Cruise 2025 Comin' Up

Hubs, BB, and I are going on a big ole cruise in a bit. If anyone has any tips or "must sees" shoot me a comment! I've included the itinerary below.

I'm nervous. I haven't been abroad since 2009 (I don't count Canada and Mexico for whatever reason), but excited as well. We have liked our cruises so far and while we haven't been with this cruise line before, we are hoping to have another good experience. 

BB told us he wanted to go to Ancient Greece a while ago and we told him that we couldn't go right away, that it would take planning and saving. He was distraught. Draped himself over the Costco cart and refused to walk and moaned throughout the rest of the shopping trip. Even samples weren't enough to break the funk. Well, the hubs took his request to heart and made a Greece trip happen and then some!

We are a little concerned about how we'll be received in Europe as Americans in the Trump era, but excited nonetheless. I have never been to Europe, but am happy to be going with Hubs and BB. It's going to be quite an adventure.

My mom is coming down to catsit for us and then BB will fly up to WA state with grandma for some summertime fun. It's going to be quite a summer for him... sometimes I wonder if he'll ever know how privileged and blessed he is. I never could imagine these types of adventures when I was his age and he doesn't even seem phased! My main concern is I don't want him to be entitled. I don't need a big thank you card or anything, I'm just wanting to make sure he understands that this is special.

The spots we're stopping at:

Piraeus, Greece (Athens)

Istanbul, Turkey

Kusadasi, Turkey (Ephesus)

Mykonos, Greece

Souda, Greece (Chania)

Katakolon, Greece (Olympia)

Sarande, Albania

Dubrovnik, Croatia

Trieste, Italy (Venice)

Well, I guess it's time for supper makin'. And more coughing and blowing my nose. Hopefully those don't get mixed up.

:o)

Ask Me Anything Part II

Here's some more answers! Thank you everyone for participating-this was really fun for me :o) Feel free to answer some of the questions yourself in the comments! It'd be really fun to see other answers too!

What is a favourite childhood memory? Hard question. I don't have just one favorite, so here are a few:

I remember gathering pill bugs to make a pet of them all in a potted plant (that didn't work so well).

I remember staying up late with my brother and dad trying to beat a level on a video game. They played and I made maps on paper plates so we could figure out our way through the cave!

I also have quite a few fond memories about wandering around with my siblings and neighbors around "the hill." "The hill" was a big ole hill in the middle of our neighborhood where the construction guys piled up excess dirt. It grew over with shrubs and such and we're wander around playing war games and hunting bugs :o) It also made for good sledding on snow days and a terrifying ramp for braver bicyclers!

What would you do differently during your teenage years? (If anything) I think part of me always wished that I would’ve rebelled. Mouthed off or even stood up for myself, really. Embraced myself as I am instead of trying to do what I thought others’ wanted. Be brave. Be daring. Might have changed my trajectory in a good way... or a bad way. So I'll appreciate how it actually went!

What traits/characteristics bother you most in people? I can’t think of a single word to describe it right now, so I’ll try to explain in more words! Ya know when people bury their own issues and then pick out every little wrong thing about other people? They tend to act like everything is hunky dorey and struggle to communicate on deeper levels or convey true empathy. I find it so sad and troubling and boggling-as well as frustrating. Maybe you can call it some sort of self-induced delusion? I know it’s a coping technique for a lot of people.

My hubby and his sisters recalled an incident where I confronted their brother in that type of situation. He was wrapping himself up in deflection and accusations, being very defensive and even aggressive to my husband. I ripped that mental Band-Aid off in a heartbeat and cut right to the chase by describing the emotional and interpersonal aspects of the situation. He couldn’t handle it and backed off. I struggle with owning my point of view and it causes me a lot of anxiety afterward, though I did deescalate the situation and prevent things from getting physical between the hubby and his brother, so that was great!

Anyways. Cut it out with the deflection. Be honest. Connect on a human level. I prefer to get through this life with compatriots by my side, not minefields of misplaced aggression!

4) How would your loved ones describe you? Creative. Sensitive. Smart. Cat lady. Good cook. Good baker. The hubby says I’m sweet and kind, sassy, gullible and naive (in a good way).

5) How would you describe yourself? Ummm… creative, sensitive, quirky, silly, kind, fragile, tenacious, strong, loving, flawed, harsh (to myself especially), and patient. I’m sure I could go on or simplify things-it’s just a rather hard question to answer so I’m gonna leave it at that! :o)

If you could be an animal...what would you be, and why? Probably a bird of some sort. I’m not a fan of raw meat as a human although the idea of being a carnivore appeals to me. Perhaps a loon? Some type of eagle? I also like cormorants and they travel in flocks so that might be a good option as well :o) No flamboyant colors or fancy feathers here, just a simple bird with a beautiful landscape around her.

If you could have a "perfect" day, what would it be like: who, what, when, where, why & how? I think there are many, many different perfect days for each individual. One “perfect day” that I think I’d like would involve staying in some sort of cabin (yes, with a hot tub) and still having a hotel-type of situation where we (me, the hubster, and BB) could have an amazing brekkie brought in for us. Waffles, pulpy OJ, biscuits & gravy, fruit, eggs, crispy bacon, spectacular coffee-well, you get the picture.

It’d be a cool, bright morning with big puffy white clouds and blue skies. We’d go for a hike around Mt. Rainier (or another beautiful mountain) and see lots of slugs, snails, birds, chipmunks, and maybe a marmot! Then we’d have some pizza outta one of those brick ovens and (in my fantasy) I’d have a nice beer with the hubster.

