Don't Fear The Progress

I now have "Don't Fear The Reaper" stuck in my head. D'oh!

Anyways-the progress I'm referring to in the title is my TMS taper. Yesterday was my last appointment for an entire month (assuming things go well). I'm a little nervous about going without some sort of treatment (TMS or ECT) and having such an open schedule but I also recognize that I've made a lot of progress and that I'm probably stronger than I think. And even though I'm not doing TMS or ECT all the time anymore I'm still working with medications and DBT skills/therapy-so I'm not totally out in the cold by any means!

The taper from 5x/week to 3x/week to 2x/week to 1x/week went pretty well-better than I expected for sure. I definitely need to find things to pop into my schedule and keep myself busy but I have gym classes and I also know that I'll be signing up for an online course through the community college soon and I'm looking forward to that.

I'm nervous and a bit frightened but I can also see that I'm making progress and that taking yet another step in the right direction is a good thing. It's okay to be afraid sometimes and I'm still building up my confidence.

So that's the news. Still staying the course, still plugging along.

OH! I can't remember if I mentioned or not that I managed to bring up the issues I was having with my therapist and we were able to talk through some things. I now feel much more comfortable piping up about how I'm feeling and as of right now I think things are going to be all right. I still reserve the right to change therapists if I need to at some point in the future but as it is I think we were able to reach a better place. She was very helpful last week during our session when I was having a very down day and I was very grateful for that....

Anyways. I haven't been feeling 100% physically, little sore throat and coughing, so I'm going to brew some hot beverage and cuddle up for some TV time (another mini-challenge for myself trying to relax into watching some TV without my brain going haywire).

Happy Friday to everyone!

An Update Before Bed...

It's late and I can't write out much but I wanted to do a little update before bed anyways :o)

The weekend went pretty well. Definitely felt the stress and definitely had to use more skills and more medication to ride the waves of my mood but I really enjoyed seeing my MIL. I was even pleasantly surprised by the interactions with the hubby's siblings and having "adult" time-I did fine!

The weekend involved some scheduled outings and time hanging out at my in-law's, even an evening out at a local bar with the hubby's sibs/in-laws.

I really enjoyed the carousel, even played with Baby Bananaface on the playground nearby for a good bit of time. Fun fact: that was the hubbo's first time on a carousel that he's aware of! Woo woo! The boat ride was fun and a nice break from routine where I acknowledged that I was feeling relaxed and enjoying myself-a rarity lately! I even got in some cuddles with BB <3

Overall, I feel like it was tough but not rough and a victory in my mind, which feels good :o)



On a more recent note, I had a busy day today with three appointments including one with my therapist and even though I waited until the last ten minutes I did indeed bring up my concerns! It was a big leap for me and there were some tears involved but I made my feelings known and I feel proud of myself.

Not sure how things will work out in the long run but we've made a commitment to working on things and we'll just take it from there. She actually mentioned that she had felt something was off but couldn't tell what it was and let me know that she was very glad that I said something, which felt good to hear.

I got so much encouragement from so many places (friends online, friends IRL, psychiatrist, another therapist, hubby, maybe even more) and I'm so glad that I finally brought this up! Thank you for the encouragement and support everybody :o) We'll see where things go from here, but for now-GO ME!!!


Another GO ME!!! moment involves coping with a big ole panic attack during the car ride home this afternoon. Thankfully it happened while I was stopped at a light but it was quite sudden and very intense. Despite the tingles and blurry vision and heat wave I was able to calm myself down rather quickly and coped pretty well. I think I'm making some progress with the panic but definitely a work in progress. That said-GO ME!!!


So there we are, my "short" update. HA! Good night and best wishes :o)

Sneaky Momma Bloggin' in the AM...

The boys are still snoozing this warm Saturday morning and I am in the dining room typing away, only a little on edge as I wait for the waking cry of my toddler. It always stresses me out to some degree waiting for the waking sounds but this morning it's not so bad, I'm even a little relaxed and content as I let the boys sleep on a bit longer.

I think the happy feelings have a little to do with having had therapy yesterday and discussing my self-judgments and implementing grateful thoughts and building up my self-esteem instead of letting myself sink into mental spaces where I'm constantly apologizing for myself and feeling bad about my existence. That's no way to live. Talk about bringin' ya down! It's miserable!

Right now I feel grateful that I'm able to wake up and get moving in the morning and that I have routines like making coffee for the hubby and getting a little breakfast prepped and hitting the gym and that I have things to look forward to like visiting the local espresso stand before the owners hand it over to the new owners next week (sad but true, I'm losing my favorite baristas!). I'm trying to teach myself to dwell in the positive and when I succeed at this it feels pretty dang good.

So, I'm trying to cheer myself on internally and participate more earnestly in a healthier, happier lifestyle to bolster my lifeforce and stability. I'm trying to acknowledge and appreciate the progress that I've made the last few months and praise myself for all the hard work that I've been doing instead of harping on myself for all the things that still remain to be improved (it's so dang easy for my brain to see the darker sides of things!).

