Sensitivity & Parenting Styles

I've been having a hard time policing my thoughts of late. Increased stress and anxiety has increased my worry and rumination. Rehashing social interactions is a common worry magnet for me and any conflict that involves my family is a common pitfall as well.

The fireside talk with my parents and hubby replays in my mind often. I remember them dismissing my concerns, telling me that I don't have to worry about my nephew, and summing up the conflict as a difference in parenting styles. Not only was it invalidating, it was sad and reinforced my concerns for my nephew.

I know that there are different parenting styles. I know that there are different styles of loving, communicating, and living. I understand that and I also believe that those different styles fall along a spectrum spanning from healthy to unhealthy.

I think that there is no firm line between healthy and abusive-it's subjective. What scarred me for life may have left someone else with a lasting, loving relationship with their family; maybe spurred them on to great achievements and success. I was not so lucky. I don't think my nephew will be so lucky. Maybe things will change directions for him (I hope they do) in the meantime, I do not thing my opinions are unfounded or simply "differences in parenting styles."

BB enjoys accessories! Including random
barrettes found in the hair salon toy box.

All that has been rattling around in my head and heart. I've also been questioning how I parent and what type of parent I am. I've thought about this all before, it's just more nagging lately. Months and months ago, I had decided it was one of those "life's mysteries" that can't quite ever be completely explained and decided to stop worrying about it. Lately, my parents' words have burrowed under my skin.

Am I too sensitive? Am I too "easy" on Baby Bananaface? Should I be more strict? Should I be drilling him on words and shapes? Should I draw a line when it comes to neatly eating instead of letting BB "get all up in it?" Do I come off "hippie dippy" or "laissez-faire?" Is he gonna turn out to be overly sensitive and unmotivated?

Let BB have a cakepop the other day and
rocked his world! Use change (like that nickle)
to distract him and keep him focused while
out and about :o)

I don't think so.

Being around my family has shaken my footing. I think the hubster and I have made specific parenting choices that are quite different from my family's. So what kind of parent am I? What's my style?

I'm patient. I'm kind. I am gentle whenever possible and firm when necessary. I give BB room to explore. I am strict when he needs to be reined in. I distract instead of discipline whenever I can. I try very hard to not take my frustration out on him. I try very hard to stay in the now. Often, I let him lead. Sometimes, I show him the way.

I don't know how he'll turn out. I know he'll have struggles. I know I'm not perfect. Every child is different and what (I think) works for him may not work for others. I think I strike a balance between what he needs and what I can give. I didn't gain a lot of self-assurance from my childhood and I want to try and give that to BB. I'm trying to do that the best way I know how.

Another outfit BB put together himself.
I don't put much effort in "styling"  him myself.

What kind of parent am I? What's my style?

I'm a good parent. I'm loving. I'm sensitive. I'm dedicated.

My style is VERY different from my family!


So that's a peep into some of my pondering of late :o)

Thoughtful Thursday Moment

I was browsin' ye olde internet the other day and I read this on Marisa Tomei's Wikipedia page: Tomei said in 2009, "I'm not that big a fan of marriage as an institution, and I don't know why women need to have children to be seen as complete human beings."

It really resonated with me and got me thinking.

At CrossFit I had a conversation with another gal about kids. She just had her 2nd a few months ago and she was asking me about how my tubal ligation procedure went and how bad it felt. Apparently she's ready to stop. Two is enough. Her husband is saying no, he wants two more.

It was an interesting peek into the relationship dynamics of another couple. She revealed a dose of sass and some anger that seemed a bit surprising. Don't get me wrong, I never thought she was a completely placid woman, she just tends to carry herself in a rather meek fashion. Like me, she's skeptical of her abilities in class and tends to underestimate herself. She tends to be quiet and seems the type to avoid conflict.

Anywho. Hearing her talk about these feelings and feeling the frustration in her voice as she talked about her husband... it stirred something in my brain, hell, in my heart and soul too. 

ASIDE: Not so much in regards to my relationship with the hubster-we've almost always been on the same page with reproductive issues and he is very respectful of my rights. Even with the hubster, there are times when I have to point out where the line is-where my rights end and begin. I suppose that can be a challenge with any type of right or philosophical concept. It seems to me that it's much more easily forgotten when it comes to women or minorities and so forth.