We’d go for a trail ride in the afternoon. I’d have a big-boned dapple grey, BB would have a stout palomino, and the hubster would ride a tall bay (yeah, I was horse-crazed little girl growing up!). We would ride to a special restaurant and have dinner before riding back with lanterns and stopping to stargaze on the way home.

Hot showers, hot tub, and a good movie with warm brownies full of chocolate chunks and topped with ice cream and hot fudge for dessert! I imagine watching BB drift off to sleep and smiling with the hubster as we watch him start to drool a bit. Then we’d snuggle into bed and he’d say “I love you” into my ear, his warm breath making my hair tickle my cheek… Perfection :o)

Have you ever laughed so hard a drink came out your nose?  Oh yeah. Thankfully I don’t really drink soda anymore so it hurts a lot less when it happens now! I am more of a spurter really… I tend to spray it out my lips ALL OVER. Even in public. I guess it’s better than peeing my pants!

Ask Me Anything Answers Part I

Thank you for all your great questions! There are definitely some tough ones in there-I did my best :o)

What age did you first notice that you had a mental illness.

This is a tricky question for me as I struggle to suss out when in my life certain memories are from… As I look back I can recognize symptoms around 2nd or 3rd grade. It may have started before that, I’m just not certain.

I’m an Army brat and we moved to Kentucky for a couple years around that time. I remember being quite upset and by upset I mean depressed. I vaguely remember my mother rationalizing it as just because of the move. I had my ups and downs, the entire time there wasn’t miserable, I just feel deep down that it was more than regular sadness.

I would also consider my anxiety to have started at that time or earlier. I can remember moments of anxiety without any particular cause-well, I’m sure that there was underlying reasons! What I’m trying to say is that the rest of the family would be hanging out, relaxing and I would be secluded and struggling.

I became pretty decent at veiling my distress. I think I started “stuffing” the depression and anxiety so early on in my life that a lot of family and friends mistook my symptoms for personality traits. I was deemed the “Eeyore” of the family. The quiet bookworm type. I suppose it’s not entirely inaccurate, it certainly isn’t the whole picture!

When did I become aware of my own illness? Probably not until my teens. I didn’t really get help until I was 15 or 16 when I scratched up my arms during a band trip. I truly, truly recognized I wasn’t healthy at that juncture. Up until that point I just assumed I was flawed and not a happy person.

Do you have any plans to take your art to a professional level?

I would love to take my art to a professional level. I think the main reason I haven’t thus far is confidence issues.

Failure is quite difficult for me and most creative endeavors involve a lot of trial and error. My difficulty with not taking each “whoops” as a horribly invalidating personal flaw has prevented me from reaching, from experimenting, from trying.

I had thought about taking more art classes throughout school and was so terrified of embarrassing myself that I didn’t take art after 4th grade. I figured it was better to be an amazing “doodler” than a subpar “artist.” I still call most things doodles or crafting to avoid the "art" label.

I think this issue has also affected my writing efforts. I would love to be a published author and I think the biggest thing holding me back is me.

What do you like most about yourself?

Oooh-this is another tricky question! Sometimes I really don’t like much about myself. During the times when I do like myself I think the thing I like most in my sweet side.

When I hide love notes for the hubster or cuddle with Baby Bananaface or bake treats or doodle little surprises for folks-I really like that about myself. Sometimes I minimize it or dismiss it as trivial. Sometimes I’m able to recognize that not everyone has that capacity for sweetness and that people appreciate my random acts of kindness. It also helps me believe that my sweetness is an admirable trait when the hubby lets me know that he thinks I’m special for it :o)

What is your favorite thing about you? Your husband? Your son?

I really like my imagination. It can confuse people when my mind quickly flits from one inspiration to a new tangent. Most of the time they can appreciate the quirkiness too!

As for my favorite thing about my husband… hmm. One of my favorite things has to be how he seems to embody such harsh opposites. He’s soft and hard all at once. Very sweet and caring as well as a total asshole! I am very grateful that he trusts me enough to show me both sides and his whole self, always aware that I love him no matter what!

My favorite thing about Baby Bananaface is probably his sweet side. He’s come over and placed random kisses on my cheek or wrist. He’s given me random hugs. He’s come into the bedroom when I’m depressed and weak in bed and grabbed my hand and brought me to the dinner table… he’s marvelous in many ways, this is just a particular aspect that touches me deep.

When you write your children's book, what will the story be? Boy howdy! I have had a lot of ideas over the years, so I will just share a few… I’d love to do a book called “Snuffles the Waffle Elf” and “The Lost Booger.” I’m not sure why the title “Leander’s Lost Button” appeals to me so much-I love that idea too.

I’d have to say “The Lost Booger” is my favorite idea. If you’re a nose-picker you’ll probably understand when ya pick a booger and then try to dispense with it only to lose track of where it went. Well, I’d like to do a children’s book about such a predicament with the child chasing his booger down!

What's your favorite song to sing or sing along to? My favorite song is “More Than a Feeling” by Boston (my fave band). To sing along to… probably “Dear Future Husband” by Meghan Trainor. My fave sing along song tends to change a lot!

If you could meet a fictional character in real life, who would it be? I’d really like to meet Sophia Petrillo or Rose Nylund or Dorothy Zbornak or Blanche Devereaux ;o)

If you could travel to any fictional setting (like from a movie or a book), where would you go? This is tough. Especially since “TV show” isn’t included and I can’t say “The Golden Girls!” At first I thought “Cars” so I could experience driving instead of walking… then I imagined “You’ve Got Mail” and owning an adorable book store and falling in love with Tom Hanks. Yes. Please. ;o)

A picture and a slightly inappropiate story...

This may offend certain folks. To my hubby and I it was a rather hilarious moment and conversation!

The hubster came home and as we were chatting he came around to talking about lunch.

