Wading.

It's my second week of observing in high school English classes for my Master's in Teaching.

I started out nervous yet hopeful and I thought that I was holding up pretty well that first week. 

Then Tuesday I found myself thinking, "Is it Friday yet?"

Wednesday my body started weakening.

Thursday I didn't give a damn. I came home and did as little as possible. Puzzles and "The Golden Girls," a heating pad and some tea that evening. No dishes were being done, no niceties exchanged with the hubbo. I was spent.

Then Saturday came some redemption for the week. I participated in my first CrossFit competition. It's been less than I year since I started doing CrossFit and for whatever reason I couldn't get this competition out of my mind and I registered way back when. Way back before this most recent hospital visit. Way back before I felt truly discouraged about the nerve pain and weakness in my arms. Yet, somehow, Saturday was fun. And meaningful. I did something! I did something daring and strange and memorable!

My coach nags me about closing my eyes (Exhibit A)
It's a coping technique of mine.

He says closing my eyes is dangerous (Exhibit B)
And has scared the shit out of me unintentionally multiple times.

Sunday came the deload and wobbles anew.

Saturday was a rush-an all day frenzy of a packed schedule and friends and chatting and cheering. Sunday was so quiet and slow. All the stress of my week and the stark contrast to the day before set me off balancein a way I hadn't felt in a while. It wasn't sneaky, it was unnerving and pervasive. I couldn't decide if I had eaten something bad (nausea) or if I had exerted myself somehow (racing heart) or if I had been exposed to something sad (being on the edge of tears). 

Eventually I took some medication to try and alleviate the anxiety. The sadness I couldn't quite break. It felt like a chunk of coal in my chest and I knew that I needed to cry to break it down. When the hubster left for his man-date that evening, the wall finally collapsed. I was sobbing over spaghetti sauce. Stirring slowly as steam and heat blended with my blushed cheeks and warm tears.

That night I didn't wait up. I didn't kiss goodnight or chat until sleep came. My body was locking up and the few words I managed seemed to break the hubster's heart. I felt utterly ashamed and somehow he felt guilty.

I knew the challenges of pursuing another degree and what it could do to me. I knew that starting observation hours was going to be a big undertaking, especially with a hospitalization just a few months back. It didn't matter. I cracked. I was crumbling. I felt ashamed and didn't want to ask for help; still clinging to health enough to recognize that I needed to ask, to troubleshoot and get on top of things before it got worse.

I'm still in that troubleshotting phase. I'm trying to take it easy on myself and avert complete relapse. 

It feels like I'm wading. A slow tiptoe through a familiar yet obscured stream of events. I can't see exactly what's coming; the slippery surface below feeling new despite the many times I've crossed. The cold water and that steady, unended flow un unfriendly though calm sort of familiar.

Baby steps.

---

Many thanks and fond thoughts to those readers checking up on me! I will try and take a read-about your blogs once I get my schooling for this term wrapped up and my health on track. <3

Hi Again

It's been awhile. Life has been whirling and I've been day-to-day, focusing on staying steady.

Feels strange to be on this screen again... familiar and yet not quite cozy. I'm going to try something a little different and we'll see what happens as I write this update!


A) AMBIGUITY - This is always a part of life and lately I've had a few scenarios in which I have had to mindfully accept ambiguity.

One has to do with CrossFit and a coach there. I have been experiencing anxiety wondering if she will be at the gym or if she will punish us before class or say something mean or look at me in that uniquely punitive and demeaning fashion.

That's my safe space and it's being threatened. I am not sure if she is simply going through a rough time (and even so I'm not sure if I can manage to empathize enough to counter balance my distress) or if this is just how she is going to be. I have considered trying other class times but fear losing connection with my new friends... we shall see.

Another case of ambiguity relates to my husband's family. There has been conflict between the siblings on-and-off for years. At the moment there seems to be a flare up regarding his brother. We had a good visit with him and his daughter and plan to maintain a neutral position while the sisters muster their forces.

There had been plans for the entire family to get together this Christmas. Now that's in the air. I don't like ambiguity with big holidays or events, so I hope it gets ironed out soon regardless of the plan-I just need to know!


B) BRIGHT EYES - I got some good news!

I have applied for grad school in order to obtain a Master's in Teaching-English. I didn't realize at the time that my individual classes would be evaluated and that my degree all by itself wasn't a golden ticket! When the enrollment counselor mentioned this I was very anxious to see if my classes would meet prerequisite requirements and whether or not I would have many courses to complete before my program classwork could commence.

Well, the evaluation came back and I was only short three requirements. I submitted course descriptions and syllabi and got two of those classes applied as well! All that remains is a public communications class because I decided to take "Interpersonal Communication" during high school instead of a 101 class...

Whatever. I am quite pleased! My hope of beginning the program before the year still glimmers... with a self-paced class I should be able to bang out that public speaking credit pretty durn quick.


C) CONFLICT - While things have simmered a bit in regards to my living situation, there has been increased tension between my folks.

It seems to be cooling a bit now. Last week it was more troublesome. My mother usually stuffs her frustrations with  my father and his consistent absence and neglect. Every once in a while she will boil over and this time that meant bickering with my dad as well as snapping at my sister and generally losing her cool.

The conflict is stressful for me even if I'm not directly involved. As far as tension with the hubs and I directly, things have been pretty quiet. We gave notice and have a moving date and I think everyone has just been biding their time. Awkward at times, but better overall.


D) DAGNABBIT - I am still navigating injuries. My shoulder and some wee tendons/muscles in my upper arm are bothering me on my right side. My right ankle is still healing up. My left shoulder/arm are still bothering me in regards to my thoracic outlet syndrome (numbness, tingling, weakness). I am also quite tense in my chest and shoulders which means icing and heating pad and stretching and... ugh. It's one thing dialing it down at gym, it's another when just LIVING is a challenge and uncomfy/painful.

Another dagnabbit... had a panic attack today. Damn box jumps. Wasn't completely awful. Couple minutes running cold water over my wrists and splashing my face, mindful breathing, and censoring judgments helped get me back to right.


Well. I have to get ready for my occupational therapy appointment now. I hope that I can make more time for blogging and not only read and comment but post more too! It's... it's good. Need to get back on this horse!

Thanks for being here readers-TTFN :o)

Identities

I'm sure I've written about this before here. It comes up rather often for me, so it may just be a recurring theme in my life! As the hubster just comforted me, "It's the BPD. You have identity issues." That's okay.

So.

This morning as the hubster, Baby Bananaface, and I were eating brekkie we overheard my sister talking to her baby daddy about their mutual birthday gift idea for my nephew. He'll be turning two this fall and they've decided to go in on a motorized miniature Humvee for him. Not our style or something we see as appropriate for a child that age (or even BB's age).

