Motherhood

Deciding when to have kids is a complex choice. That decision is further complicated when you are living with a mental illness and further complicated again when you're broadsided a biological clock type hormonal hurricane.

The hubster and I have known that we want kids for as long as we can remember. While I went through a period in my teens/early twenties when I thought that I would be a crazy cat-lady spinster, deep down I have always held close my desire to be a mother. Part of our commitment to each other and of our marriage is becoming parents and making a family together. While we were dating, we weren't just looking for husband or wife material, we were looking for co-parent material.

Of course, when we met we had no idea what the future would hold for us and had no idea what my illness would put us through. During my lowest points and ongoing recovery, my husband has been the holder of our dreams. Not putting any pressure on me and my recovery, but protecting our shared goals and keeping his eyes on the prize. His dedication to our parenthood goals has given me a new perspective of "keeping the faith."

There have been moments, during the lowest times, when I contemplated permanent birth control. Abandoning my dreams of motherhood because of my illness, afraid of what my sickness could mean for potential children. It felt like a suicide of sorts. The hubby recalls those times and remembers knowing that I was irrational but also being saddened, hearing me talking about myself as if I were "subhuman."

The realities of my disease can be grim, but I must also remember that it is a manageable illness. Some diabetics struggle to accept the realities of their disease, attempt to live life as though they are "normal" and put themselves in the hospital with diabetic shock or ketoacidosis. This is just as true for me. I have been lulled into a false sense of security and let my disease degenerate into life threatening situations. That is something I can control. 

On-going stability is something I can manage and improve, but sudden episodes may always be a threat. All the preparation in the world cannot safeguard one against the unpredictable. Just like a diabetic may be caught off-guard without insulin or in a situation where they miss meals, I can be caught off-guard by unfortunate circumstance and launched into a crisis. That is a risk that I must live with, I must accept. It is a permanent specter, a haunting fear that I must heed but not allow control over my life. Living from fear will not protect me from that which frightens me. 

I cannot let fear affect my decision to have a family. Whether it is fear of my disease, failure, or simply fear of the unknown. It is physically, mentally, and emotionally impossible for me to cower and concede to fear. My brain tells me that it's reasonable, natural, hard-wired in me to want a family. My mind tells me that living from fear is wrong, that anything pursued with an open, honest, loving heart is a worthy pursuit. My physical being yearns for motherhood, contriving with my hormones and emotions a dastardly manipulative campaign, a siege on all my senses and sense!

So what does all this mean for me and my husband right now? 

Well, since November I have been off hormonal birth control. We are using alternate birth control and not actively trying to conceive, but parenthood has come up more and more. Being planners, the hubby and I have devised financial and health goals with various benchmarks related to our parenthood plans but have found ourselves confronted with emotional challenges. 

I recently confessed to my husband that as much as I understand and accept the reasonable plans and goals we've devised,  I cannot conclusively postpone my desires. My being continuously returns to motherhood. Any logical argument or fact cannot distract me from these emotions. Trying to hide this seemingly irrational compulsion has been quiet torture. The hubby was at a loss and did some Googling after a particularly tearful discussion and discovered a helpful article online. 

It wasn't completely relevant to us, but it made him realize that planning parenthood isn't as straightforward and clean cut as a business transaction. Trying to be responsible, smart, and cautious we neglected the heart of things. We shied away from the messy emotional stuff, the irrational and intangible. That sassy article gave him a new perspective and helped us broaden our conversation. It also opened our eyes to how complex the emotions of waiting to have kids can become.

Unfortunately, that opening affect also compromised an emotional dike I had built inside and I found myself going a little bonkers! Maybe hysterical is a better word than bonkers. I've found that accepting the feelings, reassuring myself that they will pass, and not trying to ignore them helps and thankfully the hubby is more understanding. We've also realized that intimacy is a little complicated by this. After a sobbing fit post-nookie a few days ago, I realized that when I'm craving conception the "just for fun" stuff becomes an emotional land mine.

We are surviving. Coping with my "baby crazy" is uncomfortable and complicated, but in light of our past emotional accomplishments and crisis management, we feel up to the challenge. I guess this is another example of how hormonal birth control affected me more than I thought, blunting the emotional and hormonal messages in my body it made "baby fever" more manageable! 

The Deep Freeze

Washington has been uber chilly lately but no snow for us just yet. But let me tell you, I've been scraping my share of iced windshields!

