The trip home from PA went a little differently than the journey to PA. Namely, shoving my brother's belongings and an extra adult into the sedan made traveling much more like riding economy class on an airplane! But despite the decrease in elbow room we increased our site seeing and pit stops while maintaining our general timeline, making the trek within 5 days.
Sunday involved some last minute errands around the college dwelling but we got on the road at a decent hour. Instead of the PA Turnpike we opted for a highway to Hershey and a chocolate scented factory tour ride. The rest of the day we drove through PA and to Canton, OH, where we obtained a steeply taxed hotel room close the Pro Football Hall of Fame.
The Hall of Fame was pretty awesome. I'm a relatively new and uneducated football fan (Seahawks bandwagoneer) but even so I appreciated the history and lore. It was a very well done museum with interactive exhibits, lots of great relics, and a nice layout.
After the Hall of Fame we drove through the rest of OH through Gary, Indiana and around Chicago, through Illinois to just north of Madison, WI, stopping in Lodi for the night. It was a bit crazy. Mom drew the short straw and drove around Chicago (my haphazard navigation brought us a little close the suburbs and we caught quite a few red lights but also managed to drive through the town she was born in, so it worked out!) and if that wasn't enough a huge lightning storm rolled in when we were driving around northern Illinois. It seemed to calm down once we hit Madison but it was pretty crazy.
The next day we drove from Lodi, WI through MN and SD to Rapid City (our favorite Ramada in Black Hills). Eating at a Culver's was a highlight as was watching for pheasants and pronghorns alongside the interstate.
Wednesday we woke at a reasonable hour to visit Mt. Rushmore. It was impressive. Not just the huge heads carved into a mountain, but the memorial itself! My dad said that when he had visited decades ago it was just a little trail and now it's a full blown memorial with stone stair cases and multiple buildings. We were tempted to visit Crazy Horse, even drove to the gate, but the $28 fee didn't seem worth it.
After our sightseeing we switched into drive mode. Leaving I-90 for an alternate route, cutting a corner of WY on our way to MT. After swapping through drivers we managed to reach Missoula by midnight putting us right where we wanted to be in order to stop by my sister's college for lunch the next day.
Thursday morning in Missoula my brother and parents ate brekkie at Taco Bell (I opted for the hotel grab and go) and we saw a sparrow picking bugs out of the grill of the car for his breakfast. Ha! We had a pit stop at St. Regis right before hitting ID (I bought some earrings and saw trout in an aquarium). With the last time zone change in order we rolled into Cheney right around noon for a nice visit, dorm tour, and lunch with the sis and to pick up more of my brother's stuff. Needless to say the rest of the drive across WA was really cozy.
All in all the trip went better than I expected. I bottomed out the Friday and Saturday we spent in PA (suicidal/self harming) but texting and talking with the hubby got me through it. Thankfully I was able to bounce back all right and for the most part was in good spirits throughout the trip.
By the last few days nerves were a bit frayed but we never lost our senses of humor. It was a little rough being around my brother's caustic wit and sarcasm again but when I started to frame it as a defense mechanism it became easier to let go and (maybe it was my imagination) with a little time he seemed to back off a bit. Maybe he was nervous being near the family again after so long too?
Coming home on I-90 we arranged to meet the hubster at Snoqualmie Casino to pick me and my stuff up. I didn't think I was going to be so excited to see him but when we rolled into the parking lot and I caught sight of him-I could hardly get my seat belt off quick enough!
Turns out he had chopped his beard off while I was away (having sent a bearded selfie to throw me off his trail a few days prior) and in my shock and excitement I battered him with my wallet like a little old granny warding off a pick pocket. Yes. I am like a toddler, sometimes I just don't know how to handle my emotions!
In other news, we're rearranging the apartment and doing some spring cleaning. We visited with one of the hubster's sisters and another is visiting later this week! He's also made plans to do a hiking mini-vacay with his brother next month. Busy busy.
Oh! My FAM charting, while crazy over the road trip, turned out accurate. A few false peaks but then I hit my luteal phase and conveniently didn't start until I was back at home! Thank you nature! A perfectly delayed ovulation in my book ;)
Well. If my fingertips could sweat they would be. I'm done typing! Will blog on other thoughts later, just wanted to get down some road trip commentary before I neglected to all together :) Goodnight!
