Writer's Block Edition 1,213

 Okay, I probably haven't had writer's block 1,213 times in my life, but it feels like it today. 

I have writing group with some teacher friends on Saturday morning (which is going to be a busy day) and this might be my last chance to get something written before then unless I stay up late some day. 

The past few months I've written "Convo Exercises" where I focus mostly on dialogue and it's focused around the conflict between my parents and my sister (and to a certain extent her husband as well). It's been interesting, I certainly like writing dialogue and my sister is a fount of inspiration as usual--except for today. Just can't figure out where to go with the next convo. Who would be included? Would it remain about that conflict or branch out? 

My teacher buds had ideas that maybe I could string together several conversations into a little novelette or something and cover more than just the conflict and all the different angles. That said, I'm still frozen.

In addition, I've realized more and more just how different the realms of skill are between me and the rest of the group. The other two are much more versed in technique and better read and more complex. Their feedback is helpful and specific and backed up... I'm so dull in comparison. I haven't torn myself up about it too much, but I feel increasingly like a squeaky third wheel with my purpose being mainly social. A writing duo is different from a writing trio. With three you can call yourself a group, ya know?

In better news, I have an interview today. I'm hopeful but nervous. It's for a receptionist/personal assistant position at an accounting office. I don't have direct receptionist/personal assistant experience but feel qualified and that I would be able to meet expectations quickly. I've had to hit the ground running with teaching and this current position, learning so many systems and regulations quickly... I just have to convince the hiring team of this. 

Overall I usually have a good time at interviews, so hopefully it'll at least be a good meet up. 

My mother is coming down for BB's birthday in a couple weeks. I'm excited and plan to take his birthday day off to spend with my mom and prep for a celebration. His party is that following Saturday. Ten years old, can you believe it??? He's a cool kid. I'm so glad for him. Sure, he's got challenges and we struggle sometimes, but overall he's a joy and a quirky little entertainment and well of love.

At night when I turn off his light, I  say, "I love you."

He says, "I love you more."

I start to close the door and say, "I love you most."

He tries to counter with, "I love you most times infinity!"

"That's not how it works!"

Haha :o)

Writing After a While

Been feeling a bit small and broken. In the face of new hire paperwork, signing an official contract, and registering for new teacher trainings... not to mention the daunting prospect of preparing a classroom and curriculum for 120ish kids. I'm having a hard time seeing the now from the future's fears.

I find myself wanting to feel worse than I do. I feel my meds working and my sanity fighting harder for majority rule. Yet that dark side is pushing, trying to regain control and part of me wants it to. I want a crisis to get me out of this pressure. I want to be in more pain so I have an excuse, a reason to say "I can't" as opposed to "I'm afraid." It feels sick and twisted and yet reasonable too.

The hubs is so pragmatic compared to my emotional turmoil. He reminds me to focus on the now and what I've done toward my goals today, not the goals in entirety, everything at once as if it needs to happen NOW. It's not realistic or true. I do have some time to get everything done. I even have time after school starts to keep working on my trade and preparations. It's ongoing. So like life, no real finish line, just so many beginnings.

Anyways.

Haven't written in a few days so we'll see what happens with this week's Words for Wednesday!

1.  Mythology                                             7.   Barrier

2.  Contemporary                                       8.  Captivate

3.  Instinct                                                    9.   Companion

4.  Overture                                               10.   Unique

5.  Banter                                                   11.   Affair

6.  Groundbreaking                                 12.   Interior  

The mythology was captivating and unique. My companion in the bunk above would not have appreciated the lush interior of the science fiction novel; the unique and groundbreaking fiction creating a world similar to ours but different enough to captivate and educate. It seems we don't learn as well from our own examples. Simple banter over a character's affair becomes an overture about my own secret desires for a different life that I know would doom me. Yet that instinct to dream persists. The barrier to my happiness was surely the inability to accept my reality according to the book and I couldn't argue with this ancient as well as contemporary wisdom. How many pop psychologists touted the same fixtures of happiness? And yet how many societies pushed for change and desire. I devoured the book and it's fantastical content, relishing the mystical characters that I shared so much in common with. Maybe someday I would become actualized like the protagonist and yet part of me wished it would never be so and that I could cherish this book forever in my struggle.

Well there ya have it. It feels a little vague and not quite fleshed out but I think it touches on some of the heady thoughts I've been dancing with lately.


In other news, the hubbo thinks it might behoove us to move sooner. Saving money and such. I'm afraid of the whole prospect. All the worries about school and then the fact that I haven't begun packing a single thing! So much pressure. Mostly created in my own mind... I'm not alone. No one expects me to be perfect. And most everyone I've spoke to about the move has been so happy for me and supportive and excited-I know that they see something in me that I can't see myself right now.


I just have to step back.


These tiny steps back and forth. I feel like a worm!

Words for Wednesday and Breaking News

Whoa, these words look way challenging to me today! Let's see where they take us...

1.  Physical                                                 7.  Bearing

2.  Partial                                                    8.  Accomplish

3.  Performance                                          9.  Deficient

4.  Melee                                                    10.  Hullabaloo

5.  Odyssey                                                11.  Concrete  

6.  Amplify                                                12.  Cultural

The hullabaloo was becoming an odyssey. With the benefit of technology, the performance had become physical and not just oral. The FaceTime calls were racking up and a melee of off-balance facial expressions and overlapping comments were exciting but draining. The lack of body language created a deficient climate for proper conversation. The difference wasn't cultural as much as technical and it was a flurry of interactions in mere minutes of weighty exchange.

