Little bit of a stretch

It's been a little bit since I posted I guess!

BB had a great birthday and we just returned from visiting the hubster's parents for his mom's birthday next week. BB had a day off school and we squeezed in a trip picking him up early and missing Friday as well... not the most points for responsible parenting, but I think his mom needed a visit.

She's not doing well mentally because of my father-in-law's Parkinson's and how much it is affecting their lifestyle. Namely, she's in charge of nearly everything and can never leave the house. I don't know how bad it truly is, it's hard to say from hundreds of miles away and a few visits every year, but she's definitely upset. Understandable. 

We've tried to get her out of the house, agreed to pay for a nurse to check on Dad or even have the hubster stay there instead and let her travel ANYWHERE, but Hubs's dad refuses everything we offer to try and help. 

This weekend was a bit of a breakthrough because we got Hubs's dad to agree to try and process some paperwork to get home health care help. That way Mom can get some help with the house and hopefully escape for some retail therapy or something to restore herself. 

It's stressful. The hubs has a sister that lives near their parents, but she wants to move. I'm worried for what the future holds. The hubs cannot handle moving back and I wouldn't want to either, but the thought occurred to me... what if that sister moves? What then? Hubster said himself, big moves can tax elderly people and send them into a downward spiral and financially I don't think moving his folks down here would be feasible. It's just... it's just a what if. And really? I don't think I need to dwell on it. But it's there, and I mentioned it. So that helps a little. 

Anyways. Spring break is coming up and I have a trip planned to go to help out my sister after her surgery in April... but I did just accept an offer of employment to be an office assistant at an insurance claims office. I was SHOCKED when I got the offer call, but I think I'm happy. I mean, after that horrible job I left in December I'm jaded and scarred and a bit scared of any work situation, but I think this will be better than subbing and it helps the Hubs's stress a lot to have a steady stream of income, BUT he says if it isn't feeling good or not working, just quit. So. We shall see. It's a big company with legit HR forces, so I don't suspect I'm going to be faced with another emotionally dangerous narcissistic overlord, but who knows.

Just gotta dip a toe and see what the world is offering me now...

Back at Home Base

Back at home base after a trip north for Christmas. It's been a messy few days of sleeping in and bumbling around trying to be productive but really just... bumbling through. 

The trip north was surprisingly uneventful but draining. We landed very early, got a rental and drove four hours to the other side of the state to see the hub's parents. Then, a few days later, we drove back to the west side to see my family for about a week. It was a lot of socializing and Hubster was totally over it by the last few days. Unfortunately, my mom and I had already planned an early birthday party for him the morning of our departure. So, he suffered a bit more than necessary with an extra burst of visiting from my sibs and our nieces and nephews in addition to my folks that morning. But it was good for BB to see. his cousins one last time.

There was no drama. Very little tension. Not much new. It just... was. We decided that next year will include a shorter trip. It's just so exhausting being away from home that long with our families. A big ole cruise is a different sort of exhausting. but 10-days up north with family visits and holiday events. Too much for these old birds. Hehe

Hubs turned 40 yesterday. I made my first beef Wellington ever for him (per his request) and despite some emotional turbulence I made it through. The prosciutto was tearing, the duxelles wasn't fine enough, and I didn't like the sear on the beef, but it turned out delicious and not major leakage or soggy bottom! He was very happy. I was so concerned about a lame birthday that I had to take an Ativan, but he seemed content. I'm relieved. 

His real birthday celebration for himself is a marathon down in Arizona. He's going alone and I'm worried about him being in bad shape afterward like St. George marathon went. But he's going to go down Friday, run Saturday, and fly back super early Sunday. The best I can do is help him once he's home. 

Now that I've resigned from my assistant/receptionist position I'm feeling more money concerns. I jumped the gun getting things rolling for substituting around the local districts and I got myself into a little bit of a pickle. My district ID and email need to be activated for one district and I didn't do it before the holiday break. So now I think I have Monday to get activated, get into the system and do my trainings before issues arise and my employment is possibly preempted. So.. my bad. I just didn't have it in me to take care of it before the break and then the week of Christmas was Christmas! It just didn't happen. I think I needed to take more time after quitting before leaping into the subbing stuff. 

Anyway. We're home. We're going to find a new normal. We're going to hope 2026 brings some better days... and some snow! 

So... I guess that was that

Today I handed in my notice and said that my last day would be December 18th. The boss told me to leave on the spot. That he couldn't handle seeing me here anymore knowing that I was leaving. Something like, "I can't see you there... crying." Not exactly "I'd be crying" or "You would be crying." It was odd.

So that went pretty well considering what could've happened! There could've been yelling, it could've been almost two weeks of micro aggressions or retaliation. But no, I'm here at my fave cafe writing.

He said he'd pay me through the 18th (we'll see about that). My only hang up are the ladies I left behind and the clients that will never get help now. But it's not my circus. Not my monkeys. I gotta let it go.

In other news, I'm looking to start substitute teaching in the meantime and looking for something else that will work better for me. The hubs is supportive and glad we avoided a full relapse. Last week I went into work on Tuesday, promptly broke into tears, and had to leave for the day. The boss didn't see it, but I texted him that "I couldn't hang" and who knows what he assumed. I don't particularly care.

I am interested to see if he talks shit about me like he has the other people that have left. He really thought that I'd be happier once he sold payroll and the other workers were gone. I... that's not true. I never suggested that, I just didn't say anything when he said that he was thinking that it would be better.

Anyways. I'm looking more forward to holidays now, but still well aware that I have a winter to be skillful through and manage. I want this to be a positive break, a worthwhile gap in my employment history I suppose haha 

Side note: Thanksgiving went well, although both of my parents were struggling with injuries. My dad had a torn plantar tendon and my mom had something with a knee issue. She asked something I'm struggling to remember exactly, but can't recall the words she used. Something about what is it like seeing them struggling more to do stuff. Slowing down. I said something along the lines of that it was happening slowly, it doesn't seem dramatic, so it seems natural. 

I don't worry too much about them, except for what happens when they just can't be as active anymore. What happens when my dad can't do tennis? When mom can't do her cross stitch or take care of the grandkids how she wants? Those are what they love most. I don't know what their backup plans are. I hope they don't go stagnate like my in-laws. I hope the games continue and they stay sharp. I hope they still walk and take in scenery. 

The boys are good, although we are struggling to keep BB on track with school. The 504 meeting went well, but we didn't get the best vibes off one of the teachers. She seems... inflexible. Set in her ways. Old school. BB needs a little customization and she doesn't seem like she easily adjusts to strange kiddos -- which I say affectionately. There are different types and some are a puzzle, and BB is a puzzle. 

Hubs is looking for new gigs. He wants to move up and out. Not really management but more active and able to program his heart out. We shall see what happens! I am hopeful for him, but a little scared of change like usual. I want him to be happy, not change and be disappointed.

Farewell for now. All the best and hugs for everyone. 

Writer's Block Edition 1,213

 Okay, I probably haven't had writer's block 1,213 times in my life, but it feels like it today. 

