Cruise 2025 Comin' Up

Hubs, BB, and I are going on a big ole cruise in a bit. If anyone has any tips or "must sees" shoot me a comment! I've included the itinerary below.

I'm nervous. I haven't been abroad since 2009 (I don't count Canada and Mexico for whatever reason), but excited as well. We have liked our cruises so far and while we haven't been with this cruise line before, we are hoping to have another good experience. 

BB told us he wanted to go to Ancient Greece a while ago and we told him that we couldn't go right away, that it would take planning and saving. He was distraught. Draped himself over the Costco cart and refused to walk and moaned throughout the rest of the shopping trip. Even samples weren't enough to break the funk. Well, the hubs took his request to heart and made a Greece trip happen and then some!

We are a little concerned about how we'll be received in Europe as Americans in the Trump era, but excited nonetheless. I have never been to Europe, but am happy to be going with Hubs and BB. It's going to be quite an adventure.

My mom is coming down to catsit for us and then BB will fly up to WA state with grandma for some summertime fun. It's going to be quite a summer for him... sometimes I wonder if he'll ever know how privileged and blessed he is. I never could imagine these types of adventures when I was his age and he doesn't even seem phased! My main concern is I don't want him to be entitled. I don't need a big thank you card or anything, I'm just wanting to make sure he understands that this is special.

The spots we're stopping at:

Piraeus, Greece (Athens)

Istanbul, Turkey

Kusadasi, Turkey (Ephesus)

Mykonos, Greece

Souda, Greece (Chania)

Katakolon, Greece (Olympia)

Sarande, Albania

Dubrovnik, Croatia

Trieste, Italy (Venice)

Well, I guess it's time for supper makin'. And more coughing and blowing my nose. Hopefully those don't get mixed up.

:o)

Really Almost Thanksgiving

 My folks decided to come down early and surprise me with an extra weekend of visiting time! The hubs and BB kept the secret and I was very happy. I was concerned about getting in all the activities we want to get done with only one weekend to accomplish the list. Now we have more time.

We love hosting Thanksgiving and I've been really grateful to have my folks come down the last few years and one of my sister-in-laws is going to be coming down too (same as last year). My parents really like her and how she ribs Hubster a bit-so they're excited too.

We got family photos done for Christmas cards today and I think they turned out pretty well for a rapid fire shoot. BB had some ideas of his own for poses. HA! Shocker! Not.

Work is going fine but I'm quite tired from the driving. I applied to a couple positions closer to home and had an interview on Thursday. We shall see... It wouldn't be an easy job I think but it would be WAY closer to home. A five minute commute might be worth it though.

This Christmas I won't be able to travel and I'll be home alone for a bit while the boy go up to Washington state. I think it'll be fine though. Just gotta remember to feed the cats and I'll be busy with a rowing challenge at the gym. Will be quiet though!

Hope everyone that celebrates Thanksgiving this Thursday has a wonderful holiday and if you don't-just have a wonderful day. 

Honestly.

I had ECT this morning. Now, it's this afternoon and I'm recuperating on the couch, watching a movie called "50/50." If you haven't seen it, I'd recommend it-just, maybe not on a day when you're keenly aware of your own illness.

Not too long ago I paused the movie and lurched off the couch and creaked down the hall to the bathroom. The boys had been playing for a bit and somehow I couldn't put it together where they were... Mind you, we live in a three-bedroom apartment. 

Standing in that hallway there was an open door to our bedroom on my right, a closed door ahead of me, and an open door on my left to the bathroom. They weren't in our bedroom or the bathroom and I couldn't remember what was behind the door in front of me.

I couldn't visualize BB's room. I could hear the boys playing and I couldn't imagine where they were. I forgot where his bed was, the blue mini-trampoline by the toy box and his bookshelf. I could hear their voices and had no idea the space they inhabited, the physical plane where they existed, what they could possibly look like behind that door.

My breath caught and the tears came. I stifled sobs and ducked into the bathroom, collapsing onto the floor in the dark. My nose ran. I wiped away tears and tried to keep quiet. Sucking air as I scrambled onto BB's plastic IKEA stool, I swiped at the door until it was mostly closed and slumped against the cabinet.

I was sick. I am sick. 

It's not usual for people to forget what their son's bedroom-a room they're in everyday-looks like. It's not usual for people to be getting IV sticks more than ice cream cones. When I can't remember what I read on the gym whiteboard or any part of the Super Bowl that I watched with the hubs, my gym friend, and our sons... it's not average. It's not a personality trait. It's a side effect. 

I'm sick. I'm sick and there's no cure. I can-I have-achieved remissions. I won't always be experiencing such dramatic side effects. I'm still sick. I'm still hitting up the pharmacy more often than most people visit The Olive Garden or some shit... I mean, you should see my medicine "cabinet." Honestly, I should be upgrading my storage options, 'cuz it's a cluster, I tell ya what.

Honestly. That word. It's a tough one for me. I have a difficult time gauging what's "honest" and what's "dramatic." Maybe that's because sometimes the honest truth is dramatic. Well, I don't want to be dramatic and I want to honest, so not only am I writing this post-I'm sharing some pictures that I've only ever shown to the hubs (well, he's not even seen some of them!).

So. Here goes. Some pictures. And more about my experience of being sick-not that I'm nearly as sick as some people! I know that it could be worse. I just want to be honest about how bad it is. I think a lot of it's about admitting to myself what I'm feeling... I've been opening up to some gym friends lately and it's a little confusing being so "chill" when I'm feeling so bad some days-ANYWAYS. Here goes.

I'm just gonna do it. (might've shared some of these before, just so ya know)

Heading into ECT w/ my hair net.
We put gowns over our street clothes
& cram all our belongings into bright green bags
that they leave at the foot of our bed during treatment.
Sometimes I'm lucky and get the Bair Hugger!

I got a butterfly IV today. Really easy stick too!
Took a picture to taunt the hubby-

Guess it's all about perspective, eh?
He's not one for needles-

Annual blood work does him in.
Kind of lucky that
I'm the "sick" one in that way!

Coming out of ECT.
This seems like my uniform of late-
striped cap, green sweater, Crocs!
It looks like I've been crying, although
I'm usually just misty-eyed post-anesthesia. 

Recovering last week at my parents' w/ BB
eating "yee-gurt" and watching Olympics.

Today.
Hard to see the goop on my temple from treatment-it's there.
Watching a movie about cancer made my cap feel way more "sicky!"
Hurt pretty bad post-treatment today.
Worst in a long time.
Getting a bit better now.

Found this from last month.
I can't remember exactly-I think we went
to the ER. The hubs claimed that he called
ahead and that they "had a room." Later
he admitted that he didn't know, he just told me
so to get me to the hospital.
Smart man.

So, I'm lying on the couch with a mass pillows and extra soft couch blankets (we're "couch blankets" people around here) and posting all these pictures... I feel like I've said something and not enough. Earlier, those sobs, that pain, I really, truly, deeply felt it. Now I feel numbed again. "It's not that bad" again.

Tapped for now.

Thank you. Love and hugs and gratitude and smiles. I'm getting back to "my life" more and more, hopefully that means more blogging. Even if it doesn't quite yet, know that I think of you all!

Bonus pic:

Made it to 29!
First official (29 yrs) bracelet :o)
PS: Good game in the background!

Thoughtful Thursday Moment

I was browsin' ye olde internet the other day and I read this on Marisa Tomei's Wikipedia page: Tomei said in 2009, "I'm not that big a fan of marriage as an institution, and I don't know why women need to have children to be seen as complete human beings."

It really resonated with me and got me thinking.

At CrossFit I had a conversation with another gal about kids. She just had her 2nd a few months ago and she was asking me about how my tubal ligation procedure went and how bad it felt. Apparently she's ready to stop. Two is enough. Her husband is saying no, he wants two more.

It was an interesting peek into the relationship dynamics of another couple. She revealed a dose of sass and some anger that seemed a bit surprising. Don't get me wrong, I never thought she was a completely placid woman, she just tends to carry herself in a rather meek fashion. Like me, she's skeptical of her abilities in class and tends to underestimate herself. She tends to be quiet and seems the type to avoid conflict.

Anywho. Hearing her talk about these feelings and feeling the frustration in her voice as she talked about her husband... it stirred something in my brain, hell, in my heart and soul too. 

ASIDE: Not so much in regards to my relationship with the hubster-we've almost always been on the same page with reproductive issues and he is very respectful of my rights. Even with the hubster, there are times when I have to point out where the line is-where my rights end and begin. I suppose that can be a challenge with any type of right or philosophical concept. It seems to me that it's much more easily forgotten when it comes to women or minorities and so forth.

Having a woman choose how many kids she wants to have all on her own? Inconceivable. (Pun intended)

I feel like there's stigma in the first world about women's reproductive choice on such a wide spectrum (in or out of marriage)-not to mention all the places around the world where women don't have a say at all... there's so much to say about it my brain is shorting out! I think just putting this here is enough for now.


Thoughts? Feelings? Experiences? 

WOWZA

First, some Baby Bananaface updates:

Family resemblance, or what? Was sorting
through some old photos in my closet and
found this shot from my baby years...

He really wanted to go outside.
So he "got dressed."

And for the WOWZA-Y moment of my yesterday. More discoveries from my closet...

I knew that I had been 250 lbs during pregnancy and I just wasn't sure if I had been before that. I was pretty sure. Whenever I asked the hubby he was evasive and wouldn't confirm anything.

Well, while I was cleaning out my closet I found stashes of old clothes. My maternity was altogether and then there was a different box. This box gave me my WOWZA moment of the afternoon.

I was shocked. I've lost so much weight!

 Once I found these pants the hubbo couldn't deny it anymore.

He said during a particularly bad depressive episode I 

topped out at 250 lbs. We still hiked and such and I found

a slew of 20/22 sized pants and XL shirts that I had forgotten.

I could actually fit both my legs down one leg
of the pants! It was so... shocking! I just didn't
remember! Such a weird feeling.

Also shocking was a bikini and teeny cover up that I found... apparently when I was lighter and just out of college (during my trip to Iceland) I decided I wanted to "feel European" and dare to wear a bikini to the hot springs. I'm not sure if I was more shocked by this discovery or the pants! Lots of disbelief both ways.

I know that I've lost a ton of weight in the last year or so-about 45 lbs. I didn't really count my pregnancy weight as my top weight before-though now that I know I was 250 lbs or more before that it makes me think of my total weight loss more like 75 lbs. That wasn't all in one go, so I wouldn't say that in conversation. Just for myself it feels good. Reminds me of what I can do. Not to mention surviving that depression... ANYWHO.

So. That is a bit of what I've been up to lately. Lots of jaw-dropping and loads of stuff to haul off to Goodwill.

We've been especially motivated to cut down since we decided to move in June when our lease is up. Going south toward cheaper rents. It means a major commute for the hubbo. We're thinking it's just about the only way to get things back on track since my PPD hurricane and all that financial fallout.

More on that later! In the meantime, happy spring and happy weekend :o)

Happy/Sad Days

Last week I got to graduate from my DBT therapy. Wednesday the 1st was my last group night and Tuesday the 7th was my last individual meeting. I can still contact my therapist if I need help or need a random session. Still, it was a goodbye rather than a "see ya later."

Saying goodbye to my classmates was more emotional than I expected. I knew that I would cry, I just didn't expect to be sniffling and stuttering and seal-barking hardcore crying like I was!


For DBT graduation we each hold a seashell and share our thoughts and goodbyes to each graduate before they get to hold the shell and give their goodbyes to the class. I started crying while people gave me their goodbyes and when I started into mine the dam really broke. Before I even addressed the class I gave them all individual cards and handed the instructor my bin of "special prizes" for the weeks when they get double homework or when they get to play Jeopardy for module reviews. It was a good feeling.

I got so many great compliments. People spoke about how different I am now compared to when I first started. I don't slump and mumble anymore. My shoulders are back and I'm a beaming light and I take up the whole room with my laugh-it was so sweet. They talk about how supportive and friendly I am. How hard I've worked at the skills. How different class will be without me.