Shortly thereafter I was in the shower and found myself playing out a scene in my head. It got me wondering if my sister sees our different parenting styles in a competitive light. I hope this isn't so as much as I struggle with insecurity and competitiveness, so I understand how she might feel.

The competitive conflict triggered my identity insecurities. While the initial trigger was related to parenting styles, I found myself thinking about my labels. I have embodied a klutzy fat girl persona for so many years it seems as much a part of me as my "Eeyore" identity in my family.

These labels, these judgments, stem from comparison and either/or thinking. In my case, the teasing and criticism over the years has reinforced and amplified these issues; I believe it's a symptom of my family's insecurities...

I've been seeing it come up at my gym among other places. Living with my family has made it extremely hard to avoid backsliding into those negative cycles and cowing to their teasing. I know part of me is my humor, there are more and more times of late when it comes up as a defense mechanism. Being around my family has made me slip back into my klutzy, fat girl routine. Even if I don't finish last or lift the lightest weight, I feel like the CrossFit caboose. I play down my abilities, doubt myself, and get caught up in chronic comparisons.

The constant internal critiquing is exhausting and debilitating. I had made a lot of progress with my self-confidence the past several months before moving here. Lately, it's been hard to stay comfortable in my body and appreciate the changes since I started working out.

My family may be varsity athletes, collegiate-level athletes, and nationally ranked athletes. That doesn't mean that I can't be athletic too.

I suffer from chronic depressive episodes. That doesn't mean that I can't be a happy person.

I carry extra weight. That doesn't mean that I have to ashamed and self-conscious.

There are so many negative habits from my first family that I have to fight back. These are just some of those habits that have become tangled up in my disorders.

It can be so confusing and destabilizing! No wonder I have to write it out from time to time ;o)


Wishing everyone a happy weekend! As far as my health status of late, I've been feeling much safer although the hubs and I keenly aware of my fragile status and susceptibility right now. We've been working in more time out of the house and avoiding triggers. Our backup plan involves me moving in my in-laws for a bit if things get dangerous again.

<3

About a year ago now...

This time last year I started to go to the gym and began working up to my new gym regimen and lifestyle change.

I took a little gander at some of the posts from back then and it made me appreciate how far I've come since then. The changes are more than just muscles and weight, there are so many emotional and mental changes too!

Here's some pics:

I had come a long way from my darkest days last spring and at the same time I was still in a rough place. It was, after all, around that time I had my attempt. I think this past year has been when I've really reached a healthier, safer place---a place where I can say "remission" and truly believe I've reached a good point in recovery regarding my postpartum depression.

It's still a daily battle maintaining good health and emotional stability. I feel much more capable and skilled when it comes to wellness than I did then!

Thank you all for your continued support! Looking back helps me appreciate even more all the people that have been by my side during these tough times as well as my own hard work. Generally it ain't good for me to dwell in the past... sometimes it's good to make a little visit though ;o)

Baby steps. One day at a time. Onward and upward!

Standards

I have shared here before about the hubster's 51%-er philosophy and I've seen it coming up a lot lately as I break into my new CrossFit routine.

The philosophy refers to a typical pass/fail standard; 51% or better is passing. As I've lived most of my life with a 98% or better point of view, trying to adopt the 51%-er perspective is quite difficult! It does offer more opportunities for me to build my self-worth and nurture better self-esteem.

Looking back on my life, I have recognized that a lot of my misery originated from my 98%-er attitude. I was frequently disappointed in myself when I didn't meet my personal standard or expectations put before me. When I did excel or achieve something specific, often it was never quite enough. I think that if I had been better equipped to appreciate my efforts I would've been much happier and healthier.

I can't really go back and change my past. I certainly try to adjust my opinions whenever I happen upon a feeling of disappointment. For instance, when I was recently talking with a friend I described how I graduated high school with an AA and a GPA of 3.98, then earned my BA when I was 20 with a GPA of 3.57. Despite earning my degrees "early" and with higher-than-average grades, I struggle with feelings of disappointment and shame. Why couldn't I have graduated with 4.0s? Why didn't I plan ahead for a specific career and better prepare myself for entering the workforce when I graduated college? Why didn't I apply for a MA program and pursue my desires to teach and edit?

I could dissect this all day! I no longer see that as very effective. Analysis doesn't necessarily help me move forward and improve my quality of life. Instead, I try to embrace the 51%-er lifestyle.

Qualifying life experiences by percentages isn't always easy or clear or appropriate. With my academic history I feel comfortable saying that I did 51% or better. As far as my "career," I'm less confident in claiming a 51% or better "grade" although I'm not homeless, so I'll say "good enough." No need to feel shame (not that failing deserves shame either).

If I ever do go back to school I know that I'll do my best and strive for high marks. Nowadays, I'm not gonna punish myself and chip away at my self-worth if I don't get a 4.0. It's not worth it and it ain't a 51%-er way of lookin' at things ;o)

ANYWAYS. Back to CrossFit.

It's tough. It's new. It's meant to always challenge you to venture out of your comfort zones. It's meant to make you fail.

Failure isn't something I'm very comfortable with! As a historically 98%-er type o' gal, failure is feared and a one-way ticket to crumbling self-worth and eroding self-esteem. Now, as I try to embrace a 51%-er perspective, I am coming to view failure as an opportunity to build resiliency and learn. Not only is this a good way to progress in CrossFit, it's a healthier way to progress in life.

I used to think that life was something you could fail. That enough failures would ultimately confirm my worthlessness and strip me of any right to partake in life. Now? Not so much. Now I see failure as a natural and essential part of life. There is no limit on how many times you can fail. The important part is to keep trying.

That said. I will go to the thoroughly intimidating workout tomorrow and do my damnedest. 51% or better and I'll be thrilled ;o)


Happy Memorial Day to my American compatriots and happy weekend to everyone!

THE SUNNNNNNNN!!!!! (Yay/Yikes)

Happy/Sad Days

Last week I got to graduate from my DBT therapy. Wednesday the 1st was my last group night and Tuesday the 7th was my last individual meeting. I can still contact my therapist if I need help or need a random session. Still, it was a goodbye rather than a "see ya later."

Saying goodbye to my classmates was more emotional than I expected. I knew that I would cry, I just didn't expect to be sniffling and stuttering and seal-barking hardcore crying like I was!


For DBT graduation we each hold a seashell and share our thoughts and goodbyes to each graduate before they get to hold the shell and give their goodbyes to the class. I started crying while people gave me their goodbyes and when I started into mine the dam really broke. Before I even addressed the class I gave them all individual cards and handed the instructor my bin of "special prizes" for the weeks when they get double homework or when they get to play Jeopardy for module reviews. It was a good feeling.