I have writing group with some teacher friends on Saturday morning (which is going to be a busy day) and this might be my last chance to get something written before then unless I stay up late some day. 

The past few months I've written "Convo Exercises" where I focus mostly on dialogue and it's focused around the conflict between my parents and my sister (and to a certain extent her husband as well). It's been interesting, I certainly like writing dialogue and my sister is a fount of inspiration as usual--except for today. Just can't figure out where to go with the next convo. Who would be included? Would it remain about that conflict or branch out? 

My teacher buds had ideas that maybe I could string together several conversations into a little novelette or something and cover more than just the conflict and all the different angles. That said, I'm still frozen.

In addition, I've realized more and more just how different the realms of skill are between me and the rest of the group. The other two are much more versed in technique and better read and more complex. Their feedback is helpful and specific and backed up... I'm so dull in comparison. I haven't torn myself up about it too much, but I feel increasingly like a squeaky third wheel with my purpose being mainly social. A writing duo is different from a writing trio. With three you can call yourself a group, ya know?

In better news, I have an interview today. I'm hopeful but nervous. It's for a receptionist/personal assistant position at an accounting office. I don't have direct receptionist/personal assistant experience but feel qualified and that I would be able to meet expectations quickly. I've had to hit the ground running with teaching and this current position, learning so many systems and regulations quickly... I just have to convince the hiring team of this. 

Overall I usually have a good time at interviews, so hopefully it'll at least be a good meet up. 

My mother is coming down for BB's birthday in a couple weeks. I'm excited and plan to take his birthday day off to spend with my mom and prep for a celebration. His party is that following Saturday. Ten years old, can you believe it??? He's a cool kid. I'm so glad for him. Sure, he's got challenges and we struggle sometimes, but overall he's a joy and a quirky little entertainment and well of love.

At night when I turn off his light, I  say, "I love you."

He says, "I love you more."

I start to close the door and say, "I love you most."

He tries to counter with, "I love you most times infinity!"

"That's not how it works!"

Haha :o)

Really Almost Thanksgiving

 My folks decided to come down early and surprise me with an extra weekend of visiting time! The hubs and BB kept the secret and I was very happy. I was concerned about getting in all the activities we want to get done with only one weekend to accomplish the list. Now we have more time.

We love hosting Thanksgiving and I've been really grateful to have my folks come down the last few years and one of my sister-in-laws is going to be coming down too (same as last year). My parents really like her and how she ribs Hubster a bit-so they're excited too.

We got family photos done for Christmas cards today and I think they turned out pretty well for a rapid fire shoot. BB had some ideas of his own for poses. HA! Shocker! Not.

Work is going fine but I'm quite tired from the driving. I applied to a couple positions closer to home and had an interview on Thursday. We shall see... It wouldn't be an easy job I think but it would be WAY closer to home. A five minute commute might be worth it though.

This Christmas I won't be able to travel and I'll be home alone for a bit while the boy go up to Washington state. I think it'll be fine though. Just gotta remember to feed the cats and I'll be busy with a rowing challenge at the gym. Will be quiet though!

Hope everyone that celebrates Thanksgiving this Thursday has a wonderful holiday and if you don't-just have a wonderful day. 

Of course there's something going on...

This has been sitting my drafts for a few weeks. I'm just going to post it!

-------

Of course there's something going on with my family and, of course, it involves my sister. Unfortunately, it also involves her kids.

Lately my sister has taken to withholding the grandchildren from my parents. Why? Because they don't approve of the verbal abuse heaped upon the kids-mainly the oldest (the one from the college fling) while the younger of the boys doesn't seem to be degraded and disciplined as harshly (this one from the marriage with a different father). There is also another young one, a little girl less than 2, but she does not seem to be afflicted yet.

*NOTE* my parents don't use the term verbal abuse when talking about this, I do. 

My parents stood by for years and let my sister parent as she would and choose a husband that was verbally abusive to my oldest nephew from before they were married-when this child was only 2 or 3. He is known for taking him away and yelling fiercely into his face with insults and reprimands usually resulting in tears and flinches. 

He is NOT always the worst-in fact, he's a great guy when he's not overcome by his anger issues and emulating his father's parenting style. It is so sad how he criticizes his family for how he was raised, but doesn't seem to see the same mistakes repeating themselves in his parenting choices.

Well, a few months back things came to a head with my parents and my sister and her husband. My sister and her husband are known for FaceTimes and phone calls to my parents where they scream and complain-my mother handles it quite well and calmly I've been told (my brother witnessed one of the calls). She's born the brunt of the rage while my father only recently became directly involved after saying something in defense of my mother to my sister/brother-in-law. Now they're both in the ring.

It's sickening. I don't see children as currency and I don't see how it makes sense to withhold the kids from people that want them to be treated better. My sister takes the feedback quite personally (I can understand) and cannot stand to see the parents when the conflict escalates. Her husband is also quite torn up and I believe they both seek approval from my parents (which I believe makes everything worse but makes sense to me as well-I think if they didn't have seeds of doubt and seek approval they wouldn't be so bowled over my criticism). 

I don't know how it will resolve. My mother predicts that the oldest nephew will choose to live with his biological father at some point. He already tried to run away a couple years ago, but they got my mother on the phone with him to talk him down. I don't see the kids very often, though I've witnessed the issues at hand, but my mom is seeing changes-negative changes-in their behavior and psychological wellbeing. 

My sister has yet to ask my opinion. She's only ever asked if I've been told by our parents that that my "parenting is bad." I was honest, that I've received some feedback about not being involved enough, but I take it as feedback and I can see some truth in it even, but that's it. I think she knows that I don't approve of her parenting choices and I don't think she wants our parents' observations to be corroborated. 

Her defenses have included a statement like, "[husband] had it so much worse," which to me is an admission of guilt. She's told my parents that they're raising leaders and are strict with their kids, but there is a line there that we believe has been crossed. Strict doesn't have to be denigrating and abusive. Strict doesn't have to be yelling and insults.

It makes me sad. Emotional abuse doesn't leave visible marks and our society just doesn't have a way to intervene right now. I know what goes around will come around, but it's not about them getting their comeuppance-it's about those kids' futures.

All the while, and I know this might be selfish, I'm so glad to be these hundreds of miles away. It's hard enough to remain neutral and support my sister and my mother as best I can (my mom has emphasized many times she wants me to be there for my sister while she can't). 

Reflecting & Looking Ahead

Last night I pulled out my DBT work and went to work. Last week I reached out to my late aunt's partner about meeting up for the first time in years and anxiety set in as I looked ahead to the reintroduction. I decided to utilize some DBT skills in order to cope ahead as well as address some unresolved issues regarding my aunt.

Thing was, it was pretty tough trying to work through things that I didn't remember... so the hubs recommended that I look at the blog. Of course, we found a treasure trove of resources just by searching one word. I was amazed. Reflecting brought back some memories and also reminded me that it's something of a blessing to forget some things.