On that note, I will try to be kinder to myself today and I hope that my readers and blogging friends can be kind to themselves too and hopefully have some happy moments like I'm having now. It certainly saddens me to know that so many share similar struggles with mental health but I'm so grateful to have found this community and source of inspiration and support-thank you all <3

Happy weekend! Thank you for being you! Good luck and big smiles :o)

Leaning into my fears... a little bit

Therapy yesterday was particularly intense. Lots of tears, lots of fears. It was upsetting but at the same time was good to feel a bit of clarity and perspective. I can't explain everything exactly but I can say that I came away from the session with a new sense of appreciation for how much motherhood means to me and how my fears of failing Baby Bananaface and hubster and our little family can paralyze me. It was intimidating but very grounding having it pointed out that I do care about things, that I do find meaning in life, that I am attached to this world. Lately I've had several bouts of dark thoughts that have made me wonder about such things.

It's very easy for me to get swept up in sticky, dark thoughts that lead me into a wormhole filled with questions about what life means. I have a difficult time accepting the unknown and I think "What is the meaning of life?" is one of those big questions without a single answer, but instead more answers than anyone could count. In that way it's a question without a solid answer and that wears on my mind, it tortures me and trips me up and shoves me down into my darkest places at the drop of a hat but as I gain a little more strength of mind I find myself returning to my ideas of "lowercase faith" and exploring my personal beliefs and trying to build up a defense against the dark pattern of my negative thoughts.

When I can navigate around those dark thoughts and resist the pull toward hopelessness I find myself considering questions of honor and love and hope and faith. I find myself believing and finding comfort in the idea that I live my life for love and that I battle fear and hate. It's quite simplified but it helps bring meaning to the suffering and remind me of those wonderful things about life that are worth sticking around for.

I'm still susceptible to those dark thought patterns and it can be a quick slide into a suicidal mental landscape for me, but I think that as I build my coping skills through DBT and build my strength of faith and sense of meaning I will find myself more resilient. It's scary to confront these thoughts and all the unknowns, I certainly don't know where I'll end up or what life will look like down the road and that's a scary thing. I can only do my best and hope that things will turn out all right.

This isn't quite the post that I was trying to create. I feel like I've shied away from many of the biggest deep dark thoughts and the hopeful bright thoughts that I've encountered over the past week or so, but that's simply how it is right now. The feelings that get stirred up as I explore my thoughts are uncomfortable and I can't risk falling into a hole right now, so I tiptoed my way around them as best I could and tried to stay calm instead of digging deep and potentially getting myself whipped into a fretful frenzy!

Well, I don't know what else to type right now except I hope everyone is well and finds some peace and happiness today.

The 51%ers vs. The 75%ers

Yes, this is a rather odd title for a post but once I lay it out for ya I think you will agree that it's actually quite awesome... and ya know what, some of you might even relate or find it a useful way to look at things. ANYWAY, I'll try to focus and get to the point.

Here's the dealio. A few weeks back I was in therapy and told a story to my therapist about the hubster. He and I were driving to therapy-that day actually-having a discussion about his chronic headaches and how he suffers painful headaches and "feels like shit about 50% of the time." I said, "50%!? That's an F, ya know. Seems unacceptable to me." He replied, with a bit of sass, "Well, 51% of the time I feel fine. That's good enough for me."

My therapist enjoyed the story and asked me where I would need be, percentage-wise, to be happy. I said 75% or higher, I usually aim for 98% and higher, but 75% is a C-grade and average so that would be "acceptable" to me. She nodded and said that she related to me and then asked what I thought the 51%ers were missing out on having a lower standard for happiness.

I couldn't quite think of anything at first. I thought it might be a trick question, but I answered, "Maybe stress and more work and time spent on "getting it right?" She smirked and smiled and nodded and I started to get it. If I lower my standards I can be happier more often, I can spend more time enjoying life instead of worrying and stressing over details and putting more time and energy into things that are good enough as is!

My therapist also painted a good picture of how a 75%er's brain works by telling me to imagine two old school thermometers with a scale from 0-100. One scale is for negative events and 75%ers are sensitive to every negative event whether it reads at a 1 or 100 level intensity but on the other scale, the happy scale, we can only register a happy event if it measures 75 or higher, the less intense happy moments are lost to us and we miss out on all those extra happy moments. The 51%ers are raking in more happiness because they have a lower standard and accept more happy events in their lives.

I love this imagery and it has been very helpful so far as I "try to think more like a 'normal' person." :op

Anyway. The hubster and I are working on getting me down to say, 61% or lower instead of the 75% and higher. Don't know if I can get lower than that, but we shall see! Every once in a while he calls me out when I'm getting upset by asking, "What would a 51%er say?" and it is so helpful in not only calming me down but helping me reroute the conditioned circuits in my brain that only see negativity.

So the next time you start getting stressed out or find yourself upset, ask yourself what a 51%er would say and maybe you'll find yourself letting go of some extra stress and worry that you just don't need in your life :o)

L is for Learning #atozchallenge

This post is part of my first year doing the A to Z Challenge and I happen to be writing under the theme Gratitude: The Things That Keep Me Alive. This is a relevant theme for me as I am struggling with postpartum depression, and also have diagnosed anxiety and bipolar II (just to let you know what's going on with me-it might be pertinent as you read the post below). Thank you for stopping by and reading my post!

