Little Interview....

My brain is pretty scrambled, but I think I can manage this little interview I found over at Joey's Pad.

Here are the 6 questions for this week:


1. Tradition...how tightly do you cling to tradition when it comes to holiday gatherings and celebrations? For instance do you always do the cooking, never eat at home, always go to grandma's, never miss the parade, always watch football, never change the menu, always eat at 2 PM, etc.? Have you ever celebrated Christmas or Thanksgiving away from hearth, home, and family? How did that feel?

I used to be much more attached to traditions. Now that the hubs and I are developing our own, things have become loosey-goosey. I tried to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and we agitated and repulsed and bored. I no longer feel compelled to bake for days on end-certainly not seasonal items that I don't even like much and are "have-tos." Fuck "have-tos." (Yes, I'm cranky)

I celebrated Thanksgiving on my own this year. Well, not really celebrated, I was just home, alone, on that day. It felt strange and a little lonely at first, then I started a to-do list and went with the flow. It was nice to have no strings!

Wondering what the future holds for our traditions... I love to host and holidays are also deeply personal to me. Being unable to accommodate my in-laws and not wanting my family around complicates things! IDK We shall see. 

I know I wanna do advent calendar and the pickle with BB for sure though :o)


2. Help...is it easy for you to ask for help or are you a do-it-yourselfer? How is that a good/bad thing?

I'm mostly a do-it-yourselfer although I quite often ask people instead of Googling something for myself, which can be a bit opposite... anyways. It's usually a good thing-I get things done. It can be really bad when I shame myself not being capable or wanting help and struggling when my inner voice tells me to suck it up. More and more I am asking for help or delegating and saying "no." I like it :o)


3. Abundance...what is there an abundance of in your kitchen?

Spices. And white washcloths. 


4. Name...the smallest thing you're thankful for? the biggest?

Smallest: Atoms.

Biggest: Love.


5. Key...What do you think is the key to living a more grateful life?

Mindfulness and releasing judgments and embracing the perspective that everything in our world exists on a spectrum. I don't think I'm exactly practicing gratitude when I practice radical acceptance and police my judgments, although I think it facilitates a more grateful and satisfying life for me. So I'm gonna stick with that.


6. State your own random thought here.

It's okay that I struggle with certain symptoms of my disorders... I've been self-conscious recently about my difficulty gauging proper social boundaries and trying to conduct myself in "appropriate" ways and holding my tongue or not sharing my true feelings or thoughts. I'm coming to a place where I'm okay not knowing what to do. Over the years, I might pick up on more things. If not, okay. I am who/what I am. I'm not my disorder, and still, it's part of me. That's okay. I don't have to mold myself to a cultural standard. I can just do me. People love and accept me for that, and those that don't-screw 'em.

That said, I'm gonna try to not be quite as vulgar in public... ;o)


Thinking of you all and hoping you're well! I managed to read a couple blogs just now and now I need to get away from computers for a bit.

Be well :o)

Ask Me Anything Part II

Here's some more answers! Thank you everyone for participating-this was really fun for me :o) Feel free to answer some of the questions yourself in the comments! It'd be really fun to see other answers too!

What is a favourite childhood memory? Hard question. I don't have just one favorite, so here are a few:

I remember gathering pill bugs to make a pet of them all in a potted plant (that didn't work so well).

I remember staying up late with my brother and dad trying to beat a level on a video game. They played and I made maps on paper plates so we could figure out our way through the cave!

I also have quite a few fond memories about wandering around with my siblings and neighbors around "the hill." "The hill" was a big ole hill in the middle of our neighborhood where the construction guys piled up excess dirt. It grew over with shrubs and such and we're wander around playing war games and hunting bugs :o) It also made for good sledding on snow days and a terrifying ramp for braver bicyclers!

What would you do differently during your teenage years? (If anything) I think part of me always wished that I would’ve rebelled. Mouthed off or even stood up for myself, really. Embraced myself as I am instead of trying to do what I thought others’ wanted. Be brave. Be daring. Might have changed my trajectory in a good way... or a bad way. So I'll appreciate how it actually went!

What traits/characteristics bother you most in people? I can’t think of a single word to describe it right now, so I’ll try to explain in more words! Ya know when people bury their own issues and then pick out every little wrong thing about other people? They tend to act like everything is hunky dorey and struggle to communicate on deeper levels or convey true empathy. I find it so sad and troubling and boggling-as well as frustrating. Maybe you can call it some sort of self-induced delusion? I know it’s a coping technique for a lot of people.

My hubby and his sisters recalled an incident where I confronted their brother in that type of situation. He was wrapping himself up in deflection and accusations, being very defensive and even aggressive to my husband. I ripped that mental Band-Aid off in a heartbeat and cut right to the chase by describing the emotional and interpersonal aspects of the situation. He couldn’t handle it and backed off. I struggle with owning my point of view and it causes me a lot of anxiety afterward, though I did deescalate the situation and prevent things from getting physical between the hubby and his brother, so that was great!

Anyways. Cut it out with the deflection. Be honest. Connect on a human level. I prefer to get through this life with compatriots by my side, not minefields of misplaced aggression!

4) How would your loved ones describe you? Creative. Sensitive. Smart. Cat lady. Good cook. Good baker. The hubby says I’m sweet and kind, sassy, gullible and naive (in a good way).

5) How would you describe yourself? Ummm… creative, sensitive, quirky, silly, kind, fragile, tenacious, strong, loving, flawed, harsh (to myself especially), and patient. I’m sure I could go on or simplify things-it’s just a rather hard question to answer so I’m gonna leave it at that! :o)

If you could be an animal...what would you be, and why? Probably a bird of some sort. I’m not a fan of raw meat as a human although the idea of being a carnivore appeals to me. Perhaps a loon? Some type of eagle? I also like cormorants and they travel in flocks so that might be a good option as well :o) No flamboyant colors or fancy feathers here, just a simple bird with a beautiful landscape around her.

If you could have a "perfect" day, what would it be like: who, what, when, where, why & how? I think there are many, many different perfect days for each individual. One “perfect day” that I think I’d like would involve staying in some sort of cabin (yes, with a hot tub) and still having a hotel-type of situation where we (me, the hubster, and BB) could have an amazing brekkie brought in for us. Waffles, pulpy OJ, biscuits & gravy, fruit, eggs, crispy bacon, spectacular coffee-well, you get the picture.

It’d be a cool, bright morning with big puffy white clouds and blue skies. We’d go for a hike around Mt. Rainier (or another beautiful mountain) and see lots of slugs, snails, birds, chipmunks, and maybe a marmot! Then we’d have some pizza outta one of those brick ovens and (in my fantasy) I’d have a nice beer with the hubster.

We’d go for a trail ride in the afternoon. I’d have a big-boned dapple grey, BB would have a stout palomino, and the hubster would ride a tall bay (yeah, I was horse-crazed little girl growing up!). We would ride to a special restaurant and have dinner before riding back with lanterns and stopping to stargaze on the way home.

Hot showers, hot tub, and a good movie with warm brownies full of chocolate chunks and topped with ice cream and hot fudge for dessert! I imagine watching BB drift off to sleep and smiling with the hubster as we watch him start to drool a bit. Then we’d snuggle into bed and he’d say “I love you” into my ear, his warm breath making my hair tickle my cheek… Perfection :o)

Have you ever laughed so hard a drink came out your nose?  Oh yeah. Thankfully I don’t really drink soda anymore so it hurts a lot less when it happens now! I am more of a spurter really… I tend to spray it out my lips ALL OVER. Even in public. I guess it’s better than peeing my pants!

Ask Me Anything Answers Part I

Thank you for all your great questions! There are definitely some tough ones in there-I did my best :o)

What age did you first notice that you had a mental illness.

This is a tricky question for me as I struggle to suss out when in my life certain memories are from… As I look back I can recognize symptoms around 2nd or 3rd grade. It may have started before that, I’m just not certain.

I’m an Army brat and we moved to Kentucky for a couple years around that time. I remember being quite upset and by upset I mean depressed. I vaguely remember my mother rationalizing it as just because of the move. I had my ups and downs, the entire time there wasn’t miserable, I just feel deep down that it was more than regular sadness.

I would also consider my anxiety to have started at that time or earlier. I can remember moments of anxiety without any particular cause-well, I’m sure that there was underlying reasons! What I’m trying to say is that the rest of the family would be hanging out, relaxing and I would be secluded and struggling.

I became pretty decent at veiling my distress. I think I started “stuffing” the depression and anxiety so early on in my life that a lot of family and friends mistook my symptoms for personality traits. I was deemed the “Eeyore” of the family. The quiet bookworm type. I suppose it’s not entirely inaccurate, it certainly isn’t the whole picture!

When did I become aware of my own illness? Probably not until my teens. I didn’t really get help until I was 15 or 16 when I scratched up my arms during a band trip. I truly, truly recognized I wasn’t healthy at that juncture. Up until that point I just assumed I was flawed and not a happy person.

Do you have any plans to take your art to a professional level?

I would love to take my art to a professional level. I think the main reason I haven’t thus far is confidence issues.

Failure is quite difficult for me and most creative endeavors involve a lot of trial and error. My difficulty with not taking each “whoops” as a horribly invalidating personal flaw has prevented me from reaching, from experimenting, from trying.

I had thought about taking more art classes throughout school and was so terrified of embarrassing myself that I didn’t take art after 4th grade. I figured it was better to be an amazing “doodler” than a subpar “artist.” I still call most things doodles or crafting to avoid the "art" label.

I think this issue has also affected my writing efforts. I would love to be a published author and I think the biggest thing holding me back is me.

What do you like most about yourself?

Oooh-this is another tricky question! Sometimes I really don’t like much about myself. During the times when I do like myself I think the thing I like most in my sweet side.

When I hide love notes for the hubster or cuddle with Baby Bananaface or bake treats or doodle little surprises for folks-I really like that about myself. Sometimes I minimize it or dismiss it as trivial. Sometimes I’m able to recognize that not everyone has that capacity for sweetness and that people appreciate my random acts of kindness. It also helps me believe that my sweetness is an admirable trait when the hubby lets me know that he thinks I’m special for it :o)

What is your favorite thing about you? Your husband? Your son?

I really like my imagination. It can confuse people when my mind quickly flits from one inspiration to a new tangent. Most of the time they can appreciate the quirkiness too!

As for my favorite thing about my husband… hmm. One of my favorite things has to be how he seems to embody such harsh opposites. He’s soft and hard all at once. Very sweet and caring as well as a total asshole! I am very grateful that he trusts me enough to show me both sides and his whole self, always aware that I love him no matter what!

My favorite thing about Baby Bananaface is probably his sweet side. He’s come over and placed random kisses on my cheek or wrist. He’s given me random hugs. He’s come into the bedroom when I’m depressed and weak in bed and grabbed my hand and brought me to the dinner table… he’s marvelous in many ways, this is just a particular aspect that touches me deep.

When you write your children's book, what will the story be? Boy howdy! I have had a lot of ideas over the years, so I will just share a few… I’d love to do a book called “Snuffles the Waffle Elf” and “The Lost Booger.” I’m not sure why the title “Leander’s Lost Button” appeals to me so much-I love that idea too.

I’d have to say “The Lost Booger” is my favorite idea. If you’re a nose-picker you’ll probably understand when ya pick a booger and then try to dispense with it only to lose track of where it went. Well, I’d like to do a children’s book about such a predicament with the child chasing his booger down!

What's your favorite song to sing or sing along to? My favorite song is “More Than a Feeling” by Boston (my fave band). To sing along to… probably “Dear Future Husband” by Meghan Trainor. My fave sing along song tends to change a lot!

If you could meet a fictional character in real life, who would it be? I’d really like to meet Sophia Petrillo or Rose Nylund or Dorothy Zbornak or Blanche Devereaux ;o)

If you could travel to any fictional setting (like from a movie or a book), where would you go? This is tough. Especially since “TV show” isn’t included and I can’t say “The Golden Girls!” At first I thought “Cars” so I could experience driving instead of walking… then I imagined “You’ve Got Mail” and owning an adorable book store and falling in love with Tom Hanks. Yes. Please. ;o)

"Nurse! We need some fun out here-stat!"

So I've decided once again to do some sort of "Ask Me Anything" post just for kicks :o)


Been a rough go of it lately and I'd like a break from all the... trying.


The rules are, there are no rules. OKAY, one rule: please submit questions in English only. Thank you. ;o)


Feel free to submit questions in comments below or utilize the Carrier Pigeons on the bottom right of the blog below the "Survivor" badge.


Have a great rest of the weekend and hope we can have some fun doin' some "Ask Me Anything!"

Thanks all :o)

A Break From Moving

The condo is cleaned out. The hubster and my dad are probably close to our new home base with the truckload of possessions. I'm staying north for a while in order to do the walk through with our landlord this afternoon. In the meantime, I'm taking advantage of Baby Bananaface being at daycare and taking some time to myself at a local cafe :o)

Here's a slew of random questions I decided to work through as a bit of distraction and release. Feel free to answer them yourselves! Let me know if you do and I'll go and read them :o) You're more than welcome to pop your answers in the comments too.

Have fun and Happy Friday. Blue skies here! We're shocked!




What random acts of kindness have you done? I can't name them all so I'll just name a few that I've done recently: taking carts from strangers in the parking lot back to the store for them, complimenting strangers' bags or clothes etc., handing a stranger my half-full punch card for a local doughnut shop.

Do you think any kind of afterlife exists? Not 100% sure either way. I tend to think of souls being recycled in whole or part as I imagine everything else in life does. I guess that isn't exactly an afterlife, is it?

Would you kill an innocent person if you thought it might mean saving a dozen other people? Ooh... I think it depends on the details. Not convinced I'm capable of killing though I wouldn't be shocked if I was. Wow. That sounds kind of bad. :o/

What’s the biggest personal change you’ve ever made? I've made a lot! Losing and gaining weight as much as I have has been major (talking fluctuations around 75 lbs). Changes in fitness has changed my life in many ways. That said, I think the biggest change I've made (making) is altering my internal landscape. Altering my self-talk and "scripts" into healthier habits. Pretty damn difficult and very much worth it. Lovin' me that DBT. 

What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever done? Well, there's quite a few. A recent one involves mistaking a green light for a green arrow then turning left in front of an oncoming, massive pickup. It was terrifying and a very unusual mistake for me! 

What do you think would be one of the best steps we could take toward ending poverty around the world? Having everyone experience poverty for themselves-not just a tour or a video or an article, actually experiencing poverty for however long it takes to appreciate it (that may vary from person-to-person). 

What is Satan's last name? Natas (Satan backwards) Why? No clue.

Can crop circles be square? Yes. Because I say so.

If someone gave you the power to save just one animal species on earth, which would it be? Bees. I'm not just saying that because Baby Bananaface loves "Bee Movie," although that could have something to do with it ;o)

Do people really get any wiser as they get older? No. They get wiser as they get wiser. Has nothing to do with age. Experience certainly has a place in developing wisdom, although wisdom cannot be developed from experience alone.

If you could be a farmer, what would be on your farm? Alpacas? I think that'd be more fun than sheep... IDK, that's the first thing that popped into my mind after mushrooms. Definitely seems like more fun than mushrooms. I do love mushrooms though...

If you could have something named after you as a memorial what would you choose? (building, park, school, that kind of thing) Oooh. I think I'm torn between a gym (a community hub like my beloved YMCA) and some sort of crisis center with counseling and skills training and such.

What would your DJ name be? Boo, Who? Same as my mixed-martial arts fighter name ;o)

When did you consider yourself an 'adult'? Don't know that I do... I'm not sure exactly what "adult" means. I think we always have more to learn although I suppose finding the hubster and decided to share my life with someone else, that felt pretty adult. Certainly deciding to stick around be Baby Bananaface's mother felt adult. So, I suppose I felt adult when I began loving and accepting others for who they were, are, and will be.

What's your earliest memory? This is a tough one for me... I think the earliest memories for me are of my childhood home and school. Maybe 1st grade? Mrs. Loftness (tall gal with curly hair) and Mrs. Olsen (dark hair cut in a bob) come to mind. There were guinea pigs too.

Do you define yourself based mainly on your intentions, your actions, or something else? Maybe heart? A combination of intentions and effort. Actions come into play although I can't place too much credit on them because when I'm depressed I can't do much and sometimes I do very terrible things due to my disease that I wouldn't want to blame myself for. I can also do very stupid things while hypomanic that I wouldn't want to blame myself for.

