Today is the day when the hubs rescued me two years ago. The day I've been calling "my second 2nd birthday."
At the gym people often bring in treats for birthdays. Last night the hubster stood by me in the kitchen as I slowly integrated puffs of confectioner's sugar into a cream cheese icing for my gingerbread mini-cupcake. He asked, "Whose birthday is it?" and I kept quiet, staring into the whirling machine.
He doesn't like to talk about that day. It's understandable how traumatic it was for him! It did sting a little to realize that he had forgotten the anniversary though. I tried to get away with not telling him and in the end, whispered, "It's mine."
He breathed a heavy, "Ahh." Came toward me and pulled me into a hug as our eyes mutually drew tears. Distraught at the memories and then amazed to discover how long ago it felt. We are getting further and further from that day. No matter how messy the year behind went or the one ahead goes, any progress forward is a beautiful victory.
Tonight we get to have a dinner together. I've been struggling with anxiety and tears. Feeling lonely and struggling to reach out to friends that I see nearly everyday. I can speak about it all when asked. It's much more difficult to share out of the blue!
With the husbands' working situation fluctuations of late, we're in a month without insurance. A month when I really should've been in for ECT a week ago and are now having to schedule out for May. It is scary. I've been feeling "off" and weakened, hoping for ECT to help. For now, I'm trying to hang on and be satisfied with less. My schoolwork hasn't been going well.
Ahem.
Moving on. No need to rehash more of what haunts me right now.
Wish I could spend more time here, I really must make sure I eat enough and get enough water after such a work out this morning.
Hope to type again soon. <3 Gratitude, hugs, and love.
Showing posts with label ECT. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ECT. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 11, 2018
Monday, January 22, 2018
Checkin' In
Had my third ECT treatment so far this morning and with the way things are looking-I should be out of here Wednesday.
It's been, well, what you would expect: good and bad.
It's stressful making the adjustment to being "on the unit" and it's going to be stressful adjusting to "the outside" again. I've seen others come and go. I've gotten used to the nurses-especially those that I remember from years ago. At first I was a little ashamed to see them again after all these years (as if I should've "had everything figured out" or something) and now I'm just glad that they're here. It seems like they're used to a little bit of turnaround and they probably don't remember me as clearly as I remember them.
Either way-I'm very grateful for them.
I made a few new friends while I was here and I'll be able to keep in touch on Facebook etc. There was another (newer) mother here that I had particular fun with and I think we will be trying to hook up IRL once things settle down for each of us.
Right now, I'm looking forward to time with the hubs and BB. Baking in my kitchen. Seeing the outside of a building. Drinking some decent fuckin' coffee (for serious, c'mon people, folks be dying in here and ya give them this shit coffee?). *excuse my language plz*
So. I'm glad I checked in for another visit. It hasn't been and won't be easy, although I think everything has helped get me headed down the right path again.
I'm pretty nervous about making the transition with mental habits to get in a healthier spot again as well as transitioning back to daily life with the gym and such. I won't be driving for a bit while we finish up ECT (I've got three treatments this week and then we'll see about doing 3 again next week or going down to 2 and so on).
Not sure when I'll be able to get back to the gym, although it's looking like even next week is going to be a bit of a strain. Going on week three now that I've been away? No... yeah. This is week three. I was gone a week when my sister-in-law came to stay with BB and I, last week while I was in hospital, and now I'm entering into the third week. Jeesh. Could be a month out of the gym... Oh well.
Priorities.
One day a time.
Thank you everyone <3
It's been, well, what you would expect: good and bad.
It's stressful making the adjustment to being "on the unit" and it's going to be stressful adjusting to "the outside" again. I've seen others come and go. I've gotten used to the nurses-especially those that I remember from years ago. At first I was a little ashamed to see them again after all these years (as if I should've "had everything figured out" or something) and now I'm just glad that they're here. It seems like they're used to a little bit of turnaround and they probably don't remember me as clearly as I remember them.
Either way-I'm very grateful for them.
I made a few new friends while I was here and I'll be able to keep in touch on Facebook etc. There was another (newer) mother here that I had particular fun with and I think we will be trying to hook up IRL once things settle down for each of us.
Right now, I'm looking forward to time with the hubs and BB. Baking in my kitchen. Seeing the outside of a building. Drinking some decent fuckin' coffee (for serious, c'mon people, folks be dying in here and ya give them this shit coffee?). *excuse my language plz*
So. I'm glad I checked in for another visit. It hasn't been and won't be easy, although I think everything has helped get me headed down the right path again.
I'm pretty nervous about making the transition with mental habits to get in a healthier spot again as well as transitioning back to daily life with the gym and such. I won't be driving for a bit while we finish up ECT (I've got three treatments this week and then we'll see about doing 3 again next week or going down to 2 and so on).
Not sure when I'll be able to get back to the gym, although it's looking like even next week is going to be a bit of a strain. Going on week three now that I've been away? No... yeah. This is week three. I was gone a week when my sister-in-law came to stay with BB and I, last week while I was in hospital, and now I'm entering into the third week. Jeesh. Could be a month out of the gym... Oh well.
Priorities.
One day a time.
Thank you everyone <3
Saturday, January 13, 2018
Back on the Inside
Friday I had another plan with a set date. The hubs was onto me and I confessed in a note, so he skipped out on work and took me to the ER up in Seattle where they do my ECT treatments now.
We clocked in at 1:25 and I got into my room almost exactly 9 hours later.
T I R E D
So far so good. Found some nice folks and like the staff. Got some great tomato soup here.
Hoping to get onto the ECT schedule for Monday and we shall see.
I think we're gonna be trying a "new" medication to try and help with my sleeping.
We aren't allowed to have laptops or cellphones on the unit so I will be sparse for the next week at least (as if I haven't been sparse for MONTHS now!).
Thank you all for your support. I hope-truly-to see those days when I'm well enough to catch up with all of your blogs and stories too.
Be well.
We clocked in at 1:25 and I got into my room almost exactly 9 hours later.
T I R E D
So far so good. Found some nice folks and like the staff. Got some great tomato soup here.
Hoping to get onto the ECT schedule for Monday and we shall see.
I think we're gonna be trying a "new" medication to try and help with my sleeping.
We aren't allowed to have laptops or cellphones on the unit so I will be sparse for the next week at least (as if I haven't been sparse for MONTHS now!).
Thank you all for your support. I hope-truly-to see those days when I'm well enough to catch up with all of your blogs and stories too.
Be well.
Thursday, November 30, 2017
Bittersweet Romance
I found myself crying on the toilet last night.
After Baby Bananaface had gone to bed the hubster and I found ourselves talking about our past. Our courtship. Our memories. Maybe, more accurately, his memories. I couldn't remember the vast majority of events, moments, excursions, and sweet nothings that he described.
My memory loss usually only comes up in passing. Often, I will feel bad about not remembering such cherished stories. Sometimes, he will feel frustrated and sad as well. Rarely, he lets it show and last night was one of those nights.
Our chat continued into the bedroom and into the darkness. At one point bringing us to the topic of love notes. Apparently I wrote many in our early days and the hubby keeps most of them in a little box. He brought out he box and we sifted through them all.
It was a bittersweet exercise. Seeing all those notes and doodles and revisiting that era of new love. Reading about our adventures as well as the struggles. The hubster describing the sparse furniture featured in our first apartment. My apologies for symptoms of yet-diagnosed disorders.
I could count on one hand the things I actually remembered. After we had read them all he asked, "Did that jog any memories?" I shook my head and shrugged, "Not really. No." My eyes teared up and his brow furrowed. He tried to comfort me and tell me that some of the memories could still back. Grief was in his eyes and lumped in my throat.
Rolling over in the bed, I excused myself and trudged to the bathroom. Tears gathered on my cheeks before I cleared the hallway. By the time I finished peeing I was smothering sudden short-lived sobs.
It was a brief, deep grieving. In that moment I wasn't just acknowledging the loss, I was recognizing the countless moments over the past couple years that the hubs had accommodated my memory loss, supplied information, or concealed his own frustrations and sadness. We try not to spend too much time thinking on it and that seems to work alright-most of the time.
Most of the time.
We're okay with that.
Even if we don't have the memories to share, we still have the love.
After Baby Bananaface had gone to bed the hubster and I found ourselves talking about our past. Our courtship. Our memories. Maybe, more accurately, his memories. I couldn't remember the vast majority of events, moments, excursions, and sweet nothings that he described.
My memory loss usually only comes up in passing. Often, I will feel bad about not remembering such cherished stories. Sometimes, he will feel frustrated and sad as well. Rarely, he lets it show and last night was one of those nights.
Our chat continued into the bedroom and into the darkness. At one point bringing us to the topic of love notes. Apparently I wrote many in our early days and the hubby keeps most of them in a little box. He brought out he box and we sifted through them all.
It was a bittersweet exercise. Seeing all those notes and doodles and revisiting that era of new love. Reading about our adventures as well as the struggles. The hubster describing the sparse furniture featured in our first apartment. My apologies for symptoms of yet-diagnosed disorders.
I could count on one hand the things I actually remembered. After we had read them all he asked, "Did that jog any memories?" I shook my head and shrugged, "Not really. No." My eyes teared up and his brow furrowed. He tried to comfort me and tell me that some of the memories could still back. Grief was in his eyes and lumped in my throat.
Rolling over in the bed, I excused myself and trudged to the bathroom. Tears gathered on my cheeks before I cleared the hallway. By the time I finished peeing I was smothering sudden short-lived sobs.
It was a brief, deep grieving. In that moment I wasn't just acknowledging the loss, I was recognizing the countless moments over the past couple years that the hubs had accommodated my memory loss, supplied information, or concealed his own frustrations and sadness. We try not to spend too much time thinking on it and that seems to work alright-most of the time.
Most of the time.
We're okay with that.
Even if we don't have the memories to share, we still have the love.
Saturday, March 11, 2017
Happy/Sad Days
Last week I got to graduate from my DBT therapy. Wednesday the 1st was my last group night and Tuesday the 7th was my last individual meeting. I can still contact my therapist if I need help or need a random session. Still, it was a goodbye rather than a "see ya later."
Saying goodbye to my classmates was more emotional than I expected. I knew that I would cry, I just didn't expect to be sniffling and stuttering and seal-barking hardcore crying like I was!
For DBT graduation we each hold a seashell and share our thoughts and goodbyes to each graduate before they get to hold the shell and give their goodbyes to the class. I started crying while people gave me their goodbyes and when I started into mine the dam really broke. Before I even addressed the class I gave them all individual cards and handed the instructor my bin of "special prizes" for the weeks when they get double homework or when they get to play Jeopardy for module reviews. It was a good feeling.
I got so many great compliments. People spoke about how different I am now compared to when I first started. I don't slump and mumble anymore. My shoulders are back and I'm a beaming light and I take up the whole room with my laugh-it was so sweet. They talk about how supportive and friendly I am. How hard I've worked at the skills. How different class will be without me.
My therapists each called me a "community maker." That meant a lot to me. For so long I've battled loneliness and felt so isolated. Now I initiate conversations with acquaintances and strangers. I reach out and don't worry about reciprocation. I'm not paralyzed by fear anymore. I'm me. Take it or leave it.
My individual therapist also talked about how much has changed over the past year. How she was really worried about me being able to do DBT with my history of ECT. When I started DBT I was still doing ECT. She said that they'd never encountered anyone who had done ECT that could effectively learn DBT-until me. She called me an anomaly. Special. It was magical. I felt like a diamond. It meant so much to have someone point out just how much I've battled through. How I've beat the odds.
I'm a success story. I want to stay a success story. One day a time.
We have done so much trying to get me back to good since Baby Bananaface was born. Medications, therapies, inpatient, outpatient, ECT, TMS, DBT, exercise. The medications have been a part of my recovery, sure, though I really feel like the DBT and my gym routine are what saved me.
For my birthday I got to share my thanks with my gym instructors and last week I got to share my thanks with my DBT community. I'm so happy that I'm in a place where I can share like that as well as acknowledge how far I've come.
Whew. So many emotions! Anywho. That happened. :o)
Saying goodbye to my classmates was more emotional than I expected. I knew that I would cry, I just didn't expect to be sniffling and stuttering and seal-barking hardcore crying like I was!
For DBT graduation we each hold a seashell and share our thoughts and goodbyes to each graduate before they get to hold the shell and give their goodbyes to the class. I started crying while people gave me their goodbyes and when I started into mine the dam really broke. Before I even addressed the class I gave them all individual cards and handed the instructor my bin of "special prizes" for the weeks when they get double homework or when they get to play Jeopardy for module reviews. It was a good feeling.
I got so many great compliments. People spoke about how different I am now compared to when I first started. I don't slump and mumble anymore. My shoulders are back and I'm a beaming light and I take up the whole room with my laugh-it was so sweet. They talk about how supportive and friendly I am. How hard I've worked at the skills. How different class will be without me.
My therapists each called me a "community maker." That meant a lot to me. For so long I've battled loneliness and felt so isolated. Now I initiate conversations with acquaintances and strangers. I reach out and don't worry about reciprocation. I'm not paralyzed by fear anymore. I'm me. Take it or leave it.
My individual therapist also talked about how much has changed over the past year. How she was really worried about me being able to do DBT with my history of ECT. When I started DBT I was still doing ECT. She said that they'd never encountered anyone who had done ECT that could effectively learn DBT-until me. She called me an anomaly. Special. It was magical. I felt like a diamond. It meant so much to have someone point out just how much I've battled through. How I've beat the odds.
I'm a success story. I want to stay a success story. One day a time.
We have done so much trying to get me back to good since Baby Bananaface was born. Medications, therapies, inpatient, outpatient, ECT, TMS, DBT, exercise. The medications have been a part of my recovery, sure, though I really feel like the DBT and my gym routine are what saved me.
For my birthday I got to share my thanks with my gym instructors and last week I got to share my thanks with my DBT community. I'm so happy that I'm in a place where I can share like that as well as acknowledge how far I've come.
Whew. So many emotions! Anywho. That happened. :o)
Friday, December 30, 2016
Reflection
I've been concentrating a lot on focusing my attention on the now and participating fully in the moment to help maintain my mood and well-being through the tumultuous holiday rush, but as New Year's nears I find myself looking back...
It's been quite a year. 2016 wasn't an easy one, that's for sure!
Thinking back to last January, I was in the hospital. According to my blog I went to my aunt's memorial, but I can't remember because of all the ECT treatments. For a good chunk of time I was doing so much ECT that I wasn't allowed to drive.
For a big part of the year I wasn't able to be alone with Baby Bananaface. It was too overwhelming or didn't feel safe.
For a while the hubster confiscated my tweezers because I was having a hard time controlling my urges to self harm.
In the spring I tried to kill myself.
Another chunk of my year was dedicated to TMS treatments multiple times a week. Throughout it all I've been on and off more drugs than I can name trying to find a mood stabilizer that'll work for me. To top it off I had those seizures and got diagnosed with a seizure disorder and got a prescription goin' for that...
There's been a lot between those headliners, including countless tears and hugs and kisses and fears shared between me and the hubster. Nights and days where I didn't feel safe. When I wasn't sure if I'd make it to the next day. When I didn't believe that I could ever find happiness or stability again.
Thankfully, things are changing. I have come far enough now that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have hope again. I'm still working on the confidence part but my faith is certainly growing and despite the hiccups along the way I haven't given up.
So much has changed... I've come so far this year.
I'm driving again-even taking BB to and from daycare. I'm making meals and able to safely use my tweezers. I'm socializing and going to the gym nearly everyday. I'm even thinking about finding part-time work soon.
I've felt like a failure. I've felt broken. I've felt hopeless. More and more I'm feeling hopeful. I'm feeling strong. I'm feeling proud. I am surviving.
I'm glad to put this year behind me and I hope to have more positive memories to stir up this time next year :o)
Don't really remember doing resolutions much but I think I will be concentrating on keeping up with maintaining my health and moving forward.
I wish everyone a wonderful 2017 and thank you all for sharing 2016 with me.
Lastly, let's hear a big cheer for baby steps! Hoorah!
It's been quite a year. 2016 wasn't an easy one, that's for sure!
**I've plugged in some random photo highlights that may or may not correlate to my text, but I hope you enjoy them!
For a big part of the year I wasn't able to be alone with Baby Bananaface. It was too overwhelming or didn't feel safe.
For a while the hubster confiscated my tweezers because I was having a hard time controlling my urges to self harm.
In the spring I tried to kill myself.
Another chunk of my year was dedicated to TMS treatments multiple times a week. Throughout it all I've been on and off more drugs than I can name trying to find a mood stabilizer that'll work for me. To top it off I had those seizures and got diagnosed with a seizure disorder and got a prescription goin' for that...
There's been a lot between those headliners, including countless tears and hugs and kisses and fears shared between me and the hubster. Nights and days where I didn't feel safe. When I wasn't sure if I'd make it to the next day. When I didn't believe that I could ever find happiness or stability again.
