Check out this mural!

Well, online I mean.

A must if you're a bird lover and there are factoids and recordings and bonus tidbits if you click on the birds! Much fun. I enjoyed it.

Also like allaboutbirds.org, great resource!


As far as life goes...

Baby is sick. No temperature but TONS of boogers and TONS of tears and TONS of shrieking. It sucks. I can handle a bit of it but then I'm totally off the rez and have to isolate to recoup.

and

I'm achy. I was just lying down covered in heating pads trying to untense my body and settle my mind and instead I had some sort of unsettling panic attack. There was even this creepy smell that came over me as my mind collapsed (it's happened before)... it was so scary and sad and frustrating but at least I was able to tell myself "I'm okay. I'm safe. I'm okay. I'm safe" out loud and I just kept repeating it until I was strong enough to look around, see that I was safe and eventually get out of bed.

Today was up and then down. The hubs, babe, me, and the dog took a long walk this morning and it was  mostly good except for the fact that I got to thinking about everything that has gone on and it was saddening. I felt feisty at first, "hey, look what I've accomplished, I survived, etc.," but then the crying baby got to be too much and then the hen-pecking hubby pushed me over the edge. I was a yelling, cussing, pained bitch but anyways.... the everything.

I remember years ago being hauled away in the back of a cop car, spending the night in a crisis center. I remember therapy and therapy and therapy. I remember spending nearly two weeks inpatient and then working through an outpatient program. I'm aware that I don't remember all the meds that I've tried, I just know it's a lot (in my book at least). I remember spending over two weeks in inpatient and getting ECT and then spending weeks doing ECT outpatient and all the nausea and pain and impatience as I waited for the depression to leave me and never quite getting satisfaction. I remember self-harming. Crying. Screaming. Wrist-banging. I remember hugging and clinging and long talks and tears and sighs and relief. I remember confusion... that hasn't changed much!

As I feel myself edging toward the light, having more good days, but still struggling to leave the darkness behind, I feel hope and excitement but I also feel fear. I'm so afraid of backsliding, or of the madness returning full force at some point further down the road. I feel haunted, cursed, broken. Not so good!

Anyways. I need to do something else. Maybe I'll browse the mural again, maybe I'll watch TV, maybe I'll just rock myself for a little bit.

Wishing easier nights (or days) for those reading.

Keep keeping on.

My Wet Wednesday Outing

I want to do weekly outings every Wednesday to make sure I'm seeing new places and doing new things. This week was my first "Wednesday Outing" and I decided to explore a part of the North Creek Trail system I had yet to trek.

It was raining steadily the entire 45 minutes or so I wandered the boardwalks, some of which floated and moved under me where the water was really high. I enjoyed the sound of the rain and the flowing water, although there was a moment or two when I imagined the boardwalks breaking up or sinking-a little anxiety moment or two but it didn't take long to get my breathing calmed down. Baby slept for the most part and just got a little wet around the edges, seems like I might need to get the big old plastic stroller condom rain shield thing after all.. grumble grumble.

And a lovely RIP to the banana bread... you were delicious.

Japanese Gardens

Pics from one of the outpatient Wednesday outings:

Gingko was one of my fav trees

Can't see him, but there was a turtle making quite an effort
to combat the koi for nibbles!

Turtle island.

(A) Can't decide

(B) which daisy picture

(C) I like best!

For whatever reason I like this "up the nose" selfie

Lots of paths

Felt symbolic of choosing a new path

Loved this special spot by the the stream

Looking forward to making my own Wednesday outings with B.B. :)

Old Pics and Update

Sunny summer days on the trail with my favorite part of the trail-the birds! Even on my worst days birds can pick me up, today isn't the worst day or the best, but I've been wanting to put these photos/video up so here I go.... wellness update at bottom.

Can you spy the baby woodpecker? Made my day a couple weeks ago.

Took a video, he was pretty sensitive-so I tried to keep quiet :) He finally noticed me and I had to sneak away. So cute how he was practicing pecking and crawling!

I saw this way-cool duck on a different day. I saw her swimming and on my way back she was on shore and I snapped a pic. Not entirely sure what she is... a different species or a mutated mallard? Either way, I love her! Gorgeous! 

