Cruise 2025 Comin' Up

Hubs, BB, and I are going on a big ole cruise in a bit. If anyone has any tips or "must sees" shoot me a comment! I've included the itinerary below.

I'm nervous. I haven't been abroad since 2009 (I don't count Canada and Mexico for whatever reason), but excited as well. We have liked our cruises so far and while we haven't been with this cruise line before, we are hoping to have another good experience. 

BB told us he wanted to go to Ancient Greece a while ago and we told him that we couldn't go right away, that it would take planning and saving. He was distraught. Draped himself over the Costco cart and refused to walk and moaned throughout the rest of the shopping trip. Even samples weren't enough to break the funk. Well, the hubs took his request to heart and made a Greece trip happen and then some!

We are a little concerned about how we'll be received in Europe as Americans in the Trump era, but excited nonetheless. I have never been to Europe, but am happy to be going with Hubs and BB. It's going to be quite an adventure.

My mom is coming down to catsit for us and then BB will fly up to WA state with grandma for some summertime fun. It's going to be quite a summer for him... sometimes I wonder if he'll ever know how privileged and blessed he is. I never could imagine these types of adventures when I was his age and he doesn't even seem phased! My main concern is I don't want him to be entitled. I don't need a big thank you card or anything, I'm just wanting to make sure he understands that this is special.

The spots we're stopping at:

Piraeus, Greece (Athens)

Istanbul, Turkey

Kusadasi, Turkey (Ephesus)

Mykonos, Greece

Souda, Greece (Chania)

Katakolon, Greece (Olympia)

Sarande, Albania

Dubrovnik, Croatia

Trieste, Italy (Venice)

Well, I guess it's time for supper makin'. And more coughing and blowing my nose. Hopefully those don't get mixed up.

:o)

A Slice of Vacay (Big Slice!)

Last week the hubs, Baby Bananaface, and I escaped from my parents' and went east! 

Our first stop, my in-laws' home. We had a relaxing evening and despite the visit being mostly functional stopover, we enjoyed each others' company as usual.

Next we ventured further forward (those ghastly smoke-filled skies from the wildfires up north following us for hundreds of miles) to a small town in Oregon. BB got to play and make friends-for-a-day at the playground before hopping back in the car and heading for Twin Falls, ID. Another great park experience (surprise pooslide inc.) and then another stint of driving to Boise for the night.

Ugh. Went cheap. Nasty motel. Never again. Anyways.

The next day we made it into Salt Lake.

It was something different to my eyes being in such a large city in such a flat format. The mountains wooed me instantly. On our hike the next day I lost my breath before we stepped on the trail. I was choked up with the beauty of those mountains. I live in Western Washington and am used to big ole mountains covered in pine. I thought that was majesty. I thought those were vital. Now they feel smothering... the mountains there felt like a weight off my shoulders. Freedom. Vibrant vitality. 

I will wrap up with other tidbits, for now enjoy some visual aids!

In front of Donut Falls

Helping BB walk along the creek on the way to the falls.

Ya know. Us. ;o)

At Cecret Lake, the other hike. It was quite popular and very fun despite being more elevation and climb.

The hubster wanted to "catch me in my natural element."

We weren't exactly sure what these critters were at the time

and have since discovered they are ground squirrels!

Quite numerous and quite fearless. Helped keep BB's attention!

Hubby spotting BB as he takes off climbing and scrambling and running down trail!

Walking through wildflower fields at the bottom of the hike....

BB's enchanting stance at The Great Salt Lake...

I love this picture and can't quite sum up why at the moment!

Other moments of our vacation included playgrounds as often as possible, exploring the Aviary at Liberty Park, Wasatch Brewery (YUM), Antelope Island (bison and antelope!!!), and simply enjoying some time to relax in a cozy cottage together as a family. Oh, and BB pooped on the potty again!!! Yay!

Our vacation was fun and beautiful and delicious. It was also speckled with anxiety and depressive symptoms. Arguing. Stress. Part of our vacation mission was to scout the Salt Lake area as a potential relocation spot for us in the near future. With a different weather pattern, great amenities, and job opportunity for both of us there is a lot of potential there to grow and maintain a healthy life. Not to mention, we simply like it.

We've decided to move out of my parents' as soon as possible. Regain our health and stability. I'm going to pursue my master's degree online. We're going to save up money and he's going to apply for jobs and hopefully, within a couple years, we'll be back in Salt Lake to make a new home for ourselves. We are very much hoping that his folks will move down there with us! 

