Friday, April 28, 2017

A Break From Moving

The condo is cleaned out. The hubster and my dad are probably close to our new home base with the truckload of possessions. I'm staying north for a while in order to do the walk through with our landlord this afternoon. In the meantime, I'm taking advantage of Baby Bananaface being at daycare and taking some time to myself at a local cafe :o)

Here's a slew of random questions I decided to work through as a bit of distraction and release. Feel free to answer them yourselves! Let me know if you do and I'll go and read them :o) You're more than welcome to pop your answers in the comments too.

Have fun and Happy Friday. Blue skies here! We're shocked!

What random acts of kindness have you done? I can't name them all so I'll just name a few that I've done recently: taking carts from strangers in the parking lot back to the store for them, complimenting strangers' bags or clothes etc., handing a stranger my half-full punch card for a local doughnut shop.

Do you think any kind of afterlife exists? Not 100% sure either way. I tend to think of souls being recycled in whole or part as I imagine everything else in life does. I guess that isn't exactly an afterlife, is it?

Would you kill an innocent person if you thought it might mean saving a dozen other people? Ooh... I think it depends on the details. Not convinced I'm capable of killing though I wouldn't be shocked if I was. Wow. That sounds kind of bad. :o/

What’s the biggest personal change you’ve ever made?
 I've made a lot! Losing and gaining weight as much as I have has been major (talking fluctuations around 75 lbs). Changes in fitness has changed my life in many ways. That said, I think the biggest change I've made (making) is altering my internal landscape. Altering my self-talk and "scripts" into healthier habits. Pretty damn difficult and very much worth it. Lovin' me that DBT. 

What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever done?
 Well, there's quite a few. A recent one involves mistaking a green light for a green arrow then turning left in front of an oncoming, massive pickup. It was terrifying and a very unusual mistake for me! 

What do you think would be one of the best steps we could take toward ending poverty around the world?
 Having everyone experience poverty for themselves-not just a tour or a video or an article, actually experiencing poverty for however long it takes to appreciate it (that may vary from person-to-person). 

What is Satan's last name?
 Natas (Satan backwards) Why? No clue.

Can crop circles be square?
 Yes. Because I say so.

If someone gave you the power to save just one animal species on earth, which would it be? Bees. I'm not just saying that because Baby Bananaface loves "Bee Movie," although that could have something to do with it ;o)

Do people really get any wiser as they get older?
 No. They get wiser as they get wiser. Has nothing to do with age. Experience certainly has a place in developing wisdom, although wisdom cannot be developed from experience alone.

If you could be a farmer, what would be on your farm? Alpacas? I think that'd be more fun than sheep... IDK, that's the first thing that popped into my mind after mushrooms. Definitely seems like more fun than mushrooms. I do love mushrooms though...

If you could have something named after you as a memorial what would you choose? (building, park, school, that kind of thing) Oooh. I think I'm torn between a gym (a community hub like my beloved YMCA) and some sort of crisis center with counseling and skills training and such.

What would your DJ name be? Boo, Who? Same as my mixed-martial arts fighter name ;o)

When did you consider yourself an 'adult'? Don't know that I do... I'm not sure exactly what "adult" means. I think we always have more to learn although I suppose finding the hubster and decided to share my life with someone else, that felt pretty adult. Certainly deciding to stick around be Baby Bananaface's mother felt adult. So, I suppose I felt adult when I began loving and accepting others for who they were, are, and will be.

What's your earliest memory? This is a tough one for me... I think the earliest memories for me are of my childhood home and school. Maybe 1st grade? Mrs. Loftness (tall gal with curly hair) and Mrs. Olsen (dark hair cut in a bob) come to mind. There were guinea pigs too.

Do you define yourself based mainly on your intentions, your actions, or something else? Maybe heart? A combination of intentions and effort. Actions come into play although I can't place too much credit on them because when I'm depressed I can't do much and sometimes I do very terrible things due to my disease that I wouldn't want to blame myself for. I can also do very stupid things while hypomanic that I wouldn't want to blame myself for.

If required, could you saw off your (unconscious) partner's leg to save them (a la the Grey's Anatomy episode)? Yeah. No problem. I'd use my teeth and karate chop it if I had to. Drop a boulder on it. Steak knife. Chainsaw. Anything.

What motivates you to improve yourself? The hubster and Baby Bananaface. I mostly live for them. Working up my self-worth still to feel like I can live for myself, even so, I think they'll always be up there as far as motivation and reason to improve myself and meaning of life.

Would you rather be bald or hairy? Bald. Easier to put on lotion than wax and shave. 

Would you be disappointed to learn that 200 years from now you will have no living descendants?
 Not particularly. Maybe the hubby would, he's got more of that type of pride. I think I'd be disappointed if humans weren't around and bettering themselves and the planet, although if the whole of nature was doing well, I wouldn't be too upset over that either.

Which do you prefer, odd numbers or even numbers? Odd. For whatever reason they feel more solid to me. Maybe it's because they don't divide easily? They gotta stick together?

Do you have a favorite number? 13. That's my birthday day. I've always liked 23 and 27 as well, and BB's birthday is on the 27th!

