Last week I got to graduate from my DBT therapy. Wednesday the 1st was my last group night and Tuesday the 7th was my last individual meeting. I can still contact my therapist if I need help or need a random session. Still, it was a goodbye rather than a "see ya later."
Saying goodbye to my classmates was more emotional than I expected. I knew that I would cry, I just didn't expect to be sniffling and stuttering and seal-barking hardcore crying like I was!
For DBT graduation we each hold a seashell and share our thoughts and goodbyes to each graduate before they get to hold the shell and give their goodbyes to the class. I started crying while people gave me their goodbyes and when I started into mine the dam really broke. Before I even addressed the class I gave them all individual cards and handed the instructor my bin of "special prizes" for the weeks when they get double homework or when they get to play Jeopardy for module reviews. It was a good feeling.
I got so many great compliments. People spoke about how different I am now compared to when I first started. I don't slump and mumble anymore. My shoulders are back and I'm a beaming light and I take up the whole room with my laugh-it was so sweet. They talk about how supportive and friendly I am. How hard I've worked at the skills. How different class will be without me.
My therapists each called me a "community maker." That meant a lot to me. For so long I've battled loneliness and felt so isolated. Now I initiate conversations with acquaintances and strangers. I reach out and don't worry about reciprocation. I'm not paralyzed by fear anymore. I'm me. Take it or leave it.
My individual therapist also talked about how much has changed over the past year. How she was really worried about me being able to do DBT with my history of ECT. When I started DBT I was still doing ECT. She said that they'd never encountered anyone who had done ECT that could effectively learn DBT-until me. She called me an anomaly. Special. It was magical. I felt like a diamond. It meant so much to have someone point out just how much I've battled through. How I've beat the odds.
I'm a success story. I want to stay a success story. One day a time.
We have done so much trying to get me back to good since Baby Bananaface was born. Medications, therapies, inpatient, outpatient, ECT, TMS, DBT, exercise. The medications have been a part of my recovery, sure, though I really feel like the DBT and my gym routine are what saved me.
For my birthday I got to share my thanks with my gym instructors and last week I got to share my thanks with my DBT community. I'm so happy that I'm in a place where I can share like that as well as acknowledge how far I've come.
Whew. So many emotions! Anywho. That happened. :o)
Showing posts with label TMS. Show all posts
Showing posts with label TMS. Show all posts
Saturday, March 11, 2017
Friday, October 28, 2016
Don't Fear The Progress
I now have "Don't Fear The Reaper" stuck in my head. D'oh!
Anyways-the progress I'm referring to in the title is my TMS taper. Yesterday was my last appointment for an entire month (assuming things go well). I'm a little nervous about going without some sort of treatment (TMS or ECT) and having such an open schedule but I also recognize that I've made a lot of progress and that I'm probably stronger than I think. And even though I'm not doing TMS or ECT all the time anymore I'm still working with medications and DBT skills/therapy-so I'm not totally out in the cold by any means!
The taper from 5x/week to 3x/week to 2x/week to 1x/week went pretty well-better than I expected for sure. I definitely need to find things to pop into my schedule and keep myself busy but I have gym classes and I also know that I'll be signing up for an online course through the community college soon and I'm looking forward to that.
I'm nervous and a bit frightened but I can also see that I'm making progress and that taking yet another step in the right direction is a good thing. It's okay to be afraid sometimes and I'm still building up my confidence.
So that's the news. Still staying the course, still plugging along.
OH! I can't remember if I mentioned or not that I managed to bring up the issues I was having with my therapist and we were able to talk through some things. I now feel much more comfortable piping up about how I'm feeling and as of right now I think things are going to be all right. I still reserve the right to change therapists if I need to at some point in the future but as it is I think we were able to reach a better place. She was very helpful last week during our session when I was having a very down day and I was very grateful for that....
Anyways. I haven't been feeling 100% physically, little sore throat and coughing, so I'm going to brew some hot beverage and cuddle up for some TV time (another mini-challenge for myself trying to relax into watching some TV without my brain going haywire).
Happy Friday to everyone!
Anyways-the progress I'm referring to in the title is my TMS taper. Yesterday was my last appointment for an entire month (assuming things go well). I'm a little nervous about going without some sort of treatment (TMS or ECT) and having such an open schedule but I also recognize that I've made a lot of progress and that I'm probably stronger than I think. And even though I'm not doing TMS or ECT all the time anymore I'm still working with medications and DBT skills/therapy-so I'm not totally out in the cold by any means!
