My Birthday! (yep, it's a long post)

My birthday was yesterday and went pretty dang well, I must say. It was a busy day, but a happy day!


I started off my day at the gym, like usual. I took a class from one of the instructors I had given a card to and was a little anxious about what her reaction might be. She wished me happy birthday and then later on in class she sidled up to me and said, "By the way, your card was amazing."

She went on to say that her son saw the picture I drew and said it was so good they should frame it. She mentioned how much it meant to her and how sweet it was of me. We chatted a bit more and I felt really good and relieved that my card had been well received!

At the end of class she came up to me again and handed me an envelope. "I totally had this before you even gave me your card, I swear!" I opened it and saw a lot of writing so I decided to wait and read it in my car.

The message was so sweet. She mentioned how happy she was for me and how she was so proud of all the progress I've made and just amazed at how far I've come and what I've been through (I had shared my story with her before, so she knows about the whole twisted tale). She went on to say that she hoped I had a wonderful birthday and that she hopes to be around for my next birthday to see just how far I go this year.



I went home and relaxed a bit. Took a bit of extra time to pick out a "nice" outfit, do my hair, even put on makeup! I had class that afternoon and right before I worked up my courage to write a Facebook post that I had been contemplating... It included a selfie and blurb about what this birthday means to me as well as a thank you to any friends, family, providers, instructors, etc. that I hadn't thanked yet. It was a bit scary but felt so good (since then it has been well received so I feel relieved and encouraged!).

I picked up Baby Bananaface and we headed to the hubster's office. I had picked up chocolates as a Valentine's Day surprise and haphazardly hid them around his office (I also hid some around his morning routine route, he had to find 14 little individually wrapped chocolates all together).

We continued on south and met my parents, my sister, and my nephew for dinner. My brother couldn't make it but it did send along a card and that meant a lot to me. I made sure to say a formal thanks to my family for all that they've done to help me make it to my birthday. My mom and I cried but it was a good cry!

One of the highlights of the dinner was playing Soundball while we waited for the check. It is a game I learned at DBT and entails throwing an invisible ball to random people in the group-but that's not all. Before someone throws the ball, they have to repeat the sound that the person throwing it to them made up. Then they have to make up their own silly sound for the next person to repeat.

Things got serious. Lemme tell ya! We were laughing til we had tears in our eyes! Some of the noises were quite challenging and odd. By the end of it we weren't even doing the ball-throwing motion, but including our own random movements for the next person to mimic along with the goofy sounds! It was really fun and I really enjoyed myself.



The hubster and I a rather interesting conversation on the way home from dinner. My mom had made a comment at dinner that I'm "a completely different person" now and it made me wonder, who am I really? What was I before if not myself?

The hubby, as usual, seemed to have an answer without even needing time to mull it over.

He said something along the lines of, "I think you were repressed before. It was more than just the depression and anxiety being out of control. You weren't able to be yourself, your true self, for a long time."

This stirred my mental pot further. I was confused and concerned about how bubbly and energetic and social I've been. Maybe my birthday thank yous mission and cards were creepy or over-dramatic. I wondered aloud, "What if this isn't really me and I'm actually hypomanic right now?"

"Ahh. Well that's a good point. I think, though, that if you were hypomanic you'd be having sleep issues. You'd be more focused on big to-do lists and pursuing lots of projects and overextending yourself. You would have lost focus on what's important, what's healthy."

"So maybe, I'm not being hypomanic, I'm just not quite comfortable with me being... me yet? Like it's still unfamiliar and feels unsafe? That would make sense." I smiled and then frowned with further concerns. "But wait, if I wasn't me before, why would you have married me? Was I just depressed and awful all the time? How could you know the real me if I wasn't the real me?"

He laughed and smirked in his special way, patting me on the leg. "Because the good times were amazing. When we met, you were doing well. You'd talk about fun little chats and moments with the customers at the bank you worked at all the time. You gave me notes and doodles and little surprises. Sure, when the bad times came you were different, but I always knew the good side-the real you-that was underneath. It's been there all along."



It's all still confusing and a bit "who's on first" to me, but that chat felt really good and helped clear a lot of things up. I've still got a ways to go when it comes to accepting myself and building the confidence that will help me maintain my stability and life a successfully happy and healthy life, but I'm headed in the right direction. Day-by-day I'll get there.

It makes me cry thinking about how long he's been there for me. Recognizing and appreciating just how much he's helped me through, how he's stood by side and believed through it all that we'd find the real me through all that darkness. His faith and strength and resolve is stunning.

He's taught me so much about what love really is and I look forward to learning even more together. I really can't ask for anything more. He is my hero and so much more than I ever imagined a husband could be. Nobody's perfect, but I think we're perfect together and that's all that matters.


Thank you for all the birthday wishes :o)

Happy Valentines Day everybody :o)

Reflection

I've been concentrating a lot on focusing my attention on the now and participating fully in the moment to help maintain my mood and well-being through the tumultuous holiday rush, but as New Year's nears I find myself looking back...

It's been quite a year. 2016 wasn't an easy one, that's for sure!

**I've plugged in some random photo highlights that may or may not correlate to my text, but I hope you enjoy them!

Thinking back to last January, I was in the hospital. According to my blog I went to my aunt's memorial, but I can't remember because of all the ECT treatments. For a good chunk of time I was doing so much ECT that I wasn't allowed to drive.

For a big part of the year I wasn't able to be alone with Baby Bananaface. It was too overwhelming or didn't feel safe.

For a while the hubster confiscated my tweezers because I was having a hard time controlling my urges to self harm.

In the spring I tried to kill myself.

