Sunday, February 28, 2016

Another Birthday

Happy Birthday to Baby Bananaface!

He's had quite the birthday tour with a party at my parents Saturday and then a small party at the hub's parents' later that night. Our little family vehicle is loaded down with kiddie toys and barely has room for Fio.

Random trivia related to BB's birthday: Leonard Nimoy died on his birthday. Actress Kate Mara shares his birth date as does Elizabeth Taylor!

Hoping to resume some of my usual life activities this week (yoga class, blogging, walks, etc.) but we'll see. Life has still been a little... whipped up and I'm not sure if things are going to settle down quite yet, not to mention I'm not allowed to drive again yet and that kinda puts a cramp on my activities! *sigh* Been working on alleviating my jaw-clenching and headaches but it's an ongoing challenge.

In other news, I watched a lot of "The Adventures of Brisco County Jr. " last week and that was really enjoyable and a nice change of pace from "The Golden Girls."

Hope everyone is doing well! We've had some sunny and relatively warm days here and it's been quite nice.

Lastly but not least, BB has been walking like crazy. All over the place and sometimes with such gusto he simply tumbles into things or rams into furniture! I think I realize now that kiddos wear those light-up tennis shoes because parents find them entertaining and not just because they request them themselves! Ha!

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Happy Tears (happy birthday)

Just found this pic in my phone, a candid from my cousin or my mother, either way had me crying in public today with joy and appreciation.. It's been a rough few months, hasn't it? Whew whee 😂

Sunday, February 21, 2016

Just Keep Swimming

I'm sad today. Been thinking of my Aunt Sally, wondering about my friends from the hospital, worrying about my future and getting all the details together that I want to get together. I am trying to remind myself to take things slow and give myself a chance to work back up to life but I feel pressure and stress and sadness.

I'm going to try and not think it out too much, going to try and keep on keepin' on.

I believe I have one ECT appointment next week. It seems like a really big difference so I want to call them up and verify that it's only one appointment and that I'm not missing something. Also meeting with a new therapist, hoping that goes well.

Sigh. I don't want to dwell on the negative but I think I need to give some credit to the fact that I was in a really bad place not that long ago and that it's only reasonable to take a little while to get my shit back together. So I'm not back in the gym 3x or more every week, so I'm not meeting up with other moms and walking the trail again yet.  I've been through some shit and it's gonna take a little while for me to get back on the right track.

Little by little. Being gentle and kind with myself is a good thing! I'll find my happier place somewhere soon sometime!

This banana is just gonna keep swimming... that's a fun visual. ;)

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Okay, That's Quite Enough Now...

Had ECT earlier today. The hubby dropped me off and my dad met me there and afterward we went out for lunch (we both have a thing for Port of Subs' #5 smoky cheddar, turkey, and ham sub and I have a thing for McMenamins' salted-caramel hazelnut tart and wouldn't ya know it right down the street from my condo we have both those restaurants so we were able to have exactly what we wanted for our main course and dessert! They served some killer coffee and just as I predicted, Dad really enjoyed the dessert as well-he has a thing for caramel and hazelnut.) Anyways, that's all fine and dandy, but my memory has been a bit troublesome this afternoon.

The doctors and nurses have been asking me if my memory has been giving me grief and I have been replying that it's a little rough right after treatment but I bounce back pretty quickly and it's not too bad overall. Well today, things were really rough afterward. I was more disoriented and struggled to recall memories more than ever before. Whether it was telling the recovery nurse what day it was or picking up what my dad was alluding to going on next weekend (BB's birthday) I was having a tough time. Even now, as I sit in my living room looking at BB's giant elephant stuffie I had a struggled to remember where the hell we got the thing (Ikea) and at lunch throughout our conversation I had a tough time recalling memories and stories that Dad brought up.

Basically, I'm getting more concerned and upset about my memory troubles and thinking that I'm getting to the point where I need to take a break from ECT. I'm not sure if I've quite got to the point where I've maxed out my benefit but I think I've got to the point where I need to lay off the zaps for a while. I can't remember exactly how many sessions I've had but I think I'm to the point where the docs have people take a break because they seem to getting concerned about my... noggin.