Does a person's happiness level depend mostly on the good or bad things that have happened to the person, or on something else? I don't think it has anything to do with what's happened to them. I've have horrible, traumatizing, heartbreaking things happen in my life and that hasn't impaired my ability to be happy. There are also people that have had simply wonderful lives without pitfalls and aren't necessarily happy!

What was the last thing you remember shoplifting? Two shot glasses (well, tasting glasses). I have a little bit of a problem regarding this... out of character. Tends to happen when I'm stressed.

Would you take a one way mission to mars trip? HELL-TO-THE-NO!

You have to drink four pints of a liquid per day (not water). What is it? Not water?! What?! Damn. Not even sure I can drink that much coffee... maybe tea? I like rooibos/chai, although that much I think peppermint or green tea would be best.

What is the most commonly held belief that you personally find deeply offensive? That there is such a thing as being more or less than another being. We have to make judgments to stay safe, I think it can be quite dysfunctional though.

Would you rather be a giant, or microscopic? Microscopic. Seeing the world more easily would be fun, just seems like all the tiny stuff would be quite exciting! Also, I wouldn't want to be sleeping out in the open and never fit in a shelter...

What long-lost childhood possession of yours would you like to see again? This odd fairy toy thing I had. I can't remember all the details about it. I remember a lovely periwinkle color and a few tiny fairy toys that fit in some sort of jewelry box that acted as their home. It was cute and fed my imagination and I loved it! I think the tops of the fairies were flowers too, instead of hair. Talk about a great disguise ;o)

If you had to pick a new first name, what would it be? Used to Crystal. I even named a pet rat Crystal and signed my school work with that name for a while. Nowadays... Hmmm. I like Rebecca. Makes me feel like  a strong, beautiful pioneer! I also think I could do with a cheery name. Something that ends with a "y" or "ie?" Don't know. I think Hannah suits me pretty well!

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Quiet Rapids

Things have been a bit haphazard of late. An odd mixture of slow and fast with a dash of numbness.

Last week was quite emotional as I contemplated the upcoming move. Panicked, really. I took a walk with a friend and she laid out all of her concerns for me regarding the move. Cue the "oh shit" moment! It definitely stirred the pot emotion-wise. It also presented a reality check moment with an opportunity to really consider and plot backup plans in case living with my folks/sister/nephew just doesn't fly.

Lots of sighs. Lots of packing. Lots of "I have no fucking clue."

I'm sad. I'm scared. I'm (a tad bit) excited. I'm a little hopeful while also feeling quite skeptical.

There have been some dark moments-moments when I've lost myself in worry. My confidence eroded by strong waves of fear. One day was so bad that I had suicidal thoughts flashing through my brain. Thankfully not impulses or strong urges, just fleeting images. Still, definitely a symptom of my stress.

Those down days-or just an afternoon or morning sometimes-weren't nice, were quite discouraging, and luckily short-lived. I was able to bounce back reasonably well and reasonably quick. I think my DBT skills kicked in and having help from the hubster, of course. I also think that having my mood be stable for longer stretches help me bounce back from the dips and resist the dives.

At the moment our condo is about 90% packed. Regular routines continue and yet our surroundings are changing. Walls are stripped of familiar frames and shelves. Boxes are piled up against walls. The kitchen is bare and nearly useless.

Honestly, I'm still not sure if it's all sunk in. It feels like we've got longer here, despite having no cutlery out and our food supply limited to things that require no intensive preparation. Driving into the lot today it occurred to me that I'd only drive into the familiar parking area a few more times... and the thought simply drifted away. No thump, no feeling, hardly a ripple.

It's the calm before the storm now. I feel stillness at the surface yet I know the rapids within will most likely overtake me sometime soon. I'd be concerned if the move didn't involve some tears! I think driving away from my neighborhood without plans to return will trigger some... leaving my gym for the last time in a long time (I have tentative plans to visit, just not certain plans)... and settling into the new surroundings will be rough.

Don't get me wrong, it's not a palace here. That said, the obnoxious sounds from the nearby arterial, freeway, and rowdy neighbors are familiar. The popcorn ceilings and dilapidated buildings, even the shoddy landscaping and rather "well worn" faces around the complex will be missed.

The hubby reminds me often to look forward. I know that this helps him a lot-fantasizing about getting a house and a yard and a new job. For me, it can help in little doses. Too much and I begin to feel pressure, even fear that I won't be able to achieve certain aspirations. It becomes stressful and I got enough of that!

Anywho. That's a taste of what's going on. Been saying goodbye to folks and enjoying the company of my gym pals as much as possible. I certainly hope that I can find a new tribe down south and at the same time it feels a little unfaithful to leave these people behind. I suspect that's a passing sentiment... at least I hope so ;o)

Trying to read and comment, it's just a bit tough lately! Catch up later, friends :o)

Thursday, April 20, 2017


While I was rooting around the closet and packing up some of my crafting supplies I happened across these art projects from my time in the hospital.

The fish I made as a gift to the hubster:

A therapeutic watercolor with lots of words integrated into the pictures:

And a cute hart:

I'm sure I did more projects while "on the inside" and maybe someday I'll come across them... these were a surprise even!