Another chunk of my year was dedicated to TMS treatments multiple times a week. Throughout it all I've been on and off more drugs than I can name trying to find a mood stabilizer that'll work for me. To top it off I had those seizures and got diagnosed with a seizure disorder and got a prescription goin' for that...

There's been a lot between those headliners, including countless tears and hugs and kisses and fears shared between me and the hubster. Nights and days where I didn't feel safe. When I wasn't sure if I'd make it to the next day. When I didn't believe that I could ever find happiness or stability again.

Thankfully, things are changing. I have come far enough now that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have hope again. I'm still working on the confidence part but my faith is certainly growing and despite the hiccups along the way I haven't given up.

So much has changed... I've come so far this year.

I'm driving again-even taking BB to and from daycare. I'm making meals and able to safely use my tweezers. I'm socializing and going to the gym nearly everyday. I'm even thinking about finding part-time work soon.

I've felt like a failure. I've felt broken. I've felt hopeless. More and more I'm feeling hopeful. I'm feeling strong. I'm feeling proud. I am surviving.

I'm glad to put this year behind me and I hope to have more positive memories to stir up this time next year :o)

Don't really remember doing resolutions much but I think I will be concentrating on keeping up with maintaining my health and moving forward.

I wish everyone a wonderful 2017 and thank you all for sharing 2016 with me.

Lastly, let's hear a big cheer for baby steps! Hoorah!

Words for Wednesday

It's "Words for Wednesday" and I'm going to give another go :o) 

I got the prompts from Elephant's Child due to unfortunate circumstances as another blogger that was going to provide prompts had a stroke and can't participate. Please send healing thoughts to Jacqueline AKA The Cranky. Hopefully she will return some day.

I was able to use all but one of the prompt words in my writing this week. It's a personal, non-fiction blurb. I suppose a "musing" is a good way to put it? Not sure what to call it, but I wrote something and that's all that matters!

This week's prompts are:

noble
shine
expressive
charm
odd
biggest

And/or

passion
actuality
top
jar
elevator
angel

---

I ended up with a BA in English Literature after embracing the concept of living a life of passion. I was in college, working part-time at a bank, doing a lot of yoga, and my biggest problem was a sideways romance. With the help of armloads of self-help books and an overly optimistic therapist I found myself enveloped by a sense of faith in the world that may have been a little less than functional. 

In actuality, I wouldn't be a top-selling author by the time I was 25 and my life would include a helluva lot of stairs as opposed to a smooth elevator ride to health and happiness. I hope in time that distance will bring a charming perspective to these challenging times and I can look back at my life like a noble Johnny Cash classic instead of CNN coverage of a humanitarian disaster.

It's a bit odd being on the edge of in the thick of it. No longer a crisis but definitely not recovered. There are days when just making it through takes everything in me and then there are days when I feel my shine returning. Those days I can sense the hope and faith that used to carry me through my days before it was nearly battered to extinction by this postpartum depression.

I've been working at getting better for over a year. Like putting pennies in a jar, my baby steps seem to be adding up to something. People that haven't seen me for a while remark at how good I'm looking and I'm thinking ahead and making plans instead of barely being able to make it through each minute. The progress has been slow and hard to notice, like watching grass grow, yet I'm at a point now where I've clearly made some positive change.  

I've made positive change. It's a fact yet I struggle to believe this, embrace it, and lean on it. After so long going from one crisis to another I've arrived at a place where I can't trust the peace. It's no longer simply peace, it's the calm before a storm and I find myself paralyzed with the fear of my own mind. 

As demoralizing as this is, there is a small part of me that recognizes this as a trace of trauma, a temporary state of mind that I can overcome with more baby steps. When I can stay on top of the fear that perspective helps, when I can't I find myself floundering in that terrifying familiar darkness that has dominated so much of my past year.

While I'm still the creative, expressive wannabe-writer that I was years ago, I am more skeptical and less self-assured. Maybe that will change with time again as it has so far? Right now, instead of dreaming about book tours I dream of days where I feel at ease and am able to relax and enjoy my family. I dream of days where I can make it through without a panic attack or anxiety making me sick to my stomach. I dream of nights where I can cuddle with my husband without anxious thoughts hijacking my brain. 

It doesn't seem like much to ask for but at the same time seems like a lofty, magnificent goal. I know it's the negative, dysfunctional part of my brain when I wish for health and have visions of Indiana Jones snatching the golden idol and being chased by giant boulders enter my mind. My shaken confidence makes it seem that even when I think I'm home free I will be attacked somehow.  

But that is temporary. Like so many other awful symptoms that I've dealt with. I might not have the faith I did when I was younger, but I have enough to hold tight to my belief in baby steps!

---

As for a personal update, my Monday was pretty damn rough. The dark, suicidal thoughts were really sticky and things got pretty distressful rather quickly. Tuesday went a lot better for me although I felt some wobble and fears related to the day before that definitely raised my stress level. 

It's so disorienting having my life shift so abruptly and then feeling somewhat stable so soon afterward-I'm never quite sure how to relax and trust my mood because it's so unstable lately. Hopefully that changes and I get a more calm, stable status quo that I can trust. Baby steps.

Happy Wednesday to all, hope you are well :o)

Leaning into my fears... a little bit

Therapy yesterday was particularly intense. Lots of tears, lots of fears. It was upsetting but at the same time was good to feel a bit of clarity and perspective. I can't explain everything exactly but I can say that I came away from the session with a new sense of appreciation for how much motherhood means to me and how my fears of failing Baby Bananaface and hubster and our little family can paralyze me. It was intimidating but very grounding having it pointed out that I do care about things, that I do find meaning in life, that I am attached to this world. Lately I've had several bouts of dark thoughts that have made me wonder about such things.