So that's going on and I'm also a little upset because I totally forgot that the hubster is in school online right now and I haven't asked how he's doing or offered any support, so I feel pretty shitty about myself as a wife at the moment.  I'm feeling better about myself as a mother since I've been playing and cuddling and changing Baby Bananaface more lately as my mood has improved with treatment (yay) and even as a pet-mom I've been more friendly as things have improved.

Oh, did I mention that I forgot to get the hubby a Valentine's Day card? More negative points in the wife category! Although we've been screwing around more so he's not totally getting the short stick lately....

Anyways. I'm feeling scared, disoriented, upset, and forgetful and although I want my mood to improve a little bit more I'm coming to accept that it's time to take a break soon.

In other news, I'm hoping to read more WEP stories soon and there is also something going on with one of my friends from inpatient; one of the guys texted me earlier letting me know that one of the girls is in another inpatient unit around our neck of the woods. I was already planning on contacting her to talk about DBT since I have an intake appointment for a DBT group next week and she's been through a DBT skills course but now I'm even more motivated to catch up with her and find out how she's doing.

So that's some of what's going on with me... and now I'm going to mix up some hummingbird sauce and get back to watching some "Brisco County Jr.". Kind of an obscure, short-lived TV show from the 90s but one of my favorites. As a little girl I had a crush on Bruce Campbell and he was also in this series called "Burn Notice" more recently that the hubby and I enjoyed watching together. He also did those... uh, what are they called... (memory struggles, give me a moment to Google) Evil Dead flicks. I'm not as into those because I'm not really into scary/creepy/ooky stuff but I understand that they are quite popular and have a cult following.

Anyways, off to do my hummingbird sauce! Hope that everyone is doing well, I can't remember if I've kept up with my blogging buddies' blogs lately or not but I'll certainly be trying to catch up when I get the time :) just know that you're on my mind even if I can't recall so!

Monday, February 15, 2016

WEP February Challenge

This is my first WEP writing or reading but I hope to read as many as I can. Just a note (FYI) my aunt actually did smoke a lot and die of cancer this January, so my story is loosely based off that real life drama. My extended family is still getting used to her being gone and I guess I used this as an opportunity to process some of those feelings! Looking forward to reading the other stories as well, thanks all!


The envelope was a massive prepaid cardboard one with the top securely fastened shut with adhesive strip. It was glossy but not entirely waterproof. Breanna rolled it in her hands and wondered at the contents; it was certainly stuffed full of something that lent an odd shape to the package, something besides tidy, flat papers.

It was February 13th, Breanna’s twenty-eighth birthday and the day before Valentine’s Day. The package had something to do with her birthday, Valentine’s Day, or both; the return address only added to the mystery as she read her Aunt Sarah’s address-her dead Aunt Sarah’s address.

Breanna carefully held the envelope before her and inspected the slanting, wispy handwriting in rich turquoise ink. Definitely her aunt’s handiwork. It must’ve been compiled a few weeks previous in mid-January during the last few days of Aunt Sarah’s life.

“Leave it to Aunt Sarah, huh?” Breanna grinned at Mr. Sours, her plump himalayan cat. His face was flat, his eyes light blue and the hair on his tail, paws, ears, and face a rich chocolate in heavy contrast to the light cream of his body. “I bet you tuna she remembered you.” Breanna smiled and nodded pointedly at the cat as she used a small pair of scissors to carefully slice open the envelope.

Prying open the cardboard, Breanna peered inside and began delicately removing the assorted contents, the first of which was thin volume by Edith Wharton, a book titled “Summer.” There was also a birthday card with Breanna’s name on it, a bag of  cat treats, and a couple sheets of notepaper covered in the sloping turquoise writing made out to Breanna and Mr. Sours.

She sighed and rubbed Mr. Sours’ ears as she tossed the bag of cat treats at his feet. “Told you she would remember you!” He purred indulgently and continued to watch Breanna explore the package.