"We went to Whole Foods for lunch. Can you guess my total?"

I guessed $13.74. My favorite number is 13 and nearly every time he asks me to guess his total it's 13-something.

His raised his eyebrows and replied, "Close! It was $13.00 even!"

Handing me the receipt with a smirk, he picked up Baby Bananaface and put him into the play area.

"Hmmm." I said. "Normally when I see that my husband went to a "HOT BAR" I would be a bit suspicious-"

"As if anything would happen at a "HOT BAR" for $13.00," he laughed.

"There's some skanky hoes out there! Chlamydia could happen for $13.00." We both laughed and shook our heads.

As I swallowed a mouthful of sparkling water the hubster continued on to say, "Huh. $13.00 and a 50/50 chance of chlamydia!"

I felt myself begin to laugh out loud and tried to hold it back but couldn't. I leaned forward and spurted sparkling water all over my dinner plate. The bubbles crackled and popped, water dripping down my chin. When I opened my eyes I saw a ring of puddles and mist all around my plate and onto the table.

He laughed even harder and I joined in.

Maybe not the most... respectable conversation but it sure felt good to laugh so hard together. I love those oddball, unanticipated moments of coming together in laughter and joy!

Feelin' the rush...

... the holiday rush!

It's been busy. While that means some extra stress it's also meant some extra fun :o)

My sister came up Monday and stayed the night. We had a great time. She's on winter break from teaching and one of her last New Year's resolutions to finish up was taking a boxing class (we decided kickboxing counts).

First, we went up to some outlets north of me. I found some new shirts and dresses and a pair of pants that actually fit me. It's nice to have some cozy, slimming clothing options instead of the increasingly baggy stuff that-don't get me wrong-I've loved wearing for however long but now just make me feel dumpy lookin'.

Hate droopy crotch pants *insert disapproving emoji here*

Apparently, I have lost 35 lbs since March. It's been a great side effect of the extra exercise but I haven't really been focusing on weight loss much. Maybe a little portion control and making healthier choices here and there, but my exercise routine is mostly focused on mental health with a dash of social time. Whatever my focus may be, I have needed to rearrange ye olde wardrobe a bit!

I do want to lose a bit more and tone up in places but it's a secondary goal to my overall wellness and mental health. No pressure. No timelines. Just doing what I can, cheering myself on as I go, and being proud of what I've achieved while adjusting to my new abilities and building confidence.

Anywho! My sister and I had fun at the kickboxing class Monday night and we even made cookies together later, watching "Bad Moms" while they cooled before glazing. It was great.

The next morning she came to my regular classes with me ( Zumba Strong and cycling) and afterward, while we were saying our goodbyes in the parking lot I broke from our hug, held her shoulders, looked her in the eyes and said, "I love you. I'm glad your my sister." It was a bit of a risk but I'm proud of myself for expressing my feelings instead of stuffing them down or bowing to my fears.


In other news, Baby Bananaface had to be picked up from daycare early yesterday. After a trip to urgent care we discovered he has an ear infection and bronchiolitis (really similar to bronchitis, as you might expect). He gets amoxicillin for 10 days and is home sick today. Luckily, I ain't afraid of no boogers! He's been in remarkably good spirits and we don't expect it to slow down or hamper his Christmas festivities at all.

In fact, last night he threw all the pillows and stuffies off the couch before rolling all over and squealing in joy. I just happened to pile them up at the end of the chaise where he then began leaping off the couch into the pile! It was very cute and a little scary, but I spotted him for his half a dozen leaps and he slept very well last night ;o)


Ornaments has concluded for the season, so that is helping me balance all the last minute holiday preparations better.  Still, haven't had much time to blog, to read blogs, or to comment! We leave tomorrow for our holiday ventures. For the first time in a long time I'm feeling more excitement than anxiety for the trip-and that's a very sweet thing :o)

I will try to mobile post sometime this weekend but if I'm not able to comment or read your posts, please know that I'm thinking of you all and wishing everyone a wonderful holiday!

I Been Busy!

Boy howdy. It's been a busy few days!

Saturday the hubby and I got an extended date day when my mom surprised us and said that she wasn't planning on staying for lunch, just grabbing Baby Bananaface and heading out (she was taking him for an overnight babysitting session so the hubs and I could go to a game group party). So the hubster and I took the opportunity to dine in the bar section and the hubs even had a fufu mojito!

That was just the beginning of our date day-some shopping, a murder mystery party, and a movie at the theater followed! The movie was a pretty big deal considering I hadn't been to the cinema in over 6 months for fear of triggering my anxiety or panic. I definitely experienced some stress but I was able to ride the waves, use my skills, and make it through the movie without succumbing to the anxiety or a panic attack-I'd even say that I had a good time ;o)



Sunday I juggled ornaments and the gym before my sister arrived with BB (worked out really well that we could drop him off halfway to my parents' Saturday and then my sister could bring him back to us on Sunday since she and I had plans). She and I proceeded to have a girls' night out with a trip to a local nursery/shop for their Christmas extravaganza (I enjoyed some free decaf and Christmas cookie treats).

We then proceeded to have a fun dinner out before nabbing some lattes on our way downtown to the theater where we got to see a live production of "The Little Mermaid!" We were both a little worried about how they would handle one of our favorite movies ever but the production was nicely executed and we weren't disappointed. We both got the crap scared outta us by some confetti cannons but it was fun overall!

I think my favorite part of the night was listening to music while we drove to Seattle and back; singing at the top of lungs together. My sister and I aren't always on the same wavelength and sometimes it feels like we don't know each other very well, but last night we had a great time together and I'm so grateful for the experience.