It's very easy for me to get swept up in sticky, dark thoughts that lead me into a wormhole filled with questions about what life means. I have a difficult time accepting the unknown and I think "What is the meaning of life?" is one of those big questions without a single answer, but instead more answers than anyone could count. In that way it's a question without a solid answer and that wears on my mind, it tortures me and trips me up and shoves me down into my darkest places at the drop of a hat but as I gain a little more strength of mind I find myself returning to my ideas of "lowercase faith" and exploring my personal beliefs and trying to build up a defense against the dark pattern of my negative thoughts.

When I can navigate around those dark thoughts and resist the pull toward hopelessness I find myself considering questions of honor and love and hope and faith. I find myself believing and finding comfort in the idea that I live my life for love and that I battle fear and hate. It's quite simplified but it helps bring meaning to the suffering and remind me of those wonderful things about life that are worth sticking around for.

I'm still susceptible to those dark thought patterns and it can be a quick slide into a suicidal mental landscape for me, but I think that as I build my coping skills through DBT and build my strength of faith and sense of meaning I will find myself more resilient. It's scary to confront these thoughts and all the unknowns, I certainly don't know where I'll end up or what life will look like down the road and that's a scary thing. I can only do my best and hope that things will turn out all right.

This isn't quite the post that I was trying to create. I feel like I've shied away from many of the biggest deep dark thoughts and the hopeful bright thoughts that I've encountered over the past week or so, but that's simply how it is right now. The feelings that get stirred up as I explore my thoughts are uncomfortable and I can't risk falling into a hole right now, so I tiptoed my way around them as best I could and tried to stay calm instead of digging deep and potentially getting myself whipped into a fretful frenzy!

Well, I don't know what else to type right now except I hope everyone is well and finds some peace and happiness today.

A to Z, Farewell Fun Enterprise!

Today is May Day and the end of 2016's "A to Z Challenge."

It was my first time undertaking the challenge and I very much enjoyed myself. Not all of the letters were as simple or inspiring as others but I made ends meet and felt good about my theme and my writing; from "A" all the way to "Z" ;o)

My theme, by the way, was Gratitude: The Things That Keep Me Alive. Little did I know how relevant this would become after April 11th when I made an attempt on my life (my first true suicide attempt in a long career of depression and mental health struggles).

Thankfully we're keeping a much closer eye on my medications and my ECT treatment taper now. The hubby is especially cautious whenever I'm withdrawn or quiet and I'm grateful for his concern and care.

Some might say that it's attention-seeking writing so openly about this, but for me it's a political act against the stigma of mental health issues and the extreme isolation they cause. I do not think I'm some attention whore seeking "oohs and aahs," but rather a hurting soul sharing her story so that others struggling with their own pain might feel encouraged to speak up or reach out for help, companionship, reassurance, encouragement, or simply a listening ear.

It's not a bad thing to ask for exactly what you need and if anyone reading this contacts me with specific concerns, please feel free to include a phrase along the lines of, "I just need some reassurance" or "I just need to know that I'm not alone" or "I just need a few kind words to keep me going," because you wouldn't be the only one, the first one, or the last to need a little something to help you along your way-and I would be happy to provide that support if I possibly could!

*sigh* It's such a hard road sometimes. I know that many of my readers understand this completely. It's such a hard road sometimes. Sometimes it's wonderful and beautiful and rewarding, and sometimes it's a challenge just to make it out of bed but we're not alone in this and I think that this is one very important thing that the challenge did for me, was remind me that I'm not alone in my struggles.

Sure, mine are unique, but they are also shared in a certain way among thousands of my comrades and it's good to remember that every time I survive one more day I survive not just for myself and my family and my friends but all those people struggling with the same diseases and diagnoses that I so often conceal from the world and try to ignore. We're all battling these things together. As we survive, we honor each other's value and lives through our existence.

Yeah, this is dramatic but I think it's very true. Nothing matters until we decide it matters and there is increasing push toward valuing and encouraging quality living no matter what our disease, which is a very beautiful thing in a sometimes heartless world.

So I bid farewell to this year's "A to Z Challenge" and my theme of Gratitude: The Things That Keep Me Alive by calling our attention to these heavy, important, challenging topics one more time and taking with me for the long haul a new comfort level in discussing my personal story and my personal pain more openly on my blog than I may have before this challenge in the hopes of helping just one other soul on their journey to wellness... and helping myself live well for myself and my family as well!

Be well, everyone, and thank you for reading.

O is for Obduracy #atozchallenge

This post is part of my first year doing the A to Z Challenge and I happen to be writing under the theme Gratitude: The Things That Keep Me Alive. This is a relevant theme for me as I am struggling with postpartum depression, and also have diagnosed anxiety and bipolar II (just to let you know what's going on with me-it might be pertinent as you read the post below). Thank you for stopping by and reading my post!

O is for obduracy and not obligations because I wanted to stay positive and my first choice of "obligations" wasn't headed in positive directions. For whatever reason I had a difficult time thinking up an 'O' and had to look at a Scrabble word finder list for inspiration. Obdurate stuck me like Cupid's arrow. Inspiration from this word, and for the favor I give it back fawning affection from my nerdy little brain. 

Yes. I am in English major---and I approve of this word.  <3   ;o)

I had to double check the definition but my original guess was pretty close: refusing to do what other people want or not willing to change your opinion or the way that you do something.