I got so many great compliments. People spoke about how different I am now compared to when I first started. I don't slump and mumble anymore. My shoulders are back and I'm a beaming light and I take up the whole room with my laugh-it was so sweet. They talk about how supportive and friendly I am. How hard I've worked at the skills. How different class will be without me.

My therapists each called me a "community maker." That meant a lot to me. For so long I've battled loneliness and felt so isolated. Now I initiate conversations with acquaintances and strangers. I reach out and don't worry about reciprocation. I'm not paralyzed by fear anymore. I'm me. Take it or leave it.


My individual therapist also talked about how much has changed over the past year. How she was really worried about me being able to do DBT with my history of ECT. When I started DBT I was still doing ECT. She said that they'd never encountered anyone who had done ECT that could effectively learn DBT-until me. She called me an anomaly. Special. It was magical. I felt like a diamond. It meant so much to have someone point out just how much I've battled through. How I've beat the odds.

I'm a success story. I want to stay a success story. One day a time.


We have done so much trying to get me back to good since Baby Bananaface was born. Medications, therapies, inpatient, outpatient, ECT, TMS, DBT, exercise. The medications have been a part of my recovery, sure, though I really feel like the DBT and my gym routine are what saved me.

For my birthday I got to share my thanks with my gym instructors and last week I got to share my thanks with my DBT community. I'm so happy that I'm in a place where I can share like that as well as acknowledge how far I've come.


Whew. So many emotions! Anywho. That happened. :o)

Bumpy and Confusing

No, I'm not talking about a skin condition! I'm talking about a few of my days this week being bumpy and confusing.

It all started out with a bit of snit between me and the hubby. He was hangry and I was feeling confrontational. It was a little fun arguing (we don't do that very often) but it was also out of my comfort zone. It's difficult for me to argue without taking things personally and exacerbating insecurities. We worked through things but I was left shaken and off balance.

The next day was rough for me. I started noticing my mood sliding and negative self talk flaring up. The hubs and I talked more and tried to work through it but I was down. No question about it. The confusing part? I was down without being bottomed out. It was a feeling bad without feeling suicidal, hopeless, or having the urges to harm myself-it was a more normal down. I had a bad day without having a crisis!

In a way it was good to be able to just feel bad and not feel in crisis, but it was definitely odd and confusing for me. I took things a bit easier and tried to simply experience the emotions without overthinking and worrying about a relapse. It was tough, a little scary, but I made it.

I remembered to use my DBT skills along the way. Even reached out to a gym instructor to help battle back some of the negative self talk I was experiencing. (I was beating myself up for my chunky legs and not having perfect form or working the right muscle groups 100% of the time-classic Hannah hating on Hannah/perfectionism stuff)  It really helped hearing that I'm doing a good job and it was also really helpful to connect with someone instead of feeding feelings of not belonging and isolating like I was inclined to do.

So here I am Friday after a few rough days feeling like I'm coming outta the woods with a new victory to add to my books. I can have bad days without it being a crisis, or dangerous. I can experience emotions without things getting out of control! It's okay to take it easy sometimes and let things work out.

I can.

Booyeah!


In other news, it's been way cold and icy here. I'm over all the windshield scraping and slick parking lots! We don't usually have this many days below freezing and it's getting old! It's not normal for 40 degrees to feel warm, at least in our neighborhood.


Wishing everyone a happy and pleasantly warm weekend :o)

Cuteness!

This afternoon I picked up Baby Bananaface from daycare like the usual, but we had a special moment of uber cuteness...

He seemed to be looking across the street so I followed his gaze and saw a fluffy, labrador-sized, blonde dog hanging out in a fenced yard.

BB babbled, "Da, da," and continued to point.

"Yes! Dog!" I encouraged and smiled.

I whistled at the dog and it came to the fence and looked at us-even barked at us! BB responded with a big smile and more pointing. I asked him to wave hello to the dog and he did! More pointing, smiling, "Da, da," and joy followed. We even made "woof, woof" sounds to the dog.

It was a wonderful moment :o)




In other news, I've been doing chores around the house, preparing for my class to start on Monday, and hitting up the gym for my regular classes and some new ones. I'm trying to push myself a little more at the gym and it feels really good to get those sore muscles going again. It also feels good to be cooking for my hubby and baby, getting back on top of my household chores, and making the most of my days.

One step at a time sure gets ya places, I tell ya what!

Reflection

I've been concentrating a lot on focusing my attention on the now and participating fully in the moment to help maintain my mood and well-being through the tumultuous holiday rush, but as New Year's nears I find myself looking back...

It's been quite a year. 2016 wasn't an easy one, that's for sure!

**I've plugged in some random photo highlights that may or may not correlate to my text, but I hope you enjoy them!

Thinking back to last January, I was in the hospital. According to my blog I went to my aunt's memorial, but I can't remember because of all the ECT treatments. For a good chunk of time I was doing so much ECT that I wasn't allowed to drive.

For a big part of the year I wasn't able to be alone with Baby Bananaface. It was too overwhelming or didn't feel safe.

For a while the hubster confiscated my tweezers because I was having a hard time controlling my urges to self harm.

In the spring I tried to kill myself.

Another chunk of my year was dedicated to TMS treatments multiple times a week. Throughout it all I've been on and off more drugs than I can name trying to find a mood stabilizer that'll work for me. To top it off I had those seizures and got diagnosed with a seizure disorder and got a prescription goin' for that...

There's been a lot between those headliners, including countless tears and hugs and kisses and fears shared between me and the hubster. Nights and days where I didn't feel safe. When I wasn't sure if I'd make it to the next day. When I didn't believe that I could ever find happiness or stability again.

Thankfully, things are changing. I have come far enough now that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have hope again. I'm still working on the confidence part but my faith is certainly growing and despite the hiccups along the way I haven't given up.

So much has changed... I've come so far this year.

I'm driving again-even taking BB to and from daycare. I'm making meals and able to safely use my tweezers. I'm socializing and going to the gym nearly everyday. I'm even thinking about finding part-time work soon.

I've felt like a failure. I've felt broken. I've felt hopeless. More and more I'm feeling hopeful. I'm feeling strong. I'm feeling proud. I am surviving.

I'm glad to put this year behind me and I hope to have more positive memories to stir up this time next year :o)

Don't really remember doing resolutions much but I think I will be concentrating on keeping up with maintaining my health and moving forward.

I wish everyone a wonderful 2017 and thank you all for sharing 2016 with me.

Lastly, let's hear a big cheer for baby steps! Hoorah!

Feelin' the rush...

... the holiday rush!

It's been busy. While that means some extra stress it's also meant some extra fun :o)

My sister came up Monday and stayed the night. We had a great time. She's on winter break from teaching and one of her last New Year's resolutions to finish up was taking a boxing class (we decided kickboxing counts).