The news had broken. It was concrete. We were moving to Utah and the secrecy that had shrouded our efforts at finding employment in the foreign state amplified the drama of the reveal. There had been partial truths; honest moments between family and friends about genuine but generalized apprehensions and hopes. Now that the deed had been accomplished we were able to air the dream. Not that opinions would have any bearing on our family's mission to chase new opportunities... but it certainly helped feel like we wouldn't be completely alone 800 miles away.

Once again I am surprised by where the words end up falling. I always suspect they will be therapeutic and reach into my own world, teasing out pieces of me that need a voice. Sometimes it works out that way and other times I get shocking pieces of fiction that I never see coming.

So, yep. The news has broken. We have told my family that I accepted a position in Utah and that we'll be moving in July. Roughly two months actually... I think. Yep. Calculating dates is a form of math right? Ugh!

My parents were shocked. The hubs and I thought maybe they had had some sort of suspicions but no. My mom actually cried and I think my dad teared up too. It was so validating to know that they care and so encouraging to hear their support and excitement for us. 

My siblings had two very different reactions. My sister thought I was lying. Straight up, wouldn't believe it despite not being able to figure out what kind of joke I was supposedly pulling. She was upset when she realized how sad my nephew would be at BB moving away and we resolved to make some sleepover dates before then. 

My brother was more... stoic. "Cool. Congrats." Not really phased, but definitely surprised.

So here we are... one step at a time. I'm going to be a teacher and a Utah resident before I know it. I'm moderately terrified at the prospect. It's SO MUCH to be a teacher. Parent/teacher conferences sound like a dungeon sporting a variety of tortures. Thankfully I've got some teachers in my life and the lovely internet to help support me as well as some veteran teachers at my new school. (MY NEW SCHOOL!)

Be well :o)

Words for Wednesday

As usual, somehow this became therapeutic and part of my life-with a healthy dose of fiction!

False
Moon
Whispers
Broken
Lies
Tree


And/or


Body
Night
Black
Cry
Water
Action

A shaggy pine tree stood black in the night sky while a cooling fire lie broken below. My huddled body was chilled. Small actions like rubbing my hands or wiggling my calves together didn't do much. The plastic chair with mismatched outdoor cushion was surprisingly comfortable and the heartily built fire ring built of concrete blocks was grimed up with joy and char. Somehow this moon was cooler than last week's. I took a sip of water and cleared my throat.

"I didn't want to be so deceitful." Somehow whispers left my mouth despite my attempt to speak up. "Please don't cry--"

Broken sobs came from across the pit and I shuddered, starting to cry myself.

"It's not just the lies," she mumbled, "it's more that you couldn't trust me. I couldn't be there for you."

Trust had been broken. Rather, dreams had been broken. What each person had dreamed could be true wasn't a possibility to imagine anymore.

False hope no more.

Words for Wednesday

Words for Wednesday! 

I REALLY didn't think I could do this one and somehow I managed to get all of the words in this week. Went a.... unique direction ;o)

Toilet
Sunlight
Dogma
Spurs
Vine
Wilting

And/Or

Ashen
Brexit
Colgate
Distillery
Elegance
Flighty

His toilet time dogma was getting old. The need for "alone time" was understandable but holding up traffic in the only bathroom in the house was crossing a line. Twenty minutes considering the pros and cons of Brexit was a bit much for a bathroom break. Even spurs wouldn't get this guy to get going. The dim room lacked sunlight and a wilting vine tried desperately to lend an exotic essence to the chamber. Smudges of Colgate on the counter an ashen reminder of the room's functionality and lack of elegance. This was no church, no center of genius. It was bathroom. Much better to sit at the distillery contemplating life's questions than a water closet. Still, he was a flighty member of the family escaping to the refuge multiple times a day. His toilet time dogma wasn't going anywhere soon.

A Few Things

A) Had a happy anniversary yesterday. There were certainly some "aaagh!" moments (read: potty training & toddler parenting & WTF is a potato doin' tasting like that) and overall it was a good day.

I got the chores done that I wanted to and when the hubs came home I felt like I had "made the home" for him. I had on a dress I know he likes and he walked in with a big smile and a nearly-as-big bouquet for me.

Roses-but-not-roses per my usual taste ;o)

We had special steak from the butcher and after dinner we went to Freddy's and checked Baby Bananaface into the childcare for what we hope would be nearly an hour of "us" time strolling about the store with some java.

Well. We've been potty training, as I mentioned, and BB started dropping the "potty" word. We got paged. I went through the trouble of taking him to the bathroom and stripping down his bottom half to get him on the toilet. He just ran around bare-assed, giggling and evading the pants in my hands.

Yuck-y. Washed those socks right when we got home. *facepalm*

Ended the evening wrapped in fuzzy throws on the couch watching some "Forged in Fire" and mumbling on in pleasant, exhausted conversation littered with tangents...

B)  Let the record show:

I can't remember exactly what I was "right" about.... that's not as important as the hubster's words immortalized on video! (Hoping it plays right... me/technology/ack)


C) I know we got some fellow word nerds around here and I'm wondering what the thoughts and feels are about this bit of internet discussion:

It's apart of economic bulimia, society binges on all of the latest and greatest trends, resulting in a purge into landfills. So they can consume again ostentatiously trying to manifest some artificial semblance of happiness.