That may not sound very positive and upbeat but it can actually be a powerful thing to be obdurate. My husband is obdurately optimistic and my obdurate nature toward authenticity is essential to my recovery and a huge part of why I'm still around. Without insisting on being genuine and pursuing a life where I can be myself and always believing that it's possible to find people to share my life with that actually approve and care for me as I am and don't expect me to be something that I'm not... that's vital! 

There are times when obduracy can be scary... I don't begrudge folks their religions or political views but when it gets in the way of being a decent human being I get a bit pissed off. That, to me, is a perfect example of some bad obduracy. But when I think of obdurate religious or political folks that are kind and helpful and selfless and happy, that warms my heart. See how thin the line can be with this!? It's boggling. 

So I hope that I can remain to use obdurate behavior in a positive way and battle my brain's well worn negative circuits that veer to the terrible side of obduracy. Thankfully doing DBT is helping me identify those negative circuits, flush them out, and reroute them. We all have our stubborn bad habits, but when those bad habits start to kill ya they need to be confronted, methinks!

How is being obdurate a positive in your life? a negative? Are you trying to change any of your obdurate ways?

K is for Kismet #atozchallenge

This post is part of my first year doing the A to Z Challenge and I happen to be writing under the theme Gratitude: The Things That Keep Me Alive. This is a relevant theme for me as I am struggling with postpartum depression, and also have diagnosed anxiety and bipolar II (just to let you know what's going on with me-it might be pertinent as you read the post below). Thank you for stopping by and reading my post!

K is for kismet because I am grateful for a few things that have fallen into place in seemingly perfect alignment for me (I know that seems like an odd statement when you look at the challenges I've faced lately but I'll explain in a moment). 

Before I go any further, I must specify what I mean by the word kismet, since I use it in my day-to-day language in my own particular way that may be a less common usage.

A dictionary definition might be, "a power believed to control what happens in the future; fate; your lot in life; destiny." My personal definition is quite similar but I don't really believe in fate or destiny or some type of god or force guiding everything along. I believe in things just falling into place as they happen to based on the confluence of many combined factors that are usually beyond my comprehension. When I say kismet I'm referring to dumb luck, not an orchestrated event. It sounds spiritual, feels spiritual, but when I say it it's coming from an atheist's mouth with a different kind of faith behind it than the usual type. I hope that makes sense for folks, it's kinda confusing even for me!

Moving on...

So what has fallen into place so well for me as I face a variety of scary diagnoses and fight for my life and struggle to contribute to a happy, healthy life for my family? 

First off, my husband. He's such a calm and unflappable type suited to being the partner of an emotionally unstable type like me-it's amazing how we found each other and have been so happy together despite my health challenges. 

Second, my son. Sure he cries like any kiddo does but he is generally a calm, happy child that is very happy and sociable and joyous and that is such a blessing. We didn't know that severe postpartum depression would crash down on me after three months of mothering, but it sure tore me apart and having a child like Baby Bananaface helped make the struggle a little less of a nightmare.

Third, my care providers. Being a part of the Swedish system and finding such a wonderful inpatient facility with such wonderful nurses and staff was so helpful and is reassuring as I know that if I ever find myself in that type of crisis again, I have a safe and welcoming place to go. My doctors and therapists are also wonderful finds and have been a huge part of the progress I've made towards wellness and I'm so grateful that I happen to have come into their care. Even as I think back over the years to a few specific providers (not quite all I've encountered over the past decade or so) I was quite lucky to have happened into their care and they have positively impacted my life in very specific, very wonderful ways. Did you know part of the reason I love birds so much is due to my first ever therapist? It's part of why they encourage and calm me so much!

Fourth, my blogging circle. I don't know how they all found me, but some very wonderful people have embraced me in the blogosphere and it is a delightful chance happening that I am so grateful for! I think it was Birdie who first commented on my blog and showed me that she read regularly (it blew my socks off, I hardly knew what to do!) and then more ladies showed up (mind blown). The fact that I found caring, considerate, creative bloggers that share about their own challenges in life and try to maintain positive points of views as they work through things... that's quite the lucky break, I say. I love you all. Thank you!

Kismet is a weird word to some a complicated concept, but for my English major/symbolism minded mind it sure helps me frame my world and make sense of life and find things to be grateful for. Sure, not everything "kismet" is positive (I happen to have been saddled with some shitty challenging mental health issues) but even then, recognizing that things fall into place in a way that is usually beyond our control-helps the rough stuff go down a little smoother.

Whatever your kismet is, happy trails and good luck ;o) Be well!

Trying Something New

The holiday season always bring up religion and that's an odd thing my home because my husband is ex-Mormon, now "agnostic" and I am an atheist. It's taken us both a long time to get to where we are with our faiths (yes, I consider atheism a faith, maybe that's odd) and we still have many discussions about it pretty regularly.

Anyways. I don't like to talk about religion because I hate confrontation and I feel like being an atheist is something of a controversial thing. "America was founded as a religious country" and "under God" and "In God we trust" are just the tip of the iceberg. How many religious loonies have violently attacked so-called "abortion clinics?" How many so-called devout Muslims are reigning terror across the world? Things like that make me feel like a target. It's probably partly my anxiety but partly pragmatism from observing the religious atmosphere in my country and how aggressively atheists can be received.

The thing is, we don't need to find God. We found him, lifted up his skirts and felt around his beard, poked and prodded until we made the decision we could leave the idea of him behind, and so we did. 

So here are some of my beliefs; mostly because I like to check in with myself an evaluate this from time to time and also because I think it's healthy for me to exercise having some opinions instead of smiling and nodding my way through life, hiding large parts of who I am.