Showing posts with label FAM. Show all posts
Showing posts with label FAM. Show all posts
Monday, May 19, 2014
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Motherhood
Deciding when to have kids is a complex choice. That decision is further complicated when you are living with a mental illness and further complicated again when you're broadsided a biological clock type hormonal hurricane.
The hubster and I have known that we want kids for as long as we can remember. While I went through a period in my teens/early twenties when I thought that I would be a crazy cat-lady spinster, deep down I have always held close my desire to be a mother. Part of our commitment to each other and of our marriage is becoming parents and making a family together. While we were dating, we weren't just looking for husband or wife material, we were looking for co-parent material.
Of course, when we met we had no idea what the future would hold for us and had no idea what my illness would put us through. During my lowest points and ongoing recovery, my husband has been the holder of our dreams. Not putting any pressure on me and my recovery, but protecting our shared goals and keeping his eyes on the prize. His dedication to our parenthood goals has given me a new perspective of "keeping the faith."
There have been moments, during the lowest times, when I contemplated permanent birth control. Abandoning my dreams of motherhood because of my illness, afraid of what my sickness could mean for potential children. It felt like a suicide of sorts. The hubby recalls those times and remembers knowing that I was irrational but also being saddened, hearing me talking about myself as if I were "subhuman."
The realities of my disease can be grim, but I must also remember that it is a manageable illness. Some diabetics struggle to accept the realities of their disease, attempt to live life as though they are "normal" and put themselves in the hospital with diabetic shock or ketoacidosis. This is just as true for me. I have been lulled into a false sense of security and let my disease degenerate into life threatening situations. That is something I can control.
On-going stability is something I can manage and improve, but sudden episodes may always be a threat. All the preparation in the world cannot safeguard one against the unpredictable. Just like a diabetic may be caught off-guard without insulin or in a situation where they miss meals, I can be caught off-guard by unfortunate circumstance and launched into a crisis. That is a risk that I must live with, I must accept. It is a permanent specter, a haunting fear that I must heed but not allow control over my life. Living from fear will not protect me from that which frightens me.
I cannot let fear affect my decision to have a family. Whether it is fear of my disease, failure, or simply fear of the unknown. It is physically, mentally, and emotionally impossible for me to cower and concede to fear. My brain tells me that it's reasonable, natural, hard-wired in me to want a family. My mind tells me that living from fear is wrong, that anything pursued with an open, honest, loving heart is a worthy pursuit. My physical being yearns for motherhood, contriving with my hormones and emotions a dastardly manipulative campaign, a siege on all my senses and sense!
So what does all this mean for me and my husband right now?
Well, since November I have been off hormonal birth control. We are using alternate birth control and not actively trying to conceive, but parenthood has come up more and more. Being planners, the hubby and I have devised financial and health goals with various benchmarks related to our parenthood plans but have found ourselves confronted with emotional challenges.
I recently confessed to my husband that as much as I understand and accept the reasonable plans and goals we've devised, I cannot conclusively postpone my desires. My being continuously returns to motherhood. Any logical argument or fact cannot distract me from these emotions. Trying to hide this seemingly irrational compulsion has been quiet torture. The hubby was at a loss and did some Googling after a particularly tearful discussion and discovered a helpful article online.
It wasn't completely relevant to us, but it made him realize that planning parenthood isn't as straightforward and clean cut as a business transaction. Trying to be responsible, smart, and cautious we neglected the heart of things. We shied away from the messy emotional stuff, the irrational and intangible. That sassy article gave him a new perspective and helped us broaden our conversation. It also opened our eyes to how complex the emotions of waiting to have kids can become.
Unfortunately, that opening affect also compromised an emotional dike I had built inside and I found myself going a little bonkers! Maybe hysterical is a better word than bonkers. I've found that accepting the feelings, reassuring myself that they will pass, and not trying to ignore them helps and thankfully the hubby is more understanding. We've also realized that intimacy is a little complicated by this. After a sobbing fit post-nookie a few days ago, I realized that when I'm craving conception the "just for fun" stuff becomes an emotional land mine.
We are surviving. Coping with my "baby crazy" is uncomfortable and complicated, but in light of our past emotional accomplishments and crisis management, we feel up to the challenge. I guess this is another example of how hormonal birth control affected me more than I thought, blunting the emotional and hormonal messages in my body it made "baby fever" more manageable!