The taper from 5x/week to 3x/week to 2x/week to 1x/week went pretty well-better than I expected for sure. I definitely need to find things to pop into my schedule and keep myself busy but I have gym classes and I also know that I'll be signing up for an online course through the community college soon and I'm looking forward to that.
I'm nervous and a bit frightened but I can also see that I'm making progress and that taking yet another step in the right direction is a good thing. It's okay to be afraid sometimes and I'm still building up my confidence.
So that's the news. Still staying the course, still plugging along.
OH! I can't remember if I mentioned or not that I managed to bring up the issues I was having with my therapist and we were able to talk through some things. I now feel much more comfortable piping up about how I'm feeling and as of right now I think things are going to be all right. I still reserve the right to change therapists if I need to at some point in the future but as it is I think we were able to reach a better place. She was very helpful last week during our session when I was having a very down day and I was very grateful for that....
Anyways. I haven't been feeling 100% physically, little sore throat and coughing, so I'm going to brew some hot beverage and cuddle up for some TV time (another mini-challenge for myself trying to relax into watching some TV without my brain going haywire).
Happy Friday to everyone!
Tuesday, August 30, 2016
A Busy Day
Today I had appointments for TMS and meeting with my psychiatrist, the first of which was at 8:00 AM! Lemme tell you, driving into Seattle for an 8:00 AM appointment is something special, but I made it right on time and had a good treatment session.
I had some time to kill between appointments and enjoyed myself at a local mall even though I accidentally consumed a caffeinated coffee beverage (sometimes I just forget to mention the decaf part when I order!) and set myself up for some exaggerated anxiety in the afternoon. I was a little late to my psychiatrist appointment because I didn't leave soon enough to compensate for traffic but overall the appointment went well and I enjoyed seeing my doctor.
We've decided to give another new mood stabilizer a try although it all depends on my insurance giving approval. I'm a little nervous and afraid of experiencing the jittery symptoms again since this is another atypical and I've tended to have that reaction in the past but I'm willing to try and see and hope for the best.
I've been having challenging days but not terrible days and I'm grateful for the little perks and positive moments throughout. The anxiety has definitely been plaguing me but the DBT skills certainly help and I've been trying to keep busy and keep fighting back.
*sigh*
Feeling fearful anticipating the new medication and potential reactions and considering how I haven't been feeling super great and already wore down by anxiety but I'm also aware that I've been feeling a bit better and am holding on to at least a little bit of hope that I'll find a medication that helps me in some way... all I can do is keep slugging along taking things one day at a time! So many people tell me things will get better and I have a hard time believing it but I believe it enough to keep juggling all these treatments and therapies and coping skills and yadda yadda yadda! Ugh! I want to be confident in my wellbeing!
Also, I heard that Gene Wilder passed. I was sad to hear this but hope he's at peace. The remembrances on the radio have brought bittersweet tears to my eyes multiple times. He was a good soul in my book.
I had some time to kill between appointments and enjoyed myself at a local mall even though I accidentally consumed a caffeinated coffee beverage (sometimes I just forget to mention the decaf part when I order!) and set myself up for some exaggerated anxiety in the afternoon. I was a little late to my psychiatrist appointment because I didn't leave soon enough to compensate for traffic but overall the appointment went well and I enjoyed seeing my doctor.
We've decided to give another new mood stabilizer a try although it all depends on my insurance giving approval. I'm a little nervous and afraid of experiencing the jittery symptoms again since this is another atypical and I've tended to have that reaction in the past but I'm willing to try and see and hope for the best.
I've been having challenging days but not terrible days and I'm grateful for the little perks and positive moments throughout. The anxiety has definitely been plaguing me but the DBT skills certainly help and I've been trying to keep busy and keep fighting back.
*sigh*
Feeling fearful anticipating the new medication and potential reactions and considering how I haven't been feeling super great and already wore down by anxiety but I'm also aware that I've been feeling a bit better and am holding on to at least a little bit of hope that I'll find a medication that helps me in some way... all I can do is keep slugging along taking things one day at a time! So many people tell me things will get better and I have a hard time believing it but I believe it enough to keep juggling all these treatments and therapies and coping skills and yadda yadda yadda! Ugh! I want to be confident in my wellbeing!
Also, I heard that Gene Wilder passed. I was sad to hear this but hope he's at peace. The remembrances on the radio have brought bittersweet tears to my eyes multiple times. He was a good soul in my book.
Thursday, August 25, 2016
Diving In
My first TMS session went well and I felt a little boost afterward that was much appreciated! Unfortunately it wore off and I had some anxiety to cope with this afternoon but my visit with my friend went well and I had a good time.