Having a woman choose how many kids she wants to have all on her own? Inconceivable. (Pun intended)

I feel like there's stigma in the first world about women's reproductive choice on such a wide spectrum (in or out of marriage)-not to mention all the places around the world where women don't have a say at all... there's so much to say about it my brain is shorting out! I think just putting this here is enough for now.


Thoughts? Feelings? Experiences? 

My Husband, His Father

Couldn't have dreamed of a better father for my son.... here's some random shots from the past couple years :o)

The hubster finding out we're preggers...

Father & son at baby's first checkup 

I'm sure there are gonna be lots of these types of shots! #chillax

WOWZA

First, some Baby Bananaface updates:

Family resemblance, or what? Was sorting
through some old photos in my closet and
found this shot from my baby years...

He really wanted to go outside.
So he "got dressed."

And for the WOWZA-Y moment of my yesterday. More discoveries from my closet...

I knew that I had been 250 lbs during pregnancy and I just wasn't sure if I had been before that. I was pretty sure. Whenever I asked the hubby he was evasive and wouldn't confirm anything.

Well, while I was cleaning out my closet I found stashes of old clothes. My maternity was altogether and then there was a different box. This box gave me my WOWZA moment of the afternoon.

I was shocked. I've lost so much weight!

 Once I found these pants the hubbo couldn't deny it anymore.

He said during a particularly bad depressive episode I 

topped out at 250 lbs. We still hiked and such and I found

a slew of 20/22 sized pants and XL shirts that I had forgotten.

I could actually fit both my legs down one leg
of the pants! It was so... shocking! I just didn't
remember! Such a weird feeling.

Also shocking was a bikini and teeny cover up that I found... apparently when I was lighter and just out of college (during my trip to Iceland) I decided I wanted to "feel European" and dare to wear a bikini to the hot springs. I'm not sure if I was more shocked by this discovery or the pants! Lots of disbelief both ways.

I know that I've lost a ton of weight in the last year or so-about 45 lbs. I didn't really count my pregnancy weight as my top weight before-though now that I know I was 250 lbs or more before that it makes me think of my total weight loss more like 75 lbs. That wasn't all in one go, so I wouldn't say that in conversation. Just for myself it feels good. Reminds me of what I can do. Not to mention surviving that depression... ANYWHO.

So. That is a bit of what I've been up to lately. Lots of jaw-dropping and loads of stuff to haul off to Goodwill.

We've been especially motivated to cut down since we decided to move in June when our lease is up. Going south toward cheaper rents. It means a major commute for the hubbo. We're thinking it's just about the only way to get things back on track since my PPD hurricane and all that financial fallout.

More on that later! In the meantime, happy spring and happy weekend :o)

Hiking with Baby Bananaface

It was muddy, it was cold, it was messy, it was bold!

We let BB take the lead and on the way back we found an adorable squirrel!

Baby Bananaface's Pre- Birthday Celebration

We were down at my folks' this weekend to celebrate Baby Bananaface's
birthday (it's on Monday so we celebrated Saturday).

He had a great time eating the raspberry filled chocolate fudge and I made
him and playing with the balloons Mom got him and he actually enjoyed
opening gifts!

We went to a children's museum and he had a blast. Was a little tough
getting him inside from the outdoor area but he was easy to distract from
his tantrum in a place like that.

Enjoy the random pics from throughout our day. He insisted on wearing his
galoshes and big hat, it was so cute!

I hope to post again tomorrow or Tuesday.

Happy weekend!

Cuteness!

This afternoon I picked up Baby Bananaface from daycare like the usual, but we had a special moment of uber cuteness...

He seemed to be looking across the street so I followed his gaze and saw a fluffy, labrador-sized, blonde dog hanging out in a fenced yard.

BB babbled, "Da, da," and continued to point.

"Yes! Dog!" I encouraged and smiled.