The hubster and I have known that we want kids for as long as we can remember. While I went through a period in my teens/early twenties when I thought that I would be a crazy cat-lady spinster, deep down I have always held close my desire to be a mother. Part of our commitment to each other and of our marriage is becoming parents and making a family together. While we were dating, we weren't just looking for husband or wife material, we were looking for co-parent material.
Of course, when we met we had no idea what the future would hold for us and had no idea what my illness would put us through. During my lowest points and ongoing recovery, my husband has been the holder of our dreams. Not putting any pressure on me and my recovery, but protecting our shared goals and keeping his eyes on the prize. His dedication to our parenthood goals has given me a new perspective of "keeping the faith."
There have been moments, during the lowest times, when I contemplated permanent birth control. Abandoning my dreams of motherhood because of my illness, afraid of what my sickness could mean for potential children. It felt like a suicide of sorts. The hubby recalls those times and remembers knowing that I was irrational but also being saddened, hearing me talking about myself as if I were "subhuman."
The realities of my disease can be grim, but I must also remember that it is a manageable illness. Some diabetics struggle to accept the realities of their disease, attempt to live life as though they are "normal" and put themselves in the hospital with diabetic shock or ketoacidosis. This is just as true for me. I have been lulled into a false sense of security and let my disease degenerate into life threatening situations. That is something I can control.
On-going stability is something I can manage and improve, but sudden episodes may always be a threat. All the preparation in the world cannot safeguard one against the unpredictable. Just like a diabetic may be caught off-guard without insulin or in a situation where they miss meals, I can be caught off-guard by unfortunate circumstance and launched into a crisis. That is a risk that I must live with, I must accept. It is a permanent specter, a haunting fear that I must heed but not allow control over my life. Living from fear will not protect me from that which frightens me.
I cannot let fear affect my decision to have a family. Whether it is fear of my disease, failure, or simply fear of the unknown. It is physically, mentally, and emotionally impossible for me to cower and concede to fear. My brain tells me that it's reasonable, natural, hard-wired in me to want a family. My mind tells me that living from fear is wrong, that anything pursued with an open, honest, loving heart is a worthy pursuit. My physical being yearns for motherhood, contriving with my hormones and emotions a dastardly manipulative campaign, a siege on all my senses and sense!
So what does all this mean for me and my husband right now?
Well, since November I have been off hormonal birth control. We are using alternate birth control and not actively trying to conceive, but parenthood has come up more and more. Being planners, the hubby and I have devised financial and health goals with various benchmarks related to our parenthood plans but have found ourselves confronted with emotional challenges.
I recently confessed to my husband that as much as I understand and accept the reasonable plans and goals we've devised, I cannot conclusively postpone my desires. My being continuously returns to motherhood. Any logical argument or fact cannot distract me from these emotions. Trying to hide this seemingly irrational compulsion has been quiet torture. The hubby was at a loss and did some Googling after a particularly tearful discussion and discovered a helpful article online.
It wasn't completely relevant to us, but it made him realize that planning parenthood isn't as straightforward and clean cut as a business transaction. Trying to be responsible, smart, and cautious we neglected the heart of things. We shied away from the messy emotional stuff, the irrational and intangible. That sassy article gave him a new perspective and helped us broaden our conversation. It also opened our eyes to how complex the emotions of waiting to have kids can become.
Unfortunately, that opening affect also compromised an emotional dike I had built inside and I found myself going a little bonkers! Maybe hysterical is a better word than bonkers. I've found that accepting the feelings, reassuring myself that they will pass, and not trying to ignore them helps and thankfully the hubby is more understanding. We've also realized that intimacy is a little complicated by this. After a sobbing fit post-nookie a few days ago, I realized that when I'm craving conception the "just for fun" stuff becomes an emotional land mine.
We are surviving. Coping with my "baby crazy" is uncomfortable and complicated, but in light of our past emotional accomplishments and crisis management, we feel up to the challenge. I guess this is another example of how hormonal birth control affected me more than I thought, blunting the emotional and hormonal messages in my body it made "baby fever" more manageable!