My therapists each called me a "community maker." That meant a lot to me. For so long I've battled loneliness and felt so isolated. Now I initiate conversations with acquaintances and strangers. I reach out and don't worry about reciprocation. I'm not paralyzed by fear anymore. I'm me. Take it or leave it.


My individual therapist also talked about how much has changed over the past year. How she was really worried about me being able to do DBT with my history of ECT. When I started DBT I was still doing ECT. She said that they'd never encountered anyone who had done ECT that could effectively learn DBT-until me. She called me an anomaly. Special. It was magical. I felt like a diamond. It meant so much to have someone point out just how much I've battled through. How I've beat the odds.

I'm a success story. I want to stay a success story. One day a time.


We have done so much trying to get me back to good since Baby Bananaface was born. Medications, therapies, inpatient, outpatient, ECT, TMS, DBT, exercise. The medications have been a part of my recovery, sure, though I really feel like the DBT and my gym routine are what saved me.

For my birthday I got to share my thanks with my gym instructors and last week I got to share my thanks with my DBT community. I'm so happy that I'm in a place where I can share like that as well as acknowledge how far I've come.


Whew. So many emotions! Anywho. That happened. :o)

Checking In

I'm feeling much better and totally recovered from my jungle fever. That night was awful and the next day I couldn't walk much without getting faint until that afternoon. Even into the evening I couldn't stand around for very long without having to sit down. I decided to skip my gym classes again the following day to give myself enough time to really bounce back. I was back at it on Thursday though!

RANDOM BB PICHe insisted on wearing his galoshes.
Certainly developing his own style!

There was an interesting moment with my mom (it was Friday I think). When we had visited for Baby Bananaface's birthday she had seemed agitated during our grocery/coffee run. I was pretty sure it wasn't something that me and mine had done. I still wanted to make sure and give her an opportunity to vent even if it was something else.

Well, when I asked she kept changing the subject. I kept asking. Even to the point when we were walking back into the house! "Is something bothering you or not? You keep changing the subject and avoid giving me an answer. What's going on? Do you just not want to talk about it? Just say so and I'll stop asking." She then admitted that she had been changing the subject and didn't want to talk about it-a big moment considering how emotionally accessible is!

So, the story continued a couple days ago.... She called me while she was on base getting her lab work done and picking up her meds (she takes injections for rheumatoid arthritis). Then she brought up the agitation! Something about how all of them being sick (my nephew, my sister, Mom, and Dad all at once) and how she was worn out.

She mentioned something about how she thinks my sister is realizing how agitated she really is lately. She also opened up about how she is not only exhausted, she misses having her own life. "Sure, he's my grandson and I love him and I want to take care of him. I just want some of my old life back. I don't like how I'm the one he comes running to whenever he needs something!"

It was sad and yet also felt amazing. I've decided to change the way I live with being open and genuine whether or not people reciprocate. Usually, my family doesn't really reciprocate with sharing personal feelings or opinions, they simply listen and nod type of thing. It can feel awkward. This time I got something in return! It made me feel like I was making a difference. It made me feel validated and encouraged to continue being myself. It felt wonderful.

RANDOM BB PIC
He picked out his jacket, hat, and mittens.
Pretty dang happy that morning!

I'm sad about the situation. It's not quite a hot mess; it certainly ain't near great though.

The relationship between my sister and her baby daddy is awful. She's borderline abusive I would say. That makes me and my parents worry about the future since sister/baby daddy are going to be in each others' lives for the rest of their lives! We want things to be better for my nephew... and for his parents.

My parents have had my sister and their grandson living with them for a while now. She moved in sometime during my recovery (I can't remember when because of the ECT) so it's been a decent length of time. Over a year now, I know. They're exhausted. She blows up at them and will sometimes complain to me about wanting her own place. I don't think she appreciates what she has and how good she has it. She calls herself a single parent when she's really got two co-parents.

RANDOM BB PIC
"No time for diapers!
I gotta catch up on my Reader's Digest!"

The hubs and I have been having some pretty... intense discussions lately as well. It's borderline arguing and there's definitely strong emotions-thankfully we always end up in a calmer place with more functional communication. I think I'll post about that later after I've had more time to think on it.

Hope everyone's having a good weekend. We've got blue skies and chilly temps. Might get some snow flurries today.

Bumpy roads-but I got big tires!

Yesterday was a challenging day. I made it through. Things got bad but they didn't get scary. So, I'd call it a messy victory.

I think the first thing that threw me off was my gym class that morning. I've been doing especially well in the class for a few weeks and decided to stick with my 8-10-12 pound weights and not grab the 5. Well. It turned out I sure needed that 5 for shoulder work! Yeowza!

I was embarrassed when my instructor noticed my weights and offered hers to me to lighten me up. I thanked her and thanked her again at the end of class. I definitely felt disappointed with myself and embarrassed. Still working on those old mental habits of never asking for help and only success brings you love.

Another frustrating element to the class was getting lightheaded and feeling like I was creeping toward a fainting spell. It's happened to be before, years ago, and I think this time I hadn't drank enough water that morning and my hurricane strength period was working against me. I don't like having to slow down. I don't like sitting out exercises. A) I like to blend in, not draw attention B) Growing up, being slow or being a quitter got ya teased incessantly Cue more of the "no love without success" psychological drama!


The bumps in the road continued when I got home and started studying my next chapter for Medical Terminology, the Cardiovascular System. Woof. I had thought the nervous system was rough! This one has two whole pages of abbreviations and oodles of treatments and pills and tests. Boy. It's the hardest chapter for me yet and that it arose on a day when I was already struggling with negativity about myself... not the best timing.


A third pothole surprised me on Facebook. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate FB for a lot of reasons, though it can be a hotbed of comparison. This post triggered a memory of a conversation the hubs and I had a while back. I had mentioned something about trying to cultivate a friendship with someone outside the gym environment and he had said something about how he didn't see me and this other person as being compatible. They were more cosmopolitan... and I'm just. Not.