First, we went up to some outlets north of me. I found some new shirts and dresses and a pair of pants that actually fit me. It's nice to have some cozy, slimming clothing options instead of the increasingly baggy stuff that-don't get me wrong-I've loved wearing for however long but now just make me feel dumpy lookin'.

Hate droopy crotch pants *insert disapproving emoji here*

Apparently, I have lost 35 lbs since March. It's been a great side effect of the extra exercise but I haven't really been focusing on weight loss much. Maybe a little portion control and making healthier choices here and there, but my exercise routine is mostly focused on mental health with a dash of social time. Whatever my focus may be, I have needed to rearrange ye olde wardrobe a bit!

I do want to lose a bit more and tone up in places but it's a secondary goal to my overall wellness and mental health. No pressure. No timelines. Just doing what I can, cheering myself on as I go, and being proud of what I've achieved while adjusting to my new abilities and building confidence.

Anywho! My sister and I had fun at the kickboxing class Monday night and we even made cookies together later, watching "Bad Moms" while they cooled before glazing. It was great.

The next morning she came to my regular classes with me ( Zumba Strong and cycling) and afterward, while we were saying our goodbyes in the parking lot I broke from our hug, held her shoulders, looked her in the eyes and said, "I love you. I'm glad your my sister." It was a bit of a risk but I'm proud of myself for expressing my feelings instead of stuffing them down or bowing to my fears.


In other news, Baby Bananaface had to be picked up from daycare early yesterday. After a trip to urgent care we discovered he has an ear infection and bronchiolitis (really similar to bronchitis, as you might expect). He gets amoxicillin for 10 days and is home sick today. Luckily, I ain't afraid of no boogers! He's been in remarkably good spirits and we don't expect it to slow down or hamper his Christmas festivities at all.

In fact, last night he threw all the pillows and stuffies off the couch before rolling all over and squealing in joy. I just happened to pile them up at the end of the chaise where he then began leaping off the couch into the pile! It was very cute and a little scary, but I spotted him for his half a dozen leaps and he slept very well last night ;o)


Ornaments has concluded for the season, so that is helping me balance all the last minute holiday preparations better.  Still, haven't had much time to blog, to read blogs, or to comment! We leave tomorrow for our holiday ventures. For the first time in a long time I'm feeling more excitement than anxiety for the trip-and that's a very sweet thing :o)

I will try to mobile post sometime this weekend but if I'm not able to comment or read your posts, please know that I'm thinking of you all and wishing everyone a wonderful holiday!

A Long Day, A Long Post

Today was quite a day in a pretty good way. Don't get me wrong, I've been surfing anxiety up and down and using skills, even popped an Ativan this evening, but overall I'm proud of myself and how this day went despite being off-routine!


It all started with hitting the gym and not a gym class. This was partially due to my schedule but also because the instructor I liked that did a class Tues/Thur mornings left to work more at her other job and they put a different class in that time slot that just doesn't challenge me enough (although I did try it once and enjoyed the social aspect).

Anyways. I chatted with a nice lady on the treadmill next to me and had a good, sweaty workout proving to myself that I can jog a mile without stopping-in fact, I took a short break to walk and then ran another mile! It felt good and I plan on doing so again tomorrow since my schedule is once again off-routine and requires an early gym visit that doesn't correspond with a class.

Odd detail, but as part of my schedule I opted to shower at the gym and happily noticed that I was more comfortable in the locker room. I even joked with a lady while I was only in my undies and bra!

"Ha!" I laughed as I unpacked the rest of my outfit for the day from my gym bag, making brief eye contact with the woman loading her locker to my left, "I guess ya know it's fall when you don't recognize the clothes in your own gym bag! I saw something yellow and had no clue what it was for a second!"

"Ha! I guess you're right!" She smiled and we laughed together for a moment before returning to our tasks in our own separate bubbles, but it was nice to connect for however brief.


My next social moment was chatting up the barista while I ordered my decaf double shot Americano for the potentially horrendous trafficky drive to meet my mom south of Seattle. We talked teas and autumn and laughed and it felt wonderful, a good way to set off into traffic I'd say!


My drive south went better than anticipated and I was able to reach my destination without hanging onto Google Map's every word from my phone (ECT memory baby steps!). Although when I parked and went to put my hair up with a band that I had scrounged from deep in my purse I found that my butt felt suddenly, acutely uncomfortable in my pants, as if they were chafing or pinching somehow all of a sudden when I'd been comfy all the way there... I couldn't figure it out so I decided to try and walk it off but as I walked away from the car I heard something clink on the parking garage floor and found my tiny Flounder pin. It must've dislodged from my purse as I scrounged for the hair band and somehow ended up under my right thigh in just the right place to poke me in the ass. Yep. That happened. I was annoyed but mostly amused!

Random pic of Baby Bananaface from last night
The hubster's caption to the grandparents was:
"Be with you in a moment." Ha!

Mom and I were meeting a mall and she got a little confused about which parking garage to park in so I had to give her some supplemental directions over the phone so she could find me (I had bags of hand-me-downs for my nephew so we wanted to park right by each other for the transfer). Feeling a little goofy and inspired, I decided to stand at the top of the parking garage ramp and overzealously gesticulate to get her attention and guide her to the right parking area. It was a good stretch-a one point I balanced on one leg and waved my other limbs all at once to occupy as much attention-grabbing space as possible-and my mom got a good kick outta it.

While we were in the mall I happened to come across a gal in the bathroom standing in front of the tampon dispenser in a bit of a frustrated huff and I walked up to her and said, "Hey, if you need a tampon or a pad or something, I'm carrying. You need one?"

She was surprised but looked happy to receive the offer and said she really needed a tampon. I offered her one from my overly cautious, abundant purse stash and we cheerfully parted ways.

Later on in the mall venture I paused to say hello and compliment a woman on her unique sweater. A compilation of white and browns woven (knitted? I don't know exactly the term or technique) into a cool pattern with llamas or alpacas and little mountains. I quite liked it and told her so and she told me it was made some alpaca.  We shared some bright smiles and wished each other wonderful days.


TMS treatment was a little different than usual too. I was exactly on time instead of my usual 15-25 minutes early and I was able to say that I was having a decent day instead of just listing all the things that were challenging me.

On top of this, I was able to relax enough to chat with the technician during treatment. I haven't really been very chatty during treatment, maybe before or after but not during. Today I was pausing the Netflix show to share snippets with the tech and explain the crazy traits of the different fish the host was going after. Today involved giant catfish in the Amazon and crazy looking alligator gar in Texas-with bonus slime!

You can check out the FB page here,
that's where the pic came from!