Saturday, November 9, 2013
Change Of Pace
Tis the season for ornament work and I am feeling the adjustment period. I can't believe it's already been a year and that I was personalizing ornaments for over ten hours straight without losing my mind last season! This year I'm more aware of the breaking in period and feeling my tolerance grow while remaining aware of my self-care.
That said this past week wasn't a stellar example of personal responsibility. I was able to eat breakfast most days but failed to pack a lunch all week. I remembered a snack a couple of times and have been drinking water while I work, even calling it a day when I start feeling burnt out but before I go nuclear. I know things will only get busier, especially after Black Friday and Cyber Monday, so getting into a lunch habit now will help me prepare for the extra pressure.
 |
| Yes, those snowmen are making s'mores! |
That said this past week wasn't a stellar example of personal responsibility. I was able to eat breakfast most days but failed to pack a lunch all week. I remembered a snack a couple of times and have been drinking water while I work, even calling it a day when I start feeling burnt out but before I go nuclear. I know things will only get busier, especially after Black Friday and Cyber Monday, so getting into a lunch habit now will help me prepare for the extra pressure.
Goal set! Lunch everyday at least three times this next week.
Resuming a regular work schedule isn't the only change of pace, I've been adjusting to post-IUD life and tracking my waking temperature for a new type of birth control. So far I really enjoy it.
That's an odd thing to say about waking up around 5:00 am everyday to take your temperature, but I have a special affection for "mystery prizes" like quarter machine toys or concealed design mystery items, so having a different temperature every morning satisfies a weird gambling/surprise/mystery urge for me.
The whole "natural birth control" thing is really Fertility Awareness Method, a similar type of birth control to Natural Family Planning although unlike devout Catholics, we're allowed to use barrier methods in addition to tracking fertility. The basic gist involves tracking my waking temperature to monitor ovulation habits and my general menstrual cycle habits as well as tracking cervical fluid to calculate potential fertility and in turn likelihood of pregnancy.
My DO didn't have a lot of positive things to say about the practice, which I can understand. Every type of birth control has its limitations. For FAM to be effective users have to utilize sympto-thermal tracking and practice discipline when planning unprotected sex. Adding condoms to the mix improves effectiveness.
As it is, we're on a condom regimen until we've had a few successful months of tracking and gained confidence in the FAM rules and methods. We just have to wait and see if this technique will work for us and if the non-hormonal birth control really improves my mood.
So far I've felt great! I don't think that can be wholly attributed to the IUD removal, but I don't think it hurts. Time will tell.
And I don't necessarily think my crying episode after sex earlier this week was a negative thing... Just out of the ordinary. We think it was hormones.
Yikes! It was not pretty crying either, totally out of my control and my face contorted into a half-laughing, half-sobbing look that was pretty confusing for my poor husband. Not that I had a total grasp of the situation either.
I think part of it was me feeling guilty about changing up our birth control situation and placing more responsibility on the hubby. An IUD is pretty carefree as far as birth control goes! The hubster reassured me that he was supportive and that we are working together to manage our fertility. He even mentioned some positive changes in my mood since the removal. I felt better, I felt encouraged, and hopefully next time I won't end up sobbing!
As I said, time will tell.
In other news, the battle of the flea-splosion continues and we aren't exactly happy with the effectiveness of our flea treatments so far. Topical ointment and flea baths for the animals and still flea hitchhikers are being dropped all over the apartment. Looks like a second round of baths is coming our way and I'm not looking forward to it.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Feeling Changes
Today I was at my ornament gig personalizing ornaments and realized something wonderful.
I was sitting next to a scalpel and NOT concerned with it at all. Not a glimmer of self-harm on my horizon.
In past ornament seasons I've felt myself tempted by potentially harmful objects, my mind drawn to the possibility of self-harm. Sometimes I would wonder, "Do they have any idea how bad off I am right now? How can they trust me with this?" But today I recognized a change in this behavior, and I'm so happy.
I may not be totally out of the woods, but it's important to recognize positive changes. I know that the next couple months will be trying for me, exhausting and stressful, but I seem to be at a better starting place this year. I've even said "No" to personalizing beyond my personal wellness already, and hope to continue the practice! That's not to say I won't stay at work until 2:00 am again this year, but I'll try to take better care of myself and set limits.