Thankfully, things are changing. I have come far enough now that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have hope again. I'm still working on the confidence part but my faith is certainly growing and despite the hiccups along the way I haven't given up.
So much has changed... I've come so far this year.
I'm driving again-even taking BB to and from daycare. I'm making meals and able to safely use my tweezers. I'm socializing and going to the gym nearly everyday. I'm even thinking about finding part-time work soon.
I'm glad to put this year behind me and I hope to have more positive memories to stir up this time next year :o)
Don't really remember doing resolutions much but I think I will be concentrating on keeping up with maintaining my health and moving forward.
I wish everyone a wonderful 2017 and thank you all for sharing 2016 with me.
Lastly, let's hear a big cheer for baby steps! Hoorah!
Wednesday, September 14, 2016
Again.
Having a hard relapse. Not sure if this is last week coming back with a vengeance or a totally new front of bad mood-weather but it's taken me under like a riptide. I thought making it through the weekend meant I was back on track and outta the woods, but I guess not.
Things got pretty bad, pretty fast yesterday afternoon and even though I reached a point where I was ready to die and an eerie calm came over me, I decided to wait and see how I felt in the morning... Well, the thoughts were there to greet me this morning and I've been confused and teary and sad despite going to my regular gym class and going through the motions.
It ain't pretty. We've got an ECT appointment for tomorrow.* I'm disappointed in myself, in the hand I've been dealt... I'm just tired of fighting. The dark thoughts are so convincing, so reassuring.
I've had a variety of symptoms besides the suicidal ideation-crying and shaking and loss of expression, my face just slack and no laughter, no frustration, just "blah" from me... but nothing new. It's all familiar. I've been here before.
Sigh.
I don't know what's going to happen. I feel so "blah" about things either way it's a bit confusing. I would be happy to be snuffed out and out of the fight, I even feel dismissive about leaving behind loved ones and friends and the inconvenience and hurt that would cause-I know it's not my "right" mind but it's such a powerful sense of release that overtakes me in these deep dips... I'm sure some of you can relate.
On the other hand I can still grasp those whispering, rational thoughts that this is all temporary and the disease overtaking me and that I want to live I just don't want to continue hurting this way... Sheesh, it's downright crazy how quickly my reasonable mind is overwhelmed by these horrible, dark thoughts-like a massive, lightning quick avalanche sweeping my life off track. Ugh.
Like I said, it's confusing, but I trust the hubby and can still kinda hear that part of me that still sees the light and although there is a heavy presence of darkness in my mind I'm still edging forward toward wellness somehow.
I'm baby steppin' major today. Will try to keep the blog updated as things progress <3
*Apparently the doctors are wobbling between TMS and ECT, so things are up in the air for now but hopefully I'll find out this afternoon.... They want me to try and make it through without the ECT and stick with just the TMS, maybe do ECT Friday for "emergencies only." More confusion! Anyways. Will update later.
Things got pretty bad, pretty fast yesterday afternoon and even though I reached a point where I was ready to die and an eerie calm came over me, I decided to wait and see how I felt in the morning... Well, the thoughts were there to greet me this morning and I've been confused and teary and sad despite going to my regular gym class and going through the motions.
It ain't pretty. We've got an ECT appointment for tomorrow.* I'm disappointed in myself, in the hand I've been dealt... I'm just tired of fighting. The dark thoughts are so convincing, so reassuring.
I've had a variety of symptoms besides the suicidal ideation-crying and shaking and loss of expression, my face just slack and no laughter, no frustration, just "blah" from me... but nothing new. It's all familiar. I've been here before.
Sigh.
I don't know what's going to happen. I feel so "blah" about things either way it's a bit confusing. I would be happy to be snuffed out and out of the fight, I even feel dismissive about leaving behind loved ones and friends and the inconvenience and hurt that would cause-I know it's not my "right" mind but it's such a powerful sense of release that overtakes me in these deep dips... I'm sure some of you can relate.
On the other hand I can still grasp those whispering, rational thoughts that this is all temporary and the disease overtaking me and that I want to live I just don't want to continue hurting this way... Sheesh, it's downright crazy how quickly my reasonable mind is overwhelmed by these horrible, dark thoughts-like a massive, lightning quick avalanche sweeping my life off track. Ugh.
Like I said, it's confusing, but I trust the hubby and can still kinda hear that part of me that still sees the light and although there is a heavy presence of darkness in my mind I'm still edging forward toward wellness somehow.
I'm baby steppin' major today. Will try to keep the blog updated as things progress <3
*Apparently the doctors are wobbling between TMS and ECT, so things are up in the air for now but hopefully I'll find out this afternoon.... They want me to try and make it through without the ECT and stick with just the TMS, maybe do ECT Friday for "emergencies only." More confusion! Anyways. Will update later.
Monday, September 12, 2016
Sunday Review/Happy Monday!
Yesterday was the 15th anniversary of 9/11 and even though I had been thinking of the event all week, I honestly forgot about it that morning until halfway through my walk with Fio.
It was a beautiful morning and I found myself feeling so grateful that I could be taking a peaceful walk without fearing for my life, even swapping content "good morning" greetings with my neighbors. We're just about strangers to each other but we're also countrymen with an undeniable link and that's so important to remember.
The radio station I happened to have on played the anthem on the hour all day and the hubs and I both really appreciated it (even got a little teary!) despite not being in love with the version they selected... but Whitney Houston's take on the anthem grew on us during the day I think.
I always end up feeling very grateful even though there are also many dark feelings like fear and anger that come along with these anniversaries.
Speaking of anniversaries, Sunday also happened to mark 5 months since I attempted to take my life. I still feel like I'm "sick" and frustrated to still be striving for some undefined "all better" or sense of feeling good enough (but really, even when I'm "healthy" I'm not sure if I've ever been able to maintain a sense of feeling good enough). I think that's a really complicated aspect of my mental health, but someday I hope to be at peace with myself and really, truly accepting my best as good enough.
All that said, I think I've made a lot of changes and my baby steps are adding up to many positive shifts in my health and my life. I still have hard days and I still wonder if I can hold it all together, but more and more I find myself believing in my own strength and appreciating the little things that I'm able to do now that I just couldn't manage those several months back-even simple things like getting out of the condo, feeding myself, and doing chores.
We didn't do anything specific to commemorate the date but the hubs and I were both contemplative and able to appreciate our family hike and time together a little more than usual :o)
Here are some fun pictures from the trail: a cool frog I spotted, a family selfie, and some goofy pics. Also, another selfie from story time at home that night.
Many emotions and ups and downs but overall a good day.
So far, my Monday is going well. I was feeling well enough to cancel the ECT appointment I made "just in case" last week. There were a few pretty bad days last week that made us think I might need a treatment to get the suicidal thoughts to subside, but I think I'm transitioning out of the darkness-at least I'm working hard to try and make that happen!
Anyways, the ECT staff and TMS staff have been very helpful and supportive and I'm so glad to have them as part of my treatment. It's amazing how such wonderful people manage to be in some of the darkest spots of life and brighten things up no matter how bad things get.
Happy Monday all!
It was a beautiful morning and I found myself feeling so grateful that I could be taking a peaceful walk without fearing for my life, even swapping content "good morning" greetings with my neighbors. We're just about strangers to each other but we're also countrymen with an undeniable link and that's so important to remember.
The radio station I happened to have on played the anthem on the hour all day and the hubs and I both really appreciated it (even got a little teary!) despite not being in love with the version they selected... but Whitney Houston's take on the anthem grew on us during the day I think.
I always end up feeling very grateful even though there are also many dark feelings like fear and anger that come along with these anniversaries.
Speaking of anniversaries, Sunday also happened to mark 5 months since I attempted to take my life. I still feel like I'm "sick" and frustrated to still be striving for some undefined "all better" or sense of feeling good enough (but really, even when I'm "healthy" I'm not sure if I've ever been able to maintain a sense of feeling good enough). I think that's a really complicated aspect of my mental health, but someday I hope to be at peace with myself and really, truly accepting my best as good enough.
All that said, I think I've made a lot of changes and my baby steps are adding up to many positive shifts in my health and my life. I still have hard days and I still wonder if I can hold it all together, but more and more I find myself believing in my own strength and appreciating the little things that I'm able to do now that I just couldn't manage those several months back-even simple things like getting out of the condo, feeding myself, and doing chores.
We didn't do anything specific to commemorate the date but the hubs and I were both contemplative and able to appreciate our family hike and time together a little more than usual :o)
Here are some fun pictures from the trail: a cool frog I spotted, a family selfie, and some goofy pics. Also, another selfie from story time at home that night.