It's a lot to take in a lot of work. We shall see :o)

Highlights AKA Lots of Pics

Been ups and downs like usual around here. I think there have been slightly more ups though :o) Here are some pics from some of the ups!

Father's Day involved sticky buns and strawberry pickin'. I made a pound cake and strawberry sauce for the BBQ that afternoon after we went pickin' just no pics of that :o)

BB wasn't impressed w/ the tractor ride

A different day involved letting a slug nibble on my hand and then my cousin recommended a Slug Fest at a local(ish) wild life park called NW Trek. We had fun and BB was sure exhausted after our adventure! Saw lots of animals though... elk,  caribou, black tail deer, bighorn sheep, moose, swans, geese, snowy owl, barn owl, lynx, black bear, fisher, porcupine, sea otters, beavers, raccoons, opossum... maybe more. Oddly enough, no slugs. :o(

Special cool down treat kept him going!

Then he crashed after making his slug
tentacle hat. Fell asleep not 5 min away!

Departure

Today has been a break from routine as was yesterday. It's a bit stressful and at the same time a wonderful departure. I've been making the long(ish) drive north back to our "home" area for a few appointments. I've been able to reconnect with friends, cruise familiar places, and have some plain ole solo adventure time.

After having a nice long chat with a DBT friend I'm feeling more aware of the hazards regarding living with my family. Another friend I met with yesterday had expressed similar concerns without the DBT language and it raised flags just didn't settle in the same way. Today, my friend and I spoke in "technical terms" and the mechanics of it all sunk in a bit more.

Honestly, I haven't been living as mindfully as I want to lately. The stress of our living situation and trying to navigate the dynamics of my family--old norms and blossoming habits--it's been occupying a lot of space in my brain. The distraction can be good, it can also be a sort of trap. "Woohoo! Hannah, look over here!" *CLANG* "Oh shit, guess there was a bear trap there...." Hopefully that makes a modicum of sense haha

So, it raises the hair on the back of my neck talking honestly about my living situation and the transitional period we're in. It also gives me a sense of calm... a sort of zen moment that may allow me to refocus and engage in a more skillful approach to my challenges in the hopes of maintaining the progress that I've made and avoiding backslides.

I already feel that I'm sliding. My affect and turn of phrase morphing back into my (enter maiden name here) role. That constant joking, sarcasm, and teasing overtaking my conversations instead of genuine, purposeful, thoughtful words that I prefer and appreciate. I think that's part of what was so relieving having that Saturday night just me and hubster. No pressure, no walls, just being us and knowing that we're loved and accepted as-is.

I'm still working on developing my "life worth living" and asserting my personal values. One of those values is being genuine and forthcoming. No hiding. No pandering. Building the belief within myself that I'm worthwhile and have a right to be here and that I'm worth something-a lot of that practice comes from using my voice and speaking my truth. Being myself. Not living in a way that reinforces shame and fear. Not exactly accepted practice around my first family...

Still very intimidated by trying to maintain this practice in this environment-I think I'd go as far to say "unhealthy" environment. I don't want to over-dramatize; my DBT friend even said, "It's one thing to practice these skills and keep yourself on the right track when in your own safe bubble-it's quite another when you're thrust back into the middle of what made you need DBT in the first place!" Amen.

There's a taste of what's goin' on with me ;o)



In other news, I'm going to see my fabulous OBGYN for my pre-op appointment in just a little bit. I took care of a call from the surgery paper pushers regarding basic health questions (very nice gals, just felt a little "shouldn't you have all this from my files already?" guess it's better to be safe.)

I'm still excited to have the surgery performed although I'm getting a little worried about the recovery period. They say I'll need about a week of down time and then I can work back up to my regular activities. Having just started with CrossFit, I'm not sure how that will go... I'm pretty good at telling what I can do and what I can't. Maybe it's just one of those "wait and see," "you'll know when you get there" types of things? I just don't want to take too much time off when my exercise is such a cornerstone of my mood management.

My mother was minimizing the procedure. Felt a little... invalidating? Insulting? I don't know, "enter negative feeling here." Anyways. Maybe it won't be that bad. That'd be great. In the meantime, I will try to be prepared for a challenge. I tend to handle pain pretty well and heal relatively quickly *knockonwood*

Hoping everyone is doing well and that my northern hemisphere friends are enjoying this shift toward summer weather. I'm a little miffed with how hot it got so abruptly! I am enjoying the sunshine ;o) Hoping that I'll cope with the heat a little better being comfortable wearing tanks and shorts this year instead of t-shirts and capris. Just a little bit of fabric makes a big difference to me!