I whistled at the dog and it came to the fence and looked at us-even barked at us! BB responded with a big smile and more pointing. I asked him to wave hello to the dog and he did! More pointing, smiling, "Da, da," and joy followed. We even made "woof, woof" sounds to the dog.

It was a wonderful moment :o)




In other news, I've been doing chores around the house, preparing for my class to start on Monday, and hitting up the gym for my regular classes and some new ones. I'm trying to push myself a little more at the gym and it feels really good to get those sore muscles going again. It also feels good to be cooking for my hubby and baby, getting back on top of my household chores, and making the most of my days.

One step at a time sure gets ya places, I tell ya what!

"It's Official" & Some Baby Bananaface Pics

Whew. Had to stay up late and get up early so I was sleep deprived enough for my EEG test this morning and it's made things a bit more challenging today, that's for sure! Somehow I'm still awake and I wanted to blog since I'll be on the road and busy with a family gift exchange tomorrow...

Anywho. This morning I did the MRI and EEG before meeting with my neurologist. He reviewed the results and said that my MRI was normal-even saying that my hippocampi are in great shape considering my chronic mental health conditions. So that was good!

Unfortunately, my EEG was not so normal. He says it's official that I have a right temporal lobe originating seizure disorder (or something like that, my hearing isn't the best and it was a lot of words strung together!).

The good news is that it isn't anything super rare and it's usually easily controlled by meds and won't necessarily disrupt my life. The medication he prescribed happens to also function as a mood stabilizer (I tried it out earlier this year or last year, I can't remember-it didn't work then but my psychiatrist thinks we have a shot at it working better this time since I'm not in such a deep depressive hole) and we're sure hoping that it kills two birds with one stone!

So that's the news! It's a bit of shock but with everything I've been through lately it doesn't seem to rattle me as much as I thought it might... I guess being aware of how much danger I was in when my depression was much worse makes something like these seizures and a new disorder seem a little less threatening or scary?

In other, more jolly news, I've been listening to Baby Bananaface a little more intently lately and observing what words he seems to have. I'm happy to report instances of garbled "Thank you" and "Please," even "Love you!" He's pretty good at "Buh-bye" and "Momma," too. :o) He got a new haircut and looks so much older and listening to his "talking" is such a sweet thing... I so look forward to meeting the man he's gonna be and watching him grow up <3

November is Here

November is here and I'm adjusting to life without multiple TMS treatments down in Seattle each week. I've had my regular gym classes, which are good and I enjoy, but filling my afternoons is still a standing challenge. I've been able to cope relatively well but I think I appreciate a little more now how important it is for me to stay busy!

Speaking of staying occupied, I hope to be taking an online course or two through my local community college this winter quarter and, an important step on that path, I received my student ID number this week! Woo!

I am getting geared up for registration although I'm a little frustrated that class doesn't begin until January. I think I will have decent hours doing ornaments this month and partway through December but I am worried about staying busy... the empty time can be dangerous for me but I am working on my bad mental habits and I know that I will continue to improve as long as I keep trying.

Sheesh, if worrying were more enjoyable I could easily stay busy doing that! *pfft* *grumble* *wince*

In other news, I've been trying to participate in cooking meals more as well as help with Baby Bananaface more. The cooking can be frustrating because my memory is still rebounding from the ECT and sometimes I know that I've cooked a recipe a zillion times but I just can't remember quite how things go. Guess there's something to be said for experiencing something like new again, eh?

As for helping with BB, it's stressful but I've been pretty good about acknowledging and coping with the anxiety it brings up which helps calm me down so I can stick to the present moment and just do my best. There has been so much time when I've felt completely incapable of any parenting and been easily triggered by the stress of a small child that my anxiety can be far worse than the actual tasks at hand. Baby steps. I was able to go out and about with BB solo and give him a bath solo within the past week-big accomplishments!

This morning I hit the treadmill and did a cycle class and this afternoon I'm volunteering at the blood bank. There have been blue skies and sunshine and I am very much enjoying it. The grey was definitely start to get to me!

