Words for Wednesday and Breaking News

Whoa, these words look way challenging to me today! Let's see where they take us...

1.  Physical                                                 7.  Bearing

2.  Partial                                                    8.  Accomplish

3.  Performance                                          9.  Deficient

4.  Melee                                                    10.  Hullabaloo

5.  Odyssey                                                11.  Concrete  

6.  Amplify                                                12.  Cultural

The hullabaloo was becoming an odyssey. With the benefit of technology, the performance had become physical and not just oral. The FaceTime calls were racking up and a melee of off-balance facial expressions and overlapping comments were exciting but draining. The lack of body language created a deficient climate for proper conversation. The difference wasn't cultural as much as technical and it was a flurry of interactions in mere minutes of weighty exchange.

The news had broken. It was concrete. We were moving to Utah and the secrecy that had shrouded our efforts at finding employment in the foreign state amplified the drama of the reveal. There had been partial truths; honest moments between family and friends about genuine but generalized apprehensions and hopes. Now that the deed had been accomplished we were able to air the dream. Not that opinions would have any bearing on our family's mission to chase new opportunities... but it certainly helped feel like we wouldn't be completely alone 800 miles away.

Once again I am surprised by where the words end up falling. I always suspect they will be therapeutic and reach into my own world, teasing out pieces of me that need a voice. Sometimes it works out that way and other times I get shocking pieces of fiction that I never see coming.

So, yep. The news has broken. We have told my family that I accepted a position in Utah and that we'll be moving in July. Roughly two months actually... I think. Yep. Calculating dates is a form of math right? Ugh!

My parents were shocked. The hubs and I thought maybe they had had some sort of suspicions but no. My mom actually cried and I think my dad teared up too. It was so validating to know that they care and so encouraging to hear their support and excitement for us. 

My siblings had two very different reactions. My sister thought I was lying. Straight up, wouldn't believe it despite not being able to figure out what kind of joke I was supposedly pulling. She was upset when she realized how sad my nephew would be at BB moving away and we resolved to make some sleepover dates before then. 

My brother was more... stoic. "Cool. Congrats." Not really phased, but definitely surprised.

So here we are... one step at a time. I'm going to be a teacher and a Utah resident before I know it. I'm moderately terrified at the prospect. It's SO MUCH to be a teacher. Parent/teacher conferences sound like a dungeon sporting a variety of tortures. Thankfully I've got some teachers in my life and the lovely internet to help support me as well as some veteran teachers at my new school. (MY NEW SCHOOL!)

Be well :o)

Good grief, yes, indeed, the prunes worked.

We've seen blowouts but today was the first "real poo" diaper mudslide, melted chocolate, "oh dear God, give me another wipe" blowout.

True to form, Baby Bananaface was totally chill and reserved despite the massive load between his legs. He'd crammed poop up the front and nearly out the back and so thick it was solid brown front, sides, and back. Even as the hubs and I were gagging on the stench of processed prunes, carrots, rice cereal, formula, and breast milk, we were pretty impressed and proud of him.

In other news, today was a rough day but a good day to some degree.

I got my hair done early this morning and from there went north to a La Leche League meeting (cue trouble). I was afraid to try the valet parking and ended up parking in the "same olde parking garage" which would've been fine but I was already 15 minutes late and found myself driving to the next to last level (aaahhh!) and then I got confused and a bit lost trying to find my way to the right building and got teary despite a lovely lady helping me out. By the time I got to the right place and the friendly security guard asked me if I was all right I lost it (AKA box of tissues, multiple wads, racking sobs at the security desk lost it). Eventually I made it to the meeting, red eyed and shaking. I changed the babe off to the side and then kept mostly to myself, avoiding eye contact and shadowing B.B. as he crawled everywhere. I chimed in a bit at the end but was mostly fragile and embarrassed. Nobody inquired and pressured and we went from there to a drive thru for lunch and from there to therapy back south.

Therapy went pretty well, a few tears but not a totally breakdown. We talked about schedules and for my family's sake getting a schedule figured out and stuck to. We've been pretty "free and wild" as far as following baby's lead but the hubs and I need a bit more.... nurturing (?) carved out for ourselves, individually and as a couple, so .... schedule. Tough thing for me, but gonna try to work on it.

Went to a restorative yoga class this evening. Quite late for my schedule but I was very glad that I went (invited by a friend).