In Hannah news, I'm better today but not well by any stretch. Still weak, still flooded with anxiety.

I spent some time away from the condo and B.B. which was nice. Did lab work and  went to the cafe by the trail I walk that I usually navigate with my big ass stroller but today it was just me and laptop-stuffed purse. The hubs is home again but he'll be at the office tomorrow-I'm planning to be out of the house as much as possible.

Talked with my mother this afternoon on phone/texting. Baby shower for my sister and all sorts of shit. The hubs is dead set against it. I think I'm going to ask a family friend to meet me so I can hand off my gift...

It was a weird conversation with my mom. She was talking about why the hubs is coming at all and what will he do and how I was going to handle B.B. and keep him from being passed around since I'm so sensitive about that and then I just cracked, "BECAUSE I'VE BEEN SUICIDAL AND SELF HARMING THIS WEEK." She engaged for a little bit but then diverted to telling stories about my sister and talking more about the shower, closing the call with a "we're here for you, you just have to say when you need us, I love you missy."

The hubs had tried to help me by typing notes as I was on call, "DONT LET HER MANIPULATE YOU" and "DONT GET INTO DETAILS, IT OPENS THE DOOR" whatever that one meant, but I overshared, got nothing back, nothing new. Lonely and disappointed. That's what mothers are for right? (dark sarcasm) I have to remind myself that I don't have to be like that, that good mothers happen all the time and that B.B. won't necessarily feel about me how I feel about my mom or go through what I have.... Ugh. Anyway.

I felt sick. Stomach in knots. Wanting to scream, to call "bullshit," to hang up on her. Ugh. I wish I could get my body pumped for anger like a stomach pump for poisons.

Not good timing for more family shit methinks.

Looking forward to La Leche League picnic Saturday but concerned about energy levels and perceived hypocrisy (going to that instead of Sunday shower).

Oh, appointment bumped up to Friday due to a cancellation, so that's good. Skipping counseling tomorrow, rearranging babysitting again.... This week is just a cluster!




OH I-spy woodpecker answers below :)

Simple Things

Tired, well, actually more like exhausted and one good night's rest just wasn't enough to rejuvenate me. Anyway, despite my tiredness I have felt well this morning compared to the last few days. I was able to enjoy some simple things this morning and felt like this was worth acknowledging! It is remarkable how much pleasure can be gained from a simple cup of coffee and some potted flowers.

I quite enjoyed planting these flowers yesterday and while I never thought this day would come, I can honestly say that I would relish the opportunity to garden in my own yard some day. Growing up I hated yard work, I was afraid of bugs and didn't like getting dirty, but now there is something therapeutic and soothing to the work now, a connection to the Universe that nourishes my faith like only nature can.

Just a minor note regarding the flowers... I have wanted a coleus plant for years and I am especially enjoying having one. Same goes for the cockscomb. Can you tell I'm very tactile???

Also, my chintzy glowy LED ball ornament gives me joy :)

Geekin' Out Withdrawals

At the Calgary Zoo we got to see wood bison (as opposed to plains bison) for the first time. Having had no idea there were different subspecies of American bison I felt my head implode a little bit.

Another implosion moment occurred when I was surfing Wiki and read the scientific name for the plains bison, Bison bison bison.

Seriously. Gotta be the best scientific name ever.

It also reminded me of this trivia from high school, I think a history teacher brought it up? But maybe my lit teacher? I don't recall, but I certainly remember "Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo."

After using one word that many times it ceases to resemble a word at all, don't you think?

I suppose I'm withdrawing from the vacation and missing the beautiful blue skies, chilly air, and gorgeous mountains-and apparently the zoo visit ;) The withdrawals got me thinking of Iceland again and that beautiful landscape. *lesigh*

I think I've spent too much time indoors since we've returned, the rain has been so gloppy! Now that my sinuses are clearing up and my back is almost back to normal (tweaked it hardcore Tuesday or Wednesday, lower back has been agony) I should be able to resume some walking this next week. I hope the time outdoors will satiate my need for scenery!

