More Soap

We have enough soap. What I'm referring to with that title is handcrafted soaps as in these soap making videos! Being sequestered in a 2-bedroom apartment with the hubs and BB can get challenging. Not just because of the space and monstrous boredom, but the judgments.

Without gym to get to, errands to run, or classes to sub I'm having difficulties feeling okay about myself. I'm worried about putting 10 lbs back on or losing my strength again. Being bored and sitting around on yer ass for hours each day can be hard work mentally! I've been catching those judgments and trying to be open minded and caring toward myself as best as possible.

Part of me effectively coping is finding things to do "on the inside" and I just found a new tool for distracting (one of my DBT  skills) that has allowed me to focus entirely on the moment. These soap making videos are from a gal down in Texas with her own small business are gems. The soap making is entrancing AND the gal is so charming, genuine, and funny.

Anyways, it's helped me get through some days and I'm very grateful for the Buff City Soaps ad that made me think to search for soap making videos.

Maybe give a video a watch and see if  ya like it? There are so many different designs!

Reflecting & Looking Ahead

Last night I pulled out my DBT work and went to work. Last week I reached out to my late aunt's partner about meeting up for the first time in years and anxiety set in as I looked ahead to the reintroduction. I decided to utilize some DBT skills in order to cope ahead as well as address some unresolved issues regarding my aunt.

Thing was, it was pretty tough trying to work through things that I didn't remember... so the hubs recommended that I look at the blog. Of course, we found a treasure trove of resources just by searching one word. I was amazed. Reflecting brought back some memories and also reminded me that it's something of a blessing to forget some things.

I was also a little wistful. I used to write so much! And I had a community here. Not sure what happened as far as fading away but I'm considering fading back in. I started another blog (very recently) and now I'm conflicted about reviving this one. My sister made some comment about knowing about a blog and it scared me, but that was years ago now.

I don't know right now. That's okay.

But it feels good to let these fingers fly...

Be well. :o)

Never No Change

I wouldn't say things have been "shaky" lately, but they've definitely been "squishy." Not quite walking across a rockfield on the side of a steep hill. More like squelching through a muddy riverbank riddled with those rounded river stones. Those stones that seem slightly more friendly than the sharp-cornered mountain rocks that are less forgiving when you fall on your ass.

Not convinced that I'll be falling on my ass soon. I do know that the fear of losing all traction is sitting comfortably in my mind. Whenever physical injury, sickness, or exhaustion forces me to slow down my self-judgment seems to pick up. Even if lying on the couch with a heating pad crammed under my back is the best thing that I can be doing, my mind brings up the 5+ lbs I've accumulated the last few months or the classes that I've yet to peruse for my online degree and-of course-the dishes in the sink or laundry in the hamper.

The fear is familiar. I become agitated, teary, and anxious and can't quite place the source of my discomfort at first. It's the fear. So familiar that it sneaks back into the forefront of my mind with little fanfair.

I may not have caught on, unsure of the source of my anxiety and excess tears, but the fear knows what it's doing. He goes right to work plucking those loose seams from our recent encounters. Those frays so susceptible to those classic judgments he brings with him. I've heard it said that addicts need only one hit to be sucked back into their drug addicitions. I can see how that could be when those hurtful digs start streaming through my mind with renewed gusto. It's difficult not to fall back into the darkest darkness immediately, but I've grown and fought for distance and when I saw those thoughts encroaching-I SAW THEM.

It didn't just happen. I wasn't just taken. I was sitting in bed, getting ready to retire for the night with the hubs beside me. I shoke my head, tears welling in my eyes, a quick inhale, shaky exhale with a shuddering shrug.

"It's not completely unexpected. Is it?" I looked forward, to the corner of the room between our light grey curtains and the mirrored doors of the closet. "Everything, lately. Not just throwing out my back but friends at the gym leaving, coming back from the observation schedule to so much free time. I just haven't figured things out again quite yet."

"It's another transition." His fingers fluttered over my elbow, not quite able to reach my arm for a hand hug, just a whisper of support. "We know these changes get to you. Noticing it is a big deal. It's really important. It's going to get better..."

"Gotta get back on those skills though. I'm running wild with these judgments lately." A few tears escaped and my nose began to run. "Been having those, 'Why me?' thoughts a lot. I know it's pointless. I feel so pouty and off-base."

"It's temporary. We gotta get you back into those DBT tricks and it'll get better."

I nodded. Breathed deep and let myself brush the doubt aside. Even if it were just for now, it would do. I'd done enough thinking. I just wanted to cuddle up with my husband and feel the cool spaces between the duvet slowly warm around us.

Of course, it took some anti-anxiety medication to help me meet that goal, but it worked exactly like it should. A good night's sleep is usually won in my case!

Anyways. The doubts are still stalking me. I'm worried. Unsure. But going at it slowly and trying to think less about the scary signs and more about the tools I can use and the people that need me.

And if I fall on my ass... at least their the smoother rocks and we know exactly what to do if I do.

Back on the horse.