Heard on the radio about a Danish zoo doing a live dissection for school kids. Apparently it's causing a fuss (just not in Denmark) and I found myself sort of disgusted but supportive. I guess I'd like to be the kind of person that supports that sort of science-y sensibility full bore but I'm not sure I'll ever have a stomach for dissections. I got queasy cutting up a worm in biology class. Yes, we did dissect worms and yes, I really did get queasy. Seriously.


Egh. To bed with me. Again, so tired, so through with my day!

Babymoon-DONE!

We've declared our babymoon a success, though I must say we took things a lot slower than we anticipated, mostly due to me coming down with a cold shortly after arriving in Canmore :/ Despite traveling with masses of tissues and phlegm we managed to see most of the things we planned for and found some fabulous dining (my taste buds weren't totally defunct).

Our favorite food spots included Trough and OEB with the Trailhead Cafe in Lake Louise a surprising lunch success. Trough and OEB were straight up, best of the best, making it on the list of our favorite food spots ever. The hubster enjoyed a brew at Grizzly Paw but we didn't eat out all that much (well, we've discovered Canadian A&W to be vastly superior to the American version). Instead we managed to eat quite a few meals at the condo and save some cash, which was nice and worked out well with my low energy/food motivation.

We really enjoyed Cave and Basin but the Banff museum was closed for renovations. The scenic drives around Tunnel Mountain and the Icefields Parkway were awesome (a low-flying eagle may have scared the bejeezus outta the hubster at one point) and the mountains blew our minds. They are beyond big up there, as are the ravens (another bird that the hubster was not enthused by-but I sure did!).

The hubster found the teddy bear he wanted for baby in Banff and I found a cute board book with adorable bear illustrations. Otherwise we sent some postcards and snagged some Kinder eggs while the getting was good but opted out of most souvenirs.

Broke in our new camera (we may still be getting the hang of it) and managed to do the Peyto Lake/Bow Summit hike (I was wheezing, I tell ya what), toodle around the Marsh Loop at Cave and Basin, and walk around Lake Louise a bit but not a full trail journey. Between the congestion and general fatigue I was experiencing things were pretty laid back. It was pretty chilly for us too so viewing sites from the warmth of the rental car was a natural alternative!

We found the golden larches I so wanted to see and learned a lot at the Ammolite Factory tour, even saw some new species for us at the zoo in Calgary. All in all, it was a lovely trip with amazing views, only a few hiccups and a lot of pleasant surprises. The hubster seems to be coming down the cold I had during our stay and I unfortunately barfed on two of our three flights but the good definitely outweighed the bodily fluids.

On a side note, we got rather wrapped up with the Canadian news of the week. Sadly our trip coincided with two horrible attacks; our anniversary involved a hit-and-run of two Canadian soldiers and then a couple days later the shooting at Ottawa. Being American we are a bit desensitized to that sort of violence but the fact that it was on Canadian soil really struck us and it was fascinating watching the news coverage and how CTV handled things as opposed to how American news handles such occurrences. I was very happy to see many of the guest speakers and hosts refrain from sensationalizing too much (it still happened but was kept pretty well in check) and focus on positives and national pride more than fear and reactionary statements. Stay classy, Canada.

In other news, I am shocked at how long my hair is! And how pregnant I'm looking.... Starting to sink in! And here is photographic evidence with a lovely grimace...

I'm not a huge fan of head colds or creepy Halloween decorations. It's a double whammy grimace.

More Fascinating Egg Facts

Found this article on ye olde FB feed and being ever fascinated with eggs and the intricacies of their existence and appearance in supermarkets I had to read and share.

New Baby News

Wednesday it was announced that my brother-in-law and his wife are expecting their second child, a girl. Talk about timing with my case of baby fever!

The news broke over Facebook, but since my brother-in-law blocked me, my mother-in-law, and one of my sister-in-laws the news became bottle-necked with my husband serving as newsboy. Yes. Quite the ridiculousness I know.

Anyways, my husband didn't mention anything to me (knowing I was in the throws of baby fever) but his mother called after receiving an email with only an ultrasound video in the body. Kinda left some information to be desired! He caught her up and since I was sitting right beside him, I learned "through the grapevine" the new baby news.

I immediately welled up. I was able to stifle my reaction for the most part. As we were doing errands and had some odd transportation issues that day once he dropped me at my car to drive home I was able to sob it out to my heart's content (while attempting to maintain safe driving visibility!) but apparently my rushed hush-hush sobfest wasn't enough. I ended up trying to call my mother that evening while at Costco and found myself crying amid the seasonal pallets and lawn furniture. Needless to say the voicemail I left was... memorable.

