Hesitant

Last night there was a little social snafu with the hubs... he came home from a massage and asked how I was and I was honest. *dun dun dun* I shrugged and he immediately latched on and probed for more information. I was feeling a little confused but not great, not unstable either, and hesitant to share. 

When I did share a little, it harshed his cool and I felt horrible. I had meant to ask how his massage went and how he was feeling and then it turned into a little therapy sesh/snit thing that I wished never happened. 

The gist was me feeling unsure and lost about my employment situation. Not knowing where I want to go from here and worrying about finances. He just doesn't seem to understand why I worry about finances because from his perspective we are fine. Don't have a huge buffer right now or vacay fund because I'm not bringing anything in, but he said that 60% of why I work isn't for the money. It's for the health benefits of having a schedule and being social.

I'm just not sure where I am or where I want to go. That feeling of my early twenties just happened is fading, for sure, but I still get ghosts of that era when I used to feel like I was going somewhere. Like there was something in store for me. I just don't feel that anymore. It seems like it's up to me to make something happen now and there is volition and responsibility in play. 

I was thinking about doula work, but I think that my nostalgia is clouding my vision. I felt found when I discovered doula work and it seemed to fit me except for the health issues around sleep and anxiety waiting for babies to arrive. So I'm not sure if it's a good idea to pursue that because of the hours and my sleep needs and my difficulty managing anxiety around due dates. But for a second, it felt like I was returning to a good path... it did make me think of becoming a birth educator though.  Which seems like it might be hard to break into and not be very lucrative, but could work for me with schedule. I don't know. Maybe it's work exploring.

I'm also feeling hesitant to approach the precipice of a life transition. I think I have to dive into this and explore to find out where I want to go, but I feel afraid of what I might find and anxious about taking responsibility for myself. I feel like I've been floating along and now I've got to figure out which tributary to navigate. Not that the river is going to end, but there does seem to be some pressure to assume control. Which hasn't always been the case.

Part of it may be the hubs's faith journey making me think lately. I've been thinking more and more about religion and what I believe and I think that loops into the whole "taking life by the horns" thing. I feel a lack of direction and guidance, and maybe I'm searching for some. Hesitantly. 

Pfft. As I've mentioned, it's a bit much for me and right now my hair is nearly dry and I'm planning on a Costco run. So I guess I'll shelve this for a moment and delve into more reflection later. (teehee, "shelve" and "delve" rhyme)

Hugs and hope to all. 

Back at Home Base

Back at home base after a trip north for Christmas. It's been a messy few days of sleeping in and bumbling around trying to be productive but really just... bumbling through. 

The trip north was surprisingly uneventful but draining. We landed very early, got a rental and drove four hours to the other side of the state to see the hub's parents. Then, a few days later, we drove back to the west side to see my family for about a week. It was a lot of socializing and Hubster was totally over it by the last few days. Unfortunately, my mom and I had already planned an early birthday party for him the morning of our departure. So, he suffered a bit more than necessary with an extra burst of visiting from my sibs and our nieces and nephews in addition to my folks that morning. But it was good for BB to see. his cousins one last time.

There was no drama. Very little tension. Not much new. It just... was. We decided that next year will include a shorter trip. It's just so exhausting being away from home that long with our families. A big ole cruise is a different sort of exhausting. but 10-days up north with family visits and holiday events. Too much for these old birds. Hehe

Hubs turned 40 yesterday. I made my first beef Wellington ever for him (per his request) and despite some emotional turbulence I made it through. The prosciutto was tearing, the duxelles wasn't fine enough, and I didn't like the sear on the beef, but it turned out delicious and not major leakage or soggy bottom! He was very happy. I was so concerned about a lame birthday that I had to take an Ativan, but he seemed content. I'm relieved. 

His real birthday celebration for himself is a marathon down in Arizona. He's going alone and I'm worried about him being in bad shape afterward like St. George marathon went. But he's going to go down Friday, run Saturday, and fly back super early Sunday. The best I can do is help him once he's home. 

Now that I've resigned from my assistant/receptionist position I'm feeling more money concerns. I jumped the gun getting things rolling for substituting around the local districts and I got myself into a little bit of a pickle. My district ID and email need to be activated for one district and I didn't do it before the holiday break. So now I think I have Monday to get activated, get into the system and do my trainings before issues arise and my employment is possibly preempted. So.. my bad. I just didn't have it in me to take care of it before the break and then the week of Christmas was Christmas! It just didn't happen. I think I needed to take more time after quitting before leaping into the subbing stuff. 

Anyway. We're home. We're going to find a new normal. We're going to hope 2026 brings some better days... and some snow!