Today has been a better day and I'm not wasting much time when it comes to looking forward and making positive changes.

Recommitting to my health means a lot of work in many different realms. Mind, body, and soul-it's all connected and I need to reestablish a healthy balance. So here's some stuff I've recommitted to working on:

1.  Physical health.

I twisted my ankle over a month ago and haven't let it recuperate fully. I've also been experiencing progressive numbness and tingling in my arms, wrist pain, and difficulties grasping or pinching for several weeks now. 

My primary care provider suspected carpal tunnel and then a coach suggested that I look into thoracic outlet syndrome and wouldn't ya know it! Spot on. I saw an occupational therapist yesterday and boy howdy. Talk about some good hurt.

It's gonna take a while to heal up and I have to make long term changes, but I'm so glad to know what's going on and have a good direction to head in.

Healing injuries is one facet of my physical health. Focusing on my workout instead of letting my anxiety hijack my "treatment" time is another vital part of my physical health. Improving my diet, getting better sleep, and spending more time outside are other important items to work on. (Yes, these can be considered DBT skills)

Maintaining my physical health not only helps with mood stability, it also helps with self-esteem and resiliency. When I do have bad dips, being in better physical health means bouncing back quicker. 

BB gunning after more dates
(I think he's getting more deliberate playin' that "cute card!")

2. Mind.

I've fallen out of practice with my DBT skills. Being around my family has meant a lot of triggers and a lot of pressure toward bad habits. Moving away is the biggest, most helpful step toward regaining my mental stability. The move isn't going to happen instantaneously-though I can begin working on my DBT immediately. 

The top three things I'm going to work on first? Catching judgments, utilizing distraction and participation, and self-care. 

Catching judgments is a helpful way to veer away from black-and-white thinking. It's helped me tamp down my suicidal impulses and negative self-talk. Distraction and participation help with my anxiety as well as not getting carried away with depressive rumination. Self-care means a lot of things for different folks; for me it means mindfully pursuing healthier habits including: bathing, eating well, hydrating, doing my hair more often, putting on "real clothes" instead of PJs all day, and so on. 

DBT skills address body, mind, and soul-true-for me it falls mostly under "mind" because it takes a lot of mental work!

Hospital visit.

3. Soul.

Healing a broken heart means acknowledging the damage and while I've discussed this many times before, I am recommitting myself to creating healthy distance from my family. I found this article very helpful and am continuing to read and muster my defenses and conviction.

It's been so very difficult for me to cope with the intense feelings of (in my mind) letting my family go. I think doing some reading, writing some key points down, and actively pursuing progress will help me make some progress which should garner more stability and health and PEACE!

I also find DBT skills helpful in achieving peace and soothing my soul. 

Heh, when I was in DBT they talked about it as a lifestyle change and not a contained treament. Yep. I can vouch for that ;o)

It's a lot of work and that's okay.
"It's what I do."
(This is from "Alpha House" BTW)

So. I've written somethings out. I'm getting back on the horse. One good day at a time is great, but I'm working toward getting those weeks of remission at a time, and that means a coordinated attack. 

That said, it's all about baby steps. The dance I have to do to maintain health is complex and I've fallen out of practice. Now it's time to relearn it and get my groove back. One step at a time.

Departure

Today has been a break from routine as was yesterday. It's a bit stressful and at the same time a wonderful departure. I've been making the long(ish) drive north back to our "home" area for a few appointments. I've been able to reconnect with friends, cruise familiar places, and have some plain ole solo adventure time.

After having a nice long chat with a DBT friend I'm feeling more aware of the hazards regarding living with my family. Another friend I met with yesterday had expressed similar concerns without the DBT language and it raised flags just didn't settle in the same way. Today, my friend and I spoke in "technical terms" and the mechanics of it all sunk in a bit more.

Honestly, I haven't been living as mindfully as I want to lately. The stress of our living situation and trying to navigate the dynamics of my family--old norms and blossoming habits--it's been occupying a lot of space in my brain. The distraction can be good, it can also be a sort of trap. "Woohoo! Hannah, look over here!" *CLANG* "Oh shit, guess there was a bear trap there...." Hopefully that makes a modicum of sense haha

So, it raises the hair on the back of my neck talking honestly about my living situation and the transitional period we're in. It also gives me a sense of calm... a sort of zen moment that may allow me to refocus and engage in a more skillful approach to my challenges in the hopes of maintaining the progress that I've made and avoiding backslides.

I already feel that I'm sliding. My affect and turn of phrase morphing back into my (enter maiden name here) role. That constant joking, sarcasm, and teasing overtaking my conversations instead of genuine, purposeful, thoughtful words that I prefer and appreciate. I think that's part of what was so relieving having that Saturday night just me and hubster. No pressure, no walls, just being us and knowing that we're loved and accepted as-is.

I'm still working on developing my "life worth living" and asserting my personal values. One of those values is being genuine and forthcoming. No hiding. No pandering. Building the belief within myself that I'm worthwhile and have a right to be here and that I'm worth something-a lot of that practice comes from using my voice and speaking my truth. Being myself. Not living in a way that reinforces shame and fear. Not exactly accepted practice around my first family...