It hurt my feelings when he said it then and it hurt my feelings seeing a post on FB that made me think, "Oh, he's so right." It made me wonder, "Then what am I? Where do I fit in?" And, don't know bout you, but for me that can lead into a windy and complex maze of thoughts!

I ended up practicing a few DBT skills. Checking the facts and being mindful of what I have to be thankful for (I do have a nice variety of friends, IRL, online, local, and all around the world). I want to be me first and foremost, no more people pleasing and hiding away just to try and stay in someone's good graces. I know that I can be a good, worthwhile friend to have without throwing myself under the bus!


The next pothole was a computer crash that lost a chunk of writing. I had been dealing with some low level anger and agitation most of the day. That computer crash just put me over the edge. I got so agitated and angry! It took quite a while to calm down and made me wonder.... will my anger continue to simmer unnoticed and then erupt like that all the time? Or will there be a time when I spout off in less dramatic, more functional ways, a little at a time instead of those big eruptions? I've hidden my anger or pushed it away for so long that I am not quite adequately skilled in coping with it yet...

Don't know. Right now I'm gonna head off to yoga!

Reverso Cards

So my birthday is coming up fast. Last week I had a conversation with one of my gym instructors about how this birthday means more than usual birthdays to me because I almost didn't make it here. She was very understanding and validating and I was able to share just about all of my story with her. It was awesome. She barely batted an eyelash and asked probing questions and was supportive, not scared.

Anywho. At the end of our chat she encouraged me to plan something special to celebrate my birthday. We have plans already to meet my family for dinner but other than that-nada. I thought and thought about it and then something popped into my head. I wanted to thank those that helped me make it to this birthday.

Money is tight so I decided to tell some people in person and then make cards for the rest myself. I've completed most of them (just have 2 more to go) and already talked to some of my providers in person instead of giving a card...

It was a bit tough for me figuring out exactly what to do and to not be too hard on myself while doing it! In the end, I drew each gym instructor a unique picture of an animal I thought they would like. A chickadee, a great blue heron, a border collie mix, and I'll draw an eagle and a husky today if I have the time.

In each card I wrote something similar with a unique bit included for each person. The gist was something like this: This year is a special birthday for me because I almost didn't make it here. As part of my celebration I want to thank those that helped me during the past year as I battled severe postpartum depression. Thank you for (insert specialized appreciation here).

I handed out a couple of them today and while the recipients didn't open them while I was there, they seemed grateful and I feel happy. Although I do think one assumed it was an invitation and I hope she isn't disappointed when she discovers it isn't! I suppose it is a bit of a reversal handing cards out on my birthday instead of receiving them, eh? Leave it to Hannah ;o)

So. That's part of what I've been up to in addition to my usual schedule and doing my best to stay balanced and moving forward.

In closing, I would like to thank each and everyone of my readers, commenting or otherwise! This blog and this community has been an amazing source of support for me during my ups and downs-especially during the last year and a half.

Thank you all for being such a wonderful part of my recovery and life. I appreciate you so much even though I can't always keep up with my reading and commenting! I'm so grateful for the encouragement and understanding that I've found here and have so enjoyed getting to know everyone more and more.

Looking forward to more years of gratitude and community-thank you!

Climbing...

Today I woke up in a better place. I started my day off on a better footing. My kindness and self-validation is returning. I'm feeling calmer and less afraid, less sad, worthless, and weak.

I think part of my upswing has to do with a conversation the hubster and I had last night. He started by pointing out how serious things were getting. That I didn't seem to be fighting back against the dark logic like I had been in previous blips. That we had to get on top of things and stop this from becoming a full-fledged episode.

After some hemming and hawing from me, lots of apologies and guilt and shame, he launched into a sort of monologue/rant (not usually his style). He said something along the lines of, "You should be proud. Not ashamed. Not guilty. You should be proud that you are here. You should be proud of how far you have come and what you have done, not just for yourself but for us, for your family. You don't have to feel guilty about all that time in the hospital or all the treatments or all the therapy. You should be proud of all the hard work you have done and all the tough times we have come through together. You would have done the same for me, I know you would've. We are moving forward and you don't need to look back and feel guilt or shame about all that we went through. That's the past. We're here and we're moving forward. Do you get that?"

I do get it. What he said did resonate with me. While it's still hard to internalize and really believe it in my bones, it's something I want to work toward accepting and integrating into my being. I'm a survivor. Sure, that means I've been through some shit and it's definitely been a costly, difficult journey, but it also means that I'm strong. I'm skilled. I'm dedicated. I love my family and friends and worked hard to stick around for them.

And that's worth being proud of.

Just like everything else I've worked toward, I'm gonna work those baby steps. One day at a time I'm gonna cultivate that pride. Planting those seeds and no matter how long it takes, I'm gonna get them growing. I'll never stop busting my ass to be better, to stay healthy, to be here for those I love and this is just the next leg of that journey.

Rough Waters

Been a wobbly couple of days... I think having a friend babysit Baby Bananaface for the first time and going out to a dinner with my folks stirred up some emotions and made me more vulnerable to a little dip in my mood.

I keep thinking about "27 days."

I asked the hubster how many days total I stayed in the hospital between the two visits and he replied, without a moment's hesitation, "27 days." It's seared into his memory. There's so many feelings and memories and pain and struggle. It wasn't just me falling apart, it was my entire family.

It's been pretty emotional and confusing having my brain awash with gratitude for being here and alternately shame for bringing so much distress, anguish even, to my family. Thinking about those I love most and how they stood by my side through all that madness and thinking about all the things they did to get me the help I needed as well as try to keep my little family afloat in the meantime... it's overwhelming.

Thinking about where we've been is one thing, but I'm also distressed thinking about where we are now. I'm doing better, don't get me wrong, but it feels like we're barely keeping our heads above water. The hubs is fraying around the edges trying to balance all the financial stuff, spending hours on the buses going to-and-from work since our other car broke down, working on his *hopefully* last class to get his degree, helping out with BB, me, and all the other spinning gears of life. I wish I could do more for him.