Happy Humpday <3

Hiking with Baby Bananaface

It was muddy, it was cold, it was messy, it was bold!

We let BB take the lead and on the way back we found an adorable squirrel!

Baby Bananaface's Pre- Birthday Celebration

We were down at my folks' this weekend to celebrate Baby Bananaface's
birthday (it's on Monday so we celebrated Saturday).

He had a great time eating the raspberry filled chocolate fudge and I made
him and playing with the balloons Mom got him and he actually enjoyed
opening gifts!

We went to a children's museum and he had a blast. Was a little tough
getting him inside from the outdoor area but he was easy to distract from
his tantrum in a place like that.

Enjoy the random pics from throughout our day. He insisted on wearing his
galoshes and big hat, it was so cute!

I hope to post again tomorrow or Tuesday.

Happy weekend!

I Been Busy!

Boy howdy. It's been a busy few days!

Saturday the hubby and I got an extended date day when my mom surprised us and said that she wasn't planning on staying for lunch, just grabbing Baby Bananaface and heading out (she was taking him for an overnight babysitting session so the hubs and I could go to a game group party). So the hubster and I took the opportunity to dine in the bar section and the hubs even had a fufu mojito!

That was just the beginning of our date day-some shopping, a murder mystery party, and a movie at the theater followed! The movie was a pretty big deal considering I hadn't been to the cinema in over 6 months for fear of triggering my anxiety or panic. I definitely experienced some stress but I was able to ride the waves, use my skills, and make it through the movie without succumbing to the anxiety or a panic attack-I'd even say that I had a good time ;o)



Sunday I juggled ornaments and the gym before my sister arrived with BB (worked out really well that we could drop him off halfway to my parents' Saturday and then my sister could bring him back to us on Sunday since she and I had plans). She and I proceeded to have a girls' night out with a trip to a local nursery/shop for their Christmas extravaganza (I enjoyed some free decaf and Christmas cookie treats).

We then proceeded to have a fun dinner out before nabbing some lattes on our way downtown to the theater where we got to see a live production of "The Little Mermaid!" We were both a little worried about how they would handle one of our favorite movies ever but the production was nicely executed and we weren't disappointed. We both got the crap scared outta us by some confetti cannons but it was fun overall!

I think my favorite part of the night was listening to music while we drove to Seattle and back; singing at the top of lungs together. My sister and I aren't always on the same wavelength and sometimes it feels like we don't know each other very well, but last night we had a great time together and I'm so grateful for the experience.

Today I had to just keep rollin' as I had two appointments downtown and still have one to go (thankfully not as far a drive but still outta my way). 

My endocrinology appointment went super fast as did my blood draw. Good news! If this thyroid level is good like my last test I can switch to following up with my primary care provider instead of seeing a specialist-and that means just driving or walking across the street instead of driving 45 minutes into downtown *woot*

My psychiatry appointment went well too. We talked about all the progress I've made and how I'm handling the challenges that remain and agreed that waiting and seeing how the Lamictal treats me this time is the best idea for now. I had tried the Lamictal months ago for purely mood stabilizing purposes but now I've been prescribed the drug for anti-seizure purposes. My psychiatrist thinks it might work better this time around as a mood stabilizer since my mood is much better now to start with than it was. As she put it, "you were in a hole, a BIG hole." I sure hope she's right and I can get a 2-for-1 with this med! 

Whew. So that's a bit of what's going on here. Trying not to think too far ahead but still working toward my goals, one step at a time :o)

Happy Monday! 

Weekend Pics & Tuesday Wrap-up

Well, it looks like the hubster is gonna be riding the bus to work for a while!

We got my ole car towed back to the condo and when he checked it out this evening he discovered some horrible smelling, black transmission fluid (I had to ask, "So, it's not supposed to be like that?" and he said it was supposed to be pink or clear). From what I've heard so far it seems to be the end for my Mabel :o(

It was stressful today but I'm really proud of myself for coping and getting through as well as I did. I even reached out for help from a friend and managed to get in for some ornament work hours!

The whole breakdown was an adventure, but I made it through without any extra hiccups. I was experiencing problems right from the get-go on my morning trip to the gym. It was revving real high without speeding up or changing gear. Eventually I was barely able to make 25 mph and had just decided that I better pull off the road when the light changed and I had to stop. When it turned green I wasn't able to get going again at all. I was stranded in the right lane of traffic.

My first call was to the hubster but he didn't answer. My second call was to my mother and I got straight to the point, "Hey Mom, I'm broke down in the middle of the road and the car won't move, what do I do next?" She told me to try and get out of traffic if I could get somebody to help push me outta the road a bit and to call a tow company, so that's what I did! A nice guy in a white jeep stopped and pushed me off to the side a bit. Then the sheriff showed up and got me outta the road completely-a welcome bonus!

We'll see what happens with our transportation situation but for now it looks like we'll be a one-car family for a bit and have to navigate the busy holidays with a little more consideration. I really don't feel all that worried at the moment, a nice shift from my familiar anxiety issues. I feel pretty confident that we'll make things work and get through this-one day at a time.

AND

Here's some photos from our weekend excursion:

SO many people!

Pretty hotel across the street,
picture was taken in-transit so
it's a little wonky!

Another shot from the car,
some tree lights I appreciated.

My favorite part of the lighting ceremony,
Baby Bananaface sleeping away in his sling
through the lighting and cheers.

Another crowd shot and some of the lights-
mostly cellphone lights methinks!

Snow on our trip back over the pass.

It was a fun trip despite being a little exhausting. We enjoyed hanging out with my parents and sister and nephew-I'm even feeling a little excited for Christmas now! Nice to be looking forward to festivities instead of just feeling intimidated and wary :o)

Thanksgiving and the Weekend

This year, like years before, we traveled across the mountains to my in-laws for Thanksgiving. It felt a bit different this year since my memories of years previous are rather splotchy at the moment-almost felt like a new experience! Although I do remember the feelings of enjoyment and relaxation and safety that are so closely tied to my in-law's place, so while things felt new they also still felt familiar and comforting.

The food was great as usual and my mom-in-law made a chocolate pecan pie this year that may make it hard for me to go back to regular pecan pie! So dang scrumptious. Dark as sin, it was so chocolaty, but when ya warmed it up and ohhhh... so good. Ahem. *recomposes self* Pie swoon over. I think y'all get the picture!

Our travels went well. We avoided the major traffic and the pass was clear, didn't even hit all that much rain either. We got to hang out with one of the hubster's sisters too and it was nice to catch up a bit. They got a little feisty over politics and such but they kinda like to do that so it was nice to see the hubbo getting his debate fix.

We had to leave and head home earlier than we really wanted to but needed to make it back Friday night because Saturday I had work obligations and we also had an appointment with the shelter to take Fio in.

It was a pretty emotional afternoon, especially for the hubster. We really truly believe that he'll have a better life with a new family though. We just aren't able to be the pet parents we want to be. We were actually discussing how surprised we were that this didn't happen sooner what with all the crap we've been dealing with postpartum... but no more neglect and short stick, Fio will find a family to pamper him. *sigh* Definitely feel some shame but really think that it'll be best for everyone in the long run.

Work was busy and will continue to be extra busy with Cyber Monday coming up but I felt really good Saturday after having an especially efficient work day and working faster than I'd ever worked before. They don't call me "Super Hannah" for nothing! In addition to two "groups" of ornaments I also plowed through two mega orders.

One of the mega orders involved a crapton of names on a Christmas tree, the same ornament 12 times in a row. I don't usually get achy when I work, but that order had my hard hurting! Here's a pic:

The owner wasn't sure if she wanted it dotted or not but I hope they dot it. I think the dots make it look finished, not to mention I don't dot my 'i's when I write because I'm expecting them to dot it up for me! Here's an example of the finished ornament with the dots. I was surprised when I started working here that the writing and the dots were two endeavors but now it's just "normal."

Anyways. Time to get Baby Bananaface brekkie-I let him sleep in a bit this morning :o)

Hope everyone is having a good weekend, definitely a wet one up here in the PNW!

Rollin' With It

This weekend was a bit different than anticipated due to unforeseen events, mainly, my husband's best friend's dad dying.


I remember the hubbo coming out of the bathroom Wednesday or Thursday with his phone in hand, a funny look on his face. I had been filling out and addressing his best friend's birthday card to be mailed that afternoon and requested that he sign it.

"You might need to make a different card," he said, looking down.

"What do you mean? What's going on?"

He shook his head and sighed. I began to feel concerned.

"What is going on? Please tell me what is going on." I tried to pry an explanation from him but he remained quiet. I took a stab in the dark, "Who died?"

Tears gathered in his eyes and he sucked in a fast, deep breath as sobs burbled forth. He managed to tell me it was his best friend's dad that had died as we came together in a hug. I felt him crying in my arms and between the shock of the news and empathy for him and his friend I felt a profound sense of gratitude that I could be there for him in this moment. There had been so many moments when I wouldn't have been able to offer comfort or support over the past year and change, but that afternoon I felt solidly grounded in my ability to be a partner and wife.

I think all that we've been through postpartum and the thought of our own parents dying made the news hit closer to home but things became even more emotional when we learned that his friend's dad had died by suicide. After being so close to that experience ourselves having a friend go through it... just wow. It's still amazing to me in a terribly sad way.

The hubbo wanted to attend the service, driving over 4 hours there and back in one day. At first I thought that we'd all be going but then we decided it would be a better idea for him to do the trek on his own and me and Baby Bananaface to hang at my parents'. Thankfully they were in town and able to accommodate our needs although they had a busy Saturday of their own. I was able to integrate into their schedule and they were able to give me the support that I needed while being in charge of BB "on my own" for the day.

It was a stressful, tiring weekend but there were perks along the way: being able to support the hubster, spending time with my family, having dinner out with just me and my siblings. The hubs and I were even able to get home early enough Sunday for me to hit up yoga class! A challenging but rewarding weekend. Here are some pics:

Today was pretty tiring too. I'm feeling that last minute rush before Thanksgiving and the backed up laundry from our impromptu weekend journey ain't helping the situation! Gym classes were good though and it didn't rain, which was a nice surprise perk.

My tired brain has lost track of where I was going with this, so I'll leave this post here and call it good.

If I don't post again before then, Happy Thanksgiving to all celebrating. We are headed over to my in-laws and very much looking forward to our holiday time. I hope everyone has a restful, fun, and delicious day!

Despite the Pain

Yesterday was quite a day. My parents came up and watched BB so the hubbo and I could hike Mt. Pilchuck.

The hike was a challenging one but the weather made it way more intense; especially this part at the end where we had to scramble across some boulders and up a slick ladder, but we were pretty motivated. I had never made it to the top of the trail before and the hubster hadn't in many years AND there was a placard at the top that happens to have our son's name and helped sway the hubby toward naming him that... so I really wanted to see that :o)

Hopefully this video works, sort of the brink of my technological savvy trying to put it in here!

Way more intense at the
top than we expected!
Yes, my glasses were
totally fogged up.

I could imagine the lookout having spectacular views during the right season. As it was, we were totally shrouded by fog and clouds with driving rain and very intense wind that buffeted the tower and made some loud banging noises on top of the loud wind rushes. It made the scramble down from the tower quite scary and cold to the point where I couldn't feel my fingers and the hubster said he saw freezing rain!

Hubster smile...

Hubster smirk...

How we do our trails in the fall/winter in the
good ole Pacific Northwest! 

But we made it. There and back. Despite the scary parts on the trail and the scary parts in my mind when my brain started to wander in bad directions. It usually doesn't happen to me while on a hike but yesterday I had to use a lot of skills to cope with the distressing thoughts and well on into the night I was struggling against my anxiety and darkness.

After an hour of trying to fall asleep last night without success I turned to my prescribed medication for help and even got some iced sponges for my face to help calm me down. It took a while and some effort but I averted full-blown crisis and managed to nod off somehow!

Nights can be rough for me and I'm not quite sure why but maybe because I had so many dark, traumatic nights in the depths of my depression? Maybe because I've struggled with getting to sleep for so many years? I don't know and it doesn't quite matter but it came up last night, that's for sure. The anxiety and dark thoughts were out in force!

I'm really proud of myself for not only making it to the top of the hike but for coping with my symptoms and coping with my symptoms again and again. It's been difficult lately to simply accept the pain and just deal with it. I've been feeling sad and "pouty" about putting up with yet more anxiety and dark thoughts and I feel ashamed of this but it's worth acknowledging, since the anger and stubbornness makes things harder for me in the long run.

A little mantra I came up with on the hike helped soothe me a bit. It went like this, "Everyone has their own pain, everyone has their own gifts." Pain is a part of everyone's life as a human and I need to come to a place of acceptance around that to live a better life.

So. The journey continues. Hope you enjoy the pictures :o) Despite the pain, despite the wind, despite the rain we had a great time and will cherish those memories for a long time!

Keep on keepin' on <3

An Update Before Bed...

It's late and I can't write out much but I wanted to do a little update before bed anyways :o)

The weekend went pretty well. Definitely felt the stress and definitely had to use more skills and more medication to ride the waves of my mood but I really enjoyed seeing my MIL. I was even pleasantly surprised by the interactions with the hubby's siblings and having "adult" time-I did fine!

