Found out another gym mom is pregnant today. Her joy was so infectious. This red-faced, supremely scrunchy smile that I described as "Christmas and birthdays and everything all together!"
It was heart wrenching.
Not too long ago I was coping with pregnancy envy over my other friend and feeling like I'd found a good place, worked through it, and moved on. Now I feel pushed back again into this mire of sadness and shame.
We don't want more kids. We're happy. Yet I'm also sad. I'm also confused. I lost so many memories even though I'm fairly certain that I did my best to cherish every stage and step of the way into motherhood. We made the decision to sterilize together and I'm so relieved that I don't have to worry about risking the horrible fallout from my first pregnancy.
I still feel anger. Anger and grief and shame. My choice was about "can't" and "won't" and yet somedays that "can't" glares so much more intensely. I feel robbed. I feel like my illness took my choice away from me. I wonder if we hadn't gone through what we did if we would've had our second child.
In the end, I feel like it's part of a phase-a process. Today I started to appreciate that I'm hanging around with a bunch of baby-making-aged ladies and it's gonna be a part of the scenery! Guess I didn't think that it would be so upsetting, or that I would be exposed to all those sticky emotions that come with pregnancies-good and bad emotions!
I found an article that seemed to help a little bit. It's a different animal, this type of pregnancy envy. I can't relate exactly to all those struggling with infertility and not having any children and those articles seem to reign supreme.
Anyways. I'm kneeling on our hard dining room floor (I was trying to work with our printer) and these old bones need to move!
Love and hugs.
Happy Trails :o)
Showing posts with label Pregnancy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pregnancy. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 11, 2018
Thursday, May 19, 2016
Fear
I went on a walk a couple weeks ago with the lady I work for personalizing ornaments during the holidays and we were talking about my postpartum struggles when she said something along the lines of, "In all honesty, if I were you I would never consider having more children because of all the challenges you've gone through postpartum, it's just too scary."
I appreciated her honesty, not everyone would be willing to state their opinion like that, but it's also worn on my soul and since our walk I've reflected more on the risks posed by subsequent pregnancies. I used to be so grateful for my pregnancy and birth experience that it overwhelmed any of the negatives presented by postpartum situations but now the pain and the fear of my condition is overwhelming my wonder at the miracle of motherhood.
Today at the gym I saw a couple pregnant ladies and instead of feeling jealous at the sight of their baby bumps I felt fear. Today I imagined myself in labor again and I imagined myself in a place of fear, not power. These are sad shifts in perspective for me and while I'm not able to say for certain that I will never consider having another child of my own I can say that the idea has seriously entered my conscious and will be seriously considered.
I'm not pressuring myself to make any decisions but these feelings are certainly worth noting. I know that having kids is a decision for me and the hubster to make together and that it's not a decision to be made hastily or out of fear and it's also something that we're not under a time crunch to decide so I don't even need to worry about this right now!
Just wanted to cast some light on my fear, bring my sadness into the light, drag my ruminating thoughts into plain view... hopefully I can let this go for a while and focus on getting better and my "now" instead of maybes and the future.
*deep breaths* One thing at a time :o)
I appreciated her honesty, not everyone would be willing to state their opinion like that, but it's also worn on my soul and since our walk I've reflected more on the risks posed by subsequent pregnancies. I used to be so grateful for my pregnancy and birth experience that it overwhelmed any of the negatives presented by postpartum situations but now the pain and the fear of my condition is overwhelming my wonder at the miracle of motherhood.
Today at the gym I saw a couple pregnant ladies and instead of feeling jealous at the sight of their baby bumps I felt fear. Today I imagined myself in labor again and I imagined myself in a place of fear, not power. These are sad shifts in perspective for me and while I'm not able to say for certain that I will never consider having another child of my own I can say that the idea has seriously entered my conscious and will be seriously considered.
I'm not pressuring myself to make any decisions but these feelings are certainly worth noting. I know that having kids is a decision for me and the hubster to make together and that it's not a decision to be made hastily or out of fear and it's also something that we're not under a time crunch to decide so I don't even need to worry about this right now!
Just wanted to cast some light on my fear, bring my sadness into the light, drag my ruminating thoughts into plain view... hopefully I can let this go for a while and focus on getting better and my "now" instead of maybes and the future.
*deep breaths* One thing at a time :o)
Wednesday, March 9, 2016
Caring Thoughts, Nice Read
Really related to this article and if there are any other bipolar ladies in the pregnancy arena they might appreciate it too?
My pregnancy went pretty well, no meds or major issues that I recall, but this postpartum. Sheesh. If only I'd been better prepared. If that would've even helped! I'm not sure!
Thinking of everyone and hoping they are well.
Be strong.
My pregnancy went pretty well, no meds or major issues that I recall, but this postpartum. Sheesh. If only I'd been better prepared. If that would've even helped! I'm not sure!
Thinking of everyone and hoping they are well.
Be strong.
Friday, April 3, 2015
Processing Birth
Overall my birth went exceedingly well. Sure, it took nearly 30 hours, but there were never any whispers about needing to transfer to the hospital, no pain meds, I didn't even have an IV. At worst I popped some hemorrhoids but had not a single tear to my perineum even with the big ole 10 lb baby. A success by most standards.
Despite all that, I came away from my birth with shame. I was embarrassed that as a doula I hadn't hired a doula and I thought that I must've done something wrong to be in labor so long. I was plagued by dwelling thoughts speculating what the midwives thought of me, wondering if I had been a "trouble client" for laboring so long and not having a doula.
It took me a few days and lots of reflecting with the hubbo before I started combating the shame. After asking the hubbo for umpteenth time, "So I didn't do too bad?" I realized my longstanding mental habits and low esteem were threatening my birth memories. I decided it was time to "do the doula" and help myself.
I told myself that A) It doesn't matter what the midwives think and B) I'm just a client to them, they won't remember me or my birth after a while! I emphasized how big Baby was, a fact that I was minimizing, ("it doesn't matter how big the baby is, any labor over 15 hours is just too long") when in reality it makes total sense for a big baby to take longer to get out. I also reminded myself that never once did I "give up" or "lose my shit." It was difficult but I kept coping, plodding along, no hysterics-that's not being a burdensome client, that's not embarrassing, that's commendable.
It was also important and difficult for me to stop comparing births and stop trying to give myself a grade. I think this was closely tied to my low self esteem and worthlessness issues. I spent all my school years and college years trying to get perfect grades to somehow make myself feel worthwhile, to earn love, and I was blindsided by how compelled I was to grade my birth. Everyone's birth is different and as the husband put it, "Ya got the baby out and you both were healthy, that's an A+!"
So, it's been a journey but I'm proud of my birth now. I even found myself walking around the other day thinking, "I'm a unicorn!" It's a rare thing to have a birth like my birth and that's nothing to be ashamed of!
The hubbo is convinced things would not have turned out so well had we been receiving OB care and birthing in a hospital and I agree. He thinks I would've been a cesarean for sure or at least torn or cut to high hell. It's scary to think of what my birth would've been like had we been at a hospital and we'll never know, but I do know it's heartbreaking to think I would've missed out on catching my baby and scary to think how much more difficult recovery would've been with birth injuries or a cesarean scar! I'm so lucky that I knew my options, a lot of ladies just don't have a clue what they're missing out on when it comes to maternity care and I'm lucky enough to have found out before I was in labor.
Oh, and did I mention my husband is now an outspoken supporter of out of hospital birth centers and unmedicated birth? Apparently he went into our pregnancy and birth with healthy skepticism and came out a changed man!
Despite all that, I came away from my birth with shame. I was embarrassed that as a doula I hadn't hired a doula and I thought that I must've done something wrong to be in labor so long. I was plagued by dwelling thoughts speculating what the midwives thought of me, wondering if I had been a "trouble client" for laboring so long and not having a doula.
It took me a few days and lots of reflecting with the hubbo before I started combating the shame. After asking the hubbo for umpteenth time, "So I didn't do too bad?" I realized my longstanding mental habits and low esteem were threatening my birth memories. I decided it was time to "do the doula" and help myself.
I told myself that A) It doesn't matter what the midwives think and B) I'm just a client to them, they won't remember me or my birth after a while! I emphasized how big Baby was, a fact that I was minimizing, ("it doesn't matter how big the baby is, any labor over 15 hours is just too long") when in reality it makes total sense for a big baby to take longer to get out. I also reminded myself that never once did I "give up" or "lose my shit." It was difficult but I kept coping, plodding along, no hysterics-that's not being a burdensome client, that's not embarrassing, that's commendable.
It was also important and difficult for me to stop comparing births and stop trying to give myself a grade. I think this was closely tied to my low self esteem and worthlessness issues. I spent all my school years and college years trying to get perfect grades to somehow make myself feel worthwhile, to earn love, and I was blindsided by how compelled I was to grade my birth. Everyone's birth is different and as the husband put it, "Ya got the baby out and you both were healthy, that's an A+!"
So, it's been a journey but I'm proud of my birth now. I even found myself walking around the other day thinking, "I'm a unicorn!" It's a rare thing to have a birth like my birth and that's nothing to be ashamed of!