In addition to the note, the treats, the book, the card, there was also a small fabric pouch that apparently served as some sort of jewelry case. Breanna removed a necklace from the pouch and discovered a large opal amulet with a matching gold chain.  She also uncovered a small box of chocolates and an old photograph of them when Breanna was barely 5-years old.

Aunt Sarah had succumbed to cancer in January. It had happened so fast it was almost hard to believe that she was indeed gone but the memorial was over and her closets were being cleaned out by her sons and their step-father.

Sifting through the package once more, Breanna sighed and resorted the contents into neat piles. Treats for Mr. Sours, a necklace for herself, a book, letters, the small box of chocolates, and an old photograph. The items tugged at her heartstrings but she was glad for it all, so thankful that her Aunt Sarah had taken the time in her final days to create this package .

Breanna hadn’t gone to see Aunt Sarah in her final days. It was still a little surreal that Aunt Sarah was gone, but Breanna could remember the stinging, burning smoky scent of her aunt’s home and the painful aches in her throat and nose during her visits there. She was sad that she didn’t get to say farewell but also angry that her aunt would do that to herself; all the smoking and not-quite-healthy living that certainly abbreviated her lifetime and disappointed Breanna.

“Here’s what she wrote, Mr. Sours.” Breanna smoothed the sheets of notepaper against the edge of the couch, glancing to his smushed face as he reclined in the corner of the plaid green piece of furniture. “Dear Breanna and Mr. Sours, You probably know already that I’m not doing too well. The smoking finally caught up with me. The cancer is all over the place. There isn’t much the doctors can do except try to make me comfortable but I appreciate that. This year is your 28th birthday and quite possibly the last birthday I will be around for. I wanted to make sure that you got something special from your favorite aunt!”

“I found you an special opal necklace that I thought you would like and a book I think you would enjoy reading, of course a birthday isn’t complete without something sweet so I added a little box of chocolates too. Of course I wouldn’t forget Mr. Sours. He has his own treats and a little stuffed mouse with a bell in it, that should drive him batty!”

“The photograph of us is from your fifth Easter. You did a marvelous job searching for Easter eggs that year and I loved hiding them for you. I think you still hate malted milk balls? Am I right? That year I hid a lot of jelly beans! I so enjoyed playing Easter bunny for you, Breanna, I hope you know that. Christmas was fun too but Easter was more of a production looking for treats and toys all day long, indoors and out, I hope you can have fun like that with your nieces and nephews or cousins. I’m so glad I got to play like that with you, I will always treasure those memories. Thank you for letting me be your special Aunt Sarah,”

“Breanna, I can’t write you without bringing up cigarettes and begging you to please leave them be. It’s just not worth it. The damage they wreak and you can’t imagine how much money I spend on cigarettes every month! Do better for yourself, dear. I know that you can. I’m sure Mr. Sours appreciates clean air too!”

“Love you forever, little one. Take care. Love, your Aunt Sarah.”

Breanna glanced at Mr. Sours, “That was all she wrote.”

Mr. Sours hopped down to the floor and head-butted her shin, gazing lovingly at the cat treats still resting on the couch.


"Okay.” Breanna rolled her eyes and smiled as she opened the bag of treats, saying mostly to herself, “Thank you, we love you too."


Word Count: 1000  FCA

Saturday, February 13, 2016

True Story

This morning my husband let me know that "the bag of Zappos" got trashed last night.

He said that he discovered that they had been expired since September.

I asked him, "Did you start eating the chips and realize they tasted funny, looked at the package and discovered the expiration date?"

He replied, "No, it's a bit more damning than that. I looked at the expiration date and decided to eat a few anyways."


I guess it's a good thing because I was going to bring that bag of chips to my brother this Saturday at my birthday dinner!

Oops. Oh well.

Get to see how I'll get scheduled out for ECT next week today... Also, trying to work on an entry for WEP (like pulling teeth).

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Still Here

Still here.

Still doing unilateral just higher intensity. I hope this is my last week doing 3x a week but unsure.

I'm off most of my meds because of the ECT and also having trouble with my thyroid meds because I let that script run out.... I spoke with the gal behind the desk at my doctor's office but am not sure if I'll get more pills like I need or have to get an appointment with my ND. More to worry about.