L is for learning, or learnin' as I sometimes say, as in book learning (knowledge gathered from books or study as opposed to experience) because not only do I truly enjoy learning I am very grateful for learning new things as a piece of my recovery. 

While I was inpatient we would have a variety of learning experiences during therapy that involved articles, workbooks, worksheets, and educational films. I am currently in a DBT class (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) and seeing a DBT therapist to learn new coping mechanisms and make positive lifestyle changes, and boy, is that workbook hefty! There are also various articles that I read online and research into my diagnoses that I do mostly online that are a more freeflowing, unpredictable but essential part of my learning in recovery that I also consider book learnin'. 

I gain a lot of knowledge through experience, but I find book learnin' to be more enjoyable and rewarding. The hubster seems to be a bit different. He would gain a lot of knowledge and rewarding feelings from say, falling down the side of a mountain whereas I would just be upset! I think it shows how there are different types of people in the world. Some people prefer book learnin' to experience, some people prefer experience, and some people prefer not to learn at all (a la #Trump and his supporters). 

Learning is one of those complicated things that can be quite pleasurable or quite unpleasant. One of those big ticket items in life that can be considered what life is all about like love, family, experience; learning is unending and sometimes convoluted, other times delightfully simple:

live to learn; learn to live.

For someone like me, who has considered taking her own life on multiple occasions, learning to live is no joke. While I'll probably be working on this lesson for the rest of my life, learning to live well can be as satisfying as it is challenging. Some of it comes natural, but there are a lot of ways I've had to learn to take care of myself and I'm really glad I have books and resources to help me!

And seriously, if we didn't learn anything ever we wouldn't last very long, would we?!

Take care and be well :o)

I is for Intimacy #atozchallenge

This post is part of my first year doing the A to Z Challenge and I happen to be writing under the theme Gratitude: The Things That Keep Me Alive. This is a relevant theme for me as I am struggling with postpartum depression, and also have diagnosed anxiety and bipolar II (just to let you know what's going on with me-it might be pertinent as you read the post below). Thank you for stopping by and reading my post!

I is for intimacy because intimacy, for me, is a vital part of a life worth living and an essential part of my recovery and maintained wellness.

Intimacy is defined in a variety of ways but for my purposes I'm referring to the  definitions that include: a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group; the quality of being comfortable, warm, or familiar; an act of expression serving as a token of familiarity, affection or the like; an amorously familiar act; sex.

What in my life fits that bill? Well, sex is pretty obvious. It is what it is (and thankfully the hubbo and I aren't having problems in that department! we have enough challenges methinks!). Those other types of intimacy take some translating, some scouting, some sussing out on occasion to really appreciate and recognize.

Take for instance the simple act of eye contact shared with my husband during an emotional, upsetting moment this weekend when I was crying and out of sorts; his hand on my thigh as we are driving down the freeway; playing catch with my sister and listening to her birth story and sharing my insights (I'm a trained birth doula); even bringing someone a cup of water without a request having been made are all examples of intimacy. 

Playing cards can be an intimate act that is validating and distracting and soothing. Hiking or going for a walk and sweating my ass butt off and getting all grody with someone is intimate (to me) as is sharing how I'm really feeling or shedding tears in front of someone and having them acknowledge my feelings or tears. 

Of course, many of my favorite intimate moments are shared with my husband (that's a big part of why he's the hubster, after all) and many of those are private and not meant to be shared BUT I will share this story with you...

It was late, say 10:30 or 11:00 at night, Baby Bananaface had been asleep for a couple hours and the hubs and I had watched our couple episodes of "Burn Notice" and hopped into bed only to realize that I hadn't taken my evening medication (big no-no for someone with BPD). With my particular medicine I need to eat about 300 calories when I take it to make sure that it absorbs properly. Well, I haven't been particularly interested in food so getting me to eat is a bit of challenge; especially after I've brushed my teeth and already been snuggled into bed ready to sleep!

As I'm consuming random bits of food after taking my pill I see the hubbo suddenly lurching around kicking as high as he can into the air followed by stifled groaning and "shaking it off" and rubbing and flexing his inner thigh/hip. I asked what he was doing and he said he was trying to do a "kick like Michael does in the show."

Next thing you know, I'm attempting a roundhouse kick and nearly launching my hubby into the pantry as I make *surprising* contact with his chest as I whirl around. He lost his balance, I wobbled around like a rhino on two legs and we ended up clonking heads, tickling each other, giggling and squealing as quietly as we could as we regained our composure. 

I had teased him just before my stunt about "obviously didn't learn how to do a roundhouse kick when you were younger" and he asked, after his attack, "Where did you learn to do a roundhouse kick?! Were you a Girl Scout?" 

I laughed heartily and replied, "A) No. I was not a Girl Scout. B) Do they even teach roundhouse kicks in Girl Scouts?" 

Guess we have a conversation starter next time we go in for some Thin Mints....

Anybody have a favorite "intimacy" story they'd like to share? A moment with a total stranger or a moment with a close loved one?

How is it...

How is it that I have such an utterly terrible copy of one of my favorite movies? I'm still enjoying watching it, don't get me wrong, but in the age of Blu-Ray ya can sure tell when a DVD isn't quite up to snuff!