The hubbo is convinced things would not have turned out so well had we been receiving OB care and birthing in a hospital and I agree. He thinks I would've been a cesarean for sure or at least torn or cut to high hell. It's scary to think of what my birth would've been like had we been at a hospital and we'll never know, but I do know it's heartbreaking to think I would've missed out on catching my baby and scary to think how much more difficult recovery would've been with birth injuries or a cesarean scar! I'm so lucky that I knew my options, a lot of ladies just don't have a clue what they're missing out on when it comes to maternity care and I'm lucky enough to have found out before I was in labor.
Oh, and did I mention my husband is now an outspoken supporter of out of hospital birth centers and unmedicated birth? Apparently he went into our pregnancy and birth with healthy skepticism and came out a changed man!
Friday, March 27, 2015
The Birth (Long post, but hey, I labored for 29 hours!)
This birth story requires a little context since I recognized some marvelous coincidences after reflecting on my pregnancy and birth. Instead of beginning with the first contraction I have to begin nearly 9 months prior, when my husband and I first suspected I was pregnant.
It was the evening of Friday, June 13th, and my husband and I had just received a positive result from our home pregnancy test. The shock and excitement made sleep impossible, so instead of our usual bedtime rituals we opted for a late night run to Dick's for burgers and fries. The 20 minute car drive was just what we needed: space and time to talk and plan and bask in the joy.
I had already calculated my due date, February 22nd, and upon inspection of a calendar my husband decisively stated, "He will come on February 27th. Yep." "A boy, huh?" I replied with a smirk, amused by my husband's certainty. Little did I know at the time he would be proven right all those months later.
Fast forward to Tuesday, February 24th and we're at the birth center chatting with the midwives. The past week had been especially difficult for me. The physical discomfort compounded by increasing emotional distress created a unique state that I described it as "cabin fever, except wherever you go the cabin goes with you." Thankfully the midwife and student midwife spent extra time with us and reassured me that the physical and emotional symptoms I described were all good indicators that my body was preparing for labor.
Though I hadn't been able to relax for over a week, the comforting appointment with the midwives helped me approach that Wednesday with a fresh attitude. I was still anxious and uncomfortable but I was able to release the tension and embrace the unknown, accepting that labor would start exactly when it needed to begin.
That night, my husband and I focused on enjoying each others' company-and enjoyed each other's company a little vigorously, I might add, before deciding that night would be a good night to do another Dick's run to "bookend" the pregnancy. It was a risky endeavor staying out so late and getting to bed around midnight, but it suited our "let it be" mood and for all we knew it might be our last chance.
We had no idea how right we were.
The morning of February 26th I awoke at 3:00 AM with labor pains. The contractions came stronger and closer together than I expected and I wasn't able to sleep. I rested as best I could between contractions while sitting up on the couch, watching early morning news and of course, “The Golden Girls.”
By 10:30 AM Kevin had been up for a few hours doing errands and helping make sure I ate. I decided to take a shower and my walk to the bathroom was perfectly timed for a surprise-attack barf. We called the birth center but I was coping well and my contractions weren't too fast and furious, so we ended up playing phone tag for the rest of the day waiting for "something to feel different."
Around 5:30 PM things were more frustrating, though my contractions hadn't seemed to change much. Not wanting to labor into the night without any idea how far along I was, we called the midwife again and made plans to come in to the birth center for an exam. Just before we let the apartment I lost my mucous plug and barfed-both good signs and definitely something different but I was still concerned about my progress.
I was feeling discouraged and skeptical as we got to the birth center, even thinking that I might have to transfer to hospital for medication if I wasn't progressing: doubt and discouragement had entered my mind and my confidence was buckling. As it turned out, I was further along than anyone suspected. The midwife examined me at 6:55 PM and revealed that I was 6 cm dilated and ready to labor at the birth center.
The news of such progress was a lift to my spirits but the confidence boost only lasted so long. Eventually I labored on fumes and stubborn spirit, my confidence silenced long before the Vance Joy album we listened to for at least 7 hours straight. Somehow I kept on going and at 1:45 AM another exam showed I was fully dilated. We decided to rupture my bag of waters to try and speed up the labor.
By 4:00 AM the hubby and I were both barely conscious between contractions and I was finally feeling pushy. I alternated between pushing in the tub, on the toilet, on the birth stool, and on the bed; my husband following me around with the water bottle and electrolyte gels. I knew that the pushing would be difficult for me but I found a technique that worked, including a rather memorable type of vocalization that my husband swears sounded exactly like a 2-stroke mower engine (I described it as a weed whacker noise).
For nearly three hours it felt like I wasn't making any progress. I'd read birth stories where women described feeling baby descending as they pushed but I had no sense of baby moving down; that paired with the exertion of pushing left me feeling hopeless. All I could do was succumb to the pushing urge and take one contraction at a time. Around 7:45 AM the midwives asked if I wanted to change from pushing on my back in bed to pushing on the birth stool and I said yes.
In less than 15 minutes I was crowning. The midwife told me to feel for baby and I could hardly believe that I had actually made it that far; the exhaustion and hormones had left me entirely too loopy to make sense of it all. I blew out short puffs of air when she prompted me to slow down and not push while my tissues stretched. I remember thinking, "Am I really crowning? I can't be, this isn't that bad!" I felt the tingling sensations, some stinging, a heaviness, and an overwhelming sense of anticipation but not pain, not burning, not fear or panic-it didn't seem "bad enough" to be the dreaded crowning stage.
The next contraction wasn't about to be ignored. I looked at my midwife in mild panic, "I gotta go for it!." Completely calm she nodded and told me to listen to my body. I did and pushed with short nudges until I felt the head emerge into my hands followed by a gush of fluid. A few heavy breaths and I was compelled to push again, the rest of baby's body slipping into the world. The midwife aided my efforts while I grappled with the slimy, purple form and pulled my baby up to my lap. It was 8:02 AM on February 27th, exactly two weeks after my 26th birthday and exactly the date my husband had predicted all those months ago!
Baby was big and purple and quiet. I rubbed his feet and back and talked to him, trying to get him to cry but he only snorted. Eventually the midwives helped me stand up and get into the bed, which was a feat considering baby and I were still attached by the umbilical cord. The midwife suctioned his mouth and nose and Baby cried, starting to pink up.
Baby was strong and despite the quiet entrance had no issues whatsoever-and neither did I! No complications throughout the labor and birth, not even a single tear and I got to catch my 10 lbs 1 oz baby even after 29 hours of labor.
It may have taken about twice as long as expected but overall I got the birth I had hoped for. There were countless moments when I thought that I wouldn’t make it through. Reflecting on the labor I’m struck by how long I was discouraged and amazed by my perseverance. I’m so glad I stuck it out. It wasn’t easy, but I’ll always cherish my birth experience and I’m so proud!
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
One Crampy Zeppelin
Today wasn't a spectacular day but it went pretty well (other than falling asleep with my head lolling around so I woke up a little sore in the neck). I think yesterday's appointment with my favorite midwife and student midwife really helped my mood so today I didn't feel quite as overwhelmed and moody.
Still pregnant but I was able to focus on relaxing instead of agonizing. At the grocery store an employee struck up a conversation about my very obvious pregnancy and when asked "How far along are you?" I replied "All the way." Thankfully the ladies that ask me about it are pretty understanding when I say that I was due a few days ago, offering encouragement instead of focusing on the negatives...
And with that my energy for the day is spent! Hoping I can get a little more sleep tonight than last night but I won't hold my breath. Those potty breaks every 3 hours are just getting more and more difficult-makes me feel like a hippo with a turtle shell trying to get outta bed anymore!
Still pregnant but I was able to focus on relaxing instead of agonizing. At the grocery store an employee struck up a conversation about my very obvious pregnancy and when asked "How far along are you?" I replied "All the way." Thankfully the ladies that ask me about it are pretty understanding when I say that I was due a few days ago, offering encouragement instead of focusing on the negatives...
And with that my energy for the day is spent! Hoping I can get a little more sleep tonight than last night but I won't hold my breath. Those potty breaks every 3 hours are just getting more and more difficult-makes me feel like a hippo with a turtle shell trying to get outta bed anymore!
Monday, February 23, 2015
Still Pregnant
Yep. Still pregnant.
Trying to focus on the positives and enjoying my last days as part of a family of 2 but I'm losing my grip...
The last few days I've been more emotional and unstable, going from perfectly fine to utterly despairing in no time. Emotionally and physically I feel like I'm nearing a breaking point and the frustration is only exacerbated by my internal criticism and awareness that I'm well within normal limits and could be pregnant for a week or more still.
I also think the anxiety and dwelling thoughts lately triggered extra fear as I am reminded of my mental health history, kinda makes things worse having past episodes haunting me... Gonna try to take it easier on myself and focus on staying relaxed-and getting some sunshine.
Oh, and avoiding dairy. Me and too much dairy equals a concrete factory and this weekend things got a little outta hand with ice cream and chocolate milk and such! What a cherry for the top of my cranky-ass sundae!