Some of the word choices perked my eyebrow. I agree with the gist, there's just something about the delivery that scrunches my brow. Thoughts?

Words for Wednesday on Thursday

This week's words come from this here blog and are quite a challenging group! I will do my best and we'll just have to see where this goes...

-starship
-unicorns
-dogs
-life
-coma
-stroke
-fiction
-award

You'd think I'd come off some starship from some faraway galaxy with no concept of humanity the way I gaped at those panties. Dangling them in front of my face and wondering who the first ones to wear underwear were all those years ago? How many different phases had undies gone through until they evolved into the varieties we see today? 

I shook my head and thought about all the times I had put on panties without giving them a second thought. I couldn't fathom how many little things there were like that I accepted day in and day out as just part of life. Today I just happened to come out of the shower then pause and wonder. The sense of curiosity felt familiar yet special; bringing back memories of learning something new in school and being fascinated. That just doesn't happen as frequently anymore.

I finished getting dressed and flicked my still dripping hair behind my ears. I was feeling lazy and didn't even brush it. My hair care plan for the day was to let it dry out while I brewed some coffee and proceeded to tackle my mission for that afternoon: sorting through the stash of baby stuff in the closet and finding things to give to my expecting friend.

Digging through the piles of baby clothes and burp clothes was less sentimental than I expected. Only a few of the items stirred memories, so much of those early months had been obscured by the ECT treatments. I wondered if other women that hadn't been through such a postpartum hell would've been feeling mushy and craving another baby as they sorted through such items? It wasn't puppy dogs, sparkles, and unicorns for me. The thought of another child is still terrifying. Maybe it won't always be, but for now, one is enough. 

I smiled and thought of how much my husband and I had appreciated inheriting these baby clothes from a family friend. The thought of being able to provide my friend with the same blessing brought up waves of joy. I happily sipped coffee between piles of clothes and contemplated how much had happened in all the months since our son had fit into them. 

So many of the memories were lost to me at the moment, but the thought occurred to me that I didn't really need to know. That was then and this was now. I was working on being the best mom I could be now, after the two hospitalizations, outpatient program, months of therapy, trying oodles of medications, side effects, doing months of ECT and weeks of TMS treatments. So much.  It all seems like an over dramatic book of fiction. But it happened. I made it through. We made it. We had made it to a place where I could be cheerfully packing up baby stuff to give away instead of spending my days isolated in bed, my husband wondering if I were safe.

I praised myself internally for all the progress I'd made, imagining a gold sticker in the shape of a medal. It's tough for me to feel good about myself but giving myself little mental awards seems to help. Day after day the little efforts at building confidence seem to build up, slowly but surely. It was tough to acknowledge all the challenges but helpful to acknowledge my strength and perseverance. 

I shrugged and noticed the worn woven bracelet at my wrist. I recalled the young woman that had given me the bracelet during my second hospitalization. I wondered how the conversation would go if someone asked me about that bracelet and I said, "Oh, I got it while I was in the hospital." 

It occured to me that it's not really that often that folks are hospitalized. Maybe it wasn't quite an event like a stroke or a coma, but my hospital stays were weeks long and a major stress on my husband and family. Appreciating the gravity of it all brings up little feelings of guilt and concern but also pride and gratitude. Confusing feelings but overall I'm left with positive vibes thinking of how far we've come.

From inpatient to sipping coffee and paying it forward. That's sure something to be grateful for.

Well, that's how part of my day went. I felt like revisiting some of the feelings and it was certainly a challenge working in the words. Hope it's readable even though I haven't edited it very much! I think many of you will understand what I'm talking about regardless :o)

Thanks for reading and encouraging me to write!

Words for Wednesday

It's "Words for Wednesday" and I'm going to give another go :o) 

I got the prompts from Elephant's Child due to unfortunate circumstances as another blogger that was going to provide prompts had a stroke and can't participate. Please send healing thoughts to Jacqueline AKA The Cranky. Hopefully she will return some day.

I was able to use all but one of the prompt words in my writing this week. It's a personal, non-fiction blurb. I suppose a "musing" is a good way to put it? Not sure what to call it, but I wrote something and that's all that matters!

This week's prompts are:

noble
shine
expressive
charm
odd
biggest

And/or

passion
actuality
top
jar
elevator
angel

---

I ended up with a BA in English Literature after embracing the concept of living a life of passion. I was in college, working part-time at a bank, doing a lot of yoga, and my biggest problem was a sideways romance. With the help of armloads of self-help books and an overly optimistic therapist I found myself enveloped by a sense of faith in the world that may have been a little less than functional. 

In actuality, I wouldn't be a top-selling author by the time I was 25 and my life would include a helluva lot of stairs as opposed to a smooth elevator ride to health and happiness. I hope in time that distance will bring a charming perspective to these challenging times and I can look back at my life like a noble Johnny Cash classic instead of CNN coverage of a humanitarian disaster.

It's a bit odd being on the edge of in the thick of it. No longer a crisis but definitely not recovered. There are days when just making it through takes everything in me and then there are days when I feel my shine returning. Those days I can sense the hope and faith that used to carry me through my days before it was nearly battered to extinction by this postpartum depression.

I've been working at getting better for over a year. Like putting pennies in a jar, my baby steps seem to be adding up to something. People that haven't seen me for a while remark at how good I'm looking and I'm thinking ahead and making plans instead of barely being able to make it through each minute. The progress has been slow and hard to notice, like watching grass grow, yet I'm at a point now where I've clearly made some positive change.  