In other news, I finally got around to tuckin' in the balcony for the season. It was a little dried out but still wet so many of the pine needles clung to the surface and it's not pristine by any means, but I did empty out pots and planters and such. I'm saying "good enough!" and letting it go for now. I'll be on my hands and knees scrubbing algae off this spring regardless.

I did get more thyroid pills and the visit to my ND went better than expected. I think I'm doing a better job of separating myself, creating boundaries and realizing that other people are just doing their jobs. I pay her for her opinions but that doesn't make them law and I don't have to feel bad about myself for not adhering to every bit of advice. I do the best I can and make my own judgement calls as life rolls on, and that's that.

And really, I'm doing loads better and I need to appreciate that!

November already and 6 months pregnant tomorrow! Time is flying. Welcome to the holiday season everyone! I can't wait to put up the Christmas decorations, feeling very festive this year and savoring it already. Too many "ho-hum" Christmases in the recent past ;) And on that note, I'll get back to stitching my stocking.... !!!

Snail!

Had a couple of rainy days lately which changes the scenery for my walk in little ways. The most notable change are the snails. Slugs are pretty common regardless of the weather it seems. They try for the shade on sunny days but still slug about, whereas the snails seem to stay hidden until rainy days.

Today, Fio and I were walking home and his paw caught a snail's shell and flipped him over. I thought, "Oh no, Fio! Snail!" and we stopped to check on it. I was so impressed watching it flip itself back to rights. It wasn't a fast, ninja flip, it was so sneakily slow I wasn't quite sure what happened but I thoroughly impressed.

A couple days back I had seen a black snail and my curiosity was piqued. The shell was the same as the rest, a kind of yellow with stripes, but his gooey bits were black whereas the other snails were a yellowy-mucous color (like the thick snot ya get with the flu). I've been walking past snails around the lake for years and have never been bothered to look them up but seeing that black snail prompted me to jump on Google and look up snails.

Turns out we have a European snail that has been introduced in the Puget Sound called the brown-lipped or grove snail. It's a pretty common little mollusk but they were a rare find in my childhood yard, so while they've lost a bit of novelty having so many roaming around up here I still find them enchanting.

I noodled around the internet reading about snails for a bit and it seems like the black snail is just a natural variation, maybe not as common as the yellowy folks but I don't think it's a different species or anything. I haven't seen him again but I'll keep my eyes open as the rainy season ensues.

I have been enjoying the walks and think it does help with my mood though I still have bouts of pregnancy hormone craziness. Last night I had a fit about a plate! Never ever been that passionate about a plate before... Thankfully haven't had much depression just cranky, moody, teary, angry type of outbursts. Poor hubby has been caught off guard a few times but he's aware of the hormone issue so we usually work things out, even if it involves some arguing and tears on my part before things are resolved!

18 weeks. Gonna be getting that ultrasound in no time! Kinda nervous as I find those images to be pretty creepy looking. The hubster is really excited and already talking about sharing it on FB. Not my cup of tea but since it's close to Halloween I find it more appropriate. "Take a look at our little ghoul!" Ha!

Fascinating

Was looking up golden moles and followed a link to tenrecs and found this gem:

Unusual among placental mammals, the anus and urogenital tracts of tenrecs share a common opening, or cloaca, a feature more commonly seen in birds, reptiles, and amphibians. They have low body temperatures, sufficiently so that they do not require a scrotum to cool their sperm as most other mammals do.

Evolution blows my mind!

And both of these wittle animals are adorable. FYI

My Wedding

Okay. It's been a long time coming but here's the wedding recap :o)

Right after our ceremony at 9:30 am in Ashford, WA at Copper Creek Inn

Our wedding weekend extravaganza began on Thursday morning but I'll just take things from the day of, that Saturday. 

We woke up around 7:30 am and amazingly I was refreshed, well-slept, and ready to go. The fiance and I brewed some coffee and warmed up in front of the river stone fireplace while he finished up his vows. He presented me with my day-of gift-some beautiful aquamarine stud earrings *SPARKLY!* and I booted him out by 8:15 am. 