Come a long way since then... :o)

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Let's be honest....

I ain't hand washing a coffee cup. #improvise #coffeecantwait. ;o) 

PS do I know how to use hashtags? Absolutely not. 

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

One Year

It's been a year today since my attempt and the hubster saved me. We didn't talk about it much just had a special lunch date to celebrate life. The hubby even made a toast and told me how proud he is, especially of all the distance I've put between then and now over the past year. 

Also had some fun with Baby Bananaface. He accidentally put his finger through the top of his water cup which led to him tossing the lid away. This led to eating ice chips and then mixing in his snacky biscuit cracker things to create some weird non-milk milkshake smoothie thing! He was enraptured and was kind enough to offer me a sip. I declined.

Afterward I was cleaning and thought, "This is one of those things the car seat just might not come back from!" 

Later we watched some "Kiki's Delivery Service" and practiced words and selfies! 

Thanks for being there over this past year-so glad to have this blogging community! Here's to many more years :o)

Saturday, April 8, 2017

Big Steps and Some Challenges

It's been a challenging few days. I've been swept up in a lot of intense emotions which has set me off-balance and whipped up some symptoms.

Today was especially challenging after a few stressful days stacking up on me... Anyway, some of the symptoms have been crying, angry outbursts, anxiety, and unkind thoughts and judgments. I knew this transition would be tough, I just thought I'd have some more time.

Turns out we have less time than we thought. The landlord contacted the hubs and offered compensation for us to get outta the condo by the end of May. Then she emailed the next day with an offer of more money for us to get out by the end of April.

I thought I had a month or two to ease out of my gym community, enjoy my last few classes, and say my goodbyes. Now, I'm going to be gone before I know it. Battling the loneliness and isolation of losing my tribe while I try to find a new refuge. I had been keeping the news to myself and putting off the goodbyes until next month. Then I found out the move had been moved up and found myself warming up in the cycling studio alone before class, tears streaming down my face and snot threatening to drip from my reddened nose. I managed to get myself together a bit before classmates started coming in. I'm sure the red eyes and nose were still blatant though.

When one of my cycling buddies asked me when I'd be back to my usual classes (beside cycling) and I told him I was coming back the following week... so I could get in as many as possible before the move. I broke and nearly reached straight up sobbing. He was so wonderful though. Maintaining eye contact and consoling me and telling me that I'd be missed.

I outright sobbed as I drove home. Tears falling and my mouth gaping in gasping, shuddering cries. I knew I would be upset leaving my gym buddies it wasn't until then that that I realized I would be full-on grieving... but that is what's happening.

Today I said goodbye to one of my instructors that I'm probably not gonna see again before we move and maybe ever, ever again. I dropped a card into her bag at the beginning of class and then I couldn't resist walking up to her at the end of class to tell her I'd miss her. I teared up and she was shocked when I told her about moving at the end of the month. She teared up and brought me into a tight, amazing hug, telling me she'd miss me too.

It was teary, for sure, and also validating. She appreciates me and I appreciate her. She acknowledged the challenges I face with a big move like this, asked for my Facebook information so we could keep in touch, and even said I could contact her if I needed a pick me up or anything. Amazed me. Being shown that kindness when I didn't quite know what to expect.

As appreciative as I was-starstruck even-the tears continued to flow on my way home from the gym and continued on into my shower time too.

I'm a little apprehensive about saying further goodbyes. These people mean so much to me and I don't really know what I mean to them. It can be awkward to react as emotionally as I do when they aren't on the same level. Oh well. I am me and me I'll be.

So. Goodbyes. Packing. The stress of moving and new surroundings. *whew* It's weighing on me!

In other news, the hubs and I went to an appointment with an OBGYN on Friday and she was awesome! My primary care doctor referred us to her when I asked about tubal ligation. We had a great appointment and got so many questions answered. She was funny, smart, and professional all-in-one.

We discussed the two options; surgically removing the fallopian tubes completely and an in-office procedure that inserts nickle coils into the tubes in order to create scar tissue to block the tubes, and quickly made our decision. We decided that the surgical option is for us. We've started the ball rolling and it looks like I'll be getting sterilized in May or June.

It brought up a lot of emotions for us as we really dug into the decision on the way to the appointment. We even discussed extremes like "What if we could be guaranteed no postpartum depression ever again, would we have another?" NO "What if Baby Bananaface dies?" NO It would be awful, tragic, and having another kid wouldn't replace BB. Nothing could replace BB. We would just have to live with that. We further discussed living a life without children and decided we could live a happy life without kids/more kids.

Anyways. I'm gonna kick back, watch some Netflix and try to simmer down! Hoping I'll be around the blogosphere more soon, although all this moving stuff is throwing a wrench into things for sure.

Happy Weekend, Friends!

Monday, April 3, 2017

Ocean Trip

Took an impromptu trip to the ocean this weekend after my folks invited us. It was quite a rush packing up and hitting the road on such short notice! 

We had a good time, even though I had to go on the beach twice... ugh. Cold, wet, sandy, and stinky! Baby Bananaface loved it!

He also learned that sand doesn't taste very good... :o)