I was also a little wistful. I used to write so much! And I had a community here. Not sure what happened as far as fading away but I'm considering fading back in. I started another blog (very recently) and now I'm conflicted about reviving this one. My sister made some comment about knowing about a blog and it scared me, but that was years ago now.

I don't know right now. That's okay.

But it feels good to let these fingers fly...

Be well. :o)

"Ahh" & "Argh"

I finished my observation hours yesterday for my Master's of Arts in Teaching. Over 75 hours observing teachers in action over a month, an arrangement hastily devised on short notice due to my oddly paced schooling.

It was quite stressful for me arranging the observation hours as well as making the transition into such a busy, different schedule and maintaining that schedule/lifestyle change for the month. Lots of driving, frantic meals, messy home space, and bickering with the boys. As aware as I was that I was over-stressed and not able to effectively cope and interact with the hubs and Baby Bananaface, there was/is still some grating there.

Hubster is stressed by his commute and the challenge and effort required by a more demanding job. BB is probably stressed himself by the energy in the house and jostling between daycare and time with Grandma... he's been having some odd potty issues.

This morning, for instance, he took of his pj pants and nighttime nappy (Pull-ups) and instead of going to the toilet as he had been doing for months he grabbed some clothes out of his closet, tossed them on the floor, and pissed on them.

WHAT

THE

HELL

?

This isn't the first time either... he has been doing this "pee on the clothes" thing and even peed in his desk. With my chaos I haven't been able to focus much on it. Now that I'm wrapping up this observation project I'm shifting focus to BB.

Anyhow. You may be able to tell from these flustered words that I'm feeling a bit hair-brained. An "ahh" from finishing the observation hours, and an "argh" for the transition ahead and mothering challenges.

One thing at a time. I know this. Yet my brain keeps leaping around like some caffeine-charged parkour clown.

School. The Hubs. Baby Bananaface. CrossFit. Weight loss. Muscle gain. Better food  choices for out family. Friends. Family. Relax. Work. Treatment. Appointments. Heat. Sun. Burns. Sweat.

I know it's the right thing to take breaks, do puzzles, watch goofy TV shows and drink water... still I feel frantic. It's time for settling down. Transitioning. Trusting the calm again.

It's time to take time.

One thing at a time.



Thinking of you, Hannah :o)

Which button do I...

...push?

Wow. It's been so long! Life has been keeping me quite busy.

BB rollin' out one morning, he loves to accessorize!

 The hubs is still out of work and it's been a blessing considering we're still doing ECT once a week and he has to chauffeur me about that day and day after. Baby Bananaface is quite a handful lately with another language explosion of late along with some more forceful expression even when it's gibberish (take this morning when he yelled over-and-over, "MUSHROOM! MUSHROOM?" as I loaded him into the car after CrossFit, I'm glad he enjoys mushroom hunts, just not sure the entire zipcode needs to know about it).

Painting w/ mom (whoa, that's weird to type!)

Apparently baking biscotti is a full-contact sport

Oh, today is my birthday. As is the new tradition of sorts I made thank you notes and treats for a few special folks, namely my CrossFit crew. I brought three different types of biscotti (almond lemon, cocoa honey almond, almond cardamom) and my favorite almond joy bran muffins. I just love me a bran muffin. Screw birthday cake, give me the muffins. Threw some cardamom in those too! Hot damn!

Like I said, things have been kinda hectic so I didn't make and send out as many 'Thank Yous' as I could've. As such, thank you to all of you in this marvelous blogging community. I wish we had been seeing more of each other of late!

Overall, things are on an upward trend but there have been some tough days. Yesterday or the day before I found myself sitting on the hubster's lap and crying, completely drained and disheartened. Sure, there was a specific cause at that moment, I think it was overall an overwhelmation (new word there). I'm still having to take it slow even on the good days.

Comin' out of ECT

Headed into ECT

The hubs and I have been enjoying more movie/TV time together in the evening. Cuddling up or playing cards (this new one called "Snappy Dresser" is pretty good, even for two folks). I've been able to laugh and happy cry and handle the emotions of a movie, so that's good. And, as always, The Great British Baking Show is always a good fall back.

*sigh*

That's all I've got for now. I need to hydrate, I got my heating pad on my lady business (started my period right after the warm-up run this morning! happy birthday!). It's time for some pleasant TV and perhaps a bit of chocolate....

Hugs and happiness and best hope to you all... It's a blue-skied brisk type of day here and I hope everyone else has decent weather themselves.

<3

Drawing for a CrossFit friend, I asked
for quotes to inspire me and sketched
whatever came to mind.

Artwork I did for a CrossFit friend

Little Interview....

My brain is pretty scrambled, but I think I can manage this little interview I found over at Joey's Pad.

Here are the 6 questions for this week:


1. Tradition...how tightly do you cling to tradition when it comes to holiday gatherings and celebrations? For instance do you always do the cooking, never eat at home, always go to grandma's, never miss the parade, always watch football, never change the menu, always eat at 2 PM, etc.? Have you ever celebrated Christmas or Thanksgiving away from hearth, home, and family? How did that feel?

I used to be much more attached to traditions. Now that the hubs and I are developing our own, things have become loosey-goosey. I tried to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and we agitated and repulsed and bored. I no longer feel compelled to bake for days on end-certainly not seasonal items that I don't even like much and are "have-tos." Fuck "have-tos." (Yes, I'm cranky)

I celebrated Thanksgiving on my own this year. Well, not really celebrated, I was just home, alone, on that day. It felt strange and a little lonely at first, then I started a to-do list and went with the flow. It was nice to have no strings!

Wondering what the future holds for our traditions... I love to host and holidays are also deeply personal to me. Being unable to accommodate my in-laws and not wanting my family around complicates things! IDK We shall see. 

I know I wanna do advent calendar and the pickle with BB for sure though :o)


2. Help...is it easy for you to ask for help or are you a do-it-yourselfer? How is that a good/bad thing?

I'm mostly a do-it-yourselfer although I quite often ask people instead of Googling something for myself, which can be a bit opposite... anyways. It's usually a good thing-I get things done. It can be really bad when I shame myself not being capable or wanting help and struggling when my inner voice tells me to suck it up. More and more I am asking for help or delegating and saying "no." I like it :o)


3. Abundance...what is there an abundance of in your kitchen?

Spices. And white washcloths. 


4. Name...the smallest thing you're thankful for? the biggest?

Smallest: Atoms.

Biggest: Love.


5. Key...What do you think is the key to living a more grateful life?

Mindfulness and releasing judgments and embracing the perspective that everything in our world exists on a spectrum. I don't think I'm exactly practicing gratitude when I practice radical acceptance and police my judgments, although I think it facilitates a more grateful and satisfying life for me. So I'm gonna stick with that.


6. State your own random thought here.

It's okay that I struggle with certain symptoms of my disorders... I've been self-conscious recently about my difficulty gauging proper social boundaries and trying to conduct myself in "appropriate" ways and holding my tongue or not sharing my true feelings or thoughts. I'm coming to a place where I'm okay not knowing what to do. Over the years, I might pick up on more things. If not, okay. I am who/what I am. I'm not my disorder, and still, it's part of me. That's okay. I don't have to mold myself to a cultural standard. I can just do me. People love and accept me for that, and those that don't-screw 'em.

