More later, but just dropping a few pics to let everyone know that the vacay went well :o)
Ephesus, Venice, and a couple shots of Istanbul included.
Showing posts with label blessings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blessings. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 25, 2025
Monday, March 31, 2025
Cruise 2025 Comin' Up
Hubs, BB, and I are going on a big ole cruise in a bit. If anyone has any tips or "must sees" shoot me a comment! I've included the itinerary below.
I'm nervous. I haven't been abroad since 2009 (I don't count Canada and Mexico for whatever reason), but excited as well. We have liked our cruises so far and while we haven't been with this cruise line before, we are hoping to have another good experience.
BB told us he wanted to go to Ancient Greece a while ago and we told him that we couldn't go right away, that it would take planning and saving. He was distraught. Draped himself over the Costco cart and refused to walk and moaned throughout the rest of the shopping trip. Even samples weren't enough to break the funk. Well, the hubs took his request to heart and made a Greece trip happen and then some!
We are a little concerned about how we'll be received in Europe as Americans in the Trump era, but excited nonetheless. I have never been to Europe, but am happy to be going with Hubs and BB. It's going to be quite an adventure.
My mom is coming down to catsit for us and then BB will fly up to WA state with grandma for some summertime fun. It's going to be quite a summer for him... sometimes I wonder if he'll ever know how privileged and blessed he is. I never could imagine these types of adventures when I was his age and he doesn't even seem phased! My main concern is I don't want him to be entitled. I don't need a big thank you card or anything, I'm just wanting to make sure he understands that this is special.
The spots we're stopping at:
Piraeus, Greece (Athens)
Istanbul, Turkey
Kusadasi, Turkey (Ephesus)
Mykonos, Greece
Souda, Greece (Chania)
Katakolon, Greece (Olympia)
Sarande, Albania
Dubrovnik, Croatia
Trieste, Italy (Venice)
Well, I guess it's time for supper makin'. And more coughing and blowing my nose. Hopefully those don't get mixed up.
:o)
Saturday, November 23, 2024
Really Almost Thanksgiving
My folks decided to come down early and surprise me with an extra weekend of visiting time! The hubs and BB kept the secret and I was very happy. I was concerned about getting in all the activities we want to get done with only one weekend to accomplish the list. Now we have more time.
We love hosting Thanksgiving and I've been really grateful to have my folks come down the last few years and one of my sister-in-laws is going to be coming down too (same as last year). My parents really like her and how she ribs Hubster a bit-so they're excited too.
We got family photos done for Christmas cards today and I think they turned out pretty well for a rapid fire shoot. BB had some ideas of his own for poses. HA! Shocker! Not.
This Christmas I won't be able to travel and I'll be home alone for a bit while the boy go up to Washington state. I think it'll be fine though. Just gotta remember to feed the cats and I'll be busy with a rowing challenge at the gym. Will be quiet though!
Hope everyone that celebrates Thanksgiving this Thursday has a wonderful holiday and if you don't-just have a wonderful day.
Thursday, November 30, 2017
Bittersweet Romance
I found myself crying on the toilet last night.
After Baby Bananaface had gone to bed the hubster and I found ourselves talking about our past. Our courtship. Our memories. Maybe, more accurately, his memories. I couldn't remember the vast majority of events, moments, excursions, and sweet nothings that he described.
My memory loss usually only comes up in passing. Often, I will feel bad about not remembering such cherished stories. Sometimes, he will feel frustrated and sad as well. Rarely, he lets it show and last night was one of those nights.
Our chat continued into the bedroom and into the darkness. At one point bringing us to the topic of love notes. Apparently I wrote many in our early days and the hubby keeps most of them in a little box. He brought out he box and we sifted through them all.
It was a bittersweet exercise. Seeing all those notes and doodles and revisiting that era of new love. Reading about our adventures as well as the struggles. The hubster describing the sparse furniture featured in our first apartment. My apologies for symptoms of yet-diagnosed disorders.
I could count on one hand the things I actually remembered. After we had read them all he asked, "Did that jog any memories?" I shook my head and shrugged, "Not really. No." My eyes teared up and his brow furrowed. He tried to comfort me and tell me that some of the memories could still back. Grief was in his eyes and lumped in my throat.
Rolling over in the bed, I excused myself and trudged to the bathroom. Tears gathered on my cheeks before I cleared the hallway. By the time I finished peeing I was smothering sudden short-lived sobs.
It was a brief, deep grieving. In that moment I wasn't just acknowledging the loss, I was recognizing the countless moments over the past couple years that the hubs had accommodated my memory loss, supplied information, or concealed his own frustrations and sadness. We try not to spend too much time thinking on it and that seems to work alright-most of the time.
Most of the time.
We're okay with that.
Even if we don't have the memories to share, we still have the love.
After Baby Bananaface had gone to bed the hubster and I found ourselves talking about our past. Our courtship. Our memories. Maybe, more accurately, his memories. I couldn't remember the vast majority of events, moments, excursions, and sweet nothings that he described.
My memory loss usually only comes up in passing. Often, I will feel bad about not remembering such cherished stories. Sometimes, he will feel frustrated and sad as well. Rarely, he lets it show and last night was one of those nights.
Our chat continued into the bedroom and into the darkness. At one point bringing us to the topic of love notes. Apparently I wrote many in our early days and the hubby keeps most of them in a little box. He brought out he box and we sifted through them all.
It was a bittersweet exercise. Seeing all those notes and doodles and revisiting that era of new love. Reading about our adventures as well as the struggles. The hubster describing the sparse furniture featured in our first apartment. My apologies for symptoms of yet-diagnosed disorders.
I could count on one hand the things I actually remembered. After we had read them all he asked, "Did that jog any memories?" I shook my head and shrugged, "Not really. No." My eyes teared up and his brow furrowed. He tried to comfort me and tell me that some of the memories could still back. Grief was in his eyes and lumped in my throat.
Rolling over in the bed, I excused myself and trudged to the bathroom. Tears gathered on my cheeks before I cleared the hallway. By the time I finished peeing I was smothering sudden short-lived sobs.
It was a brief, deep grieving. In that moment I wasn't just acknowledging the loss, I was recognizing the countless moments over the past couple years that the hubs had accommodated my memory loss, supplied information, or concealed his own frustrations and sadness. We try not to spend too much time thinking on it and that seems to work alright-most of the time.
Most of the time.
We're okay with that.
Even if we don't have the memories to share, we still have the love.
Monday, June 19, 2017
About a year ago now...
This time last year I started to go to the gym and began working up to my new gym regimen and lifestyle change.
I took a little gander at some of the posts from back then and it made me appreciate how far I've come since then. The changes are more than just muscles and weight, there are so many emotional and mental changes too!
Here's some pics:
I had come a long way from my darkest days last spring and at the same time I was still in a rough place. It was, after all, around that time I had my attempt. I think this past year has been when I've really reached a healthier, safer place---a place where I can say "remission" and truly believe I've reached a good point in recovery regarding my postpartum depression.
It's still a daily battle maintaining good health and emotional stability. I feel much more capable and skilled when it comes to wellness than I did then!
Thank you all for your continued support! Looking back helps me appreciate even more all the people that have been by my side during these tough times as well as my own hard work. Generally it ain't good for me to dwell in the past... sometimes it's good to make a little visit though ;o)
Baby steps. One day at a time. Onward and upward!
I took a little gander at some of the posts from back then and it made me appreciate how far I've come since then. The changes are more than just muscles and weight, there are so many emotional and mental changes too!
Here's some pics:
I had come a long way from my darkest days last spring and at the same time I was still in a rough place. It was, after all, around that time I had my attempt. I think this past year has been when I've really reached a healthier, safer place---a place where I can say "remission" and truly believe I've reached a good point in recovery regarding my postpartum depression.
It's still a daily battle maintaining good health and emotional stability. I feel much more capable and skilled when it comes to wellness than I did then!
Thank you all for your continued support! Looking back helps me appreciate even more all the people that have been by my side during these tough times as well as my own hard work. Generally it ain't good for me to dwell in the past... sometimes it's good to make a little visit though ;o)
Baby steps. One day at a time. Onward and upward!
Sunday, March 26, 2017
WOWZA
First, some Baby Bananaface updates:
And for the WOWZA-Y moment of my yesterday. More discoveries from my closet...
