Tuesday, December 11, 2018

Wondering at the horizon...

Found out another gym mom is pregnant today. Her joy was so infectious. This red-faced, supremely scrunchy smile that I described as "Christmas and birthdays and everything all together!"

It was heart wrenching.

Not too long ago I was coping with pregnancy envy over my other friend and feeling like I'd found a good place, worked through it, and moved on. Now I feel pushed back again into this mire of sadness and shame.

We don't want more kids. We're happy. Yet I'm also sad. I'm also confused. I lost so many memories even though I'm fairly certain that I did my best to cherish every stage and step of the way into motherhood. We made the decision to sterilize together and I'm so relieved that I don't have to worry about risking the horrible fallout from my first pregnancy.

I still feel anger. Anger and grief and shame. My choice was about "can't" and "won't" and yet somedays that "can't" glares so much more intensely. I feel robbed. I feel like my illness took my choice away from me. I wonder if we hadn't gone through what we did if we would've had our second child.

In the end, I feel like it's part of a phase-a process. Today I started to appreciate that I'm hanging around with a bunch of baby-making-aged ladies and it's gonna be a part of the scenery! Guess I didn't think that it would be so upsetting, or that I would be exposed to all those sticky emotions that come with pregnancies-good and bad emotions!

I found an article that seemed to help a little bit. It's a different animal, this type of pregnancy envy. I can't relate exactly to all those struggling with infertility and not having any children and those articles seem to reign supreme.

Anyways. I'm kneeling on our hard dining room floor (I was trying to work with our printer) and these old bones need to move!

Love and hugs.

Happy Trails :o)