The hubster talked to his mother more that night as well and somehow we found ourselves with the idea that I should email her for advice (since my mom didn't have too much to offer me in way of advice and we thought his mom might know something about baby fever). I emailed my mother-in-law the next day and her words brought me comfort.

In addition to talking and typing out my baby fever emotions, I wanted to do something symbolic the celebrate the new baby in the family and help dispel my jealousy and sadness... So today was "pink mission" and the hubby brought home pink carnations, we found a token of pink cuteness, toasted the new baby with some Roscato wine and devoured a pink-filled cake in a celebratory homage!

We don't feel very much like "Uncle" and "Aunt" but celebrating the new addition (to-be) felt appropriate and satisfying. I wonder if we'll feel our roles more when my siblings have kids? My sister and brother and I have communicated our desire to keep the family close as we get older, having our kids familiar with each other instead of feeling like a family of acquaintances (our extended family isn't terribly disjointed but we felt shorted growing up) so maybe things will feel differently? As it is we're the faceless relatives up north to our current nephew and niece, cards at Christmas and birthdays... Guess we'll just have to see where life takes us. :)

Little Bit Of Everything

March has been a slow blogging month for me but that's not for lack of material!

I started off the month with that dastardly boil throwing a wrench into my week after my check-up with a new primary care doc at Everett Clinic. I had to cancel my PAWS shift because I couldn't walk any useful length!

That painful speed bump cleared up just in time for me and the hubby to head south for my mom's 50th birthday. It was a Bunco party and I enjoyed seeing some old friends but it's still odd hanging out with my mom and her friends when they're drinkin' and partying!

Turns out the hubster digs Bunco. Who would've thought? We decided if/when we have a moving party we'll make it a Bunco-themed shindig.

Speaking of moving... Tomorrow the hub, myself, and Fio are heading south, south to Hillsboro, OR, outside of Portland for an in-person 3rd interview with a dental company!

We have been mulling over the idea of moving down there and are going to give the town a thorough once-over tomorrow morning before his interview.

We've felt good about this prospect and are anticipating moving very soon. Of course, as excited as we are, we are just as anxious. Breaking our lease, paying for a moving truck, packing everything up and completing the move with 3 pets is a daunting task for us!

I'm nervous about feeling more isolated in a new town with absolutely 0 contacts. I already feel isolated here! Without a job, family, or many friends nearby it's basically me and my pets with a smattering of interactions with strangers.

I will say there is the occasional spark of social activity! On Tuesday I went to a fellow PersonalizedFree.com's home for lunch and chatting and hanging out. I thoroughly enjoyed myself and will gobble up the Thai leftovers she sent me home with shortly... *yum*

Further news! I had a dermatology appointment yesterday and have started a prescription acne treatment with antibiotics and a RX cream. I am going to do some more research on it, but I really liked my ARNP and nurse at the clinic and am feeling good about things so far :)

Further, further news! I'm not convinced of my depression diagnosis anymore.

Crazy, eh?

I'm reading Eric Maisel's writing about "Natural Psychology" and the concept that while biological depression does exist, it is quite often over-diagnosed due to misguided expectations about the nature of life.

Sure, I'm sure I've been biologically depressed before but right now, I feel like my main issue is psychological. I don't look at the world in a healthy, helpful way. I have very negative thought patterns and I don't have any driving force or reason to my life.

I'm reading and learning and going to do some work on this to try and unearth a purpose for my existence. More to follow-this'll be quite the undertaking!

In the meantime, I'm swallowing loads of pills everyday including: Vitamin D, Vitamin B Complex, Magnesium, Multi-Vitamin, Seroquel, Lexapro, thyroid meds, and now acne meds! I feel like a reverse-gumball machine.

A Walk

Fio and I just went on a mid-morning walk for the first time in a long time. It just kinda happened!

Still feeling blubbery (like the whale, not a hysterical female) and it doesn't help that I've been on an emotional roller coaster with the news that big changes might be coming into my life via my hubby's job and possible relocation. One of those possibilities is Wyoming.

 W Y O M I N G.

 It's sinking in how different that would be and it scared the crap outta me yesterday. But also intriguing and more sunshine.

Oh yeah, yesterday was my birthday too. It was good. Lots of flowers and cute cards.

I don't know if this was a sign but a crow just flew on the eave outside with a mawful of what looked like fresh guts. Not sure what I would glean from that-could be abundance, resilience, or death!