I'm going to try and participate in the WEP Challenge but we'll see what inspiration finds me.

In the mean time, this intensive ECT takes up a lot of time! I think it makes me feel a little better, but there is definitely room for growth.

Still here.

Still trying.

Thursday, February 4, 2016


Not feeling so great today. Yesterday the ECT doctor asked about switching to bilateral treatment. Part of me doesn't care about potentially losing memories but I am upset about the ECT not doing exactly what it's supposed to do. I've been going under anesthesia and being zapped in the head for weeks and haven't felt much difference. I'm disappointed to be feeling this crappy after this much time. I'm not sure if I have much confidence in switching to bilateral if unilateral hasn't done much for me.

I also get to look forward to new medications that may or may not work. Woohoo.

Ugh. Unilateral. Bilateral. Medications. My therapist says I need to find someone else that is better able to assist me.


I'm sad. I feel like a failure. I'm losing faith in the treatments, my doctors.

This sucks.

Poop on a stick.

Poop on a flippin' stick.

Whatever that means.

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

Yesterday's Appointment

Yesterday, after I blogged, I descended into a full blown panic attack. When the receptionist came to fetch me for my ECT appointment I reacted with suspicion and wariness. She ended up fetching a doctor that was able to help me into the office and order anti-anxiety medications for me. One of my favorite nurses was working there that day and helped calm me down and I went through with my treatment for that day.

That wasn't quite the end of the drama though since as I was waking up in recovery another patient (one I had been in-patient with) was having some sort of reaction/complication. It was upsetting and scary, especially when I didn't want to be anywhere near that place anyways.

Today I am feeling down, not quite suicidal, but very cynical and feeling like the doctors and nurses and whole industry around mental health care is all based on a ruse. I don't see any treatments working for me and it's so disheartening. I'm not quite feeling suicidal but I am concerned for my son's future and feeling like he's nearly guaranteed to struggle with this just as I have and that makes me feel horrible. The hubs says, "No way, he's such a happy, outgoing guy," but I just don't know.

So. Today is an appointment with my psychiatrist and my therapist. I'm feeling pretty skeptical about getting any encouraging news but I'm going anyways. Already not looking forward to the ECT Wednesday. My dad was quite surprised at my state when he arrived there (he was my ride home) and said that if I'm freaking out like that Wednesday he's going to have to pick me up, not Mom cuz she might freak the hell out seeing me like that so soon after her sister died. I know it's totally reasonable what he's saying but it made me feel like a hopeless freak.

But for now, to the psychiatrist.

Monday, February 1, 2016

Just Rip My Heart Out

Today is a sad day. It's sad because I was hopeful not so long ago but have found myself revisited by the grimness of Depression past. I know that I'm still in the throes of this episode, battling for my future, but this  backslide is so disappointing.

Last week I went to my aunt's memorial and felt so emotional, so grief-stricken, not just for her loss but for how close I came to ending my life and bringing such grief about in my own way. I remember looking into my son's eyes and playing with him, watching him show off his new walking skills like it was nothing to him, being awash in feelings of gratitude instead of dread or pain.

Today I found myself reaching for the seat buckle while we zoomed over the bridge by UW on our way to my ECT appointment. I imagined falling or flinging myself from the car to a swift and bloody end. I yearned for the relief, the guarantee that this darkness would never find me again once I was dead and gone. Instead I told my husband of the dark thought's visitation.

It was bad enough to have the thought occur to me but to then have my husband telling me to talk to hospital staff if the thoughts get worse or walk myself to the Emergency Department... how can I express the disappointment I felt? The sadness and grief and fear?

Just rip my heart out.

I struggle to see the path to better days but I'm well aware of my skewed perspective. It makes me feel sick and ashamed of myself. I'm so very sick of this struggle, of watching my life ooze by in paralyzed stupor. I'm so very sick of the repulsion and embarrassment, pain and shame I feel toward myself and this terrible struggle that hijacks my existence.

Can you comprehend just how sick of this struggle I am? It's like being your own bully and it's so very demoralizing.