Today I had to just keep rollin' as I had two appointments downtown and still have one to go (thankfully not as far a drive but still outta my way). 

My endocrinology appointment went super fast as did my blood draw. Good news! If this thyroid level is good like my last test I can switch to following up with my primary care provider instead of seeing a specialist-and that means just driving or walking across the street instead of driving 45 minutes into downtown *woot*

My psychiatry appointment went well too. We talked about all the progress I've made and how I'm handling the challenges that remain and agreed that waiting and seeing how the Lamictal treats me this time is the best idea for now. I had tried the Lamictal months ago for purely mood stabilizing purposes but now I've been prescribed the drug for anti-seizure purposes. My psychiatrist thinks it might work better this time around as a mood stabilizer since my mood is much better now to start with than it was. As she put it, "you were in a hole, a BIG hole." I sure hope she's right and I can get a 2-for-1 with this med! 

Whew. So that's a bit of what's going on here. Trying not to think too far ahead but still working toward my goals, one step at a time :o)

Happy Monday! 

Despite the Pain

Yesterday was quite a day. My parents came up and watched BB so the hubbo and I could hike Mt. Pilchuck.

The hike was a challenging one but the weather made it way more intense; especially this part at the end where we had to scramble across some boulders and up a slick ladder, but we were pretty motivated. I had never made it to the top of the trail before and the hubster hadn't in many years AND there was a placard at the top that happens to have our son's name and helped sway the hubby toward naming him that... so I really wanted to see that :o)

Hopefully this video works, sort of the brink of my technological savvy trying to put it in here!

Way more intense at the
top than we expected!
Yes, my glasses were
totally fogged up.

I could imagine the lookout having spectacular views during the right season. As it was, we were totally shrouded by fog and clouds with driving rain and very intense wind that buffeted the tower and made some loud banging noises on top of the loud wind rushes. It made the scramble down from the tower quite scary and cold to the point where I couldn't feel my fingers and the hubster said he saw freezing rain!

Hubster smile...

Hubster smirk...

How we do our trails in the fall/winter in the
good ole Pacific Northwest! 

But we made it. There and back. Despite the scary parts on the trail and the scary parts in my mind when my brain started to wander in bad directions. It usually doesn't happen to me while on a hike but yesterday I had to use a lot of skills to cope with the distressing thoughts and well on into the night I was struggling against my anxiety and darkness.

After an hour of trying to fall asleep last night without success I turned to my prescribed medication for help and even got some iced sponges for my face to help calm me down. It took a while and some effort but I averted full-blown crisis and managed to nod off somehow!

Nights can be rough for me and I'm not quite sure why but maybe because I had so many dark, traumatic nights in the depths of my depression? Maybe because I've struggled with getting to sleep for so many years? I don't know and it doesn't quite matter but it came up last night, that's for sure. The anxiety and dark thoughts were out in force!

I'm really proud of myself for not only making it to the top of the hike but for coping with my symptoms and coping with my symptoms again and again. It's been difficult lately to simply accept the pain and just deal with it. I've been feeling sad and "pouty" about putting up with yet more anxiety and dark thoughts and I feel ashamed of this but it's worth acknowledging, since the anger and stubbornness makes things harder for me in the long run.

A little mantra I came up with on the hike helped soothe me a bit. It went like this, "Everyone has their own pain, everyone has their own gifts." Pain is a part of everyone's life as a human and I need to come to a place of acceptance around that to live a better life.

So. The journey continues. Hope you enjoy the pictures :o) Despite the pain, despite the wind, despite the rain we had a great time and will cherish those memories for a long time!

Keep on keepin' on <3

An Update Before Bed...

It's late and I can't write out much but I wanted to do a little update before bed anyways :o)

The weekend went pretty well. Definitely felt the stress and definitely had to use more skills and more medication to ride the waves of my mood but I really enjoyed seeing my MIL. I was even pleasantly surprised by the interactions with the hubby's siblings and having "adult" time-I did fine!

The weekend involved some scheduled outings and time hanging out at my in-law's, even an evening out at a local bar with the hubby's sibs/in-laws.

I really enjoyed the carousel, even played with Baby Bananaface on the playground nearby for a good bit of time. Fun fact: that was the hubbo's first time on a carousel that he's aware of! Woo woo! The boat ride was fun and a nice break from routine where I acknowledged that I was feeling relaxed and enjoying myself-a rarity lately! I even got in some cuddles with BB <3

Overall, I feel like it was tough but not rough and a victory in my mind, which feels good :o)



On a more recent note, I had a busy day today with three appointments including one with my therapist and even though I waited until the last ten minutes I did indeed bring up my concerns! It was a big leap for me and there were some tears involved but I made my feelings known and I feel proud of myself.

Not sure how things will work out in the long run but we've made a commitment to working on things and we'll just take it from there. She actually mentioned that she had felt something was off but couldn't tell what it was and let me know that she was very glad that I said something, which felt good to hear.

I got so much encouragement from so many places (friends online, friends IRL, psychiatrist, another therapist, hubby, maybe even more) and I'm so glad that I finally brought this up! Thank you for the encouragement and support everybody :o) We'll see where things go from here, but for now-GO ME!!!


Another GO ME!!! moment involves coping with a big ole panic attack during the car ride home this afternoon. Thankfully it happened while I was stopped at a light but it was quite sudden and very intense. Despite the tingles and blurry vision and heat wave I was able to calm myself down rather quickly and coped pretty well. I think I'm making some progress with the panic but definitely a work in progress. That said-GO ME!!!


So there we are, my "short" update. HA! Good night and best wishes :o)

A Long Day, A Long Post

Today was quite a day in a pretty good way. Don't get me wrong, I've been surfing anxiety up and down and using skills, even popped an Ativan this evening, but overall I'm proud of myself and how this day went despite being off-routine!