Still very intimidated by trying to maintain this practice in this environment-I think I'd go as far to say "unhealthy" environment. I don't want to over-dramatize; my DBT friend even said, "It's one thing to practice these skills and keep yourself on the right track when in your own safe bubble-it's quite another when you're thrust back into the middle of what made you need DBT in the first place!" Amen.

There's a taste of what's goin' on with me ;o)



In other news, I'm going to see my fabulous OBGYN for my pre-op appointment in just a little bit. I took care of a call from the surgery paper pushers regarding basic health questions (very nice gals, just felt a little "shouldn't you have all this from my files already?" guess it's better to be safe.)

I'm still excited to have the surgery performed although I'm getting a little worried about the recovery period. They say I'll need about a week of down time and then I can work back up to my regular activities. Having just started with CrossFit, I'm not sure how that will go... I'm pretty good at telling what I can do and what I can't. Maybe it's just one of those "wait and see," "you'll know when you get there" types of things? I just don't want to take too much time off when my exercise is such a cornerstone of my mood management.

My mother was minimizing the procedure. Felt a little... invalidating? Insulting? I don't know, "enter negative feeling here." Anyways. Maybe it won't be that bad. That'd be great. In the meantime, I will try to be prepared for a challenge. I tend to handle pain pretty well and heal relatively quickly *knockonwood*

Hoping everyone is doing well and that my northern hemisphere friends are enjoying this shift toward summer weather. I'm a little miffed with how hot it got so abruptly! I am enjoying the sunshine ;o) Hoping that I'll cope with the heat a little better being comfortable wearing tanks and shorts this year instead of t-shirts and capris. Just a little bit of fabric makes a big difference to me!


Happy Humpday <3

Happy/Sad Days

Last week I got to graduate from my DBT therapy. Wednesday the 1st was my last group night and Tuesday the 7th was my last individual meeting. I can still contact my therapist if I need help or need a random session. Still, it was a goodbye rather than a "see ya later."

Saying goodbye to my classmates was more emotional than I expected. I knew that I would cry, I just didn't expect to be sniffling and stuttering and seal-barking hardcore crying like I was!


For DBT graduation we each hold a seashell and share our thoughts and goodbyes to each graduate before they get to hold the shell and give their goodbyes to the class. I started crying while people gave me their goodbyes and when I started into mine the dam really broke. Before I even addressed the class I gave them all individual cards and handed the instructor my bin of "special prizes" for the weeks when they get double homework or when they get to play Jeopardy for module reviews. It was a good feeling.

I got so many great compliments. People spoke about how different I am now compared to when I first started. I don't slump and mumble anymore. My shoulders are back and I'm a beaming light and I take up the whole room with my laugh-it was so sweet. They talk about how supportive and friendly I am. How hard I've worked at the skills. How different class will be without me.

My therapists each called me a "community maker." That meant a lot to me. For so long I've battled loneliness and felt so isolated. Now I initiate conversations with acquaintances and strangers. I reach out and don't worry about reciprocation. I'm not paralyzed by fear anymore. I'm me. Take it or leave it.


My individual therapist also talked about how much has changed over the past year. How she was really worried about me being able to do DBT with my history of ECT. When I started DBT I was still doing ECT. She said that they'd never encountered anyone who had done ECT that could effectively learn DBT-until me. She called me an anomaly. Special. It was magical. I felt like a diamond. It meant so much to have someone point out just how much I've battled through. How I've beat the odds.

I'm a success story. I want to stay a success story. One day a time.


We have done so much trying to get me back to good since Baby Bananaface was born. Medications, therapies, inpatient, outpatient, ECT, TMS, DBT, exercise. The medications have been a part of my recovery, sure, though I really feel like the DBT and my gym routine are what saved me.

For my birthday I got to share my thanks with my gym instructors and last week I got to share my thanks with my DBT community. I'm so happy that I'm in a place where I can share like that as well as acknowledge how far I've come.


Whew. So many emotions! Anywho. That happened. :o)

Update/Words for Wednesday

This week I'm going to blend "Words for Wednesday" with a plain ole update. Never done this before, so we'll see how it goes!


This week the prompts were provided by Margaret Adamson and Sue Fulcher via Elephant's Child blog.

This week's prompts are:

Frantic
Lemon
Parasite
Spine
Pummel
Early

AND/OR

Staggering
Lies
Art
Naked
Preposterous
Windmill

I have been staggering a little of late. The past couple days have found me battling more sadness, tears, and fears than usual as hurtful thoughts and scary suicidal ideation plagues my mind. 

I am doing my best utilizing the skills from therapy and it helps a lot to simply label the hurtful lies as thoughts and dismissing them. Sometimes I use a visualization of a pleasant stream and casting my thoughts in the form of pretty white and pink blossoms to float away on the burbling flow of water.

