Monday, January 22, 2018

Checkin' In

Had my third ECT treatment so far this morning and with the way things are looking-I should be out of here Wednesday.

It's been, well, what you would expect: good and bad.

It's stressful making the adjustment to being "on the unit" and it's going to be stressful adjusting to "the outside" again. I've seen others come and go. I've gotten used to the nurses-especially those that I remember from years ago. At first I was a little ashamed to see them again after all these years (as if I should've "had everything figured out" or something) and now I'm just glad that they're here. It seems like they're used to a little bit of turnaround and they probably don't remember me as clearly as I remember them.

Either way-I'm very grateful for them.

I made a few new friends while I was here and I'll be able to keep in touch on Facebook etc. There was another (newer) mother here that I had particular fun with and I think we will be trying to hook up IRL once things settle down for each of us.

Right now, I'm looking forward to time with the hubs and BB. Baking in my kitchen. Seeing the outside of a building. Drinking some decent fuckin' coffee (for serious, c'mon people, folks be dying in here and ya give them this shit coffee?). *excuse my language plz*

So. I'm glad I checked in for another visit. It hasn't been and won't be easy, although I think everything has helped get me headed down the right path again.

I'm pretty nervous about making the transition with mental habits to get in a healthier spot again as well as transitioning back to daily life with the gym and such. I won't be driving for a bit while we finish up ECT (I've got three treatments this week and then we'll see about doing 3 again next week or going down to 2 and so on).

Not sure when I'll be able to get back to the gym, although it's looking like even next week is going to be a bit of a strain. Going on week three now that I've been away? No... yeah. This is week three. I was gone a week when my sister-in-law came to stay with BB and I, last week while I was in hospital, and now I'm entering into the third week. Jeesh. Could be a month out of the gym... Oh well.

Priorities.

One day a time.


Thank you everyone <3


Saturday, January 13, 2018

Back on the Inside

Friday I had another plan with a set date. The hubs was onto me and I confessed in a note, so he skipped out on work and took me to the ER up in Seattle where they do my ECT treatments now.

We clocked in at 1:25 and I got into my room almost exactly 9 hours later.

T I R E D

So far so good. Found some nice folks and like the staff. Got some great tomato soup here.

Hoping to get onto the ECT schedule for Monday and we shall see.

I think we're gonna be trying a "new" medication to try and help with my sleeping.

We aren't allowed to have laptops or cellphones on the unit so I will be sparse for the next week at least (as if I haven't been sparse for MONTHS now!).

Thank you all for your support. I hope-truly-to see those days when I'm well enough to catch up with all of your blogs and stories too.

Be well.

Saturday, January 6, 2018

Still Here

Tomorrow the hubster foiled my would-be attempt by having my dad drop by the apartment unannounced. My dad took care of BB while I slept most of the afternoon (or laid in the dark contemplating new strategies) and until the hubby got home that evening.

Apparently the hubster got me into a drug trial down in Portland. Since things with ECT have slowed down because of needing that EKG and bloodwork (which seems so simple) he wanted to act more quickly.

Feeling broken. Broken and split. I can feel that my brain isn't working. Part of me feels like ending my life is the best thing for everyone involved. Part of me sees the illness and a life worth living as separate... as the hubster was having me say last night, "I'm out of my mind." That bout covers it.

One day at a time. Gonna be under supervision for foreseeable future. Can't blame them considering I was driving in the rain without my windshield wipers on going 55 in the right lane completed spaced yesterday...

Life is messy right now.


Had a few interesting dreams and stories to share-maybe later. My head hurts and food must be consumed.

Be well.