I've made positive change. It's a fact yet I struggle to believe this, embrace it, and lean on it. After so long going from one crisis to another I've arrived at a place where I can't trust the peace. It's no longer simply peace, it's the calm before a storm and I find myself paralyzed with the fear of my own mind. 

As demoralizing as this is, there is a small part of me that recognizes this as a trace of trauma, a temporary state of mind that I can overcome with more baby steps. When I can stay on top of the fear that perspective helps, when I can't I find myself floundering in that terrifying familiar darkness that has dominated so much of my past year.

While I'm still the creative, expressive wannabe-writer that I was years ago, I am more skeptical and less self-assured. Maybe that will change with time again as it has so far? Right now, instead of dreaming about book tours I dream of days where I feel at ease and am able to relax and enjoy my family. I dream of days where I can make it through without a panic attack or anxiety making me sick to my stomach. I dream of nights where I can cuddle with my husband without anxious thoughts hijacking my brain. 

It doesn't seem like much to ask for but at the same time seems like a lofty, magnificent goal. I know it's the negative, dysfunctional part of my brain when I wish for health and have visions of Indiana Jones snatching the golden idol and being chased by giant boulders enter my mind. My shaken confidence makes it seem that even when I think I'm home free I will be attacked somehow.  

But that is temporary. Like so many other awful symptoms that I've dealt with. I might not have the faith I did when I was younger, but I have enough to hold tight to my belief in baby steps!

---

As for a personal update, my Monday was pretty damn rough. The dark, suicidal thoughts were really sticky and things got pretty distressful rather quickly. Tuesday went a lot better for me although I felt some wobble and fears related to the day before that definitely raised my stress level. 

It's so disorienting having my life shift so abruptly and then feeling somewhat stable so soon afterward-I'm never quite sure how to relax and trust my mood because it's so unstable lately. Hopefully that changes and I get a more calm, stable status quo that I can trust. Baby steps.

Happy Wednesday to all, hope you are well :o)

Write... Edit... Publish: October Challenge

I'm stepping out of my comfort zone a little and participating in a "Write... Edit... Publish" challenge this month!

The themes are "Constellations" and/or "Halloween." I'm not into the scary stuff or Halloween in general, but I was pretty quickly inspired by "Constellations" to write the following scene.

While it's fictional, I draw heavily from my personal life and as I'm still recovering and building up confidence I'm not quite up to intensive review just yet. Thoughts and comments are welcome, but please nothing severe or too intensive (enter anxiety disorder here).

I hope y'all enjoy :o)

-------------

The firewood snapped loudly and sent incandescent sparks toward the stars. A faint glow of solar powered light at the trench toilet near the entrance of the campground was the only other light and the bright glow of stars in the dark desert sky was a strange sight for the two campers from the city. Reclining on a ratty picnic blanket beside the fire, they snuggled close and took in the sky.

“Remember how afraid you were the last time we camped here?” Brad reflected, sighing with pleasure at the very obvious difference in his wife’s state of mind for this stay.

“You mean when I stayed up all night having to pee but being too afraid to sleep or leave the tent? Pretty different from lying here, relaxing under the stars with you!” Sarah responded with a touch of fire as old memories churned. “So different… I still have a hard time believing we’ve come that far.”

“It’s been a long way but you’re in a much better place now. I know, I can vouch for nearly every step of it!” He groaned in emphasis and wrapped his arm tighter around Sarah.

The past two years had been a lifestorm neither saw coming. Some of the best moments of their lives and definitely some of the worst. The birth of a son and then a suicide attempt surrounded by the confusion of recovery and treatments alongside milestones and growth spurts. The exhaustion of new parenthood couldn’t compare to the exhaustion of new parenthood combined with a horribly depressed new mother and overexerted husband scrambling to keep the family together. Who had known heaven and hell resided so close to one another?

It hadn’t quite been a desperate scramble the entire time, but for several months barely surviving had been a monumental task. Only recently life had become more pleasure than pain; more stable, balanced, and positive in a way that felt something like what the mythical ‘normal’ could be.

“It’s still hard sometimes to believe I’m okay. Sometimes I’m afraid the darkness will come back and that it’ll convince me life isn’t worth living again. Definitely less often than before, it used to be everyday, but now it’s only every once in a while I feel those doubts. Still scares me though.” Sarah edged closer to Brad and turned her newly teary face into his shoulder.

“It’s okay to be scared and that’s definitely something worth being afraid of.” Brad whispered the soothing words into her hair. “You’ve been through hell and I walked through some of it with you. I know how you feel being afraid of going through that again. Sometimes when you take longer than usual to text me back I start getting nervous that you’re not okay again!”

Sarah smiled at the confession as confused tears dribbled down her cheeks. She was so grateful to be lying here with her husband after so many months of fighting the depression and anxiety and finding her way back to life, but also so sad thinking of the hardship and terror they had endured together.

“It’s good to know that I’m not alone but it’s sad to hear that you feel those fears too. I wish we didn’t have any of this tainting our lives.” A smattering of guilt flushed her cheeks as she replied, but she caught the feeling as it sprouted and told herself that she had nothing to feel guilty for-it was a terrible disease that tore their lives apart, it wasn’t anything she had intentionally done.