That said, I'm gonna try to not be quite as vulgar in public... ;o)


Thinking of you all and hoping you're well! I managed to read a couple blogs just now and now I need to get away from computers for a bit.

Be well :o)

Hi Again

It's been a little over a week now since the hubster got laid off.

It's been rocky and at sometimes suspiciously smooth. A confusing mash of understanding and support jumbled up with grief and misdirected anger.

Already having been in the midst of a recovery period and trying to regain some of the balance I lost during the summer living with my family makes me feel more vulnerable. Not that unemployment at any stage of stability wouldn't be a nuke on anyone's life.

There has been some down swings along with a few upswings. The more problematic symptom has been anger. Outbursts, violence, bickering, and eventually the shame and sadness that usually follow my angry moments.

Thankfully the violence has been limited to slamming my fists on a table, flicking or throwing something (not at anyone or to break anything), and yelling. It's still embarrassing and I know that it stresses Baby Bananaface. The hubs and I aren't used to this level of... angst and expression. Being the types that don't just let things lie means that we struggle to shelve things in order to discuss them in a more appropriate way. Things just erupt wherever and whenever.

Even during these rough times, we know that we are committed to one another and strive to improve. We know things will get there. Baby steps.

The holidays are coming.

My nephew's birthday is Saturday. We haven't heard of any party or anything. Wouldn't be surprised if we weren't invited, or invited last minute with the hope of us not being able to make it sort of thing.

We are going to send him a gift and card in the mail tomorrow, just in case.

The journeys across state for Thanksgiving and Christmas are a little worrying. Expenses and potty training complicate things. Our little commuter car isn't something we like to drive over the pass-let alone put more miles on-and we hate to spend money on a rental right now. We shall see how things work out.


Off to errands and chores.

Thank you for commenting! I'm sorry that I can't respond to everyone lately or read around. I do miss everyone and look forward to catching up more thoroughly soon :o)

Hi Again

It's been awhile. Life has been whirling and I've been day-to-day, focusing on staying steady.

Feels strange to be on this screen again... familiar and yet not quite cozy. I'm going to try something a little different and we'll see what happens as I write this update!


A) AMBIGUITY - This is always a part of life and lately I've had a few scenarios in which I have had to mindfully accept ambiguity.

One has to do with CrossFit and a coach there. I have been experiencing anxiety wondering if she will be at the gym or if she will punish us before class or say something mean or look at me in that uniquely punitive and demeaning fashion.

That's my safe space and it's being threatened. I am not sure if she is simply going through a rough time (and even so I'm not sure if I can manage to empathize enough to counter balance my distress) or if this is just how she is going to be. I have considered trying other class times but fear losing connection with my new friends... we shall see.

Another case of ambiguity relates to my husband's family. There has been conflict between the siblings on-and-off for years. At the moment there seems to be a flare up regarding his brother. We had a good visit with him and his daughter and plan to maintain a neutral position while the sisters muster their forces.

There had been plans for the entire family to get together this Christmas. Now that's in the air. I don't like ambiguity with big holidays or events, so I hope it gets ironed out soon regardless of the plan-I just need to know!


B) BRIGHT EYES - I got some good news!

I have applied for grad school in order to obtain a Master's in Teaching-English. I didn't realize at the time that my individual classes would be evaluated and that my degree all by itself wasn't a golden ticket! When the enrollment counselor mentioned this I was very anxious to see if my classes would meet prerequisite requirements and whether or not I would have many courses to complete before my program classwork could commence.

Well, the evaluation came back and I was only short three requirements. I submitted course descriptions and syllabi and got two of those classes applied as well! All that remains is a public communications class because I decided to take "Interpersonal Communication" during high school instead of a 101 class...

Whatever. I am quite pleased! My hope of beginning the program before the year still glimmers... with a self-paced class I should be able to bang out that public speaking credit pretty durn quick.


C) CONFLICT - While things have simmered a bit in regards to my living situation, there has been increased tension between my folks.

It seems to be cooling a bit now. Last week it was more troublesome. My mother usually stuffs her frustrations with  my father and his consistent absence and neglect. Every once in a while she will boil over and this time that meant bickering with my dad as well as snapping at my sister and generally losing her cool.

The conflict is stressful for me even if I'm not directly involved. As far as tension with the hubs and I directly, things have been pretty quiet. We gave notice and have a moving date and I think everyone has just been biding their time. Awkward at times, but better overall.


D) DAGNABBIT - I am still navigating injuries. My shoulder and some wee tendons/muscles in my upper arm are bothering me on my right side. My right ankle is still healing up. My left shoulder/arm are still bothering me in regards to my thoracic outlet syndrome (numbness, tingling, weakness). I am also quite tense in my chest and shoulders which means icing and heating pad and stretching and... ugh. It's one thing dialing it down at gym, it's another when just LIVING is a challenge and uncomfy/painful.

Another dagnabbit... had a panic attack today. Damn box jumps. Wasn't completely awful. Couple minutes running cold water over my wrists and splashing my face, mindful breathing, and censoring judgments helped get me back to right.


Well. I have to get ready for my occupational therapy appointment now. I hope that I can make more time for blogging and not only read and comment but post more too! It's... it's good. Need to get back on this horse!

Thanks for being here readers-TTFN :o)

Identities

I'm sure I've written about this before here. It comes up rather often for me, so it may just be a recurring theme in my life! As the hubster just comforted me, "It's the BPD. You have identity issues." That's okay.

So.

This morning as the hubster, Baby Bananaface, and I were eating brekkie we overheard my sister talking to her baby daddy about their mutual birthday gift idea for my nephew. He'll be turning two this fall and they've decided to go in on a motorized miniature Humvee for him. Not our style or something we see as appropriate for a child that age (or even BB's age).

Shortly thereafter I was in the shower and found myself playing out a scene in my head. It got me wondering if my sister sees our different parenting styles in a competitive light. I hope this isn't so as much as I struggle with insecurity and competitiveness, so I understand how she might feel.

The competitive conflict triggered my identity insecurities. While the initial trigger was related to parenting styles, I found myself thinking about my labels. I have embodied a klutzy fat girl persona for so many years it seems as much a part of me as my "Eeyore" identity in my family.

These labels, these judgments, stem from comparison and either/or thinking. In my case, the teasing and criticism over the years has reinforced and amplified these issues; I believe it's a symptom of my family's insecurities...

I've been seeing it come up at my gym among other places. Living with my family has made it extremely hard to avoid backsliding into those negative cycles and cowing to their teasing. I know part of me is my humor, there are more and more times of late when it comes up as a defense mechanism. Being around my family has made me slip back into my klutzy, fat girl routine. Even if I don't finish last or lift the lightest weight, I feel like the CrossFit caboose. I play down my abilities, doubt myself, and get caught up in chronic comparisons.