What is this movie? Why let me tell you...

One of my favorite movies of all time is a John Wayne flick called "McLintock!" It has Maureen O'Hara, Patrick Wayne, Stefanie Powers, Jerry Van Dyke, Chill Wills, and Yvonne De Carlo in addition to John Wayne and even more actors that have become beloved and familiar after I've watched the movie so many times since my single digit years.

If you peruse this page of quotes you may just get a feel for it but there are many moments and quotes that aren't mentioned that have become favorites in my family. One of my personal favorites in the film is when Maureen O'Hara takes over driving a wagon and John Wayne (riding a horse) rides up and asks "Just where do you think you are going?" and she replies, "Don't use that range boss tone of voice with me!" and drives on by to a local mine where a big brawl takes place.

Also favorite in my family is the word play of the movie. There is a lot of drama between the country folks of McLintock in the territory and the city folk of the established states and cities and such. You've probably already gathered from my blog that I'm a word-lover and being an English major to boot just lines me up to enjoy the word play even more I suppose... but my whole family enjoys the back-and-forth and the "What does ________ mean?" questions that pop up every so often!

I'm not sure if "McLintock!" is my favorite movie ever but it's certainly one that I would never leave out of my collection. It might be a little... heavy? on the spanking/violence but I think everyone gives as good as they get-and any movie with molasses and feathers like that... and Maureen O'Hara chasing down her man in the end! Ya just gotta see it if you have the chance, I'd be typing all day if I tried to capture every special moment.

And did I mention, that in my family we have had a stuffed animal or two take the name of a character from this movie and a cat take the name of a character too!?

Anyways...

In other news I finally found my favorite pair of glasses (the purple ones with the plastic frames) lying on the sidewalk outside just over the railing of our stairs! They weren't cracked or anything but I'll have to clean 'em up a bit-been missing all week!

Started DBT this week and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I think "crabby" might be the word? Having to change my ways is a bit annoying but I think it has to be done if I ever want to live the life I keep yearning for... guess we'll see. Still feel like a mess... guess the important thing is to remember I can change, things can change, and I'm not just a lost cause.

Been feeling a bit down on myself for not driving and being... reduced (?) in my capacity of late but I'm trying to do some chores and keep up with things even if I'm not taking care of the babe or quite up to par lately. Ugh. One foot in front of the other...

%&$*#(#^@(($&%*^(#))#_#((%***

I feel like shit. I feel like shit and the backs of my hands are green with bruises from that idiot anesthesiologist and my head is hurting and I feel sad because I'm not feeling better despite being fried for I don't know how many weeks. I'm over it.

Thinking about ECT and what I am going through boggles my brain... looking at the bruises and holes in my arms and feeling my head throb and thinking about all the resources getting me to and from the hospital twice a week all because of my broken brain and for so many weeks---so many weeks, so much pain, so many pokes, so many pills and I still feel like crap. I sure hope that the DBT therapy helps (I started seeing a new therapist yesterday and I start a new group therapy tomorrow).

My memory has been terrible lately because of the ECT... ugh.

Whatever.

On a separate note but also related to my personal annoyance, my period finally started (relief) but good grief I guess holding it in for a few extra days made for an extra saucy menses. As if I need anything else bugging me!

GOOD

FREAKIN'

GRIEF







PS The hubs and I started re-watching Burn Notice since we finished watching The Adventures of Brisco County Jr. for the second time..... that's enjoyable at least :)

 

Grumble.

Not feeling so great today. Yesterday the ECT doctor asked about switching to bilateral treatment. Part of me doesn't care about potentially losing memories but I am upset about the ECT not doing exactly what it's supposed to do. I've been going under anesthesia and being zapped in the head for weeks and haven't felt much difference. I'm disappointed to be feeling this crappy after this much time. I'm not sure if I have much confidence in switching to bilateral if unilateral hasn't done much for me.

I also get to look forward to new medications that may or may not work. Woohoo.

Ugh. Unilateral. Bilateral. Medications. My therapist says I need to find someone else that is better able to assist me.

...

I'm sad. I feel like a failure. I'm losing faith in the treatments, my doctors.

This sucks.



Poop on a stick.

Poop on a flippin' stick.

Whatever that means.

Christmas-Family-Woo-Not

Christmas. We survived. I'm exhausted and my head is still spinning over my mother, but we're alive and well enough.

My mother, you ask? Well after the gift exchange and unexpectedly seeing my sister we all knew that a family Christmas all of us together was out. I suppose my email upset my mom enough that she opted for no Christmas with us at all. I was pretty shocked that she didn't want to see her grandson unwrap some gifts... maybe in her mind it was "on Christmas itself or not at all." I don't know.

We've been told by my dad that she's in a state and if we "need anything, go through me" so there's a sort of no contact order in effect. It's quite shocking but at the same time not totally unexpected. When I violate family norms she usually locks herself away or becomes distant until a few days or weeks or months later she reappears as if nothing ever happened. It's sad and frustrating and confusing but I know enough now to know it's her problem, not mine.