We are still waiting for insurance paperwork to go through so I haven't started the new medication. There was a false alarm where I got texted that my prescription was ready and I assumed it was the Saphris but it turned out to be my thyroid. Well in the time it took me to get to the pharmacy I had worked myself up into a neat little anxiety fit. I wasn't able to use my skills and my fear of another bout of akathisia got the better of me. There is a chance of experiencing that side effect again but there is also a chance that this medication could work wonders for me (it seems that people love it or hate it) so I'm going to try it and hope for the best.

In other news, we visited my parents this Labor Day weekend and enjoyed playing games and getting a little break from childcare. I was, once again, more upfront about my mental state and it felt good to be honest and even better to get supportive responses from my family. On the downside, I barely slept the night that we stayed there and it was a little frightening having the hubster open the bedroom door on me when I was stark naked! In your home, it's one thing, but while a guest in someone else's home getting caught in the nude is much more troubling-at least to me!

*sigh* As I said, I've been having some challenging, dark thoughts. Unfortunately it seems to have infiltrated my dreams and I had some distressing, nearly-nightmarish dreams last night that upset my rest and spiked my anxiety this morning. It was not pleasant starting my day with such a dark outlook... there is such a strong belief in part of me that I just can't make it work, that I just can't survive. Evidence would suggest otherwise but it is still far too easy for me to believe those dark, preposterous thoughts. Old habits die hard and these bad thought patterns have been with me for a very long time.

That said, I am still fighting the good fight. It might feel like I'm tilting at windmills, but I'm trying to remind myself that I'm worth keeping around and that my pain is temporary and especially trying to focus on the positives instead of letting my mind get stuck on repeat, droning on and on with misery and hopelessness.

I hate to end on a darker note, so I will mention a silly little story from my morning today: I was walking back to the condo after giving Fio his morning break and I noticed a lot of raindrops falling from the maple out front and the leaves shaking-it was quite annoying, like the tree was specifically shaking it's rain off onto me as I passed! I looked up and saw a frantic squirrel racing along the upper branches with some bit of food in its mouth. I was still wet, but seeing the cute squirrel certainly gave the experience a more positive twist :o)

I'm sending out hope, love, and strength to all. My thoughts are with you even if I don't comment or keep up on my reading as I battle through this tough spot. Best of luck, be well <3

A Busy Day

Today I had appointments for TMS and meeting with my psychiatrist, the first of which was at 8:00 AM! Lemme tell you, driving into Seattle for an 8:00 AM appointment is something special, but I made it right on time and had a good treatment session.

I had some time to kill between appointments and enjoyed myself at a local mall even though I accidentally consumed a caffeinated coffee beverage (sometimes I just forget to mention the decaf part when I order!) and set myself up for some exaggerated anxiety in the afternoon. I was a little late to my psychiatrist appointment because I didn't leave soon enough to compensate for traffic but overall the appointment went well and I enjoyed seeing my doctor.

We've decided to give another new mood stabilizer a try although it all depends on my insurance giving approval. I'm a little nervous and afraid of experiencing the jittery symptoms again since this is another atypical and I've tended to have that reaction in the past but I'm willing to try and see and hope for the best.

I've been having challenging days but not terrible days and I'm grateful for the little perks and positive moments throughout. The anxiety has definitely been plaguing me but the DBT skills certainly help and I've been trying to keep busy and keep fighting back.

*sigh*

Feeling fearful anticipating the new medication and potential reactions and considering how I haven't been feeling super great and already wore down by anxiety but I'm also aware that I've been feeling a bit better and am holding on to at least a little bit of hope that I'll find a medication that helps me in some way... all I can do is keep slugging along taking things one day at a time! So many people tell me things will get better and I have a hard time believing it but I believe it enough to keep juggling all these treatments and therapies and coping skills and yadda yadda yadda! Ugh! I want to be confident in my wellbeing!



Also, I heard that Gene Wilder passed. I was sad to hear this but hope he's at peace. The remembrances on the radio have brought bittersweet tears to my eyes multiple times. He was a good soul in my book.

Vacay Mega Post!!!

For our vacation we went up north to a little town called Birch Bay and stayed with my parents at a condo. We played a lot of card/dice/word games and also saw some of my relatives (my two remaining aunts from my dad's side and even a cousin of mine and my sister for a little bit the first day) as well as participating in a variety of day trips and other fun.

It was a good trip even though I battled through some anxiety at times. Some of the highlights included working out at the gym watching "I Love Lucy" and "The Golden Girls" from the treadmill, communicating with my mom about my anxiety and getting support from her, going to Canada and golfing as well as getting Baby Bananaface his first haircut, and playing in the pool with my family.

Here are some pics captured by my mom throughout the trip, there are a few repetitive ones and quite a variety but I felt like some were too good not to share!

All of us at my alma mater, Western Washington Uni.
I got a new sweatshirt that I've been wanting for months-
yay!

The hubs and BB enjoying the pool

Apparently Mom took a shot of me in the pool-
I look so happy I'm even comfy sharing
the pic even with me in a bathing suit!

The hubster had some very angry energy
with his very aggressive swings...
I happened to find him a perfect keepsake
afterward-an angry golfing Donald Duck ornament!