“Life isn’t about fairness, it’s about perseverance.” Brad shrugged and without missing a beat, tuned into her grief, “I know you never would’ve wanted that for our family but it happened. We made it through and we can accept that and move on. That’s life and that’s okay. There’s lots of good parts that make up for it, right?’

“I don’t know how you always manage to maintain that ‘go get ‘em’ attitude. It’s like you’re a Willie Nelson song personified!” Sarah rolled over and up onto her elbow, leaning over Brad as he laid on the blanket, “But no matter how you manage, I love you and I’m glad I made it through too.”

She bent forward and they shared a tearstained kiss under the starry sky before Brad mumbled, “Ya know, some Willie Nelson sounds good about now.”

Sarah giggled and gave him an awkward sideways hug before they snuggled together again on the blanket and resumed their stargazing.

“I don’t know how I managed to find someone like you that would be able to go through all that with me and still be eager to see what’s next!” She shook her head, “You’re amazing, honey.”

“I guess you could say the stars aligned-”

“Stars aligned! That’s only for good, lucky things! We had a frickin’ tornado chasing us and tearing up our lives for two years!” Sarah cut him off, sitting up and staring down at him with blatant skepticism.

“Having the stars align isn’t always a wonderful thing, it can be bad too!” Brad argued. “In our case the stars aligned for a horrible postpartum reaction but they also aligned in ways to help us work it out: the great psychiatrist, the support from online friends, the therapy you got, and the great staff at the hospitals and treatment centers. It hasn’t all been pretty, but it’s all been pretty remarkable how we found the help you needed and you worked so hard to get through this. That’s what I mean by ‘the stars aligned.’”

“Hmm.” Sarah remained suspicious but an inkling of pride and a big dose of gratitude helped her accept his perspective. She kissed him again and said, “Well I’m glad they aligned in that way, but boy howdy, they better not align in that other way again!”

“If they do, we’ll know what to do.” Brad smiled and hugged her close.

WC: 991

---------------

We're still pluggin' away at getting to that sense of 'normal' and 'okay.' Somehow writing this scene out helped me feed my sprouting hope. Maybe someday we will return to that campground and I will feel at ease instead of afraid? Huh, maybe I did deal with some "Halloween" theme after all talking about fears! Haha, not really "Halloween" in my book, just life!

The journey continues. :o)

Thanks for reading!

Words for Wednesday

It's "Words for Wednesday" again and although I'm not thrilled with what I was able to come up with it was something of an outlet to help me process some misplaced feelings of guilt and shame about my disease and the inconvenience and pain it can cause for those close to me... namely the hubby. I think regular readers of my blog will be able to follow along quite easily but I know that my poetry ain't always sensical so please read with a grain of salt.

This weeks prompts are:

prank
arms
regret
light
hostility
crime

and/or

astronaut
wolf
prophesy
guillotine
bootlegger
adorable

-----

If only this were all a prank

Cruel but with a tidy beginning and defined end

Then I could retreat into your arms and recover 

Confident that I was safe

Safe in the light of sanity

Away from the hostility of my mind 

But my illness only recedes to return again

Like a tide without rhythm

Teasing and taunting

I corral what waves I can and ride out the rest

Trying to contain the misery

When I can't it feels like a crime

I regret the pain I've shared 

I know that it wasn't my intent

It wasn't my fault

It was the disease that I host

The disease that I fight

That ugly part in me which is so near yet so far from who I am

But who I am continues to fight

Who I am continues to love

Who I am endures

-----

Ugh! Poetry is not my thing. I'm not sure why I went this route but it was the only bit of inspiration that I had to work with relating to those words, so here we are.  Tried to come up with a title but it wasn't happening.

I wrote something and that's good enough! I'm letting it go!

In other news, I'm doing all right today. Had a good, challenging gym class this morning and despite having my routine be off with the TMS taper in gear I think I'm doing a good job of surfing the anxiety waves and ookey feelings and trying to keep a good attitude about it all. *knock on wood*

The hubster is back at work and helping out with Baby Bananaface again although he's not quite 100% yet. I woke up with a little scratchy throat and am nervous that I'm next, but we shall see! I usually avoid coming down with these things and it's only the boys so hopefully I get another pass.

Still nervous and wary about feeling better. Afraid of relapses or anxiety spikes or panic attacks, but trying to reassure myself that I can handle it and continue to press forward. I even attended an information session about phlebotomy training at the community college (had some tears and fears and anxiety but I survived) and am planning on taking some courses and steps along that path... Little overwhelming now, but I think I can build up to it and get through the scared feelings to a better place in time.

Baby steps are still steps! *fist pump*

Update/Words for Wednesday

Yesterday was rough but with lots of tears and lots of hugs, I made it through. Thank the universe for the hubster. He is something else, I tell ya. He always seems to have faith to spare when my brain gets hijacked and my faith and hope start to fail. Love him. Love him so much. A four-letter word for it seems too small. Love, love, love this man.

Today is the first day of my taper for TMS. This week the goal is treatment Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I see the doc Thursday to gauge how things are going, if the taper schedule is okay, and if we need to change up my protocol again. Yesterday I wasn't sure if I could manage the taper as-is, but today I'm feeling more confident. Those damn blips in my mood are so discouraging and so abrupt, but hopefully this sudden upward trend marks the end.