Ornament season has been in full swing with most of my days involving time personalizing. Today is an exception.

Last year was really intense for me during ornament season. I felt like I was the only personalizer and was under a lot of pressure to do EVERYTHING. I had some days that were over 12 hours long! I had some days where I didn't come home at night, I just came home in the morning!

It was not good for me, so this year I've been trying to work with my boss and taper my self-sacrificing work hours a bit. It feels odd for me to say no, and it feels odd for me to have a full day off without ornaments as I do today!

But here I am. Having time to blog some thoughts after sleeping in and sipping some hot coffee (it's Starbucks Christmas Blend, the hubster and I are really into it this year and we NEVER have Starbucks beans in the house, very odd). Today the hubby and I are going to a play down in Seattle and this morning I may get a pedicure or manicure, maybe even read a book for the first time in weeks! A day off. :)

In other news, the hubby and I have been reeling over news from my friend about her marital strife. It's not looking good. I can't believe how clueless I am sometimes! Although I must admit being naive feels so much better than being aware of the agony taking place not so far removed from my own life.

It's sad that we consider ourselves such close friends and yet I seem to know so little of her daily struggles... We've always been stoic, Mrs. Fix-it types. Both of us oldest children in families of five, both of us perfectionists, self-sacrificing, and avid minimizers when it comes to our personal hardships. We're always there for each other but we don't talk often enough, don't share often enough, don't trust often enough. I'm hoping that will improve and I will work toward that goal.

For now though, the hubster and I are trying not to get too involved. It is too stressful and we feel too helpless. All we can do is hope and send good vibes to them and their families while trying to stay neutral and supportive!

In other, other news I've had my first full-blown period since the IUD removal! Quite a change, I will say. Sent me right back to middle school when I was horrified to bleed over my pad and through my pants. Yes. Very emotionally scarring time in my life.... I am now armed with heavy duty tampons and the self-awareness to cope with the heavy flow but wouldn't ya know it, I bled over and made a mess anyway. It's been such a long time since a real period for me I just didn't know when to expect what. Next month I will be prepared!

Starting to realize how much hormonal birth control has affected my life, not just in tapering my flow for so many years but just how much it as altered my natural state!

Anyways, more on menstruation later-time for day-off breakfast with the hubby!

Happy Saturday fellow day-offers!

Change Of Pace

Tis the season for ornament work and I am feeling the adjustment period. I can't believe it's already been a year and that I was personalizing ornaments for over ten hours straight without losing my mind last season! This year I'm more aware of the breaking in period and feeling my tolerance grow while remaining aware of my self-care.

Yes, those snowmen are making
s'mores!

That said this past week wasn't a stellar example of personal responsibility. I was able to eat breakfast most days but failed to pack a lunch all week. I remembered a snack a couple of times and have been drinking water while I work, even calling it a day when I start feeling burnt out but before I go nuclear. I know things will only get busier, especially after Black Friday and Cyber Monday, so getting into a lunch habit now will help me prepare for the extra pressure.

Goal set! Lunch everyday at least three times this next week.

Resuming a regular work schedule isn't the only change of pace, I've been adjusting to post-IUD life and tracking my waking temperature for a new type of birth control.  So far I really enjoy it. 

That's an odd thing to say about waking up around 5:00 am everyday to take your temperature, but I have a special affection for "mystery prizes" like quarter machine toys or concealed design mystery items, so having a different temperature every morning satisfies a weird gambling/surprise/mystery urge for me.

The whole "natural birth control" thing is really Fertility Awareness Method, a similar type of birth control to Natural Family Planning although unlike devout Catholics, we're allowed to use barrier methods in addition to tracking fertility. The basic gist involves tracking my waking temperature to monitor ovulation habits and my general menstrual cycle habits as well as tracking cervical fluid to calculate potential fertility and in turn likelihood of pregnancy. 

My DO didn't have a lot of positive things to say about the practice, which I can understand. Every type of birth control has its limitations. For FAM to be effective users have to utilize sympto-thermal tracking and practice discipline when planning unprotected sex. Adding condoms to the mix improves effectiveness. 

As it is, we're on a condom regimen until we've had a few successful months of tracking and gained confidence in the FAM rules and methods. We just have to wait and see if this technique will work for us and if the non-hormonal birth control really improves my mood.