---
I view faith as a fluid thing. It matures and changes throughout a lifetime and that's natural. Altering views doesn't negate everything we believe or make us fools, it's just part of being human. Within every religion, individuals have individual faiths with idiosyncrasies and exceptions and additions and the same is true for those of us that dwell beside or outside religion.

So. My beliefs. This won't be utterly thorough I'm sure but I'll try to cover the big ones and if anyone has any good questions or ideas I can explore those as well.

Where do we come from? I believe that all the elements here on Earth that make up life came from ancient stars that went supernova, so in that way we're all stardust. We evolved into the forms we are today and that's wicked cool just like all the other amazing lifeforms inhabiting the planet with us. We aren't "special" or "chosen" we're just the best at this evolving game.

On a bigger scale, I don't know where the universe came from and I accept the fact that I probably won't learn that answer in my lifetime. I believe science is the only way we can ever know, though I'm not sure we ever will. I'm okay with that. The unknown is okay, after all, we've been dwelling with it for quite a while and it hasn't totally demolished us!

What happens when we die? This is another unknown that I've come to accept and be friendly with. As far as our "souls" or our "spark," I think that nothing comes from nothing so I imagine it may recycle somehow, but I also see it as a something like the light that turns on when the coffee pot is brewing. If it's alive and kicking, the light glows, if it's off, the light does not. The light theory just doesn't fill out the picture for me though, and part of me believes that souls are a unique composition we have yet to discover and that like our physical bodies they too will redistribute after we die. I don't think they would recycle as a whole, no reincarnation business, but something recycle-y.

I don't believe in heaven or hell or an afterlife. Once we're done, we're done; and I don't think that's a bad thing. One lifetime is enough. I look at other animals and the lives they live and think we got it pretty good. I wouldn't want to be a fruit fly and I wouldn't want to be a giant tortoise spending 100 years+ munching greens, just not my thing. We live on in memory and those we leave behind and that's a wonderful thing. Not every species has that.

What about rules to live by? As far as morals and guidance, there is a lot of value in traditional religions but a lot of harm as well. I think that most people may have certain instinctual values from the get-go but other cultural things come with time, some good, some bad, many from evolution itself. Right and wrong is relative, so I find any arguments about morals generally to be shaded or biased. I am guided by Darwinian theories for the most part and if it suits the survival of our species, that's about as right as you can get in my book. That's not always pretty, but seems the most truthful to me.

What about God or Gods? Oh, the big one, I don't believe in a god or gods. Kinda forgot about that one. We are here, we evolved, we just are for however long. I believe in coincidence and while I sometimes fall into old habits of luck and superstition, I try to avoid thinking that way and reading into things searching for too much symbolism. Symbolism is important to bring meaning and connection to life, but a little goes a long way.

I don't believe we have anything or anyone looking out for us or guiding things a certain way. That can be a scary idea but once again, getting friendly with the unknown is part of life for me. There may not be someone looking out for us "upstairs" but that also means there isn't anyone trying to rip our souls out and ruin our lives "downstairs" and I like that idea quite a lot! Bad things happen, good things happen, sometimes for a reason and sometimes not. That's life. It's rough and tough but that's life. Any armadillo smushed by a car on a hot Texan highway knows that.

How do you live without faith? I've written before about Faith vs. faith, and I think it's worth repeating: just because I'm not a religious person doesn't mean that I don't have faith and that I can't be spiritual. Too many people see atheists as amoral heathens and that is just not the case. Anyone who has been reading my blog for very long can probably tell I have lots of values and even spiritual moments in my life and even I have faith, and with faith comes hope. It's a human trait, a necessity as I see it. I don't know if there are universities studying this type of thing but I think they'd find that everyone around the world and maybe some higher level animals besides us show hope and utilize faith. Falling asleep and believing tomorrow will come takes faith. Everyone is faithful in my book, whether or not they acknowledge it.

What's your reason for living? I don't really see an endgame in life, it's really just living for the now, for our lifetime and for those we love and care for and to experience lovely things and work hard to thrive instead of simply survive. I live for my husband and my son, my blogging community gives meaning to my life as does yoga and nature. I believe I would buckle under the pressure of trying to live a certain way to obtain or earn a certain end result and while it's not part of my belief system I struggle with a sense of perfectionism, so living for "just because" actually helps calm me down and take the pressure off.


And yes, I use words like "amen" and "Jesus Christ!" but that's a cultural thing, not a religious thing I think.... I can't imagine not exclaiming "Good God!" when a tree falls down or "Jesus Christ!" when we lose traction in the snow or some bit of unsavory news is dropped in my ear, but these aren't pleas to a deity, they're just curses, dammit ;) and acknowledgment of something awing. I hope that makes sense...?


I think that's enough writing for now. I'm sure there are more questions and topics to be discussed, but what I've written has made me feel better and more connected with my faith again, and that was the main objective.

It's a scary thing for me to post this. I'm afraid of what people may think, but I trust my readers and this community and feel like it is a safe and accepting place for me to explore these thoughts-and hell, it's my blog! I can post what I want to!  :)

I believe in laxatives, not miracles

Yes. It has happened. I pooped! and it wasn't the horrible experience that last week's BM was either (bonus). I think not quite going an entire week between movements paid dividends.

I took a "gentle, overnight laxative" last night before realizing it wasn't simply stool softener (not supposed to use laxatives while breastfeeding apparently) and it was just that; gentle, overnight, a couple gravely rumbles but not gut wrenching cramps and then this morning: voila!