Can't golf without a binkie!

Action shot. He held onto that golf ball
nearly the entire time!

This reminds me of Godzilla for some reason :o)

Baby Bananaface preparing for takeoff
at his first haircut-he really enjoyed the
"Dora the Explorer" on the TV!

Me and my parents happily observing

Not phased at all-totally chill the entire time!

The "after" picture :o)

The hubs and I playing around
with Mom's "Snapchat" app thingy face-swap!

I used a lot of my DBT skills throughout the vacation and I think it contributed to me enjoying the trip more. I also really appreciated being able to use the skills to reach out to my husband and my family for support as I struggled with some anxiety instead of keeping quiet and trying to hide my truth.


Speaking of DBT, I had class tonight that was the end of a module and involved the graduation of 3 ladies that I really appreciate having in class and am going to miss quite a bit... I decided to be brave and wrote them each a little note with my contact information so maybe I'll hear from them and we'll stay in touch. We shall see! I think this is an example of one of the ways DBT is helping me and I'm growing as a person and I'm really grateful for that :o)

In other news, I start TMS tomorrow and see one of my friends from college/childhood so gonna be a busy day! I'm scared but trying to believe in myself and stay calm and focused and just do my best.


Mega post out!

It Ain't Easy

Been chugging along lately doing my best and accepting that things aren't always easy or pretty. Sometimes I just have to do what I have to do to get by and that meant an ECT appointment on Thursday and means another this Wednesday as well (potentially Friday too if I'm still feeling shaky). That's more ECT than we were planning on but if it helps us avoid a major spiral, boy-howdy, we gonna do it!

We have also switched up things on the medication front by discontinuing an anti-anxiety pill (it was primarily a blood pressure medication and while I didn't get any anti-anxiety benefits I was getting a lot of dizzy spells during my exercise classes that I didn't appreciate!) and starting another mood stabilizer. I've had such little luck with these meds that my hopes aren't up very high but I do hold out some hope that I'll see some type of benefit. At least I haven't seen any hives this time (yet!).

I've been staying active with my gym classes and walk/jogging at the park down the street and I've definitely seen my mood improve and my stress decrease with the increase in activity level. I've also been reaching out to friends and trying to be more social, which can be stressful for me but also benefits me in many ways. I've even begun a new volunteer gig with the blood bank! I have to take it slow and be aware of my stress levels and anxiety but the increased activity tends to keep me outta the darker spaces in my mind and I think is the right way to go for me :o)

In other news, my uncle isn't doing so hot. Like, he could go any minute type of thing. Apparently he has three types of cancer and some other health issues that make treatment impossible and it's complicated and not pretty.

This is my mom's brother and I think I mentioned on here that her sister, my favorite and bestest aunt, died this past January while I was hospitalized the 2nd time-so having her brother pass in the same year... I mean, come on. She's having a tough time. I don't know what more to say about it other than I'm hoping that he is comfortable and that his son gets to see him before he passes, he hasn't been doing so great for years so it's not shocking or that unexpected, but definitely still sad and a shift for our family.

Oh, speaking of, my sister had her gallbladder out. That was unexpected but not necessarily shocking because she's had wonky health issues and if anyone was gonna have their gallbladder out at 23 it would be my sister...

Anyways. My thoughts have been doing some racing and I've had some dark moments but thankfully my DBT skills have been helping a lot. Sort of odd, there was a local shooting and one of the victims was a babysitter that the hubs and I used during my first hospitalization... hearing that on the news definitely stirred up some feelings! So scary having something like that hit so close to home. Ugh.

This post is all over the place but so be it. Life is happening and it ain't neat and pretty or easy, it just is!

Sorry if I haven't been keeping up with your posts lately. I haven't been on the computer much at all but I've been thinking about it and wondering about everyone! Thanks for reading :o)

"Think Less, Do More"

"Think less, do more" is the mantra recommended to me by my therapist to try and combat my reoccurring suicidal thoughts and just plain mean internal monologues of late that aren't any help to anyone.

It's certainly been helpful to me staying active and busy, my gym classes and more chores and walks and reading have been helping me cope and I achieved quite a few decent days for a good stretch there a week or so ago... but these past few days have been challenging and while they haven't been completely and totally awful they have had more than their fair share of negativity. Some days I haven't been able to cope very well at all and have felt hopeless and miserable but I also know that there have been many times that I am able to use my skills and keep myself from bottoming out completely and I'm proud of that.

So far, today has been better than the last few days but I'm still feeling unstable and fearful of dark thoughts. I thought of the mantra and dragged myself out of bed, adhering the to traditional morning practices of getting dressed for the gym and putting brekkie together and making the hubster's coffee. We began a game of Upwords and I took the dog out for his morning constitutional before kissing the boys goodbye and heading to the gym.

