At the TMS office they talk about how recovery isn't always linear and that there can be "blips" along the way, not necessarily huge depressive episodes but a few days that send you for a spin.
Well, I think I'm blippin.
It's been a few weeks since I've felt this bad-and that's a big accomplishment going so long at "okay" levels-but it still feels horrible to be down again. It continues to amaze me how fast I can dive and how easily the darkness rips away my own mind and replaces rational thought with suicidal propaganda.
I was just beginning to feel like I was officially "feeling better" and gaining a sense of self as a healthier person and not just a sick-in-the-head patient, but in a flash that sense of self, that sprouting confidence, that hope has been ripped from me. I'm still hanging in there, but the dark thoughts are intruding and I'm so weary of the fight I just want it to be over. Win, lose, or draw doesn't matter to me in those moments, I just want out.
Such a storm of emotions when I'm caught up in these times. Anger and sadness seem to be big ones for me. I noticed today how sad and angry I was at having these thoughts and feelings seem to hijack my personality, my soul, my being. I didn't care about what happened to other people after I potentially killed myself, I just wanted the fight to be done with-and that's not the real me. The real me cares about my loved ones and believes that life is worth living and recognizes the blessings in my life, but that diseased mind dismisses it all so easily.
I've been trying to catch the dark thoughts and label them and dismiss them, usually saying something in my head like, "It's the disease... I can let that go." Or I imagine the dark thoughts like a tree releasing all it's leaves at once and I have to sweep them out of my mind. It seems to help a little, but there have been many moments where I'm simply so fed up and sad that I slump over and tear up wherever I might be. Not nice.
So today is another teary, rough day and I'm slugging along trying to stick to my schedule and keep brushing off the intrusive, bad thoughts. I wish I could read your blogs and comment and catch up but I just can't handle it right now. I think I'll go scrub some counters and clean some floors instead. Not that those are equivalent activities, but-ugh- I don't mean to be insulting. Ay, whatever! I will catch up on blogs some other time, so while I'm not there now just know that I think of you and wish I was.