In medication news I've been tapering off Paxil and onto Lexapro and today will be my first *intentional day off of Paxil!

Had To Share

This article about Olympic weightlifter Sarah Robles was great. Sad but great.

Talk about passion for your sport-I hope she brings home the gold for HERSELF! You go girl.

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday, Gene Wilder!

I remember Gene Wilder from his younger years as Willy Wonka and the sharp-shooting deputy from Blazing Saddles-as I'm sure many of you do too! He's moved away from show business into book business and family life and is turning 79 this year.

Gene Wilder is like a Dr. Seuss to me. The Dr. Seuss of movies. He goes by a different name (Gene was bore Jerome Silberman) and he's a constant presence in my interior entertainment database. There's something delightfully goofy and comforting about Wilder-and I'm glad the word game on my phone brought his birthday to my attention!

Happy Birthday, Gene Wilder! Jerome Silberman! Willy Wonka!

Seattle Shootings

Shootings have been in the news. Last week's "rampage" by Ian Stawicki and just today with a drive-by in South Seattle.

This year's shootings have already added up to more than the total shootings for last year-and it's only June! I don't know what is contributing to the spike in shootings-the economical climate or access to guns but it's a lot different hearing the news when I live so much closer to the "city" than I did before.

A little over a year ago I was living down in the South Sound and Seattle was a faraway metropolis-like Gotham City. I hardly entered the city limits and when I did the swathes of homeless and trolling cops would rankle my nerves. I even witnessed a foot chase where the offender tossed a bag of drugs before the cops tackled him to the ground!

Nowadays I'm in Seattle at least once a week and the fiance even classifies us as living in the "Seattle-Metro area," bah humbug! That said, while the recent events twanged a nerve I don't feel exceedingly scared or upset...

Yes, I'm upset at the life lost but I don't feel upset like the people ranting and raving about gun control in the wake of last week's shootings.

My fiance made an excellent point-gun controls were in place and they didn't stop this guy and they certainly don't stop the thugs from getting their guns. But what wasn't in place was adequate mental health services to manage Stawicki's precarious mental state.

His family commented that Stawicki's rampage was expected. They weren't surprised to hear the news at all! This isn't insensitive, it's honest.

I have been in their position, resigning myself to an unstable mental climate because I didn't have access to adequate care. To me, that is the tragedy behind these deaths.

The gun control crowd can cry for sanctions all they want-but if people are mentally unstable it doesn't matter whether the weapon has a trigger or a handle or a shaft or a knob, they will harm someone else or themselves.

Right now I'm thinking of those families and friends that are coping with the loss of their loved ones and I'm hoping that all those in need of mental health care can find what they need before more tragedy strikes.

Yawn-Snot-Scratch

I'm purty tuckered out lately since I've been personalizing ornaments like no one's business. My colleagues from PersonalizedFree.com think I have a 5 second photographic memory or something of the sort that allows me to inscribe the ornaments so much faster than others.

I may be blinking like a fish eyed goon when I look up from my desk and my back has certainly become much more knotted in the last few weeks, but I really do enjoy the work. It's meditative. Crafty and a little challenging, distracting enough to give me peace but not to complex to drain my brain.

The dreaded "Happy Duggar Snowman Family"

Unfortunately--and also thankfully--the Christmas season only comes but once a year and my fling as an ornament personalizer will soon end. The money will be nice but will mostly be relegated to outstanding debts or soothing savings accounts that will hopefully maintain their balances and prevent any further panic attacks!

But the money wasn't the most important thing for me--having something to do was the most important thing. Having people to socialize with, swap small talk and stories with--people that I don't live with and that I'm not related to. I think the ephemeral aspects of work are just as important as the monetary compensation.

In less than two weeks my lifestyle will be jolted back into unemployment. Sure, I'll be able to get to more yoga classes (which I've missed dearly) but I'll also have little to no reason to leave the house otherwise. And (as my readers will know) cabin fever is not my biggest concern.

Even working what might seem like a silly, part time job has given me more purpose and direction and drive in my day-to-day life, something sitting at home and cleaning house just can't do for me. Thankfully, I see the end and will be able to prepare for this transition and hopefully use some of my momentum to being an active job search once again-but the prick of fear has already torn my heart.

I have been so low that my biggest fear has become myself. The most realistic threat to my life is my own mind...