Anyways. Trying to keep busy today and cope with the upset in my routine (not driving to Seattle five times a week is going to feel weird for a bit). Luckily, it's "Words for Wednesday" and while my brain feels a bit foggy and anxious, I'm going to try and whip something up :o)

This weeks prompts are:

cheerful 

caravan 

some 

gossip

crossfire 

group

And/or

freaky

error 

afterlife

decade 

end

cruise

Sighing with frustration I popped the earbuds out of my ears and gave up listening to my podcast as an overly cheerful caravan of gossiping teens plowed into the small coffee shop. 

"Warm up the blender," I thought, imagining the abundance of whipped cream-topped, caramel-drizzled, sugary espresso beverages the group would order. 

A slight shake of my head and I returned my attention to a steaming Americano and pile of textbooks. The notes I was taking would be transformed into an essay later but at the moment my mind was more willing to consider the annoying aspects of the gaggle of girls at the counter rather than patient care.

I pretended to read while actually tuning into the stream of dramatic conversation and complex coffee orders behind me. It seemed that one of the young women had been caught in the crossfire of an argument between her boyfriend and his ex-girlfriend. Her pals were gasping and criticizing the ex-girlfriend while the girl relayed the epic battle with a hearty helping of exaggeration. 

I sighed again and noticed the furrow in my brow and my suddenly slumped, grumpy posture. "Wait a second, why are these girls getting under my skin so easily?" I wondered, observing my frown and negative feelings.

A little bit of mental prodding and I discovered an uncomfortable puddle of envy in my gut. It had been a really long time since I'd been a part of a giggly gaggle of friends and I couldn't remember when I had last met a friend for a coffee or lunch. Sure, I had a wonderful husband but that companionship wasn't quite the same as "girl time."

A tiny smirk crept onto my face as I felt a wave of warm, self-empathy wash through my thoughts. Not too long ago I would shamed and criticized myself for "whining" or "being too needy," but today my first impulse was kindness and understanding. It was a far cry from the punitive mental patterns I had worked hard at realigning for so many months and I was grateful for the change. 

Instead of remaining agitated and annoyed by the crowd of noisy girls I found myself pulling out my cellphone and texting a friend an invitation out to coffee. Instead of slipping into a rut or feeling sad and angry I felt at ease and even smiled as the girls laughed raucously together and left the shop.

Catching my negative thoughts and navigating my way around them toward some positive, life-affirming alternatives felt like a wonderful achievement. As I sipped my coffee, I mentally toasted myself as well as the crowd of girls for their contribution to my moment of cognitive moment of glory, thinking to myself, "Any mood hurdles successfully tackled during my day definitely warrants acknowledgement."

---

Some wishful thinking today about using my therapy skills in day-to-day life to achieve more happiness. I have used them successfully many times but I'm thinking ahead to a day when those mental patterns become more natural and easy instead of feeling like I'm struggling against the current so much. 

I think I'm wanting to visit a coffee shop so that probably contributed to the scene as well-haha! 

I struggled a bit with my tenses and such today, so I'm sorry if I distress any grammarians! 

:o)

Oh boy-it's official!

I've signed up for a "Write...Edit...Publish" challenge! I'm nervous, for sure, but excited as well. I think with the extra time I'm gonna have as I start my TMS taper I'm going to need stuff to do and writing is a good thing for me :o)

Whew. I'm steppin' out a bit, trying to expand my comfort zone, which triggers some ookey feelings and some good feelings! Just gotta ride the waves <3

Anyways-if anybody else is interested, check out the WEP site and join in!

Update/Words for Wednesday

This week I'm going to blend "Words for Wednesday" with a plain ole update. Never done this before, so we'll see how it goes!


This week the prompts were provided by Margaret Adamson and Sue Fulcher via Elephant's Child blog.

This week's prompts are:

Frantic
Lemon
Parasite
Spine
Pummel
Early

AND/OR

Staggering
Lies
Art
Naked
Preposterous
Windmill

I have been staggering a little of late. The past couple days have found me battling more sadness, tears, and fears than usual as hurtful thoughts and scary suicidal ideation plagues my mind. 

I am doing my best utilizing the skills from therapy and it helps a lot to simply label the hurtful lies as thoughts and dismissing them. Sometimes I use a visualization of a pleasant stream and casting my thoughts in the form of pretty white and pink blossoms to float away on the burbling flow of water.

We are still waiting for insurance paperwork to go through so I haven't started the new medication. There was a false alarm where I got texted that my prescription was ready and I assumed it was the Saphris but it turned out to be my thyroid. Well in the time it took me to get to the pharmacy I had worked myself up into a neat little anxiety fit. I wasn't able to use my skills and my fear of another bout of akathisia got the better of me. There is a chance of experiencing that side effect again but there is also a chance that this medication could work wonders for me (it seems that people love it or hate it) so I'm going to try it and hope for the best.

In other news, we visited my parents this Labor Day weekend and enjoyed playing games and getting a little break from childcare. I was, once again, more upfront about my mental state and it felt good to be honest and even better to get supportive responses from my family. On the downside, I barely slept the night that we stayed there and it was a little frightening having the hubster open the bedroom door on me when I was stark naked! In your home, it's one thing, but while a guest in someone else's home getting caught in the nude is much more troubling-at least to me!

*sigh* As I said, I've been having some challenging, dark thoughts. Unfortunately it seems to have infiltrated my dreams and I had some distressing, nearly-nightmarish dreams last night that upset my rest and spiked my anxiety this morning. It was not pleasant starting my day with such a dark outlook... there is such a strong belief in part of me that I just can't make it work, that I just can't survive. Evidence would suggest otherwise but it is still far too easy for me to believe those dark, preposterous thoughts. Old habits die hard and these bad thought patterns have been with me for a very long time.