If required, could you saw off your (unconscious) partner's leg to save them (a la the Grey's Anatomy episode)? Yeah. No problem. I'd use my teeth and karate chop it if I had to. Drop a boulder on it. Steak knife. Chainsaw. Anything.

What motivates you to improve yourself? The hubster and Baby Bananaface. I mostly live for them. Working up my self-worth still to feel like I can live for myself, even so, I think they'll always be up there as far as motivation and reason to improve myself and meaning of life.

Would you rather be bald or hairy? Bald. Easier to put on lotion than wax and shave. 

Would you be disappointed to learn that 200 years from now you will have no living descendants? Not particularly. Maybe the hubby would, he's got more of that type of pride. I think I'd be disappointed if humans weren't around and bettering themselves and the planet, although if the whole of nature was doing well, I wouldn't be too upset over that either.

Which do you prefer, odd numbers or even numbers? Odd. For whatever reason they feel more solid to me. Maybe it's because they don't divide easily? They gotta stick together?

Do you have a favorite number? 13. That's my birthday day. I've always liked 23 and 27 as well, and BB's birthday is on the 27th!

Does a person's happiness level depend mostly on the good or bad things that have happened to the person, or on something else? I don't think it has anything to do with what's happened to them. I've have horrible, traumatizing, heartbreaking things happen in my life and that hasn't impaired my ability to be happy. There are also people that have had simply wonderful lives without pitfalls and aren't necessarily happy!

What was the last thing you remember shoplifting? Two shot glasses (well, tasting glasses). I have a little bit of a problem regarding this... out of character. Tends to happen when I'm stressed.

Would you take a one way mission to mars trip? HELL-TO-THE-NO!

You have to drink four pints of a liquid per day (not water). What is it? Not water?! What?! Damn. Not even sure I can drink that much coffee... maybe tea? I like rooibos/chai, although that much I think peppermint or green tea would be best.

What is the most commonly held belief that you personally find deeply offensive? That there is such a thing as being more or less than another being. We have to make judgments to stay safe, I think it can be quite dysfunctional though.

Would you rather be a giant, or microscopic? Microscopic. Seeing the world more easily would be fun, just seems like all the tiny stuff would be quite exciting! Also, I wouldn't want to be sleeping out in the open and never fit in a shelter...

What long-lost childhood possession of yours would you like to see again? This odd fairy toy thing I had. I can't remember all the details about it. I remember a lovely periwinkle color and a few tiny fairy toys that fit in some sort of jewelry box that acted as their home. It was cute and fed my imagination and I loved it! I think the tops of the fairies were flowers too, instead of hair. Talk about a great disguise ;o)

If you had to pick a new first name, what would it be? Used to Crystal. I even named a pet rat Crystal and signed my school work with that name for a while. Nowadays... Hmmm. I like Rebecca. Makes me feel like  a strong, beautiful pioneer! I also think I could do with a cheery name. Something that ends with a "y" or "ie?" Don't know. I think Hannah suits me pretty well!

Quiz Time!

I was over at Joey's Pad and enjoyed reading her his quiz answers from a questionnaire she he picked up from another blogger over My Little Corner of the World and I thought I would partake myself! I decided to skip my second gym class and spend some quiet time at home with laundry and decaf, so a little quiz is a perfect accompaniment :o)


1 - Did you have an accident last year?  I think it was this year I nudged a cement pole in a drive-thru. That was lovely! I drive a big ole sedan and even though I do pretty well overall apparently I can still have my moments.
   
2 - Do you have any famous relatives? Not that I'm aware of.

3 - Did you ever have a kiss under the moonlight? Yes! My most memorable was the first kiss I shared with my husband in a rose garden on a park bench *happy sighs*

4 - Have you ever been jealous? Oh yeah. For many years I've been envious of my siblings' athletic talents. I wouldn't say I'm a total klutz but I'm more on that spectrum than athlete, that's for sure!

5 - How can you prove your love to someone? Don't know if there's one answer to this but I know one thing I do for my hubby is send him surprise letters, cards, and postcards or doodles in the mail to brighten his day and show him I love him. Picking up his dirty socks is a good way too...

Here's one of the surprise mailings
I have sent the hubbo, it is on the side
of our fridge now

6 - What are you thinking right now? "Ugh, my belly itches."

7 - Have you ever sacrificed something important to you for someone you love?  Hmm, I would think so but I can't think of any examples.  

8 - Can you live without internet? Probably but I'm pretty fond of it.

9 - Have you been so emotional that you can’t find words to explain how you feel? I can't think of such an instance, I'm usually pretty good at finding words to describe things!
  
10 - Did you ever badmouth someone? Yes. Although I will say that often when I complain or point out negatives about someone I will frequently follow up such statements with empathy or positive statements. I know that no one can be totally bad so it never sits well with me to badmouth without acknowledging some good or potential for misunderstanding etc.
  
11 - What do you prefer, jeans or skirt?  Jeans, but I do wear skirts pretty frequently and all year 'round!

12 - Do you have trust issues? I think I'm a pretty trusting person, to the point where I've gotten myself hurt quite a few times. I guess that's a trust issue!

13 - What's something that you made all on your own and are incredibly proud of? I have a few craft projects around the house that I am proud of-whenever I see them I feel good about myself :o)

I painted part of this before our wedding, then
during our wedding ceremony I painted the branches
and the hubbo painted the trunk. Now, every year
on our anniversary we use a leaf-shaped paper punch tool
to add a leaf to the tree and we added a leaf on
Baby Bananaface's birthday too :o)

Baby Bananaface's stocking. I also made ones
for the hubby and myself but they are in storage!
Guess this is also a "name reveal" photo for
those that don't know BB's true identity! ;o)

I painted letters and animals with BB's name
for his nursery and I especially like how this
little brown bat "L" turned out.