I want so much to do more for him but I also have to be careful not to send myself into a tailspin. I mean, hell, right now seems like a little tailspin! All these thoughts and feelings getting the better of me. Crying in yoga class, tearing up in interval training, losing my appetite and interest. I'm trying not to become too frightened and holding onto the hope that it's a temporary, little blip, but it sure sucks seeing myself floundering like this when all I want to do is be able to help my husband.

So as I sit here typing and crying, I can feel the sadness and anger but I can also feel the love. I know that I want things to be better and I know that there ain't nothing wrong with that. It ain't all roses but I'm here and I'm trying. My family is here and we're trying. We're just all gonna have to keep it up with those baby steps and soon enough the sunnier days will return.

<3

Reflection

I've been concentrating a lot on focusing my attention on the now and participating fully in the moment to help maintain my mood and well-being through the tumultuous holiday rush, but as New Year's nears I find myself looking back...

It's been quite a year. 2016 wasn't an easy one, that's for sure!

**I've plugged in some random photo highlights that may or may not correlate to my text, but I hope you enjoy them!

Thinking back to last January, I was in the hospital. According to my blog I went to my aunt's memorial, but I can't remember because of all the ECT treatments. For a good chunk of time I was doing so much ECT that I wasn't allowed to drive.

For a big part of the year I wasn't able to be alone with Baby Bananaface. It was too overwhelming or didn't feel safe.

For a while the hubster confiscated my tweezers because I was having a hard time controlling my urges to self harm.

In the spring I tried to kill myself.

Another chunk of my year was dedicated to TMS treatments multiple times a week. Throughout it all I've been on and off more drugs than I can name trying to find a mood stabilizer that'll work for me. To top it off I had those seizures and got diagnosed with a seizure disorder and got a prescription goin' for that...

There's been a lot between those headliners, including countless tears and hugs and kisses and fears shared between me and the hubster. Nights and days where I didn't feel safe. When I wasn't sure if I'd make it to the next day. When I didn't believe that I could ever find happiness or stability again.

Thankfully, things are changing. I have come far enough now that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have hope again. I'm still working on the confidence part but my faith is certainly growing and despite the hiccups along the way I haven't given up.

So much has changed... I've come so far this year.

I'm driving again-even taking BB to and from daycare. I'm making meals and able to safely use my tweezers. I'm socializing and going to the gym nearly everyday. I'm even thinking about finding part-time work soon.

I've felt like a failure. I've felt broken. I've felt hopeless. More and more I'm feeling hopeful. I'm feeling strong. I'm feeling proud. I am surviving.

I'm glad to put this year behind me and I hope to have more positive memories to stir up this time next year :o)

Don't really remember doing resolutions much but I think I will be concentrating on keeping up with maintaining my health and moving forward.

I wish everyone a wonderful 2017 and thank you all for sharing 2016 with me.

Lastly, let's hear a big cheer for baby steps! Hoorah!

Words for Wednesday on Thursday

This week's words come from this here blog and are quite a challenging group! I will do my best and we'll just have to see where this goes...

-starship
-unicorns
-dogs
-life
-coma
-stroke
-fiction
-award

You'd think I'd come off some starship from some faraway galaxy with no concept of humanity the way I gaped at those panties. Dangling them in front of my face and wondering who the first ones to wear underwear were all those years ago? How many different phases had undies gone through until they evolved into the varieties we see today? 

I shook my head and thought about all the times I had put on panties without giving them a second thought. I couldn't fathom how many little things there were like that I accepted day in and day out as just part of life. Today I just happened to come out of the shower then pause and wonder. The sense of curiosity felt familiar yet special; bringing back memories of learning something new in school and being fascinated. That just doesn't happen as frequently anymore.

I finished getting dressed and flicked my still dripping hair behind my ears. I was feeling lazy and didn't even brush it. My hair care plan for the day was to let it dry out while I brewed some coffee and proceeded to tackle my mission for that afternoon: sorting through the stash of baby stuff in the closet and finding things to give to my expecting friend.

Digging through the piles of baby clothes and burp clothes was less sentimental than I expected. Only a few of the items stirred memories, so much of those early months had been obscured by the ECT treatments. I wondered if other women that hadn't been through such a postpartum hell would've been feeling mushy and craving another baby as they sorted through such items? It wasn't puppy dogs, sparkles, and unicorns for me. The thought of another child is still terrifying. Maybe it won't always be, but for now, one is enough. 

I smiled and thought of how much my husband and I had appreciated inheriting these baby clothes from a family friend. The thought of being able to provide my friend with the same blessing brought up waves of joy. I happily sipped coffee between piles of clothes and contemplated how much had happened in all the months since our son had fit into them. 

So many of the memories were lost to me at the moment, but the thought occurred to me that I didn't really need to know. That was then and this was now. I was working on being the best mom I could be now, after the two hospitalizations, outpatient program, months of therapy, trying oodles of medications, side effects, doing months of ECT and weeks of TMS treatments. So much.  It all seems like an over dramatic book of fiction. But it happened. I made it through. We made it. We had made it to a place where I could be cheerfully packing up baby stuff to give away instead of spending my days isolated in bed, my husband wondering if I were safe.

I praised myself internally for all the progress I'd made, imagining a gold sticker in the shape of a medal. It's tough for me to feel good about myself but giving myself little mental awards seems to help. Day after day the little efforts at building confidence seem to build up, slowly but surely. It was tough to acknowledge all the challenges but helpful to acknowledge my strength and perseverance. 

I shrugged and noticed the worn woven bracelet at my wrist. I recalled the young woman that had given me the bracelet during my second hospitalization. I wondered how the conversation would go if someone asked me about that bracelet and I said, "Oh, I got it while I was in the hospital." 

It occured to me that it's not really that often that folks are hospitalized. Maybe it wasn't quite an event like a stroke or a coma, but my hospital stays were weeks long and a major stress on my husband and family. Appreciating the gravity of it all brings up little feelings of guilt and concern but also pride and gratitude. Confusing feelings but overall I'm left with positive vibes thinking of how far we've come.