Today I woke up in a pretty low mood but my mom came up for a visit since I've been feeling down and it was good to be kept busy and have someone to shoot the breeze with and decompress with today. We hung around home for a little bit, I made bran muffins, then we walked about some shops for a bit before ending up at the mall for lunch because I couldn't figure out what I wanted so we opted for a food court. My hands swelled up while we were walking around but a little sit down and water and I was back to normal pretty fast.
It was a good visit and even though no one knows when I'll have my baby it was nice to hear Mom say "don't worry, it won't be much longer!" She thinks I'll have a baby by this weekend and I sure hope she's right.
This picture pretty much captures it all....
Trying to focus on the positives and enjoying my last days as part of a family of 2 but I'm losing my grip...
The last few days I've been more emotional and unstable, going from perfectly fine to utterly despairing in no time. Emotionally and physically I feel like I'm nearing a breaking point and the frustration is only exacerbated by my internal criticism and awareness that I'm well within normal limits and could be pregnant for a week or more still.
I also think the anxiety and dwelling thoughts lately triggered extra fear as I am reminded of my mental health history, kinda makes things worse having past episodes haunting me... Gonna try to take it easier on myself and focus on staying relaxed-and getting some sunshine.
Oh, and avoiding dairy. Me and too much dairy equals a concrete factory and this weekend things got a little outta hand with ice cream and chocolate milk and such! What a cherry for the top of my cranky-ass sundae!
Today I woke up in a pretty low mood but my mom came up for a visit since I've been feeling down and it was good to be kept busy and have someone to shoot the breeze with and decompress with today. We hung around home for a little bit, I made bran muffins, then we walked about some shops for a bit before ending up at the mall for lunch because I couldn't figure out what I wanted so we opted for a food court. My hands swelled up while we were walking around but a little sit down and water and I was back to normal pretty fast.
It was a good visit and even though no one knows when I'll have my baby it was nice to hear Mom say "don't worry, it won't be much longer!" She thinks I'll have a baby by this weekend and I sure hope she's right.
This picture pretty much captures it all....
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
Belly Cast Project
Quite a few stages but here's the belly cast including the initial cast, trim, smoothing finish, sanding, base coat, and then all the little painting stages I spread out over the last 10 days or so.
The hubster got more attached to the project than we expected so he got to chime in on the design a bit too-we ended up mushing together "galactic/night sky/constellations" and "mandalas" and "labyrinth" and "bright colors, like purple and orange" though I refused to add a squirrel or portrait of Millie...
Believe it or not we still have a couple stages to go-the hubster has to spray a clear coat on the inside of the cast and the front and we have to rig up a system to hang it on the wall.
I wasn't quite sure how I wanted it to turn out and while I love certain aspects I'm not sure if I'm supremely happy with the entire piece... Though I'm never thrilled with any of my crafts so I guess being satisfied is about as good as it gets!
As for the hubby he was surprised to find the whole project more interesting than he initially expected and "not just for hippy-dippy types." He's a fan of the paint job and likes the sparkly/metallic parts :)
In other news, we had a midwifery appointment today and while I was feeling pretty pissy due to more Facebook "any baby yet?" nags I felt a lot better hearing that baby was in a better position and a bit lower this week.
Still day-by-day, anybody's guess when baby will arrive!
Sunday, February 15, 2015
A Lovely Weekend
My birthday was Friday, yes, "Friday the 13th" and no, that doesn't bother me. I actually feel extra special when my birthday lands on a Friday regardless of superstitious allusions.
Anyways! It was a great birthday. I had a good day at home and enjoyed the Valentine's Day special for The Price is Right, painted on the belly cast, even got some chores done before the hubster got home early and surprised me with flowers. We enjoyed our afternoon before getting dressed up for dinner at our favorite Indian place. My parents met us there and even though it was a little out of their comfort zone we had a great time and they enjoyed the food-especially the butter chicken and tandoori.
After dinner they came up for games, coffee or beer, and cake. I won both games! I was pretty surprised but if my dad hadn't been playing so fast and loose with made up words on Scrabble he probably would've beat me... On the other hand, Ticket to Ride was a bit of a slaughter. I swear playing with the blue cars makes me sneakier, like no one is threatened by the pretty blue and I chug under the radar. Before you ask if they let me win because it was my birthday and I'm "in a delicate condition," think again. We're pretty cutthroat, won't even give ya a game if you're the one in the hospital!
Saturday was Valentine's Day so the hubby and I made chocolate chip pancakes only to discover we had no clean forks (the dishwasher hadn't gotten run the night before). He gave me the last plastic emergency fork from the closet while he spooned his pancakes and I thought of it as a funny Valentine's Day gift of sorts. It was a slow Saturday for us and the abundance of food from the previous night's dinner made for a bountiful and delicious lunch while our mushroom alfredo dinner was easy and delicious as well.
We always exchange cards but this year I shook things up and got the hubster a Valentine's Day gift. Nothing major, just a custom mug from Shutterfly. It has a picture of us with the bump and the ultrasound picture and it says "No one else I'd rather share a foxhole with" and "Love ya, hun! Valentine's Day 2015." Other than that, we just approach the day with a little more romance and cheer and try not to overdo it on sweets :)
It had been quite a while since I felt so relaxed, but Saturday was delightful. Today seems to be following suit and the beautiful weather is only upping the ante. So very nice to have such a lovely weekend... Almost made me forget about the baby in my belly ready to drop at any moment!
Here's a bump shot from Friday... I think the odd face kinda captures the complex mood of the moment, happy but a little wore out with a dash of cranky!
Anyways! It was a great birthday. I had a good day at home and enjoyed the Valentine's Day special for The Price is Right, painted on the belly cast, even got some chores done before the hubster got home early and surprised me with flowers. We enjoyed our afternoon before getting dressed up for dinner at our favorite Indian place. My parents met us there and even though it was a little out of their comfort zone we had a great time and they enjoyed the food-especially the butter chicken and tandoori.
After dinner they came up for games, coffee or beer, and cake. I won both games! I was pretty surprised but if my dad hadn't been playing so fast and loose with made up words on Scrabble he probably would've beat me... On the other hand, Ticket to Ride was a bit of a slaughter. I swear playing with the blue cars makes me sneakier, like no one is threatened by the pretty blue and I chug under the radar. Before you ask if they let me win because it was my birthday and I'm "in a delicate condition," think again. We're pretty cutthroat, won't even give ya a game if you're the one in the hospital!
Saturday was Valentine's Day so the hubby and I made chocolate chip pancakes only to discover we had no clean forks (the dishwasher hadn't gotten run the night before). He gave me the last plastic emergency fork from the closet while he spooned his pancakes and I thought of it as a funny Valentine's Day gift of sorts. It was a slow Saturday for us and the abundance of food from the previous night's dinner made for a bountiful and delicious lunch while our mushroom alfredo dinner was easy and delicious as well.
We always exchange cards but this year I shook things up and got the hubster a Valentine's Day gift. Nothing major, just a custom mug from Shutterfly. It has a picture of us with the bump and the ultrasound picture and it says "No one else I'd rather share a foxhole with" and "Love ya, hun! Valentine's Day 2015." Other than that, we just approach the day with a little more romance and cheer and try not to overdo it on sweets :)
It had been quite a while since I felt so relaxed, but Saturday was delightful. Today seems to be following suit and the beautiful weather is only upping the ante. So very nice to have such a lovely weekend... Almost made me forget about the baby in my belly ready to drop at any moment!
Here's a bump shot from Friday... I think the odd face kinda captures the complex mood of the moment, happy but a little wore out with a dash of cranky!
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Wow, Got Dark Fast!
No, I'm talking about weather or the night sky, I'm referring to my February 10th.
I posted on the 9th about my symptoms and how I've been feeling but the next day I felt pretty down about it all. I think going back for a midwifery appointment when I'd rather be going in ready to have a baby ruffled my feathers, or another day of feeling like a back alley beating victim was just the last straw, whatever the reason my mood got dark pretty fast yesterday.
By evening time I was near tears and sulking about, lying in bed wondering why I felt so shitty despite understanding the frustrations of late pregnancy-the classic logical crevasse between feelings and thoughts that can make depressive moods so slimy.
Somehow I made it through the night without baking and eating a cake or an entire batch of cookies, though the sweet temptations were running through my brain like crazy. I think part of my increased susceptibility to poor eating lately has to do with slipping on my sugar consumption and reawakening an addiction coupled with feeling so crappy and veering into the land of comfort eating. It ain't fun. Fighting those demons (for fear of my own health and a Jabba the Hut baby to boot) and trying to cope with my piss poor moods and lack of appetite has sucked.
I went to bed feeling pretty bad last night and woke up feeling dejected. I stared into the ether for a while before getting up and making myself some ramen around 6:20 am to eat while I watched local news and traffic and sat with my heating pad and Fio. Thankfully I was able to return to bed and sleep from 7:00 am, waking up twice but resting pretty well until 9:40 am, just in time for Fio's potty break before The Price is Right (my saving grace lately... food might not motivate me to get outta bed but I will definitely get moving to catch my game show haha).