This painting of Mt. Rainier is especially
sentimental since the hubs and I shared a
special moment and kiss at this viewpoint.
It also reminds me of the paintings one of
my aunt's used to do.

14 - Who’s the person who first comes to your mind when someone mentions “love”? Easy! The hubster.
  
15 - Who was the last person you hugged?  BB or the hubbo.
  
16 - Do you believe in the phrase “If it’s meant to be, it will be”? Huh. Don't know. I tend to believe in coincidence but I also see the beauty and marvel at how our lives come together... I think I believe in blessings and good luck more than fate, if that makes sense.

17 - Do people praise you for your looks? I've been told I have a good smile and nice teeth, that I'm photogenic, and the hubby compliments me on various things-so yes!
   
18 - Do you believe in destiny? I'm having flashbacks to question #16! I don't think I do.

19 - Have you ever thought “I already found my soulmate”? Yep. Kinda confusing since I don't believe in destiny much... Ugh-brain overload!
  
20 - Do you like nicknames that are from your name? I named my blog "Hannah Bananaface," so I'd say yes! At this point, I'm over "Hannah Banana," but I'm still fond of "Hannah Bananaface."

21 - Could you ever be a vegan? Ugh, sounds like too much work! I could probably live without certain things but I don't think I'd ever want to be vegan. I like meat and dairy!

22 - Do you currently have bruises on your body? Don't think so but it's pretty common for me, so I wouldn't be surprised to find one!
  
23 - What should you be doing right now? Showering is on my immediate to-do list once I'm done with this.

24 - I read in a magazine that shoulder pads are coming back. Are you happy to hear this or do you not find them to be very attractive? No way, Jose. Not interested one bit!

25 - Did you ever feel like you’re not good enough? This is a chronic issue for me that I'm working hard to address. Nearly everyday I find myself thinking negative thoughts along the lines that I'm not good enough and try to combat them by replacing them with comforting or encouraging thoughts instead. It's a tough mental habit to break but I hope one day to feel accepting of myself and be able to appreciate all the good in me.


Whew. What a doozey! I can see why Joey did half in one post and saved the other half for another! Felicitations to those that read through it all and made it to the end!

Once again, Happy Thanksgiving to all :o)

Ask Me Anything Answers: Part VI

This week's 'Ask Me Anything' answers are to questions provided by Linda over at Linda's Peaceful Place. At first, I thought the questions were pretty straightforward but they were surprisingly challenging for me!


1) What is your favorite animal?  Birds. Growing up, it was horses but in my teens I started shifting toward birds. Choosing one particular species to be my favorite is an ongoing challenge! I'm not sure if my favorite bird should be local so I have a better chance of seeing them or something exotic and unique? It's a puzzler.

As for local birds, I love Stellar's jays and they are a special treat to see whenever I spot one though they make a terrible noise. I enjoy owls but have never seen one in the wild, like waterfowl and cormorants and I even appreciate crows; they seem to have more character than the other little birds that flit around town. All in all, watching birds cheers me up and makes me happy and that's something I need in life!


2) What fragrance or scent do you find the most soothing?  I'm a big fan of lavender as well as peppermint and to a lesser extent rose but I'm also quite comforted and soothed by the smell of coffee and fresh ground coffee beans. Even in some of my worst moods the act of making or getting coffee can be a very soothing practice for me.


3) Do you prefer eating at home or dining out?  This is a tough question! I enjoy eating out but it's always been a sort of special thing, I usually eat more at home so that is my "normal" and comfortable option. Right now I'm in an odd phase where I've somewhat forgotten what my favorite restaurants around town were or some of the recipes that I used to make from memory at home, it makes meal planning a little more tricky! I miss going out for Indian or pho... hopefully we can do that again soon :o) Overall, I think I enjoy eating at home more but sometimes I really enjoy getting out for a meal I have a hankering for!


Thank you again to everyone that submitted questions! If anyone has anymore to ask please leave them in the comments below or message them to me and I'll try and answer them, otherwise I think this is it for this session of "Ask Me Anything!" Thanks for participating!

Ask Me Anything Answers: Part V

I have a slew of questions from Martha over at "Plowing Through Life" for this round of answers from my "Ask Me Anything" post and I'm going to try to plow right through them, all at once, but there are some challenging ones to be sure!

1) What is one of your biggest fears? One of my biggest fears is losing my husband. He has shown me so many wonderful new things, so much joy, so many positive angles to look at life through, and so much love that I have a very hard time imagining my life without him. It's a very scary thing for me and I try to avoid thinking about it whenever possible!

2) What is one of your favorite quotes? One of my favorite quotes is, "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined." from Mr. Henry David Thoreau. When I changed my major to English Literature with a minor in Creative Writing I remember this quote soothing my anxious soul and making me feel more at ease with following my heart and my dreams instead of outside pressures. Not that I'm a published author or a professional editor (yet) but maybe someday?

Another new favorite that I recently discovered is, "The future is no more uncertain than the present." from Mr. Walt Whitman. It is quite helpful to me when I'm struggling with anxiety (which is frequently of late). 

3) If you could live in another period of time, what would you choose? This is a tough one for me. I know watching certain older movies and seeing how women are treated and/or portrayed can really bother me, so I imagine living in another period of time might rub me the wrong way! That said, I think it would be exciting to live during colonization, during a period when new animals and cultures were being discovered so often that there must've been a sense of wonder and willingness to admit to not knowing everything whereas today I feel like people think every answer is on the internet somewhere. Not having toilets would suck but I guess I'd get used to it!