The constant internal critiquing is exhausting and debilitating. I had made a lot of progress with my self-confidence the past several months before moving here. Lately, it's been hard to stay comfortable in my body and appreciate the changes since I started working out.

My family may be varsity athletes, collegiate-level athletes, and nationally ranked athletes. That doesn't mean that I can't be athletic too.

I suffer from chronic depressive episodes. That doesn't mean that I can't be a happy person.

I carry extra weight. That doesn't mean that I have to ashamed and self-conscious.

There are so many negative habits from my first family that I have to fight back. These are just some of those habits that have become tangled up in my disorders.

It can be so confusing and destabilizing! No wonder I have to write it out from time to time ;o)


Wishing everyone a happy weekend! As far as my health status of late, I've been feeling much safer although the hubs and I keenly aware of my fragile status and susceptibility right now. We've been working in more time out of the house and avoiding triggers. Our backup plan involves me moving in my in-laws for a bit if things get dangerous again.

<3

Back on the horse.

Today has been a better day and I'm not wasting much time when it comes to looking forward and making positive changes.

Recommitting to my health means a lot of work in many different realms. Mind, body, and soul-it's all connected and I need to reestablish a healthy balance. So here's some stuff I've recommitted to working on:

1.  Physical health.

I twisted my ankle over a month ago and haven't let it recuperate fully. I've also been experiencing progressive numbness and tingling in my arms, wrist pain, and difficulties grasping or pinching for several weeks now. 

My primary care provider suspected carpal tunnel and then a coach suggested that I look into thoracic outlet syndrome and wouldn't ya know it! Spot on. I saw an occupational therapist yesterday and boy howdy. Talk about some good hurt.

It's gonna take a while to heal up and I have to make long term changes, but I'm so glad to know what's going on and have a good direction to head in.

Healing injuries is one facet of my physical health. Focusing on my workout instead of letting my anxiety hijack my "treatment" time is another vital part of my physical health. Improving my diet, getting better sleep, and spending more time outside are other important items to work on. (Yes, these can be considered DBT skills)

Maintaining my physical health not only helps with mood stability, it also helps with self-esteem and resiliency. When I do have bad dips, being in better physical health means bouncing back quicker. 

BB gunning after more dates
(I think he's getting more deliberate playin' that "cute card!")

2. Mind.

I've fallen out of practice with my DBT skills. Being around my family has meant a lot of triggers and a lot of pressure toward bad habits. Moving away is the biggest, most helpful step toward regaining my mental stability. The move isn't going to happen instantaneously-though I can begin working on my DBT immediately. 

The top three things I'm going to work on first? Catching judgments, utilizing distraction and participation, and self-care. 

Catching judgments is a helpful way to veer away from black-and-white thinking. It's helped me tamp down my suicidal impulses and negative self-talk. Distraction and participation help with my anxiety as well as not getting carried away with depressive rumination. Self-care means a lot of things for different folks; for me it means mindfully pursuing healthier habits including: bathing, eating well, hydrating, doing my hair more often, putting on "real clothes" instead of PJs all day, and so on. 

DBT skills address body, mind, and soul-true-for me it falls mostly under "mind" because it takes a lot of mental work!

Hospital visit.

3. Soul.

Healing a broken heart means acknowledging the damage and while I've discussed this many times before, I am recommitting myself to creating healthy distance from my family. I found this article very helpful and am continuing to read and muster my defenses and conviction.

It's been so very difficult for me to cope with the intense feelings of (in my mind) letting my family go. I think doing some reading, writing some key points down, and actively pursuing progress will help me make some progress which should garner more stability and health and PEACE!

I also find DBT skills helpful in achieving peace and soothing my soul. 

Heh, when I was in DBT they talked about it as a lifestyle change and not a contained treament. Yep. I can vouch for that ;o)

It's a lot of work and that's okay.
"It's what I do."
(This is from "Alpha House" BTW)

So. I've written somethings out. I'm getting back on the horse. One good day at a time is great, but I'm working toward getting those weeks of remission at a time, and that means a coordinated attack. 

That said, it's all about baby steps. The dance I have to do to maintain health is complex and I've fallen out of practice. Now it's time to relearn it and get my groove back. One step at a time.

Acknowledge, Accept, Engage

Ya might think this will be a political post and it isn't. The truth is that I've been having a rough time and I haven't posted about it because I'm self-conscious about posting too often and/or posting incongruous posts. Well, that's life with mental health diagnoses. I can have glorious moments on family vacation and horrible lows all in the same week-or day.

So here goes.

The Friday before we left for our road trip I had my first full-on panic attack in months. My anxiety had been elevated for weeks and I think the pre-departure stress put me in a very vulnerable position.

The class that day was probably around triple the usual size because of an altered schedule that week. We were doing an exercise that involved many people dropping barbells almost in unison. That first round put me over. The tears came on, my body began shaking, my heart rate sky rocketed, and a flush came over me beyond my workout glow.

I grabbed my water bottle and purse, bounding into the front room to haphazardly open my emergency pill container that dangles from my wallet at all times. Between the shakes and my restrictive weightlifting wrist bands it was quite a task! After popping my pill I ran cold water over my hands and face before grabbing some frozen sponges and taking some time to walk around outside to calm myself. A friendly childcare/office lady talked with me during this time and helped me calm down as well.

Yesterday, I had to run out of a workout again.

I haven't been able to manage my anxiety the last several weeks and injuries preventing me from engaging in my workouts as I'd like have been quite upsetting. With the elevated anxiety I wasn't able to think straight and ask my coach for help scaling, instead I panicked when the workout began and subsequently walked out before a full blown panic attack struck.

I collapsed on the grass in the sun outside the gym and cried.

My coach hollered from the warehouse door to see if I was okay and I told him it was anxiety and that I'd be fine.

Later, after the workout, he asked if I wanted to talk about it. I started crying and shrugged my shoulders. He asked if the anxiety just "cropped up" and I told him that it had been a problem for a while. This time, it was more than anxiety though, the suicidal impulses have returned. I told him that I had some mental health diagnoses that involve anxiety and chronic suicidality. That these disorders require me to work out frequently at a certain intensity or things can get dangerous for me. My injuries have been gumming that up.

He thanked me for talking to him and I thanked him as well. A couple other folks inquired as to my well being and wished me well.

I love the support I've received there. It does freak me out that I'm experiencing such intense symptoms where I feel most safe. I can understand it, sure, I'm just concerned that I can't even relax at my relaxing place.



I'm very scared. The dips are persisting longer than they have in a long time. I've had suicidal episodes since moving here, they were acute though. This is a different animal. A slippier animal.

The hubs has pushed things into high gear looking for alternate housing. I've been trying to avoid my family as much as possible. I still need to pull out my DBT book and focus on really working some skills...

My brain is slow yet my thoughts are fast.

My body is weary yet I can't relax.

I have to acknowledge this isn't just a little dip. I've had a few intense episodes since the move and this isn't that. It's been a slow, sneaky descent. I find it more difficult to recognize the dark logic as my disease and I'm starting to romanticize suicidal ideations.

