One Year

One year ago today, I was in the hospital. My aunt was also in the hospital.

On this day she died after a short, nasty fight with cancer.

As much as today marks a sad event for my family, it's also a day of deep gratitude as we reflect on how far we've come. My aunt is no longer with us, but I am still here and doing a lot, a lot, a lot better. She would've liked to hear that :o)

I didn't see my aunt while she was sick, or for many months before that. Years ago I started tapering off seeing her because it was too upsetting for me. She was a big smoker and somewhere deep inside I just knew she would get sick and leave us too soon. I couldn't stand it.

It's sad, but I don't really regret my decision. I couldn't handle the sadness and the stress of watching her kill herself. I did what I had to do at the time. While I probably would've gone to see her in the end if I hadn't been in the hospital myself, I'm glad that I didn't see her like that. Instead, I can remember the Aunt Sally that meant so much to me in a happier light.


So I raise my coffee cup to my aunt as well as to myself on this anniversary of sorts. I'm glad to have shared so many wonderful years with her and glad to feel once again like I have many wonderful years ahead of me.

Love. Love. Love.

<3

Weekend Update

Tomorrow we have plans to meet my family for a hike to scatter my uncle's ashes on Mt. Rainier. I know it's a bit morbid, but I've been looking forward to this event all week as a chance to get out and do something with my family that we don't normally do-and I tend to enjoy hikes!

Yesterday I did a volunteer shift at the blood bank and met a lovely lady that was also volunteering there. It certainly made the time go by faster chatting with her between helping donors and doing little chores. I hope I get to work another shift with her in the future.

Today I was able to hit the morning gym class and even managed to take Baby Bananaface with me and to the gym childcare totally solo! I get freaked out whenever the hubster recommends a little solo parenting action but I've been coping pretty well lately and it feels really good when I succeed so I'm gonna keep trying more and more while not overwhelming myself.

It's been an up and down day today and definitely have had some anxiety issues but only a few moments when I felt really crappy or upset. My skills have been working for me although dealing with anxiety for so long is frustrating and exhausting.

It's hard to explain what it's like to be on the "not great" spectrum near constantly, where feeling only a little bad seems like a pretty good deal and mild suffering is a normal thing. Then sometimes I just get pissed off and sick of feeling crappy and still other times I'm at that extreme of pain and suffering. It's so rare to feel really "good" or "fine;" the positive or neutral feelings seem strange and alien at times... I just have to remember that I'll have more of the better days as I get better overall. I have had stretches of happy weeks in my life and I can again!

Snapped a little at the hubby today (a rarity!). He seems to forget sometimes that my anxiety can be up for hours on end and I have to actively cope nearly all day and it can be very stressful and tiring. Sometimes he even asks why I just can't think of something else! *sigh* If only. I told him he just had to suck it up and deal with whatever deep breathing I needed to do to get through my anxiety and that was that. He said he appreciated my assertiveness and gave me a charming smile *blush* I felt like I was blowing up on him and he just took it like a tropical breeze! Oh, I sure love him.

Enjoyed sitting on the balcony watching and listening to the downpour this afternoon-even got to edit/revamp one of the hubby's essays which was really fun for me. So overall, a decent day, even bordering on good!

Wishing everyone wonderful weekends-thanks for checking in :o)



OH! Late breaking news, the insurance got sorted out for my new medication so I get to pick that up on Monday. Definitely nervous and afraid of side effects but hoping that it turns out to be a perfect match and helps me out somehow. I've never had anything but my anti-anxiety pills really help when it comes to my mood but it seems like it would be a wonderful asset!

P is for Premera #atozchallenge

This post is part of my first year doing the A to Z Challenge and I happen to be writing under the theme Gratitude: The Things That Keep Me Alive. This is a relevant theme for me as I am struggling with postpartum depression, and also have diagnosed anxiety and bipolar II (just to let you know what's going on with me-it might be pertinent as you read the post below). Thank you for stopping by and reading my post!