Anyways. That's some of what's up. I hope y'all are finishing out the week strong and that sunshine finds you too <3

School Picks and Hard Licks

So Baby Bananaface had "school picks" at daycare last week and I thought y'all might appreciate a sneak peak. There are three different poses and he's pretty stoic in all of them (hubster is pretty stoked about that bit, "my little soldier" he said, whatever that means!) and you can sure see that curl in his hair, wow-ee.

The quality is pretty poor but that's all I got at the moment. You get the idea :o)

In other news I'm still battling some dark thoughts and sadness. Actually shed a few tears this afternoon and that was nice just to get some of the heavy feelings off my chest. Been feeling discouraged about this never-ending battle against these bad moods and panics and all the negatives, struggling to remember the positives about life and the reasons for living and fighting the darkness but I'm getting back to that and trying to keep up the battle.

Still trying, one moment at a time!

Happy Weekend everyone <3

I can't decide...

I have noticed a lack of pictures on my phone as far as Baby Bananaface is concerned and so tonight I took the opportunity to snap some photos while he was looking particularly relaxed and cute. Unfortunately, I cannot decide which photo I like best... Perhaps y'all can help me decide? They are each just a little different but all have smiles and Bubba chillaxing in his diaper with his afternoon milk and binky :o)

Vote for your favorite in the comments!

#1

#2

#3

I also cannot decide exactly what I'm so anxious about this afternoon/evening, but unfortunately I am anxious. I think it has something to do with the plans I have with my mom and sister tomorrow to go to a festival that we used to go to with my Aunt Sally. Having a pending activity/plans that violate my routine gets me anxious and I think the memories stirred up around Aunt Sally and my continued grieving is also mixed up into the mess of emotions.

I've been able to cope pretty well without meds so far, a little bit of an angry outburst and some discomfort but overall I've been using my DBT skills and taking care of myself pretty well, but boy howdy, these geysers of emotion erupt from time to time and give me little frights! It's usually a geyser of fear or anxiety but sometimes it's just extreme sadness or sensitivity and the sensation stops me in my steps, takes my breath away, and gives me a healthy dose of fear and doubt about whether or not I can handle the emotion or potential panic attack. Thankfully telling myself that these are feelings or thoughts and that they will pass has helped and I haven't succumbed to any panic attacks or losing myself in grief or other intense emotions today, but it's uncomfortable and draining.

Anyways. That's part of what's going on with me while I cope with these symptoms tonight. Been having a lot of days and nights like this lately and thought I'd give you a little glimpse!

In other news, we had a cloudy, rainy day here in the Pacific Northwest and it was lovely. I got to sip some coffee, watch the clouds, and read out on the porch and even enjoyed walking through some rain showers. A lot of people have been excited about the hot weather we've had this spring and early summer so far but I have savored this cooler bout much more than any of those record breaking heat wave days.



Hoping all you blogging buddies are well and sending affection and happiness. Thanks for reading and commenting. I really appreciate this internet community and refuge, especially on these challenging days :o)

Fear

I went on a walk a couple weeks ago with the lady I work for personalizing ornaments during the holidays and we were talking about my postpartum struggles when she said something along the lines of, "In all honesty, if I were you I would never consider having more children because of all the challenges you've gone through postpartum, it's just too scary."

I appreciated her honesty, not everyone would be willing to state their opinion like that, but it's also worn on my soul and since our walk I've reflected more on the risks posed by subsequent pregnancies. I used to be so grateful for my pregnancy and birth experience that it overwhelmed any of the negatives presented by postpartum situations but now the pain and the fear of my condition is overwhelming my wonder at the miracle of motherhood.

Today at the gym I saw a couple pregnant ladies and instead of feeling jealous at the sight of their baby bumps I felt fear. Today I imagined myself in labor again and I imagined myself in a place of fear, not power. These are sad shifts in perspective for me and while I'm not able to say for certain that I will never consider having another child of my own I can say that the idea has seriously entered my conscious and will be seriously considered.

I'm not pressuring myself to make any decisions but these feelings are certainly worth noting. I know that having kids is a decision for me and the hubster to make together and that it's not a decision to be made hastily or out of fear and it's also something that we're not under a time crunch to decide so I don't even need to worry about this right now!