It all started with hitting the gym and not a gym class. This was partially due to my schedule but also because the instructor I liked that did a class Tues/Thur mornings left to work more at her other job and they put a different class in that time slot that just doesn't challenge me enough (although I did try it once and enjoyed the social aspect).

Anyways. I chatted with a nice lady on the treadmill next to me and had a good, sweaty workout proving to myself that I can jog a mile without stopping-in fact, I took a short break to walk and then ran another mile! It felt good and I plan on doing so again tomorrow since my schedule is once again off-routine and requires an early gym visit that doesn't correspond with a class.

Odd detail, but as part of my schedule I opted to shower at the gym and happily noticed that I was more comfortable in the locker room. I even joked with a lady while I was only in my undies and bra!

"Ha!" I laughed as I unpacked the rest of my outfit for the day from my gym bag, making brief eye contact with the woman loading her locker to my left, "I guess ya know it's fall when you don't recognize the clothes in your own gym bag! I saw something yellow and had no clue what it was for a second!"

"Ha! I guess you're right!" She smiled and we laughed together for a moment before returning to our tasks in our own separate bubbles, but it was nice to connect for however brief.


My next social moment was chatting up the barista while I ordered my decaf double shot Americano for the potentially horrendous trafficky drive to meet my mom south of Seattle. We talked teas and autumn and laughed and it felt wonderful, a good way to set off into traffic I'd say!


My drive south went better than anticipated and I was able to reach my destination without hanging onto Google Map's every word from my phone (ECT memory baby steps!). Although when I parked and went to put my hair up with a band that I had scrounged from deep in my purse I found that my butt felt suddenly, acutely uncomfortable in my pants, as if they were chafing or pinching somehow all of a sudden when I'd been comfy all the way there... I couldn't figure it out so I decided to try and walk it off but as I walked away from the car I heard something clink on the parking garage floor and found my tiny Flounder pin. It must've dislodged from my purse as I scrounged for the hair band and somehow ended up under my right thigh in just the right place to poke me in the ass. Yep. That happened. I was annoyed but mostly amused!

Random pic of Baby Bananaface from last night
The hubster's caption to the grandparents was:
"Be with you in a moment." Ha!

Mom and I were meeting a mall and she got a little confused about which parking garage to park in so I had to give her some supplemental directions over the phone so she could find me (I had bags of hand-me-downs for my nephew so we wanted to park right by each other for the transfer). Feeling a little goofy and inspired, I decided to stand at the top of the parking garage ramp and overzealously gesticulate to get her attention and guide her to the right parking area. It was a good stretch-a one point I balanced on one leg and waved my other limbs all at once to occupy as much attention-grabbing space as possible-and my mom got a good kick outta it.

While we were in the mall I happened to come across a gal in the bathroom standing in front of the tampon dispenser in a bit of a frustrated huff and I walked up to her and said, "Hey, if you need a tampon or a pad or something, I'm carrying. You need one?"

She was surprised but looked happy to receive the offer and said she really needed a tampon. I offered her one from my overly cautious, abundant purse stash and we cheerfully parted ways.

Later on in the mall venture I paused to say hello and compliment a woman on her unique sweater. A compilation of white and browns woven (knitted? I don't know exactly the term or technique) into a cool pattern with llamas or alpacas and little mountains. I quite liked it and told her so and she told me it was made some alpaca.  We shared some bright smiles and wished each other wonderful days.


TMS treatment was a little different than usual too. I was exactly on time instead of my usual 15-25 minutes early and I was able to say that I was having a decent day instead of just listing all the things that were challenging me.

On top of this, I was able to relax enough to chat with the technician during treatment. I haven't really been very chatty during treatment, maybe before or after but not during. Today I was pausing the Netflix show to share snippets with the tech and explain the crazy traits of the different fish the host was going after. Today involved giant catfish in the Amazon and crazy looking alligator gar in Texas-with bonus slime!

You can check out the FB page here,
that's where the pic came from!

After I finished rewatching "Border Security: Canada's Front Line" I wasn't sure what to watch next, but luckily one of the Netflix recommendations on the TMS office's iPad led me to this show called "Chasing Monsters." I had never heard of Cyril Chauquet, but maybe some of my Canadian blogging friends will have seen him around on the telly? Apparently he's been doing shows about fishing for quite a while. Might have to look his other show up when this one runs out!


The rest of the day involved getting home through more traffic, walking the dog, and making dinner while the hubster and BB made it home a bit late. We all went to Costco which was enjoyable and I got to load and unload nearly everything so I got some of the strength training I missed from my usual gym class.

My mood has been mostly good. I've been able to stay positive and dismiss unhelpful and/or negative thoughts but I have had anxiety at my back and even a panic attack this evening. The hubster commented that it was nice to see me feeling more "me," and I made a comment along the lines that I'd have to take his word for it because I don't remember being quite this social and outgoing and sassy! But he says that's part of why he married me was because I was a strong, determined, sassy woman. Might ebb and flow with a mood disorder, but maybe I'm getting more strong, determined, and sassy stretch of things?

We shall see!

Right now I'm just focusing on a good night's rest and preparing myself for another off-kilter day schedule wise. Tomorrow is volunteering at the blood bank in the afternoon so early appointment for TMS and early-early gym time... a little wonky and jumbled but I've done it before and enjoyed the volunteer work. Hope that same lady is there as last week!


For now, the sleepy time.