Many emotions and ups and downs but overall a good day.
So far, my Monday is going well. I was feeling well enough to cancel the ECT appointment I made "just in case" last week. There were a few pretty bad days last week that made us think I might need a treatment to get the suicidal thoughts to subside, but I think I'm transitioning out of the darkness-at least I'm working hard to try and make that happen!
Anyways, the ECT staff and TMS staff have been very helpful and supportive and I'm so glad to have them as part of my treatment. It's amazing how such wonderful people manage to be in some of the darkest spots of life and brighten things up no matter how bad things get.
Happy Monday all!
Monday, August 1, 2016
It Ain't Easy
Been chugging along lately doing my best and accepting that things aren't always easy or pretty. Sometimes I just have to do what I have to do to get by and that meant an ECT appointment on Thursday and means another this Wednesday as well (potentially Friday too if I'm still feeling shaky). That's more ECT than we were planning on but if it helps us avoid a major spiral, boy-howdy, we gonna do it!
We have also switched up things on the medication front by discontinuing an anti-anxiety pill (it was primarily a blood pressure medication and while I didn't get any anti-anxiety benefits I was getting a lot of dizzy spells during my exercise classes that I didn't appreciate!) and starting another mood stabilizer. I've had such little luck with these meds that my hopes aren't up very high but I do hold out some hope that I'll see some type of benefit. At least I haven't seen any hives this time (yet!).
I've been staying active with my gym classes and walk/jogging at the park down the street and I've definitely seen my mood improve and my stress decrease with the increase in activity level. I've also been reaching out to friends and trying to be more social, which can be stressful for me but also benefits me in many ways. I've even begun a new volunteer gig with the blood bank! I have to take it slow and be aware of my stress levels and anxiety but the increased activity tends to keep me outta the darker spaces in my mind and I think is the right way to go for me :o)
In other news, my uncle isn't doing so hot. Like, he could go any minute type of thing. Apparently he has three types of cancer and some other health issues that make treatment impossible and it's complicated and not pretty.
This is my mom's brother and I think I mentioned on here that her sister, my favorite and bestest aunt, died this past January while I was hospitalized the 2nd time-so having her brother pass in the same year... I mean, come on. She's having a tough time. I don't know what more to say about it other than I'm hoping that he is comfortable and that his son gets to see him before he passes, he hasn't been doing so great for years so it's not shocking or that unexpected, but definitely still sad and a shift for our family.
Oh, speaking of, my sister had her gallbladder out. That was unexpected but not necessarily shocking because she's had wonky health issues and if anyone was gonna have their gallbladder out at 23 it would be my sister...
Anyways. My thoughts have been doing some racing and I've had some dark moments but thankfully my DBT skills have been helping a lot. Sort of odd, there was a local shooting and one of the victims was a babysitter that the hubs and I used during my first hospitalization... hearing that on the news definitely stirred up some feelings! So scary having something like that hit so close to home. Ugh.
This post is all over the place but so be it. Life is happening and it ain't neat and pretty or easy, it just is!
Sorry if I haven't been keeping up with your posts lately. I haven't been on the computer much at all but I've been thinking about it and wondering about everyone! Thanks for reading :o)
We have also switched up things on the medication front by discontinuing an anti-anxiety pill (it was primarily a blood pressure medication and while I didn't get any anti-anxiety benefits I was getting a lot of dizzy spells during my exercise classes that I didn't appreciate!) and starting another mood stabilizer. I've had such little luck with these meds that my hopes aren't up very high but I do hold out some hope that I'll see some type of benefit. At least I haven't seen any hives this time (yet!).
I've been staying active with my gym classes and walk/jogging at the park down the street and I've definitely seen my mood improve and my stress decrease with the increase in activity level. I've also been reaching out to friends and trying to be more social, which can be stressful for me but also benefits me in many ways. I've even begun a new volunteer gig with the blood bank! I have to take it slow and be aware of my stress levels and anxiety but the increased activity tends to keep me outta the darker spaces in my mind and I think is the right way to go for me :o)
In other news, my uncle isn't doing so hot. Like, he could go any minute type of thing. Apparently he has three types of cancer and some other health issues that make treatment impossible and it's complicated and not pretty.
This is my mom's brother and I think I mentioned on here that her sister, my favorite and bestest aunt, died this past January while I was hospitalized the 2nd time-so having her brother pass in the same year... I mean, come on. She's having a tough time. I don't know what more to say about it other than I'm hoping that he is comfortable and that his son gets to see him before he passes, he hasn't been doing so great for years so it's not shocking or that unexpected, but definitely still sad and a shift for our family.
Oh, speaking of, my sister had her gallbladder out. That was unexpected but not necessarily shocking because she's had wonky health issues and if anyone was gonna have their gallbladder out at 23 it would be my sister...
Anyways. My thoughts have been doing some racing and I've had some dark moments but thankfully my DBT skills have been helping a lot. Sort of odd, there was a local shooting and one of the victims was a babysitter that the hubs and I used during my first hospitalization... hearing that on the news definitely stirred up some feelings! So scary having something like that hit so close to home. Ugh.
This post is all over the place but so be it. Life is happening and it ain't neat and pretty or easy, it just is!
Sorry if I haven't been keeping up with your posts lately. I haven't been on the computer much at all but I've been thinking about it and wondering about everyone! Thanks for reading :o)
Thursday, July 21, 2016
Today
Up and down. I started out feeling pretty good this morning knowing that I had my ECT appointment and anticipating relief from my bad feelings, although I was a little nervous because ECT moved to a different hospital and the new surroundings were unfamiliar. I was glad to see familiar faces in the nurses, receptionist, and doctor though.
My appointment went pretty well. Didn't like the anesthesiologist today but they are usually different every time so hopefully I won't have to deal with him again (he started my IV and put it in my hand because it was easiest for him even though I said that it hurt me a lot last time they did that and then he didn't offer to use the lidocaine before the meds to prevent the stinging pain but luckily the treatment nurse that is almost always by my side for treatment remembered my previous experience and encouraged him to use the lidocaine).
I spoke with my doctor about how I've been on a downward slide the last week or so and how the hubster and I were thinking that the next time we would schedule a little sooner, like 2-1/2 weeks instead of 3 to try to prevent me from suffering and having to face the suicidal thoughts and such. She agreed that that was reasonable and sounded like a good idea, even saying that it might help us increase the time between treatments in the long run by avoiding those downward slides instead of me suffering through them.
I felt pretty good immediately after treatment but after lunch I got really tired, my shoulders tensed up, my thoughts started racing, and I began having really emotional moments-good and bad-where I'd suddenly feel immensely grateful and joyous or horribly sad and discouraged. It's been a tough afternoon. I wish I could go to the gym or go for a run/walk at the park but just walking the loop at a slow saunter took some work.
The hubby convinced me to take some Ativan to try and soothe my racing thoughts and reduce some of my tension and I think it's helping a little bit although I did have some major anger flares right after taking it. I think having him sort of managing my coping plan and having BB hollering in the background on top of my discomforts drove me over the edge. I even hollered a bit! Very unusual for me!
Oh, in other news I took a rather nice picture at lunch to send my mom and I thought I'd share it here. Not to often that I feel this good about a picture I take!
Kinda funny story, that drink in front of me is a strawberry lemonade with strawberry puree that they make in-house and it sounded delightful and yet I didn't like it. I swapped it for ice tea for no charge (which I also didn't like much but it was all right enough and I didn't want to refuse a second drink). Well, I ordered this skirt steak sandwich and I didn't like that either (the sweet potato fries and sauce were the best I've ever had anywhere though). I ended up taking three bites of the sandwich just to make sure I didn't like it, even the hubster wasn't interested and at the end of the meal we had over half the sandwich sitting on the plate. The lovely waitress noticed and after we refused a box she asked if I didn't like the sandwich either and I couldn't lie. She ended up taking it off our tab completely! So while I didn't enjoy the drinks or the sandwich, the fries were amazing and service was even more impressive.
Now I'm just going to be trying to cope and make it through the night, hoping tomorrow is better. At least tomorrow I'll be back in exercise class which usually helps at least a little with my mood.
My appointment went pretty well. Didn't like the anesthesiologist today but they are usually different every time so hopefully I won't have to deal with him again (he started my IV and put it in my hand because it was easiest for him even though I said that it hurt me a lot last time they did that and then he didn't offer to use the lidocaine before the meds to prevent the stinging pain but luckily the treatment nurse that is almost always by my side for treatment remembered my previous experience and encouraged him to use the lidocaine).