I'm weary and want to feel better NOW but I feel some hope for the future and that feels pretty good in between the awful anxiety spells and attacks. I might still be working through some challenges with my mood but the important thing is that I'm still trying and at least part of me still believes that this is temporary and I'm going to make it back to a happier, healthier state. Just keep swimming ;o)
Sorry if I haven't been commenting around a lot lately, I'm trying to do a bit more and have been having a hard time keeping up with my blogging at the same time but I am still following and trying to keep up!
I'm weary and want to feel better NOW but I feel some hope for the future and that feels pretty good in between the awful anxiety spells and attacks. I might still be working through some challenges with my mood but the important thing is that I'm still trying and at least part of me still believes that this is temporary and I'm going to make it back to a happier, healthier state. Just keep swimming ;o)
Sorry if I haven't been commenting around a lot lately, I'm trying to do a bit more and have been having a hard time keeping up with my blogging at the same time but I am still following and trying to keep up!
Wednesday, August 24, 2016
Vacay Mega Post!!!
For our vacation we went up north to a little town called Birch Bay and stayed with my parents at a condo. We played a lot of card/dice/word games and also saw some of my relatives (my two remaining aunts from my dad's side and even a cousin of mine and my sister for a little bit the first day) as well as participating in a variety of day trips and other fun.
It was a good trip even though I battled through some anxiety at times. Some of the highlights included working out at the gym watching "I Love Lucy" and "The Golden Girls" from the treadmill, communicating with my mom about my anxiety and getting support from her, going to Canada and golfing as well as getting Baby Bananaface his first haircut, and playing in the pool with my family.
Here are some pics captured by my mom throughout the trip, there are a few repetitive ones and quite a variety but I felt like some were too good not to share!
I used a lot of my DBT skills throughout the vacation and I think it contributed to me enjoying the trip more. I also really appreciated being able to use the skills to reach out to my husband and my family for support as I struggled with some anxiety instead of keeping quiet and trying to hide my truth.
Speaking of DBT, I had class tonight that was the end of a module and involved the graduation of 3 ladies that I really appreciate having in class and am going to miss quite a bit... I decided to be brave and wrote them each a little note with my contact information so maybe I'll hear from them and we'll stay in touch. We shall see! I think this is an example of one of the ways DBT is helping me and I'm growing as a person and I'm really grateful for that :o)
In other news, I start TMS tomorrow and see one of my friends from college/childhood so gonna be a busy day! I'm scared but trying to believe in myself and stay calm and focused and just do my best.
Mega post out!
It was a good trip even though I battled through some anxiety at times. Some of the highlights included working out at the gym watching "I Love Lucy" and "The Golden Girls" from the treadmill, communicating with my mom about my anxiety and getting support from her, going to Canada and golfing as well as getting Baby Bananaface his first haircut, and playing in the pool with my family.
Here are some pics captured by my mom throughout the trip, there are a few repetitive ones and quite a variety but I felt like some were too good not to share!
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| All of us at my alma mater, Western Washington Uni. I got a new sweatshirt that I've been wanting for months- yay! |
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| The hubs and BB enjoying the pool |
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| Apparently Mom took a shot of me in the pool- I look so happy I'm even comfy sharing the pic even with me in a bathing suit! |
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| The hubster had some very angry energy with his very aggressive swings... I happened to find him a perfect keepsake afterward-an angry golfing Donald Duck ornament! |
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| Can't golf without a binkie! |
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| Action shot. He held onto that golf ball nearly the entire time! |
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| This reminds me of Godzilla for some reason :o) |
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| Baby Bananaface preparing for takeoff at his first haircut-he really enjoyed the "Dora the Explorer" on the TV! |
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| Me and my parents happily observing |
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| Not phased at all-totally chill the entire time! |
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| The "after" picture :o) |
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| The hubs and I playing around with Mom's "Snapchat" app thingy face-swap! |
I used a lot of my DBT skills throughout the vacation and I think it contributed to me enjoying the trip more. I also really appreciated being able to use the skills to reach out to my husband and my family for support as I struggled with some anxiety instead of keeping quiet and trying to hide my truth.
Speaking of DBT, I had class tonight that was the end of a module and involved the graduation of 3 ladies that I really appreciate having in class and am going to miss quite a bit... I decided to be brave and wrote them each a little note with my contact information so maybe I'll hear from them and we'll stay in touch. We shall see! I think this is an example of one of the ways DBT is helping me and I'm growing as a person and I'm really grateful for that :o)
In other news, I start TMS tomorrow and see one of my friends from college/childhood so gonna be a busy day! I'm scared but trying to believe in myself and stay calm and focused and just do my best.
Mega post out!
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