So far I've felt great! I don't think that can be wholly attributed to the IUD removal, but I don't think it hurts. Time will tell.

And I don't necessarily think my crying episode after sex earlier this week was a negative thing... Just out of the ordinary. We think it was hormones. 

Yikes! It was not pretty crying either, totally out of my control and my face contorted into a half-laughing, half-sobbing look that was pretty confusing for my poor husband. Not that I had a total grasp of the situation either.

I think part of it was me feeling guilty about changing up our birth control situation and placing more responsibility on the hubby. An IUD is pretty carefree as far as birth control goes! The hubster reassured me that he was supportive and that we are working together to manage our fertility. He even mentioned some positive changes in my mood since the removal. I felt better, I felt encouraged, and hopefully next time I won't end up sobbing!

As I said, time will tell.

In other news, the battle of the flea-splosion continues and we aren't exactly happy with the effectiveness of our flea treatments so far. Topical ointment and flea baths for the animals and still flea hitchhikers are being dropped all over the apartment. Looks like a second round of baths is coming our way and I'm not looking forward to it.

Friday Roller Coaster

Today was my IUD removal and while the procedure itself wasn't noteworthy, the experience and my reaction is worth mentioning.

My appointment was at 10:00 am and I really didn't want to get out of bed. Mostly because I slept better those few hours after the hubby left than I have all week! While I didn't eat a good breakfast (munched a piece of dry toast) I did feed and pill the cats, feed and poop the dog, and remember to down a few ibuprofen before the appointment-just in case.

The wait was usual, about ten minutes past my appointment time. Of course, they had me wait nearly another ten minutes after I had undressed from the waist down. So nice how they request you get indecent and then make you wait around, awkwardly bare-ass on the paper lined exam table with a perfectly proportioned-to-be-useless scrap of drape.

I was happy to see the same nurse I had last time. She was cheerful and witty and generally pleasant. My DO on the other hand seemed skeptical with a veneer of supportive doctor. Not exactly the type of supportive provider I'm used to having.

Before the procedure the DO chatted a bit, made sure I was ready to go type of thing. She mentioned some of her colleagues had seen positive changes for their patients after removing hormonal birth control from their systems, that even the low doses of progesterone had affected their moods. But the main gist of her spiel was Natural Family Planning, Fertility Awareness Method or any other sympto-thermal birth control is basically playing with a loaded gun.

I suppose if I said we were planning to augment our natural birth control with barrier methods she would've been appeased, but I just didn't feel like saying the word "condoms." She on the other hand kept coming back to it and I felt like a teenager being scared off sex by the threat of unplanned pregnancies.

While she said some supportive things, the overall feeling I got was she expected me back with an unplanned pregnancy very soon. Not exactly what I would call supportive.

Anyways, the procedure was seamless. No signs that my device was embedded at all. All I felt was the usual speculum ratcheting and a little crampy traction as she pulled the IUD out by it's strings with forceps. Nothing worse than an annual exam when they tickle your cervix with the fuzzy tipped tools and spatulas.

I remember her parting words tinged with warning, almost like a schoolmarm shaking her finger at the kiddies playing rough at recess, "You are fertile as of today."

I don't doubt that I made the right decision. I feel better already knowing that my uterus is unoccupied and while I'm a little nervous about the increased risk of unplanned pregnancy I'm excited to be hormone free. But the doctor's words and attitude, intended or not, greatly affected me and my mood, sending me on an emotional roller coaster after my appointment.

At first I was simply befuddled. I was happy, already feeling better noticing my nearly daily cramps subsiding but also angry and frustrated, hurt by my doctor's words and confused at my reaction. I felt insulted, I felt scared, I felt doubt and doubted.

Poor hubby, he walked in home from work and became a lightning rod for all my turbulent emotions. He played his cards right and got me out on a walk, historically a tried and true method for rooting out problems and getting me talking. By the time we showered I had ranted and raged to a point when I began to get a grip on my thoughts.


Unfortunately part of my process involved snapping at the hubster like a handful of Snap-n-Pops and eventually I burrowed into a pile of blankets to finish reflecting on my own and eased into a lovely afternoon nap.

Here's what I came up with.