So we didn't have Christmas with my family. Instead we stopped by a tennis tournament where my brother was playing on the way home from the hub's family and saw my dad and my brother and picked up our gifts. It was nice to see my brother and my dad and we had a good time. Sad to pick up gifts and see them splotched with rain and torn from being heaped into a trunk when they should've been plucked from under a sparkling Christmas tree... but hopefully this is just this year.

My family expresses love through physical things and food so opening the gifts and seeing such thoughtful things felt really good. I even cried a little.

That said I feel like it's not okay for me to be sick or displeased with the treatment I receive and the little girl inside me felt like my mom was choosing my aunt over me. I totally get that she's actually really truly dying right now and I only might die maybe but it's such a deep, sucking sad feeling of abandonment to not have the nurturing relationship I so need from my mom. Ugh. No. No more...

That's all about that for now. I don't want to get too emotional, I'm already exhausted.



Had therapy, it was good. Talked about keeping toxic people like my sister and my mom out of my life while I gain some strength and work on personal boundaries. Talked about how the holidays weren't a disaster and I didn't do all that bad (though she wishes I had just walked out of the gift exchange instead of be miserable around my sister) and I'm supposed to stop thinking and focusing on my family so much, if I can help it. Shifting focus to something more positive, or getting better.

Also asked me about a New Year's Resolution. I said "I want ME back." Tall order. Gotta figure out what that is exactly before I go after it....

A video and a wellness update

This video brought me some joy today:



Those faces! They are like flying penguins or just more approachable than the pileated woodpeckers we have up here ;) Either way they make me a bit happy and that makes me grateful. I am also grateful for The Cornell Lab of Ornithology. Their bird cams rock and I love their newsletter, it helps me get back in touch with positive things that I love even when I stray.


My mood lately... it's been up and down though by "up" I mean still sad but functional and feeling a bit optimistic or normal, not really up, up or feeling better. The down has been awful. It doesn't seem as bad as a few weeks ago when it was day after day of feeling horrible but the off and on is pretty bad too, I never know what to do and always feel off balance.

I've shaken some of the sadness and I seem to be avoiding the crying spells, so I'm not quite as down as I was before but I have been tired and drained and overwhelmed, especially by Baby Bananaface. That was a huge part of what made Thursday so bad, was all the hurtful thoughts I had toward him because I just wasn't fit to parent. At therapy, I parked his stroller and ignored him. The therapist had to soothe him or entertain him, I was just checked out. I ended up driving around a lot to keep him asleep later.

Sadness and frustration over my parents was another bad part of Thursday for me. They cancelled day-of to do Zoolights with us, and while we had a great time I felt rejection and disappointment wash over me later. A part of me feels like my mother is punishing me for the issues with my sister, it's all in my head but I have this imaginary motivation for her actions that is linked to me not going to visit my sister or me saying I might not go to Christmas etc. etc. My therapist gently reminded me that working on boundaries may mean staying away from family until those boundaries are better developed, and I think she's right on.

Good grief.... what would it feel like to feel unconditionally loved by my parents? understood and accepted? I may never know, and in the mean time I have to take care of myself and say "screw what they think!" and go after what makes me feel better. ***

Anyways, wellness. I'm not well. I'm above water level but I'm not thriving. Things need to change, they need to change so I don't end up back in the hospital or hurting my baby or hurting myself. I need regular, scheduled childcare to give me relief and I need time to work on myself and take care of myself. I need care right now, not to ignore my needs and try to soldier through-that's not working. I think I'm coming around to understanding that more now!




*** I feel like my parents would say that they love me unconditionally and accept me but I don't feel that, I feel judged and as if I have to earn my affection . I don't think the fault lies only in them or me, I think it's a messed up party of sadness but it is so frustrating feeling like we speak different languages...

Unexpected Weekend

Unexpected weekend development early Sunday morning: I started barfing. I started barfing at 3 am and I barfed four more times before we went to urgent care and got me some anti-nausea meds that are delightfully fast acting and fleetingly tasty and then gritty and a tad too strong on the cherry flavor.

Barfing is one thing, but the constant nausea is what gets me. We are not sure what I did or what I ate but we don't believe it's the stomach flu and I very much hope that none of the boys get sick. I don't even want to fathom a barf filled crib especially when I feel so bad myself.

I am recovering and working back up to eating like a normal person though for now my diet is pretty restricted and just getting enough water is a challenge as I feel sick and don't want to eat or drink anything. My psychiatrist informed me that the dehydration from all the barfing and not drinking/eating probably threw my lithium levels off and concentrated it in my system = more nausea and tremors and confusion. Just a cherry on my cherry prescription and barf flavored sundae!

Oh, and of course I got the face mask walk-in clinic pictures! I know you were worried there for a sec ;)

Yes. A bit creepy.

The "barf bag" I didn't have to use but
pondered at how to open-it wasn't
as easy as I thought it should be!

 Therapy was good this morning even though I was having a hard time focusing. Basically, the goal is to back away from my family for a bit, build up my self-defense skills and validate my feelings and opinions so I can push back and protect my boundaries around my family when I return to the fray.