That early "nap" or "make up sleep" seemed to do the trick. I didn't have an appetite today but my mood definitely perked up after that morning sleep and I was able to get about my day with a new outlook.
I guess things can lighten up just as quickly as they can darken, huh?
I posted on the 9th about my symptoms and how I've been feeling but the next day I felt pretty down about it all. I think going back for a midwifery appointment when I'd rather be going in ready to have a baby ruffled my feathers, or another day of feeling like a back alley beating victim was just the last straw, whatever the reason my mood got dark pretty fast yesterday.
By evening time I was near tears and sulking about, lying in bed wondering why I felt so shitty despite understanding the frustrations of late pregnancy-the classic logical crevasse between feelings and thoughts that can make depressive moods so slimy.
Somehow I made it through the night without baking and eating a cake or an entire batch of cookies, though the sweet temptations were running through my brain like crazy. I think part of my increased susceptibility to poor eating lately has to do with slipping on my sugar consumption and reawakening an addiction coupled with feeling so crappy and veering into the land of comfort eating. It ain't fun. Fighting those demons (for fear of my own health and a Jabba the Hut baby to boot) and trying to cope with my piss poor moods and lack of appetite has sucked.
I went to bed feeling pretty bad last night and woke up feeling dejected. I stared into the ether for a while before getting up and making myself some ramen around 6:20 am to eat while I watched local news and traffic and sat with my heating pad and Fio. Thankfully I was able to return to bed and sleep from 7:00 am, waking up twice but resting pretty well until 9:40 am, just in time for Fio's potty break before The Price is Right (my saving grace lately... food might not motivate me to get outta bed but I will definitely get moving to catch my game show haha).
That early "nap" or "make up sleep" seemed to do the trick. I didn't have an appetite today but my mood definitely perked up after that morning sleep and I was able to get about my day with a new outlook.
I guess things can lighten up just as quickly as they can darken, huh?
Monday, February 9, 2015
Waddle Upgrade
Yesterday and today I've had some worsened pains in my hips. Some tendon or muscle or squishy body part that I don't know the name for seems to be more upset than usual. My usual waddles aren't cutting it as far as avoiding pain so I've upped my game and have been taking extra-short steps and waddling a bit extra-ugly to try and manage. Not sure if it's just baby weight messing with me or if the busy weekend got to me, either way I'm taking it slow.
In other pregnancy news I've been feeling more pressure and zingers, more intense Braxton Hicks, cramps, and more gas and gurgles than usual just for good measure. Actually feels like a bad PMS day (which explains all the cookies in the house). Basically I'm slowly working my way toward the "I don't care how I just want this baby out NOW" phase. I'm not quite there, but I feel like I'm on the right path ;)
Oh yeah, this weekend involved some hysteria too! I started laughing myself to tears over a random funny mind blip only to find myself unsettled by some spousal conflict and crying for real the next moment. No worries though, the hubster followed me shortly after I fled the scene and we were able to come back together. We've both been a bit wore out so we've been sensitive and snippy, another sign of late pregnancy I think!
So we're taking things day by day and I'm trying to maintain my cool even as symptoms continue to pile up and I find myself more emotionally compromised than usual. So far I've felt pretty even-keeled as far depressive or hypomanic moods, just the occasional spouts of hormonal rage or tears catching me and the hubbo by surprise. Hoping it's just another sign of impending babyness!
Enough to drive a pregnant lady crazy knowing it could be a couple days or a few weeks til her baby comes!... As if we aren't sensitive enough, Nature had to make us into walking time bombs????
Let the fun times roll on!
In other pregnancy news I've been feeling more pressure and zingers, more intense Braxton Hicks, cramps, and more gas and gurgles than usual just for good measure. Actually feels like a bad PMS day (which explains all the cookies in the house). Basically I'm slowly working my way toward the "I don't care how I just want this baby out NOW" phase. I'm not quite there, but I feel like I'm on the right path ;)
Oh yeah, this weekend involved some hysteria too! I started laughing myself to tears over a random funny mind blip only to find myself unsettled by some spousal conflict and crying for real the next moment. No worries though, the hubster followed me shortly after I fled the scene and we were able to come back together. We've both been a bit wore out so we've been sensitive and snippy, another sign of late pregnancy I think!
So we're taking things day by day and I'm trying to maintain my cool even as symptoms continue to pile up and I find myself more emotionally compromised than usual. So far I've felt pretty even-keeled as far depressive or hypomanic moods, just the occasional spouts of hormonal rage or tears catching me and the hubbo by surprise. Hoping it's just another sign of impending babyness!
Enough to drive a pregnant lady crazy knowing it could be a couple days or a few weeks til her baby comes!... As if we aren't sensitive enough, Nature had to make us into walking time bombs????
Let the fun times roll on!
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
February is Finally Here
While I realize that Baby could arrive as late as the first week of March, it really feels like this is the month!
Tick tock....
I haven't had any drastic changes in symptoms but feel the "lightning crotch" zings and zangs, pelvic pressure, light cramps and back pain everyday. Now that I'm here in the final countdown I find myself wobbling between utter calm and walking on eggshells waiting for any sign of labor. It's exciting and sensing the end makes me reflect on the pregnancy as a whole.
Time really does fly when you're pregnant. It seems like the hubbo and I were just talking about babies and making plans and here we are about to experience the realization of all those hypotheticals! No more episodes of baby fever (though I have had fits of hysterical crying for other reasons), no more wondering how I'll cope with the next bout of raging hormones, instead I'm wondering how I'll cope with an infant.
The hubster is getting more and more excited to meet baby whereas I feel nervous. Strangely, I feel most nervous about meeting baby and not the birth. I suppose having been at several births makes me confident in the process and that I'll make it through somehow but meeting baby is another matter. It feels like the first day of school and I'm not sure if I'll make friends. I never thought I would worry about bonding with my baby but here I am, about to meet my baby and wondering if we'll like each other!
I'm also worried about changing from my body taking care of Baby from the inside to taking care of Baby on the outside, in the "real world." I don't have much experience with babies but I do know it's exhausting and having had days with depressive episodes where taking a shower is a monumental task, I can't help but worry about keeping up with a child.
I don't know exactly how things will work out but I feel like my worries are natural and normal. Being pregnant has made me realize how vast changes can take place almost without notice over a length of time. Even with the gradual changes over the last several months I've had days where I felt overwhelmed but then somehow better days came when I adjusted to the new challenges and regained a sense of "normal" and "okay."
Even if I'm a little worried about bonding with baby and tackling motherhood, I think it'll be okay and I hope I can maintain that belief when the going gets rough, or at the very least "just keep swimming" as Dori would say.
Only time will tell what this new phase holds in store, and only time will tell when I'm actually going to pop and get to meet my baby!
Tick tock....
:)
Saturday, January 31, 2015
My Eyes Are Melting!!!
Yet here I am still facing a computer screen. D'oh.
I've been watching too much video media and scrolling too much news feed crap the past week. It really feels like my brains are liquefying and my eyes are gonna jelly and melt out of my face!
That being said, my mindlessness has garnered a few laughs and one in particular I thought was relevant and shareworthy; this video got me teary after a good smirk and giggle to boot.
I think all the pending motherhood pressure burbled up after viewing this video... I was just discussing the "baby industrial complex" with my mom while she was up for a visit and shopping for baby things. I've tried to focus on the "essentials" and not the trendy "must-haves" but so much exposure to marketing and consumption have worn on me. I feel pressure to have everything just right and know what I'm doing before I'm even out the gate!
All the consumer pressure is just part of the larger parenthood rat race, which I was reminded of at the baby shower with people gushing advice and success stories about their baby ventures. It felt nice to have people talk to me but it didn't take very long for me to recognize that it was more about them than offering real support or help. The facade of sisterhood was present but the stink of insecurity and compensation tainted the conversation. I couldn't help but feel sorry for them and their eternal struggle to be good enough even as my own war torn esteem flared with anxiety! Genuine concern and conversation is such a rare beast, isn't it?
Thankfully the hubster and my mom and this video have been very helpful in reminding me that I'm just fine being the mother I am going to be with whatever accouterments I happen to favor in whatever style I happen to adopt.
I think it's about time for another conscious "turtling" and withdrawal to focus on what's really important; turning off the search engine, unplugging and being okay in my skin for a while without all the outside input.
Ahh. Kinda nice to set aside the weight of all that pressure. As the hubby would say, "We just gotta feed 'em, diaper 'em, love 'em, and keep 'em alive!" Basics. Sponsored by Common Sense and Ancestors Without Superstores ;)
In other news, excited for the Super Bowl tomorrow but afraid of a nail biter-could be a stressful game! Go Hawks!
I've been watching too much video media and scrolling too much news feed crap the past week. It really feels like my brains are liquefying and my eyes are gonna jelly and melt out of my face!
That being said, my mindlessness has garnered a few laughs and one in particular I thought was relevant and shareworthy; this video got me teary after a good smirk and giggle to boot.