I think I'm in the midst of a big "growing up" phase and still learning to make my own decisions and take responsibility for my own actions. I first started taking oral contraceptives at my mother's bidding (from what I remember I was 15 1/2 or 16) in order to rein in my heavy flow. I don't regret taking those pills or hold it against my mom for putting me on them, but I don't think it was really my decision. I don't think I was mature or educated enough to make that decision at 16.

Without me knowing it, decided to have my IUD removed and having the procedure done brought back those teenage memories. The doctor's skeptical words triggered my insecurities and I fell into an eddy of self-doubt and anxiety. Years of following Mom's orders (spoken and implied) has insulated me from consequences and ownership. Today marked the beginning of a new era.

I'm going against my indoctrination, society's message that smart, modern women use birth control and have careers while babies are a secondary goal relegated to your thirties, after you've polished a cookie cutter home to Better Homes and Gardens standards. That message has been floating around in my psyche for years and the birth control pills I started taking as a teenager just reinforced the programming.

NYMag.com article photo. Sure, I'm pro gender
equality, but I hate the pressure I feel to "wear
the pants" to do right by women's lib instead
of doing what's right for me, whatever
gender role my dreams may fit!

Brene Brown's books are a good resource when hashing out these internal schemas. She mentions something along the lines that once our minds form certain beliefs, they begin interpreting the world in a way to support those beliefs, good or bad. Well, getting this IUD removed and going "granola" AKA hormone-free goes against what I've lived towards for many years.

I'm on the cusp of releasing those old beliefs and creating my own world. Without trust, faith, and confidence in myself it sure makes for a rough transition! The doctor's doubts spoke to my own insecurities and set my panic center into overdrive. I'm the only one who knows what's best for me and it's my responsibility to myself to do what's in my best interest and advocate for my rights to do so.

But boy, this path comes with some tall hurdles! I have to process the anger and betrayal I feel toward myself, my family, and my society. I need to cultivate and protect my self-trust, self-respect, self-confidence, and self-esteem. I need to develop coping techniques to process judgement and doubt, from internal and external sources.

A lot of changes on the horizon, and I'm not just talking about my uterus. ;)

Wellness Update

Had a check-up with DO last Friday and had to do some lab work for my thyroid. She lowered my dose a little bit and recommended I get back to taking my Vitamin D daily to help with my eye twitch.

Yeah, I got an eye twitch. It seemed to back off when I neglected to take my thyroid pill daily, so I was kind of self-medicating by not medicating, if that makes sense. Now I'm going to try and get back on top of taking pills and supplements and vitamins AND tracking my waking temperature and other stuff for a new form of au naturale birth control.

Yep. Big changes on the horizon. I'm freaking out now that we're starting to initiate birth control change procedures, but also excited for the change.

Changing up birth control is a big deal, especially when you're in a relationship. It's not just about my uterus! I have to consider the hubster's feelings and while he's apprehensive he's also hoping for some positive changes in my mood. When we first got together I was on OCPs and he had no idea when my cycle hit, nowadays he sees it coming before I realize I'm PMSing-so I guess the IUD has affected my period whether I knew it or not!

The main reason I'm getting the IUD removed and opting for non-hormonal, non-invasive birth control is my mood and overall health. But there is no guarantee what this will do if anything. No providers have offered up much commentary on my correlation between my depression and hormonal birth control (they both started up about the same time for me). Sure, it might not be related, but I can't drop it until I find out for sure. Enter, Fertility Awareness Method a la non-hormonal birth control.

Since I've become more interested in natural remedies and Eastern Medicine I've also become more interested in my natural cycle. From what I remember it isn't pleasant. Let's just say some women's Aunt Flos are skinny, whispers of womanhood while others are super obese. Unfortunately, mine is the latter. Oh the memories of traumatic teenage embarrassment!

But in the interest of holistic wellness and a more natural attempt at healthy living rather than psychoactive, I will bear whatever aunt comes a-knockin. With the assistance of Costco and my favorite feminine hygiene products, I'm sure. You would not believe the drastic effects of an IUD on a woman's flow, I'm talking next to nothing. They're probably come out with self-unwrapping pads by now and I wouldn't know it! Haven't had to bother shopping for 'em!

Also had some developing news regarding the insurance debacle earlier this summer. I had gone cold turkey not seeing any providers this summer and just the past couple weeks have heard back from those providers about becoming covered under the current insurance. Well, it's going to change again in January. Seriously.