As such, our solo Christmas plans are just what the doctor therapist ordered and even though the hubs wanted to completely snub my family as far as Christmas gifts, I said we had to send a box of something and my therapist agreed. Not had to but it would be wise. Setting boundaries and stirring up shit ain't declaring all out war and being a total bitch just to be a bitch. Ya know? And they are my family and I love them, and in my family presents = love. Not the love I need lately but moving on....

Other end of last week/weekend developments:

Bored baby.

Seriously hoarder/dumpster diver neighbor
getting moved out (we think, or just reset?) by a slew
of people that could be family or otherwise. A little noisy
with them throwing junk off the balcony all day.
Days and days....

I "lost" my hat at the mall, or so I thought,
was very glad when I found it trapped in the collapsed
stroller in the trunk!

Ugh. Gonna try some dinner.

Slippery

Today I talked to the hubs about my fearful thoughts and had a moment of "good grief" as I reflected on how I've been feeling and living the past few weeks and just how shitty that has been. He sounded so concerned over my thoughts that it made me realize how "no bueno" they really are...

The thoughts being things like "lock the car, lock the car, the carjackers are right out there" or "cranky lady downstairs is gonna set a bomb in her apartment to blow us up up here." I'm having a hard time coming up with more examples but I think that illustrates the badness going on.

I'm also having memory problems. Which is usual for when my mood is poor and my anxiety is high, I simply don't retain what I usually do. The evening past? Poof. Remembering actresses names or events or dates from my past? Pfft. Basically my brain is fried and it's pretty understandable.

My week was rough. Low energy, super hard getting out of bed, resisting going to the gym or being in public, I drove around in my car for many hours, especially when the baby was sleeping, cried to myself on a variety of occasions and in therapy sessions, felt pissed off that drugs weren't helping and that I felt so poorly but also felt low and like giving up on the meds. My anger hardly ever burns long enough to spur much change or action, simply sucks in on itself and lights off self criticism or other negativity. Oh the habits of my brain....

It's crazy how this all slips my mind so often. I just write it off or don't notice just how hard I've been struggling. Slippery like that, this depression.



Got an email from my sister. Total crock of deluded shit. I am choosing not to reply.

Talked about my family and Christmas and everything with the therapist and since have been talking about maybe excluding my little family from my parents' Christmas. That last time I skipped out my mother didn't talk to me for three months. It scares me but at the same time I'm sick of the status quo and I'm sick of not standing up for my feelings and I'm more at a "I don't give a shit what anybody thinks or feel" place than I've ever been before....

I look in the mirror and see that I haven't become the woman I wanted to be and I don't want another quarter century to pass and miss out on being the me I have wanted to create. I see how my aunts and parents and relatives have lived for others in unhealthy ways, remained hollow, unrealized versions of themselves, and it breaks my heart and pisses me off. I want better than that for me, for the hubs, for Baby Bananaface... But damn is it hard to fight what has been laid before you.     I must.



In other news I got my blood drawn for my thyroid and lithium labs, so we'll see how that goes. Got a new chick, young little thing, nice though, and diligent. And she didn't sting me with the alcohol and the needle!

Now for the weekend. I know the hike we are planning will kick my butt but I am looking forward to getting out in the trees. Also have yoga plans for Sunday with the hubs, been years!



OH. I have had some tremors but am not sure if they are consistent enough to be.... validated? Ugh... I'm gonna go with it being a side effect of backing off my Seroquel and let it be for now.

UUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHH ME.

Why, yes! There is a shitton of Ben & Jerry's in the fridge.

Excuse me while I spoon away my sorrows ;)

...

Nah. Tea and Bengay is a better combo!

Going, Going, Going

I didn't want to get out of bed this morning but the hubs got me going and I just kept going to avoid feeling as much as I could. The feelings caught up with me at couples' therapy but for the rest of the day I just kept busy until dinner. I couldn't keep going anymore. I felt exhausted all of a sudden, angry, and in desperate need of a break. The hubs took Baby Bananaface to Costco and I got alone time.

I'm just.... I'm down. I don't want to do anything let alone taking care of a babe or keep up with appointments and gym classes, but I'm going through the motions. Going through the motions and wondering if any of the other yogis will notice that I'm tearing up or if the other sweaty pigs beside me on the treadmills will catch on to the fact that I'm miserable.

*big ole sighs*

Couples' therapy has been going well though I can't say that we are experiencing any immediate benefits. We keep up with our individual self care and this week we going to focus on asking how the other person is and listening and validating.

It is simple stuff but things are devolved to the point where we need to work on simple things and build up to the loving, supportive marriage we know that we can have. I'm quite internalized, isolated and shut down lately. I stopped replying or initiating our usual "I love you" farewells and being touched or hugged or kissed makes me feel very odd in a not so good way. The hubs is zipped up, avoiding talking about feelings or what is really going on. He's putting up a strong front trying to keep it all together while I'm ready to dissolved into a huge pile of goo and permanently adhere myself to the bed.

So. That's part of what is going on. I've also got therapy just for me going on twice a week. It's difficult with the baby along but I feel like we're doing better work than we have in a long time. It's very focused on coping strategies for right now, not dredging up the past or indulging in too may sob fests.

I feel overwhelmed and overworked but I look at my days and wonder why I complain or feel so bad. I know it's my bad mental programming putting myself down.... but it sure is hard tell myself that it's okay to feel this way and believe it.