I think all the pending motherhood pressure burbled up after viewing this video... I was just discussing the "baby industrial complex" with my mom while she was up for a visit and shopping for baby things. I've tried to focus on the "essentials" and not the trendy "must-haves" but so much exposure to marketing and consumption have worn on me. I feel pressure to have everything just right and know what I'm doing before I'm even out the gate!
All the consumer pressure is just part of the larger parenthood rat race, which I was reminded of at the baby shower with people gushing advice and success stories about their baby ventures. It felt nice to have people talk to me but it didn't take very long for me to recognize that it was more about them than offering real support or help. The facade of sisterhood was present but the stink of insecurity and compensation tainted the conversation. I couldn't help but feel sorry for them and their eternal struggle to be good enough even as my own war torn esteem flared with anxiety! Genuine concern and conversation is such a rare beast, isn't it?
Thankfully the hubster and my mom and this video have been very helpful in reminding me that I'm just fine being the mother I am going to be with whatever accouterments I happen to favor in whatever style I happen to adopt.
I think it's about time for another conscious "turtling" and withdrawal to focus on what's really important; turning off the search engine, unplugging and being okay in my skin for a while without all the outside input.
Ahh. Kinda nice to set aside the weight of all that pressure. As the hubby would say, "We just gotta feed 'em, diaper 'em, love 'em, and keep 'em alive!" Basics. Sponsored by Common Sense and Ancestors Without Superstores ;)
In other news, excited for the Super Bowl tomorrow but afraid of a nail biter-could be a stressful game! Go Hawks!
Thursday, January 29, 2015
Busy Busy Busy
Saturday was our baby shower so last week was last minute errands and then the trek south. Thankfully we were pretty prepared with a plan of attack and lists of supplies to be purchased right before the shower but it was still tiring.
I had my usual pre and post event anxiety (with the post event fallout being worse, as usual) but overall I think things went really well. We had exactly 24 people which meant exactly 6 tables for BUNCO which was exactly what we had prepped for! We got RSVPs from many people but there was still an element of mystery so I was very surprised when our estimate was right on.
Our Costco food plan went over well and the party went pretty smoothly. We had a great time playing BUNCO and while I'm not a huge fan of opening gifts playing gift bingo seemed to help distract from the awkwardness.
I think the gifts were a huge source of anxiety for me. Before the shower I was worried about getting what we need for baby and after the shower I was worried about getting what we need. Ha! Lots of cute stuff of course but not a single pack of diapers and only one pack of wipes! My mom and the hubster reassured me that our baby will be taken care of and on a rational level I understand that but the pre-birth anxiety, hormonally crazed, control freak Hannah level resists all convincing.
That said we brought home our first box of Costco diapers and wipes last night :) The wittle diapers are so wittle! I told the hubster he had to check them out and he pulled one out and said, "They're so cute. They're so fucking cute." Haha He also insisted on getting the "Frozen" themed baby wipes. That's my man! Kinda funny since we watched the movie once and weren't that into it, but Disney is Disney.
In other shower-related news my sister wasn't able to attend but gave me a call and heads up and even sent a little card saying she wished she could be there and wishing us love. I would've enjoyed having her but it worked out so perfectly with who showed up and her giving me notice leaves me very un-bothered :)
On the other hand, my "best friend" did not show and did not give notice despite having texted me the night before the shower. I'll admit I wasn't at my finest communication-wise since it was past 8:30 and I was playing a game with the fam but it was one of those conversations (as much as texting is a conversation) that goes on for half an hour without saying anything at all. I was annoyed enough by that but then to realize she blew me off after talking about being there for so many months doesn't sit well with me.
Funnily enough I didn't even notice her absence until my mother-in-law or somebody at the shower asked about her. Whoops. I guess we've grown more distant than I initially thought! Ever since that doomed visit in October and the subsequent realization that I put out too much without getting enough back I've been withdrawing my commitment to our relationship. I still feel guilt pangs but I think I have a case and it seems like a natural development. Our lives are diverging and have been for some time. It's scary to release one of the only friends I consider myself to have but I try to remember that there is opportunity for new friendships in the future, I just can't see them yet.
In other news, I'm on to weekly midwife appointments and feeling more preggers than ever. Just when I think the belly can't grow any rounder it does and new stretch marks pop up or existing ones seem to expand like they're in a carnival funhouse mirror! I've been feeling zings and zangs in my pelvis and baby's putting more and more pressure on my bladder. Rolling out of bed keeps getting more complicated too.
Overall, it's more of the same. The only thing that I've been worried about is weight and diet. The hubster and I are exhausted and my mood swings have been throwing him for a loop so our usually mild bickering has become more toxic and frustrating. Thankfully we are conscious of the issue and trying to work through it but it's got me stressing and concerned and bombarded with comfort food impulses. I only ate one corndog and half a pint of Ben & Jerry's this week but considering how well I've been eating that is definitely a sign of the times!
I suppose it's only natural to feel at the end of your rope when you've made it this far into a pregnancy. We're both ready to be done, even if we're not quite sure what we're getting into once the baby is out!
Oh, in other-other news the pets will be getting a round of flea treatments and the house will be worked over before we take all the pets in for more worm treatments. We thought we nipped it in the bud but now the vet tech is thinking we have tapeworm not roundworm (so what was the point of the fecal sample testing, may I ask?) and they all have to go in for a shot of some kind. We don't have a flaming flea problem, the pets don't even seem that itchy, but it's been such a mild winter, who knows? I haven't seen any but then again, they are fleas.
Here's a pic from this weekend with my pumpkin :)
Monday, January 19, 2015
Slow, Fat Day
Did a lot of laundry today and ran some errands this afternoon but the majority of my day was spent lying around. I didn't have much motivation for anything else. I did enjoy the movie I watched, "What a Way to Go!" with Shirley MacLaine and a bunch of other stars, and I didn't find myself in too bad a mental landscape-so all is decent.
Feeling really BIG today. Baby is bearing down low when I'm standing or walking and a can feel zings through nerves around my bladder and pelvis throughout the day. It's getting old fast. I'm freaking out a little that baby is exploding (growth wise) in there and that I'm going to have some mammoth child with walrus rolls. I know I didn't quadruple in size overnight but today it sure felt like it.
We watched the Hawks game yesterday and are still stunned. So much drama. I said to the hubbo, "After a game like that waiting for this baby is gonna be nuthin!" My mom mentioned going south for the Super Bowl since a family friend is a Pats fan but the more I'm waddling about the more I'm thinking of limiting trips outta town til baby comes. We have a trip south this weekend for the shower, so we'll see how that treats me.
Still coping with some anxiety and running thoughts but framing it as a late pregnancy symptom seems to help me keep from freaking out too bad. The hubster is being helpful too as we navigate some tumultuous territory.
Yesterday he was playing fetch with the dog and the bone hit a door near me and startled me. In my tightly wound, over emotional state the crash of a bone on door proved to be too much and I started blubbering tears. The hubster was a little befuddled (understandable) but within a few seconds fell into a comforting back rub/semi-hug while murmuring that I was okay and safe.
Just the week before last I was bemoaning moving to weekly midwifery appointments and now I feel like they're more than called for. Between feeling like baby is growing like the Hulk and all the emotions I think the weekly check-ins will be helpful and reassuring.
In other news I had a little giggle this morning when I found a kitchen label turned around:
Apparently someone replaced all my spoons with snoods! Things might be getting a bit hairy in the kitchen ;)
Oh yeah, speaking of which, I did barf this morning. Not in the kitchen, just a "hairy" situation.
I choked on my own spit while lying around and all the convulsing got the barf ball rolling. Unfortunately the barf was quicker than I was today and I missed the toilet a bit trying to aim from a standing position. It was only bran flakes but it was sure a pain in the ass trying to get all the bits out from little crevices in the toilet. Somehow I splooshed right at the crack of the lid mechanism.... Not exactly how one would prefer to cap a barf off!
Friday, January 16, 2015
What a Wednesday
Wednesday was the first "bad day" I've had in a long time, and yes by "bad day" I mean depressive/episodic.
I've been having a hard time sleeping lately (shocker) so I've been sleeping in til about 9:30 am pretty regularly but Wednesday I didn't get out of bed until 11:00 am. There may have been a bowl of cereal in there somewhere to tide me over, but the point is I was dragging like I haven't dragged in a long time.
Of course, just lying in bed for longer wasn't the real bad part, it was the scary thoughts that made it an episode. I felt so isolated and sad and hopeless. There wasn't true suicidal ideation, no plans or such, but I did visualize myself dead and alone in the apartment. It was scary. I think the worst part of it all was the fear that the thoughts would get worse, that I would descend into further darkness or that this mood was just the beginning of a postpartum issue or larger depressive episode.
Thankfully I was able to talk to the hubster about it that day and I think we did a good job refocusing on getting through the day and not buying into the fear. He also made a good point that it's a really great thing that I've made it so long without really bad days and that I noticed this. Me being so hard on myself, "but I was doing so well for so long" etc., isn't the best but acknowledging that I've been doing better is a good step.