In other news, the temperature tracking for FAM has been going well. I'm not sure if I'm experiencing a true period or if it's just a withdrawal from the progesterone, but so far that's going well too. Although I have been really focused on mac 'n cheese lately... and chocolate. Hmm. ;)
Iroh, Millie, and Fio are all recovering from flea treatment baths and we've been vacuuming the house trying to eradicate the last few visitors. So far we've avoided a major breakout but boy, this warmer fall weather really snuck those flea-bastards up on us. Thanks Mother Nature.
I was sitting next to a scalpel and NOT concerned with it at all. Not a glimmer of self-harm on my horizon.
In past ornament seasons I've felt myself tempted by potentially harmful objects, my mind drawn to the possibility of self-harm. Sometimes I would wonder, "Do they have any idea how bad off I am right now? How can they trust me with this?" But today I recognized a change in this behavior, and I'm so happy.
I may not be totally out of the woods, but it's important to recognize positive changes. I know that the next couple months will be trying for me, exhausting and stressful, but I seem to be at a better starting place this year. I've even said "No" to personalizing beyond my personal wellness already, and hope to continue the practice! That's not to say I won't stay at work until 2:00 am again this year, but I'll try to take better care of myself and set limits.
In other news, the temperature tracking for FAM has been going well. I'm not sure if I'm experiencing a true period or if it's just a withdrawal from the progesterone, but so far that's going well too. Although I have been really focused on mac 'n cheese lately... and chocolate. Hmm. ;)
Iroh, Millie, and Fio are all recovering from flea treatment baths and we've been vacuuming the house trying to eradicate the last few visitors. So far we've avoided a major breakout but boy, this warmer fall weather really snuck those flea-bastards up on us. Thanks Mother Nature.
Friday, November 1, 2013
Friday Roller Coaster
Today was my IUD removal and while the procedure itself wasn't noteworthy, the experience and my reaction is worth mentioning.
My appointment was at 10:00 am and I really didn't want to get out of bed. Mostly because I slept better those few hours after the hubby left than I have all week! While I didn't eat a good breakfast (munched a piece of dry toast) I did feed and pill the cats, feed and poop the dog, and remember to down a few ibuprofen before the appointment-just in case.
The wait was usual, about ten minutes past my appointment time. Of course, they had me wait nearly another ten minutes after I had undressed from the waist down. So nice how they request you get indecent and then make you wait around, awkwardly bare-ass on the paper lined exam table with a perfectly proportioned-to-be-useless scrap of drape.
I was happy to see the same nurse I had last time. She was cheerful and witty and generally pleasant. My DO on the other hand seemed skeptical with a veneer of supportive doctor. Not exactly the type of supportive provider I'm used to having.
Before the procedure the DO chatted a bit, made sure I was ready to go type of thing. She mentioned some of her colleagues had seen positive changes for their patients after removing hormonal birth control from their systems, that even the low doses of progesterone had affected their moods. But the main gist of her spiel was Natural Family Planning, Fertility Awareness Method or any other sympto-thermal birth control is basically playing with a loaded gun.
I suppose if I said we were planning to augment our natural birth control with barrier methods she would've been appeased, but I just didn't feel like saying the word "condoms." She on the other hand kept coming back to it and I felt like a teenager being scared off sex by the threat of unplanned pregnancies.
While she said some supportive things, the overall feeling I got was she expected me back with an unplanned pregnancy very soon. Not exactly what I would call supportive.
Anyways, the procedure was seamless. No signs that my device was embedded at all. All I felt was the usual speculum ratcheting and a little crampy traction as she pulled the IUD out by it's strings with forceps. Nothing worse than an annual exam when they tickle your cervix with the fuzzy tipped tools and spatulas.
I remember her parting words tinged with warning, almost like a schoolmarm shaking her finger at the kiddies playing rough at recess, "You are fertile as of today."
I don't doubt that I made the right decision. I feel better already knowing that my uterus is unoccupied and while I'm a little nervous about the increased risk of unplanned pregnancy I'm excited to be hormone free. But the doctor's words and attitude, intended or not, greatly affected me and my mood, sending me on an emotional roller coaster after my appointment.
At first I was simply befuddled. I was happy, already feeling better noticing my nearly daily cramps subsiding but also angry and frustrated, hurt by my doctor's words and confused at my reaction. I felt insulted, I felt scared, I felt doubt and doubted.