After I finished rewatching "Border Security: Canada's Front Line" I wasn't sure what to watch next, but luckily one of the Netflix recommendations on the TMS office's iPad led me to this show called "Chasing Monsters." I had never heard of Cyril Chauquet, but maybe some of my Canadian blogging friends will have seen him around on the telly? Apparently he's been doing shows about fishing for quite a while. Might have to look his other show up when this one runs out!


The rest of the day involved getting home through more traffic, walking the dog, and making dinner while the hubster and BB made it home a bit late. We all went to Costco which was enjoyable and I got to load and unload nearly everything so I got some of the strength training I missed from my usual gym class.

My mood has been mostly good. I've been able to stay positive and dismiss unhelpful and/or negative thoughts but I have had anxiety at my back and even a panic attack this evening. The hubster commented that it was nice to see me feeling more "me," and I made a comment along the lines that I'd have to take his word for it because I don't remember being quite this social and outgoing and sassy! But he says that's part of why he married me was because I was a strong, determined, sassy woman. Might ebb and flow with a mood disorder, but maybe I'm getting more strong, determined, and sassy stretch of things?

We shall see!

Right now I'm just focusing on a good night's rest and preparing myself for another off-kilter day schedule wise. Tomorrow is volunteering at the blood bank in the afternoon so early appointment for TMS and early-early gym time... a little wonky and jumbled but I've done it before and enjoyed the volunteer work. Hope that same lady is there as last week!


For now, the sleepy time.


Oh. Happy Fall to all my northern hemisphere bloggers and Happy Spring to those down south! Not sure I'm ready for the rainy season, but here it comes :o)

Good For Me

Today was the third day in a row that I attended a group exercise class at our gym. The past several weeks I've been going to the gym pretty regularly and working out on the treadmill and doing some stretches or a few ab exercises but the group exercise classes are a much bigger challenge and more out of my comfort zone.

It feels good to have sore muscles and feel a sense of accomplishment but I think it feels even better because the instructors have been so supportive. I didn't expect to have them speak to me personally or give me a big ole high five for coming back to class a second time (that happened this morning) or give me a compliments on my form and effort-it's really made an impact and encouraged me to keep getting to class, sore muscles or no!

Unfortunately we're coming up on the annual resurfacing of the big workout room so I'll have a week and a half without classes from next week til after The Fourth. It kinda sucks because I'm just breaking into the regimen and I don't want to lose my momentum but a couple of ladies from the classes mentioned going to some other branches of the gym and hitting up those classes to tide ourselves over and I think I might just do that. Little intimidating going some place entirely new and unfamiliar, but I think I've got the oomph to venture forth and try something new :o)

There are lots of chores around the house that I haven't got to but I have been doing pretty well keeping up with laundry and dishes and I feel good about that. I'm so hard on myself for not doing everything I can think of... it's really sad. I have to just dismiss the mean thoughts and focus on giving myself props for what I do achieve and recognize how far I've come over the past couple months. Things aren't all sorted out by any means but I'm doing a lot better than I was and that is certainly worth something.

It's tough for me to feel pride, to be grateful, to think well of myself, but I'm trying. It feels a little strange but sometimes a positive outlook coalesces in my brain and I think to myself just maybe I'll be able to alter my negative patterns and figure out how healthy and happy works... just maybe I can embrace "liveable" instead of misery. Sure is tough remembering to take things one moment at a time and let the changes build over time when I'd rather just flip a switch!

One thing at a time :o)

Easter

What a day! A super long day.... It all started around 6:00 AM when the baby got up and the hubs started shaving and chopping potatoes for me so I could make my scalloped potatoes for the Easter food thing. 

I nearly had a panic attack in the middle of it as I thought of sharing my small victory (cooking something) with my secret FB group from the ward. I got so nervous and self conscious and confused if it was appropriate or not I started to panic BUT I used my DBT skills and was able to hush the panic before the light-headedness or creepy smell or tingly tingles! It was doubly proud then and I did post to the FB group with the extra "GO ME!" of conquering a panic moment :)

The hubster was very excited for me.... and the potatoes. They were a hit and we didn't have to bring any leftovers home *score*

The Easter visit to my folks' house (where my sister and her child are living as well) went pretty well, though I was quite exhausted and overwhelmed by the time we left. My nephew cried A LOT, and I'm talking we were thinking he might have colic. There were a few rare quiet moments but not enough to keep me un-stressed and unconcerned... anyways. Pictures time!

Awkward family photos with blue bunny ears. Of course!

 On the hunt with Grandpa and Grandma (my folks) and Daddy.

 The first egg had puffs in it and he offered me one so I had to try it... not the best (sweet potato I think) but he ate the rest!

Baby Bananaface passed out in his cousin's bouncy thing WITH THE TECHNO MUSIC BLASTING! It was crazy, but pretty much captures how tired we all were with our epic Easter Saturday.

I wish we had pictures of playing catch with the softball. My abs were sore that night and this morning! I sweat, was pretty uncomfortable with my fat roll and tight jeans, and missed my fair share of catches but it was a lot of fun and really nice to actually have a chat with my sister (she got to share her birth story with me, night and day compared to mine and I felt sorry for her but it was 'successful' if sadly conventional, at least now she knows what the doctors meant when they told her '3' about her tear, ugh pisses me off how women are treated in hospital when it comes to birth-speaking generally of course). 

Also got to play with my dad and the hubs, which was fun and it felt so good to hear my dad tell me "Good job" but boy the poor hubs has a lot of practicing to do! W O W it was rough. He looks all rugged and manly and stuff but I forget he ain't so sporty (thank goodness, really, I ain't so much either and I need the tech support something silly).

The way home I had to take an anti-anxiety tablet and thank goodness for good ole Starbucks for a little sugar boost, but I had a marvelous night's sleep last night and am feeling back to good, mostly today-except for this damned runny nose.

I'm gonna say success. I had moments of feeling close and connected with my family and then I had horrendous anxiety and sadness thinking about my nephew and my parents and.... that's a whole other post. I'll dump my worries some other day!

For now, Happy Easter, whatever that means to you :) Enjoy this Sunday and hopefully something delicious (we had ham, pretzel rolls, my scalloped potatoes, asparagus, corn, and the ugliest "bunny" cake my sister and mom could find haha) and enjoy your family and/or friends if you can. To me, that's what holidays are all about! and then the whole "meaning" behind the .... WHATEVER! I'm logging off, I can't stop babblin!

Hugs to all, be well.

:)

Actually, Really Slippery Stuff (long post about a hike gone wrong)

So the hike.

It started out in glorious fashion. The rain misting and then falling heavily til big glops fell from our hoods and hat brims, the trail coursing with run off between the massive sopping trees alternately covered in lichen and moss and fungi or stripped clear and beaten smooth with rain water. It was lovely. I was hopeful, energized, curious, and motivated to make a new summit.