I knew that I had been 250 lbs during pregnancy and I just wasn't sure if I had been before that. I was pretty sure. Whenever I asked the hubby he was evasive and wouldn't confirm anything.
Well, while I was cleaning out my closet I found stashes of old clothes. My maternity was altogether and then there was a different box. This box gave me my WOWZA moment of the afternoon.
Also shocking was a bikini and teeny cover up that I found... apparently when I was lighter and just out of college (during my trip to Iceland) I decided I wanted to "feel European" and dare to wear a bikini to the hot springs. I'm not sure if I was more shocked by this discovery or the pants! Lots of disbelief both ways.
I know that I've lost a ton of weight in the last year or so-about 45 lbs. I didn't really count my pregnancy weight as my top weight before-though now that I know I was 250 lbs or more before that it makes me think of my total weight loss more like 75 lbs. That wasn't all in one go, so I wouldn't say that in conversation. Just for myself it feels good. Reminds me of what I can do. Not to mention surviving that depression... ANYWHO.
So. That is a bit of what I've been up to lately. Lots of jaw-dropping and loads of stuff to haul off to Goodwill.
We've been especially motivated to cut down since we decided to move in June when our lease is up. Going south toward cheaper rents. It means a major commute for the hubbo. We're thinking it's just about the only way to get things back on track since my PPD hurricane and all that financial fallout.
More on that later! In the meantime, happy spring and happy weekend :o)
 |
| Family resemblance, or what? Was sorting through some old photos in my closet and found this shot from my baby years... |
 |
| He really wanted to go outside. So he "got dressed." |
I knew that I had been 250 lbs during pregnancy and I just wasn't sure if I had been before that. I was pretty sure. Whenever I asked the hubby he was evasive and wouldn't confirm anything.
Well, while I was cleaning out my closet I found stashes of old clothes. My maternity was altogether and then there was a different box. This box gave me my WOWZA moment of the afternoon.
 |
| I was shocked. I've lost so much weight! |
Once I found these pants the hubbo couldn't deny it anymore.
He said during a particularly bad depressive episode I
topped out at 250 lbs. We still hiked and such and I found
a slew of 20/22 sized pants and XL shirts that I had forgotten.
 |
| I could actually fit both my legs down one leg of the pants! It was so... shocking! I just didn't remember! Such a weird feeling. |
I know that I've lost a ton of weight in the last year or so-about 45 lbs. I didn't really count my pregnancy weight as my top weight before-though now that I know I was 250 lbs or more before that it makes me think of my total weight loss more like 75 lbs. That wasn't all in one go, so I wouldn't say that in conversation. Just for myself it feels good. Reminds me of what I can do. Not to mention surviving that depression... ANYWHO.
So. That is a bit of what I've been up to lately. Lots of jaw-dropping and loads of stuff to haul off to Goodwill.
We've been especially motivated to cut down since we decided to move in June when our lease is up. Going south toward cheaper rents. It means a major commute for the hubbo. We're thinking it's just about the only way to get things back on track since my PPD hurricane and all that financial fallout.
More on that later! In the meantime, happy spring and happy weekend :o)
Sunday, March 5, 2017
Checking In
I'm feeling much better and totally recovered from my jungle fever. That night was awful and the next day I couldn't walk much without getting faint until that afternoon. Even into the evening I couldn't stand around for very long without having to sit down. I decided to skip my gym classes again the following day to give myself enough time to really bounce back. I was back at it on Thursday though!
There was an interesting moment with my mom (it was Friday I think). When we had visited for Baby Bananaface's birthday she had seemed agitated during our grocery/coffee run. I was pretty sure it wasn't something that me and mine had done. I still wanted to make sure and give her an opportunity to vent even if it was something else.
Well, when I asked she kept changing the subject. I kept asking. Even to the point when we were walking back into the house! "Is something bothering you or not? You keep changing the subject and avoid giving me an answer. What's going on? Do you just not want to talk about it? Just say so and I'll stop asking." She then admitted that she had been changing the subject and didn't want to talk about it-a big moment considering how emotionally accessible is!
So, the story continued a couple days ago.... She called me while she was on base getting her lab work done and picking up her meds (she takes injections for rheumatoid arthritis). Then she brought up the agitation! Something about how all of them being sick (my nephew, my sister, Mom, and Dad all at once) and how she was worn out.
She mentioned something about how she thinks my sister is realizing how agitated she really is lately. She also opened up about how she is not only exhausted, she misses having her own life. "Sure, he's my grandson and I love him and I want to take care of him. I just want some of my old life back. I don't like how I'm the one he comes running to whenever he needs something!"
It was sad and yet also felt amazing. I've decided to change the way I live with being open and genuine whether or not people reciprocate. Usually, my family doesn't really reciprocate with sharing personal feelings or opinions, they simply listen and nod type of thing. It can feel awkward. This time I got something in return! It made me feel like I was making a difference. It made me feel validated and encouraged to continue being myself. It felt wonderful.
I'm sad about the situation. It's not quite a hot mess; it certainly ain't near great though.
The relationship between my sister and her baby daddy is awful. She's borderline abusive I would say. That makes me and my parents worry about the future since sister/baby daddy are going to be in each others' lives for the rest of their lives! We want things to be better for my nephew... and for his parents.
My parents have had my sister and their grandson living with them for a while now. She moved in sometime during my recovery (I can't remember when because of the ECT) so it's been a decent length of time. Over a year now, I know. They're exhausted. She blows up at them and will sometimes complain to me about wanting her own place. I don't think she appreciates what she has and how good she has it. She calls herself a single parent when she's really got two co-parents.
The hubs and I have been having some pretty... intense discussions lately as well. It's borderline arguing and there's definitely strong emotions-thankfully we always end up in a calmer place with more functional communication. I think I'll post about that later after I've had more time to think on it.
Hope everyone's having a good weekend. We've got blue skies and chilly temps. Might get some snow flurries today.
 |
| RANDOM BB PICHe insisted on wearing his galoshes. Certainly developing his own style! |
There was an interesting moment with my mom (it was Friday I think). When we had visited for Baby Bananaface's birthday she had seemed agitated during our grocery/coffee run. I was pretty sure it wasn't something that me and mine had done. I still wanted to make sure and give her an opportunity to vent even if it was something else.
Well, when I asked she kept changing the subject. I kept asking. Even to the point when we were walking back into the house! "Is something bothering you or not? You keep changing the subject and avoid giving me an answer. What's going on? Do you just not want to talk about it? Just say so and I'll stop asking." She then admitted that she had been changing the subject and didn't want to talk about it-a big moment considering how emotionally accessible is!
So, the story continued a couple days ago.... She called me while she was on base getting her lab work done and picking up her meds (she takes injections for rheumatoid arthritis). Then she brought up the agitation! Something about how all of them being sick (my nephew, my sister, Mom, and Dad all at once) and how she was worn out.
She mentioned something about how she thinks my sister is realizing how agitated she really is lately. She also opened up about how she is not only exhausted, she misses having her own life. "Sure, he's my grandson and I love him and I want to take care of him. I just want some of my old life back. I don't like how I'm the one he comes running to whenever he needs something!"
It was sad and yet also felt amazing. I've decided to change the way I live with being open and genuine whether or not people reciprocate. Usually, my family doesn't really reciprocate with sharing personal feelings or opinions, they simply listen and nod type of thing. It can feel awkward. This time I got something in return! It made me feel like I was making a difference. It made me feel validated and encouraged to continue being myself. It felt wonderful.
 |
| RANDOM BB PIC He picked out his jacket, hat, and mittens. Pretty dang happy that morning! |
I'm sad about the situation. It's not quite a hot mess; it certainly ain't near great though.
The relationship between my sister and her baby daddy is awful. She's borderline abusive I would say. That makes me and my parents worry about the future since sister/baby daddy are going to be in each others' lives for the rest of their lives! We want things to be better for my nephew... and for his parents.
My parents have had my sister and their grandson living with them for a while now. She moved in sometime during my recovery (I can't remember when because of the ECT) so it's been a decent length of time. Over a year now, I know. They're exhausted. She blows up at them and will sometimes complain to me about wanting her own place. I don't think she appreciates what she has and how good she has it. She calls herself a single parent when she's really got two co-parents.
 |
| RANDOM BB PIC "No time for diapers! I gotta catch up on my Reader's Digest!" |
The hubs and I have been having some pretty... intense discussions lately as well. It's borderline arguing and there's definitely strong emotions-thankfully we always end up in a calmer place with more functional communication. I think I'll post about that later after I've had more time to think on it.