Just wanted to cast some light on my fear, bring my sadness into the light, drag my ruminating thoughts into plain view... hopefully I can let this go for a while and focus on getting better and my "now" instead of maybes and the future.

*deep breaths* One thing at a time :o)

Sometimes Progress is Messy

Today Baby Bananaface and the hubster were home. They were home Friday as well because of some good ole diarrhea being shared around daycare... anyways, this change up has been difficult for me. I've been spending more time than usual around BB and my resilience and tolerance for the extra stress is not very high at the moment.

Today I hit the wall.

The hubster had a dentist appointment at 2:00 PM today and I began worrying about my ability to watch BB all by myself during his appointment very early on in my day. As the day wore on I found myself having flashes of hurting BB or myself, my worries about the afternoon appointment getting worse. I began grinding my teeth and feeling my body tense as the anxiety became worse and worse. I was barely functional but holding on, hiding my true state, hiding just how far gone I was from the hubster,  trying to be "better" than I was.

Well eventually I fessed up. I told the hubster how I afraid of being alone with BB and didn't feel up to taking care of the baby while he was at the dentist's and I ended up having some alone time with some cold therapy, propping my feet up and clearing my mind while an anti-anxiety tablet took effect. Hubster took care of complaining BB and got him down for a nap.

I feel disappointed in myself in some ways but as the hubster so wonderfully explained, it's a good thing that I fess up and tell him when I'm at my limit and it's a bad thing being dishonest and hiding my symptoms and trying to pass everything off as "okay" because that's how I get into really serious situations and trouble.

I couldn't do it today. I just couldn't take anymore. That's okay. I hit the wall and then I took care of myself and taking care of myself, acknowledging when I need help, when I need to tap out, that's a big step. That's seeing the darkness, that's embracing the light, that's being willing to live this life in a kind and caring way... that's succeeding.

So even though I failed today-the hubster had to reschedule his dental appointment entirely-I also had a little success in getting help when I needed it and I think I will take that as the bigger note for today. I succeeded at failing and that feels pretty confusing but I think it feels good overall.

Patting myself on the back and trying to avoid shaking fingers and beating myself up! Baby steps again ;o)

M is for Motherhood #atozchallenge

This post is part of my first year doing the A to Z Challenge and I happen to be writing under the theme Gratitude: The Things That Keep Me Alive. This is a relevant theme for me as I am struggling with postpartum depression, and also have diagnosed anxiety and bipolar II (just to let you know what's going on with me-it might be pertinent as you read the post below). Thank you for stopping by and reading my post!

M is for motherhood because I am grateful to be able to experience motherhood. I am very proud and enjoy so many moments with Baby Bananaface that are very personal and specific to being his momma. This is a complicated post for me because I'm still struggling to believe and internalize the belief that he needs me around and that he is worth living for and that I matter very much in his life (I tend to believe I'm dispensable and replaceable-one of things I'm working to change in DBT!), but I will try to stay positive.

When I think of giving birth to Baby Bananaface I am so proud and grateful. When I see him and how handsome and healthy and happy he is, I am so proud and grateful. When I experience private, joyous family moments with BB and my husband I am so proud and happy and grateful. There are so many perks to motherhood that carry such amazing glory. 

I know that after BB was born was when I really came face to face with my worst mental health problems but before he was even conceived, before I ever met the hubster, I wondered if I would ever be a mother. Not just because of my mental health but because of self worth issues and having such low self esteem that off and on throughout my life I doubted if I would ever have a family of my own. 

When you've been that low and so skeptical of ever achieving something and then you find yourself not only married to a wonderful man but experiencing motherhood, something you thought you'd never gain in your lifetime, it's an amazing feeling of deep, deep appreciation and gratitude. 

I know it sounds dramatic, but it seems to fall in the family of someone born without legs being able to walk or someone that was born blind being able to see. It's sometimes baffling, sometimes scary, sometimes overwhelming, and maybe sometimes you might not be sure you really even want it to be true but it always seems to come back to, "Wow. I am so incredibly blessed and grateful to have this opportunity and I really don't want to mess it up." At least for me. :o)

A big responsibility, a big challenge, but for grand rewards.