From inpatient to sipping coffee and paying it forward. That's sure something to be grateful for.

Well, that's how part of my day went. I felt like revisiting some of the feelings and it was certainly a challenge working in the words. Hope it's readable even though I haven't edited it very much! I think many of you will understand what I'm talking about regardless :o)

Thanks for reading and encouraging me to write!

Sneaky Momma Bloggin' in the AM...

The boys are still snoozing this warm Saturday morning and I am in the dining room typing away, only a little on edge as I wait for the waking cry of my toddler. It always stresses me out to some degree waiting for the waking sounds but this morning it's not so bad, I'm even a little relaxed and content as I let the boys sleep on a bit longer.

I think the happy feelings have a little to do with having had therapy yesterday and discussing my self-judgments and implementing grateful thoughts and building up my self-esteem instead of letting myself sink into mental spaces where I'm constantly apologizing for myself and feeling bad about my existence. That's no way to live. Talk about bringin' ya down! It's miserable!

Right now I feel grateful that I'm able to wake up and get moving in the morning and that I have routines like making coffee for the hubby and getting a little breakfast prepped and hitting the gym and that I have things to look forward to like visiting the local espresso stand before the owners hand it over to the new owners next week (sad but true, I'm losing my favorite baristas!). I'm trying to teach myself to dwell in the positive and when I succeed at this it feels pretty dang good.

So, I'm trying to cheer myself on internally and participate more earnestly in a healthier, happier lifestyle to bolster my lifeforce and stability. I'm trying to acknowledge and appreciate the progress that I've made the last few months and praise myself for all the hard work that I've been doing instead of harping on myself for all the things that still remain to be improved (it's so dang easy for my brain to see the darker sides of things!).

On that note, I will try to be kinder to myself today and I hope that my readers and blogging friends can be kind to themselves too and hopefully have some happy moments like I'm having now. It certainly saddens me to know that so many share similar struggles with mental health but I'm so grateful to have found this community and source of inspiration and support-thank you all <3

Happy weekend! Thank you for being you! Good luck and big smiles :o)

A Friday Variety Post

Still waiting for ECT to kick in and perk up my mood so I've taken to a local cafe for a change of surroundings, some distraction, and a delicious snack with scrumptious coffee. It's a gloriously rainy, gray day here in the Pacific Northwest (perfect for visiting a cafe) and I enjoyed my strength training class this morning at the gym. I'm very grateful for those classes and the sense of community I gain from them, such a great way for me to kick off my days.

Today I'm also feeling especially grateful for my blogging community and please know that if you're reading this I appreciate have you in my life <3


Now. I think I'm going to try and tackle some "Words for Wednesday" on Friday just because I kinda-sorta feel like writing and need something to keep me occupied and trudging forward in a positive direction. Perfect for "Words for Wednesday," right?

Here are the prompting words that I'm working with:


exhibition
feelings
bewitching
captive
gushing
candle

Another Attack

I feel no shame amid the stares

My feelings freely gushing forward, tears falling down my cheeks

I'm quite an exhibition for the creeping on-ramp traffic

My captive sobs muted by car windows

The context of a radio newscast obscured to my audience

These strangers may believe they can't relate but I know different

The tragedies bewitching me burden them as well:

Shootings, bombings, massacres, deaths, injuries, hate

Grief does not discriminate

Grieving as I do relieves some of the pain

My way of striking back with love against widespread fear

As a candle lights the way for nervous steps

I help light the way for other caring souls 

We walk this messy trail toward peace together

With teary eyes and brave souls

And hope for all

Poems are a challenge for me but this is where inspiration took me today. It's a bit too vague, I think, but hopefully the fact that it's about the mass shootings and other attacks comes through. These stories have been far too common on my local radio station and make me quite sad. While this scene didn't happen exactly I was screaming and crying in the car the other day from depressive symptoms. I think that experience and the shootings mingled in my brain and got mixed into one in this poem!

Love and kindness to everyone. Thank you for reading and hope you all have wonderful weekends :o)

Dawn at Midday

This afternoon I was driving home from yoga with Baby Bananaface snoozing in the backseat* when a realization came over me. It was a good but sad realization. I was conflicted with feelings of pity and disgust as well as a sweet release of acceptance and acknowledgment backed with the tang of self critique as it swept through me. Quite a whirlwind of emotions as I recognized this afternoon just how much trauma I've been through this past year and change.

It may seem obvious, like I've already accetped that I've endured trauma, but as I drove home today the acceptance spontaneously blossomed in me. I suddenly acknowledged the pain and hardship and loss that my mind has tried to hide and dismiss or belittle. Instead of feeling oblivious or shaming myself I felt the weight of it all come down upon me and saw just how far I've come and what I've endured. I felt grateful for my strength and my endurance instead of just feeling grateful for those that have helped me along this long, hard path. Instead of labeling myself a burden or a problem and giving all the credit to those who've helped me, I accepted my achievement. I've fought a long, hard battle for my life-somehow there is part of me that strives to live no matter how frequently I feel ready for death-and it's good to acknowledge that side of myself.

It was a strange feeling, sad and beautiful, quite humanizing too. I felt a bit of pride and belonging as I recognized myself as a fighter just like so many others battling disease or other unfortunate challenges in life or simply surviving, really. The internal criticism and minimizing still chirps in the background but having those nicer thoughts break through and thinking something positive about myself was so meaningful.

I was a little shocked to feel all this dawning on me after so many, many months; especially when I spend so much time thinking of my sickness and getting better, but the wise hubster was not surprised. "When you experience trauma it takes some time to accept it, to get past denial into acceptance and moving on. Totally normal." Just like him to take it all in stride! I felt bowled over by my emotional wave of self discovery, relating my afternoon moment of zen with tears in my eyes and a tinge of embarrassed pink in my cheeks but the hubster cradled me with his words as if he'd been waiting for me to tell him this for weeks... Anyways.