Praise aside, I don't want to use it again if I can help it. Baby Bananaface hasn't erupted yet but I'd rather avoid the possibility and I prefer to take care of things with diet, fiber supplementation, and exercise... but I am relieved and pleased.

The war is still on and I will be regular again *angrily shakes fist* The hubs and I are considering my constipation a top priority since if affects so many other things, possibly my mood the most. We think it was the anti-nausea meds (we hope) otherwise we get to figure out which psychiatric script it is and that could be a pain in the... well, you know.

Typing of, my mood has been a weird up and down combo. I've felt overstimulated and "up" and had difficulty sleeping but also feel a bit sad going into the holidays with family stress. I'm coming to a point where I'm ready to focus on sticking in the now as much as possible and letting go of things instead of trying to grapple with every emotional wave and conquer it completely. A tall order for me, but I'm weary.

Today we head to the mall to foist our snotty child on a stranger who resembles Santa for some *hopefully* cute pictures. This is not a tradition in either of our families but I didn't want to regret not having a picture of BB's first Christmas picture with Santa, so we are playing it safe. We'll see how it goes!

Oh, and I'm feeling just about 100% better physically after my second bout of flu, just dealing with a runny nose. *knocks on wood*


Our couple's quote for the day:

The hubs chuckled this morning: "We don't have a Bible in this house, we have a dictionary in this house."

And I happily chirped: "Amen!"


Not entirely sure how poop and faith got mixed up in this post, but there ya have it. ;)

Warning: Graphic Photos

Today I decided to keep myself busy and active to try and fend off the sadness that has been dogging me.

Part of my "busy-ness" plan was walking to Fred Meyer's and getting a few things for a chocolate cheesecake recipe and on the way I came across a dead bird beside the sidewalk. At first I thought it was a hawk, then I saw the face... it was an owl. For some reason, it seemed more meaningful when I realized that it was an owl. 

I'm not sure if I've ever seen an owl in the wild and I had never seen a dead owl before (outside a museum) so... well, I'm glad I decided to walk this path today.

when I found you 

I looked away

as if your death were a private affair

not a tactless shrine 

beside the cars' path that killed you

but when I looked back and found your eyes

dull silver-bronze like your talons

I knew that I must look upon you

honor you

behold you 

since I couldn't hold you in my arms

cradle you and whisper 

congratulations and commendations 

 and endearments into the wet feathers at your ears

as I lay you to rest somewhere shadowed and quiet

 you fell along a congested state route

 upon sodden weeds and bits of broken plastic

I will think of you in the sky dear one

among the stars

above the trees

The talons were a breath taking metallic color and quite surprising. 

Had a creepy moment when I looked up and found 3 nearly
identical cats watching me after taking photos of the owl.

To top it off there was a dead rat in our parking lot. That was just too nasty to take pictures of but let me say that it appeared someone was benefiting from the rat's death. 

Offsetting the death I encountered, I  was delighted and shocked to find these blooms on the rhododendron by our parking spot.

The cheesecake has been quite an effort and I hope it will be worth it... won't know til tomorrow.

OH, Baby Bananaface has started saying "mummamamamomma" when he wants me :) We're calling it his first word! Momma for the win!

Also, the hubs spotted a rat on our balcony evening last after I had spotted droppings last week so our bird feeding is a little... limited at the moment. Still have the little suet up and getting my good visitors along with some obnoxious starlings... *sigh* At least the hummingbird feeder is no strings!

Teeth, Tears, Milk, and Poop

I'm still bobbing around the sad end of my mood spectrum. I've been very low energy this week which hasn't worked out so well with Baby Bananaface's surge in activity and decline in naps. Still haven't captured his two new bottom teeth on film, dang hard!

Not only is his crawling, climbing, banging, cruising, and drooling his way all over the house with a new fervor-but he's pooping like he's on overdrive. Maybe it's a growth spurt, I don't know. I'm so caught up in dragging myself through the day that I can't objectively view much of anything lately. All I know is I feel overwhelmed and exhausted quite often and he just doesn't seem to stop (at least not as often as he once did).

Hard fought nap, a damn hard fought nap.

Talking to my psychiatrist and my therapist I think it's time to change our breastfeeding routine. It's taking too much outta me (in more than milky ways), I feel too much pressure, I stress about supply too much, I can't get up and pump at night when I need to rest... something has got to give.

I'm seeing the lactation consultant again Monday to discuss options... I wanted to exclusively breastfeed to 9 months or longer, but now I don't think that's reasonable. I'm not well and I need to make life easier for myself. Pretty hard with my perfectionist tendencies to let something like that go, but I can see how parenthood will present this situation to me many times-ideally I wanted this and realistically with my child/life/situation I ended up doing this.



In somewhat better news I started the new drug, lithium. I'm taking 300 mg each night until Monday, when I'll start taking 600 mg for five more days and then we'll take a blood level. The plan is to get the lithium up to a therapeutic dose and then back the Seroquel off. Doc is hoping that with an effective mood stabilizer I won't need the sleep aid effect of the Seroquel or the anti-anxiety med Ativan as often or at all. Seems like pie in the sky stuff to me, but she's the doc and I trust that she knows what to expect of treatment better than I.


On a side note, donating blood Wednesday made me feel good about myself but didn't help with my exhaustion.


On another side note, I had my mother up yesterday (successful visit overall despite my fatigue and some quiet spells) and she only spoke obtusely about my aunt's situation. Today I saw my dad for brekkie down south and he and I spoke about it openly.