I spoke with my doctor about how I've been on a downward slide the last week or so and how the hubster and I were thinking that the next time we would schedule a little sooner, like 2-1/2 weeks instead of 3 to try to prevent me from suffering and having to face the suicidal thoughts and such. She agreed that that was reasonable and sounded like a good idea, even saying that it might help us increase the time between treatments in the long run by avoiding those downward slides instead of me suffering through them.
I felt pretty good immediately after treatment but after lunch I got really tired, my shoulders tensed up, my thoughts started racing, and I began having really emotional moments-good and bad-where I'd suddenly feel immensely grateful and joyous or horribly sad and discouraged. It's been a tough afternoon. I wish I could go to the gym or go for a run/walk at the park but just walking the loop at a slow saunter took some work.
The hubby convinced me to take some Ativan to try and soothe my racing thoughts and reduce some of my tension and I think it's helping a little bit although I did have some major anger flares right after taking it. I think having him sort of managing my coping plan and having BB hollering in the background on top of my discomforts drove me over the edge. I even hollered a bit! Very unusual for me!
Oh, in other news I took a rather nice picture at lunch to send my mom and I thought I'd share it here. Not to often that I feel this good about a picture I take!
Kinda funny story, that drink in front of me is a strawberry lemonade with strawberry puree that they make in-house and it sounded delightful and yet I didn't like it. I swapped it for ice tea for no charge (which I also didn't like much but it was all right enough and I didn't want to refuse a second drink). Well, I ordered this skirt steak sandwich and I didn't like that either (the sweet potato fries and sauce were the best I've ever had anywhere though). I ended up taking three bites of the sandwich just to make sure I didn't like it, even the hubster wasn't interested and at the end of the meal we had over half the sandwich sitting on the plate. The lovely waitress noticed and after we refused a box she asked if I didn't like the sandwich either and I couldn't lie. She ended up taking it off our tab completely! So while I didn't enjoy the drinks or the sandwich, the fries were amazing and service was even more impressive.
Now I'm just going to be trying to cope and make it through the night, hoping tomorrow is better. At least tomorrow I'll be back in exercise class which usually helps at least a little with my mood.
Sunday, July 3, 2016
Appointments-Check. Anxiety-Check.
Had ECT Wednesday and a visit with my psychiatrist Thursday so the hubs and I were busy zooming back and forth to Seattle this past week.
ECT went well, I actually felt a mood lift after this time (instead of feeling down like last time) and my mother and I had a good visit. She even stayed for dinner and to see Baby Bananaface despite facing traffic on her way home for it!
The psychiatrist appointment went pretty well but I'm definitely frustrated with the medication situation. We've determined that my anti-anxiety pills aren't really helping so we're weaning off this one and going to try something new. Apparently the new pills are something used for PTSD but it might help me with my nearly all-day anxiety. We're holding off on trying another mood stabilizer for now but I've been having some angry outbursts that the hubster thinks may be symptoms so we might be trying another new pill soon.
I still use Ativan as needed but I've been able to get back to only needing it every few days-there was a week there where I was nearly everyday and that was disappointing for me... I don't like to use the benzos very frequently and I don't like to feel dependent. Thankfully DBT has given me some good skills for coping through some pretty tough anxiety but still sometimes I get wore out and just need some help.
Anyways. Anxiety has sucked lately. Other day I had 5 panic attacks! They're pretty short but still unpleasant and discouraging and 5 in one day certainly made me feel fragile. I even had one during a hike yesterday, I couldn't believe it! It's been really frustrating but I'm doing pretty well considering all the anxiety I deal with-the gym really helps too, even when I can't completely relax and lose myself in a workout I still get a mood lift and some comfort from the exercise.
In other news, I completed a craft project that the hubby got me off Amazon a few weeks back!
I've decided to give it to my childhood neighbors/family friends. They feed the hummingbirds too and have been supportive and comforting to me for many years, a little surprise prize is well deserved!
I really appreciated having the cross stitch project for distraction purposes. For whatever reason coloring just doesn't do it for me, but stitching helps me reach a happy place. I shall have to continue crafting. And puzzles.... puzzles are good.
In other news, the hubster and I got a new game-Upwords. We really like it but it can be challenging! Much more compact than Scrabble so it works out nicely as a game we leave on the dining table to play whenever we feel like it (we also keep Yahtzee! out and keep cards handy).
Sigh. I guess I can't not mention it... I had a mood dip this afternoon and things got dark. The hubs made an offhand comment that triggered my insecurities and I ended up feeling really low and even had some self-harming urges. Well, I have those thoughts pretty regularly but these were more urges-basically things got darker than they have in quite a while and it was pretty upsetting. We were able to recover and get the afternoon back on track but it was sad to see myself like that after doing so well for so long. Have to remember to be gentle with myself and not to judge. Bumps in the road happen but I can keep moving onwards and upwards in a positive direction, no need for a major negative detour!
So, there's the news from Bananafaceland. I've been struggling to keep up on my blogging lately but I'm trying to recommit myself-especially want to write for "Words for Wednesday" this week! It's been too long!
Hope everyone celebrating the 4th has a safe and enjoyable holiday. We're going to my parents for various activities and it's causing me additional anxiety but I'm also excited and think/hope that I'll have fun.
Warm thoughts and gratitude :o)
BONUS PICTURE:
ECT went well, I actually felt a mood lift after this time (instead of feeling down like last time) and my mother and I had a good visit. She even stayed for dinner and to see Baby Bananaface despite facing traffic on her way home for it!
The psychiatrist appointment went pretty well but I'm definitely frustrated with the medication situation. We've determined that my anti-anxiety pills aren't really helping so we're weaning off this one and going to try something new. Apparently the new pills are something used for PTSD but it might help me with my nearly all-day anxiety. We're holding off on trying another mood stabilizer for now but I've been having some angry outbursts that the hubster thinks may be symptoms so we might be trying another new pill soon.
I still use Ativan as needed but I've been able to get back to only needing it every few days-there was a week there where I was nearly everyday and that was disappointing for me... I don't like to use the benzos very frequently and I don't like to feel dependent. Thankfully DBT has given me some good skills for coping through some pretty tough anxiety but still sometimes I get wore out and just need some help.
Anyways. Anxiety has sucked lately. Other day I had 5 panic attacks! They're pretty short but still unpleasant and discouraging and 5 in one day certainly made me feel fragile. I even had one during a hike yesterday, I couldn't believe it! It's been really frustrating but I'm doing pretty well considering all the anxiety I deal with-the gym really helps too, even when I can't completely relax and lose myself in a workout I still get a mood lift and some comfort from the exercise.
In other news, I completed a craft project that the hubby got me off Amazon a few weeks back!
I've decided to give it to my childhood neighbors/family friends. They feed the hummingbirds too and have been supportive and comforting to me for many years, a little surprise prize is well deserved!
I really appreciated having the cross stitch project for distraction purposes. For whatever reason coloring just doesn't do it for me, but stitching helps me reach a happy place. I shall have to continue crafting. And puzzles.... puzzles are good.
In other news, the hubster and I got a new game-Upwords. We really like it but it can be challenging! Much more compact than Scrabble so it works out nicely as a game we leave on the dining table to play whenever we feel like it (we also keep Yahtzee! out and keep cards handy).
Sigh. I guess I can't not mention it... I had a mood dip this afternoon and things got dark. The hubs made an offhand comment that triggered my insecurities and I ended up feeling really low and even had some self-harming urges. Well, I have those thoughts pretty regularly but these were more urges-basically things got darker than they have in quite a while and it was pretty upsetting. We were able to recover and get the afternoon back on track but it was sad to see myself like that after doing so well for so long. Have to remember to be gentle with myself and not to judge. Bumps in the road happen but I can keep moving onwards and upwards in a positive direction, no need for a major negative detour!
So, there's the news from Bananafaceland. I've been struggling to keep up on my blogging lately but I'm trying to recommit myself-especially want to write for "Words for Wednesday" this week! It's been too long!
Hope everyone celebrating the 4th has a safe and enjoyable holiday. We're going to my parents for various activities and it's causing me additional anxiety but I'm also excited and think/hope that I'll have fun.
Warm thoughts and gratitude :o)
BONUS PICTURE:
Tuesday, May 24, 2016
A Tuesday....
Today was a different Tuesday than usual because I had an ECT appointment. The hubster worked from home/hospital so we dropped off Baby Bananaface at daycare together and hung out a bit before heading to my appointment. We got there a bit early so there was some extended waiting but everything went to plan and pretty smoothly except for a little bit uncomfortable of an IV.
