Today is the first day of my taper for TMS. This week the goal is treatment Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I see the doc Thursday to gauge how things are going, if the taper schedule is okay, and if we need to change up my protocol again. Yesterday I wasn't sure if I could manage the taper as-is, but today I'm feeling more confident. Those damn blips in my mood are so discouraging and so abrupt, but hopefully this sudden upward trend marks the end.
Anyways. Trying to keep busy today and cope with the upset in my routine (not driving to Seattle five times a week is going to feel weird for a bit). Luckily, it's "Words for Wednesday" and while my brain feels a bit foggy and anxious, I'm going to try and whip something up :o)
This weeks prompts are:
Sighing with frustration I popped the earbuds out of my ears and gave up listening to my podcast as an overly cheerful caravan of gossiping teens plowed into the small coffee shop.
"Warm up the blender," I thought, imagining the abundance of whipped cream-topped, caramel-drizzled, sugary espresso beverages the group would order.
A slight shake of my head and I returned my attention to a steaming Americano and pile of textbooks. The notes I was taking would be transformed into an essay later but at the moment my mind was more willing to consider the annoying aspects of the gaggle of girls at the counter rather than patient care.
I pretended to read while actually tuning into the stream of dramatic conversation and complex coffee orders behind me. It seemed that one of the young women had been caught in the crossfire of an argument between her boyfriend and his ex-girlfriend. Her pals were gasping and criticizing the ex-girlfriend while the girl relayed the epic battle with a hearty helping of exaggeration.
I sighed again and noticed the furrow in my brow and my suddenly slumped, grumpy posture. "Wait a second, why are these girls getting under my skin so easily?" I wondered, observing my frown and negative feelings.
A little bit of mental prodding and I discovered an uncomfortable puddle of envy in my gut. It had been a really long time since I'd been a part of a giggly gaggle of friends and I couldn't remember when I had last met a friend for a coffee or lunch. Sure, I had a wonderful husband but that companionship wasn't quite the same as "girl time."
A tiny smirk crept onto my face as I felt a wave of warm, self-empathy wash through my thoughts. Not too long ago I would shamed and criticized myself for "whining" or "being too needy," but today my first impulse was kindness and understanding. It was a far cry from the punitive mental patterns I had worked hard at realigning for so many months and I was grateful for the change.
Instead of remaining agitated and annoyed by the crowd of noisy girls I found myself pulling out my cellphone and texting a friend an invitation out to coffee. Instead of slipping into a rut or feeling sad and angry I felt at ease and even smiled as the girls laughed raucously together and left the shop.
Catching my negative thoughts and navigating my way around them toward some positive, life-affirming alternatives felt like a wonderful achievement. As I sipped my coffee, I mentally toasted myself as well as the crowd of girls for their contribution to my moment of cognitive moment of glory, thinking to myself, "Any mood hurdles successfully tackled during my day definitely warrants acknowledgement."
Some wishful thinking today about using my therapy skills in day-to-day life to achieve more happiness. I have used them successfully many times but I'm thinking ahead to a day when those mental patterns become more natural and easy instead of feeling like I'm struggling against the current so much.
I think I'm wanting to visit a coffee shop so that probably contributed to the scene as well-haha!
I struggled a bit with my tenses and such today, so I'm sorry if I distress any grammarians!