4) What superpower do you wish you had? Hmmm... flying was my first impulse and initial response but I think having super healing powers and being able to touch someone and cure them with my mind would be a nice power too.

5) What changes, if any, do you want to see in the mental health care industry? I think there is still a long way to go as far as stigma is concerned. I know that I hold mean judgments against myself and believe that I should be able to "fix it" with or without meds and think "why are you still sick?" and have a sort of angst and I see that far more often than I'd like in all circles including providers, patients, and the public. I think once we work past that we might get further with treatments and support systems to really make an impact in mental health care on a broad scale.

6) What is the meanest thing someone has ever done to you? What is the nicest? I think the meanest thing someone has ever done to me (or one of the meanest things) was my college boyfriend hiding that I existed or that we were dating from his family. This included hiding my clothes and things in the closet when they visited and even pushing a dresser in front of the closet to prevent his brother from seeing my things (they even got into a fist fight, so he said, over preventing the brother from inspecting the closet) and diligently preventing me from ever bumping into his family. It was very invalidating and I ended up becoming suicidal and quite miserable by the time we broke up and I moved out... now that I think about it I'm amazed I lasted as long as I did in that relationship! It was a very... unique experience.

I think the nicest thing someone has done for me is the hubster stopping everything to get me to look him in the eyes and "Tell me what you're thinking. Tell me everything. Please." He has done this or something similar to it multiple times when I'm feeling anxious or having negative thoughts and he is trying to uncover my dark thoughts and it is the most validating, soothing thing anyone has done for me. It feels like nothing else matters except shedding light on those dark thoughts and getting me to feel better and I so appreciate that recognition and assistance.

There was also a surprise birthday party I remember when I was 13. We walked into the house after my dad had taken me to Seattle for a day trip and lunch or something and I already felt so spoiled from the trip I just burst into tears when everyone yelled "surprise!" it was so overwhelming. But then my mom yelled at me when I ran to my room to hide my red, crying face so it's sort of a mixed memory... Anyways! Moving on.

7) What historical person do you admire most? Honestly, I feel under-educated and under-aware when it comes to historical figures which makes it difficult for me to pick someone. Once I can explain why I would admire that person most and actually have a grasp on their basic biographical information I could answer this question, but as is I'm claiming ignorance... I know I admire John Muir and Teddy Roosevelt and while I know it has to do with conservation and personality I don't feel educated enough to lay down a firm answer to this question.

8) What would you do (on thing or many) to improve the world? I tend to get confused and overwhelmed when I think about this. I am aware of the fact that I don't know much as far as "how the world works" and I'm also a victim of highly variable moods that can really affect my thinking/perspective. That said, I'll try to express a point...

Sometimes I feel like the world would be better if there wasn't so much... um, I don't know how to put this, "industry" isn't the right word because industry is good but what I mean is the selfish, ad-centric, self-conscious, "fix it til it's perfect" sort of race that makes people feel bad about themselves and makes comparison run through our culture like a plague. I feel like we're as unified as we've ever been all over the planet and I hope this will keep improving but I feel like we have some serious problems with hurting ourselves and each other with the way we run our economy and our world... It's really complex and confusing but something about improving kindness and consideration I suppose. I hope this makes some small portion of sense to somebody!

9) What's your advice in life in a few words or a few short sentences? Be kind to yourself. Live life with a legacy of love in mind.

Ask Me Anything Answers: Part IV

Part IV of my answers from the "Ask Me Anything" post comes from questions submitted by fellow blogger Angella at "37 Paddington."

1) When did you first understand that you were struggling emotionally and how did help come to you?

The first time I really, really understood that I was struggling emotionally was in high school-I think I was 16. I had taken some angled tweezers and scratched up both of my forearms from my wrists to the crook of my elbows during an overnight field trip with the band. I ended up going to my instructor and showing him and breaking down and crying and we had a chat and he told me that what I was going through was something I needed to get help for.

When I got home from the trip I showed my parents my arms and told them I needed to see a counselor and they got me scheduled with a therapist at the military hospital we lived near. I began driving myself to therapy appointments and I saw that therapist for nearly two years, I think. He's actually part of the reason I like birds so much; he was a birder and would talk birds to calm me down whenever things got really upsetting in therapy. To this day seeing birds, drawing birds, watching birds, just birds in general are soothing to me.

It took years for me to be okay with trying medications (stigma and fear) and my current psychiatrist is my first psychiatrist-all my other prescribers have been an ARNP or a doctor. I've been through lots of therapists since that first counselor in high school and I'm currently in DBT therapy which so far seems the most helpful therapy technique I've experienced; it's still early but I'm hopeful. There's been a long road, is what I'm trying to say, and help has come from my parents, myself, campus resources, my husband, and beyond. I've been fighting this beast for a long time and have taken recommendations and resources from many different sources.

Unfortunately, having a baby really threw me for a loop and sent some tricky new stuff down the pike that definitely caught me off guard but as much of a struggle as it has been I'm very grateful to be as empathetic and sensitive as I am, I'm grateful for the people I've met through my mental health journey and I'm glad that I can be a sister to them even though it means being a part of this very painful challenge that we share, and I'm very grateful for the closeness my husband and I have developed through coping with my mental health together. I think he is my greatest source of help, hands down.


2) When you are in a dark place, what can people say or do that will be most helpful to you?