After ECT I was starvin' Marvin (so was Hubster) so we hit up the local McMenamin's and gorged ourselves. I had a little bit of a hard time since I get a special medication when I go under that reduces my saliva (apparently I'm an extra-spitty person) and that made eating somewhat difficult. I did really enjoy the meal and our dessert, a salted caramel hazelnut torte that we especially enjoy.
Once we had finished our hefty meal we decided to go for a walk with the dog-or should I say stroll? Normally our walks are rather... zippily paced to where we break a sweat and get our heart rates up but this time was more relaxed and I even took some pictures and videos (feels like I haven't done that in a long time).
A green pinecone on the ground (I don't recall seeing one on the ground before!):
What we are pretty sure now is a type of millipede (Harpaphe haydeniana) but I wasn't sure at the time:
Another little video which I wasn't sure what a bug was-I know the worm is a worm but the other thing?
And a last video about a slug, but not a jumping slug-which apparently exists!
A field bindweed (no I didn't know it was called that, it just reminded me of a morning glory and I liked it):
Overall it's been a pretty good day. I laughed a lot, cried a little, and really enjoyed spending the day with my husband. My jittery feelings seem more mild than usual or I'm less agitated by them, either way I'm grateful for the relieved sensation!
Tuesday, April 12, 2016
J is for Jokes #atozchallenge
This post is part of my first year doing the A to Z Challenge and I happen to be writing under the theme Gratitude: The Things That Keep Me Alive. This is a relevant theme for me as I am struggling with postpartum depression, and also have diagnosed anxiety and bipolar II (just to let you know what's going on with me-it might be pertinent as you read the post below). Thank you for stopping by and reading my post!
J is for jokes because jokes help grease the gears and get me through tough, awkward conversations or simply make life a little more enjoyable for a moment.
I grew up in a family that isn't comfortable sharing many personal feelings or details. Many times I've shared something quite serious or personal and been met with paralyzed silence, but by joking around we can usually get some sort of conversation going even if it's not quite as helpful or purposeful.
I'm also really grateful for jokes because having depressive episodes really, really sucks and it's really tough to do much of anything or keep your mind away from horrible thoughts, but watching some comedy can take me out of my depressive mood for a little bit and jokes can sweep away my sadness for a moment. "The Golden Girls" and stand up or even goofy comedy movies all help me maintain through really tough days and I'm very grateful to have a pleasant coping tool like that!
I also enjoy and am grateful for jokes while joking around with medical staff or office staff. Going to the dentist or getting ECT done can be highly stressful but joking around a bit takes the edge off. So many times I said, "Oh! Here I go. See you guys later!" as the anesthesia swept over me for ECT or joked around with the nurse as they poked me with the big ole needles for my IV. It made things so much better. Even on those days when I felt really horrible, it helped to crack a joke.
And in honor of today's topic, I will share a favorite joke of mine (I favor the wordplay variety):
A raccoon goes to board a plane and he's carrying two pieces of roadkill. What did the flight attendant say to the raccoon?
"I'm sorry sir, each passenger is only allowed one carrion item."
Hahahahaha & ewww!
I think I get the pun loving from my dad! Anyone else have favorite jokes they'd like to share?
*If you didn't get it, carrion = carry-on, and carrion is a word not so commonly used to describe dead and decaying animals or flesh.
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
Sunshiny Day (ish)
Today I had a psychiatrist appointment at 9:00 AM. Right direction, carry on, same ole, same ole.
This afternoon I had a dentist appointment and drove myself (2nd time I've drive since January before the hospital).
Oh boy. I got disoriented. Memory issues major. Thought I was going the right way and ended up doubling back and then going in an HOV only/bus stop area and nearly crying before I doubled back AGAIN and got to the office in time to talk it out with the hubs over the phone and get the tears flowing just before my appointment. Thankfully I have a regular hygienist I see and we vibe so she just rolled with it.
On the way out the office folk behind the desk were all talking about the sun and the upcoming high temps and I was all BLAAAAAHHHH take it back! I like 60 degrees not 70.
They asked if I was going out to enjoy the sun and I said probably not, not my thing. But on the way home, I stopped at a park that I used to walk through all the time when we lived on the other side of the lake. I saw some cormorants and some mallards, a coot or two, and even saw the two bald eagles soaring very far above me on my little saunter.
For a few moments I did enjoy this sunshiny day, a cool breeze and a warming sunbeam or two was soothing after my anxious morning and upsetting afternoon. I was freaked out about driving and all the people around the park area and trail but I survived and I'm okay and I did it. Sunshine: done.
But don't think I totally enjoyed it, I'm still not convinced this bright stuff in the sky is a good thing:
Couldn't decide which pic "captured the emotion" better so y'all get two! Double chin be damned. Any votes? A vs. B in da comments! ;o)
Hope those who are pro hot weather are happy! :o)
This afternoon I had a dentist appointment and drove myself (2nd time I've drive since January before the hospital).
Oh boy. I got disoriented. Memory issues major. Thought I was going the right way and ended up doubling back and then going in an HOV only/bus stop area and nearly crying before I doubled back AGAIN and got to the office in time to talk it out with the hubs over the phone and get the tears flowing just before my appointment. Thankfully I have a regular hygienist I see and we vibe so she just rolled with it.
On the way out the office folk behind the desk were all talking about the sun and the upcoming high temps and I was all BLAAAAAHHHH take it back! I like 60 degrees not 70.
They asked if I was going out to enjoy the sun and I said probably not, not my thing. But on the way home, I stopped at a park that I used to walk through all the time when we lived on the other side of the lake. I saw some cormorants and some mallards, a coot or two, and even saw the two bald eagles soaring very far above me on my little saunter.
For a few moments I did enjoy this sunshiny day, a cool breeze and a warming sunbeam or two was soothing after my anxious morning and upsetting afternoon. I was freaked out about driving and all the people around the park area and trail but I survived and I'm okay and I did it. Sunshine: done.
But don't think I totally enjoyed it, I'm still not convinced this bright stuff in the sky is a good thing:
 |
| A |
 |
| B |
Couldn't decide which pic "captured the emotion" better so y'all get two! Double chin be damned. Any votes? A vs. B in da comments! ;o)
Hope those who are pro hot weather are happy! :o)
Thursday, March 10, 2016
Words for Wednesday (on Thursday)
Thank you Margaret, Sue, and EC for these visual prompts :)
---
Gerald tipped the coffee cup back and took a healthy swallow of cooler-than-hot, warmer-than-warm java before sighing and looking at Susan and the carved stone she held. The stone was about the size of a Quaker oatmeal cylinder and covered in coral growths that collided to form one large blanket of coral. The divers had found the carving near the end of their dive and while it had taken two divers to wriggle the item from its sandy bed, it was light enough for Susan to carry back to the surface on her own.
Susan cradled the stone and peered into the face of the cloaked figure. It appeared to be female, wearing a veil over the large cloak the covered 98% of her body. Two small hands, a chipped face coated in teeny coral with a large beehive hairdo shrouded by a stone veil were all that detracted from the flowing cloak. The coral clung close to the stone and was a golden tone, a separate growth near the base carried some magenta hues; Gerald clenched his jaw imagining the coral dying off as the artifact was imprisoned on land.
"I wonder who she was." Susan mumbled and cocked her head to the left and shrugged. She hugged the carving closer to her body as she reached toward the rattan and glass table in front of her that held her creamy alcoholic concoction of coffee, rum, Kahlua, and cream. His belly flopped.
Leaving his cup of coffee on the side table, Gerald excused himself and walked off the covered porch onto the tropical garden path leading away from the large private rental. He trudged toward the sun-bleached dock, wondering how he'd ended up in a tropical hideaway with a bunch of self-centered, spoiled boozers. He was fairly certain Susan wasn't aware of whom the vice president was, but at twenty-nine with several million in the bank, why should she be?
Gerald shook his head and groaned as he plodded onto the dock and stared across the bright water. He needed off these islands, out of these mansions, and away from the fresh asphalt and bright white borders that gave the turistas the impression that their every activity was sanctioned and welcomed by a forgiving, tropical God.
"A little much?" Gerald heard a female voice behind him and turned to find Andrea, a curly haired dirty blonde about his age. She grinned and laughed, "I would say Susan is the most ignorant murderess in the islands but I think she actually relishes the triumph." Andrea sighed and clicked her tongue.
Gerald shrugged in return and shook his head. "I just wanted to escape for a little bit while my divorce went through. I didn't expect to come down here and survey a bunch of boozing fat-cats ripping up a coral reef."
