Thursday, February 14, 2013

Story of My Life!

A Walk

Fio and I just went on a mid-morning walk for the first time in a long time. It just kinda happened!

Still feeling blubbery (like the whale, not a hysterical female) and it doesn't help that I've been on an emotional roller coaster with the news that big changes might be coming into my life via my hubby's job and possible relocation. One of those possibilities is Wyoming.

 W Y O M I N G.

 It's sinking in how different that would be and it scared the crap outta me yesterday. But also intriguing and more sunshine.

Oh yeah, yesterday was my birthday too. It was good. Lots of flowers and cute cards.

I don't know if this was a sign but a crow just flew on the eave outside with a mawful of what looked like fresh guts. Not sure what I would glean from that-could be abundance, resilience, or death!

In medication news I've been tapering off Paxil and onto Lexapro and today will be my first *intentional day off of Paxil!

Friday, February 8, 2013

Kitty of the Week-Jones

This is Jones, whom I had the pleasure of meeting at PAWS this week. He is HUGE!

His tail is curled constantly and he has long legs and behaves almost like a dog. What a charmer and a sunny spot on my week.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013


February already. I have no idea what happened to January, it just disappeared!

Today I have another appointment with the new ARNP to talk about my meds. I'm so numbed out and dense it's difficult to formulate any heartfelt opinion outside a whiney, "I want off this dumb Paxil!"

I am so deflated. No self-worth and only weak threads of emotion remain accessible to me through the dense fog in which I am lost. I might not be so upset by such a flat-line if my mood flat-lined above the neutral point in my emotional spectrum, but at the moment I'm stalled out below my emotional mid-line.
I remember similar symptoms while I was on citalopram. I wasn't stuck in miserable like I am now, but stuck in an overly content mood where nothing felt terrible and nothing felt wonderful, I was stuck in a content neutral. When I get stuck in these mood ruts I lose all motivation and direction, floating around like a jelly fish without a grip on anything.

In the past couple weeks I've become much more aware of this mood rut, but I feel like it's been going on for quite some time. I feel sad when I think about  my wedding weekend and how dumbed down I felt and removed from it all. I felt nothing-no anxiety or hardly any excitement-when the hubby and I bought a new car last week.

I feel like a gimp. Last night I contemplated looking for a job and couldn't imagine myself functioning well enough to make it through a shift at any job.


Just lost.