Catharsis

Listening to the album I listened to during labor. Wonderful. Never knew how cathartic it would be but a wonderful release and memories. 

Beautiful snow here right now but I haven't tried to drive in it yet! Sending warm wishes to those struggling.

Be well :o)

That Old Feeling

 Maybe not that old of a feeling, but ever since we decided we weren't have more children I've had a certain grief about it. Okay, grief and envy of those that get to have more children. It's not that I want another baby, it's just that I want to be pregnant and give birth again. Kinda confusing sometimes having those seemingly conflicting feelings.

Why bring this up yet again? My sister is pregnant. 

I mentioned a while back that she called me about some intense social anxiety and body image issues. She was even getting on antidepressants for it and then all of a sudden she decided having another baby was what she wanted. It didn't make sense to me then and it doesn't make sense to me now. She's in a bad place, why a baby? 

I've heard of people having babies trying to save their marriages, so maybe it's a similar thing? Not to save a marriage but to jolt her out of her problems? That said, I think it's only a temporary relief and her problems will return twofold after the baby comes. It's a temporary high that pregnancy and anticipation. For some people it stays a high when the baby comes, but sometimes it's a major down swing. She's already complaining about being "kidded out" and overwhelmed, so I don't suspect she'll be one of those lucky people that are skywriting after an infant shows up.

Anyway. Those old feelings came up. Yesterday I saw my birthing books and I started dry-sobbing. The tears won't come but I heave and gasp. Maybe you know what I mean. It seems strange to me since I used to cry so easily. The hubs understands. He honed in on it quite quick. I said I didn't want to talk about it and he guessed. He says it's probably worse since it's her. Thankfully we've got a lot of distance between us and I won't have to be around her growing belly and her complaints, thinking how much I would savor those 9 months and appreciate the experience of birth again.

My birthday and Valentine's Day were very nice. The boys made me feel special all day on Saturday for my birthday, starting off with a birthday brunch and then they made me brownies and I got some gifts and cards to open. Valentine's Day was nice and relaxed as well with cards, flowers, chocolates, and a box full of goodies for BB from grandma, my sister, and a family friend. It's a no school day today so BB is home again and so far it's going well. I don't feel overwhelmed having the extra full day with him so far. Sometimes that happens on long weekends.

Well, that is a long enough entry methinks. I hope everyone had a nice weekend. Quite a bit of snow around the PNW and we got a little bit here. The boys made a snow-monster once it started melting up a bit (otherwise it was too powdery)!

Be well :o)

Where am I?

 Okay, okay. I know where I am, here at home on a sunny day in Utah. What I'm questioning is where my identity has gone since this whole Covid mess and starting teaching.

I was baking bran muffins (something I use to do as much as twice a month) and realized it was the first time I had baked them since moving here in June. I've baked a cake (for the hubs's birthday) and some banana bread muffins on occasion but no biscotti and only a few batches of cookies. Baking used to be such a big part of my life. When I was at the CrossFit gym I would bring in something every other week it seemed. Now... now it feels novel.

My cross-stitching has faded to oblivion. I haven't picked it up in months and I'm so intimidated to start up again, much like my gym routine (or lack of routine). After the injury at my last CrossFit gym and then Covid I've totally lost any shape I was in (I'm now a rather weepy pear shape if you're curious) and I'm afraid of the drastically uphill battle it will be starting up a gym routine again. I'm getting my first dose of the vaccine on Thursday so in a few months I should be ready to rejoin the sweaty masses at some sort of gym. A scary thought.

I've been reading some at least. Another part of my identity. But my anxiety from work makes it very hard to concentrate. Sometimes I can only read two pages at a time and have to jump between books. 

Writing? Can't you tell how far off that boat I've sunk? Entries here are next-to-none and I'm not keeping a journal or anything. Any writing that could be considered writing is put into fake essays and examples for class.

It's interesting... scary, but interesting that I didn't realize how much of a sense of identity these things gave me until this whole pandemic swept them away. I've always been a little loose on my sense of self, a hallmark of borderline personality disorder. For some reason, this has me considering what does contribute to my sense of self? What is unique to me?

I like to bake, read, write, craft, and (used to) workout. I enjoy teas and decaf coffees. I like chocolate and birds and snails and slugs. Why I included snails and slugs near to an edible reference I'm not sure. I love BB and the hubster. Now, I'm starting to identify as a Utahn transplant and as something of a teacher. I like purple best and treasure a select few of my coffee mugs more than any other dishes. I don't consider myself to have a lot of friends but care for those that I have. I like to travel. I don't like going out in the snow all that much though. I'm not a dog person, but consider poodles a decent alternative. I'm a bit lonely and lost at the moment, but I'm not completely hopeless.

So there's something. And for whatever reason, I feel like I'm right where I need to be right now. Where else could I be? All things considered...