Andrea smiled sympathetically. "Why don't we leave the gangsters behind and check out some more isolated coves? I have access to a little powerboat and some diving gear; we can check out the reef without changing a thing." Her hands lifted up and to the sides as if leaving the offer completely open for his consideration.
"Hmmm." Gerald murmured as his eyebrows perked. He looked over to her and nodded. "Why the hell not?"
Nearly two hours later they were in a cozy cove half and hour away from the rental and diving though some bright reefs without touching a thing. Andrea carried a waterproof camera and Gerald paddled through the cove enjoying the scenery without worrying about capturing a memory. As their oxygen tanks neared empty levels they reconvened on the powerboat for drinks and snacks, leaving their diving gear on the deck to dry and digging through the hastily packed cooler for water bottles and salsa.
"I'm glad we got a chance to dive out here. Thanks for being willing to give it a go." Andrea toasted Gerald with her sweaty water bottle and reached for a tortilla chip.
"Thank you for suggesting it, I don't know what I would've done if I hadn't been able to do any real diving-murder just ain't my thing." He smirked and toasted Andrea with his own water bottle before plunging a chip into a bowl of bright salsa. "This trip was supposed to be about moving on, recovery, not more bad memories."
"You're telling me." Andrea's eyebrows leaped, "I wasn't expecting a tropical escape to include a ragtag team of spoiled brats looking to scoop up whatever bounty they can find."
Gerald scoffed, "I find it just as satisfying swimming by for a visit and letting it stay right where it is." Andrea smiled and nodded as Gerald lightly grazed her knee with his right hand, "What do you say?"
Andrea sighed and gave a sidelong gaze at Gerald. "I think that a touchless visit can be just as wonderful as any plundering venture," resting her hand on his thigh she turned her head questioningly, "but there are always fun things to do with full contact-though I would never want to endanger any coral."
"Of course, if it were to protect the coral..." Gerald nodded firmly and cleared his throat.
In no time at all the salsa was very much forgotten and the coral certainly had no marauding divers to worry about, while Gerald's recuperating vacation to the islands finally took on a curative tone.
---
Nope. No idea where that came from!
I cancelled my ECT for today since Tuesday was kinda scary and upsetting. So far it's been writing and laundry and we'll see what else I can manage.
Been pretty storm around these parts, hope everyone else is having some nicer weather!
Tuesday, March 8, 2016
%&$*#(#^@(($&%*^(#))#_#((%***
I feel like shit. I feel like shit and the backs of my hands are green with bruises from that idiot anesthesiologist and my head is hurting and I feel sad because I'm not feeling better despite being fried for I don't know how many weeks. I'm over it.
Thinking about ECT and what I am going through boggles my brain... looking at the bruises and holes in my arms and feeling my head throb and thinking about all the resources getting me to and from the hospital twice a week all because of my broken brain and for so many weeks---so many weeks, so much pain, so many pokes, so many pills and I still feel like crap. I sure hope that the DBT therapy helps (I started seeing a new therapist yesterday and I start a new group therapy tomorrow).
My memory has been terrible lately because of the ECT... ugh.
Whatever.
On a separate note but also related to my personal annoyance, my period finally started (relief) but good grief I guess holding it in for a few extra days made for an extra saucy menses. As if I need anything else bugging me!
GOOD
FREAKIN'
GRIEF
PS The hubs and I started re-watching Burn Notice since we finished watching The Adventures of Brisco County Jr. for the second time..... that's enjoyable at least :)
Thinking about ECT and what I am going through boggles my brain... looking at the bruises and holes in my arms and feeling my head throb and thinking about all the resources getting me to and from the hospital twice a week all because of my broken brain and for so many weeks---so many weeks, so much pain, so many pokes, so many pills and I still feel like crap. I sure hope that the DBT therapy helps (I started seeing a new therapist yesterday and I start a new group therapy tomorrow).
My memory has been terrible lately because of the ECT... ugh.
Whatever.
On a separate note but also related to my personal annoyance, my period finally started (relief) but good grief I guess holding it in for a few extra days made for an extra saucy menses. As if I need anything else bugging me!
GOOD
FREAKIN'
GRIEF
PS The hubs and I started re-watching Burn Notice since we finished watching The Adventures of Brisco County Jr. for the second time..... that's enjoyable at least :)
Friday, March 4, 2016
Status Update
I came across this article the other day and .... enjoyed isn't the right word, maybe "appreciated" is the right word? I appreciated this article. I felt encouraged and inspired and reassured and that doesn't happen too often when it comes to embracing my bipolar disorder.
I'm not sure if I'm ready to "come out" other than through this blog and with my psych ward friends (we have our own secret FB group) but this article made me feel like one day, maybe I could be open about it, educate others, live healthier.... maybe. I don't know. We'll have to see.
 |
| I swear, I did not drug his Cheerios! |
Yesterday I met with one of my ECT doctors to discuss my treatment and progress with the right side unilateral treatment and today I had my first bifrontal treatment with both electrodes on my forehead-not bilateral where they are on both sides-with one of the other doctors. Thankfully one of my favorite nurses did my IV and everything went really well, unlike Tuesday where the anesthesiologist ran my IV and fucked it up twice, once on each back of my hand (I'm still sportin' the bruises) before she got it in the crook of my arm.
The anesthesiologist I had today asked about my last experience and if there were any issues with anesthesia and while I hesitated at first she encouraged me and I told her about the torturous IV placement and she was understanding . This time went pretty well, a little sting but hardly noticeable as the sleepy juice went in.
I also saw my psychiatrist this week and discussed my drugs.... oooh so many drugs. I have Lunesta, Klonopin, Ativan, and Latuda. I know some people have more, but for me, this is enough. Grr.
Since I had some pretty bad days earlier this week she's thinking that we may have to up the Latuda in addition to switching up the electrode placement for ECT. Hopefully something will kick into gear, I'm sick of my life being on hold.
It has been really been bringing me down not being able to clean my house, drive, having nausea and headaches, difficulty sleeping, trouble with jaw clenching and shoulder tension.... I'm just not feeling great. That said I have been laughing and joking more. So something is changing, however slowly.
 |
| BB's funny blank face and the hub's happy face. |
In good news, I have been feeling affectionate and attracted to the hubby (yay!) and loving toward the chitlin even though I don't have it in me to take care of him all that much... I get wore out pretty quick. I even play with Fio and cuddle some!
Also, it's been interesting having my mom, dad, and sister help get me to and from ECT. I've never let them see me so vulnerable and out of it (like today I panicked a bit when I couldn't remember if I had scheduled my next appointments) but they have surprised me in a good way.
We still don't talk in too much detail about the bipolar but just the fact that they are acknowledging it and helping me get treatment in such an active and involved way (not just assuming I'm getting drugs/therapy and that it's working) is important to me.
Lastly, I'm sorry I haven't been reading or commenting around the blogosphere much, I just haven't been up to it. That said, ya'll are on my mind and I hope each of you and yours is doing well.
 |
| No, it's not a crime scene photo... he just passed out mid-bottle. Also, he loves playing with leashes, cords, and remotes... |
Wednesday, February 17, 2016
Okay, That's Quite Enough Now...
Had ECT earlier today. The hubby dropped me off and my dad met me there and afterward we went out for lunch (we both have a thing for Port of Subs' #5 smoky cheddar, turkey, and ham sub and I have a thing for McMenamins' salted-caramel hazelnut tart and wouldn't ya know it right down the street from my condo we have both those restaurants so we were able to have exactly what we wanted for our main course and dessert! They served some killer coffee and just as I predicted, Dad really enjoyed the dessert as well-he has a thing for caramel and hazelnut.) Anyways, that's all fine and dandy, but my memory has been a bit troublesome this afternoon.
The doctors and nurses have been asking me if my memory has been giving me grief and I have been replying that it's a little rough right after treatment but I bounce back pretty quickly and it's not too bad overall. Well today, things were really rough afterward. I was more disoriented and struggled to recall memories more than ever before. Whether it was telling the recovery nurse what day it was or picking up what my dad was alluding to going on next weekend (BB's birthday) I was having a tough time. Even now, as I sit in my living room looking at BB's giant elephant stuffie I had a struggled to remember where the hell we got the thing (Ikea) and at lunch throughout our conversation I had a tough time recalling memories and stories that Dad brought up.
Basically, I'm getting more concerned and upset about my memory troubles and thinking that I'm getting to the point where I need to take a break from ECT. I'm not sure if I've quite got to the point where I've maxed out my benefit but I think I've got to the point where I need to lay off the zaps for a while. I can't remember exactly how many sessions I've had but I think I'm to the point where the docs have people take a break because they seem to getting concerned about my... noggin.