Growin' & Jokin'

Baby Bananaface is growin' up. I suppose being hospitalized and all the ECT and healthcare issues have made the time fly by extra fast for me but it just seems like all of a sudden he's a toddler! We felt something prickly on his legs and wouldn't ya know it, he's growing leg hairs now. Never ever occurred to me to think of discovering body hair as an "awwww, my baby is growin' up" moment but there it is.

The biggest perk is his feeding himself. It's cute to watch (until the "I'm gonna rub this into my eyebrows" stage occurs) and so nice to have us share a family meal instead of me eating, the hubs feeding the baby, me cleaning the baby then the hubs eating and.... well, you get the picture. We all eat together now.

Of course, I will share some pics of his cuteness :)

"Momma, what're you doin?"

"No seriously, what're you doing?"

"Oh Momma, you're so silly!"

He's also doing vroom noises when we play cars, which I find impressive. It blows my mind that he's mimicking like that when he was just a larva lump a little over a year ago!

PS The hubs just pulled one over on me pretty well, it was hilarious. He was sitting behind his lappy as we're eating lunch and said, "Whoa."

I asked, "What? What is it?" Watching his eyes scan the computer screen, assuming his was reading some breaking Google news about some minor disaster.

"Trump was arrested."

"WHAT!? For real?!"

"Yeah. Federal indictment for Trump University, no bail." He replied with an overjoyed smile.

I stared at his face and felt befuddled, disbelieving but amused and hopeful. Then I said, "It's like living in a movie."

"Hahaha!" He laughed, "I was kidding. I made the whole thing up."

Stunned silence. 

He explained his goofy ruse and then I asked what his original "Whoa" had been from but he said nothing, it has all been fake right from that first exclamation he made that was so convincing! 

This guy tickles me, hahaha, gosh I love him.  :o)

Seeking Wisdom and a Reality Check

Saw my bastard nephew yesterday (I mean technically, it's true, not to mention he's one whiny, tough nut of a baby).

He's ugly. He's got a biggest pumpkin, blue ribbon at the fair type of head and never smiles and just doesn't seem "right" and the hubs and I are worried something is off there. Maybe our baby was just a stellar deal and this kid is just toward the other end of the spectrum?

Anyways. I tried to connect. I fed him his bottle, I lugged him around IKEA in a ring sling trying to soothe him (big ole head, drool, complaining nearly the entire time, it was not a great aunt-to-nephew bonding moment.)

At first I thought, "Oh my gawd. It's only been a year and I've already lost my momma skills;" but the hubster reassured me that it wasn't my fault, this baby is just a case!

So here's the pickle.... I want to be a good aunt. I don't want to resent this child, I don't want to resent my sister, I want to be able to function as a member of my own family, even if that family is a bit.... dysfunctional.

How can I reframe this? I have a tendency to worry so "the ugly duckling" storyline doesn't help much. Just too much left to faith and chance there. This kid's head is so ginormous he's not even fun to cuddle, it's either bearing down on your arm making it hurt cuz it's so heavy or making him loll around like a reverse weeble-wobble thingamajig.

Part of the issue is I had this weird thought when she was pregnant that the baby would be ugly because he was born out of wedlock. This coming from the proclaimed atheist that is somehow still influenced by religious pressures and beliefs. Oy. It's just so confusing and frustrating!

I guess this is all coming up because A) saw The Nephew at IKEA and B) gonna see him and my family and my sister today for Easter-not-on-Easter.

I feel sort of bad for having these thoughts and feelings but then I feel glad that I can own up to them and get them off my chest. My dad admitted that this child is never really happy and complains and whines and cries and fusses a lot. He also admitted that the kiddo's head is impressively large but didn't quite commit to, "boy howdy that kid is ugly!."

SO. That is one of my life challenges lately. I want to be a good aunt. I want to feel affection and love and connection with my family, but it's just not there in some cases...

Any thoughts? advice? wisdom? stories? I feel like I'm in the wrong but also feel like, "yay for you, embracing some feelings!"

Life. Is. Complicated. And. Messy.