We're on a very similar page: saw this coming, just didn't know when, it sucks, the transition will happen, grief etc., then life goes on. It felt good to talk about it with someone that not only had my view but balances the matter of fact feelings with the deep, gooey feelings pretty well. We both felt a little callous for thinking "well, ya smoke and live that way for that long and this is what happens, I never expected her to go peacefully, it sucks, but that's the reality" but realizing we weren't the only person thinking or feeling that way was helpful and also made it easier to express the harder, sadder feelings that are more difficult to access when you can be honest about your experience first and foremost.

He made the simple comment, "She was a good aunt," and it made me remember all the good times when I was younger. She was my favorite aunt, Aunt Sally, the only aunt I felt I really had. She was fun. Then, as I got older, I got more sensitive to her smoking and the deception about my cousin really rankled me. Years of asking her to quit smoking, to be healthier... I finally gave up. It was too sad watching her kill herself like that. I distanced. I withdrew. I used to visit so often and now I can't remember how long it's been. I know that being in her house makes my eyes water and my throat hurt. Sitting near her in a restaurant makes my nose burn. She doesn't go out much and we don't keep in contact so she hasn't met B.B. and I haven't seen her since I was preggers. It's sad. But I don't want to make myself feel worse or responsible... Maybe I will try to arrange a meeting somewhere outside her house where I feel safe bringing B.B. .... Anyways...

Oh, the downlow: she has stage 4 cancer. What type, unsure, just that it's everywhere-lungs, kidneys, lymph nodes, and they've done radiation and are doing chemo trying to shrink it enough to be somewhat operable but as-is it's inoperable. I think the hub's said my mom said it was a 6-12 month outlook scenario (he asked her point blank what was going on and she responded but she has a hard time talking about it with me, I think she's afraid of overloading me). I just don't understand how it got that bad without them knowing, she's had cancer scares before so I would've thought she was being surveilled pretty regular but I guess not. Maybe it was just a fast-mover?

Anyways.

So.

I'm here. I'm moving along. Trying not to get swamped as I paddle my leaky boat through these rough waters, making repairs as I go.

Bless my birds... this northern flicker made quite a mess this morning.

October, you're here!

It's my favorite month.

I still feel shitty. I'm still not myself-or at least the self that I like.

This week has been.... rough, but with bright patches. I've managed to do more than I have in weeks but I've also had really dark days and the bad thoughts toward baby and myself have returned.

Last night I started lithium. We're going to ramp that up and then back the Seroquel off.

It's pretty hard to be interested or enjoy anything right now. I feel so in limbo and my heart is just numbed out. It's disconcerting when I'm actually engaged or kind or enthused, because those bright moments come out of relative darkness.

Hoping life will make more sense soon. Til then I'm gimping along just trying to feed myself, not hurt myself or others, and stick to the plan even when I lose faith in it.

Oh October, I wish I could greet you with more cheer.

Thank goodness for birds. My balcony flowers and feeders have brought me much peace and joy the last few days. Stellar's jays, chickadees, dark-eyed juncos, hummingbirds, and even a Northern flicker. So glad I bought those feeders that I've wanted for years. Should've done this ages ago!

Farewells, A Letter

A slightly different Monday Missive today...

I sit here in my corner room. The room that I was shocked and scared to find myself in a little over a week ago. Tonight the room isn't a bare-walled holding pen with locked cabinets but my room. The scuffs on the wall, the sticky patches on the floor are familiar. The sounds of my slippers wresting from the adhesive effect and clapping back down on the linoleum my own personal theme song. The simple room calms and comforts me. I am safe here now.

My name on the whiteboard seemed so securely emblazoned and yet I know it will be easily whisked away from its compatriots. I feel tears of joy and sadness welling up as I think of leaving my friends behind. I am so grateful for their companionship, their insight, their understanding and support. I wish that I could ease their pains, accelerate their journey, somehow make my graduation our graduation so that we may all leave together. 

But our paths part here and while I am sad to go I am hopeful for all of us. I have seen such beautiful things among all our darkest feelings and most tragic memories. We have shared such tender moments, reaching out to help each other despite our own immense burdens. That is something remarkable. Not every unit will experience such grace or kindness on any given day, let alone for as many days as we have shared and I commend those special souls for contributing to such a marvelous healing atmosphere.

Somehow we have created a magical equation where immense sadness plus more sadness equals hope. Part of that has been the wonderful relationship and supportive peer community we have forged and another large part is the amazing staff here at 2 East. All the hard work they have poured into this program and all the care they take in coaxing wellness back into our lives is as sneakily effective as it is beautiful. This culture of caring is not universal and it is not a fluke. Well done. I never thought that having my vitals taken would become therapeutic!

I leave with a lighter heart, a good dose of fear, and a rekindled sense of hope but I also leave with tears in my eyes and a deep, deep gratitude for all those that have helped me on my path to recovery. From fleeting smiles to life affirming and life altering conversations, I have experienced a level of respect, care, and consideration that I had never conceived of before. 

To my special friends and the staff of 2 East, thank you. Thank you and best of luck. I must give myself credit for hanging in with the program and letting the magic happen but I also appreciate the special effect that such a wonderful group of people added to this experience. Not every unit can do what we did here. I may have been able to recover at some other unit with some other people, but I know that I would not have felt as good as quickly if it had not been for all of you.

Keep on fighting the good fight.

Be well,

Hannah 

Day 4 - Monday "on the inside"

I don't have my girls with me, but they are always with me in a way... Quotes spring to mind, images, feelings-and of course there is something to be said about jello! (no green so orange today)

Rose Nylund: Here you go, Sophia, the perfect after dinner treat, a nice dish of Jello. 
Sophia Petrillo: I hate Jello, if God wanted peaches suspended in mid-air He would've filled them with helium. 