I've been doing pretty well and won't be resuming my weekly check-ups by any means but I did feel good about making an appointment with my therapist for November. It will mean a complete restart but I think I'm in a different place, so starting over won't be a bad thing. Definitely need to work on anxiety crapola though! Me after a meet 'n greet is such a downer, even when I get hired! Crazy!

In other news, the household (well the furry members) are enduring a late-fall flea outbreak caused by the warmer weather here in the PNW. We've medicated and are in the process of extra cleaning and bed washes. The cats have oily treatment slicks between their shoulders and Fio is getting Benadryl to ward off the obnoxious itching fits. Yay family fun. Not.

I also started a Twitter account. We'll see how that goes! I got one of them fancy "buttons" added to the blog sidebar if anyone wants to follow and see what comes up day-to-day in Hannahland.

Update and Weird Dream

This weekend went over pretty well although yesterday I was purty exhausted.

Got to yoga today and put down a wad of cash for an 8-class punch card which afterwards I reckoned would've been cheaper if I'd just become a member of the club. I always get anxiety over "memberships." This club is non-profit and the membership gets you discounts for classes and in the end pans out to just be cheaper than non-member prices-but the Hannah-fear struck and I just handed over the extra cash to avoid any "strings."

Anywho-as for my status...

I think I'm going to up my dosage. I haven't been suicidal and I've been more stable, but I'm still depressed and unable to get out of the house very easily. I get more tired in the evening and get to sleep easier but have a tough time getting going in the morning and want to see if a higher dose can give me more of a kick in the pants.

In other health-related news, my IUD experiment is going pretty well. I had  light period last week but overall less bleeding and I went further between periods. So we'll see what develops, some women lose their periods entirely while on Mirena (wouldn't that be nice!).

I had a very weird dream last night that involved looking for a new apartment and then a strange walk alongside a lake with my dad. Sometimes we were walking, sometimes we were floating and there were tons of porcupines and skunks along the path.

At one point I picked up some skunk "poop" which was something like a jalapeno pepper filled with poo. I squeezed out the poo and rubbed it on a rock or tree and then took off a rubber glove to save the outer-poo-shell to give to my fiance.

I have no idea what that is about.

On the way back we saw lots of birds.Some were little but there were two large birds, one white crane with red feathers on its crown and then a larger predatory bird with grey and black streaks. That bird was a mixture of heron and hawk and had a large yellow eye that was behind a yellow false-eye, like those butterflies with eyes on their wings.

http://www.butterflyutopia.com/taenaris_catops.html

It was in the water and small bluebird-Stellar's Jay type birds were eating crusties from the side of the real eye. I remember saying that it reminded me of a raptor and it was a very intimidating bird-like it was a man eater bird!

Anyways, we made it past the scary bird and I had some garbage I had picked up in one hand and the skunk "poop" in the other when it started throbbing and pulsating and I dropped it partway in the water. I plucked it out of the water and threw it onto the path and the "poop" was bulging and stretching the rubber glove.

Soon there were a couple of long jack rabbit's legs stretching out of the wad of glove and poo and the poop casing transformed in to a grey, leggy rabbit!

Then I woke up. But it was a very detailed, awkward dream and I have no idea what my mind was getting at.  Any guesses???

Six Mini-Updates on the 6th of June

1) Had a troubling dream last night where my sister moved in with me (in this alternate-dream-universe I wasn't living with the fiance or he had left, not sure). In the dream I came home to an apartment strewn with belongings-hers and mine.

She seemed to occupying every space all at once! Pictures and stickers and clippings were stuck in clusters on walls around the apartment, half of my stuff was moved out of my room but she had her things half in mine and half in her assigned room. Then I tried to go to the computer to get into my email and she had switched the CPUs and everything was in gamer-speak with weird themed icons that I couldn't navigate.

At the end of the dream I was struggling to navigate what used to be my computer that had been infected with my sister's weird theming software. The alarm on my cell phone went off in the living room and I woke up-bewildered and troubled!

2) Visited the ER on Saturday after a sudden onset of intense cramps and hot flashes alternating with chills and goosebumps. Since I had the IUC inserted barely a week before we called the emergency line provided by Planned Parenthood in Bellingham and the doctor recommended I see someone immediately.

