Sunday, October 9, 2016

Despite the Pain

Yesterday was quite a day. My parents came up and watched BB so the hubbo and I could hike Mt. Pilchuck.

The hike was a challenging one but the weather made it way more intense; especially this part at the end where we had to scramble across some boulders and up a slick ladder, but we were pretty motivated. I had never made it to the top of the trail before and the hubster hadn't in many years AND there was a placard at the top that happens to have our son's name and helped sway the hubby toward naming him that... so I really wanted to see that :o)

Hopefully this video works, sort of the brink of my technological savvy trying to put it in here!


Way more intense at the
top than we expected!
Yes, my glasses were
totally fogged up.

I could imagine the lookout having spectacular views during the right season. As it was, we were totally shrouded by fog and clouds with driving rain and very intense wind that buffeted the tower and made some loud banging noises on top of the loud wind rushes. It made the scramble down from the tower quite scary and cold to the point where I couldn't feel my fingers and the hubster said he saw freezing rain!

Hubster smile...
Hubster smirk...

How we do our trails in the fall/winter in the
good ole Pacific Northwest! 

But we made it. There and back. Despite the scary parts on the trail and the scary parts in my mind when my brain started to wander in bad directions. It usually doesn't happen to me while on a hike but yesterday I had to use a lot of skills to cope with the distressing thoughts and well on into the night I was struggling against my anxiety and darkness.

After an hour of trying to fall asleep last night without success I turned to my prescribed medication for help and even got some iced sponges for my face to help calm me down. It took a while and some effort but I averted full-blown crisis and managed to nod off somehow!

Nights can be rough for me and I'm not quite sure why but maybe because I had so many dark, traumatic nights in the depths of my depression? Maybe because I've struggled with getting to sleep for so many years? I don't know and it doesn't quite matter but it came up last night, that's for sure. The anxiety and dark thoughts were out in force!

I'm really proud of myself for not only making it to the top of the hike but for coping with my symptoms and coping with my symptoms again and again. It's been difficult lately to simply accept the pain and just deal with it. I've been feeling sad and "pouty" about putting up with yet more anxiety and dark thoughts and I feel ashamed of this but it's worth acknowledging, since the anger and stubbornness makes things harder for me in the long run.

A little mantra I came up with on the hike helped soothe me a bit. It went like this, "Everyone has their own pain, everyone has their own gifts." Pain is a part of everyone's life as a human and I need to come to a place of acceptance around that to live a better life.

So. The journey continues. Hope you enjoy the pictures :o) Despite the pain, despite the wind, despite the rain we had a great time and will cherish those memories for a long time!

Keep on keepin' on <3


  1. Hannah, I am so proud of you! And your photos are wonderful, and the last one, with you and your hubby, made me smile. Amen, dear friend. Despite the pain, despite all the difficult and negativity, you had a great time! Keep on going! Sending you warm hugs and lots of love. :)

    1. Thank you Linda! Glad we could make you smile :o) Hugs!

  2. Good for you! Having a wonderful time despite challenges is very important! Hugs!

  3. I am so happy for you I have tears in my eyes. Yay you.
    I like your mantra. I have had similar thoughts. Ducks looks so serene, floating effortlessly on the water. And out of sight their little legs are going gangbusters keeping them there.

    1. Hugs. Thinking about all those ducks, I feel so sorry for them if they feel like I do! I hope they have more piece of mind in their silent struggles <3

  4. How very rugged of you! I stayed in my pajamas all day yesterday. I did brave the torrential downpour to take the grab age AND recycling out AND kitchen waste out.

    1. Go you! Venturing out with the trash and recycling in the rain is definitely on the same spectrum in my book, although this hike was on the other end by far haha But we did it! Yay us!

  5. Congratulations on the way you persevere through pain.

    1. Thank you, trying to repeat the process these past couple days as well! *sigh*

  6. Wow, amazing! That is quite an accomplishment. I love the photos, especially the one with the stairs!

    1. That's my favorite one too! Although the hubby's smirk versus smile pairing is a close second for me :o)


Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF