glistening with tears and we explain the situation, I even explain how every dog I seem to like disappears and she tells us that we should just ask. "Just ask. Sometimes you have to go a little outside your comfort zone, but if you get snubbed-oh well, you just have to ask."

Well, we had to go back in after that.

The dog was still missing. No one knew where he went. It took twenty minutes to find this dog-he had been secreted away for a special purpose (top-secret shelter kind of stuff) and just because I was a volunteer and had found out about this special stash we got to sneak back and meet him.

I was melting, of course, and apparently the fiance did too. When we got back to the lobby he pressed for information on how to further the adoption process even as I was wide-eyed and scared and shocked about the whole thing. They sounded pretty reluctant to let this dog go and a little miffed that I had found him and gone through all this trouble to get my fiance to meet him.

"Come back tomorrow at noon."

Holy cow.

I was in a daze all the way home-the fiance practically had to push me to my car and tell me to drive home or I would've stood there in the parking lot for half an hour staring into oblivion.

Is this really happening? Will he be there when I go back today at noon? Am I getting a dog?

To be continued....

An Interesting Thursday

I was inexplicably anxious and reluctant to leave the apartment for my volunteer shift this week. The fact that I would've appreciated the assistance of a chainsaw while squeezing into my cords that afternoon didn't help my mood...

Once I reached PAWS I enjoyed a substantial chat with my supervisor and the conversation seemed to pluck my mood even more into the spotlight of my  mind.

The mountain-cat, Barry

We were simply chatting while working. Musing about the lack of volunteers and the even more troublesome lack of good volunteers. With the busy season coming soon he needed to know if I would be hanging around through the summer-I reassured him that I was and he admired my commitment.

 Accepting the compliments was difficult for me. Accepting any compliment is difficult for me. 

I minimize my qualities and exaggerate my flaws. I don't hold myself to a average standard that the rest of society functions by-I hold myself to a much, much higher standard and it wears on me like heavy iron shackles.

Mia-a cat of two moods that shift with the flip of a coin!
Sweet meows to moody growls and hisses...

I love volunteering and taking care of oodles of cats, but it does hamper my schedule occasionally and it is work.  I just don't credit myself with much achievement for being a reliable, hardworking volunteer. 

I do what I'm asked to do and try to socialize each cat and leave notes whenever I can, but I forget that the majority of people don't dedicate their time in that way and some that try do not become reliable or long-term volunteers.

Rolling the uncomfortable feeling around in my mind I realized how little I liked myself. How worthless I feel and the deep vein of disgust I have for myself that runs deep through my being. I'm ashamed and angry and grief stricken by my perceived failure and loss, my life missing its target. 

Adorable Lisbeth, snuggly senior with a shy streak.

The rest of the evening I was in an odd, moody haze. The fiance was fretting at my quiet, pensive mood and asked frequently what I was thinking and if I was anxious or thinking of self-harm. I couldn't handle the pressure of the inquisition-I reassured him and dismissed him while I snuggled in bed, trying to regain an even keel.

Eventually he went to bed and I stayed up writing in my journal and musing. I realized how often I reacted angrily toward the fiance for loving me-for caring or being affectionate because I hated to confront the hatred I nurse toward myself.

It was a heavy realization. It still weighs on me now.

I've heard you can't love someone else until you love yourself and I'm terrified of what potential damage I have wrought on our relationship by forgetting my self love and drifting into my familiar resentment.

Not exactly the kinds of things I wanted to be thinking about while planning my wedding but that's therapy for ya-it stirs up some hidden, heavy feelings and my emotional stew is full of guilt and shame that makes the going even muddier.

APRIL Comes in Like a Lion

April 1st the fiance and I went on a day trip to Bellingham to visit/meet one of my old bankin' girlfriends for brunch and see the town.

I was excited to see my friend and we chatted up a storm but things between me and the fiance were a bit tense. Well, mostly I was pretty tense and picked a fight about turn signal use on freeways and then he got tense and even more tense after the poor service at the restaurant. At least the food was great-check out Bayou on Bay-hopefully we just got the C-line waiters or something.

Anywho, we ended up in one of those intense, long talks about the wedding and how I feel so attached to the wedding planning as a reflection on myself. I basically said, "I'm done." No more wedding planning. I may make some decorations but I ain't plannin' and I ain't worrying. My main concern with the wedding will be purging the worries from my thoughts!

The next day I completely missed therapy. I set alarms and was set to leave the house "right on time" when my phone's clock displayed 2:20 and not 1:20. Double checked the times on the microwave and computer and realized that I was a whole hour off schedule.

Luckily there had been an appointment cancelled for that evening and the fiance accompanied down to Seattle for my therapy session. Once again I was tense and agitated and soon quivering with anger and frustration. I was ready to go to therapy and explain to my therapist how pointless all this effort was and that we should just recognize I'm a dead-girl walking and let me go to my death and save everyone else the trouble of dealing with my disease.

Didn't quite turn out that way.

I actually began the session in a curled up, quivering ball of rage that quickly devolved into snot and tears. Straight talk was too intense so the entire session was carried out in complex metaphors. There was one about a fawn in a field surrounded by dark woods and another about a room full of people that were actually safes lumbering around with painful memories and hurt secreted away in their locked compartments.

It was all a little kooky and I can't imagine being in the fiance's position of sitting there and watching the whole performance, but it got me turned around and I definitely felt lighter afterward.