The unity painting prepared for the ceremony

Turned out a smaller curling iron makes it take at least twice as long to curl your hair but otherwise everything went smoothly and even though I wanted to be exactly on time, we may have been ten minutes late to the ceremony. 

Everyone was worried about the rain but except for a short shower that morning, there wasn't any rain falling. We even had breaks of blue sky during and shortly after the ceremony. 

Throughout the ceremony I kept thinking to myself, "This is perfect. I wouldn't change everything, everything is perfect!" Our fathers' each gave a little speech/reading and our unity painting went well and everyone seemed to enjoy the show. 

Our finished painting with the branches and trunk painted during the ceremony

My sister did my flowers and I LOVED my bouquet. She even worked in pheasant feathers for me and 13 tulips (favorite number and favorite flower) and the amaranthus was perfectly quirky and whimsical. 

Following the ceremony we snapped some pictures before heading indoors to sign the documents and make the marriage official. We munched some muffins and took some more pictures before different factions broke off for relaxation and games or reception prepping. 

The pinata my bestie and I made for my hubby to bust apart

The hubby, photographer, my best friend, and I went into Mt. Rainier Nat'l Park for some couple shots and it was snowy! We had lots of fun tromping around all dressed up and checking out the snowy park we had last seen in the summer sun. A Stellar's Jay even flew onto a branch near us (one of my favorite birds).

After that we had tea, played Farkle, and relaxed a bit before the reception. 

The weather took a turn for the worse, but I didn't really notice or care. We had about 50 people at the reception and even though it was raining everyone seemed to enjoy the food and decorations in high spirits. The food was amazing! Smoked turkey, fried macaroni & cheese, and baked beans-delicious. 

Our cake was also amazing. I didn't get any pictures myself but it was a cute three tier with ferns and acorns and mushrooms. The hubby had a groom's cake with a National Forest road sign, complete with chocolate rocks! The flavors were awesome-Italian cream cake, strawberry shortcake cake, white cake and raspberry mouse, and white chocolate raspberry cheesecake. 

The reception was somewhat derailed by a dip in the temperature and a short snowfall (I was delighted while most people seem mortified haha) we had our toasts and cake before the reception seemed to fall apart and people ran to their cars and left or took cover in the lodge. Most people just left and unfortunately those that stayed in the lodge didn't stay long enough to see the reception get back on track.

Eventually we had our first dance and daddy/daughter dance and demolished the pinatas. After a short hot tubbing break we returned to the lodge for games and a snack before returning to our cabin for the night. We we shocked to find our beater decked out in ribbons and hearts proclaiming us as newlyweds-there were even cans wired onto the back!!!

Even with the crazy weather and disorder, I wouldn't have changed a thing. The hubby and I had a great time and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. I didn't want an overly-formal reception and although we didn't expect the snow flurry to upset our plans I enjoyed the laid back approach we took to "make it work."

And now, I am Mrs. Hannah W-------!

Ahhh

A lovely Sunday :o)

No burning hot sun and a comfortably cool, overcast day! I savored my hot coffee and snuggly couch time watching old Star Trek movies with the fiance and pets.

We had a nice walk along the lakeside and watched a heron snap up a fish! Never ceases to captivate me watching a heron tread the water so slowly then suddenly explode into action and POOF! all of sudden a fish is whisked out of it's aquatic refuge.

Ahhh.

I've been very contemplative for some reason. It feels like my subconscious is chewing on something but I'm not quite sure what it is. The fiance and I had a very interesting conversation about death and some sort of reincarnation/evolution but I don't think that's what was truly on my mind. Maybe it was just a part of what I'm working on in there. Maybe it will help me with my vows!

Oh well. Time will tell! I'm brewing up something. It feels good to be back to my truer self. My thinky quirky self instead of stagnant and trapped, my thoughts feel directed toward some sort of accomplishment.

I'm chugging along-not quite bullet train speed, but we're moving forward.

Wahoo!

Labor Day Post A

Today has been a wonderful "off day" as the fiance put it ;o)

Our walk around the lake with Fio made me appreciate our beautiful lake and remember all the awesome nature sightings we've had here....

Today we saw a turtle, some sort of diving bird, dragonflies, and of course our friendly neighborhood ducks.