Speaking of which I may be listening to too much NPR (if this is possible). Walking to my car this frosty morning I felt threatened by the open space from my car port to the parking space by the front office-as if I could be easily dispatched by sniper or cross fire!

In bittersweet, semi-related news I heard a wonderful and haunting story about the first Arab woman to win a Nobel Peace Prize-and also the youngest recipient of any gender to date.

Tawakkul Karman-Check her out!

And now, I will sleep :o)

What a Kicker

This week started off a little bumpy. A little bumpy and a little jerky and grindy-as in CAR TROUBLE.

The fiance jaunted out the door Monday morning only to jaunt right back in a few minutes later with the news that the van would not back up.

Put 'er in reverse and give it a little gas and next thing you know there is a jerking halt and she won't move no more. He was able to nose the van forward back into the parking spot (not that he got that far out of it to begin with) and took my car instead.

After some research we figured out that the van probably has a transmission problem. In fact, the fiance has had a gnawing gut feeling the past few months that the van was going to have this type of problem. He had just had the coolant flushed and replenished to try and head off heating problems with the vehicle as well-guess we couldn't out run trouble.

Transmission. Broken tranny. Bad news. Expensive news and we're not in a place to deal with it right now and the other problems with the van might just mean laying ole Bessie to rest instead of beating her senseless with more and more repairs til her final death throes kick in (which could be within a couple of years anywho!).

So, we're one car down and figure we will be until we can replace Bessie with a new car. We go to bed a little discouraged but figure we're doing a good thing by driving less and employing more environmentally sound commuting/traveling practices.

Tuesday dawns and the fiance takes off for work in my car. Shortly after his departure I get a call.

"Forget something?"

"Uhhh.... No."

"What's wrong?"

"I'm stuck on the side of I-5."

"What!?"

Yep. The car gave out Tuesday morning. The fiance found himself on I-5 with a floppy gas pedal and no oompf. He got towed home for no less than $120 and spent the rest of the day working from home and joining me in car frets and self-pity.

That night, he signed us up for AAA and announced that he officially felt OLD.

After some calls and research we discovered that the car problem was probably a broken throttle cable and a reasonably priced fix compared to the van's tranny problem. Wednesday morning we had Mable hauled to a local mechanic and the fiance hitched a bus ride to work.

That afternoon I hoofed it three miles to the mechanic's to pick up Mable and experienced such gratitude for the bubble butted Sable I must've looked a fool to passerby as I grinned at my ole car like a love struck kindergartner.

And yes, we have names for our cars. His was Bessie and mine is Mable the Sable. Looks like we'll be adding a new buddy to the bunch as soon as we can afford it (as soon as I sell a kidney).

October Here Already

I can't believe a week is already gone.

October is my favorite month (a major reason I want to be married in October next year) but I haven't been savoring the month like I usually do. The fiance and I have had weekend plans and I've been going to yoga class, but I haven't been supremely busy by any means.

It's been months since the big depressive relapse, but I'm still not in full gear. Maybe for some people a major depressive episode comes and goes with little trace, but for me the residual damage can stretch out for months. The most important thing is trying not to rip myself apart for being less-than full power.

Unfortunately as important as this is it's also just as difficult for me. Just yesterday I was beating myself up for entertaining the thought of adopting a dog. I'm most definitely a cat person and hate visiting kennels because of the doggy smell but for some reason I was very intent on the idea of adding a dog to our crowded apartment.

Once the brain fog subsided and I dismissed the idea as impossible I began constantly berating myself for being irresponsible and foolish. With that self-hate comes negativity the emanates from the dark recesses in my mind and inevitably annoys and sometimes hurts others around me.

This weekend the fiance was in the danger zone. The closest people to us always take the most emotional flak and the frustration of hurting him without wanting to brings on the guilt and shame and makes the whole thing even worse!

Lucky for me my man and I can talk about anything and eventually we talked our way out of my mood roller coaster and proceeded to enjoy the weekend together.

This weekend my folks came up for pizza, beer, and card games. I had been anticipating their visit because I wanted to share some news but I never took the opportunity during their visit. Right after they left I shared my disappointment in not sharing my news with the fiance and as if on cue, Mom knocked on the door with some things I left in their trunk!

We set down the items and then followed her down to the car so I could tell my parents together.

What was the news? I'm going to get a job, go back to school to finish prerequisites in order to apply to a midwifery program. I want to be a baby catcher!

Dad was completely blindsided and Mom was a little shocked but ecstatic to hear my plans. Later that night I got a text saying that they were happy about my new goals.