For a long time I have (unconsciously and consciously) berated myself for being sick, for not "sucking it up" and making due, for not "fixing it" and moving on. I thought that because I didn't suffer birth trauma I had no excuse to be feeling down, completely neglecting to recognize the trauma of postpartum depression, multiple hospitilzations, intensive ECT treatment, a suicide attempt, and countless other disruptions to my life. Those are traumas. These things count. I've been through some shit! I'm still in recovery and that's totally understandable because what happened to me was significant, it's gonna take some time to work through and work past.

I feel like a lot of this is stating the obvious and repeating things that I've wrote about in past posts but for me this things feel fresh and there is something novel and important about acknowledging these thoughts and feelings that came over me so randomly this afternoon. It's not all news to me but the feelings of acceptance, soothing, and understanding that came with this moment of realization have given me a new perspective on my life, a new abililty to be kind and gentle with myself, to validate myself, to better support myself in recovery and those are all very important things.

I'm sad as I acknowledge what I've been through and more fully appreciate the anguish of these dark times but I also feel a swell of glowing gratitude and feist as I appreciate the progress I've made on this journey and feel a little piece of me start to believe that I can make it back to where I want to be, that I can do this crazy thing called life, that I do have it in me... I'm not a weakling, a hot mess, or a lost cause. I'm a fighter.




* This was big doins. BB and I went to the gym and gave Daddy time alone at home! First time in a long time that I've been out alone with the babe. Progress!

Fruit Salad Post

I'm just gonna go for it and throw in a handful of the thoughts and feelings that are with me today and let this post turn into whatever it is meant to become!

A) I really appreciated this blog post and how it helped simplify and validate my disorder while also providing some concrete tools for improving communication with others. I don't get to talk with people in this fashion about bipolar II very often but it's something that I would like to feel confident talking about if ever I got the chance.

*I was concerned about the comments she made about bipolar being highly genetic and the 50% stat she threw down, but the hubster has reassured me that it is more complex and less stark/severe than that and that I shouldn't feel like Baby Bananaface is a timebomb or that I've poisoned him... he found some other statistics that were more realistic and thankfully, reassuring. That said I am not an expert on this so I can't clarify what the "truth" is, I just don't want anybody freaking out like I did!

B) I've been having a lot of feelings about my aunt's passing and my relationship with my cousin and some of that involves feeling grief but also shameful or fearful or upset about the distance that has evolved between me and my cousin and my sorta-uncle (I don't call him "Uncle __" I just call him "__" and they weren't officially married til later in their relationship so... it's confusing but I like the guy). 

Part of the reason that distance evolved was because of my postpartum depression and the fact that I was in the hospital while my aunt was in a different hospital dying. She had had cancer for months prior to that and I hadn't seen her because she was a heavy smoker and I had stopped visiting years before because it was physically uncomfortable and very emotionally painful for me to see her and "__" smoking and, in my eyes, hurting themselves. I feel like a part of me knew that a very painful end was coming and I backed away early because I just didn't know how to cope with all the feelings I was having at the time.

Since she died I've been more and more expressive about my sadness but I've felt a little odd and "on the outside" of the grief since I didn't see her during her sickness and death. It feels like my cousin and my sorta-uncle and my first family have more license to be sad than I but I think this is the mark of an invalidating family structure, a part of the ongoing battle I experience around being myself and being okay with that... 

The fact is that I was too sensitive to watch my aunt slowly kill herself and I had to get distance, I had a lot going on in my own life and my mental health issues prevented me from coping with that high stress situation and prevented me from seeing her not only while she was sick but before then too. The fact is that my experience is unique and different from everyone else's and it happens to involve grieving from a greater distance and I am thankful that I protected myself from potentially very traumatic memories surrounding her disease and death. It has made things awkward, but I really don't regret my decision to run for the hills when I did-it was the best I could do for myself and that's all I can hope for. I don't know if I'll ever regain as close a relationship with my sorta-uncle or cousin but I can't blame myself for that, I can just do my best and be me and hope for the best.

*Still sorting through this, but that splat of feelings certainly helps!

C) I have a little update related to reintroducing myself to myself (I talked about feeling like a stranger in my own life the other day and the hubbo suggested reframing my loss of self as a journey to rediscover myself, to reintroduce myself)... On Monday I was up to some good ole Hannah mischief! Here's the scoop:

The hubster had a dentist appointment to get a filling. He's been complaining about it for weeks because he hates the feeling of the needle they use to numb him up and generally isn't a fan of the dentist anyway. That morning as I was driving home from the gym I had an inspiration to make him a little encouragement card and drop it off at the dentist's so they could give it to him when he checked in. I made him a little card with a scattering of shiny red foil hearts and a grumpy Garfield cartoon and a little note and dropped it off just before the dentist's office went to lunch. 

That afternoon I could cheery text from the hubster about "running into Garfield at the dentist's" and he was so grateful for the card! I was so glad I could help him relax and also grateful I could feel like myself again. It was a wonderful moment and I'm hoping I can continue to build on the positive vibes.

D) Overall, my wellness is improved. The jitters are gone and I'm off my Latuda now (we are keeping a watchful eye out for any symptoms that may crop up related to this). I am still struggling with anxiety but I've been able to use my DBT skills to help me cope and there is a little piece of me that sidling up to the idea of thinking of a future, looking ahead, buying into life more-and that's a big deal.

I still very much feel like a work in progress (and/or a "hot mess") but I feel like I'm starting to push back against those dark, sticky ideas that I'm worthless and hopeless and while that bit of fight in me feels a little strange, it also feels a little good too. 

E) Here are this week's "Words for Wednesday" prompts provided by River:

1. energy

2. caravan

3. drop

4. whispering

5. farmer

6. tracker

and/or

1. slinging

2. risking

3. young

4. absolute

5. morsels

6. contain

and/or

"the headlights were the only illumination on the single lane road"

I didn't write anything based on the prompts but wanted to share them around in case anyone needed some inspiration! :o)

F) Bonus link for anxiety disorder related boost-ya-up/perk :o)

So there is this fruit salad post, hope it doesn't hurt yer eyes too much!