The weekend involved some scheduled outings and time hanging out at my in-law's, even an evening out at a local bar with the hubby's sibs/in-laws.

I really enjoyed the carousel, even played with Baby Bananaface on the playground nearby for a good bit of time. Fun fact: that was the hubbo's first time on a carousel that he's aware of! Woo woo! The boat ride was fun and a nice break from routine where I acknowledged that I was feeling relaxed and enjoying myself-a rarity lately! I even got in some cuddles with BB <3

Overall, I feel like it was tough but not rough and a victory in my mind, which feels good :o)



On a more recent note, I had a busy day today with three appointments including one with my therapist and even though I waited until the last ten minutes I did indeed bring up my concerns! It was a big leap for me and there were some tears involved but I made my feelings known and I feel proud of myself.

Not sure how things will work out in the long run but we've made a commitment to working on things and we'll just take it from there. She actually mentioned that she had felt something was off but couldn't tell what it was and let me know that she was very glad that I said something, which felt good to hear.

I got so much encouragement from so many places (friends online, friends IRL, psychiatrist, another therapist, hubby, maybe even more) and I'm so glad that I finally brought this up! Thank you for the encouragement and support everybody :o) We'll see where things go from here, but for now-GO ME!!!


Another GO ME!!! moment involves coping with a big ole panic attack during the car ride home this afternoon. Thankfully it happened while I was stopped at a light but it was quite sudden and very intense. Despite the tingles and blurry vision and heat wave I was able to calm myself down rather quickly and coped pretty well. I think I'm making some progress with the panic but definitely a work in progress. That said-GO ME!!!


So there we are, my "short" update. HA! Good night and best wishes :o)

Travel Time

Baby Bananaface is carefully scooping the cereal-flavored milk from his tiny toddler bowl, the hubs is frantically showering before I take off for my early gym class, and we're all on a slightly altered schedule as the day proceeds into a departure...

Not sure if I'll be able to type much as the weekend goes by but I'm going to try and do some mobile updates as I go. We're going to visit my in-laws on the other side of the state and it's been quite a while. To top things off the hubster's siblings (all of them) and their families are coming too (as far as we know) to celebrate Dad's 75th birthday.

I'm nervous. I'm excited. I feel homesick in a way. That's the kind of mother-in-law I have, you feel homesick when you don't get to see her in a while! His siblings are nearly strangers to me and I'm not sure if they're aware of the ECT and memory issues and the postpartum jazz... One sister I can talk with and feel like I know but even that is a minimal relationship. *sigh* I can only be me.

As for mood update... I've been doing pretty well. Panic attacks in the early AM but coping well and getting back to sleep afterward. Still get increased anxiety in the evening as I anticipate the sleeping challenges but I'm working on working through that. We shall see.

For now, just keeping as even a keel as I can and getting through a different sort of weekend this weekend!

Happy Friday-eve and early Happy Weekend to all! 

A Long Day, A Long Post

Today was quite a day in a pretty good way. Don't get me wrong, I've been surfing anxiety up and down and using skills, even popped an Ativan this evening, but overall I'm proud of myself and how this day went despite being off-routine!


It all started with hitting the gym and not a gym class. This was partially due to my schedule but also because the instructor I liked that did a class Tues/Thur mornings left to work more at her other job and they put a different class in that time slot that just doesn't challenge me enough (although I did try it once and enjoyed the social aspect).

Anyways. I chatted with a nice lady on the treadmill next to me and had a good, sweaty workout proving to myself that I can jog a mile without stopping-in fact, I took a short break to walk and then ran another mile! It felt good and I plan on doing so again tomorrow since my schedule is once again off-routine and requires an early gym visit that doesn't correspond with a class.

Odd detail, but as part of my schedule I opted to shower at the gym and happily noticed that I was more comfortable in the locker room. I even joked with a lady while I was only in my undies and bra!

"Ha!" I laughed as I unpacked the rest of my outfit for the day from my gym bag, making brief eye contact with the woman loading her locker to my left, "I guess ya know it's fall when you don't recognize the clothes in your own gym bag! I saw something yellow and had no clue what it was for a second!"

"Ha! I guess you're right!" She smiled and we laughed together for a moment before returning to our tasks in our own separate bubbles, but it was nice to connect for however brief.


My next social moment was chatting up the barista while I ordered my decaf double shot Americano for the potentially horrendous trafficky drive to meet my mom south of Seattle. We talked teas and autumn and laughed and it felt wonderful, a good way to set off into traffic I'd say!