Hope everyone's having a good weekend. We've got blue skies and chilly temps. Might get some snow flurries today.
Tuesday, February 14, 2017
My Birthday! (yep, it's a long post)
My birthday was yesterday and went pretty dang well, I must say. It was a busy day, but a happy day!
I started off my day at the gym, like usual. I took a class from one of the instructors I had given a card to and was a little anxious about what her reaction might be. She wished me happy birthday and then later on in class she sidled up to me and said, "By the way, your card was amazing."
She went on to say that her son saw the picture I drew and said it was so good they should frame it. She mentioned how much it meant to her and how sweet it was of me. We chatted a bit more and I felt really good and relieved that my card had been well received!
At the end of class she came up to me again and handed me an envelope. "I totally had this before you even gave me your card, I swear!" I opened it and saw a lot of writing so I decided to wait and read it in my car.
The message was so sweet. She mentioned how happy she was for me and how she was so proud of all the progress I've made and just amazed at how far I've come and what I've been through (I had shared my story with her before, so she knows about the whole twisted tale). She went on to say that she hoped I had a wonderful birthday and that she hopes to be around for my next birthday to see just how far I go this year.
I went home and relaxed a bit. Took a bit of extra time to pick out a "nice" outfit, do my hair, even put on makeup! I had class that afternoon and right before I worked up my courage to write a Facebook post that I had been contemplating... It included a selfie and blurb about what this birthday means to me as well as a thank you to any friends, family, providers, instructors, etc. that I hadn't thanked yet. It was a bit scary but felt so good (since then it has been well received so I feel relieved and encouraged!).
I picked up Baby Bananaface and we headed to the hubster's office. I had picked up chocolates as a Valentine's Day surprise and haphazardly hid them around his office (I also hid some around his morning routine route, he had to find 14 little individually wrapped chocolates all together).
We continued on south and met my parents, my sister, and my nephew for dinner. My brother couldn't make it but it did send along a card and that meant a lot to me. I made sure to say a formal thanks to my family for all that they've done to help me make it to my birthday. My mom and I cried but it was a good cry!
One of the highlights of the dinner was playing Soundball while we waited for the check. It is a game I learned at DBT and entails throwing an invisible ball to random people in the group-but that's not all. Before someone throws the ball, they have to repeat the sound that the person throwing it to them made up. Then they have to make up their own silly sound for the next person to repeat.
Things got serious. Lemme tell ya! We were laughing til we had tears in our eyes! Some of the noises were quite challenging and odd. By the end of it we weren't even doing the ball-throwing motion, but including our own random movements for the next person to mimic along with the goofy sounds! It was really fun and I really enjoyed myself.
The hubster and I a rather interesting conversation on the way home from dinner. My mom had made a comment at dinner that I'm "a completely different person" now and it made me wonder, who am I really? What was I before if not myself?
The hubby, as usual, seemed to have an answer without even needing time to mull it over.
He said something along the lines of, "I think you were repressed before. It was more than just the depression and anxiety being out of control. You weren't able to be yourself, your true self, for a long time."
This stirred my mental pot further. I was confused and concerned about how bubbly and energetic and social I've been. Maybe my birthday thank yous mission and cards were creepy or over-dramatic. I wondered aloud, "What if this isn't really me and I'm actually hypomanic right now?"
"Ahh. Well that's a good point. I think, though, that if you were hypomanic you'd be having sleep issues. You'd be more focused on big to-do lists and pursuing lots of projects and overextending yourself. You would have lost focus on what's important, what's healthy."
"So maybe, I'm not being hypomanic, I'm just not quite comfortable with me being... me yet? Like it's still unfamiliar and feels unsafe? That would make sense." I smiled and then frowned with further concerns. "But wait, if I wasn't me before, why would you have married me? Was I just depressed and awful all the time? How could you know the real me if I wasn't the real me?"
He laughed and smirked in his special way, patting me on the leg. "Because the good times were amazing. When we met, you were doing well. You'd talk about fun little chats and moments with the customers at the bank you worked at all the time. You gave me notes and doodles and little surprises. Sure, when the bad times came you were different, but I always knew the good side-the real you-that was underneath. It's been there all along."
It's all still confusing and a bit "who's on first" to me, but that chat felt really good and helped clear a lot of things up. I've still got a ways to go when it comes to accepting myself and building the confidence that will help me maintain my stability and life a successfully happy and healthy life, but I'm headed in the right direction. Day-by-day I'll get there.
It makes me cry thinking about how long he's been there for me. Recognizing and appreciating just how much he's helped me through, how he's stood by side and believed through it all that we'd find the real me through all that darkness. His faith and strength and resolve is stunning.
He's taught me so much about what love really is and I look forward to learning even more together. I really can't ask for anything more. He is my hero and so much more than I ever imagined a husband could be. Nobody's perfect, but I think we're perfect together and that's all that matters.
Thank you for all the birthday wishes :o)
Happy Valentines Day everybody :o)
Sunday, February 12, 2017
Reverso Cards
So my birthday is coming up fast. Last week I had a conversation with one of my gym instructors about how this birthday means more than usual birthdays to me because I almost didn't make it here. She was very understanding and validating and I was able to share just about all of my story with her. It was awesome. She barely batted an eyelash and asked probing questions and was supportive, not scared.
Anywho. At the end of our chat she encouraged me to plan something special to celebrate my birthday. We have plans already to meet my family for dinner but other than that-nada. I thought and thought about it and then something popped into my head. I wanted to thank those that helped me make it to this birthday.
Money is tight so I decided to tell some people in person and then make cards for the rest myself. I've completed most of them (just have 2 more to go) and already talked to some of my providers in person instead of giving a card...
It was a bit tough for me figuring out exactly what to do and to not be too hard on myself while doing it! In the end, I drew each gym instructor a unique picture of an animal I thought they would like. A chickadee, a great blue heron, a border collie mix, and I'll draw an eagle and a husky today if I have the time.
In each card I wrote something similar with a unique bit included for each person. The gist was something like this: This year is a special birthday for me because I almost didn't make it here. As part of my celebration I want to thank those that helped me during the past year as I battled severe postpartum depression. Thank you for (insert specialized appreciation here).
I handed out a couple of them today and while the recipients didn't open them while I was there, they seemed grateful and I feel happy. Although I do think one assumed it was an invitation and I hope she isn't disappointed when she discovers it isn't! I suppose it is a bit of a reversal handing cards out on my birthday instead of receiving them, eh? Leave it to Hannah ;o)
So. That's part of what I've been up to in addition to my usual schedule and doing my best to stay balanced and moving forward.
In closing, I would like to thank each and everyone of my readers, commenting or otherwise! This blog and this community has been an amazing source of support for me during my ups and downs-especially during the last year and a half.
Thank you all for being such a wonderful part of my recovery and life. I appreciate you so much even though I can't always keep up with my reading and commenting! I'm so grateful for the encouragement and understanding that I've found here and have so enjoyed getting to know everyone more and more.
Looking forward to more years of gratitude and community-thank you!
Anywho. At the end of our chat she encouraged me to plan something special to celebrate my birthday. We have plans already to meet my family for dinner but other than that-nada. I thought and thought about it and then something popped into my head. I wanted to thank those that helped me make it to this birthday.
Money is tight so I decided to tell some people in person and then make cards for the rest myself. I've completed most of them (just have 2 more to go) and already talked to some of my providers in person instead of giving a card...
It was a bit tough for me figuring out exactly what to do and to not be too hard on myself while doing it! In the end, I drew each gym instructor a unique picture of an animal I thought they would like. A chickadee, a great blue heron, a border collie mix, and I'll draw an eagle and a husky today if I have the time.
In each card I wrote something similar with a unique bit included for each person. The gist was something like this: This year is a special birthday for me because I almost didn't make it here. As part of my celebration I want to thank those that helped me during the past year as I battled severe postpartum depression. Thank you for (insert specialized appreciation here).
I handed out a couple of them today and while the recipients didn't open them while I was there, they seemed grateful and I feel happy. Although I do think one assumed it was an invitation and I hope she isn't disappointed when she discovers it isn't! I suppose it is a bit of a reversal handing cards out on my birthday instead of receiving them, eh? Leave it to Hannah ;o)
So. That's part of what I've been up to in addition to my usual schedule and doing my best to stay balanced and moving forward.