In addition to the scary thoughts I totally lost my appetite. It was really hard to eat enough Wednesday and I found myself feeling faint and sick. The hubbo reassured me baby would be fine, one or two days of not eating enough isn't going to ruin anything, but I felt guilty. Like I said, I'd been doing so well for so long having a rough day seemed like an immense failure.
Thursday things were still a little sticky but I definitely took a different approach to the day and got myself moving. I made it to the grocery store and got pulled pork going in the CrockPot, even did some cleaning. Still had problems with no appetite but ate better overall.
Today I still feel like I'm recovering a bit but definitely on an upswing. It's tough balancing pregnancy exhaustion with needing to keep busy to ward off the depressive slide, all while trying to avoid punitive over-activity like cleaning to the point of delirium (one of my long standing, sneaky self-harming habits).
So, it's been a bit of a roller coaster week but I think I'm making it through and I'm glad for that.
In other news, Iroh seems to have some signs of worms clinging to his ass fur again. *JOY* I've been trying to pay attention to his activity and get a stool sample for the vet but haven't caught him in the act yet. So not excited for "Worms Part Deux." The other animals seem fine, I'm just a little sick of pet maintenance at the moment!
I've been trying to slowly clean the house as part of baby preparations but it seems like I barely make any progress. Just trying to keep up with laundry and vacuuming and the kitchen on a day-to-day basis and the "oh gawd I can't stand for another second, I gotta lay down" tiredness or aches makes special projects seem like pie in the sky goals. My mom said she'd come up and help me clean after the shower so I'm banking on that.
I've been having a hard time sleeping lately (shocker) so I've been sleeping in til about 9:30 am pretty regularly but Wednesday I didn't get out of bed until 11:00 am. There may have been a bowl of cereal in there somewhere to tide me over, but the point is I was dragging like I haven't dragged in a long time.
Of course, just lying in bed for longer wasn't the real bad part, it was the scary thoughts that made it an episode. I felt so isolated and sad and hopeless. There wasn't true suicidal ideation, no plans or such, but I did visualize myself dead and alone in the apartment. It was scary. I think the worst part of it all was the fear that the thoughts would get worse, that I would descend into further darkness or that this mood was just the beginning of a postpartum issue or larger depressive episode.
Thankfully I was able to talk to the hubster about it that day and I think we did a good job refocusing on getting through the day and not buying into the fear. He also made a good point that it's a really great thing that I've made it so long without really bad days and that I noticed this. Me being so hard on myself, "but I was doing so well for so long" etc., isn't the best but acknowledging that I've been doing better is a good step.
In addition to the scary thoughts I totally lost my appetite. It was really hard to eat enough Wednesday and I found myself feeling faint and sick. The hubbo reassured me baby would be fine, one or two days of not eating enough isn't going to ruin anything, but I felt guilty. Like I said, I'd been doing so well for so long having a rough day seemed like an immense failure.
Thursday things were still a little sticky but I definitely took a different approach to the day and got myself moving. I made it to the grocery store and got pulled pork going in the CrockPot, even did some cleaning. Still had problems with no appetite but ate better overall.
Today I still feel like I'm recovering a bit but definitely on an upswing. It's tough balancing pregnancy exhaustion with needing to keep busy to ward off the depressive slide, all while trying to avoid punitive over-activity like cleaning to the point of delirium (one of my long standing, sneaky self-harming habits).
So, it's been a bit of a roller coaster week but I think I'm making it through and I'm glad for that.
In other news, Iroh seems to have some signs of worms clinging to his ass fur again. *JOY* I've been trying to pay attention to his activity and get a stool sample for the vet but haven't caught him in the act yet. So not excited for "Worms Part Deux." The other animals seem fine, I'm just a little sick of pet maintenance at the moment!
I've been trying to slowly clean the house as part of baby preparations but it seems like I barely make any progress. Just trying to keep up with laundry and vacuuming and the kitchen on a day-to-day basis and the "oh gawd I can't stand for another second, I gotta lay down" tiredness or aches makes special projects seem like pie in the sky goals. My mom said she'd come up and help me clean after the shower so I'm banking on that.
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Feelin' Real Pregnant
It's difficult for me to make statements sometimes, such as judgements about my status, even though I may be an authority. I think it has to do with my self-esteem issues and years of abdicating authority, but by golly I feel pretty compelled to say I'm feelin' pretty durn preggers.
Immediately my mind rallies against this statement with thoughts like, "it's only going to get worse" or "you think you're pregnant now, just wait a few weeks." Any and all undermining comments that a real life bitch would volley in my direction, I seem to take care of myself.
Yes, I know that while I may be experiencing late pregnancy now the symptoms will only continue to escalate up until birth but that doesn't negate my current experience does it? For so long I've suppressed my feelings and opinions because of the awareness that I "don't have that much to complain about" or "other people have it far worse" but that's really just a invalidating bad habit.... right?
It's complicated and I'm still mulling over these thoughts (it's all pretty convoluted in my brain) but I think the right direction is owning my experience and sharing my thoughts and feelings regardless of the minimizing impulse I feel. So here goes....
I'm pretty sure this baby is migrating south. The past couple weeks have involved increasing pressure on my bladder (and more potty breaks) and a "zingy" sensation in my pubic region. I think it's referred to as "lightning crotch" in some circles and is caused by baby hitting certain nerves as he/she lowers further into my pelvis.
My cowboy-monkey waddle is getting more dramatic after longer periods of sitting or lying down. I'm sure I still waddle when I've been standing for a while but those first few minutes after sitting on the couch for a bit feel extra-crazy. Like sumo-stance/waddle/pubic bone explosion crazy.
I've also noticed that my once-a-day fiber supplementation is no longer cutting it. Not exactly joyous news but I've upped my fiber intake and it seems to be helping. On a similar note, I seem to be able to eat more-for a while I thought my portion capacity was limited and now I seem to have more room for food and am able to breathe more deeply (double yay!).
Not exactly a sign of baby moving down but of the end drawing near may be some anxiety of late, very specific anxiety focused on the hubby.
His work routine involves waking up shortly after 5 AM to get to work by 6 AM and lately I've been waking up, anxiously listening to him leave and then tossing and turning for hours trying to get back to sleep. More and more often I find myself haunted in these early hours by a fear or anxiety that he won't come home or simply dwelling on the fact that he's left. My rational mind can't make sense of it, it's simply a strong emotional blip on my mornings of late. I thought it would go away after last week (his first week back at work after the holiday break) but I guess not.
Well, that's a picture of pregnant Hannah at the moment. Oh! I should also mention my current pregnancy food fad... The hubbo and I got a joint birthday present from his parents (a panini press/griddle thing) and I took the opportunity to make one of my favorite sandwiches from Panera (one of my first jobs was at a Panera).
It's called a Sierra Turkey and is normally a cold sandwich but I like them grilled. Asiago bread, turkey, spring greens, red onions, and a spicy chipotle mayo. I've made quite a few at home now and have been adding a bit of cayenne to the mayo for extra kick (this baby sure loves spicy). Ahhh. Makes pregnant Hannah a happy pregnant Hannah :)
In other news, I've been trying to cut back on the sweets and super refined stuff in an attempt not to produce an overly chubby baby. At my last appointment the midwives said baby seems to be on the "high side of normal" size and cautioned against ice cream every night or lots of white, refined foods (not that I've been on a sweets bender just a little surge over the holidays). No news there but a little difficult lately since I've been craving comfort foods and they aren't exactly the highly nutritious variety!
Went on a walk for the first time in a long time, just me and Fio. It has been so gorgeous the last few days I had to get out there and enjoy the sunshine and blue skies. Fio was a bit of an a-hole, yanking and barking and lunging and generally making me want to tie him to a stop sign and walk off until he calmed down (no I don't actually do that-EVER). By the end of the walk he calmed down quite a bit and we had a memorable moment on the home stretch when a hummingbird hovered above us and chirruped rather noisily and scared Fio. It was pretty funny. That tiny bird sure put that fiesty poodle in his place! Even as we walked away the loud chirps made Fio's ears perk.
Millie and Iroh are doing well though I've noticed Millie is turning into quite the schmoozer. She didn't used to be such a treat hound but lately she's been working the circuit, gunning for the crunchy treats and the wet food. Gonna have to watch her or she'll balloon up! Guess she's not a kitten anymore, they grow up so fast :) Iroh certainly reaps the benefits of her newfound cat-ness haha
Immediately my mind rallies against this statement with thoughts like, "it's only going to get worse" or "you think you're pregnant now, just wait a few weeks." Any and all undermining comments that a real life bitch would volley in my direction, I seem to take care of myself.
Yes, I know that while I may be experiencing late pregnancy now the symptoms will only continue to escalate up until birth but that doesn't negate my current experience does it? For so long I've suppressed my feelings and opinions because of the awareness that I "don't have that much to complain about" or "other people have it far worse" but that's really just a invalidating bad habit.... right?
It's complicated and I'm still mulling over these thoughts (it's all pretty convoluted in my brain) but I think the right direction is owning my experience and sharing my thoughts and feelings regardless of the minimizing impulse I feel. So here goes....