Poor hubby, he walked in home from work and became a lightning rod for all my turbulent emotions. He played his cards right and got me out on a walk, historically a tried and true method for rooting out problems and getting me talking. By the time we showered I had ranted and raged to a point when I began to get a grip on my thoughts.
Unfortunately part of my process involved snapping at the hubster like a handful of Snap-n-Pops and eventually I burrowed into a pile of blankets to finish reflecting on my own and eased into a lovely afternoon nap.
Here's what I came up with.
I think I'm in the midst of a big "growing up" phase and still learning to make my own decisions and take responsibility for my own actions. I first started taking oral contraceptives at my mother's bidding (from what I remember I was 15 1/2 or 16) in order to rein in my heavy flow. I don't regret taking those pills or hold it against my mom for putting me on them, but I don't think it was really my decision. I don't think I was mature or educated enough to make that decision at 16.
Without me knowing it, decided to have my IUD removed and having the procedure done brought back those teenage memories. The doctor's skeptical words triggered my insecurities and I fell into an eddy of self-doubt and anxiety. Years of following Mom's orders (spoken and implied) has insulated me from consequences and ownership. Today marked the beginning of a new era.
I'm going against my indoctrination, society's message that smart, modern women use birth control and have careers while babies are a secondary goal relegated to your thirties, after you've polished a cookie cutter home to Better Homes and Gardens standards. That message has been floating around in my psyche for years and the birth control pills I started taking as a teenager just reinforced the programming.
Brene Brown's books are a good resource when hashing out these internal schemas. She mentions something along the lines that once our minds form certain beliefs, they begin interpreting the world in a way to support those beliefs, good or bad. Well, getting this IUD removed and going "granola" AKA hormone-free goes against what I've lived towards for many years.
I'm on the cusp of releasing those old beliefs and creating my own world. Without trust, faith, and confidence in myself it sure makes for a rough transition! The doctor's doubts spoke to my own insecurities and set my panic center into overdrive. I'm the only one who knows what's best for me and it's my responsibility to myself to do what's in my best interest and advocate for my rights to do so.
But boy, this path comes with some tall hurdles! I have to process the anger and betrayal I feel toward myself, my family, and my society. I need to cultivate and protect my self-trust, self-respect, self-confidence, and self-esteem. I need to develop coping techniques to process judgement and doubt, from internal and external sources.
A lot of changes on the horizon, and I'm not just talking about my uterus. ;)
My appointment was at 10:00 am and I really didn't want to get out of bed. Mostly because I slept better those few hours after the hubby left than I have all week! While I didn't eat a good breakfast (munched a piece of dry toast) I did feed and pill the cats, feed and poop the dog, and remember to down a few ibuprofen before the appointment-just in case.
The wait was usual, about ten minutes past my appointment time. Of course, they had me wait nearly another ten minutes after I had undressed from the waist down. So nice how they request you get indecent and then make you wait around, awkwardly bare-ass on the paper lined exam table with a perfectly proportioned-to-be-useless scrap of drape.
I was happy to see the same nurse I had last time. She was cheerful and witty and generally pleasant. My DO on the other hand seemed skeptical with a veneer of supportive doctor. Not exactly the type of supportive provider I'm used to having.
I suppose if I said we were planning to augment our natural birth control with barrier methods she would've been appeased, but I just didn't feel like saying the word "condoms." She on the other hand kept coming back to it and I felt like a teenager being scared off sex by the threat of unplanned pregnancies.
While she said some supportive things, the overall feeling I got was she expected me back with an unplanned pregnancy very soon. Not exactly what I would call supportive.
Anyways, the procedure was seamless. No signs that my device was embedded at all. All I felt was the usual speculum ratcheting and a little crampy traction as she pulled the IUD out by it's strings with forceps. Nothing worse than an annual exam when they tickle your cervix with the fuzzy tipped tools and spatulas.
I remember her parting words tinged with warning, almost like a schoolmarm shaking her finger at the kiddies playing rough at recess, "You are fertile as of today."
I don't doubt that I made the right decision. I feel better already knowing that my uterus is unoccupied and while I'm a little nervous about the increased risk of unplanned pregnancy I'm excited to be hormone free. But the doctor's words and attitude, intended or not, greatly affected me and my mood, sending me on an emotional roller coaster after my appointment.