P is for Premera, as in the Premera Blue Cross insurance company, because without insurance I'd probably be long gone. Without insurance I wouldn't have been able to afford therapy, medications, inpatient treatment, ECT, or my DBT classes-it's taking a lot of resources to piece me back together! (and by me being able to afford I mean our family that is totally dependent on my husband's income)

Speaking of the hubster, he has a few choice words about Premera as well; from his own fingers, I present the hubster's point of view:

The second hospitalization prompted Premera to take a more active role in Hannah's care. A few days into her second hospitalization, I received a call from a "case manager" at Premera-totally out of the blue. My initial reaction was to be professional, but evasive as I did not want the insurance company to deny or reject any of the claims; however, after a few minutes talking with the case manager I found myself at ease. She understood what was happening and just needed to know more in order to offer solutions. I wasn't sure what she could do, but she did help to find Hannah's DBT program and it was nice to feel like I had a partner on the inside of the game. An ace up my sleeve if needed. For almost two months the case manager would check in about once a week to see how things were going and to see how Hannah was doing. It was nice to receive such a level of care with such concern: it was surprising and refreshing. The system does work when it needs to. Hubster out.

We're even grateful for Premera specifically because they covered my out of hospital birth at the birth center that was such an amazing experience. Not every insurance would *shakes finger*

Anyway, that's sort of a boring topic for P so I scraped around my brain for some other things I'm grateful for that fall under P and came up with persistence, pets, pictures, paperbacks, public libraries, and pretending. Why pretending? Well, "faking it til you make it" never really works for me but pretending I'm okay and stable and normal when I'm out and about in public can actually give me a break from my misery when I'm feeling down and without those breaks from the pain and darkness I might not have made it through.

Flamers might say I'm being dramatic but A) They're flamers, B) They obviously haven't dealt with major depression or these other disorders. I think my fellow survivors will identify with what I've typed here and I'm glad to be a partner (see there, another P!) in the effort toward greater mental health and support by being honest about my experience.

Putting these things out there and being honest can get dramatic because battling back a disease that has convinced you that killing yourself is a viable and preferable option to life, that's a dramatic thing. Don't ever feel like you're being a "drama queen" or "playing it up." Dealing with these types of issues gets dramatic but you're not alone.

In inpatient one of the most important things I learned was that I wasn't alone and that other people experience the same dramatic symptoms as I do. I learned that it wasn't me being a whiny, attention seeker; it was me struggling with a slew of disorders that have brought many good people to their knees.

So persist, my fellow sufferers. Pursue your futures and happiness and health. Plan for foibles along the way and plow through the mess of challenges along the way. Praise yourself and celebrate the everyday victories and know that someone believes in you.

PS Here's a bonus P and (word nerd alert) a fun word:

pro·bi·ty

/ˈprōbədē/

noun formal

the quality of having strong moral principles; honesty and decency

Throbbin' Thursday

Wow, that would be a great title for a fantastically skanky post, huh? But the kinda throbbin' I'm referring to is the type ya take home from a dentist's office!

I had the feeling something would come up at this cleaning. A few months back I felt as if I had broken a filling but since it didn't hurt and I didn't develop any sensitivity I just kept the tooth extra clean and carried on with life. Well, turns out I did break a filling and there are a couple others showing their age.

My hygienist and dentist also talked to me about clenching my jaw and grinding my teeth. This is new for me. I have noticed the habit lately when I'm stressing out and have struggled to stop the clenching. As far what happens in my mouth during the night, I have no idea. But I have noticed that I've had more headaches and neck pain and that my cleaning was much more uncomfortable than usual. The staff related the extra sensitivity to the clenching as well. Delightful!

All that said, my husband is convinced this dentist is a money grubbing airhead and is currently looking for a new dentist that won't jump to fix every cavity they can feasibly fiddle with. So maybe I won't have a drooling day of full-facial numbness in my future after all!

He had a falling out with this dentist several months back and while I was skeptical of his cynicism I'm starting to come around.