Z is for Zeal #atozchallenge

This post is part of my first year doing the A to Z Challenge and I happen to be writing under the theme Gratitude: The Things That Keep Me Alive. This is a relevant theme for me as I am struggling with postpartum depression, and also have diagnosed anxiety and bipolar II (just to let you know what's going on with me-it might be pertinent as you read the post below). Thank you for stopping by and reading my post!

Z is for zeal because without zeal I would not be beating back my disorders. Without zeal my husband wouldn't support me with such marvelous affection and care and steadfast bravery and dedication. Without zeal my care providers wouldn't continue month after month to keeping trying to conquer this slippery eel of disease that plagues me. Without zeal my family wouldn't have helped my family keep functioning as I went through all those rounds of ECT.

In case you're foggy on the definition, here's what the dictionary has to say about zeal; great energy or enthusiasm in pursuit of a cause of objective.

Now, my husband and I are low on the energy part, and I'm sure my care providers are as well, but somehow the enthusiasm for my cause seems to propel us, day after day in the fight against "Hannah's illness." That means a lot to me. It's hard for me to share my dirty parts, to share this burden with those I love most and don't want to burden, I want to be able to lift them up and cherish and spoil them. I don't want to be the sick one, but right now I am. It's a temporary thing but oh how "temporary" can last longer than you think!

Somehow instead of being a slimy mystery chunk of sludge stuck on the bottom of peoples' shoes weighing them down, I'm a cause. I'm a unifying cause for care and effort and ardor not dismissal or fear or disgust. It's a wondrous thing, a confusing thing, a life saving thing. That is what zeal is capable of.

And so I end this first A to Z Challenge with a little four letter word that packs a lot of punch. With yet another shout out to my wonderful husband and a sweet splash of tears and gratitude for my blogging community and all their support as I slog through a rather messy section in my life's story.

I might not have the same powerful zeal as the hubster everyday, but I'm trying and wonderful people like you help encourage me to keep trying. Thank you for reading. Thank you for supporting me. Thank you for being my friends however many thousands of miles away you might be, your electronic hugs sustain me.

Seems like I should be cracking a bottle of champagne over something to commemorate the conclusion of my first A to Z Challenge, but I'll just say thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

<3

Y is for Yoga #atozchallenge

This post is part of my first year doing the A to Z Challenge and I happen to be writing under the theme Gratitude: The Things That Keep Me Alive. This is a relevant theme for me as I am struggling with postpartum depression, and also have diagnosed anxiety and bipolar II (just to let you know what's going on with me-it might be pertinent as you read the post below). Thank you for stopping by and reading my post!

Y is for yoga because yoga is something I can be proud of about myself (I ain't too shabby at yoga even though I be a bit flabby) and yoga does marvelous things for my physical and mental health.

Even in my darkest days when getting out of the house is a rare and tremulous occasion, going to a yoga class can soothe my nerves and clear my mind. I'm not saying my mind is quiet for the entire class or that I won't have anxiety the entire time, but it gives me a break from my symptoms and that is AWESOME when you're suffering.

Yoga also gives me tools to help me self soothe outside the studio/classroom, a way to socialize (however minimally that might be), and an opportunity to take pride in myself and my accomplishments. When I balance well and hold my tree pose while other yogis be fallin' on their asses, I feel good about myself! I hope they are alright and I know that I could fall on my ass at any moment, but for a brief moment I feel pride and that's a rare and lovely thing for me-I appreciate those moments more because they are so rare.

My physical and mental health benefit from yoga in many ways and the bonus boost to my self confidence makes yoga a part of my status quo and self identity that I appreciate and cherish. I love it when the hubs calls me his "yogi" and I love having something that I can teach him instead of always feeling like a clueless boob.

Yoga is a wonderful thing for me and I love having it in my life. I can't remember the first time I ever wandered into a yoga class, but I'm sure glad that I did!

Anybody else love yoga? Never tried it? Curious? Yoga fails you'd like to share? I've heard several about ripped pants, I tell ya what! 

X is for Xmas #atozchallenge

This post is part of my first year doing the A to Z Challenge and I happen to be writing under the theme Gratitude: The Things That Keep Me Alive. This is a relevant theme for me as I am struggling with postpartum depression, and also have diagnosed anxiety and bipolar II (just to let you know what's going on with me-it might be pertinent as you read the post below). Thank you for stopping by and reading my post!

X is for Xmas because A) I didn't have a ton to work with when it came to the letter X and it's the only word I found in my dictionary that actually got my brain juices flowin' (see below)

and B) Xmas (pronounced Christmas, please) is a big deal in my first family and even though it can be quite stressful being such a big to-do, it's also very distracting and having an elongated holiday season of madness can distract me from my own madness which is quite appreciated and necessary to help me get through the dreary winter sometimes.

Even more than the season itself, Christmas in my family is a yearlong affair. Whether it's scouting Christmas presents or stitching Christmas stockings (Baby Bananaface's is nearly done, BTW), Christmas is always a viable topic of discussion in my first family and, honestly, it's nice to have a go-to, back-up, easily distracting topic that is safe to discuss and easy to fall back on when it comes to my family (conversations can easily go sideways or get hurtful in my family and changing the direction with "Hey, what about Christmas...." is a very appreciated emergency tool for me and the hubs).

I love Christmas not for any religious reasons, I'll sing "Silent Night" but that's about it, but for many little reasons like seeing ornaments that have been on my parents' Christmas tree for decades and watching twinkly lights or Christmas movies that I've seen too many times to count and baking or making sweets that I only bake around Christmastime... I love the traditions. I enjoy seeing people that I don't get to see but once or twice a year, I might not like them or care what they have to say or what's going on in their lives but I like mixing things up!

As far as my mental health goes, Christmas can be a positive and a negative all at once. I get out more, I have things to do, it motivates me to be active and social but it also stresses me out and can trigger a lot of social anxiety and often makes me realize just how distant my family can be.

What about you? Do you celebrate Christmas at all? Does Christmas relax you in certain ways or totally stress you out? What are your favorite things about Christmas? Do you have certain decorations that have been in your family for years and years?