I feel like I'm walking a very dangerous line. I feel desperate. I am afraid. And I'm crying at the drop of hat-more and more in public and when driving (not exactly safe).

Moving here was a bad, bad idea. I came in with the best intentions, trying to tamp down the fear and focus on meeting the challenge, but I have to retreat.

Over and over I think, "my family is killing me," and it haunts me. I feel guilt. I feel anger. I don't think they mean to and yet a sense of victimization overwhelms me. It isn't fair. Why me? So many other people have it so much worse... It's so messy. It's so hurtful. They aren't safe. This can't be malicious, you can't hold them accountable for ignorance... I feel like they would be offended and confused to hear this and yet I can't deny it. I don't want to hurt them, I don't want to blame them (though it is so hard to delineate between fact and blame for me)... but a cut needs to be made. I need to excise this threat.

Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain for staying, pain for leaving.

I suppose my brain chemistry at the moment doesn't help either.



Hope this isn't too incoherent. Thanks for being here, from vacation to crisis :o)

Sensitivity & Parenting Styles

I've been having a hard time policing my thoughts of late. Increased stress and anxiety has increased my worry and rumination. Rehashing social interactions is a common worry magnet for me and any conflict that involves my family is a common pitfall as well.

The fireside talk with my parents and hubby replays in my mind often. I remember them dismissing my concerns, telling me that I don't have to worry about my nephew, and summing up the conflict as a difference in parenting styles. Not only was it invalidating, it was sad and reinforced my concerns for my nephew.

I know that there are different parenting styles. I know that there are different styles of loving, communicating, and living. I understand that and I also believe that those different styles fall along a spectrum spanning from healthy to unhealthy.

I think that there is no firm line between healthy and abusive-it's subjective. What scarred me for life may have left someone else with a lasting, loving relationship with their family; maybe spurred them on to great achievements and success. I was not so lucky. I don't think my nephew will be so lucky. Maybe things will change directions for him (I hope they do) in the meantime, I do not thing my opinions are unfounded or simply "differences in parenting styles."

BB enjoys accessories! Including random
barrettes found in the hair salon toy box.

All that has been rattling around in my head and heart. I've also been questioning how I parent and what type of parent I am. I've thought about this all before, it's just more nagging lately. Months and months ago, I had decided it was one of those "life's mysteries" that can't quite ever be completely explained and decided to stop worrying about it. Lately, my parents' words have burrowed under my skin.

Am I too sensitive? Am I too "easy" on Baby Bananaface? Should I be more strict? Should I be drilling him on words and shapes? Should I draw a line when it comes to neatly eating instead of letting BB "get all up in it?" Do I come off "hippie dippy" or "laissez-faire?" Is he gonna turn out to be overly sensitive and unmotivated?

Let BB have a cakepop the other day and
rocked his world! Use change (like that nickle)
to distract him and keep him focused while
out and about :o)

I don't think so.

Being around my family has shaken my footing. I think the hubster and I have made specific parenting choices that are quite different from my family's. So what kind of parent am I? What's my style?

I'm patient. I'm kind. I am gentle whenever possible and firm when necessary. I give BB room to explore. I am strict when he needs to be reined in. I distract instead of discipline whenever I can. I try very hard to not take my frustration out on him. I try very hard to stay in the now. Often, I let him lead. Sometimes, I show him the way.

I don't know how he'll turn out. I know he'll have struggles. I know I'm not perfect. Every child is different and what (I think) works for him may not work for others. I think I strike a balance between what he needs and what I can give. I didn't gain a lot of self-assurance from my childhood and I want to try and give that to BB. I'm trying to do that the best way I know how.

Another outfit BB put together himself.
I don't put much effort in "styling"  him myself.

What kind of parent am I? What's my style?

I'm a good parent. I'm loving. I'm sensitive. I'm dedicated.

My style is VERY different from my family!


So that's a peep into some of my pondering of late :o)

Where we're at... (with random pics)

Hasn't been a bed of roses, not that that'll surprise any of ya! It hasn't been disaster either, so that's good.

This past weekend my parents, the hubster, and I had a "fireside chat" about the CPS drama. It was stressful for me although I did pretty well overall. I was able to express myself without stirring the pot too much and stand up for myself a little.

BB developin' his style

That said, I don't think they were interested in really hearing my point of view. They summed up the entire issue as a "difference in parenting styles," even after I'd said something about "we understand that, there's certain things that cross the line for us though." Didn't seem to land in their brains at all.

Same for any allusion to emotional abuse or trauma. My concerns for my nephew seemed to be dismissed as me being overly sensitive. My mother defended my sister by reminding us "BB used to be that age once" and "she's doing the best she can and I think she's doing a great job."

Well, hate to break it to ya Mom, "a great job" by your definition seems to mean a lifelong battle with mental illness, self worth, and negative coping habits. "A great job" seems to mean ignoring a child in need and supplementing emotional support and love with impulse buys and sweets. (A-I know she did what she could for us and I think I've mostly forgiven that aspect, it just pisses me off when she invalidates my feelings and opinions as an adult B-I think everyone has some issue from childhood, nobody is a perfect parent)

I like to assume that everyone is doing their best... and I'm not sure if my personal hurt is getting in the way of me being able to believe that this is the best my family can do or whether I still believe they can do better? I really think I'm giving up on that latter part.

Shaved ice w/ Daddy

Speaking to the hubs last night, I struggled to express my frustration and grief regarding my family. I'm fed up. I'm not willing to put myself and my family at risk to wait around for rare moments of encouragement or empathy. I'm not willing to bite my tongue and invalidate my opinions to avoid conflict. I've spent decades repressing my opinion, negating my existing, and letting others put me down while they desperately try to make themselves feel better... screw that.

My parents closed the fireside discussion with a mandate stating that I need to give my sister an apology. (Mind you, we had established during the discussion that neither myself or the hubby had called and that we thought it must've been my therapist concerned about the things I'd shared with her***)

So apologize for what?

The hubs told me later that it would be a political, meaningless apology. The parents seemed to think that I should say I'm sorry that she's had to go through this... which I could interpret as empathy. I will not, however, apologize in any way that implies guilt. The words "sorry" or "I apologize" ain't crossin' these lips. I'm not even sure how sorry I am that she's had to go through this... I want her to have a wake up call! I want her to think more about how she's mothering my nephew! That means distress, that means the friction of change, that means unpleasantness.

Hiking. He decided he was done
and hopped on the Momma Express!

Still messy. Still getting the cold shoulder. Still tense. I'm trying to refocus on my health and keeping busy with BB and away from the house as much as I can. The hubs is looking into housing options and we're planning a road trip first week of August as our summer vacation/getaway.

Feeling myself slipping and thinking those negative thoughts, having more and more unhealthy impulses, and living in fear instead of living in the now. Things have to change. Tryin' to dance with my family ain't working-I have to get my own rhythm back!