I didn't cry in class today (that happened in yoga class yesterday, I can't claim that I was totally stable to begin with but it was this song that really tipped me over the edge-I was wishing so hard that I could easily, simply change and be better for the hubster and BB as I listened). I got a good workout but wasn't quite ready to face the empty condo and lunch so I walked/jogged at the park until I felt spent. Big news, I made my own lunch today! That's a big deal! Lately I haven't had much appetite and have been inclined to skip eating so just to make sure I eat I end up getting some sort of fast food to just say I've eaten. Today I made a sandwich!

Anyways. Life has been tough lately. I have been emotional and frustrated, spitting angry at times (I seem to be struggling to accept that this is my life and that struggling against the darkness is likely always going to be a part of my life) and then alternately overwhelmingly grateful for the hubster and so loving toward him that it eases my pain for a while... it's been a roller coaster.

Thankfully the hubby recognizes that I'm in a dip and experiencing a challenging time and has been supportive. When my weekend didn't improve and Monday was still rough we decided to call into ECT and get another appointment, so I've got that coming up Thursday. I'm hoping that I'll feel better by then but we decided it would be best to have an appointment made and not need it than try to white-knuckle it.

I'm trying to do my best and stick with the DBT skills and soldier through the rough patch but it's definitely brought up a lot of my fears and confusion about my variety of treatments and what is working and what isn't and if I'm getting better; the wise-minded part of me believes that I'm making progress but the darkness can easily convince me that I'm not getting better and that I won't get better and that nothing works for me. I think I summed it all up as, "I'm trying to get better and I'm doing whatever I can to get better and that's better than giving in and just killing myself so just keep trying."

Well. I love typing and I could type all day but I feel like the loudmouth at a party that's run her mouth for too long! So I'll wish everyone well and hope that y'all are having good days :o)

Off to keep at keeping my head above water!

<3

I can't decide...

I have noticed a lack of pictures on my phone as far as Baby Bananaface is concerned and so tonight I took the opportunity to snap some photos while he was looking particularly relaxed and cute. Unfortunately, I cannot decide which photo I like best... Perhaps y'all can help me decide? They are each just a little different but all have smiles and Bubba chillaxing in his diaper with his afternoon milk and binky :o)

Vote for your favorite in the comments!

#1

#2

#3

I also cannot decide exactly what I'm so anxious about this afternoon/evening, but unfortunately I am anxious. I think it has something to do with the plans I have with my mom and sister tomorrow to go to a festival that we used to go to with my Aunt Sally. Having a pending activity/plans that violate my routine gets me anxious and I think the memories stirred up around Aunt Sally and my continued grieving is also mixed up into the mess of emotions.

I've been able to cope pretty well without meds so far, a little bit of an angry outburst and some discomfort but overall I've been using my DBT skills and taking care of myself pretty well, but boy howdy, these geysers of emotion erupt from time to time and give me little frights! It's usually a geyser of fear or anxiety but sometimes it's just extreme sadness or sensitivity and the sensation stops me in my steps, takes my breath away, and gives me a healthy dose of fear and doubt about whether or not I can handle the emotion or potential panic attack. Thankfully telling myself that these are feelings or thoughts and that they will pass has helped and I haven't succumbed to any panic attacks or losing myself in grief or other intense emotions today, but it's uncomfortable and draining.

Anyways. That's part of what's going on with me while I cope with these symptoms tonight. Been having a lot of days and nights like this lately and thought I'd give you a little glimpse!

In other news, we had a cloudy, rainy day here in the Pacific Northwest and it was lovely. I got to sip some coffee, watch the clouds, and read out on the porch and even enjoyed walking through some rain showers. A lot of people have been excited about the hot weather we've had this spring and early summer so far but I have savored this cooler bout much more than any of those record breaking heat wave days.



Hoping all you blogging buddies are well and sending affection and happiness. Thanks for reading and commenting. I really appreciate this internet community and refuge, especially on these challenging days :o)

Appointments-Check. Anxiety-Check.

Had ECT Wednesday and a visit with my psychiatrist Thursday so the hubs and I were busy zooming back and forth to Seattle this past week.

ECT went well, I actually felt a mood lift after this time (instead of feeling down like last time) and my mother and I had a good visit. She even stayed for dinner and to see Baby Bananaface despite facing traffic on her way home for it!

The psychiatrist appointment went pretty well but I'm definitely frustrated with the medication situation. We've determined that my anti-anxiety pills aren't really helping so we're weaning off this one and going to try something new. Apparently the new pills are something used for PTSD but it might help me with my nearly all-day anxiety. We're holding off on trying another mood stabilizer for now but I've been having some angry outbursts that the hubster thinks may be symptoms so we might be trying another new pill soon.

I still use Ativan as needed but I've been able to get back to only needing it every few days-there was a week there where I was nearly everyday and that was disappointing for me... I don't like to use the benzos very frequently and I don't like to feel dependent. Thankfully DBT has given me some good skills for coping through some pretty tough anxiety but still sometimes I get wore out and just need some help.