At first I was simply befuddled. I was happy, already feeling better noticing my nearly daily cramps subsiding but also angry and frustrated, hurt by my doctor's words and confused at my reaction. I felt insulted, I felt scared, I felt doubt and doubted.
Poor hubby, he walked in home from work and became a lightning rod for all my turbulent emotions. He played his cards right and got me out on a walk, historically a tried and true method for rooting out problems and getting me talking. By the time we showered I had ranted and raged to a point when I began to get a grip on my thoughts.
Unfortunately part of my process involved snapping at the hubster like a handful of Snap-n-Pops and eventually I burrowed into a pile of blankets to finish reflecting on my own and eased into a lovely afternoon nap.Here's what I came up with.
I think I'm in the midst of a big "growing up" phase and still learning to make my own decisions and take responsibility for my own actions. I first started taking oral contraceptives at my mother's bidding (from what I remember I was 15 1/2 or 16) in order to rein in my heavy flow. I don't regret taking those pills or hold it against my mom for putting me on them, but I don't think it was really my decision. I don't think I was mature or educated enough to make that decision at 16.
Without me knowing it, decided to have my IUD removed and having the procedure done brought back those teenage memories. The doctor's skeptical words triggered my insecurities and I fell into an eddy of self-doubt and anxiety. Years of following Mom's orders (spoken and implied) has insulated me from consequences and ownership. Today marked the beginning of a new era.
I'm going against my indoctrination, society's message that smart, modern women use birth control and have careers while babies are a secondary goal relegated to your thirties, after you've polished a cookie cutter home to Better Homes and Gardens standards. That message has been floating around in my psyche for years and the birth control pills I started taking as a teenager just reinforced the programming.
 |
| NYMag.com article photo. Sure, I'm pro gender equality, but I hate the pressure I feel to "wear the pants" to do right by women's lib instead of doing what's right for me, whatever gender role my dreams may fit! |
I'm on the cusp of releasing those old beliefs and creating my own world. Without trust, faith, and confidence in myself it sure makes for a rough transition! The doctor's doubts spoke to my own insecurities and set my panic center into overdrive. I'm the only one who knows what's best for me and it's my responsibility to myself to do what's in my best interest and advocate for my rights to do so.
But boy, this path comes with some tall hurdles! I have to process the anger and betrayal I feel toward myself, my family, and my society. I need to cultivate and protect my self-trust, self-respect, self-confidence, and self-esteem. I need to develop coping techniques to process judgement and doubt, from internal and external sources.
A lot of changes on the horizon, and I'm not just talking about my uterus. ;)
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Wellness Update
Had a check-up with DO last Friday and had to do some lab work for my thyroid. She lowered my dose a little bit and recommended I get back to taking my Vitamin D daily to help with my eye twitch.
Yeah, I got an eye twitch. It seemed to back off when I neglected to take my thyroid pill daily, so I was kind of self-medicating by not medicating, if that makes sense. Now I'm going to try and get back on top of taking pills and supplements and vitamins AND tracking my waking temperature and other stuff for a new form of au naturale birth control.
Yep. Big changes on the horizon. I'm freaking out now that we're starting to initiate birth control change procedures, but also excited for the change.
Changing up birth control is a big deal, especially when you're in a relationship. It's not just about my uterus! I have to consider the hubster's feelings and while he's apprehensive he's also hoping for some positive changes in my mood. When we first got together I was on OCPs and he had no idea when my cycle hit, nowadays he sees it coming before I realize I'm PMSing-so I guess the IUD has affected my period whether I knew it or not!
The main reason I'm getting the IUD removed and opting for non-hormonal, non-invasive birth control is my mood and overall health. But there is no guarantee what this will do if anything. No providers have offered up much commentary on my correlation between my depression and hormonal birth control (they both started up about the same time for me). Sure, it might not be related, but I can't drop it until I find out for sure. Enter, Fertility Awareness Method a la non-hormonal birth control.
Since I've become more interested in natural remedies and Eastern Medicine I've also become more interested in my natural cycle. From what I remember it isn't pleasant. Let's just say some women's Aunt Flos are skinny, whispers of womanhood while others are super obese. Unfortunately, mine is the latter. Oh the memories of traumatic teenage embarrassment!