In closing, I would like to thank each and everyone of my readers, commenting or otherwise! This blog and this community has been an amazing source of support for me during my ups and downs-especially during the last year and a half.
Thank you all for being such a wonderful part of my recovery and life. I appreciate you so much even though I can't always keep up with my reading and commenting! I'm so grateful for the encouragement and understanding that I've found here and have so enjoyed getting to know everyone more and more.
Looking forward to more years of gratitude and community-thank you!
Tuesday, January 31, 2017
Climbing...
Today I woke up in a better place. I started my day off on a better footing. My kindness and self-validation is returning. I'm feeling calmer and less afraid, less sad, worthless, and weak.
I think part of my upswing has to do with a conversation the hubster and I had last night. He started by pointing out how serious things were getting. That I didn't seem to be fighting back against the dark logic like I had been in previous blips. That we had to get on top of things and stop this from becoming a full-fledged episode.
After some hemming and hawing from me, lots of apologies and guilt and shame, he launched into a sort of monologue/rant (not usually his style). He said something along the lines of, "You should be proud. Not ashamed. Not guilty. You should be proud that you are here. You should be proud of how far you have come and what you have done, not just for yourself but for us, for your family. You don't have to feel guilty about all that time in the hospital or all the treatments or all the therapy. You should be proud of all the hard work you have done and all the tough times we have come through together. You would have done the same for me, I know you would've. We are moving forward and you don't need to look back and feel guilt or shame about all that we went through. That's the past. We're here and we're moving forward. Do you get that?"
I do get it. What he said did resonate with me. While it's still hard to internalize and really believe it in my bones, it's something I want to work toward accepting and integrating into my being. I'm a survivor. Sure, that means I've been through some shit and it's definitely been a costly, difficult journey, but it also means that I'm strong. I'm skilled. I'm dedicated. I love my family and friends and worked hard to stick around for them.
And that's worth being proud of.
Just like everything else I've worked toward, I'm gonna work those baby steps. One day at a time I'm gonna cultivate that pride. Planting those seeds and no matter how long it takes, I'm gonna get them growing. I'll never stop busting my ass to be better, to stay healthy, to be here for those I love and this is just the next leg of that journey.
I think part of my upswing has to do with a conversation the hubster and I had last night. He started by pointing out how serious things were getting. That I didn't seem to be fighting back against the dark logic like I had been in previous blips. That we had to get on top of things and stop this from becoming a full-fledged episode.
After some hemming and hawing from me, lots of apologies and guilt and shame, he launched into a sort of monologue/rant (not usually his style). He said something along the lines of, "You should be proud. Not ashamed. Not guilty. You should be proud that you are here. You should be proud of how far you have come and what you have done, not just for yourself but for us, for your family. You don't have to feel guilty about all that time in the hospital or all the treatments or all the therapy. You should be proud of all the hard work you have done and all the tough times we have come through together. You would have done the same for me, I know you would've. We are moving forward and you don't need to look back and feel guilt or shame about all that we went through. That's the past. We're here and we're moving forward. Do you get that?"
I do get it. What he said did resonate with me. While it's still hard to internalize and really believe it in my bones, it's something I want to work toward accepting and integrating into my being. I'm a survivor. Sure, that means I've been through some shit and it's definitely been a costly, difficult journey, but it also means that I'm strong. I'm skilled. I'm dedicated. I love my family and friends and worked hard to stick around for them.
And that's worth being proud of.
Just like everything else I've worked toward, I'm gonna work those baby steps. One day at a time I'm gonna cultivate that pride. Planting those seeds and no matter how long it takes, I'm gonna get them growing. I'll never stop busting my ass to be better, to stay healthy, to be here for those I love and this is just the next leg of that journey.
Saturday, January 21, 2017
One Year
One year ago today, I was in the hospital. My aunt was also in the hospital.
On this day she died after a short, nasty fight with cancer.
As much as today marks a sad event for my family, it's also a day of deep gratitude as we reflect on how far we've come. My aunt is no longer with us, but I am still here and doing a lot, a lot, a lot better. She would've liked to hear that :o)
I didn't see my aunt while she was sick, or for many months before that. Years ago I started tapering off seeing her because it was too upsetting for me. She was a big smoker and somewhere deep inside I just knew she would get sick and leave us too soon. I couldn't stand it.
It's sad, but I don't really regret my decision. I couldn't handle the sadness and the stress of watching her kill herself. I did what I had to do at the time. While I probably would've gone to see her in the end if I hadn't been in the hospital myself, I'm glad that I didn't see her like that. Instead, I can remember the Aunt Sally that meant so much to me in a happier light.
So I raise my coffee cup to my aunt as well as to myself on this anniversary of sorts. I'm glad to have shared so many wonderful years with her and glad to feel once again like I have many wonderful years ahead of me.
Love. Love. Love.
<3
On this day she died after a short, nasty fight with cancer.
As much as today marks a sad event for my family, it's also a day of deep gratitude as we reflect on how far we've come. My aunt is no longer with us, but I am still here and doing a lot, a lot, a lot better. She would've liked to hear that :o)
I didn't see my aunt while she was sick, or for many months before that. Years ago I started tapering off seeing her because it was too upsetting for me. She was a big smoker and somewhere deep inside I just knew she would get sick and leave us too soon. I couldn't stand it.
It's sad, but I don't really regret my decision. I couldn't handle the sadness and the stress of watching her kill herself. I did what I had to do at the time. While I probably would've gone to see her in the end if I hadn't been in the hospital myself, I'm glad that I didn't see her like that. Instead, I can remember the Aunt Sally that meant so much to me in a happier light.
So I raise my coffee cup to my aunt as well as to myself on this anniversary of sorts. I'm glad to have shared so many wonderful years with her and glad to feel once again like I have many wonderful years ahead of me.
Love. Love. Love.
<3
Friday, January 6, 2017
Cuteness!
This afternoon I picked up Baby Bananaface from daycare like the usual, but we had a special moment of uber cuteness...
He seemed to be looking across the street so I followed his gaze and saw a fluffy, labrador-sized, blonde dog hanging out in a fenced yard.
BB babbled, "Da, da," and continued to point.
"Yes! Dog!" I encouraged and smiled.
I whistled at the dog and it came to the fence and looked at us-even barked at us! BB responded with a big smile and more pointing. I asked him to wave hello to the dog and he did! More pointing, smiling, "Da, da," and joy followed. We even made "woof, woof" sounds to the dog.
It was a wonderful moment :o)
In other news, I've been doing chores around the house, preparing for my class to start on Monday, and hitting up the gym for my regular classes and some new ones. I'm trying to push myself a little more at the gym and it feels really good to get those sore muscles going again. It also feels good to be cooking for my hubby and baby, getting back on top of my household chores, and making the most of my days.
One step at a time sure gets ya places, I tell ya what!
He seemed to be looking across the street so I followed his gaze and saw a fluffy, labrador-sized, blonde dog hanging out in a fenced yard.
BB babbled, "Da, da," and continued to point.
"Yes! Dog!" I encouraged and smiled.
I whistled at the dog and it came to the fence and looked at us-even barked at us! BB responded with a big smile and more pointing. I asked him to wave hello to the dog and he did! More pointing, smiling, "Da, da," and joy followed. We even made "woof, woof" sounds to the dog.
It was a wonderful moment :o)
In other news, I've been doing chores around the house, preparing for my class to start on Monday, and hitting up the gym for my regular classes and some new ones. I'm trying to push myself a little more at the gym and it feels really good to get those sore muscles going again. It also feels good to be cooking for my hubby and baby, getting back on top of my household chores, and making the most of my days.
One step at a time sure gets ya places, I tell ya what!
Wednesday, December 21, 2016
Feelin' the rush...
... the holiday rush!
It's been busy. While that means some extra stress it's also meant some extra fun :o)
My sister came up Monday and stayed the night. We had a great time. She's on winter break from teaching and one of her last New Year's resolutions to finish up was taking a boxing class (we decided kickboxing counts).
First, we went up to some outlets north of me. I found some new shirts and dresses and a pair of pants that actually fit me. It's nice to have some cozy, slimming clothing options instead of the increasingly baggy stuff that-don't get me wrong-I've loved wearing for however long but now just make me feel dumpy lookin'.