Now all we can do is wait and see how it goes :o)

A Morning of Many Feelings

What a morning!

For the first time in a long time the fiance and I woke at the same time. We took a walk around the lake and I saw a bunch of birds-even spotted a belted kingfisher! It was a great walk. A little brisk but beautiful!

I've never had the pleasure of seeing a kingfisher in the wild, so I was pretty stoked. Although I wasn't entirely sure of my siting until I came home to Google it up.

The fiance and I got pretty worked up on the walk about flu shots and vaccinations, which put our morning through a little rough patch. It's not very often we get into a heated argument and get really frustrated with each other, but apparently medical "care" is one of our sore subjects! We quickly worked past it when I discovered some sad news on Facebook.

Faith Fulmer passed away last week. I followed Faith's story on Facebook for a few months and even sent her a special postcard. She was afflicted with osteasarcoma and her ninth birthday would have been in October.

She was a joyous girl with a loving family and a large ring of supporters. Such a sad loss, but a memorable gain for all of us who were touched by her story.

You can learn more about Faith's story on the Facebook site. Despite the tragic circumstances, her mother and their family provide a lot of inspiration and I am so proud of them.

To complete my emotional roller coaster this morning I also found out that my high school beau proposed to his girlfriend and they are now engaged! I am happy for him and was surprised at the mix of emotions I felt at the news. Funny how your first love sticks with you! He has really gone on to live his dreams and is doing EXACTLY what he said he would do in life. If only we all had such drive and direction!

In other news I had a delightful massage yesterday and the fiance found out he's deformed! While I was at the  masseuse, the fiance went the other route and visited a chiropractor. They discovered he has a rare malformation at the base of his skull that has fused his first vertebrae to the skull! I always knew he was special ;o)

Our plans for this week had involved hosting the fiance's big brother, but things fell through. We are going to Seattle tomorrow for my annual physical (well-first annual in a LONG time) and this weekend get to go camping with my folks near the cheery town of Leavenworth! Woot woot!

For all the fellow PNW'ers-SAVOR THE SUN WHILE YOU CAN! :o)

I'm Not Into Hockey, BUT...

This is sad and I needed to mention it. Check out this New York Times article about three hockey players that have been found dead in eerily timed and similar circumstances.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/02/sports/hockey/deaths-of-three-nhl-players-raises-a-deadly-riddle.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1

Not only does this pique my interest from a depression standpoint and the mention of suicide-I also found it interesting to consider the consequences of their roles as "fighters" in the league.

Derek Boogaard's family donated his brain to researchers at Boston University. They will determine if he suffered from chronic traumatic encephalopathy like more than twenty other former NHL players. CTE can result in impulse control problems, drug abuse, and memory loss and may have contributed to some of these players' deaths.

People tend to forget that professional athletes and actors and actresses and other famous people are human too. While they earn millions of dollars (gagbarfsnort-another topic all together) they also suffer like the rest of us, and this article makes me think-what "occupational hazards" these people might struggle with that we don't comprehend at first glance? and how much are they put at risk purely for "entertainment value" or money?

Read a little, think a little, and let me know if it strikes a cord with ya'll like it did in me ;o)

The Little Things I'm Excited About Today

Let us first begin this post with some excited Wallace cheese-hands *eeeeee!*

Exciting news numero uno: HEKLA. Hekla Hekla HEKLA! Come on, baby-ERUPT!

Some people might be freaking out. I mean sure, people gotta fly places and ash clouds floating over Europe tend to mess that act of travel up quite a bit. But come on, it's HEKLA!

http://www.oldbookillustrations.com/pages/mount-hekla.php?lng=en

Now, I'm a rather recent Icelandophile but anyone who has looked into Icelandic history, lore, or culture should know Hekla is one badass volcano with some awesome stories. Not every volcano in the world is known as the "Gateway to Hell" and despite it's rather diminutive stature-Hekla has had some impressive eruptions.

During my visit to Icelandic museums it was emphasized often how Hekla's major explosions aid in archaeological dating processes today. The eruptions are labeled H1, H2, H3, H4 and so on. A few of these eruptions had enough umpf to cover 80% of Iceland in ash (hello! archaeologists' dreams come true).

Needless to say, I'm excited to see Hekla erupt. Maybe it's a bit twisted, but I would love to be in Iceland to experience an eruption at some point in my life.