My mother came up to visit the next day after I had met my ornament friend for a yoga class. The next couple days Mom helped me clean the apartment and get some momentum going by keeping me out of the house and awake all day helping her find her MOB dress for the wedding.

We found the dress and on Thursday I had a good session at PAWS while today I was able to get out for a short walk by the lake AND do laundry enough to see the bottom of the clothes hamper!

March was a rough, rough month and April got off to a rocky start as well-but I think I sense a bit of my tension dissipating and a little more fire kindling in my soul. 

PAWS

Since last September I've been volunteering at a local animal shelter called PAWS and I've really enjoyed it. I feel much more at home there, more confident, and really happy with my role in CAT ISO (kitty sick bay).

I have helped out with the cat room where the adoptable cats are housed and don't like it nearly as much. There taking care of animals is combined with helping the public-HECTIC!

Snow-a recent intake with the sniffles.

This past week I met some nice kitties and after a few weeks having just one or no kitties at all I was happy to see some patients in ISO (not that I like cats to be sick!). Even though things have been slow in ISO I know that things will change rapidly with the seasons-summer and fall will be crazy.

Last year during the fall I had in excess of 35 cats in ISO at once. That's nuts! They barely fit in the building!

Rhett & Felix-Rhett is an elderly, quiet, cuddly senior with one fang
 while Felix is a spunky, chunky adult with a purr motor Ferrari would envy.

Consider then that certain cats have special diet requirements, some need litter box changes, some vomit, some have diarrhea all over their cage and themselves, some meow your ear off for attention, laundry has to be rotated, dishes have to be washed and sanitized, and litter pans have to be cleansed as well.

And you have three hours to accomplish this.

By yourself.

Harley-cutey with a kitten face and a senior's experience! 

Luckily I'm a fast learner and I love cats. Despite the occasional gag-attack I've loved my work at PAWS and have been contemplating adding another shift since it doesn't look like I'll be working full time anytime soon.

I may not be able to plan my own wedding but I can wash litter pans like no one's business! Bring on the summer/fall rush!

YAY FOR WILLOW!

I just found out that Willow (one of my fav's from ISO) was adopted and taken into a good home. She was 11 or 12 years old and I bit concerned that her senior status wouldn't get her scooped up, but her looks and charms did!

I'm so happy she's taken care of :o) She was the first cat I asked my fiance if I could bring home haha Certainly not the last! Thank goodness we don't have more room, we'd be sleeping on the floor to make room for the cats on the bed!

In other news-the fiance and I started up at the YMCA this morning. It was a little precarious wandering about before the sun got up but in the end I really enjoyed it and the luv makes a great workout partner.

Now-onto PAWS for more misadventures, cuddles, and POOP!

Congrats, Bud

Bud, the cat, was adopted this past week. He was an awesome cat, even for an ISO cat that was sick as a dog. Friendly, charming, and spunky-even when faced with an itchy bacterial skin infection.

Enjoy your new family, Bud. I hope they're as special as you are! We'll miss ya bud.  :o)

Wow!

What a movie. The fiance and I just finished watching "The Help." I laughed-I cried-I LOVED IT!

I have to admit that I didn't really know what the movie was about-other than a white girl helping some black maids write a book. I was under the impression that the maids wanted to publish a book about cleaning-not about their lives as maids during segregation.

In the end, I'm glad that I went into the movie with little to no expectations or idea about the film's content and I can honestly say that this movie stands on its own. I haven't read the book, but I'm sure it is just as good to spawn such a wonderful film.

In other news, tonight was my volunteer night at the shelter and I had some more encounters with extreme kitty drool and only one case of nauseating diarrhea!

One cat dripped drool onto my jeans and sweater sleeves while I petted her and she purred. I felt the warm pellets of moisture seep into the cotton of my jeans and warm my skin and in that moment I wasn't annoyed by the sickly slobber at all-I was so happy to be there, comforting that cat while it recovered from it's bout of kitty flu.

While I work on ornaments I listen to KUOW and the world's news. Although KUOW does provide lots of reports and stories about quirky incidents or happy stories, most of the world's news is pretty depressing-especially when the top stories concern Congress. But listening to public radio all day makes me feel so good about helping those sick cats. KUOW helps me appreciate the kitty drool and my own healthy cats here at home.

Today was a good day :o)

Whew

Today was a little rough, but I made it through in decent spirits!

Left work a little earlier than anticipated because my shoulder knot was giving me some sharp pains (I have chronic shoulder tension and crouching over a desk for hours on end doesn't exactly help the situation). I was able to eat some hot lunch and rest before my volunteer shift at PAWS.

I was happy to see that one of my former "patients" made it out of Cat Isolation and onto the adoption floor. He's a sweet guy named Bud and the first time I saw him I thought of my brother! For some reason, they have an uncanny and inexplicable resemblance.

In related news, I had a fascinating dream last night where the aforementioned brother became a transvestite. He looked pretty good too! Lots of bronzer and a tiny pink skirt....

Anywho. The rest of my shift went pretty well. It's been two weeks since I was at the shelter and I did forget to make notes on the cats' appetites but otherwise I had everything under control-except for the drool.

I have never been drooled on so much. I guess that's what happens when you get lucky enough to have a shift without any diarrhea. The drooly cats were sweet, just too sweet for having all that drool. I don't exactly want kisses and snuggles under my chin when they're dripping globs of drool!

I really do enjoy spending time with the cats in ISO-even with the drool and diarrhea :o)