Feel like an over-emotional rebel expressing all these messy feelings... I think these tough transitions in life should feel uncomfortable and challenging, right? Especially for someone that doesn't have a lot of practice having an opinion? *shrug* *sigh* Doin' what I can!


***Did what we had to do, ya know?

Commercial Breaks

It would seem that this MTV special (AKA my sister's life) is ongoing and trying to script in my family.

We had a wonderful trip to visit my in-laws. Parks, visiting old friends, good food, and good talks. It was relaxing and rejuvenating. Maybe just not rejuvenating enough.

Our weekend was marred by confusing texts and snaps from my family. My sister and mom would snap happy, silly, goofy stuff that would make me feel like everything was simmering down and everyone was moving on. Then we'd get texts about "I talked to my lawyer friend..." or "I really need to know if you or [the hubster] had anything to do with this."

It's like the good times were just short commercial breaks from all the shit! Confusing and stressful!

At one point we were out to dinner with the hubby's sister and had a great, in-depth chat about the CPS system and how investigations work. She had worked at APS for a while and knows people in CPS so she was a great resource.

That chat calmed me down a bit and then more crap came down the tubes. Some more texts freaking me out and pissing the hubster off. He ended up calling my father and telling him, "this needs to stop, Hannah is not handling the stress of this well and hasn't been very good overall the last couple months and we need to make sure she stays safe."

Apparently they seemed to reach a reasonable place of understanding and the next time my sister texted us the hubby took over and told her to stop harassing his family which seemed to shut that down.

Still, I was really anxious about coming back from our mini-vacay. I expected the Ice Queen treatment from my sister, what I didn't expect was my anxiety presenting in an overly chatty, outgoing type of way that was really confusing for everyone...

The hubs kept telling me I needed to get it together and then things spiraled a bit. It was a bad night. Thankfully not suicidal although there were definitely a lot of self-harming urges. I ended up sobbing quite loudly into my pillows at one point because I was so frustrated with the whole kit-n-kaboodle: living here, my sister, my parents, my nephew, my family's well-being, the pets.... The dam broke.

The next evening my mother returned from her trip outta state. I was very anxious to see her and confused a bit by the mixed emotions I sensed during the initial "welcome back" conversation. She was giddy and sharing all her travel stories and then took a break to go do laundry or something. After she returned, the atmosphere became darker, stressful and she said something like, "Well, I know there was some action that went down here while I was gone and we're gonna be talking about that."

It felt ominous and threatening and my already heightened anxiety stepped up a few notches. Thankfully I didn't cry and was able to say something like, "I can't talk about that right now. My anxiety has been really bad the last week."

It feels like a witch hunt. I haven't felt entirely safe here anyways and now I feel like I'm constantly on guard.

I don't know how things will work out and I'm trying to avoid replaying possibilities over and over in my head. That said, I think I've come to realize that living around my family just isn't healthy for me and waiting around for them to become safe to be around isn't a safe choice. I don't know what things will look like in the future, it certainly doesn't look like we'll be living around this area for much longer.

I'm okay with that. I'm okay with distancing, I'm okay with building a life that works for the hubby, BB, and myself that might not involve my family. It will probably be tricky and emotionally rocky, I think it will be worth it though. I need to get back on that positive progress path and keep moving onward and upward. I don't want to be stalling out and backsliding and getting entrenched in childhood muck over and over...

I'm moving on. It's a big rope tying me to this baggage and I'm starting to saw away at it. Come what may.



***Whew. That felt pretty dramatic.... talking about my sister's life being an MTV special and I just felt like I was in "Pirates of the Caribbean!"

I don't like living in an MTV special...

This morning was a tough one at the gym, especially when my left arch gave out during warm-up. I ended up rolling my feet on a hard ball for a while and when I did the workout of the day I scaled from the running into rowing. Anyways... it was tough. It left me a bit frazzled and without appetite which made feeding BB and staying focused difficult.

While I was grilling a grilled cheese my mother called. Her voice... was frosty. She sounded angry or scared, definitely more serious than I normally hear her. She said she needed me to listen very carefully and went on to say that my sister was in hysterics and that someone had called CPS on my sister and were coming by for an inspection that day.

I felt sick. I got lightheaded. I tried to hold the panic back and focus on one thing at a time. I got BB fed and called the hubster. 

The CPS folks were scheduled to come at 1:30, during BB's nap. Turned out that BB had a hard time getting down for his nap around noon and I had to drive him around for his nap today. I wasn't there for the visit. My sister, her boyfriend, my brother, my dad, and I think one of my sister's friends was there too... 

The investigators called me while I was driving home and I stopped by their office (the hubster happened to be able to meet me there) and they looked over BB and spoke with us. 

It was all so intense. So stressful. Watching my family in distress was surreal and distressing. Seeing my nephew so innocent and unaware of what was happening just heartbreaking.

Most of the time these sorts of things are unable to be properly substantiated and don't get beyond a "here's some resources, try to do a better job," so I'm not afraid of my nephew being taking away or "put in the system." I hope if anything that it will only improve the situation for him and my family. 

Living here these couple months I have noticed how much parenthood is wearing on them. I do believe my nephew could have a better emotional environment. I hope this is all for the best.

My family has been searching for answers and trying to figure out where the report came from. It feels a bit like an MTV special with all the drama... certainly doesn't feel like my "real life." Wow. Guess you never know, eh?

In the meantime I have to calm back down. Probably going to take my sleeping meds tonight!

In other news, we're heading over the mountains to visit my in-laws. We're very excited to see them and excited to have a mini-vacay. 

One of those "anger release" exercises...

WARNING: EXTREMELY LONG POST!

Seriously, it's really long.

If you have to pee, pee now.

So... I had intended to do a different anger releasing writing project and instead I found myself "gifted" with a new starting point today. I ended up mixing some of my previous complaints with the newer ones. It might be a little confusing-somehow in my process I blended multiple members of  my family into one. No matter. The process is the important part. 


DISCLAIMER: I tried to embrace my anger. I tried to fan the flames. I tried to dig up compacted rage. As intentional as this is, I am still quite uncomfortable with expressing my anger. I don't know if such phrases are effective. I don't know if it's rational or justified or something I can stand by... I'm trying not to judge myself and I hope you can withhold judgment as well :o) I don't like saying mean things. I empathize and I see both sides so much that I struggle to even own thoughts like these let alone express them on paper, screen, or out loud!

DISCLAIMER PS: The hubby has encouraged me to embrace a "go fuck yourself" mentality. Instead of being hurt and trying to figure out what's wrong with me or how to be good enough, reject the hurtful opinion. Think or say "go fuck yourself" instead of throwing myself under the bus or putting myself at risk for relapse. I don't have to analyze every comment... I can let it go. Push it away. So, I tried to embrace that. In real life I don't really say, "go fuck yourself." Ever. Very weird feelings... Anywho. Just sayin.


Here we go. Somehow an offhand comment set my off...



Maybe you thought it was a compliment today when you said I should be on that show, "American Grit." The thing is, when the host describes the show as a place for people "all who either have lost their grit or never had it" I don't take that as a compliment. 