I've grown up in the shadow of Mt. Rainier most of my life, heard stories of Mt. St. Helen's eruption, and the Ring of Fire. We've had earthquakes and volcanic activity scares, talked about the potential for major flooding if Rainier went off, and watched our share of volcano sci-fi drama. Volcanoes aren't as big a cultural item here as they are in Iceland, but I'm pretty sure they're much more familiar to Washingtonians than say-Ohio folk.

Anywho, why would I want to be in Iceland for an eruption? I think it would be fun, unique, and memorable (as long as I don't die, of course). From what I've read, it seems like Icelanders tend to appreciate eruptions as a special geological event, keep themselves aware and prepared, but don't panic. Really, they're the Northern Lights Hawaii. Just some folks living on a volcanic island-no biggie. ;o) Now, just to convince the fiance....


Exciting news numero dos: hybrid foal from China rocking my socks. Call it what you will-"donkra" or "zonkey" or any other number of awful word blends. Zebra and donkey may not give birth to gorgeous hybrid names, but the babies are delightful!

http://animalfwd.blogspot.com/2011/07/whats-black-and-white-and-kicks-like.html

And for the record, the zebra was the momma and the donkey was the daddy. Either way, I think it's adorable. I'm not entirely sure why it happened, but I'll appreciate the cuteness anyways.

In other news, the fiance and I were at ye olde Bed, Bath, & Beyond last night and acquired a new shelf for our shelf (I have a compulsion about organizing dishes to max efficiency) and a set of tongs as well as a new purple rug for the kitchen. 

The old rug was green and stringy and didn't have a sticky side so it slipped all over the place. The new rug is purple, squishy, and stays in place very well. The fiance was very happy and did some kneading last night. 

As for the cats: Iroh had a bath and is looking quite svelte and handsome. He has lost some weight since the Mill-star made her appearance and she seems to be packing a little too much around the waist. We may have to initiate separate eating areas to prevent this wonky-dieting. 

Dreams and Diplomas

Had another dream that was somewhat wedding related. Although the only link involved big cakes at a ballpark.

The beginning of the dream involved a desert/ranch/rocky area and teaching my mother how to take better pictures. It seemed like we were getting ready for senior pictures or engagement pictures, but it wasn't clear. Most of the picture session involved taking pictures close-up to make somewhat abstract shots. I ended up taking a shot of a little rock from low to make it appear larger, there was a horse ranch behind it, and then there was a donkey running around with a calico pattern in his fur and had balls like the ones obnoxious truckers hang off the back of their pickups-disturbing.

Anyways, eventually we made it to a ballpark and Mom and I talked with some event coordinator that was responsible for our cake order mix-up. Apparently we had ordered a four-tier cake but all they had to offer was a seven-tier cake with a fondant head of Amadeus Mozart on top. Not quite sure where the Mozart head came from, but it was odd.

After the cake ordeal we had to navigate the ballpark to get to Dad and the rest of the family, which wasn't normal itself-the ballpark was at least six-stories high and filled with conference rooms and playing kids. I had big heels on and had to avoid the kiddies and the balls they were playing with, and Mom was walking ahead really fast without any problems.

When I woke up we were watching the field from seats that reminded me of an old Shakespearean theatre, surrounded by dark wood and all the seats were layered on top of each other like apartments. I do know that we were there to watch the Mariners play ;o)

In other recent news, the fiance and I were down south for my sister and cousin's graduation from high school. It was interesting to attend a graduation ceremony as a non-student, I think I closed my eyes for a bit, but they had some great speakers and singers. The entire time I couldn't help thinking of an uncollege movement I've heard about on the radio.

There was a young man on NPR talking about college being overpriced and overvalued. A couple days later I heard this quote, "Experience is the best teacher." This correlated exactly to the uncollege movement and the concept of cultivating a workforce of students with skills and not simply degrees.

During the graduation I couldn't help but think of all the graduates who would go on to obtain degrees and still not be able to find work. Or worse, obtain degrees in subjects they resent in order to find work. So many go to college without thinking of their true reasons for attending, without a real goal in sight-simply a social norm, expectation, and a carrot on a stick. I hope more people can take the time to discover what they actually want from life and make the decisions appropriate for their life.

Another thought was that this graduation might be the most celebratory moment in some of those kids' lives. Coming from a small town with lots of sad stories, I could see the addicts, unwed mothers, and McDonald's regulars in the making. Of course, there are always success stories but I tend to find myself thinking of the lost souls.