Oh. Happy Fall to all my northern hemisphere bloggers and Happy Spring to those down south! Not sure I'm ready for the rainy season, but here it comes :o)

Let's Take a Break

I've decided to lighten things up a bit, so I'm snagging this fun questionnaire from Martha who stole borrowed it from Debra and I hope to have as much fun filling it out as I did reading their responses!

It's a big one, but I love typing ;o) 

*deep breath* 

Let's do this!

1. Are you named after anyone? Not my first name, but my middle name is my maternal grandmother's middle name. Bonus info: I'm quite fond of the fact that it's spelled "Katharine" instead of "Katherine" or "Catherine." Not quite sure why I'm so fond of that extra "a," but I am!

2. When was the last time you cried? Yesterday I cried several times throughout the day as I struggled with very low mood.

3. Do you like your handwriting? Yes. I get some complaints from people that "can't read" cursive but that's much more comfortable and faster for me to write than manuscript-although I do write very well in manuscript as well. Either one can get sloppy sometimes but I loved the penmanship exercises in elementary school and have always tried to write as nicely as possible since.

4. What is your favourite lunch meat? Smoked turkey. Has been for years and years!

5. Do you have any kids? One, my 18-month old son <3

6. If you were another person, would you be friends? I don't know, I'm kinda a recluse without many friends so the odds are kinda low! If we did find each other, I think we'd be good friends to each other though.

7. Do you use sarcasm? Yep, although I try not to use it in mean or hurtful ways... lots of teasing in my family through sarcasm left some scars!

8. Do you still have your tonsils? Yep.

9. Would you bungee jump? No thanks, the bounce/snap at the bottom freaks me out!

10. What is your favourite cereal? Huh. This is a tough one for me... but I think it's bran flakes. Yes, seriously! They're delicious and reliable. I can eat them for months without getting sick of them and they're a good, crunchy snack when eaten dry.

11. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Nope. I honestly have no clue when I last tied the laces on my gym shoes but it was a long time ago!

12. Do you think you're strong? Absolutely-when I'm in my right mind. There are times when I believe that I'm weak and inherently flawed or broken but when I'm in a good head space I can recognize my mental and physical strength; and I've sure worked hard on building both of those!

13. What is your favourite ice cream flavour? Hmmm... I used to be quite the ice cream fiend but I haven't been as much lately so this is a challenging question at the moment. Huh, maybe it's an "ECT moment" with my memory? Anywho, I asked the hubby and he said Neapolitan is one of my faves (which also happens to be one of his least favorites). I do remember that I like to eat the separate flavors when the ice cream is really cold and as it softens I like to mix them into a weird, delicious gray colored mass!

14. What is the first thing you notice about people? Unsure exactly but I think it might be "spark," or whatever little signs come together to suggest intelligence or being engaged with the world. For instance, when walking down hallways or trails I'm constantly trying to assess if the oncoming traffic is a collision risk or engaged, aware, and potentially courteous-not a fan of zombies ;o)

15. Red or pink? Pink. Used to be anti-pink, but now I have quite a bit of pink in my life and it makes me happy.

16. What is the least favourite thing you like about yourself? My mental illness. Things are a bit sensitive right now, so I'm just gonna leave it at that.

17. What colour pants and shoes are you wearing right now? Navy blue pajama bottoms and no shoes.

18. What was the last thing you ate? A few bites off the hubby's See's Chocolate Seegar. Love their chocolate!

19. What are you listening to right now? The ceiling fan whirring...

20. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be? Teal, magenta, or purple.

21. Favourite smell? Hmm... I narrowed it down to lavender, the hubby, or coffee.

22. Who was the last person you talked to? The hubster, of course!

23. Favourite sport to watch? Don't really have one but I enjoy baseball, football, and gymnastics (ya know, whenever I watch the Olympics).

24. Hair colour that's real? At the moment. I used to play around dying my hair but it's all natural now and I hope to have it that way from now on and reach my graying stage someday <3

25. Do you wear contacts? Not at the moment, my prescription expired and I ran out but I have and will again.

26. Favourite food? I've said lasagna for years so I'll just stick with that.

27. Scary movies or happy endings? Happy endings. Not a fan of scary stuff!

28. Last movie you watched? "Wreck-it Ralph" with the boys.

29. What colour shirt are you wearing? Light grey.

30. Summer or winter? Winter. Iced coffee is good, but the hot coffee days and snuggly sweaters are where it's at! So much easier to warm myself up than cool off.

31. Hugs or kisses? Hugs (that goes for chocolates and for the real stuff).

32. Favourite sweet food? Chocolate-in so many forms!

33. What book are you currently reading? I haven't read from it in days but I've made it through a chunk of "Stone of Tears" by Terry Goodkind. Hoping to reread the whole series, but we'll see.

34. What is on your mouse pad? Nadda! Ain't got one. Just plain ole dining table.

35. What did you last watch on TV? "Running Wild with Bear Grylls" with Marshawn Lynch.

36. Favourite sound? Bird wings. When I'm close enough to hear them beating it's thrilling and calming all at once-just does something different for me than bird song or other sounds.

37. Rolling Stones or Beatles? Beatles. Went through a huge Beatles phase in high school and loved singing along through whole CDs.

38. What is the farthest you have traveled? New Zealand.

39. Do you have a special talent? I can be quite crafty, creative, and artistic. I've been known to draw and paint and craft and stitch quite a bit.

40. Where were you born? California, on a military base that no longer exists!



Whew. I made it! That's quite a quiz! Let me know if you decide to partake as well and I'll try and check out your answers :o)

For now, it's bedtime. My anxiety came up a bit this evening but I'm using my skills and hoping to wake up in a good place mentally tomorrow like I did today.

A Tuesday....