I think the most helpful things that people can say when I'm in a dark place is, "Are you safe?" or "It's going to be okay" and things like "You matter, you're worth it, we just want you to be better" or "It's the depression, it's not the real you."

My dark places usually involve a lot of anxiety so comfort and reassurance is helpful. When my depression flares up I tend to develop a lengthy list of reasons why I'm not worth keeping around and tend to lose perspective that it's a disease meddling with my brain and my thoughts. Reassurance and encouragement that target these pitfalls are most helpful for me and thankfully the hubs and my current therapist are quite good at reading me and offering helpful phrases as well as many of my blogger friends; they are so comforting and encouraging. I am very grateful for all these sources of support :o)


Thank you for the questions, they were definitely "thinkers." I'll post more answers next week. Thanks everyone for reading and submitting questions, I've definitely enjoyed answering them :o)

Ask Me Anything Answers: Part III

For Part III of my Answers series from the "Ask Me Anything" post I have another jumble of answers from a variety of bloggresses, although these all happen to involve the hubster!


First up is a multi-layered question from Birdie of "Ditching the Black Dog:" Tell us about your wedding day. Where did you have your ceremony? Did anything really go wrong? How many people were there? And what were you looking at in the picture under "Mawwiage?"

My wedding day went pretty dang well, especially when you consider that I was married outdoors in late October and we weren't directly rained on! The ceremony took place in the woods near some private cabins that we rented in Ashford, WA just outside of Mt. Rainier National Park at 9:30 AM. We exchanged personal vows but did not exchange rings-we were already wearing them, so we just did a "ring bump" instead-and we painted a personalized tree as part of our ceremony. There was also a rose ceremony that the minister brought along as part of his sermon. You can see pictures of the painting here and other details from the wedding celebration as part of my original blog post about my wedding :o)

The only thing that really went wrong is that my best friend/maid of honor (at the time she was my bestie, we've since "broken up" as I have some standards now) didn't prepare the wedding music as I requested so our ceremony was held in silence instead. It actually wasn't a huge deal, I think the sounds of the forest were lovely and many guests commented on how beautiful it was to just "be" in the moment without any soundtrack. The weather at my reception got pretty crazy and some people couldn't hang but I thought it was amazing to have sunshine, blue skies, rain, hail, and snow all in one day so I don't think of that as going wrong though I suppose many would.

How many people were there.... at the ceremony we had 25 people (including us, the minister, and a photographer) and at the reception we had at least double that. I knew that I wanted to be very open and honest with my vows and I knew that I would probably be very emotional so I wanted a smaller ceremony with my closest family and friends only. This ruffled a few feathers, but I don't give a damn. We had the ceremony we wanted and that's all that matters.

As for what we're looking at (minus the hubster) in this picture that you can find under the "Mawwiage!" tab at the top of my blog: 

The sky was an amazing bright blue and the sun came shining through that morning and we were appreciating the sun on our faces and the lack of rain in the sky! I think this is one of the moments when I found myself thinking, "Everything is perfect. I wouldn't change a thing. Everything is just right! This is awesome!"

Second up in today's "Answers" post is a question from Barbara in Caneyhead: Will you share with us how you and your hubby met?

Absolutely! The hubster and I were matched via eHarmony.com. We did multiple Q&A sessions and online messaging for quite a few weeks before meeting in person August 7th 2010 at a park in Tumwater, WA. He was in the middle of moving and I lived not too far from this park that was right off I-5 so I recommended we meet there for lunch, he could just stop off on his way north to move stuff... it was convenient although I do remember him putting up a little bit of a fight at the idea of me bringing the lunch, guess he wasn't used to letting the girl buy the date meal ;o) 

Anyways. I remember someone driving by in a big gold van and staring at me and I thought "What the heck is his problem?" and then I thought, "Wait, is that him? He drives a van?" Hah! Little did I know how many camping trips and road trips and explorations we would share with that van and how sad we would be when ole Bessie turned over for her last time.

We had lunch, chatted, went for a walk around the park, tried on each other's glasses, got rained on a little bit, and then he walked me to my car and gave me a big hug goodbye. I remember an awkward moment of hesitation when I thought we might share something more than a hug but my first date rules held firm! No kisses! 

As a sort of test I handed him an envelope to open later. It was a tri-fold hand drawn comic I had made for him about the hazards of hiking trails (he was volunteering with a trail repair crew the next day and I made a funny cartoon for him) and I figured if he appreciated the humor and my quirky craftsmanship than he might just be the guy for me but if he didn't get it maybe things weren't meant to be. He loved it. I continued to doodle and hand write letters and cards to him throughout our courtship and even now I still sneak notes and cards and such into his pockets or pillowcase or underwear drawer for little surprises now and again. 

We continued to communicate online and via phone and mail in addition to more and more in-person dates, eventually moving in together less than a year later and then he proposed and we decided to have a prudent "extended" engagement since our courtship seemed a little whirlwind-ish by our standards. We ended up getting married 2 years, 2 months and 13 days after that meeting in the park which is a funny numerical coincidence since my birthday is 2-13 (I always keep an eye out for 213s)  ;o)  and have been happily married ever since. 

We consider ourselves a shining example of eHarmony success and have never been ashamed of our relationship's origins, although I have noticed that some people are rather uncomfortable fessing up about utilizing online dating or matching services like eHarmony. We found eHarmony to be pretty thorough and appreciated the multi-step process involved in getting to know people. I can't comment on any other dating sites but eHarmony seems to have a pretty good rep. Certainly good in my book :o) 

Thanks ladies for submitting these questions! I certainly enjoyed strolling down memory lane to answer them <3 I'll have more answers to post next Monday from other readers, so stay tuned!