In other news, we gave Fio a massive bone (well, for his miniature stature). At first we weren't sure if he could handle it but he's been gamely hauling the behemoth around and giving a corner of it his best shot with awkwardly angled nibbles. After he downed a smaller sized rawhide in one afternoon we knew we had to up the ante.

Also Fio related, I gave the baby a canister of stupid half-stale puffs to play with and while he wasn't interested in the puffs, Fio was! Baby Bananaface much preferred to nibble on the lid. I took this as the beginning of a long, mutually beneficial food disposing relationship!

Just for the record

Postpartum depression is...

Lying in bed, staring past your spouse to nowhere as you tell him about your suicidal thoughts and then being interrupted by a teething babe that can't sleep.

Slightly different from plain ole vanilla depression.


Life is sucking. Meds smeds. Stupid drugs. For some reason I want to blame them. Trying to get back into a healthy groove but as it is I've backslid into poor sleeping habits, bad eating habits, and dark thoughts. The sadness is notable this time. I haven't felt this sad and teary in a long time, maybe this is the saddest I've ever felt.... it just follows me everywhere just beneath the surface and occasionally wells up and overtakes me.

Therapy sessions twice a week, Monday and Thursday. See the psychiatrist Thursday as well. Couples therapy Wednesday. YMCA classes thrown in there too...

I'm so tired of carrying this burden. This mood crap makes the rest of life nearly impossible.

Trudging on.

Ugh.

Thinking of Linda and wishing her a fabulous birthday, I will check out the birthday blog post tomorrow! My meds are making my limbs anrsy at the moment and I gotta skedaddle to bed.

Forcing It

This week I've been getting up late, peeling myself out of bed very much against my will. I've also been staying active at the gym and on the trail but I'm not feeling the usual "up" feeling post-workout. It's disappointing. I'm usually someone that gets a little cheer from being active and now I feel like one of those "I have to workout but I hate it" types. I think it's the depression rather than some huge alteration of my personality.

The sadness has been lurking just beneath the surface again. I'm peeved at these medications that don't seem to be doing much for me yet make my limbs feel antsy and upset my stomach unless I eat a hearty snack at pill time which isn't fun since I have no appetite of late and have been forcing myself to eat. 

I've upped therapy to two visits a week, starting next week. For homework I'm supposed to be tapping into my anger and free writing to try and exorcise some of the tension and sadness that's been haunting me.

I'm struggling. I've been conditioned to hide my feelings, never to let loose, and now I desperately need to let loose these emotions that are turning rancid and eating me alive.

While I figure out how to force myself to express those feelings, I'm drinking some peppermint tea and popping an Ativan to try and conquer the nausea that has settled in-I think it's from anxiety over expressing my anger. Ugh.

Put me back in labor with B.B. instead of birthing these emotions! 

Sad that I didn't get out Wednesday this week, instead I went to couples therapy. Not exactly fun. We have an appointment this upcoming Wednesday too, but I think I can fit in an outing in the morning. 

The hubs and I have been in survival mode and some days we don't seem to talk at all unless it's "business." Since therapy we've played cards and consciously attempted to talk. It felt good. Still feels like we're both in our own worlds barely keeping afloat. 

Turned on the heaters first time, it's getting chilly but not unbearable yet, we just turn on the heaters for a little bit.

I'm babbling in blog form! Back to my tea. Happy Friday to everyone. 

Upping the Ante

1) Baby is taking his teething up a notch. Still don't seem to have any teeth pushing through but he's getting into some intense spells of fussiness.

He becomes clammy and inconsolable, thankfully nursing seems to work but then we have to deal with the spitting up! He enjoys groping our cool, empty cans of sparkling water but last night he cut himself (a little chink out of his finger, nothing major but some blood) so we have to figure out a new solution for him. It's soooooo stressful.

I feel like I'm barely managing as is and then to have this happen?! The poor hubster was losing hair too. I was worried about Baby getting teeth and nursing and my poor nipples, now I just want this to be over with!

2) Therapy was... different yesterday. It was upsetting but I'm ashamed to admit it because the only upsetting part was that I was off base on a self-analysis I had made earlier in the weekend. I had snapped at the hubs and said something bitchy and I thought it must've been because I was feeling insecure, like how a bully attacks other people because they feel bad about themselves, but after talking with my therapist it seems like I snapped because I was just overworked and tapped out.

It makes sense, it's reasonable, but for whatever reason not being right about something and then being reminded that I'm not hanging in there as well as I thought really brought me down. Somehow being made aware of my exhaustion made it weigh more on me and that evening I was cranky and tired and plodding. The hubster took the lead with baby care but I was still agitated and we were snippy and cranky with each other. Thankfully we were aware of this and able to work through it instead of marinating but it was a tiring evening!

3) It seems like Baby is getting dangerously close to crawling. I know it could be another few months so I'm not gonna get too worked up, but I'm already dreading the baby proofing and challenge of a mobile baby.

And Fio better watch his tail....

Poop Runaround, I'm Not Crazy, and Marshmallows

The Runaround

Yesterday was quite a day. It could've been a train wreck but somehow I bumbled my way through it without getting bowled over.