I can empathize with the uncollege movement. I was catapulted through schooling with the vague notion that a college degree guarantees employment and I very nearly went straight into a graduate program after getting my BA. After some soul searching I realized that what I really wanted was to slow down and learn from life before returning to a classroom. I majored in English, but nowadays I'm contemplating more service-oriented vocations (counseling, nursing, social work, etc.) and while I know that I'll always nurture my love of words, I understand that that doesn't mean a master's degree is necessarily in my future.

In other news: The fiance's face is still peeling, but a layer of olive oil did help moisturize without searing pain and he his looking better each day. The cats are currently staring me down for a bit of string cheese and the fiance and I can't seem to agree if our cats are a good weight or overweight and whether our kibble dispensing is at the appropriate level. Either way, we know they're happy!

News Across Our Nation

While making the fiance a grilled cheese sandwich for brekkie, I heard the news that Osama Bin Laden was dead. My first reaction was simply surprise. I can't say that I ever cared too much about the enterprise. It struck me as a bit silly to pursue one person like some gang-war vendetta. I went on making my sandwich and listening to the radio banter and some patriotic song and forgot about the news until I came to the computer.

Then my feelings began to develop as I perused the news clips, videos, and articles. I was sad. Disappointed and a tinge heartbroke. My country was cheering death while watching baseball. My country flooded Times Square to celebrate death. My country is reveling in death and hate and vengeance. I know that some would call it justice, but I thought justice took place in our courts-not assassinations overseas. If that is our brand of justice, I don't see much difference between us and the terrorists we so label.

Today I feel remorse for our country and I can only hope that we never walk this path again. I am not sure how we can compensate ourselves for the pain and loss we've inflicted on fellow humanity since 9-11. After observing behavior across the nation I find myself skeptical of our capacity.

I only hope that someday we find ourselves in a world where murder is never condoned, and certainly never celebrated.

Headlines in my Headspace

In the news headlines today I saw that Catherine Zeta-Jones is being treated for bipolar disorder. I don't particularly care about her specifically, but I was interested in the fact that the media has been portraying the revelation with a positive spin-as a source of empowerment and a path to destroying stigmas.

What I find especially sad is that this stigma depression and other mental diseases hold empowers the diseases themselves. People are afraid to speak openly about their struggles, afraid to seek treatment, afraid to isolate themselves further by being distinguished as "one with a disease" and it only strengthens the disease. We may never live in a world free of mental disease, but we can pursue a healthier mankind. In reality, we all get sick from time to time-and we treat with it. In more relevant reality, many of us have struggled with mental disease-and we treat it. 

I am a victim of this stigma. I've been marked. I've identified myself as different from what society says I should be, and I've become ashamed. I try to hide what shames me, but it has to be dug out and extracted to be treated. It is scary as hell voicing our scariest thoughts. I haven't cut myself for over five years, but the thought still occurs to me-my mind's twisted tool for coping with life. Alcoholics turn to booze, cutters to the blade. We never lose our vices, but we learn to live and overcome our tendencies. If I bite my tongue when those urges arise I find myself isolated, battling shame and fear that feeds my urges and drives me to a depressive spiral. I have to resist years of social programming coding me to respond with STIGMA in order to open my mouth and shed light on my demons-but we can retrain our minds.

No one wants to embody this stigma, but the beautiful thing is-only we have the power to make such things our reality. I can live a stigma or I can live the life that I want. I'm frustrated by the fact that validation is sought via hollow fame-it is so distant and impersonal. Just because Catherine Zeta-Jones is bipolar doesn't immediately validate you or make a stigma go away, it simply opens up opportunity for discussion. Everyone has to make a decision when faced with a stigma-feed or starve. I can feel shame and pain about who and what I am, or I can accept it. I can succumb to my weaknesses or I can live around them. I can feed the stigma, or I can starve it out.

 There are so many examples of overcoming adversity (two-legged dogs learning to walk upright, double-amputees running marathons, infertile women giving birth, or blind people walking across the street-sighted people can't manage that without hurting themselves sometimes!) I can choose to surround myself with these positive influences and flourish.Success and validation doesn't come from grandiose victories, it comes from your own conscience, your own heart. Just as our mental diseases and flaws and hang-ups come from within, so does our salvation and true success. Starve the stigma, pursue your victory, and walk on.

As for the cats: Iroh needs a bath. All the spittle from Millie gnashing on his back is starting to stink and he just doesn't clean himself enough period. Millie is quiet for the moment, but may reconvene the barrage on my ankles again soon.