So that's going on and I'm also a little upset because I totally forgot that the hubster is in school online right now and I haven't asked how he's doing or offered any support, so I feel pretty shitty about myself as a wife at the moment. I'm feeling better about myself as a mother since I've been playing and cuddling and changing Baby Bananaface more lately as my mood has improved with treatment (yay) and even as a pet-mom I've been more friendly as things have improved.
Oh, did I mention that I forgot to get the hubby a Valentine's Day card? More negative points in the wife category! Although we've been screwing around more so he's not totally getting the short stick lately....
Anyways. I'm feeling scared, disoriented, upset, and forgetful and although I want my mood to improve a little bit more I'm coming to accept that it's time to take a break soon.
In other news, I'm hoping to read more WEP stories soon and there is also something going on with one of my friends from inpatient; one of the guys texted me earlier letting me know that one of the girls is in another inpatient unit around our neck of the woods. I was already planning on contacting her to talk about DBT since I have an intake appointment for a DBT group next week and she's been through a DBT skills course but now I'm even more motivated to catch up with her and find out how she's doing.
So that's some of what's going on with me... and now I'm going to mix up some hummingbird sauce and get back to watching some "Brisco County Jr.". Kind of an obscure, short-lived TV show from the 90s but one of my favorites. As a little girl I had a crush on Bruce Campbell and he was also in this series called "Burn Notice" more recently that the hubby and I enjoyed watching together. He also did those... uh, what are they called... (memory struggles, give me a moment to Google) Evil Dead flicks. I'm not as into those because I'm not really into scary/creepy/ooky stuff but I understand that they are quite popular and have a cult following.
Anyways, off to do my hummingbird sauce! Hope that everyone is doing well, I can't remember if I've kept up with my blogging buddies' blogs lately or not but I'll certainly be trying to catch up when I get the time :) just know that you're on my mind even if I can't recall so!
The doctors and nurses have been asking me if my memory has been giving me grief and I have been replying that it's a little rough right after treatment but I bounce back pretty quickly and it's not too bad overall. Well today, things were really rough afterward. I was more disoriented and struggled to recall memories more than ever before. Whether it was telling the recovery nurse what day it was or picking up what my dad was alluding to going on next weekend (BB's birthday) I was having a tough time. Even now, as I sit in my living room looking at BB's giant elephant stuffie I had a struggled to remember where the hell we got the thing (Ikea) and at lunch throughout our conversation I had a tough time recalling memories and stories that Dad brought up.
Basically, I'm getting more concerned and upset about my memory troubles and thinking that I'm getting to the point where I need to take a break from ECT. I'm not sure if I've quite got to the point where I've maxed out my benefit but I think I've got to the point where I need to lay off the zaps for a while. I can't remember exactly how many sessions I've had but I think I'm to the point where the docs have people take a break because they seem to getting concerned about my... noggin.
So that's going on and I'm also a little upset because I totally forgot that the hubster is in school online right now and I haven't asked how he's doing or offered any support, so I feel pretty shitty about myself as a wife at the moment. I'm feeling better about myself as a mother since I've been playing and cuddling and changing Baby Bananaface more lately as my mood has improved with treatment (yay) and even as a pet-mom I've been more friendly as things have improved.
Oh, did I mention that I forgot to get the hubby a Valentine's Day card? More negative points in the wife category! Although we've been screwing around more so he's not totally getting the short stick lately....
Anyways. I'm feeling scared, disoriented, upset, and forgetful and although I want my mood to improve a little bit more I'm coming to accept that it's time to take a break soon.
In other news, I'm hoping to read more WEP stories soon and there is also something going on with one of my friends from inpatient; one of the guys texted me earlier letting me know that one of the girls is in another inpatient unit around our neck of the woods. I was already planning on contacting her to talk about DBT since I have an intake appointment for a DBT group next week and she's been through a DBT skills course but now I'm even more motivated to catch up with her and find out how she's doing.
So that's some of what's going on with me... and now I'm going to mix up some hummingbird sauce and get back to watching some "Brisco County Jr.". Kind of an obscure, short-lived TV show from the 90s but one of my favorites. As a little girl I had a crush on Bruce Campbell and he was also in this series called "Burn Notice" more recently that the hubby and I enjoyed watching together. He also did those... uh, what are they called... (memory struggles, give me a moment to Google) Evil Dead flicks. I'm not as into those because I'm not really into scary/creepy/ooky stuff but I understand that they are quite popular and have a cult following.
Anyways, off to do my hummingbird sauce! Hope that everyone is doing well, I can't remember if I've kept up with my blogging buddies' blogs lately or not but I'll certainly be trying to catch up when I get the time :) just know that you're on my mind even if I can't recall so!
Thursday, February 4, 2016
Grumble.
Not feeling so great today. Yesterday the ECT doctor asked about switching to bilateral treatment. Part of me doesn't care about potentially losing memories but I am upset about the ECT not doing exactly what it's supposed to do. I've been going under anesthesia and being zapped in the head for weeks and haven't felt much difference. I'm disappointed to be feeling this crappy after this much time. I'm not sure if I have much confidence in switching to bilateral if unilateral hasn't done much for me.
I also get to look forward to new medications that may or may not work. Woohoo.
Ugh. Unilateral. Bilateral. Medications. My therapist says I need to find someone else that is better able to assist me.
...
I'm sad. I feel like a failure. I'm losing faith in the treatments, my doctors.
This sucks.
Poop on a stick.
Poop on a flippin' stick.
Whatever that means.
I also get to look forward to new medications that may or may not work. Woohoo.
Ugh. Unilateral. Bilateral. Medications. My therapist says I need to find someone else that is better able to assist me.
...
I'm sad. I feel like a failure. I'm losing faith in the treatments, my doctors.
This sucks.
Poop on a stick.
Poop on a flippin' stick.
Whatever that means.
Tuesday, February 2, 2016
Yesterday's Appointment
Yesterday, after I blogged, I descended into a full blown panic attack. When the receptionist came to fetch me for my ECT appointment I reacted with suspicion and wariness. She ended up fetching a doctor that was able to help me into the office and order anti-anxiety medications for me. One of my favorite nurses was working there that day and helped calm me down and I went through with my treatment for that day.
That wasn't quite the end of the drama though since as I was waking up in recovery another patient (one I had been in-patient with) was having some sort of reaction/complication. It was upsetting and scary, especially when I didn't want to be anywhere near that place anyways.
Today I am feeling down, not quite suicidal, but very cynical and feeling like the doctors and nurses and whole industry around mental health care is all based on a ruse. I don't see any treatments working for me and it's so disheartening. I'm not quite feeling suicidal but I am concerned for my son's future and feeling like he's nearly guaranteed to struggle with this just as I have and that makes me feel horrible. The hubs says, "No way, he's such a happy, outgoing guy," but I just don't know.
So. Today is an appointment with my psychiatrist and my therapist. I'm feeling pretty skeptical about getting any encouraging news but I'm going anyways. Already not looking forward to the ECT Wednesday. My dad was quite surprised at my state when he arrived there (he was my ride home) and said that if I'm freaking out like that Wednesday he's going to have to pick me up, not Mom cuz she might freak the hell out seeing me like that so soon after her sister died. I know it's totally reasonable what he's saying but it made me feel like a hopeless freak.
But for now, to the psychiatrist.
That wasn't quite the end of the drama though since as I was waking up in recovery another patient (one I had been in-patient with) was having some sort of reaction/complication. It was upsetting and scary, especially when I didn't want to be anywhere near that place anyways.
Today I am feeling down, not quite suicidal, but very cynical and feeling like the doctors and nurses and whole industry around mental health care is all based on a ruse. I don't see any treatments working for me and it's so disheartening. I'm not quite feeling suicidal but I am concerned for my son's future and feeling like he's nearly guaranteed to struggle with this just as I have and that makes me feel horrible. The hubs says, "No way, he's such a happy, outgoing guy," but I just don't know.
So. Today is an appointment with my psychiatrist and my therapist. I'm feeling pretty skeptical about getting any encouraging news but I'm going anyways. Already not looking forward to the ECT Wednesday. My dad was quite surprised at my state when he arrived there (he was my ride home) and said that if I'm freaking out like that Wednesday he's going to have to pick me up, not Mom cuz she might freak the hell out seeing me like that so soon after her sister died. I know it's totally reasonable what he's saying but it made me feel like a hopeless freak.
But for now, to the psychiatrist.
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