Hate droopy crotch pants *insert disapproving emoji here*
Apparently, I have lost 35 lbs since March. It's been a great side effect of the extra exercise but I haven't really been focusing on weight loss much. Maybe a little portion control and making healthier choices here and there, but my exercise routine is mostly focused on mental health with a dash of social time. Whatever my focus may be, I have needed to rearrange ye olde wardrobe a bit!
I do want to lose a bit more and tone up in places but it's a secondary goal to my overall wellness and mental health. No pressure. No timelines. Just doing what I can, cheering myself on as I go, and being proud of what I've achieved while adjusting to my new abilities and building confidence.
Anywho! My sister and I had fun at the kickboxing class Monday night and we even made cookies together later, watching "Bad Moms" while they cooled before glazing. It was great.
The next morning she came to my regular classes with me ( Zumba Strong and cycling) and afterward, while we were saying our goodbyes in the parking lot I broke from our hug, held her shoulders, looked her in the eyes and said, "I love you. I'm glad your my sister." It was a bit of a risk but I'm proud of myself for expressing my feelings instead of stuffing them down or bowing to my fears.
In other news, Baby Bananaface had to be picked up from daycare early yesterday. After a trip to urgent care we discovered he has an ear infection and bronchiolitis (really similar to bronchitis, as you might expect). He gets amoxicillin for 10 days and is home sick today. Luckily, I ain't afraid of no boogers! He's been in remarkably good spirits and we don't expect it to slow down or hamper his Christmas festivities at all.
In fact, last night he threw all the pillows and stuffies off the couch before rolling all over and squealing in joy. I just happened to pile them up at the end of the chaise where he then began leaping off the couch into the pile! It was very cute and a little scary, but I spotted him for his half a dozen leaps and he slept very well last night ;o)
Ornaments has concluded for the season, so that is helping me balance all the last minute holiday preparations better. Still, haven't had much time to blog, to read blogs, or to comment! We leave tomorrow for our holiday ventures. For the first time in a long time I'm feeling more excitement than anxiety for the trip-and that's a very sweet thing :o)
I will try to mobile post sometime this weekend but if I'm not able to comment or read your posts, please know that I'm thinking of you all and wishing everyone a wonderful holiday!
It's been busy. While that means some extra stress it's also meant some extra fun :o)
My sister came up Monday and stayed the night. We had a great time. She's on winter break from teaching and one of her last New Year's resolutions to finish up was taking a boxing class (we decided kickboxing counts).
First, we went up to some outlets north of me. I found some new shirts and dresses and a pair of pants that actually fit me. It's nice to have some cozy, slimming clothing options instead of the increasingly baggy stuff that-don't get me wrong-I've loved wearing for however long but now just make me feel dumpy lookin'.
Hate droopy crotch pants *insert disapproving emoji here*
Apparently, I have lost 35 lbs since March. It's been a great side effect of the extra exercise but I haven't really been focusing on weight loss much. Maybe a little portion control and making healthier choices here and there, but my exercise routine is mostly focused on mental health with a dash of social time. Whatever my focus may be, I have needed to rearrange ye olde wardrobe a bit!
I do want to lose a bit more and tone up in places but it's a secondary goal to my overall wellness and mental health. No pressure. No timelines. Just doing what I can, cheering myself on as I go, and being proud of what I've achieved while adjusting to my new abilities and building confidence.
Anywho! My sister and I had fun at the kickboxing class Monday night and we even made cookies together later, watching "Bad Moms" while they cooled before glazing. It was great.
The next morning she came to my regular classes with me ( Zumba Strong and cycling) and afterward, while we were saying our goodbyes in the parking lot I broke from our hug, held her shoulders, looked her in the eyes and said, "I love you. I'm glad your my sister." It was a bit of a risk but I'm proud of myself for expressing my feelings instead of stuffing them down or bowing to my fears.
In other news, Baby Bananaface had to be picked up from daycare early yesterday. After a trip to urgent care we discovered he has an ear infection and bronchiolitis (really similar to bronchitis, as you might expect). He gets amoxicillin for 10 days and is home sick today. Luckily, I ain't afraid of no boogers! He's been in remarkably good spirits and we don't expect it to slow down or hamper his Christmas festivities at all.
In fact, last night he threw all the pillows and stuffies off the couch before rolling all over and squealing in joy. I just happened to pile them up at the end of the chaise where he then began leaping off the couch into the pile! It was very cute and a little scary, but I spotted him for his half a dozen leaps and he slept very well last night ;o)
Ornaments has concluded for the season, so that is helping me balance all the last minute holiday preparations better. Still, haven't had much time to blog, to read blogs, or to comment! We leave tomorrow for our holiday ventures. For the first time in a long time I'm feeling more excitement than anxiety for the trip-and that's a very sweet thing :o)
I will try to mobile post sometime this weekend but if I'm not able to comment or read your posts, please know that I'm thinking of you all and wishing everyone a wonderful holiday!
Monday, December 12, 2016
I Been Busy!
Boy howdy. It's been a busy few days!
Saturday the hubby and I got an extended date day when my mom surprised us and said that she wasn't planning on staying for lunch, just grabbing Baby Bananaface and heading out (she was taking him for an overnight babysitting session so the hubs and I could go to a game group party). So the hubster and I took the opportunity to dine in the bar section and the hubs even had a fufu mojito!
That was just the beginning of our date day-some shopping, a murder mystery party, and a movie at the theater followed! The movie was a pretty big deal considering I hadn't been to the cinema in over 6 months for fear of triggering my anxiety or panic. I definitely experienced some stress but I was able to ride the waves, use my skills, and make it through the movie without succumbing to the anxiety or a panic attack-I'd even say that I had a good time ;o)
Sunday I juggled ornaments and the gym before my sister arrived with BB (worked out really well that we could drop him off halfway to my parents' Saturday and then my sister could bring him back to us on Sunday since she and I had plans). She and I proceeded to have a girls' night out with a trip to a local nursery/shop for their Christmas extravaganza (I enjoyed some free decaf and Christmas cookie treats).
We then proceeded to have a fun dinner out before nabbing some lattes on our way downtown to the theater where we got to see a live production of "The Little Mermaid!" We were both a little worried about how they would handle one of our favorite movies ever but the production was nicely executed and we weren't disappointed. We both got the crap scared outta us by some confetti cannons but it was fun overall!
Saturday the hubby and I got an extended date day when my mom surprised us and said that she wasn't planning on staying for lunch, just grabbing Baby Bananaface and heading out (she was taking him for an overnight babysitting session so the hubs and I could go to a game group party). So the hubster and I took the opportunity to dine in the bar section and the hubs even had a fufu mojito!
That was just the beginning of our date day-some shopping, a murder mystery party, and a movie at the theater followed! The movie was a pretty big deal considering I hadn't been to the cinema in over 6 months for fear of triggering my anxiety or panic. I definitely experienced some stress but I was able to ride the waves, use my skills, and make it through the movie without succumbing to the anxiety or a panic attack-I'd even say that I had a good time ;o)
Sunday I juggled ornaments and the gym before my sister arrived with BB (worked out really well that we could drop him off halfway to my parents' Saturday and then my sister could bring him back to us on Sunday since she and I had plans). She and I proceeded to have a girls' night out with a trip to a local nursery/shop for their Christmas extravaganza (I enjoyed some free decaf and Christmas cookie treats).
We then proceeded to have a fun dinner out before nabbing some lattes on our way downtown to the theater where we got to see a live production of "The Little Mermaid!" We were both a little worried about how they would handle one of our favorite movies ever but the production was nicely executed and we weren't disappointed. We both got the crap scared outta us by some confetti cannons but it was fun overall!
I think my favorite part of the night was listening to music while we drove to Seattle and back; singing at the top of lungs together. My sister and I aren't always on the same wavelength and sometimes it feels like we don't know each other very well, but last night we had a great time together and I'm so grateful for the experience.
Today I had to just keep rollin' as I had two appointments downtown and still have one to go (thankfully not as far a drive but still outta my way).