*insert ookey feelings here*

Linda! That quote is so helpful and reassuring! Thank you for posting this: Please don't keep all your feelings pent up inside of you.  Sometimes you need a good cry.  Even if you don't know exactly why you're crying.  It's okay not to be okay.  But it's not okay to give up.

Fwd: When camels attack!

"When Camels Attack!" a photo essay by Hubster himself.

Check out this mural!

Well, online I mean.

A must if you're a bird lover and there are factoids and recordings and bonus tidbits if you click on the birds! Much fun. I enjoyed it.

Also like allaboutbirds.org, great resource!


As far as life goes...

Baby is sick. No temperature but TONS of boogers and TONS of tears and TONS of shrieking. It sucks. I can handle a bit of it but then I'm totally off the rez and have to isolate to recoup.

and

I'm achy. I was just lying down covered in heating pads trying to untense my body and settle my mind and instead I had some sort of unsettling panic attack. There was even this creepy smell that came over me as my mind collapsed (it's happened before)... it was so scary and sad and frustrating but at least I was able to tell myself "I'm okay. I'm safe. I'm okay. I'm safe" out loud and I just kept repeating it until I was strong enough to look around, see that I was safe and eventually get out of bed.

Today was up and then down. The hubs, babe, me, and the dog took a long walk this morning and it was  mostly good except for the fact that I got to thinking about everything that has gone on and it was saddening. I felt feisty at first, "hey, look what I've accomplished, I survived, etc.," but then the crying baby got to be too much and then the hen-pecking hubby pushed me over the edge. I was a yelling, cussing, pained bitch but anyways.... the everything.

I remember years ago being hauled away in the back of a cop car, spending the night in a crisis center. I remember therapy and therapy and therapy. I remember spending nearly two weeks inpatient and then working through an outpatient program. I'm aware that I don't remember all the meds that I've tried, I just know it's a lot (in my book at least). I remember spending over two weeks in inpatient and getting ECT and then spending weeks doing ECT outpatient and all the nausea and pain and impatience as I waited for the depression to leave me and never quite getting satisfaction. I remember self-harming. Crying. Screaming. Wrist-banging. I remember hugging and clinging and long talks and tears and sighs and relief. I remember confusion... that hasn't changed much!

As I feel myself edging toward the light, having more good days, but still struggling to leave the darkness behind, I feel hope and excitement but I also feel fear. I'm so afraid of backsliding, or of the madness returning full force at some point further down the road. I feel haunted, cursed, broken. Not so good!

Anyways. I need to do something else. Maybe I'll browse the mural again, maybe I'll watch TV, maybe I'll just rock myself for a little bit.

Wishing easier nights (or days) for those reading.

Keep keeping on.

This day so far... (and notes from last night)

I have been feeling UP!

Since doing the dishes hasn't happened in I don't know how long (I didn't even remember where the cutting boards went) and since doing any housework is an uber-achievement for me, I wanted to post these pics :)

And because I'm feeling jazzy I wanna add these just for kicks!

Happens to be my new profile pic as well-
that hasn't changed in YEARS!

Reminds me of Elvis.
Don't know if it's the belly and arm rolls
or the shades and 'tude. 

Runner-up for profile pic... or should it be #1?

Doodles.

Also wanted to post this funny pic of the hubs from last night.

I was texting (group texting) with my mom and sister (we're having a streak of "togetherness") and they text these weird cartoons that look like themselves and they were "text streaking" as I called it and then I posted a pic with a cartoon that looked like me (manual) so I could "text streak" back and then the whole I saw my grandmother naked 2-3 times while she was alive thing came up AGAIN. I catch flack and get teased about that way too much. In my personal opinion.  

I texted this back with "Take that." and did my
sassiest fishlips.

But anyways, I mentioned that family history to the hubs  while he was eating and he was very upset, making this face and saying "dude, my mouth was full." So that's what that picture is all about. :o)

Caring Thoughts, Nice Read

Really related to this article and if there are any other bipolar ladies in the pregnancy arena they might appreciate it too?

My pregnancy went pretty well, no meds or major issues that I recall, but this postpartum. Sheesh. If only I'd been better prepared. If that would've even helped! I'm not sure!

Thinking of everyone and hoping they are well.

Be strong.