My drive south went better than anticipated and I was able to reach my destination without hanging onto Google Map's every word from my phone (ECT memory baby steps!). Although when I parked and went to put my hair up with a band that I had scrounged from deep in my purse I found that my butt felt suddenly, acutely uncomfortable in my pants, as if they were chafing or pinching somehow all of a sudden when I'd been comfy all the way there... I couldn't figure it out so I decided to try and walk it off but as I walked away from the car I heard something clink on the parking garage floor and found my tiny Flounder pin. It must've dislodged from my purse as I scrounged for the hair band and somehow ended up under my right thigh in just the right place to poke me in the ass. Yep. That happened. I was annoyed but mostly amused!

Random pic of Baby Bananaface from last night
The hubster's caption to the grandparents was:
"Be with you in a moment." Ha!

Mom and I were meeting a mall and she got a little confused about which parking garage to park in so I had to give her some supplemental directions over the phone so she could find me (I had bags of hand-me-downs for my nephew so we wanted to park right by each other for the transfer). Feeling a little goofy and inspired, I decided to stand at the top of the parking garage ramp and overzealously gesticulate to get her attention and guide her to the right parking area. It was a good stretch-a one point I balanced on one leg and waved my other limbs all at once to occupy as much attention-grabbing space as possible-and my mom got a good kick outta it.

While we were in the mall I happened to come across a gal in the bathroom standing in front of the tampon dispenser in a bit of a frustrated huff and I walked up to her and said, "Hey, if you need a tampon or a pad or something, I'm carrying. You need one?"

She was surprised but looked happy to receive the offer and said she really needed a tampon. I offered her one from my overly cautious, abundant purse stash and we cheerfully parted ways.

Later on in the mall venture I paused to say hello and compliment a woman on her unique sweater. A compilation of white and browns woven (knitted? I don't know exactly the term or technique) into a cool pattern with llamas or alpacas and little mountains. I quite liked it and told her so and she told me it was made some alpaca.  We shared some bright smiles and wished each other wonderful days.


TMS treatment was a little different than usual too. I was exactly on time instead of my usual 15-25 minutes early and I was able to say that I was having a decent day instead of just listing all the things that were challenging me.

On top of this, I was able to relax enough to chat with the technician during treatment. I haven't really been very chatty during treatment, maybe before or after but not during. Today I was pausing the Netflix show to share snippets with the tech and explain the crazy traits of the different fish the host was going after. Today involved giant catfish in the Amazon and crazy looking alligator gar in Texas-with bonus slime!

You can check out the FB page here,
that's where the pic came from!

After I finished rewatching "Border Security: Canada's Front Line" I wasn't sure what to watch next, but luckily one of the Netflix recommendations on the TMS office's iPad led me to this show called "Chasing Monsters." I had never heard of Cyril Chauquet, but maybe some of my Canadian blogging friends will have seen him around on the telly? Apparently he's been doing shows about fishing for quite a while. Might have to look his other show up when this one runs out!


The rest of the day involved getting home through more traffic, walking the dog, and making dinner while the hubster and BB made it home a bit late. We all went to Costco which was enjoyable and I got to load and unload nearly everything so I got some of the strength training I missed from my usual gym class.

My mood has been mostly good. I've been able to stay positive and dismiss unhelpful and/or negative thoughts but I have had anxiety at my back and even a panic attack this evening. The hubster commented that it was nice to see me feeling more "me," and I made a comment along the lines that I'd have to take his word for it because I don't remember being quite this social and outgoing and sassy! But he says that's part of why he married me was because I was a strong, determined, sassy woman. Might ebb and flow with a mood disorder, but maybe I'm getting more strong, determined, and sassy stretch of things?

We shall see!

Right now I'm just focusing on a good night's rest and preparing myself for another off-kilter day schedule wise. Tomorrow is volunteering at the blood bank in the afternoon so early appointment for TMS and early-early gym time... a little wonky and jumbled but I've done it before and enjoyed the volunteer work. Hope that same lady is there as last week!


For now, the sleepy time.


Oh. Happy Fall to all my northern hemisphere bloggers and Happy Spring to those down south! Not sure I'm ready for the rainy season, but here it comes :o)

Sunday Review/Happy Monday!

Yesterday was the 15th anniversary of 9/11 and even though I had been thinking of the event all week, I honestly forgot about it that morning until halfway through my walk with Fio.