My endocrinology appointment went super fast as did my blood draw. Good news! If this thyroid level is good like my last test I can switch to following up with my primary care provider instead of seeing a specialist-and that means just driving or walking across the street instead of driving 45 minutes into downtown *woot*
My psychiatry appointment went well too. We talked about all the progress I've made and how I'm handling the challenges that remain and agreed that waiting and seeing how the Lamictal treats me this time is the best idea for now. I had tried the Lamictal months ago for purely mood stabilizing purposes but now I've been prescribed the drug for anti-seizure purposes. My psychiatrist thinks it might work better this time around as a mood stabilizer since my mood is much better now to start with than it was. As she put it, "you were in a hole, a BIG hole." I sure hope she's right and I can get a 2-for-1 with this med!
Whew. So that's a bit of what's going on here. Trying not to think too far ahead but still working toward my goals, one step at a time :o)
Happy Monday!
Monday, September 12, 2016
Sunday Review/Happy Monday!
Yesterday was the 15th anniversary of 9/11 and even though I had been thinking of the event all week, I honestly forgot about it that morning until halfway through my walk with Fio.
It was a beautiful morning and I found myself feeling so grateful that I could be taking a peaceful walk without fearing for my life, even swapping content "good morning" greetings with my neighbors. We're just about strangers to each other but we're also countrymen with an undeniable link and that's so important to remember.
The radio station I happened to have on played the anthem on the hour all day and the hubs and I both really appreciated it (even got a little teary!) despite not being in love with the version they selected... but Whitney Houston's take on the anthem grew on us during the day I think.
I always end up feeling very grateful even though there are also many dark feelings like fear and anger that come along with these anniversaries.
Speaking of anniversaries, Sunday also happened to mark 5 months since I attempted to take my life. I still feel like I'm "sick" and frustrated to still be striving for some undefined "all better" or sense of feeling good enough (but really, even when I'm "healthy" I'm not sure if I've ever been able to maintain a sense of feeling good enough). I think that's a really complicated aspect of my mental health, but someday I hope to be at peace with myself and really, truly accepting my best as good enough.
All that said, I think I've made a lot of changes and my baby steps are adding up to many positive shifts in my health and my life. I still have hard days and I still wonder if I can hold it all together, but more and more I find myself believing in my own strength and appreciating the little things that I'm able to do now that I just couldn't manage those several months back-even simple things like getting out of the condo, feeding myself, and doing chores.
We didn't do anything specific to commemorate the date but the hubs and I were both contemplative and able to appreciate our family hike and time together a little more than usual :o)
Here are some fun pictures from the trail: a cool frog I spotted, a family selfie, and some goofy pics. Also, another selfie from story time at home that night.
Many emotions and ups and downs but overall a good day.
So far, my Monday is going well. I was feeling well enough to cancel the ECT appointment I made "just in case" last week. There were a few pretty bad days last week that made us think I might need a treatment to get the suicidal thoughts to subside, but I think I'm transitioning out of the darkness-at least I'm working hard to try and make that happen!
Anyways, the ECT staff and TMS staff have been very helpful and supportive and I'm so glad to have them as part of my treatment. It's amazing how such wonderful people manage to be in some of the darkest spots of life and brighten things up no matter how bad things get.
Happy Monday all!
It was a beautiful morning and I found myself feeling so grateful that I could be taking a peaceful walk without fearing for my life, even swapping content "good morning" greetings with my neighbors. We're just about strangers to each other but we're also countrymen with an undeniable link and that's so important to remember.
The radio station I happened to have on played the anthem on the hour all day and the hubs and I both really appreciated it (even got a little teary!) despite not being in love with the version they selected... but Whitney Houston's take on the anthem grew on us during the day I think.
I always end up feeling very grateful even though there are also many dark feelings like fear and anger that come along with these anniversaries.
Speaking of anniversaries, Sunday also happened to mark 5 months since I attempted to take my life. I still feel like I'm "sick" and frustrated to still be striving for some undefined "all better" or sense of feeling good enough (but really, even when I'm "healthy" I'm not sure if I've ever been able to maintain a sense of feeling good enough). I think that's a really complicated aspect of my mental health, but someday I hope to be at peace with myself and really, truly accepting my best as good enough.
All that said, I think I've made a lot of changes and my baby steps are adding up to many positive shifts in my health and my life. I still have hard days and I still wonder if I can hold it all together, but more and more I find myself believing in my own strength and appreciating the little things that I'm able to do now that I just couldn't manage those several months back-even simple things like getting out of the condo, feeding myself, and doing chores.
We didn't do anything specific to commemorate the date but the hubs and I were both contemplative and able to appreciate our family hike and time together a little more than usual :o)
Here are some fun pictures from the trail: a cool frog I spotted, a family selfie, and some goofy pics. Also, another selfie from story time at home that night.
Many emotions and ups and downs but overall a good day.
So far, my Monday is going well. I was feeling well enough to cancel the ECT appointment I made "just in case" last week. There were a few pretty bad days last week that made us think I might need a treatment to get the suicidal thoughts to subside, but I think I'm transitioning out of the darkness-at least I'm working hard to try and make that happen!
Anyways, the ECT staff and TMS staff have been very helpful and supportive and I'm so glad to have them as part of my treatment. It's amazing how such wonderful people manage to be in some of the darkest spots of life and brighten things up no matter how bad things get.
Happy Monday all!
Saturday, August 27, 2016
Sneaky Momma Bloggin' in the AM...
The boys are still snoozing this warm Saturday morning and I am in the dining room typing away, only a little on edge as I wait for the waking cry of my toddler. It always stresses me out to some degree waiting for the waking sounds but this morning it's not so bad, I'm even a little relaxed and content as I let the boys sleep on a bit longer.
I think the happy feelings have a little to do with having had therapy yesterday and discussing my self-judgments and implementing grateful thoughts and building up my self-esteem instead of letting myself sink into mental spaces where I'm constantly apologizing for myself and feeling bad about my existence. That's no way to live. Talk about bringin' ya down! It's miserable!
Right now I feel grateful that I'm able to wake up and get moving in the morning and that I have routines like making coffee for the hubby and getting a little breakfast prepped and hitting the gym and that I have things to look forward to like visiting the local espresso stand before the owners hand it over to the new owners next week (sad but true, I'm losing my favorite baristas!). I'm trying to teach myself to dwell in the positive and when I succeed at this it feels pretty dang good.
So, I'm trying to cheer myself on internally and participate more earnestly in a healthier, happier lifestyle to bolster my lifeforce and stability. I'm trying to acknowledge and appreciate the progress that I've made the last few months and praise myself for all the hard work that I've been doing instead of harping on myself for all the things that still remain to be improved (it's so dang easy for my brain to see the darker sides of things!).
On that note, I will try to be kinder to myself today and I hope that my readers and blogging friends can be kind to themselves too and hopefully have some happy moments like I'm having now. It certainly saddens me to know that so many share similar struggles with mental health but I'm so grateful to have found this community and source of inspiration and support-thank you all <3
Happy weekend! Thank you for being you! Good luck and big smiles :o)
I think the happy feelings have a little to do with having had therapy yesterday and discussing my self-judgments and implementing grateful thoughts and building up my self-esteem instead of letting myself sink into mental spaces where I'm constantly apologizing for myself and feeling bad about my existence. That's no way to live. Talk about bringin' ya down! It's miserable!
Right now I feel grateful that I'm able to wake up and get moving in the morning and that I have routines like making coffee for the hubby and getting a little breakfast prepped and hitting the gym and that I have things to look forward to like visiting the local espresso stand before the owners hand it over to the new owners next week (sad but true, I'm losing my favorite baristas!). I'm trying to teach myself to dwell in the positive and when I succeed at this it feels pretty dang good.
So, I'm trying to cheer myself on internally and participate more earnestly in a healthier, happier lifestyle to bolster my lifeforce and stability. I'm trying to acknowledge and appreciate the progress that I've made the last few months and praise myself for all the hard work that I've been doing instead of harping on myself for all the things that still remain to be improved (it's so dang easy for my brain to see the darker sides of things!).
On that note, I will try to be kinder to myself today and I hope that my readers and blogging friends can be kind to themselves too and hopefully have some happy moments like I'm having now. It certainly saddens me to know that so many share similar struggles with mental health but I'm so grateful to have found this community and source of inspiration and support-thank you all <3
Happy weekend! Thank you for being you! Good luck and big smiles :o)
Wednesday, August 24, 2016
Vacay Mega Post!!!
For our vacation we went up north to a little town called Birch Bay and stayed with my parents at a condo. We played a lot of card/dice/word games and also saw some of my relatives (my two remaining aunts from my dad's side and even a cousin of mine and my sister for a little bit the first day) as well as participating in a variety of day trips and other fun.