The fiance urged me out the door (I was reticent to get checked out without any insurance or money to pay a doctor) and we headed off to Swedish Medical Center's Mill Creek campus a few blocks away from our apartment. The ER was very nice and fancy and most of the nurses were friendly. The doc gave me the all clear and we headed home.

I was conflicted, relieved that I was all right but anxious about the impending bill and feeling like I hadn't really needed to see a doctor if I was indeed FINE! But in the end the fiance reassured me that when it comes to my health (especially a potential infection in my lady-plumbing) you can't take the risk of avoiding the doctor. My health is more important than any bill. Good man :o)

3) During a bubble bath reading session this weekend I experienced a sort of epiphany/vision. The book was dicussing Buddha Nature and in the middle of a sentence my mind exploded in imagery not directly related to the text.

The vision involved an early 20th century house with a booming garden. The house had been renovated into an office space and I was in a room/office with a "patient." I had the sense that there were other practitioners in the building and that we worked cooperatively with each other and each and somewhat different specialties.

The patient I was with was a young girl, maybe fourteen years old, and her mother had brought her in to "talk to someone." Apparently the girl was conflicted about her boyfriend and felt like he was stealing her time and isolating her from her friends and family (it wasn't that clear cut, but that was the gist of it). In the end we talked a little about her problems and then went to my "bubble room."

I'm pretty sure the "bubble room" came from the bubble bath I was sitting in at the time of the vision, but it was so much fun! There were big trays of water and bubbles and we sculpted and blew the bubbles around while talking about her life and worries. It was a little weird, but a powerful image.

I think it stemmed from my musings on vocation and thinking about my future lately, and it was such a clear cut image of myself at work that I was a little bowled over by the dream-skit. I talked to the fiance about it and I've also been looking into nursing and counselling careers, although I still find myself conflicted (someone who has been counseled herself, counseling others). Much to think about there...

4) Finally retrieved my bridesmaid dress from the back of the van and washed it in the bathtub today. I faintly remembered stowing something in one of the pockets and was able to remove a wad of tissue just before the pocket filled with water. I was quite happy to save myself from the frustrating desiccation of wet Kleenex!

5) The fiance and I enjoyed a delightful Sunday evening walk around the lake and spotted two big frogs in a water reservoir. I've never seen such a large frog in the wild and I was blown away. They were bigger than hockey pucks!

If we leave our bedroom window open we can hear the frogs croaking away all night. I've always wondered what they looked like and how big they must be to make that much noise-and now we know!

I can't help but think of the "frog rain" scene in Magnolia and how disgusting being bombarded by slimy, cold hunks of frog flesh.

6) The fiance and his hiking partner went to McClellan Butte this Sunday but their hike was cut short after a BEAR SIGHTING! A couple miles up the trail they heard big rustling up ahead. There was no one else parked at the trial head and after some shadowy movements they decided to abort mission and find another trail.

They ended up hiking Bandera peak instead and the fiance was pooped and burnt when he got home that afternoon. It was a very hot day and we think he must've wiped the sunscreen off his forehead after removing his baseball cap, because only his forehead was burnt but not the rest of his face. His arms and neck were pretty roasted as well, and it was kind of hard to sit near him without having my temperature escalate too!

A Few New Things

This week was a week for "new." New counselor, new birth control, and a new experience battling my acrylic nails.

First off-new counselor. I started to get anxious the night before my appointment. Tightness in my chest, clenching my jaw, and a slight headache. No matter how many times I meet a new counselor, I always get anxious. I hate to hear about depression being something you live with-not cure, and how I lost the genetic lottery. I also anticipate terrible, degrading comments or mocking questions-but in reality, I've never had someone treat me that way. Just my mind playing games.

This counselor works out of a church with Samaritan Counseling Centers-FLAG UP. I'm not religious and I hate awkward conversations where I'm made to be a heathen damned to hell because of my beliefs. Luckliy, I didn't run into this problem. SCC is affiliated with some churches, but they offer secular and non-secular counseling, and they are more affordable and flexible than regular counseling groups.

Even better-my counselor was cool and funny. He's a fellow English major turned shrink and he helped cheer me up but also get me focused on some of my hurdles in just the first session. He gave me the option to speak with him again and didn't make me feel like I was embarking on some lengthy counseling commitment. I'm very happy with the match and glad I didn't chicken out (I was screening his calls and avoiding making an appointment, but the fiance helped nudge me toward getting in-and I'm glad I did).