We hit the first section of talus and found ourselves exposed to the wicked winds of the higher elevations. The hubby had been using an umbrella to shield Baby Bananaface from the rain but it now half-flipped out and became useless. Fearing the upcoming exposure and wind further up the trail, the hubster said he didn't think we could go on. I really wanted to. I hadn't summited a new peak in years and he had told me I could this. We decided to split up.

***Yes. I know, bad idea. We were very much aware of this after the fact, with the hubster regretting his decision to give me his watch and set me loose almost immediately as he hiked down and back to the car***

The first part of my solo hike went pretty well. The trail through the next talus slopes were hard to discern but I found my course and kept a decent pace. I enjoyed the wet, rocky section with orange tinted sand and rock, streams of water flowing over my yellow stone road. I felt good, I felt like I was going to make the summit and achieve something. It would be an analogy for my life, some sort of example I could live by as I practiced setting boundaries and taking care of myself.  I rearranged my hood under my waterproof hat borrowed from the hubs and cinched the strap tight to my jawbone to combat the wind and went forth into the harsher elements, accepting the challenge.

Along the way I met other hikers. One nice lady told me there would be a little ice and snow near the top, I thanked her for the heads up. Another told me to make sure I shut the door on the lookout tower and do not open the shutters. I reassured him that I would make sure it was shut and took comfort in the fact that he seemed to think I could make it.

It wasn't long before I encountered snow and thought of the woman's words-I must be getting close to the top! Little did I know that first small patches of snow and ice would be quickly replaced by large swathes of snow and a pathway of wet, icy snow and then packed icy snow each speckled with sharp rocks and large boulders. I hate hiking on snow period but without gloves, sticks, or microspikes? I should've turned back. I should've turned back so many times....

Instead, I kept going. I was stubborn. I wanted it. The hubs said I could make it. He said, "turn back at 1:00 pm," so I should make it by then. The man told me to shut the tower door, the women told me of the snow, I should be able to do this. I scrambled forward.

After half an hour of climbing over rocks, snow, boulders, and ice, with my bare hands in my pockets as often as I could balance or scramble without them, my once-waterproof jacket sopping and cold, the wind blowing up the side of the mountain in a fierce fashion I had never witnessed before, I found myself on a snowy trail, reentering the forest but still exposed to the wind. A bright orange trail sign bore a brown and white sticker of a watch tower and an arrow, another sticker with a large letter "P" for parking with an arrow pointing back down the mountain. It was 1:30 pm.

I hadn't made it. I couldn't make it. My hands were a bright shade of pink, my body so cold the wind hit me like someone had thrown razor blades into the gusts. I knew that the summit must be close but I couldn't go on. I fumbled with my pack, even colder with it off my back, grabbed two of the snack bars and hurriedly replaced my pack. I ate one of the chilled bars as quickly as I could, pocketed the other. I would eat it when I hit the spot I had split up with the hubs I decided, a benchmark to motivate me.

Getting back down the mountain was horrible. I was disappointed that I hadn't summited, embarrassed that I hadn't handled the situation with more wisdom I didn't have, and angry at my husband for misleading me about the trail. I could barely contain the emotional strain but descending tore me apart. Going down in a state of hypothermia wasn't just cold, it hurt. Not to mention the missteps and falls resulting from my diminished mental and physical state. I slipped on snow and caught myself as I fell down boulders, I slipped on a boulder farther down and found myself in a stream of water, soaking through my jacket, pants, and boots; I trudged, slid, and fell down the mountain without fanfare, I was beaten down in so many ways I didn't see faces when people passed, only boots.

***Another stupid moment, I didn't ask for help, I think I was too ashamed and uncertain of what anyone could do for me, but gloves certainly would've helped. Thankfully I'm not suffering any long term injuries as far as I can tell****

My left knee began bothering me pretty quickly once I began my descent. After a particularly unhappy fall I thumped my right elbow pretty hard and gave myself a goose egg on my right hand, that was when the "something extra" kicked in and the pain started to fade.

The pain faded but my legs were quivering and dragging. I fell again and upon standing found a triangle shaped rock near where I had fallen. I grabbed it. I stood it up on it's bottom like a Christmas tree. Then I took of my pack, shoved it in a pocket, and took it. I never do that. I know there are rules for collecting things but I did not familiarize myself with them, I never took anything. Until now. It was my rock and I did not feel it's weight at all. I slogged on.

When I reached the first talus slope where I had separated from the hubster and baby I promptly ate my second snack. By this time my pockets were so wet from the rain sliding from my sleeves it was difficult to get my hands warm though I had a wool cap in my left pocket that helped a bit. I began to worry about my baby, thinking about how he hadn't eaten and I abandoned the chant of "step lift up" (or something like that, I cannot recall the original version) reminding me to lift my feet so I didn't become entangled in rocks or trip for a single word, his name.

By the time I reached the last portion of the trail I was canted forward and dragging my wobbly legs down the trail as fast as I could, splashing through any mud or water without caring how much got into my boots or on my legs as I was already soaked through and toting standing water in my boots.

When I made it to the car the hubs was jovial, obviously not comprehending my troubled state. I told him I just wanted to nurse, and I peeled off my pack and jacket and sopping shirts. Baby was hungry and even though my pants wet his pants and socks, he didn't care. The hubs noticed my vacant stare and slack face, he felt my pants and boots and realized how wet I was. He asked if I wanted my boots and socks off and the bottom portion of my pants and I said yes.

I ended up in my wet, now shorts-sized hiking pants and a button up hiking shirt I had left in the care to change into. My bra had been so wet I couldn't keep it on and I didn't care who in the parking lot saw what. A few minutes later we had driven down the road and the hubs looked over at me. My arms were crossed, my shoulders slumped, my legs smashed together and my knees drawn up in as attempt at a fetal position. I still stared, I didn't talk much. He touched my leg and my arm and they were cold. He pulled over and cranked the heater, unbuckling both our seat belts as he gathered his dry waterproof shell, fleece, and my fleece. I put on his fleece, he wrapped mine around my legs, and laid the shell over the top of my lap.

I was still cold for quite some time, nearly the entire drive from the trail head to Lake Stevens, my toes burning from the car's heater before my core felt warm again.

But eventually I warmed enough to started talking. My voice wavered and tears came to my eyes as I described the hike. I had felt so helpless. And then I remembered the anger at my husband. Why were we even on this trail? You couldn't have made it with the baby at all! The conditions... what I was wearing, we weren't prepared. You sent me... Why? I can't believe it was a mistake. How could you do that? I was mad and heartbroken.