It was a good trip even though I battled through some anxiety at times. Some of the highlights included working out at the gym watching "I Love Lucy" and "The Golden Girls" from the treadmill, communicating with my mom about my anxiety and getting support from her, going to Canada and golfing as well as getting Baby Bananaface his first haircut, and playing in the pool with my family.
Here are some pics captured by my mom throughout the trip, there are a few repetitive ones and quite a variety but I felt like some were too good not to share!
I used a lot of my DBT skills throughout the vacation and I think it contributed to me enjoying the trip more. I also really appreciated being able to use the skills to reach out to my husband and my family for support as I struggled with some anxiety instead of keeping quiet and trying to hide my truth.
Speaking of DBT, I had class tonight that was the end of a module and involved the graduation of 3 ladies that I really appreciate having in class and am going to miss quite a bit... I decided to be brave and wrote them each a little note with my contact information so maybe I'll hear from them and we'll stay in touch. We shall see! I think this is an example of one of the ways DBT is helping me and I'm growing as a person and I'm really grateful for that :o)
In other news, I start TMS tomorrow and see one of my friends from college/childhood so gonna be a busy day! I'm scared but trying to believe in myself and stay calm and focused and just do my best.
Mega post out!
It was a good trip even though I battled through some anxiety at times. Some of the highlights included working out at the gym watching "I Love Lucy" and "The Golden Girls" from the treadmill, communicating with my mom about my anxiety and getting support from her, going to Canada and golfing as well as getting Baby Bananaface his first haircut, and playing in the pool with my family.
Here are some pics captured by my mom throughout the trip, there are a few repetitive ones and quite a variety but I felt like some were too good not to share!
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| All of us at my alma mater, Western Washington Uni. I got a new sweatshirt that I've been wanting for months- yay! |
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| The hubs and BB enjoying the pool |
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| Apparently Mom took a shot of me in the pool- I look so happy I'm even comfy sharing the pic even with me in a bathing suit! |
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| The hubster had some very angry energy with his very aggressive swings... I happened to find him a perfect keepsake afterward-an angry golfing Donald Duck ornament! |
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| Can't golf without a binkie! |
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| Action shot. He held onto that golf ball nearly the entire time! |
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| This reminds me of Godzilla for some reason :o) |
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| Baby Bananaface preparing for takeoff at his first haircut-he really enjoyed the "Dora the Explorer" on the TV! |
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| Me and my parents happily observing |
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| Not phased at all-totally chill the entire time! |
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| The "after" picture :o) |
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| The hubs and I playing around with Mom's "Snapchat" app thingy face-swap! |
I used a lot of my DBT skills throughout the vacation and I think it contributed to me enjoying the trip more. I also really appreciated being able to use the skills to reach out to my husband and my family for support as I struggled with some anxiety instead of keeping quiet and trying to hide my truth.
Speaking of DBT, I had class tonight that was the end of a module and involved the graduation of 3 ladies that I really appreciate having in class and am going to miss quite a bit... I decided to be brave and wrote them each a little note with my contact information so maybe I'll hear from them and we'll stay in touch. We shall see! I think this is an example of one of the ways DBT is helping me and I'm growing as a person and I'm really grateful for that :o)
In other news, I start TMS tomorrow and see one of my friends from college/childhood so gonna be a busy day! I'm scared but trying to believe in myself and stay calm and focused and just do my best.
Mega post out!
Friday, July 22, 2016
A Friday Variety Post
Still waiting for ECT to kick in and perk up my mood so I've taken to a local cafe for a change of surroundings, some distraction, and a delicious snack with scrumptious coffee. It's a gloriously rainy, gray day here in the Pacific Northwest (perfect for visiting a cafe) and I enjoyed my strength training class this morning at the gym. I'm very grateful for those classes and the sense of community I gain from them, such a great way for me to kick off my days.
Today I'm also feeling especially grateful for my blogging community and please know that if you're reading this I appreciate have you in my life <3
Now. I think I'm going to try and tackle some "Words for Wednesday" on Friday just because I kinda-sorta feel like writing and need something to keep me occupied and trudging forward in a positive direction. Perfect for "Words for Wednesday," right?
Here are the prompting words that I'm working with:
exhibition
feelings
bewitching
captive
gushing
candle
Today I'm also feeling especially grateful for my blogging community and please know that if you're reading this I appreciate have you in my life <3
Now. I think I'm going to try and tackle some "Words for Wednesday" on Friday just because I kinda-sorta feel like writing and need something to keep me occupied and trudging forward in a positive direction. Perfect for "Words for Wednesday," right?
Here are the prompting words that I'm working with:
exhibition
feelings
bewitching
captive
gushing
candle
Another Attack
I feel no shame amid the stares
My feelings freely gushing forward, tears falling down my cheeks
I'm quite an exhibition for the creeping on-ramp traffic
My captive sobs muted by car windows
The context of a radio newscast obscured to my audience
These strangers may believe they can't relate but I know different
The tragedies bewitching me burden them as well:
Shootings, bombings, massacres, deaths, injuries, hate
Grief does not discriminate
Grieving as I do relieves some of the pain
My way of striking back with love against widespread fear
As a candle lights the way for nervous steps
I help light the way for other caring souls
We walk this messy trail toward peace together
With teary eyes and brave souls
And hope for all
Poems are a challenge for me but this is where inspiration took me today. It's a bit too vague, I think, but hopefully the fact that it's about the mass shootings and other attacks comes through. These stories have been far too common on my local radio station and make me quite sad. While this scene didn't happen exactly I was screaming and crying in the car the other day from depressive symptoms. I think that experience and the shootings mingled in my brain and got mixed into one in this poem!
Love and kindness to everyone. Thank you for reading and hope you all have wonderful weekends :o)
Sunday, June 26, 2016
Dawn at Midday
This afternoon I was driving home from yoga with Baby Bananaface snoozing in the backseat* when a realization came over me. It was a good but sad realization. I was conflicted with feelings of pity and disgust as well as a sweet release of acceptance and acknowledgment backed with the tang of self critique as it swept through me. Quite a whirlwind of emotions as I recognized this afternoon just how much trauma I've been through this past year and change.
It may seem obvious, like I've already accetped that I've endured trauma, but as I drove home today the acceptance spontaneously blossomed in me. I suddenly acknowledged the pain and hardship and loss that my mind has tried to hide and dismiss or belittle. Instead of feeling oblivious or shaming myself I felt the weight of it all come down upon me and saw just how far I've come and what I've endured. I felt grateful for my strength and my endurance instead of just feeling grateful for those that have helped me along this long, hard path. Instead of labeling myself a burden or a problem and giving all the credit to those who've helped me, I accepted my achievement. I've fought a long, hard battle for my life-somehow there is part of me that strives to live no matter how frequently I feel ready for death-and it's good to acknowledge that side of myself.
It was a strange feeling, sad and beautiful, quite humanizing too. I felt a bit of pride and belonging as I recognized myself as a fighter just like so many others battling disease or other unfortunate challenges in life or simply surviving, really. The internal criticism and minimizing still chirps in the background but having those nicer thoughts break through and thinking something positive about myself was so meaningful.
I was a little shocked to feel all this dawning on me after so many, many months; especially when I spend so much time thinking of my sickness and getting better, but the wise hubster was not surprised. "When you experience trauma it takes some time to accept it, to get past denial into acceptance and moving on. Totally normal." Just like him to take it all in stride! I felt bowled over by my emotional wave of self discovery, relating my afternoon moment of zen with tears in my eyes and a tinge of embarrassed pink in my cheeks but the hubster cradled me with his words as if he'd been waiting for me to tell him this for weeks... Anyways.
For a long time I have (unconsciously and consciously) berated myself for being sick, for not "sucking it up" and making due, for not "fixing it" and moving on. I thought that because I didn't suffer birth trauma I had no excuse to be feeling down, completely neglecting to recognize the trauma of postpartum depression, multiple hospitilzations, intensive ECT treatment, a suicide attempt, and countless other disruptions to my life. Those are traumas. These things count. I've been through some shit! I'm still in recovery and that's totally understandable because what happened to me was significant, it's gonna take some time to work through and work past.