Ask Me Anything Answers: Part II

Okay, for Part II of my answering-spree from the "Ask Me Anything" post I have a jumble of answers from a variety of bloggresses.


First up is e from "Life in Progress" with the question, What is your favorite article of clothing?

This might be one of the most difficult questions of the bunch. No kidding.

My favorite article of clothing used to be a hand-me-down, bright blue t-shirt that used to be my dad's softball uniform tee from the year I was born. It was very thin and very worn in and eventually I decided to cut it up and make it into a quilt with a bunch of other stuff.

So now, my favorite article of clothing... the things that came up for me were my light blue fleece jacket and my maroon-purple-ish pajama pants. Those don't seem to make sense to me but maybe it's more about what the item is and not the item itself? if that makes sense. I like lounging around in pajama pants and I like cozying up in a fleece jacket. My jacket makes me feel safe and secure when I'm out and about and my pajama pants make me feel like everything is all right with the world and I can relax.

I also have some awesome bras that make my boobs look amazing. Maybe that's TMI but I certainly appreciate those bras each and every time I put one on and I think that counts somehow!


Second up is a question from Sue at "Elephant's Child," What is your biggest achievement?

Two things came up for me when I read this question and the first was giving birth to Baby Bananaface. I feel so good about myself when I think about what I achieved and I'm so happy that I was able to meet just about every single goal that I set for that labor and delivery. I didn't bake a bundt cake like I had planned, but I labored hard for 29 hours and got to catch him with my own two hands and I didn't tear and I didn't use any sort drugs or unnecessary equipment. I wasn't afraid, I was a lean, mean, birthing machine and I am so proud of myself.

The second thing that comes up for me is my marriage with the hubster. I think it counts as an achievement, I know it certainly feels like something we strive for-a happy, healthy marriage-and it's something that I had do a lot of processing over... What I mean is that it took a lot of work for me (and still does) to believe that I'm worth such a wonderful man, that I deserve him and his love and it was a big deal for me to embrace him as a huge blessing in my life and welcome that blessing into my life instead of rejecting it because I thought I didn't deserve it or that I wasn't good enough or however you want to phrase it. I love my husband dearly, I think we are a very close couple, I'm grateful for him everyday, and that all came from a lot of hard work and dedication to ourselves, each other, and our relationship and I think that's a big achievement.


Thank you again everyone for submitting questions, reading, and participating. Next Monday I post answers to questions about me and the hubster... cue the blushes and giggles! ;o)

Ask Me Anything Answers: Part I

I received more questions than I expected so I'm going to post answers in multiple posts until I have answered them all!

First up are a couple of questions from Linda over at "Linda's Peaceful Place":

1) What is your favorite color?

I don't even have to think about it for a full second-my favorite color is purple. I tend to prefer darker shades but generally enjoy all shades of purple more than most other colors. Now if you asked what my second favorite color is, I would start having some trouble because I love so many greens and blues and can't make up my mind. But my number one favorite color is purple!

2) If you could live anywhere else in the world (another country), where would you choose to live?

This is a tougher question for me, for sure, but I think that I can figure it out. I can't say that I would want to live somewhere if I haven't been there and the places I have been include New Zealand, Australia, Iceland, and Canada. I loved visiting each of these places, but if it came down to it I think Alberta, Canada is where my family and I would go. 

I went to Alberta for my babymoon and really enjoyed it. I don't know if I'd like living somewhere where there aren't big ole mountains and tons of fir trees and birds and wildlife that I grew up learning about and Alberta has all that. I love the Pacific Northwest and I think this area of the globe is where I belong. At least that's what I feel like right now. 

We've been having some hot days of late and I'm so relieved to have rain and grey skies the past few-I'm not sure I could handle the temperatures in Australia and New Zealand, and Iceland is pretty isolated, wonderful-don't get me wrong, but I'm not sure if a little island is a good idea for me for a long term.

So I will say Alberta, Canada. Where exactly, I'm not sure, but near the mountains most definitely :o)

Thank you Linda for questions, I enjoyed answering them and you definitely got me thinking! 

In other news, I'm having a bit of a rough day still battling the bug Baby Bananaface brought home from day care and my mood hasn't been the best. I'm trying not to be so hard on myself and judgmental about my negative thoughts, trying to just let them coast on by and not get sticky and destructive. Good day to have a therapy appointment, methinks! 

I'm going to be changing anti-anxiety medication again, so that on-going challenge continues, but going down to 40 mg on my Latuda seems to have done the trick with the jitters problem I had and I'm very grateful for that change.

Trying not to freak and stay hopeful about feeling better soon :o) Happy Monday everyone!

Here's a cute pic:

Ask Me Anything!

On this Friday the 13th I wanted to do something extra fun. I was inspired by a blogging friend who did an "Ask Me Anything" post little bit back. Following her lead I will take questions and then begin answering them next month, a few questions in each post.

No clue how many questions I'll receive, but it only takes one for me to consider this a success (I'm working on my 51%er moves). It could be one post that answers all questions or it could take months for me to get through them, we'll just have to wait and see. 

If you're wondering, yes, you can submit more than question, no limits, no problemos. Also, I retain the right to not answer any questions I don't jive with, but I'm a pretty open book so don't be shy-all topics are welcome! I can't think of any other rules or regulations so....

I now declare it open season for all questions! Even totally random questions are welcome! 

Comment below or send me a private message (on the right side of the blog toward the bottom I have "Carrier Pigeons for Hire" where you can message me) or email me direct at hkleimback at gmail dot com. 

Thank you for participating and for reading, I greatly appreciate it!