That said, I am still fighting the good fight. It might feel like I'm tilting at windmills, but I'm trying to remind myself that I'm worth keeping around and that my pain is temporary and especially trying to focus on the positives instead of letting my mind get stuck on repeat, droning on and on with misery and hopelessness.

I hate to end on a darker note, so I will mention a silly little story from my morning today: I was walking back to the condo after giving Fio his morning break and I noticed a lot of raindrops falling from the maple out front and the leaves shaking-it was quite annoying, like the tree was specifically shaking it's rain off onto me as I passed! I looked up and saw a frantic squirrel racing along the upper branches with some bit of food in its mouth. I was still wet, but seeing the cute squirrel certainly gave the experience a more positive twist :o)

I'm sending out hope, love, and strength to all. My thoughts are with you even if I don't comment or keep up on my reading as I battle through this tough spot. Best of luck, be well <3

Words for Wednesday

As Sue AKA Elephant's Child says, Words for Wednesday is a moveable feast and I'm so happy to be providing the prompts this month.

Prompts can include pictures, phrases, quotes, words, music, or beyond and any combination of the above as well. Participants may use all the words or some, include the quotes or simply be inspired by the imagery, quotes, or music.

However the prompts move you to write, it's a-okay with us! The rules are, "Write, baby, write." Whether it's poems, plays, short stories, prompts, lyrics, or more, whatever you like-just write!


For now, here are this week's prompts:

Crocus

Fount

Shawl

Torch

Knife

Narrative 

You are welcome to put your creation in the comments section below or use the prompts to write your heart out on your own blog (just please leave a comment here so we all can read and applaud your efforts).

Next month prompts will be found back at Elephant's Child blog but provided by Margaret Adamson and her friend Sue Fulton.

Happy Writing!

Words for Wednesday

As Sue AKA Elephant's Child says, Words for Wednesday is a moveable feast and I'm so happy to be providing the prompts this month.

Prompts can include pictures, phrases, quotes, words, music, or beyond and any combination of the above as well. Participants may use all the words or some, include the quotes or simply be inspired by the imagery, quotes, or music.

However the prompts move you to write, it's a-okay with us! The rules are, "Write, baby, write." Whether it's poems, plays, short stories, prompts, lyrics, or more, whatever you like-just write!


For now, here are this week's prompts:

Fireflies (or lightning bugs, per your dialect)

Checkered 

Whistling

Solemn

Thermos

Sliver

You are welcome to put your creation in the comments section below or use the prompts to write your heart out on your own blog (just please leave a comment here so we all can read and applaud your efforts).

Next month prompts will be found back at Elephant's Child blog but provided by Margaret Adamson and her friend Sue Fulton.

Happy Writing!

Words for Wednesday

As Sue AKA Elephant's Child says, Words for Wednesday is a moveable feast and I'm so happy to be providing the prompts this month.

Prompts can include pictures, phrases, quotes, words, music, or beyond and any combination of the above as well. Participants may use all the words or some, include the quotes or simply be inspired by the imagery, quotes, or music.

However the prompts move you to write, it's a-okay with us! The rules are, "Write, baby, write." Whether it's poems, plays, short stories, prompts, lyrics, or more, whatever you like-just write!


For now, here are this week's prompts:

 Whimsy

Shadows

Fluttering

Untied

Ice cubes

Sunbeams

You are welcome to put your creation in the comments section below or use the prompts to write your heart out on your own blog (just please leave a comment here so we all can read and applaud your efforts).

Next month prompts will be found back at Elephant's Child blog but provided by Margaret Adamson and her friend Sue Fulton.

Happy Writing!

Splat, There's a Post!

Today was a tough day... For whatever reason I felt sad and disinterested in my usual activities and it took a special effort to stay busy and distracted and to resist the dark thoughts. Thankfully I'm not being beat up too badly by suicidal thoughts but I'm definitely feeling the challenges of a sad mood.

I wanted to write something for "Words for Wednesday," and my off day definitely influenced my writing! Hopefully I can write more of an update update soon (read: hopefully my mood rebounds and I have a better update to share soon).

Sea green

Froth

Sharp

Thousands

Rain

Abducted

His sea green eyes cheer me on, whisper encouragement and anchor me to this world. Carefully I pick my way through the cluttered path, over sharp shells and thousands of battered tendrils of seaweed that have been carelessly abducted by swiftly flowing froth. The rain falls over us and he smiles as tears crest my lower lids. "Some days are just going to be harder than others and that's not your fault at all," he shakes his head and rubs my shoulder, "You're doing the best you can and that's enough." I nod and sigh, struggling to refocus my brain on the colors around me and breathing in and out at a calculated pace... one moment at a time.

Til next time! Be well :o)

Words for Wednesday

As Sue AKA Elephant's Child says, Words for Wednesday is a moveable feast and I'm so happy to be providing the prompts this month.

Prompts can include pictures, phrases, quotes, words, music, or beyond and any combination of the above as well. Participants may use all the words or some, include the quotes or simply be inspired by the imagery, quotes, or music.

However the prompts move you to write, it's a-okay with us! The rules are, "Write, baby, write." Whether it's poems, plays, short stories, prompts, lyrics, or more, whatever you like-just write!