I feel like a lot of this is stating the obvious and repeating things that I've wrote about in past posts but for me this things feel fresh and there is something novel and important about acknowledging these thoughts and feelings that came over me so randomly this afternoon. It's not all news to me but the feelings of acceptance, soothing, and understanding that came with this moment of realization have given me a new perspective on my life, a new abililty to be kind and gentle with myself, to validate myself, to better support myself in recovery and those are all very important things.
I'm sad as I acknowledge what I've been through and more fully appreciate the anguish of these dark times but I also feel a swell of glowing gratitude and feist as I appreciate the progress I've made on this journey and feel a little piece of me start to believe that I can make it back to where I want to be, that I can do this crazy thing called life, that I do have it in me... I'm not a weakling, a hot mess, or a lost cause. I'm a fighter.
* This was big doins. BB and I went to the gym and gave Daddy time alone at home! First time in a long time that I've been out alone with the babe. Progress!
It may seem obvious, like I've already accetped that I've endured trauma, but as I drove home today the acceptance spontaneously blossomed in me. I suddenly acknowledged the pain and hardship and loss that my mind has tried to hide and dismiss or belittle. Instead of feeling oblivious or shaming myself I felt the weight of it all come down upon me and saw just how far I've come and what I've endured. I felt grateful for my strength and my endurance instead of just feeling grateful for those that have helped me along this long, hard path. Instead of labeling myself a burden or a problem and giving all the credit to those who've helped me, I accepted my achievement. I've fought a long, hard battle for my life-somehow there is part of me that strives to live no matter how frequently I feel ready for death-and it's good to acknowledge that side of myself.
It was a strange feeling, sad and beautiful, quite humanizing too. I felt a bit of pride and belonging as I recognized myself as a fighter just like so many others battling disease or other unfortunate challenges in life or simply surviving, really. The internal criticism and minimizing still chirps in the background but having those nicer thoughts break through and thinking something positive about myself was so meaningful.
I was a little shocked to feel all this dawning on me after so many, many months; especially when I spend so much time thinking of my sickness and getting better, but the wise hubster was not surprised. "When you experience trauma it takes some time to accept it, to get past denial into acceptance and moving on. Totally normal." Just like him to take it all in stride! I felt bowled over by my emotional wave of self discovery, relating my afternoon moment of zen with tears in my eyes and a tinge of embarrassed pink in my cheeks but the hubster cradled me with his words as if he'd been waiting for me to tell him this for weeks... Anyways.
For a long time I have (unconsciously and consciously) berated myself for being sick, for not "sucking it up" and making due, for not "fixing it" and moving on. I thought that because I didn't suffer birth trauma I had no excuse to be feeling down, completely neglecting to recognize the trauma of postpartum depression, multiple hospitilzations, intensive ECT treatment, a suicide attempt, and countless other disruptions to my life. Those are traumas. These things count. I've been through some shit! I'm still in recovery and that's totally understandable because what happened to me was significant, it's gonna take some time to work through and work past.
I feel like a lot of this is stating the obvious and repeating things that I've wrote about in past posts but for me this things feel fresh and there is something novel and important about acknowledging these thoughts and feelings that came over me so randomly this afternoon. It's not all news to me but the feelings of acceptance, soothing, and understanding that came with this moment of realization have given me a new perspective on my life, a new abililty to be kind and gentle with myself, to validate myself, to better support myself in recovery and those are all very important things.
I'm sad as I acknowledge what I've been through and more fully appreciate the anguish of these dark times but I also feel a swell of glowing gratitude and feist as I appreciate the progress I've made on this journey and feel a little piece of me start to believe that I can make it back to where I want to be, that I can do this crazy thing called life, that I do have it in me... I'm not a weakling, a hot mess, or a lost cause. I'm a fighter.
* This was big doins. BB and I went to the gym and gave Daddy time alone at home! First time in a long time that I've been out alone with the babe. Progress!
Wednesday, June 8, 2016
Fruit Salad Post
I'm just gonna go for it and throw in a handful of the thoughts and feelings that are with me today and let this post turn into whatever it is meant to become!
A) I really appreciated this blog post and how it helped simplify and validate my disorder while also providing some concrete tools for improving communication with others. I don't get to talk with people in this fashion about bipolar II very often but it's something that I would like to feel confident talking about if ever I got the chance.
*I was concerned about the comments she made about bipolar being highly genetic and the 50% stat she threw down, but the hubster has reassured me that it is more complex and less stark/severe than that and that I shouldn't feel like Baby Bananaface is a timebomb or that I've poisoned him... he found some other statistics that were more realistic and thankfully, reassuring. That said I am not an expert on this so I can't clarify what the "truth" is, I just don't want anybody freaking out like I did!
B) I've been having a lot of feelings about my aunt's passing and my relationship with my cousin and some of that involves feeling grief but also shameful or fearful or upset about the distance that has evolved between me and my cousin and my sorta-uncle (I don't call him "Uncle __" I just call him "__" and they weren't officially married til later in their relationship so... it's confusing but I like the guy).
Part of the reason that distance evolved was because of my postpartum depression and the fact that I was in the hospital while my aunt was in a different hospital dying. She had had cancer for months prior to that and I hadn't seen her because she was a heavy smoker and I had stopped visiting years before because it was physically uncomfortable and very emotionally painful for me to see her and "__" smoking and, in my eyes, hurting themselves. I feel like a part of me knew that a very painful end was coming and I backed away early because I just didn't know how to cope with all the feelings I was having at the time.
Since she died I've been more and more expressive about my sadness but I've felt a little odd and "on the outside" of the grief since I didn't see her during her sickness and death. It feels like my cousin and my sorta-uncle and my first family have more license to be sad than I but I think this is the mark of an invalidating family structure, a part of the ongoing battle I experience around being myself and being okay with that...
The fact is that I was too sensitive to watch my aunt slowly kill herself and I had to get distance, I had a lot going on in my own life and my mental health issues prevented me from coping with that high stress situation and prevented me from seeing her not only while she was sick but before then too. The fact is that my experience is unique and different from everyone else's and it happens to involve grieving from a greater distance and I am thankful that I protected myself from potentially very traumatic memories surrounding her disease and death. It has made things awkward, but I really don't regret my decision to run for the hills when I did-it was the best I could do for myself and that's all I can hope for. I don't know if I'll ever regain as close a relationship with my sorta-uncle or cousin but I can't blame myself for that, I can just do my best and be me and hope for the best.
*Still sorting through this, but that splat of feelings certainly helps!
C) I have a little update related to reintroducing myself to myself (I talked about feeling like a stranger in my own life the other day and the hubbo suggested reframing my loss of self as a journey to rediscover myself, to reintroduce myself)... On Monday I was up to some good ole Hannah mischief! Here's the scoop:
The hubster had a dentist appointment to get a filling. He's been complaining about it for weeks because he hates the feeling of the needle they use to numb him up and generally isn't a fan of the dentist anyway. That morning as I was driving home from the gym I had an inspiration to make him a little encouragement card and drop it off at the dentist's so they could give it to him when he checked in. I made him a little card with a scattering of shiny red foil hearts and a grumpy Garfield cartoon and a little note and dropped it off just before the dentist's office went to lunch.
That afternoon I could cheery text from the hubster about "running into Garfield at the dentist's" and he was so grateful for the card! I was so glad I could help him relax and also grateful I could feel like myself again. It was a wonderful moment and I'm hoping I can continue to build on the positive vibes.
D) Overall, my wellness is improved. The jitters are gone and I'm off my Latuda now (we are keeping a watchful eye out for any symptoms that may crop up related to this). I am still struggling with anxiety but I've been able to use my DBT skills to help me cope and there is a little piece of me that sidling up to the idea of thinking of a future, looking ahead, buying into life more-and that's a big deal.
I still very much feel like a work in progress (and/or a "hot mess") but I feel like I'm starting to push back against those dark, sticky ideas that I'm worthless and hopeless and while that bit of fight in me feels a little strange, it also feels a little good too.
E) Here are this week's "Words for Wednesday" prompts provided by River:
1. energy
2. caravan
3. drop
4. whispering
5. farmer
6. tracker
and/or
1. slinging
2. risking
3. young
4. absolute
5. morsels
6. contain
and/or
"the headlights were the only illumination on the single lane road"
I didn't write anything based on the prompts but wanted to share them around in case anyone needed some inspiration! :o)
So there is this fruit salad post, hope it doesn't hurt yer eyes too much!
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