A) How the fuck can you think that I don't have grit? Do you have that little appreciation for what I've survived? 


It's puzzling to me that you have never seemed to grasp my mental health issues. It's been over 15 years since my symptoms surfaced and yet it seems like you still struggle to acknowledge my disease. I mention something relating to my mental health and I'm greeted with a "deer in the headlights" stare. My husband says that he has given up on trying to explain that this type of illness can't be "cured," that it's part of my body chemistry and brain structure. Do you really think I'm not trying hard enough to "fix it?" Do you think that I'm lazy?

Maybe you don't appreciate the years of my childhood and young adulthood spent in quiet desperation. The years of self-harming and isolation. You pegged me as "the Eeyore of the family." Why does my mental illness define my personality? 

Maybe you didn't notice my instability. You didn't notice my disease sending me into months of darkness or jerking me into weeks of elation. Years of feeling like I couldn't be trusted with my own life; whether that meant wanting to kill myself or being aware that I was too starry-eyed to make responsible decisions. I was impulsive and unstable and trying to figure out a solution all on my own... I suppose these deep-rooted feelings of rejection and abandonment have grown from multiple seeds, I'm sure this is one of them though. You didn't know what to do, I get it, maybe if it felt like you tried I wouldn't feel this angry. I wouldn't feel this heartbroken. You turned away from me and fed my self-disgust. 


And what of the last couple years? Do you appreciate the fact that I spent months barely able to care for myself or my infant son? What about the period of time that I couldn't be trusted alone with my son? Surely you remember the weeks in the hospital. I'm told you visited. I know that you helped drive me to ECT treatments. Do you know how many times the hubster drove me? or drove BB north to daycare then drove south to work then drove west to see me in the psych ward before rushing back to BB and caring for our son throughout the evening-multiple wakings in the night-before waking early to do it again all on his own? (Hubby comment: he only got one speeding ticket!)

Do you see the scars we carry? The scars that bind us? That time broke trust and built trust. I couldn't be trusted with my life or with my son's life. He saved us. Why does the hubby ask so openly and abruptly if I'm safe? if I'm suicidal? if I feel out of control? because dozens and dozens of times I've been in danger. He's been rescuing me. That was our norm and we've made it through. We've made it through and are making a new normal from scratch. Your jokes and teasing about his protectiveness and adherence to routine aren't just annoying, they're insulting.

How can you imply that I don't have grit? Over a year of life-threatening postpartum depression, over a dozen medications tried to stem the crisis, over three weeks in the hospital, over thirty ECT treatments... I'm still here. I laid on a bed and waited for my last breath to try and spare my husband and son a lifetime of trying to save a life I thought wasn't worth saving-mine. My husband ripped that plastic bag off my face and saved my life that afternoon and despite having close to no resolve left, somehow I kept fighting. For him. For my son. And a little for me.

How much more grit do I have to have before I can believe you think I'm enough?

I can't count on that anymore. I can't wait to sense some change in you. I can't play these pussy-footing games of allusion and corroding criticism. I may have started my life in this game with your dangerous rules. I won't finish my life at your game. You can call me sensitive, you can tease me and imply that I'm weak, you can make me feel like I'm flawed beyond salvaging-and then you can go fuck yourselves. Just because you don't seem to realize the damage you cause doesn't mean you are devoid of responsibility. 

I don't need your apologies. I don't need you. I don't need more grit.




B) Do you have that little appreciation for how much I do everyday to try and avert relapse and continue to survive? What kind of grit does that take?


You give the impression that the most important aspect of my exercise regimen in my weight loss and being fit. Maybe all your comments about me "being in the best shape of your life" or "a sliver of what you used to be" are intended to be compliments. In reality? It feels like weight added back onto my shoulders. I feel pressure to lose more weight. To lift heavier weight. To tone more parts of my body and fit in smaller clothes and eliminate rolls and embody some image that you, society, and the shadowed part of me have deemed worthy of pride. 

It's not healthy.

My mental state is more important than the state of my ass. I exercise every day to try and maintain my mood stability or actively battle back anxiety and depression. I go to the gym despite my social anxiety, despite feeling inept and insufficient, despite feeling like an outcast and poser. I go to the gym and try to push myself hard enough to be able to push back the disease I will live with for the rest of my life.

It doesn't really matter how much I can lift. The kind of strength I need most can't be provided by regular exercise.


You tease me for my "OCD" while loading the dishwasher or trying to keep the refrigerator organized. Okay, that's not how you do things. Fine. I do it different and for a damn good reason. 

I'm not OCD-which is a  clinical disorder and not something to be joked about-I am sick. I am sick in such a way that I have to avoid any extra stress whenever possible. I am sick in such a way that I have to be mindful throughout my day about big and little choices-from doing dishes or taking medication. 

I am sick in such a way that unloading the dishes and finding several of them dirty because the machine was overloaded or loaded ineffectively can be unduly upsetting. I'm sick in such a way that having sharp knives scattered throughout the other silverware instead of contained in their own section can increase my impulses to self-harm. 

As for a disorganized and sometimes unsanitary fridge or a cabinet stuffed with mismatched Tupperware? If I'm having a bad day, opening a door and being confronted by these things can send me into a panic or distress me in a way that contributes to a depressive episode. Not to mention feeling the criticism and rejection from you verbal teasing in each carelessly placed item. And seriously-why would you want to put your fruits right by (or on) your raw meat!? 


I have to live this way to live. It's working for me and that's what matters-at least to me, my husband, and our son. Don't think that I resent it-it is a lot of work and it's also the greatest sense of stability that I've ever had in my life. My mental state may fluctuate and get dangerous from time-to-time; dinner will always be at 6:00 PM. The silverware will always be sorted and easily accessible. The yoghurt will always be on the same shelf. Baby Bananaface will always have a set bedtime. That stability, having something I can count on, gives me comfort and confidence that I didn't have before. It helps me cope, it helps me thrive.

You want to live in a hurricane made by your own hand? Go ahead. You want to swallow your feelings and eat your loneliness? Go ahead. You want to bury yourself in cheap trinkets in lieu hearing "I love you?" Fine. I'm sick of trying to satiate the needs you don't claim responsibility for or even acknowledge. I'm not interested in maintaining this legacy of delusion and self-imposed suffering. I take this heritage and try to set it aside day-after-day for my own good and for my husband and for my son.

Y'all can sit in your burning building on your own. I'm leaving.




Whew. I tried NOT to edit much. I tried NOT to hold back or censor. I'm sure that this isn't everything though. I have a hard time handling anger. I think this was a step in the right direction though.

What does this mean for the real relationship with me family? I have no clue. I do think that I can't expect them to change or expend too much of my energy fighting to change things. I have to take care of myself in other ways first and that takes a lot of my time and energy. I think it's all right to simply accept things and accept that I don't have to fix it. I can move on and live the best life that I can without making everything neat and perfect.

CONGRATS if you read this entire post.

 You have eyes of steel ;o)