Earlier this week we identified a Green Heron-it was very exciting for us! We went from a "baby heron" to a Night Heron to an American Bittern and finally to the real thing! It was a wee bit romantic thinking of our retirement years ahead as an older cute couple birding together!

We've also spotted a beaver, rats, some sort of swimming muskrat thing our local pair of eagles and a variety of other waterfowl including Bufflehead and American Coots.

I'm glad to have these moments where I pause and genuinely appreciate my "backyard." :o)

What's Really in the Water?

Last night I had a wonderfully quirky dream that involved the Puget Sound's aquatic animals. I'm not sure what exactly triggered the dream but it involved trash and magic.

In the dream some magical force from the sea drew all the aquatic animals into the sound near Seattle. The power then drew all the refuse and garbage from the sound and dropped it into Century Link stadium. In the dream the trash mounded over all the stadium seats while seagulls circled and crabs skittered across the pile.

In addition to the big pile of garbage in the stadium there were several abandoned/sunken boats dropped onto the I-5 bridge at UW. Talk about a traffic jam.

All of the animals hung out downtown for all the news cameras and gathering crowds. The sea-slimed trash was putting out quite a stink and the large "stunt" drew lots of media attention.

Somehow signs came out with pictures of the animals and trash and quippy lines like, "would you want to live like this?" There was a media fury over the water pollution and refuse dumped into the sound and scientists giving their best guests about the amounts of trash in the ocean worldwide.

At the end of the dream there was a vague sense that Seattle was up-in-arms against the trash and pollution in the sound, major change on the horizon.

The dream made me wonder-how much trash is really out there in the water? Out of sight, out of mind it must have had time to build-up and a lot of us have already heard about the giant plastic island floating in the Pacific. (Google it up-it's unbelievable)

I don't know if I'm a softy or I'm extra-sensitive because of my struggles lately, but I'm emotional just thinking of the problem. Contemplating just how many creatures are affected by the waste is a gargantuan effort-and so many of those creatures are simply amazing.

Maybe seeing that dead whale at Longbeach has pulled all those creatures a little bit closer to my heart-hell, a dead bird on the road plucks at my heartstrings!

(Not to mention I can't pass a honeybee crawling on the ground without lifting it to a shrub where I assume it'd be safer... the fiance thought I was kidding the first time I halted in the midst of a walk to "save a bee," but I was genuine! He's also become used to me directing our traffic away from slugs crossing our paths or when I move a stranded worm off the sidewalk to some grass.)

*le sigh* I guess all I can do is put in my two little cents and send happy thoughts out into the sea and keep hoping for the best.

Baby steps, Hannah. You can't heal yourself and save the world's sea life all in a day's time!

Snakes on a Trail!

Yes, there were many snakes on the trail.

Many, many snakes.

We saw garter snakes sunning themselves and heard them rustling away as we passed. Our first sighting consisted of me pointing and saying "snake" while the fiance stepped behind me. That is how you tell an Eastern Washingtonian from a Western Washingtonian!

I picked up one on the way back up the trail and it was quite long-nearly two feet, maybe longer. As a child we played with garter snakes but they were comfortably under a foot long. This hulk I dropped as soon as I saw him trying to curl up to grab me!

Most of the snakes have very similar patterns but different colored stripes. After a curious Googling I discovered that Western Washington has three types of garter snakes and they tend to have similar patterns but different coloring.

The snakes we saw were northwestern garter snakes, common garter snakes, and western terrestrial garter snakes. Some had yellow stripes, others had red or orange, and a few had light green stripes!

In more tasteful* trail news we hiked a familiar trail but at a different time of the year. Lime Kiln is a nice trail with river views and artifacts.

Last year we hiked it in the summer with thigh-high undergrowth and massive mudholes. This time the muddy parts were a bit smaller and less slimy and the undergrowth was just starting to grow.

Among the undergrowth were dazzling white trillium flowers.

When I first spotted the trillium blooms I thought immediately of my best friend. She has been contemplating a trillium tattoo for years since it has religious meaning for her and is a doggone pretty flower too!

It was a good hike that definitely got my heart beating and involved petting quite a few handsome doggies.