I'm pretty sure this baby is migrating south. The past couple weeks have involved increasing pressure on my bladder (and more potty breaks) and a "zingy" sensation in my pubic region. I think it's referred to as "lightning crotch" in some circles and is caused by baby hitting certain nerves as he/she lowers further into my pelvis.
My cowboy-monkey waddle is getting more dramatic after longer periods of sitting or lying down. I'm sure I still waddle when I've been standing for a while but those first few minutes after sitting on the couch for a bit feel extra-crazy. Like sumo-stance/waddle/pubic bone explosion crazy.
I've also noticed that my once-a-day fiber supplementation is no longer cutting it. Not exactly joyous news but I've upped my fiber intake and it seems to be helping. On a similar note, I seem to be able to eat more-for a while I thought my portion capacity was limited and now I seem to have more room for food and am able to breathe more deeply (double yay!).
Not exactly a sign of baby moving down but of the end drawing near may be some anxiety of late, very specific anxiety focused on the hubby.
His work routine involves waking up shortly after 5 AM to get to work by 6 AM and lately I've been waking up, anxiously listening to him leave and then tossing and turning for hours trying to get back to sleep. More and more often I find myself haunted in these early hours by a fear or anxiety that he won't come home or simply dwelling on the fact that he's left. My rational mind can't make sense of it, it's simply a strong emotional blip on my mornings of late. I thought it would go away after last week (his first week back at work after the holiday break) but I guess not.
Well, that's a picture of pregnant Hannah at the moment. Oh! I should also mention my current pregnancy food fad... The hubbo and I got a joint birthday present from his parents (a panini press/griddle thing) and I took the opportunity to make one of my favorite sandwiches from Panera (one of my first jobs was at a Panera).
It's called a Sierra Turkey and is normally a cold sandwich but I like them grilled. Asiago bread, turkey, spring greens, red onions, and a spicy chipotle mayo. I've made quite a few at home now and have been adding a bit of cayenne to the mayo for extra kick (this baby sure loves spicy). Ahhh. Makes pregnant Hannah a happy pregnant Hannah :)
In other news, I've been trying to cut back on the sweets and super refined stuff in an attempt not to produce an overly chubby baby. At my last appointment the midwives said baby seems to be on the "high side of normal" size and cautioned against ice cream every night or lots of white, refined foods (not that I've been on a sweets bender just a little surge over the holidays). No news there but a little difficult lately since I've been craving comfort foods and they aren't exactly the highly nutritious variety!
Went on a walk for the first time in a long time, just me and Fio. It has been so gorgeous the last few days I had to get out there and enjoy the sunshine and blue skies. Fio was a bit of an a-hole, yanking and barking and lunging and generally making me want to tie him to a stop sign and walk off until he calmed down (no I don't actually do that-EVER). By the end of the walk he calmed down quite a bit and we had a memorable moment on the home stretch when a hummingbird hovered above us and chirruped rather noisily and scared Fio. It was pretty funny. That tiny bird sure put that fiesty poodle in his place! Even as we walked away the loud chirps made Fio's ears perk.
Millie and Iroh are doing well though I've noticed Millie is turning into quite the schmoozer. She didn't used to be such a treat hound but lately she's been working the circuit, gunning for the crunchy treats and the wet food. Gonna have to watch her or she'll balloon up! Guess she's not a kitten anymore, they grow up so fast :) Iroh certainly reaps the benefits of her newfound cat-ness haha
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
Limping Train?
When trying to encapsulate my status of late I imagined an animated train with a limp in it's roll. At first I thought it was impossible for something with wheels to "limp" but after some thought and Googlin' I'm convinced "limping train" is a just depiction. I'm still chugging along but it ain't smooth rolling.
My schedule has been an interesting mix of lazy days and bursts of activity. Quite often the busy moments wipe me out and I soon find myself perched upon my donut pillow with heating pad at my shoulders and my head lolling between sips of water and glances at a TV screen.
Lately I've been hit by pregnancy fatigue reminiscent of my 1st trimester but not quite as intense. When it strikes, it strikes hard just not as often as those first few months.
Earlier this week the hubby and I decided we'd go to the store. He took the dog for a potty break while I lurched up from the couch. This movement necessitated an immediate detour to the bathroom for my own potty break. I then waddled into the bedroom to change into street clothes.
Before I could select an outfit I felt a wave of tiredness and plopped onto the bed. Next thing ya know I was tucked into a pile of pillows under a hastily drawn swath of blankets. The hubster returned from giving the dog a break and wandered the apartment inquiring, "Hannah?" Eventually he found me, already pre-nap drooling. Sucking back a puddle of spit I let him know "I just need to lie down for a bit." He hit the lights and went back to the living room while I ended up taking an hour-and-a-half long nap.
Also making a return is the vicious hunger cycle of 1st tri. Don't get me wrong, during 2nd tri I would have to plan snacks and eat pretty often but it was easier to push the envelope and wait a bit longer between feedings. Now, there is no forgiving grace period. I wait too long to eat and a wave of nausea crashes down with vengeance. About 3 hours is the limit but sometimes I find myself hunting for food more often like an overzealous cow, grazing with gusto.
I've also had a few "am I gonna barf?" moments but have been able to hold it down for the most part. I did have a biley shower puke the other day because I opted to shower before eating something first thing in the morning. Won't do that again.
Add to all that the loosey goosey pelvis, flaring hemorrhoid, and muscle aches from carrying this ever-growing belly and I'm a delightful bundle of joy!
It wears on me trying to balance everything. All the symptoms, self-care, and eating mean that I can't attack a checklist like I used to and not being "productive" wears on my self-esteem. I'm also contending with late pregnancy anxiety and worrying about my ability to birth and raise a baby (like any mother-to-be) and feeling so rundown is a major confidence killer.
So, I've been a limpin' train. Day by day, hour by hour I'm chugging along at a gimpy jaunt, getting somewhere but not quite in the fashion I'd like. Not that I'm totally bummed out. I realize pregnancy isn't meant to an easy thing and I also realize that I've been doing pretty dang well. I think I've just come to one of those junctions where I have to consciously abandon the expectations and hopes that I once had.
No, I have not and will not glide through pregnancy and birth without a single complaint and that's okay.
No, I have not and will not have a symptom-free, heavenly pregnancy and birth without any discomfort and that's okay.
No, I have not and will not keep up with all my chores and errands and social obligations as I'd like and that's okay.
It hasn't been a cakewalk but I've still loved being pregnant and love carrying Inchy and watching him/her grow. Sure, the hubster and I have had our moments, had to grow ourselves-sometimes through bickering and tears-but we've met every challenge and cherished these special moments together even through the rocky sections. It isn't all pretty and rosy, but I feel blessed and grateful even with all the hardships (which I willingly and promptly admit haven't been all that bad).
With that said I enter the last two months of my pregnancy. Lots of scrambling to get everything ready but with the understanding that I just might need to take a nap at a moment ;)
My schedule has been an interesting mix of lazy days and bursts of activity. Quite often the busy moments wipe me out and I soon find myself perched upon my donut pillow with heating pad at my shoulders and my head lolling between sips of water and glances at a TV screen.
Lately I've been hit by pregnancy fatigue reminiscent of my 1st trimester but not quite as intense. When it strikes, it strikes hard just not as often as those first few months.
Earlier this week the hubby and I decided we'd go to the store. He took the dog for a potty break while I lurched up from the couch. This movement necessitated an immediate detour to the bathroom for my own potty break. I then waddled into the bedroom to change into street clothes.
Before I could select an outfit I felt a wave of tiredness and plopped onto the bed. Next thing ya know I was tucked into a pile of pillows under a hastily drawn swath of blankets. The hubster returned from giving the dog a break and wandered the apartment inquiring, "Hannah?" Eventually he found me, already pre-nap drooling. Sucking back a puddle of spit I let him know "I just need to lie down for a bit." He hit the lights and went back to the living room while I ended up taking an hour-and-a-half long nap.
Also making a return is the vicious hunger cycle of 1st tri. Don't get me wrong, during 2nd tri I would have to plan snacks and eat pretty often but it was easier to push the envelope and wait a bit longer between feedings. Now, there is no forgiving grace period. I wait too long to eat and a wave of nausea crashes down with vengeance. About 3 hours is the limit but sometimes I find myself hunting for food more often like an overzealous cow, grazing with gusto.
I've also had a few "am I gonna barf?" moments but have been able to hold it down for the most part. I did have a biley shower puke the other day because I opted to shower before eating something first thing in the morning. Won't do that again.
Add to all that the loosey goosey pelvis, flaring hemorrhoid, and muscle aches from carrying this ever-growing belly and I'm a delightful bundle of joy!
It wears on me trying to balance everything. All the symptoms, self-care, and eating mean that I can't attack a checklist like I used to and not being "productive" wears on my self-esteem. I'm also contending with late pregnancy anxiety and worrying about my ability to birth and raise a baby (like any mother-to-be) and feeling so rundown is a major confidence killer.