For now, here are this week's prompts:

Sea green

Froth

Sharp

Thousands

Rain

Abducted

You are welcome to put your creation in the comments section below or use the prompts to write your heart out on your own blog (just please leave a comment here so we all can read and applaud your efforts).

Next month prompts will be found back at Elephant's Child blog but provided by Margaret Adamson and her friend Sue Fulton.

Happy Writing!

Words for Wednesday

It's Words for Wednesday! Come an' get it!

Glad you found me :o) As Sue AKA Elephant's Child says, Words for Wednesday is a moveable feast and I'm so happy to be providing the prompts this month.

Prompts can include pictures, phrases, quotes, words, music, or beyond and any combination of the above as well. Participants may use all the words or some, include the quotes or simply be inspired by the imagery, quotes, or music.

However the prompts move you to write, it's a-okay with us! The rules are, "Write, baby, write." Whether it's poems, plays, short stories, prompts, lyrics, or more, whatever you like-just write.

You are welcome to put your creation in the comments section below or use the prompts to write your heart out on your own blog (just please leave a comment here so we all can come by, read, and applaud your efforts).

Next month prompts will be found back at Elephant's Child blog but provided by Margaret Adamson and her friend Sue Fulton.


For now, here are this week's prompts (a rather hearty offering, but next week should be more petite):

Convalescence - Rancor - Empathy - Expertise - Dangle - Tissues

and/or

Wander - Bolt - Covert - Tempting - Sweet - Familiar

I can't quite explain the connection between the abandoned car and the cupcake batter, but they both reminded me of my childhood so I just went with it. I will post my own creation here tomorrow.

Happy writing and good luck!

Words for Wednesday

I know that there is probably a better way to put this, but for whatever reason I can't think of it-what do I mean? I mean that I'm feeling "wordly constipated." I want to write. I got stuff in my brain to write about but it's sure having a tough time making it's way into the world! Please bear with me this week as I try to work out some words and work in the prompt words/image/phrase provided by Elephant's Child and Olga Godim at EC's blog.

Someone
Hopscotch
Days
Hotter
Hoaxer
Lonely

"I was just wondering if you could solve a little argument?"

I ended up using the words and not the phrase or image, but I left those up there in case anybody else was inspired and wanted to write from those too or instead :o)

--------------------------------------------------------

There wouldn't be a hotter day that summer. Mallory felt an overwhelming sense of stubborn conviction sink into her bones as she jogged around the paved park path. She had very little data to support her conclusion but it seemed like today would have to be the hottest because it was simply the perfect complement to her mental agony. She hated sweltering heat and she hated the misery depression and anxiety brought into her life.

It had been eight days now since her mood began sliding down and her anxiety flaring up. The shift in mental stability made her feel isolated and lonely; sick to her stomach at times and dizzy or faint at others. Images of various suicide scenarios swept through her mind multiple times a day and she struggled to ward off the intrusive thoughts that she was hopelessly flawed and burdensome to her loved ones. She recognized the symptoms of her mental disorders but despite her experience combating the darkness she had been unable to prevent the episode. Now she found herself outside, dripping sweat and risking sunburn while she jogged and trudged around the park in an attempt to bring her mood up and keep her mind from the darker thoughts and urges.

Someone laughed to her right and Mallory glanced toward the paved picnic area to see a group of children playing hopscotch and doodling with chalk. Instead of a smile she felt a frown collapse her features and she heaved a sigh. Hopefully they don't end up like me, she thought, writing off her life as an epic disappointment before catching the flawed thought and dismissing it. Just because I'm having a difficult time right now doesn't mean that my life isn't worth living or that I won't have happier days soon.

Mental manipulations and alterations like this were daily practices even when she was having better days; during the rougher times it was like "Mortal Kombat." For whatever reason she had to live with this type of brain that happened to try and convince her to kill herself from time to time. It was like living with a compulsive liar, some sort of masterful hoaxer attempting to pull one over on you so often that you begin to live in a state of suspicion and fear, unable to relax even at home in her lover's arms or with her closest family and friends. The threat was everywhere she was.

Mallory refocused her mind on her slow jog and counting her steps: 1-2-3-4, 1-2-3-4, over and over until the sadness and anger disappated enough that she could focus on something positive. She chose to think of that morning at the gym and the music from her workout class. Reciting the fun pop songs helped her forget the darkness for a bit while the stifling heat and exertion from the jog contributed to her distraction and further aided her mental escape. 

As her muscles twinged and her breaths became ragged she encouraged herself to keep pushing; one step at a time, one breath at a time. She set a goal of jogging until the next porta-potty before taking a break to walk and suddenly realized that that was life; trying to keep going even when the going got rough, focusing on one step at a time just trying to reach the next benchmark. 

Mallory smirked and shook her head, negative thoughts chiming in about the futility of life and the unavoidable pain and struggle, images of death offering relief and escape. Mallory grit her teeth and confronted the dark thoughts with images of her husband and child, laughter and hope, silent words of encouragement and validation. 

The battle continues, she thought and wondered if the people watching her huff and puff and sweat her way around the park had any idea how much more challenging her mental exercise was. One step at a time. One thought at time. Just keep trying. 

And so she did.

------------------------------------------------------

Definitely some real life inspiration there but a little different :o) Glad I was able to get something out-wasn't sure if I was gonna be able to at first! 

Thanks for reading. I'm going to be providing the prompts next month (EEEEEEEE! Nervous and excited!) so things might be a little different hereabouts on Wednesdays but I'm still going to try and write and keep the updates coming. August here we come!