Today was a different Tuesday than usual because I had an ECT appointment. The hubster worked from home/hospital so we dropped off Baby Bananaface at daycare together and hung out a bit before heading to my appointment. We got there a bit early so there was some extended waiting but everything went to plan and pretty smoothly except for a little bit uncomfortable of an IV.

After ECT I was starvin' Marvin (so was Hubster) so we hit up the local McMenamin's and gorged ourselves. I had a little bit of a hard time since I get a special medication when I go under that reduces my saliva (apparently I'm an extra-spitty person) and that made eating somewhat difficult. I did really enjoy the meal and our dessert, a salted caramel hazelnut torte that we especially enjoy.

Once we had finished our hefty meal we decided to go for a walk with the dog-or should I say stroll? Normally our walks are rather... zippily paced to where we break a sweat and get our heart rates up but this time was more relaxed and I even took some pictures and videos (feels like I haven't done that in a long time). 

A green pinecone on the ground (I don't recall seeing one on the ground before!):

What we are pretty sure now is a type of millipede (Harpaphe haydeniana) but I wasn't sure at the time:

 Another little video which I wasn't sure what a bug was-I know the worm is a worm but the other thing?

And a last video about a slug, but not a jumping slug-which apparently exists!

 A field bindweed (no I didn't know it was called that, it just reminded me of a morning glory and I liked it):

Overall it's been a pretty good day. I laughed a lot, cried a little, and really enjoyed spending the day with my husband. My jittery feelings seem more mild than usual or I'm less agitated by them, either way I'm grateful for the relieved sensation!

We Interrupt This A to Z For---A Mini Vacay!

So the hubs and I took a miniature vacation this week. It involved first hauling us, Baby Bananaface, Fio, and all our stuff to my parents' on Saturday. We helped with a few projects around the house (they've put it on the market) and then on Sunday my husband, dad, and sister went fishing to celebrate my sister's birthday and opening day. They got not one nibble!

Monday, the hubs and I took off for Oregon, leaving the pup and babe in my mother's care. We cruised down to the Woodburn outlets and had a miraculously efficient shopping spree where we found exactly what we needed in a very zippy fashion; only walking a third of the outlets before declaring our visit a success, grabbing some Jamba Juice, and hitting the road again.

Midday we found ourselves at the Evergreen Aviation and Space Museum. Wow. This place is massive, has a ton of stuff, in the middle of nowhere (pretty much there because a father and his son decided "what the hell, I'm doin' this"), has a theater and a waterpark, of course, and we only ended up there because I happened to find it on a hand painted map of the Pacific Northwest that hangs in our kitchen and said, "Hey Hun, do you think we could go see the Spruce Goose on our mini vacation? Or would that be too random?" Not too random for us. It was awesome!

Spruce Goose is HUGE!!!

Really HUGE!!!

Inside the Spruce Goose (with the vintage beach balls that tickled me so)

Fancy panoramic shot the hubs took. Yes, that's me in the blue!

Of course they had rockets too...
we just took less pictures of the space stuff!

We geeked out for a couple (or few?) hours (including a 45 minute documentary on hidden universes and giant ass telescopes) and I got a totally random clearance event shirt commemorating an event I didn't attend for $6.50 as a souvenir because, hell, I could and then we took to the road again to head for our "destination," McMenamain's Grand Lodge.

The lodge was kinda creepy including our room's story/theme about a mason that was assassinated for threatening to publish masonic secrets in 1862 but eventually we got comfy and the Japanese soaking pool was a big part of that! Love, love, loved the soaking pool.

I also had a wonderful experience at Ruby's Spa with a sweet manicurist that swapped birth stories with me and was so reassuring about my progress with my postpartum depression and getting my life back, it really didn't matter that I smudged my nails not five minutes after leaving the spa because that special talk we had meant just so much.

Once again, our destination was a bit in the middle of nowhere, but it was actually a lovely drive back to civilization off the I-5 for the most part after our delightful breakfast Tuesday morning. As we passed through Portland on our way home we got to stop at the rose garden where we had our first kiss and have a nice stroll. We didn't get to sit on the bench where we had our first kiss since it was occupied but we kissed by the bench anyways and got a different selfie over by the fountain <3

Met six years ago this August

We got my parents and my sister each a little prize as a thank you and we got to listen to quite a bit of a book on tape that has us totally hooked now (multiple great plot twists, tell ya what). The book on tape is a part of a series that we haven't read or listened to before but it's been delightful listening regardless and we can't wait to finish it!

Oh, and the damned postcard. Good grief. Our room at the lodge included a postcard and I wrote a nice thank you message to my family but the lodge didn't have stamps so we couldn't get it stamped until a headache supply stop at a local Walgreens later and they didn't have a mailbox so we were looking for one the entire way back until-guess what-that postcard gonna be postmarked my parents' hometown. D'oh. But we mailed it, gosh darnit.

It was just an overnight solo trip with a lot of special activities stuffed in but it was so delightful. I felt like myself again for the first time in a long time and despite some anxiety and other symptoms, I felt encouraged about my ability to recuperate and find a solution that works for me and my issues. It was lovely and so nice going on an adventure with my man again, just us, for the first time in such a long time!

Yay for mini vacays!

J is for Jokes #atozchallenge

This post is part of my first year doing the A to Z Challenge and I happen to be writing under the theme Gratitude: The Things That Keep Me Alive. This is a relevant theme for me as I am struggling with postpartum depression, and also have diagnosed anxiety and bipolar II (just to let you know what's going on with me-it might be pertinent as you read the post below). Thank you for stopping by and reading my post!

J is for jokes because jokes help grease the gears and get me through tough, awkward conversations or simply make life a little more enjoyable for a moment. 