But in the interest of holistic wellness and a more natural attempt at healthy living rather than psychoactive, I will bear whatever aunt comes a-knockin. With the assistance of Costco and my favorite feminine hygiene products, I'm sure. You would not believe the drastic effects of an IUD on a woman's flow, I'm talking next to nothing. They're probably come out with self-unwrapping pads by now and I wouldn't know it! Haven't had to bother shopping for 'em!
Also had some developing news regarding the insurance debacle earlier this summer. I had gone cold turkey not seeing any providers this summer and just the past couple weeks have heard back from those providers about becoming covered under the current insurance. Well, it's going to change again in January. Seriously.
I've been doing pretty well and won't be resuming my weekly check-ups by any means but I did feel good about making an appointment with my therapist for November. It will mean a complete restart but I think I'm in a different place, so starting over won't be a bad thing. Definitely need to work on anxiety crapola though! Me after a meet 'n greet is such a downer, even when I get hired! Crazy!
In other news, the household (well the furry members) are enduring a late-fall flea outbreak caused by the warmer weather here in the PNW. We've medicated and are in the process of extra cleaning and bed washes. The cats have oily treatment slicks between their shoulders and Fio is getting Benadryl to ward off the obnoxious itching fits. Yay family fun. Not.
I also started a Twitter account. We'll see how that goes! I got one of them fancy "buttons" added to the blog sidebar if anyone wants to follow and see what comes up day-to-day in Hannahland.
Yeah, I got an eye twitch. It seemed to back off when I neglected to take my thyroid pill daily, so I was kind of self-medicating by not medicating, if that makes sense. Now I'm going to try and get back on top of taking pills and supplements and vitamins AND tracking my waking temperature and other stuff for a new form of au naturale birth control.
Yep. Big changes on the horizon. I'm freaking out now that we're starting to initiate birth control change procedures, but also excited for the change.
Changing up birth control is a big deal, especially when you're in a relationship. It's not just about my uterus! I have to consider the hubster's feelings and while he's apprehensive he's also hoping for some positive changes in my mood. When we first got together I was on OCPs and he had no idea when my cycle hit, nowadays he sees it coming before I realize I'm PMSing-so I guess the IUD has affected my period whether I knew it or not!
The main reason I'm getting the IUD removed and opting for non-hormonal, non-invasive birth control is my mood and overall health. But there is no guarantee what this will do if anything. No providers have offered up much commentary on my correlation between my depression and hormonal birth control (they both started up about the same time for me). Sure, it might not be related, but I can't drop it until I find out for sure. Enter, Fertility Awareness Method a la non-hormonal birth control.
Since I've become more interested in natural remedies and Eastern Medicine I've also become more interested in my natural cycle. From what I remember it isn't pleasant. Let's just say some women's Aunt Flos are skinny, whispers of womanhood while others are super obese. Unfortunately, mine is the latter. Oh the memories of traumatic teenage embarrassment!
But in the interest of holistic wellness and a more natural attempt at healthy living rather than psychoactive, I will bear whatever aunt comes a-knockin. With the assistance of Costco and my favorite feminine hygiene products, I'm sure. You would not believe the drastic effects of an IUD on a woman's flow, I'm talking next to nothing. They're probably come out with self-unwrapping pads by now and I wouldn't know it! Haven't had to bother shopping for 'em!
Also had some developing news regarding the insurance debacle earlier this summer. I had gone cold turkey not seeing any providers this summer and just the past couple weeks have heard back from those providers about becoming covered under the current insurance. Well, it's going to change again in January. Seriously.
I've been doing pretty well and won't be resuming my weekly check-ups by any means but I did feel good about making an appointment with my therapist for November. It will mean a complete restart but I think I'm in a different place, so starting over won't be a bad thing. Definitely need to work on anxiety crapola though! Me after a meet 'n greet is such a downer, even when I get hired! Crazy!
In other news, the household (well the furry members) are enduring a late-fall flea outbreak caused by the warmer weather here in the PNW. We've medicated and are in the process of extra cleaning and bed washes. The cats have oily treatment slicks between their shoulders and Fio is getting Benadryl to ward off the obnoxious itching fits. Yay family fun. Not.
I also started a Twitter account. We'll see how that goes! I got one of them fancy "buttons" added to the blog sidebar if anyone wants to follow and see what comes up day-to-day in Hannahland.
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