So, I've been a limpin' train. Day by day, hour by hour I'm chugging along at a gimpy jaunt, getting somewhere but not quite in the fashion I'd like. Not that I'm totally bummed out. I realize pregnancy isn't meant to an easy thing and I also realize that I've been doing pretty dang well. I think I've just come to one of those junctions where I have to consciously abandon the expectations and hopes that I once had.
No, I have not and will not glide through pregnancy and birth without a single complaint and that's okay.
No, I have not and will not have a symptom-free, heavenly pregnancy and birth without any discomfort and that's okay.
No, I have not and will not keep up with all my chores and errands and social obligations as I'd like and that's okay.
It hasn't been a cakewalk but I've still loved being pregnant and love carrying Inchy and watching him/her grow. Sure, the hubster and I have had our moments, had to grow ourselves-sometimes through bickering and tears-but we've met every challenge and cherished these special moments together even through the rocky sections. It isn't all pretty and rosy, but I feel blessed and grateful even with all the hardships (which I willingly and promptly admit haven't been all that bad).
With that said I enter the last two months of my pregnancy. Lots of scrambling to get everything ready but with the understanding that I just might need to take a nap at a moment ;)
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Family Are Still People
The last few days have involved quite a bit of anxious energy for me. I think it's the fallout from the holidays and all the extra socialization and travel. Since we've been back home I've been achy and sleepy and resting up a lot but my mind has been going a hundred miles a minute. Thinking over to-do lists for the next couple months before baby comes and even staring at holiday decorations that need packing away wondering how I'll manage it all. Feeling so drained makes any errand seem monumental!
Add to that emotional frenzy a proposed visit with my aunt/cousin that has caused so much anxiety in the past and I was downright loony yesterday! The poor hubster had quite a fury on his hands. Being in a vulnerable state already made me feel like my skin was crawling and made me distracted and irritable but the added stress triggered my guilt/shame reserves and low self-esteem so I started spouting off at the hubby right and left.
It was bad. I was like a mean comic that doesn't know when to stop, harping on him right and left, even shocking myself with the impressive barrage of teasing criticism. It was awful. He was hurt and confused and angry and I was off my rocker spiraling out of control but somehow we made it to a place where we could talk it out and I woke up today feeling much more stable.
Our talking it out involved a bedtime chat like usual and the hubster made a good point about family. Family isn't always something special or a free pass, family is just people.
With all the cliche, lovey dovey idealism around family units sometimes we lose track of the fact that we're all just humanoids mucking along the same territory. I get so wound up and guilted about "being there" and "being enough" and "doing the family thing" that I end up getting the spark sucked out of me instead of being nourished and supported by my family, and the hubbo pointed this out very well last night.
There comes a point where we can't just keep giving ourselves away and interacting in one-way relationships. There comes a point where it's okay to just be, just take care of ourselves and let the soul-sucking forces exist outside our bubble. It seems a bit cruel distancing from family that way, but the way it laid it out for me it made a lot of sense.
Unfortunately this seems to be a common theme in relationships for me. I've realized lately that my aunt and my cousin and even my best friend are pretty one-way; I give, they take. I'm tired of it. I sacrifice too much heart and energy to the worry and guilt. A few days ago I wrote a note to my bestie (we haven't texted much or really chatted since October I think) and I realized how many times before it's been me writing or texting or calling to reboot the relationship. And don't get me started on that last visit... Ugh.
With my aunt and cousin they don't initiate contact either. I also feel guilted, especially by my aunt less so by my cousin, for the state of the relationship and my lack of presence. For years I've felt so saddened by the entire thing and my aunt's poor health and negativity (not to mention the discomfort caused by her smoking) that visiting lost most if not all appeal.
Anyways. Today's visit with my mom, my cousin, his hubby and I went well. Sure, a little awkwardness and I sensed quite a bit of sadness with my cousin but I didn't feel guilted and I didn't come away totally drained. Although the visit to the mall with my mom was pretty exhausting for me! I think I underestimated the changes being 8 months pregnant brings, all that walking was quite the workout!
In other news, Fio's head wound is healing well though his butchered topknot makes him look like some Halloween character or brain transplant/implant experiment. Millie has been quite the busy miss patrolling the bathroom and butting in whenever the hubster or I are in there and bogarting my body pillow whenever possible. Iroh is doing well. Still has his rough days when his arthritic hips flare up but still hauls ass for any treats!
Taking it day by day and trying to give myself some leeway :)
Add to that emotional frenzy a proposed visit with my aunt/cousin that has caused so much anxiety in the past and I was downright loony yesterday! The poor hubster had quite a fury on his hands. Being in a vulnerable state already made me feel like my skin was crawling and made me distracted and irritable but the added stress triggered my guilt/shame reserves and low self-esteem so I started spouting off at the hubby right and left.
It was bad. I was like a mean comic that doesn't know when to stop, harping on him right and left, even shocking myself with the impressive barrage of teasing criticism. It was awful. He was hurt and confused and angry and I was off my rocker spiraling out of control but somehow we made it to a place where we could talk it out and I woke up today feeling much more stable.
Our talking it out involved a bedtime chat like usual and the hubster made a good point about family. Family isn't always something special or a free pass, family is just people.
With all the cliche, lovey dovey idealism around family units sometimes we lose track of the fact that we're all just humanoids mucking along the same territory. I get so wound up and guilted about "being there" and "being enough" and "doing the family thing" that I end up getting the spark sucked out of me instead of being nourished and supported by my family, and the hubbo pointed this out very well last night.
There comes a point where we can't just keep giving ourselves away and interacting in one-way relationships. There comes a point where it's okay to just be, just take care of ourselves and let the soul-sucking forces exist outside our bubble. It seems a bit cruel distancing from family that way, but the way it laid it out for me it made a lot of sense.
Unfortunately this seems to be a common theme in relationships for me. I've realized lately that my aunt and my cousin and even my best friend are pretty one-way; I give, they take. I'm tired of it. I sacrifice too much heart and energy to the worry and guilt. A few days ago I wrote a note to my bestie (we haven't texted much or really chatted since October I think) and I realized how many times before it's been me writing or texting or calling to reboot the relationship. And don't get me started on that last visit... Ugh.
With my aunt and cousin they don't initiate contact either. I also feel guilted, especially by my aunt less so by my cousin, for the state of the relationship and my lack of presence. For years I've felt so saddened by the entire thing and my aunt's poor health and negativity (not to mention the discomfort caused by her smoking) that visiting lost most if not all appeal.
Anyways. Today's visit with my mom, my cousin, his hubby and I went well. Sure, a little awkwardness and I sensed quite a bit of sadness with my cousin but I didn't feel guilted and I didn't come away totally drained. Although the visit to the mall with my mom was pretty exhausting for me! I think I underestimated the changes being 8 months pregnant brings, all that walking was quite the workout!
 |
| Me, my bump, and my bran flakes. Favorite cereal, hands down. Also, cute shirt Mom got me for Christmas. |
In other news, Fio's head wound is healing well though his butchered topknot makes him look like some Halloween character or brain transplant/implant experiment. Millie has been quite the busy miss patrolling the bathroom and butting in whenever the hubster or I are in there and bogarting my body pillow whenever possible. Iroh is doing well. Still has his rough days when his arthritic hips flare up but still hauls ass for any treats!
Taking it day by day and trying to give myself some leeway :)
Saturday, December 20, 2014
Still Chuggin Along
Last couple days of ornaments before Christmas and I'm so thankful the workload is slowing down! Just going in for a group(ish) makes me fidgety. I enjoy the challenging ornaments but I'm getting sick of the sheer volume stuff.
In other news, the hubby got a "thanks, but no thanks" from the interview he had last week. We were kinda bummed, kinda relieved. The idea of new baby, new job, relocation all at once was a bit overwhelming.
We've launched our baby shower invites and FB page and I'm excited :) We're doing a coed Bunco party and even though I'll be ~35 weeks pregnant, I'm excited to see friends and family for a good time.
My mood has been pretty positive despite frustration with the ornament scene and a bit of family drama/stress. There always seems to be a transitory fallout when we return from a visit, I just need to catch on and remember what's coming next time!
Funny tidbit.... I never ate strawberries before I was pregnant, and I actually craved some earlier this week! Kinda proud of myself for eating berries in their natural form-even raspberries earlier on in pregnancy-times are a changing!
Starting to prepare for the birth, feeling the end is near!
In other news, the hubby got a "thanks, but no thanks" from the interview he had last week. We were kinda bummed, kinda relieved. The idea of new baby, new job, relocation all at once was a bit overwhelming.
We've launched our baby shower invites and FB page and I'm excited :) We're doing a coed Bunco party and even though I'll be ~35 weeks pregnant, I'm excited to see friends and family for a good time.
My mood has been pretty positive despite frustration with the ornament scene and a bit of family drama/stress. There always seems to be a transitory fallout when we return from a visit, I just need to catch on and remember what's coming next time!
Funny tidbit.... I never ate strawberries before I was pregnant, and I actually craved some earlier this week! Kinda proud of myself for eating berries in their natural form-even raspberries earlier on in pregnancy-times are a changing!
Starting to prepare for the birth, feeling the end is near!
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