I have another appointment next week and I'm also looking into switching my medication as well. Although changing medication is an even more costly endeavor since first appointments at nearly any clinic run upwards of $200. Great.

Second new experience, changing from oral contraceptives to an intrauterine contraceptive (boys-avert your eyes if necessary!). I've had a few girlfriends interested in IUCs and we've all heard mostly terrible things about them-so I'm going to launch some information into the interbutts and hope to help a few people.

First off, an IUC is a little device inserted into the uterus through the cervix that helps regulate periods (if you get the medicated kind like I did) and also prevents pregnancy with the good ole 99.2-99.9% efficacy. Mine is called Mirena and looks like this:

This model is laced with hormones to help regulate periods and can sometimes halt bleeding altogether. It can be kept in the uterus for 5-7 years or taken out whenever you like. 

The other model is called ParaGard and is laced with copper (sperm poison) and can be kept in place for up to 12 years. This model does not have hormones and might be preferable to girls with sensitivities. It looks like this:

Those little strings on each device hang down through the cervix and into the vaginal cavity. They're similar to fishing line and help docs get the devices out and help you keep track that the device is still in place. 

Like any other BC the IUCs come with risks, I find them comparable to OCPs with the exception of additional risks during insertion. Check out WebMD for some info or hit up your local Planned Parenthood (shout out to Mt. Baker Planned Parenthood-they have awesome staff who are fun and informative!). 

Anywho-now for the real life experience stuff. May be a bit graphic-just sayin! After my first appointment to update my BC I mentioned I was interested in an IUC and they gave me a run down of benefits, risks, and the procedure. Still interested, I scheduled my insertion appointment for a couple weeks later. The fiance came along for my insertion and I think he was more nervous than I was and had a harder time during the procedure-not to say that I wasn't uncomfortable!

So ladies, if you've had a pelvic and you've had crampy periods-you'll have a good idea of what goes on. As a lady who doesn't have bad cramps, I found myself ill-prepared for the cramping during insertion, but all in all it wasn't too bad. 

First off the nurse checks to make sure you have a uterus and it's in the right spot. Then she opens you up with the speculum thing and cleans up your cervix with a few good swaps of iodine and some other stuff. Next is when it gets uncomfortable-the nurse has to pinch your cervix to create an opening to measure the uterus and insert the device. The pinch is uncomfortable but not unbearable-just like an intense cramp. The measuring got me a little nauseated and gave me a little heat flash and a little woozy. Concentrate on your breathing and it only takes a couple seconds. 

Good news! I have an average utereus! Just over 7cm :o)

After the measuring, prepare for the insertion. The nurse uses a special device that fits through your cervix and into the uterus, pushes out the IUC and then retracts. This can be pretty intense cramping, but between squeezing the fiance's hand, a soothing nurse at my side, and breathing steady it wasn't too bad and was over relatively quick. There were a couple of surprise "pops" when the device pushed the IUC out and retracted shut, but they didn't hurt. 

The nurse trims your strings, cleans ya up, and takes out the speculum and you're all set. They offered to let me lie down for a while, but I was fine right after the procedure, sat up, and we left within a few minutes to go get some Boomer's (drive-in burgers). 

I experienced cramping for the rest of the day and evening, but the next morning was back to normal. If you have bad cramps during you period anyways, it probably wouldn't bother you too much-I'm just a wee sissy in that regard because I don't have to deal with cramps on a regular basis! As for life with an IUC-I'll have to update ya'll on any changes. So far-I'm pleased with the choice. No more pill popping every night and my BC is taken care of for the next five years or so. SWEETNESS!

Lastly, I tried to remove my acrylic nails at home. I was warned not to do it and while I didn't try to rip them off I did inadvertently dye my fingertips blue. The internet said "soak in nail polish remover for 15-20 minutes then peel off" etc etc. No big deal-or so I thought. The special shellac top coat didn't budge and my fingers turned blue from my nail polish remover. Brilliant. In the end I gave up on the experiment and just trimmed the tips down and filed them smooth. 

Maybe I'll go to a nail salon and get them removed, or I'll keep my ugly nails to myself and wait for them to grow out. I look a little mutated from my removal effort. Oops.

As for the cats: Iroh and Millie got their nails trimmed today and are enjoying a midday nap at the moment. All is well on the home front, although our scratching post is in dire need of repairs!