There had been an incident before when the hubs picked a hike for us to go on as a couple. I was excited and ready to try a new trail but it didn't take long to realize it was beyond my skill level. I felt ashamed, betrayed, heartbroken... and this made me feel all those things again but it was so much worse being out there by myself. It felt like a major break in the trust between us. Like more and more we are less partners and more roommates doing our own thing. I miss understanding and accommodation, caring and comfort, finding something that will please both of us and building happy memories instead of traumatic ones. It's bad enough being depressed, but then these feelings? Jeesh.

So... I know this is long but I hope it gives a taste of what I went through and what it meant to me. That hike was supposed to be a great achievement, something to encourage in me in working toward a healthier, happier me, but instead it turned into a horrible analogy of all the worse parts of me; putting my well being last, pushing myself too far, straining to achieve unrealistic expectations, not being kind to myself. It is embarrassing but too important not to share.

Failure happens.

***The hubs told me later that he immediately realized how woefully unprepared we were after our separation. He did not have a pack, any water, nothing and he realized that we did not have proper layers of clothes and he also realized how bad the weather could be further up after observing the weather down below. Initially, when I had approached the car he had asked if I had summited and said he wasn't sure if he should be proud or concerned. Awkward!****

Warning: Graphic Photos

Today I decided to keep myself busy and active to try and fend off the sadness that has been dogging me.

Part of my "busy-ness" plan was walking to Fred Meyer's and getting a few things for a chocolate cheesecake recipe and on the way I came across a dead bird beside the sidewalk. At first I thought it was a hawk, then I saw the face... it was an owl. For some reason, it seemed more meaningful when I realized that it was an owl. 

I'm not sure if I've ever seen an owl in the wild and I had never seen a dead owl before (outside a museum) so... well, I'm glad I decided to walk this path today.

when I found you 

I looked away

as if your death were a private affair

not a tactless shrine 

beside the cars' path that killed you

but when I looked back and found your eyes

dull silver-bronze like your talons

I knew that I must look upon you

honor you

behold you 

since I couldn't hold you in my arms

cradle you and whisper 

congratulations and commendations 

 and endearments into the wet feathers at your ears

as I lay you to rest somewhere shadowed and quiet

 you fell along a congested state route

 upon sodden weeds and bits of broken plastic

I will think of you in the sky dear one

among the stars

above the trees

The talons were a breath taking metallic color and quite surprising. 

Had a creepy moment when I looked up and found 3 nearly
identical cats watching me after taking photos of the owl.

To top it off there was a dead rat in our parking lot. That was just too nasty to take pictures of but let me say that it appeared someone was benefiting from the rat's death. 

Offsetting the death I encountered, I  was delighted and shocked to find these blooms on the rhododendron by our parking spot.

The cheesecake has been quite an effort and I hope it will be worth it... won't know til tomorrow.

OH, Baby Bananaface has started saying "mummamamamomma" when he wants me :) We're calling it his first word! Momma for the win!

Also, the hubs spotted a rat on our balcony evening last after I had spotted droppings last week so our bird feeding is a little... limited at the moment. Still have the little suet up and getting my good visitors along with some obnoxious starlings... *sigh* At least the hummingbird feeder is no strings!

Forcing It

This week I've been getting up late, peeling myself out of bed very much against my will. I've also been staying active at the gym and on the trail but I'm not feeling the usual "up" feeling post-workout. It's disappointing. I'm usually someone that gets a little cheer from being active and now I feel like one of those "I have to workout but I hate it" types. I think it's the depression rather than some huge alteration of my personality.

The sadness has been lurking just beneath the surface again. I'm peeved at these medications that don't seem to be doing much for me yet make my limbs feel antsy and upset my stomach unless I eat a hearty snack at pill time which isn't fun since I have no appetite of late and have been forcing myself to eat. 

I've upped therapy to two visits a week, starting next week. For homework I'm supposed to be tapping into my anger and free writing to try and exorcise some of the tension and sadness that's been haunting me.

I'm struggling. I've been conditioned to hide my feelings, never to let loose, and now I desperately need to let loose these emotions that are turning rancid and eating me alive.

While I figure out how to force myself to express those feelings, I'm drinking some peppermint tea and popping an Ativan to try and conquer the nausea that has settled in-I think it's from anxiety over expressing my anger. Ugh.

Put me back in labor with B.B. instead of birthing these emotions! 

Sad that I didn't get out Wednesday this week, instead I went to couples therapy. Not exactly fun. We have an appointment this upcoming Wednesday too, but I think I can fit in an outing in the morning. 

The hubs and I have been in survival mode and some days we don't seem to talk at all unless it's "business." Since therapy we've played cards and consciously attempted to talk. It felt good. Still feels like we're both in our own worlds barely keeping afloat. 

Turned on the heaters first time, it's getting chilly but not unbearable yet, we just turn on the heaters for a little bit.

I'm babbling in blog form! Back to my tea. Happy Friday to everyone. 

Some Firsts

Today was a day of firsts...

1) I walked from our new place to the library.

This was pretty enjoyable if not pretty tiring. The route involved some main street time but for the most part was a wooded trail and some reduced speed Town Center areas. I packed a sandwich and some drinks and the babe was well behaved for our entire 3 hour outing. Part of that involved me sipping an espresso and some seltzer water at a local cafe while doing a page of puzzle I tore from my book. I didn't complete the puzzle, but I got pretty close and had fun relaxing with Baby and practicing sitting and standing.

2) I dun broked my phone.

It fell outta the diaper bag and while I thought the back popping off was the extent of the damage, apparently I hit a shatter point. Amazingly the touch screen worked fine and I could text just the same and everything else! No clue when I'll get a new one. Don't particularly care. I'd been angry at my phone for a while, dysfunctional and misdirected anger really, it became a scapegoat for the lack of communication from family and friends... Guess that negative energy coalesced into something physical?

3) I caulked a mother-f*cking tub.

It ain't perfect but it's pretty good and I'm durn proud. The hubster was having some issues and for the 3rd attempt at re-caulking the tub tagged me in. Re-re-caulk = done.

All in all, it was a pretty good day. Not many people can say that when it involves the breaking of a smart phone, but being a bit of a technophobe it's a pretty minor blip on my radar.

In other news, some of the texting done today was with my mother. She neglected to ask how I was even after I dropped a "I hit the skids again this week" so I sassily texted, "I"m feeling a bit better now by the way."

She managed to ask some questions and tell me what everyone else has been saying-expand your social support. She also mentioned quitting Facebook, as my sister doesn't do it, tried for a few minutes again last week and says "no way." Like I give a f*ck. I told her it's the closest thing I have to friends a lot of the time, which is true. Facebook and a bloggin' buddy or two. I think it's obvious that the blogosphere is the superior resource. Very much so.