Slightly less well known than the more popular “Anger is like a piece of shredded wheat stuck in your dentures. If you leave it there, you'll get a blister and have to eat jello for a week.”  Also by Sophia....

---

Cream of rice with brown sugar.... pretty dang scrumptious.

Today was on the whole better but with some rough patches. Had another bad anxiety episode with some nausea and I ended up getting my Ativan a little late, curling up on my bed and crying for a bit before it kicked in and I felt a lot better. I was more active, got outside TWICE and hit all the groups.

I opened up more today and was more social and shared more despite taking my necessary private time breaks and pumping. I've initiated double pumping which was a bit of a chore and exploration/experimentation but it's paying off! I'm spending much less time "on the rig."

Might as well photoshop
black splotches and a
cowbell on me!

Anyways. Gonna try to sleep better tonight. Last night sucked and then I woke up at 3:00 AM... This whole feeding a human and trying to sleep thing doesn't even work when the babe is off site! Trying again tonight to get good rest. May use another Ativan on top of the Seroquel dose to get me down, but we'll see. 

Seems like the plan is to get me out of here Friday but everything is "wait and see." Gonna try to get me up to 100 mg of the Seroquel tomorrow. 

We had a good self-esteem session (though distressing) and I'm looking forward to boundaries group tomorrow. Enjoyed exercise/relaxation today. Got some positive feedback about the boundaries I've been using with my mom but also some gentle nudges as far as areas I can improve - NOTE TO SELF: do the positive dreamscape activity, rewrite "internal tapes" that replay negative scenes with my mother as a positive encounter :)

I get along with most everyone though I do struggle with sucking up other people's emotions and one lady in particular is quite a seeper and very negative when she talks. Lots of "I just gotta say" or "I have something to share" and then major negativity and dumping and blaming and whatever. I'm over it. I try to tune out and remember that she has some major issues and that's her problem, not mine.

---

I finished my fishy painting and had fun with that today though I am a little disappointed with how the coral above "Gillybert" turned out I like most of it. The orange coral at the bottom right in my favorite and me and my unit peeps had a good laugh about the shape of the rock in the top right-heart? butt? boobs? testicles? It's a conversation starter.

Before ink lines

Inked

It is a bicolor parrotfish and I chose to paint it because A) purple and blue are some of my favorite colors B) bicolor/bipolar-get it? C) I went on a night dive in the Great Barrier Reef and saw a parrotfish sleeping in it's mucous sac and I use that visual when I'm warding off other's emotions :)

Haven't decided if I will keep it or leave it... 


Good visit with babe and hubs. Still not synced up with B.B. and feeling distant and disinterested and low tolerance. Helps me realize that I'm where I need to be and what I'm working towards. The hubs had my mom up for helps today (very controlled circumstances and he kept her well away from me!) Apparently she talked more about my sister's baby shower than anything else and she and my dad haven't had many questions about my situation (well, my dad wanted to know if Disneyland was still on next month. Classy).  But maybe part of that was the hubs intentionally protecting our privacy and not opening up too much. He can be pretty stoic and "shut downy" when he wants to be.


Okay. Bedtime.

Good night all.

Simple Things

Tired, well, actually more like exhausted and one good night's rest just wasn't enough to rejuvenate me. Anyway, despite my tiredness I have felt well this morning compared to the last few days. I was able to enjoy some simple things this morning and felt like this was worth acknowledging! It is remarkable how much pleasure can be gained from a simple cup of coffee and some potted flowers.

I quite enjoyed planting these flowers yesterday and while I never thought this day would come, I can honestly say that I would relish the opportunity to garden in my own yard some day. Growing up I hated yard work, I was afraid of bugs and didn't like getting dirty, but now there is something therapeutic and soothing to the work now, a connection to the Universe that nourishes my faith like only nature can.

Just a minor note regarding the flowers... I have wanted a coleus plant for years and I am especially enjoying having one. Same goes for the cockscomb. Can you tell I'm very tactile???

Also, my chintzy glowy LED ball ornament gives me joy :)

Recovering

Bouncing back. I'm feeling better about our moving prospects and calming down overall but the whole episode has made me think about my resiliency and coping better with stress...

I hate to be a burden but more than that I just don't want to feel like shit anytime a challenge comes along. It totally hijacks my day, affects the hubbo and Baby, it's just no fun.

In better news, Baby is sleeping a 6-hour block at night lately. It's crazy. I feel like he's already growing up too fast. It's worse than watching birthday flowers fade watching the newborn shine fade from him!

I've already pondered existence quite a bit thanks to my mental health issues but parenthood has definitely made death and life mean more, brought clarity to my ponderings and really grounded my beliefs. Like most people I've explored religion but the past few years I really settled into atheism and somehow having a baby solidified it for me. It's kinda funny considering how much faith having a baby takes, all that faith in a Faithless person-makes me smirk.

Big difference between lowercase faith and uppercase Faith. I think it's important to note that Faithless people can live with a lot of faith, in fact I think faith is essential to human life. Part of being human is the burden of these big ole brains making us aware of what could happen, without faith we'd be crippled by that awareness. So I have faith and despite not believing in any higher order I feel like a pretty spiritual person.

I think working on my faith will help with my resiliency.

Aahhh... Watching "Louie" and this episode had Robin Williams. *teary* I think it's lovely that just seeing him makes me sad but happy and grateful all at once. That's a worthy goal in life, to be a cherished memory, to be remembered well... Closest thing to "heaven" I think.

Holy crap. It's only 8 AM. I woke up at 6 AM thinking it was 10 AM. Boy howdy am I gonna crash hard later!