It was a beautiful morning and I found myself feeling so grateful that I could be taking a peaceful walk without fearing for my life, even swapping content "good morning" greetings with my neighbors. We're just about strangers to each other but we're also countrymen with an undeniable link and that's so important to remember.

The radio station I happened to have on played the anthem on the hour all day and the hubs and I both really appreciated it (even got a little teary!) despite not being in love with the version they selected... but Whitney Houston's take on the anthem grew on us during the day I think.

I always end up feeling very grateful even though there are also many dark feelings like fear and anger that come along with these anniversaries.

Speaking of anniversaries, Sunday also happened to mark 5 months since I attempted to take my life. I still feel like I'm "sick" and frustrated to still be striving for some undefined "all better" or sense of feeling good enough (but really, even when I'm "healthy" I'm not sure if I've ever been able to maintain a sense of feeling good enough). I think that's a really complicated aspect of my mental health, but someday I hope to be at peace with myself and really, truly accepting my best as good enough.

All that said, I think I've made a lot of changes and my baby steps are adding up to many positive shifts in my health and my life. I still have hard days and I still wonder if I can hold it all together, but more and more I find myself believing in my own strength and appreciating the little things that I'm able to do now that I just couldn't manage those several months back-even simple things like getting out of the condo, feeding myself, and doing chores.

We didn't do anything specific to commemorate the date but the hubs and I were both contemplative and able to appreciate our family hike and time together a little more than usual :o)

Here are some fun pictures from the trail: a cool frog I spotted, a family selfie, and some goofy pics. Also, another selfie from story time at home that night.

Many emotions and ups and downs but overall a good day.

So far, my Monday is going well. I was feeling well enough to cancel the ECT appointment I made "just in case" last week. There were a few pretty bad days last week that made us think I might need a treatment to get the suicidal thoughts to subside, but I think I'm transitioning out of the darkness-at least I'm working hard to try and make that happen!

Anyways, the ECT staff and TMS staff have been very helpful and supportive and I'm so glad to have them as part of my treatment. It's amazing how such wonderful people manage to be in some of the darkest spots of life and brighten things up no matter how bad things get.

Happy Monday all!

Vacay Mega Post!!!

For our vacation we went up north to a little town called Birch Bay and stayed with my parents at a condo. We played a lot of card/dice/word games and also saw some of my relatives (my two remaining aunts from my dad's side and even a cousin of mine and my sister for a little bit the first day) as well as participating in a variety of day trips and other fun.

It was a good trip even though I battled through some anxiety at times. Some of the highlights included working out at the gym watching "I Love Lucy" and "The Golden Girls" from the treadmill, communicating with my mom about my anxiety and getting support from her, going to Canada and golfing as well as getting Baby Bananaface his first haircut, and playing in the pool with my family.

Here are some pics captured by my mom throughout the trip, there are a few repetitive ones and quite a variety but I felt like some were too good not to share!

All of us at my alma mater, Western Washington Uni.
I got a new sweatshirt that I've been wanting for months-
yay!

The hubs and BB enjoying the pool

Apparently Mom took a shot of me in the pool-
I look so happy I'm even comfy sharing
the pic even with me in a bathing suit!

The hubster had some very angry energy
with his very aggressive swings...
I happened to find him a perfect keepsake
afterward-an angry golfing Donald Duck ornament!

Can't golf without a binkie!

Action shot. He held onto that golf ball
nearly the entire time!

This reminds me of Godzilla for some reason :o)

Baby Bananaface preparing for takeoff
at his first haircut-he really enjoyed the
"Dora the Explorer" on the TV!

Me and my parents happily observing

Not phased at all-totally chill the entire time!

The "after" picture :o)

The hubs and I playing around
with Mom's "Snapchat" app thingy face-swap!

I used a lot of my DBT skills throughout the vacation and I think it contributed to me enjoying the trip more. I also really appreciated being able to use the skills to reach out to my husband and my family for support as I struggled with some anxiety instead of keeping quiet and trying to hide my truth.


Speaking of DBT, I had class tonight that was the end of a module and involved the graduation of 3 ladies that I really appreciate having in class and am going to miss quite a bit... I decided to be brave and wrote them each a little note with my contact information so maybe I'll hear from them and we'll stay in touch. We shall see! I think this is an example of one of the ways DBT is helping me and I'm growing as a person and I'm really grateful for that :o)

In other news, I start TMS tomorrow and see one of my friends from college/childhood so gonna be a busy day! I'm scared but trying to believe in myself and stay calm and focused and just do my best.


Mega post out!