So my mood is all right today. I think the extra physical activity had a boosting effect and I'd rather be a bit manic right now than depressive, so I'm not gonna fret too much about being too high as long as I'm not too low.

OH! And I introduced myself to a group of moms in a local Facebook group today :) Baby steps.... Not involved in any meetups yet, but thinking Friday or next week I'll make the leap.

Thank you to my blogging buddies, whoever out there is reading, and especially to my one consistent commenting buddy, I really REALLY appreciate it.

Things haven't been easy or smooth lately, but I'm hanging in there and gonna keep trying.

Better Evening

Was a slow afternoon but we managed to get our little family fed, cleaned up, and on the road to our appointment with the midwife. I even got a little bit of a nap before though not enough to pep me up.

Baby got gold stars for not only being back up to birth weight but passing his goal. I knew he'd been a super sucker but I had no idea he was bulking up to 10 lbs 4 oz that fast. There was another baby in the lobby and the size differential was crazy. Both a week old but she was 7 lbs 3 oz at birth and looked like an itty bitty lemur compared to our baby's silverback size!

The appointment went well despite the somber tones. We talked a lot about my status and how rough today was, the focus turning to getting more sleep and also having the hubbo make sure I'm eating whenever I'm awake. Kind of like "do as baby does," huh?

With my mental health history the midwife also wants me to contact my therapist and schedule an appointment for next week, just to make sure that things aren't spiraling into a postpartum mood disorder. She says weeks 3-6 are usually when those disorders rear their ugly heads so this could just be a bad day or two or I could be early, we'll just have to be vigilant.

I was also told to slow things down a bit. I mentioned the few walks we've been on and how I have a little bit of bleeding after but otherwise next to no bleeding and she told me to dial things way back. Spend time on the balcony, walk to the mailboxes, or just walk downstairs to sit outside for a bit but no "walks for walks' sake" or big trips.

I think my mom's pressure to get out and moving may have transformed into a mental bully and I took my well being fore granted focusing on "getting back into shape" instead of listening to my body. She's going to be up tomorrow with Fio as long as she doesn't get called in for a last minute gig, so we'll see how things go. Hoping there won't be triggers and going to try and stay positive instead of bracing for a shitstorm...

Speaking of, the last visit with my family wasn't the best. It was good to have food brought to us and play a game of Ticket to Ride but it felt like hosting instead of a supportive visit and the husband and I were both exhausted and put out. Hope tomorrow is better.... Yes. Lots of ellipses today! Can you tell I'm worried?!

Off to bed now. Gotta try to learn how this "sleep thing" works again.

Hanging in there. One hour at a time.

I Said "No!"

Today I left work at ye olde ornaments gig before I hit the wall and got too uncomfortable or distressed. It definitely felt odd and I was pressured to stay and do more work or take work home with but I made my decision and stuck to it!

It's put me in a weird mood, a mixture of pride and "stickin it to the man" with guilt and anxiety. The hubbo says being pregnant has made me stronger (and sassier) and he likes seeing me stick up for myself.

Even though I left "early" I still spent quite a bit of my afternoon glued to a heating pad and reclining. My lower back and round ligaments have been achy and I haven't been sleeping as much as I would like. I'm hoping to stick with my self-care goals and prevent further fatigue and physical/mental breakdowns by cutting back on my ornament time and trying to be more active. I may not be going for hour-long walks or rigorous hikes any time soon, but a bit of time outdoors certainly helps my mood and resilience.

Considering I've had several breakdowns/episodes/backslides already related to ornaments and the extra stress or overworking, I think it's time I put my foot down and set some more serious limits. There's really only 2 weeks left or ornament season, but I figure late is better than never and I feel like it's a worthwhile endeavor.

In other news, my gestational diabetes screen came back negative (WOO HOO!) but my iron is low and I have to take more supplements (BOO!). It was a bit upsetting, one more straw on this camel's back ya know, but I think once I establish a routine with my meals and supplements I'll be able to move on and not be so overwhelmed.

There are so many things to worry about and do during pregnancy the constant suggestions and "it's also a good idea to do this" tips are just too much. Maybe it's because I'm so guilt-ridden and perfectionist that I try to do everything a person in authority suggests when it simply isn't realistic? I definitely feel more confident and better about myself when I simply write off some of the advice.

"That ain't gonna happen" or "I think not." A flash of shame and inferiority complex usually complicates my attempts at easing up on myself but I think letting go of perfection and that endless list of recommendations is the only way to maintain sanity!

So I may not be perfect, I may not "do it all," but I'll be good enough and that's good enough for me.

Especially if it keeps the full blown episodes and panic attacks at bay!  ;)

Bump shot below-we went for a hike at the Big Four Ice Caves. No, that ain't Violet Beauregarde turning into a blueberry, it's me!

Geekin' Out Withdrawals

At the Calgary Zoo we got to see wood bison (as opposed to plains bison) for the first time. Having had no idea there were different subspecies of American bison I felt my head implode a little bit.

Another implosion moment occurred when I was surfing Wiki and read the scientific name for the plains bison, Bison bison bison.

Seriously. Gotta be the best scientific name ever.

It also reminded me of this trivia from high school, I think a history teacher brought it up? But maybe my lit teacher? I don't recall, but I certainly remember "Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo."

After using one word that many times it ceases to resemble a word at all, don't you think?

I suppose I'm withdrawing from the vacation and missing the beautiful blue skies, chilly air, and gorgeous mountains-and apparently the zoo visit ;) The withdrawals got me thinking of Iceland again and that beautiful landscape. *lesigh*

I think I've spent too much time indoors since we've returned, the rain has been so gloppy! Now that my sinuses are clearing up and my back is almost back to normal (tweaked it hardcore Tuesday or Wednesday, lower back has been agony) I should be able to resume some walking this next week. I hope the time outdoors will satiate my need for scenery!

In other news, I finally got around to tuckin' in the balcony for the season. It was a little dried out but still wet so many of the pine needles clung to the surface and it's not pristine by any means, but I did empty out pots and planters and such. I'm saying "good enough!" and letting it go for now. I'll be on my hands and knees scrubbing algae off this spring regardless.

I did get more thyroid pills and the visit to my ND went better than expected. I think I'm doing a better job of separating myself, creating boundaries and realizing that other people are just doing their jobs. I pay her for her opinions but that doesn't make them law and I don't have to feel bad about myself for not adhering to every bit of advice. I do the best I can and make my own judgement calls as life rolls on, and that's that.

And really, I'm doing loads better and I need to appreciate that!

November already and 6 months pregnant tomorrow! Time is flying. Welcome to the holiday season everyone! I can't wait to put up the Christmas decorations, feeling very festive this year and savoring it already. Too many "ho-hum" Christmases in the recent past ;) And on that note, I'll get back to stitching my stocking.... !!!