I have been spoiled with lovely providers in the past that talked to me in detail about my teeth and what needed to be fixed right away or what could wait or what was borderline. This visit felt like I was a walking inventory of dental dings to the hubby's wallet. Instead of feeling empowered and involved in my care, I felt taken. Thankfully I was able to walk out without scheduling procedures or buying anything but it felt like I was dangerously close to dropping hundreds of dollars on overpriced dental work.

I'm not super familiar with dental insurance and billing and prices, but it seemed a bit steep to me. The hubby concurred and we're shopping around.

Until we find a new dentist I'm hoping that the ache from my cleaning will subside and some stress control will help curtail more clenching. Unfortunately the baby fever I mentioned in my earlier post is ongoing, though improving. The extra emotions and feeling out of control doesn't contribute to a stress-free environment, but we are working through it.

A few extra tears never hurt anybody!

Wellness Update

Had a check-up with DO last Friday and had to do some lab work for my thyroid. She lowered my dose a little bit and recommended I get back to taking my Vitamin D daily to help with my eye twitch.

Yeah, I got an eye twitch. It seemed to back off when I neglected to take my thyroid pill daily, so I was kind of self-medicating by not medicating, if that makes sense. Now I'm going to try and get back on top of taking pills and supplements and vitamins AND tracking my waking temperature and other stuff for a new form of au naturale birth control.

Yep. Big changes on the horizon. I'm freaking out now that we're starting to initiate birth control change procedures, but also excited for the change.

Changing up birth control is a big deal, especially when you're in a relationship. It's not just about my uterus! I have to consider the hubster's feelings and while he's apprehensive he's also hoping for some positive changes in my mood. When we first got together I was on OCPs and he had no idea when my cycle hit, nowadays he sees it coming before I realize I'm PMSing-so I guess the IUD has affected my period whether I knew it or not!

The main reason I'm getting the IUD removed and opting for non-hormonal, non-invasive birth control is my mood and overall health. But there is no guarantee what this will do if anything. No providers have offered up much commentary on my correlation between my depression and hormonal birth control (they both started up about the same time for me). Sure, it might not be related, but I can't drop it until I find out for sure. Enter, Fertility Awareness Method a la non-hormonal birth control.

Since I've become more interested in natural remedies and Eastern Medicine I've also become more interested in my natural cycle. From what I remember it isn't pleasant. Let's just say some women's Aunt Flos are skinny, whispers of womanhood while others are super obese. Unfortunately, mine is the latter. Oh the memories of traumatic teenage embarrassment!

But in the interest of holistic wellness and a more natural attempt at healthy living rather than psychoactive, I will bear whatever aunt comes a-knockin. With the assistance of Costco and my favorite feminine hygiene products, I'm sure. You would not believe the drastic effects of an IUD on a woman's flow, I'm talking next to nothing. They're probably come out with self-unwrapping pads by now and I wouldn't know it! Haven't had to bother shopping for 'em!

Also had some developing news regarding the insurance debacle earlier this summer. I had gone cold turkey not seeing any providers this summer and just the past couple weeks have heard back from those providers about becoming covered under the current insurance. Well, it's going to change again in January. Seriously.

I've been doing pretty well and won't be resuming my weekly check-ups by any means but I did feel good about making an appointment with my therapist for November. It will mean a complete restart but I think I'm in a different place, so starting over won't be a bad thing. Definitely need to work on anxiety crapola though! Me after a meet 'n greet is such a downer, even when I get hired! Crazy!

In other news, the household (well the furry members) are enduring a late-fall flea outbreak caused by the warmer weather here in the PNW. We've medicated and are in the process of extra cleaning and bed washes. The cats have oily treatment slicks between their shoulders and Fio is getting Benadryl to ward off the obnoxious itching fits. Yay family fun. Not.

I also started a Twitter account. We'll see how that goes! I got one of them fancy "buttons" added to the blog sidebar if anyone wants to follow and see what comes up day-to-day in Hannahland.