To kick off the day, Baby had a sleeper diaper. Sleeper as in first diaper of the morning but also as in "sleeper cell." I had no idea he was cheerfully sitting on a secret mother lode. I was unzipping his sleeper sack when I noticed a blotch of telltale orange and then found more... and more. After cleaning him up and stain sticking his sleeper (quite thoroughly) I retraced my steps to find where I had laid my poop-laden sleeper whilst being unaware of his hazardous cargo. I found little poo stains in his crib, in our bed, and on the blanket in his bassinet in our bedroom. Prolific this child!

I was already staring down the barrel of a crapton of laundry, but the morning's antics just upgraded it to shitton. Somewhat literally to boot. To top off the minor cluster I started my period all while having had slept in as long as I thought we could to still make therapy on time. Oy.

I managed to eat brekkie and make it to therapy, deciding to hit up the local latte stand (very friendly owners that always cheer me up) on the way instead of waiting to swap laundry. It was a pretty good session, I had a few rambles but actively tried to focus on quality discourse and made my way back on topic (with the therapist's help) much more than usual. I often get over-chatty not having had much socialization over the week!

I'm Not Crazy

During our session we talked a lot about motherhood and my parenting style, which is apparently pretty similar to "attachment parenting." I have been having a hard time coping with Baby's cries when I can't get to him before he cries or I can't comfort him (say, during car rides or when the hubbo has him and I'm occupied) and was worried that I was "over responsive."

She said no, that's not possible and it's actually very good that I'm so responsive. She explained that right now, before Baby has begun differentiating, he thinks that we are one, he and I as one being, so my responding to him isn't just building his trust in me it's building his self confidence. When I meet his needs and respond promptly he feels like he is meeting his own needs, building self reliance, esteem, and confidence. All things that we want! I'm not crazy!

I found this helpful not just for reassuring myself that I'm not an over-aggressive AP parent or over the top/helicopter type parent but also as a bridge of sorts to help bring the hubbo and I together in our parenting. He's been having a hard time understanding why I get so upset when Baby cries and why it's so difficult for me when he takes longer to respond to Baby's fussies. Now I feel like I have the tools to explain!

Marshmallows

Another therapy plus was a random discussion about my sister. It spawned from some worries I had about my mothers' visit, that she might bring up my blog and tell me to stop it for my sister's sake. A little "out there" since I'm not even sure my mom is aware of the blog but whatever...

I mentioned that my sister has seemed to threaten me about my blog a couple of times, like she would reveal my secret identity or something. Emotional honesty is pretty risque in my family, so I have tried to keep this blog mostly anonymous while maintaining the levels of disclosure I require for a therapeutic effect and genuineness but I think it still shows up when you blog my full name and look through the results somewhat thoroughly. Due to the content and needing to feel free to express myself, I've tried to keep this blog from my family (other than hubbo).

Well, a few times in certain family talks my sister will randomly say something about this blog. Something like "I know about that blog" combined with a challenging look that makes me freeze in fear. It's threatening! It's scary! I mentioned this in therapy and my therapist asked, "Well, is there any validity behind the threat? Is there anything dangerous in you blog?" and I quickly realized there wasn't. My sister was being an emotional terrorist!

The visual I came up with was marshmallows. In a way she was threatening to call the cops on me for having marshmallows in my pantry. I freak out thinking she has a case, but when I think about it... marshmallows are legal, I have nothing to fear! She's threatening to "out" me and my honest feelings which are considered "illegal" in my first family, but in reality, I have nothing to fear.


As I said, it could have been a doozey day, but I managed to keep a level head, stay fed, watered, and even keeled through all the laundry and baby care and emotional waves, so... yay me. I'm grateful and happy for a successful day, I needed it!

Why So Many Lies?

Feeling shitty today after therapy and dumping about my sister. We did manage to talk about some positive things and some improvements that I've made and can make but it wasn't a super satisfying session and coming home to a warm apartment, a bungled pizza pick up (I forgot the hubbo's soda), and a needy baby just ground me down...

So this afternoon I was marinating in negative feelings and felt myself starting to bemoan my situation, wondering "Why so many lies?" in my first family. It didn't take long for me to realize that it doesn't matter. It's a stupid question. Useless.

Sure, I could analyze everyone and everything and find the potential sources of whatever psychological issues my family may have but it doesn't get me anywhere. It may marginally improve my tolerance but the real issue is that I hurt. I hurt and I don't think I deserve to hurt and I don't want to hurt anymore.

My family can't provide the help or support or comfort that I need and I can't expect them to change any time soon... or ever. It's been over a quarter century, I think things are pretty set! But what I can do is manage my boundaries, create some distance, and take care of myself and the family I am starting with the hubster now.

For tonight I will try to bulk up the mental blockade against the stressors from my first family. I have a visual that usually helps quite a bit, I imagine blowing up a giant bubble around myself and then my room and then the entire condo and then the entire building, block, city etc. etc.

I need a safe zone and even if it's a lonely safe zone for the moment, I'd rather have an empty safe zone and be looking for good friends than just hanging out in a stressed, no holds barred, pressure cooker zone.

Baby steps.