Anyways. Anxiety has sucked lately. Other day I had 5 panic attacks! They're pretty short but still unpleasant and discouraging and 5 in one day certainly made me feel fragile. I even had one during a hike yesterday, I couldn't believe it! It's been really frustrating but I'm doing pretty well considering all the anxiety I deal with-the gym really helps too, even when I can't completely relax and lose myself in a workout I still get a mood lift and some comfort from the exercise.

In other news, I completed a craft project that the hubby got me off Amazon a few weeks back!

I've decided to give it to my childhood neighbors/family friends. They feed the hummingbirds too and have been supportive and comforting to me for many years, a little surprise prize is well deserved!

I really appreciated having the cross stitch project for distraction purposes. For whatever reason coloring just doesn't do it for me, but stitching helps me reach a happy place. I shall have to continue crafting. And puzzles.... puzzles are good.

In other news, the hubster and I got a new game-Upwords. We really like it but it can be challenging! Much more compact than Scrabble so it works out nicely as a game we leave on the dining table to play whenever we feel like it (we also keep Yahtzee! out and keep cards handy).

Sigh. I guess I can't not mention it... I had a mood dip this afternoon and things got dark. The hubs made an offhand comment that triggered my insecurities and I ended up feeling really low and even had some self-harming urges. Well, I have those thoughts pretty regularly but these were more urges-basically things got darker than they have in quite a while and it was pretty upsetting. We were able to recover and get the afternoon back on track but it was sad to see myself like that after doing so well for so long. Have to remember to be gentle with myself and not to judge. Bumps in the road happen but I can keep moving onwards and upwards in a positive direction, no need for a major negative detour!

So, there's the news from Bananafaceland. I've been struggling to keep up on my blogging lately but I'm trying to recommit myself-especially want to write for "Words for Wednesday" this week! It's been too long!

Hope everyone celebrating the 4th has a safe and enjoyable holiday. We're going to my parents for various activities and it's causing me additional anxiety but I'm also excited and think/hope that I'll have fun.

Warm thoughts and gratitude :o)



BONUS PICTURE:

Ask Me Anything!

On this Friday the 13th I wanted to do something extra fun. I was inspired by a blogging friend who did an "Ask Me Anything" post little bit back. Following her lead I will take questions and then begin answering them next month, a few questions in each post.

No clue how many questions I'll receive, but it only takes one for me to consider this a success (I'm working on my 51%er moves). It could be one post that answers all questions or it could take months for me to get through them, we'll just have to wait and see. 

If you're wondering, yes, you can submit more than question, no limits, no problemos. Also, I retain the right to not answer any questions I don't jive with, but I'm a pretty open book so don't be shy-all topics are welcome! I can't think of any other rules or regulations so....

I now declare it open season for all questions! Even totally random questions are welcome! 

Comment below or send me a private message (on the right side of the blog toward the bottom I have "Carrier Pigeons for Hire" where you can message me) or email me direct at hkleimback at gmail dot com. 

Thank you for participating and for reading, I greatly appreciate it! 

Changing It Up

The past week has been a rough one. I've been writing down when I have certain symptoms (jitters, anxiety, panic) to prove to myself that I'm experiencing certain side effects and my little sticky note chart came in handy at my psychiatrist appointment Tuesday.

It's pretty obvious from my notes and the hubster's and my testimonies that I've been having akathisia and increased anxiety, likely due to the increase in my mood stabilizing medication, Latuda. We've also been concerned about my use of benzodiazepines for anti-anxiety as they have been known to increase impulsivity/reduce inhibition and with my suicide attempt April 11th, the hubster has been paying close attention to my anti-anxiety use and helping me make sure that I'm not too distraught when I take them so I'm less likely to hurt myself or act on those bad thoughts. It's been tough but I learned some different tricks to help calm me down in DBT class that are coming in handy...

Anyways. The "Changing It Up" part of things is a new, lower dose of the Latuda and a different anti-anxiety medication called gabapentin. The gabapentin comes in a big bottle and I take it up to three times a day which makes me feel a little ridiculous but I try to remember to be kind to myself and not judge, to remember that it doesn't matter how many pills I have to take, it's about getting myself to feel better. We should know by the end of the week if these new doses/pills are going to help me.

The physical symptoms have been rough but the mental reaction has been challenging as well. I haven't been reacting as poorly as I could (no self injury or major suicidal ideation), I have been somewhat gentle with myself but I am quite resistant, down on myself, and upset at the jittery and anxious feelings and the negativity just makes me more miserable. Doing the surveys before my psychiatrist appointment made me realize just how depressed the increased anxiety and akathisia has made me-I knew that my anxiety survey would be high but my depression survey surprised me!

Thankfully my psychiatrist was supportive and my therapist was quite helpful at my appointment Monday as well; reminding me about changing my reactions and making my thoughts more positive and helpful. It's difficult, and I have a long way to go to making my brain automatically chill itself out, but I feel like I am aimed in a better direction now and that helps. Between the DBT skills and the new pills I feel like I'm doing something to try and improve the situation and that is a vast improvement on feeling miserable and helpless.

So. I'm trying to be gentle with myself, stay positive in the face of some frustrating symptoms and patient while I wait for the medication changes to set in. I'm also trying to cut back on my self-pity and dwelling on the frustration and move toward being more proactive, active, and tricky when it comes to utilizing DBT skills and coping that way instead of letting things get the better of me and feeling like I am powerless.

I haven't been as social or active lately on the blog scene, but I did get to read and comment a bit today which felt good... hope to get back into my old blog groove now that the A-to-Z is over but it's another transition of sorts.

Hope everyone is having some better days while I'm juggling these nasty ones! I've been able to do some laundry, some Sudoku, and even cleaned the bathroom floor so it's not all bad! :o)

One day-one hour-one minute at a time... nice deep breaths and I'll make it through! I can do this!

The 51%ers vs. The 75%ers

Yes, this is a rather odd title for a post but once I lay it out for ya I think you will agree that it's actually quite awesome... and ya know what, some of you might even relate or find it a useful way to look at things. ANYWAY, I'll try to focus and get to the point.

Here's the dealio. A few weeks back I was in therapy and told a story to my therapist about the hubster. He and I were driving to therapy-that day actually-having a discussion about his chronic headaches and how he suffers painful headaches and "feels like shit about 50% of the time." I said, "50%!? That's an F, ya know. Seems unacceptable to me." He replied, with a bit of sass, "Well, 51% of the time I feel fine. That's good enough for me."

My therapist enjoyed the story and asked me where I would need be, percentage-wise, to be happy. I said 75% or higher, I usually aim for 98% and higher, but 75% is a C-grade and average so that would be "acceptable" to me. She nodded and said that she related to me and then asked what I thought the 51%ers were missing out on having a lower standard for happiness.

I couldn't quite think of anything at first. I thought it might be a trick question, but I answered, "Maybe stress and more work and time spent on "getting it right?" She smirked and smiled and nodded and I started to get it. If I lower my standards I can be happier more often, I can spend more time enjoying life instead of worrying and stressing over details and putting more time and energy into things that are good enough as is!

My therapist also painted a good picture of how a 75%er's brain works by telling me to imagine two old school thermometers with a scale from 0-100. One scale is for negative events and 75%ers are sensitive to every negative event whether it reads at a 1 or 100 level intensity but on the other scale, the happy scale, we can only register a happy event if it measures 75 or higher, the less intense happy moments are lost to us and we miss out on all those extra happy moments. The 51%ers are raking in more happiness because they have a lower standard and accept more happy events in their lives.

I love this imagery and it has been very helpful so far as I "try to think more like a 'normal' person." :op

Anyway. The hubster and I are working on getting me down to say, 61% or lower instead of the 75% and higher. Don't know if I can get lower than that, but we shall see! Every once in a while he calls me out when I'm getting upset by asking, "What would a 51%er say?" and it is so helpful in not only calming me down but helping me reroute the conditioned circuits in my brain that only see negativity.

So the next time you start getting stressed out or find yourself upset, ask yourself what a 51%er would say and maybe you'll find yourself letting go of some extra stress and worry that you just don't need in your life :o)

O is for Obduracy #atozchallenge

This post is part of my first year doing the A to Z Challenge and I happen to be writing under the theme Gratitude: The Things That Keep Me Alive. This is a relevant theme for me as I am struggling with postpartum depression, and also have diagnosed anxiety and bipolar II (just to let you know what's going on with me-it might be pertinent as you read the post below). Thank you for stopping by and reading my post!

O is for obduracy and not obligations because I wanted to stay positive and my first choice of "obligations" wasn't headed in positive directions. For whatever reason I had a difficult time thinking up an 'O' and had to look at a Scrabble word finder list for inspiration. Obdurate stuck me like Cupid's arrow. Inspiration from this word, and for the favor I give it back fawning affection from my nerdy little brain. 

Yes. I am in English major---and I approve of this word.  <3   ;o)

I had to double check the definition but my original guess was pretty close: refusing to do what other people want or not willing to change your opinion or the way that you do something.

That may not sound very positive and upbeat but it can actually be a powerful thing to be obdurate. My husband is obdurately optimistic and my obdurate nature toward authenticity is essential to my recovery and a huge part of why I'm still around. Without insisting on being genuine and pursuing a life where I can be myself and always believing that it's possible to find people to share my life with that actually approve and care for me as I am and don't expect me to be something that I'm not... that's vital! 

There are times when obduracy can be scary... I don't begrudge folks their religions or political views but when it gets in the way of being a decent human being I get a bit pissed off. That, to me, is a perfect example of some bad obduracy. But when I think of obdurate religious or political folks that are kind and helpful and selfless and happy, that warms my heart. See how thin the line can be with this!? It's boggling. 

So I hope that I can remain to use obdurate behavior in a positive way and battle my brain's well worn negative circuits that veer to the terrible side of obduracy. Thankfully doing DBT is helping me identify those negative circuits, flush them out, and reroute them. We all have our stubborn bad habits, but when those bad habits start to kill ya they need to be confronted, methinks!

How is being obdurate a positive in your life? a negative? Are you trying to change any of your obdurate ways?