I grew up in a family that isn't comfortable sharing many personal feelings or details. Many times I've shared something quite serious or personal and been met with paralyzed silence, but by joking around we can usually get some sort of conversation going even if it's not quite as helpful or purposeful. 

I'm also really grateful for jokes because having depressive episodes really, really sucks and it's really tough to do much of anything or keep your mind away from horrible thoughts, but watching some comedy can take me out of my depressive mood for a little bit and jokes can sweep away my sadness for a moment. "The Golden Girls" and stand up or even goofy comedy movies all help me maintain through really tough days and I'm very grateful to have a pleasant coping tool like that!

I also enjoy and am grateful for jokes while joking around with medical staff or office staff. Going to the dentist or getting ECT done can be highly stressful but joking around a bit takes the edge off. So many times I said, "Oh! Here I go. See you guys later!" as the anesthesia swept over me for ECT or joked around with the nurse as they poked me with the big ole needles for my IV. It made things so much better. Even on those days when I felt really horrible, it helped to crack a joke.

And in honor of today's topic, I will share a favorite joke of mine (I favor the wordplay variety):

A raccoon goes to board a plane and he's carrying two pieces of roadkill. What did the flight attendant say to the raccoon?

"I'm sorry sir, each passenger is only allowed one carrion item." 

Hahahahaha & ewww!

I think I get the pun loving from my dad! Anyone else have favorite jokes they'd like to share? 

*If you didn't get it, carrion = carry-on, and carrion is a word not so commonly used to describe dead and decaying animals or flesh.

E is for Entertainment #atozchallenge

This post is part of my first year doing the A to Z Challenge and I happen to be writing under the theme Gratitude: The Things That Keep Me Alive. This is a relevant theme for me as I am struggling with postpartum depression, and also have diagnosed anxiety and bipolar II (just to let you know what's going on with me-it might be pertinent as you read the post below). Thank you for stopping by and reading my post!

E is for entertainment is vague but that's just how it's going to be, folks. 

By entertainment I mean TV shows, coloring books, reading books, watching the hummingbirds visit our feeder, watching any bird really, laughing at whatever funny thing Bubba does, even laughing with the hubs over whatever goofy comment one of us makes or silly thing we notice. There are a lot of different sources of entertainment that help get me through the day and get me going in the morning or keep me interested in sticking around for more days.

That is a sad thing to think, that sometimes it's not about my family or friends or loved ones, it's just about rewatching another season of "Alpha House" or baking some cookies just to see if I can remember the recipe from my head or feeding some hummingbirds, but that's how it is sometimes when you have depression or bipolar or other disorders, I'm sure. 

And anyways, even if you are disorder free (congratulations), entertainment certainly makes life more liveable, dunnit it? Not to mention the jobs created... anyways. 

I'm grateful for entertainment and I'm grateful for all the happy memories I have of sharing entertaining moments with my husband, my son, my family, my friends, my blogging buddies, and even strangers! 

Entertainment is more than getting through the rough patches, it's helping avoid the rough patches and keeping a healthy lifestyle rolling-so with that in mind, I hope you, reader, are entertained today (it's a good bet something will pleasure you) and I hope you take notice and mindfully appreciate that moment. 

Enjoy your entertainment! and be well :o)

C is for Coffee #atozchallenge

This post is part of my first year doing the A to Z Challenge and I happen to be writing under the theme Gratitude: The Things That Keep Me Alive. This is a relevant theme for me as I am struggling with postpartum depression, and also have diagnosed anxiety and bipolar II (just to let you know what's going on with me-it might be pertinent as you read the post below). Thank you for stopping by and reading my post!

C is for coffee because coffee has always been an important element of the relationship I have with the hubster and even the relationships I have with my family and family friends. Coffee is quite a character and thankfully it's a soothing, delicious character (in my experience). 

When I think of coffee I think of late nights and early mornings; cozy days at home and cramped days on the road. Whether I'm feeling great or feeling terrible, coffee is there and helps, somehow, nearly every freakin' time. It's the closest thing I have to a miracle drug.

The hubs and I have sipped our way through our fair share of sugary travesties but for the most part relish the rich, dark bite of a black cup of coffee or a "plain" Americano, I even go for the super concentrated doppio! (translation: two shots of pure espresso).

He may like his at a temperature that spares his tongue's first layer of cells but I like my coffee at hellishly warm temperatures (seems like I get this from my father, we swear it tastes better that way) and while we both might have a latte every once in a while, we're usually "just plain, please."

But the flavor is of little consequence when compared to the act of "getting coffee" or "making coffee." The ritual is something ingrained in my family and I love combing through my memories and recalling drive-thru coffee orders and coffee shop camp outs and coffee ground littered counters during homemade missions.

Thinking of coffees bought at zoos or at drive-thrus provide special memories, even when it's not a great experience! Like when the hubs ordered a cup of regular joe and received a full cup of hot delicious brew but I ordered decaf and got a semi-filled, lukewarm cup of barf (I was cussing like a sailor, lemme tell you!), brings me happiness. Unity. Assurance. Coffee there will always be!

Coffee makes me happy and makes my family and my husband happy and that is something to be grateful for and happy about. With my conditions I have to be conscientious of the hour and my anxiety levels before choosing between caffeinated or decaf, but it's a small price to pay in my coffee communion. Coffee is love.

Sip on, dear reader, sip on!





Yes. Seriously. Coffee. I mean, look, this is a picture of the side of my fridge:

I drew this and sent it in the mail with some foil hearts splashing around in the envelope to surprise the hubster. He said it was a lovely surprise but quite interesting picking up tiny foil hearts while his coworkers weren't looking! Hahaha If the cartoon looks familiar, it was fashioned after "Bob's Burgers." FYI ;o)