Klamath Falls Anniversary Trip

For our first anniversary we knew we wanted to take a little trip and it didn't take long for us to decide we'd like to go to Klamath Falls, OR again. Returning to our wedding site at Copper Creek Inn as a backup plan.

We left Fio with my parents and the cats had the apartment to themselves, which they seemed to enjoy quite well! Fio had a good time with his pitbull cousin too, at the very least a great workout!

The drive south went pretty smoothly and we made our traditional pit stop at the Woodburn Outlets before the longer haul through the mountains to Klamath Falls. Yeah, I still got cranky and a little crazy being in the car for that long, but we made it!

It was beautiful and the fall colors were brilliant. There was a chill in the air but most days were quite sunny and we even got a little burnt one afternoon hiking in the Lava Beds.

For our anniversary we had brunch at a local restaurant, WaffleHut, where they specialize in a special type of waffle called leige waffles (lee-age, with a soft 'g') which are delicious! We also opened cards and enjoyed a bottle of our wedding wine and then had tritip, mac 'n cheese, and roasted peppers like we had our last visit to Klamath Falls. We had our wedding cake lady make us one of her delicious blueberry-lemon creme pies.

Yum yum yum. Funny how celebrations the world over all involve FOOD.

Funny how they are all bird cards and two cards
are penguins like the sticker I put on the calendar!

During our stay we relaxed at the sauna, hot tub, and pool and we explored the Lava Beds and Crater Lake and we also vegged out in front of the TV.

We were also drawn in by our audiobook, although listening to a story about murders in National Parks kinda made the caves a little more creepy than usual! Little did we know it was part of a larger series, which lead to a few loose ends or unexplained references, but it worked out all right.

Crater Lake and the Lava Beds. We attempted the watchtower hike at Crate Lake but it was too icy and I said "hell no!" so we explored around Discovery Point trail and the visitor centers and earned some altitude-rasped, cooled throats even without a decent hike. At the Lava Beds we enjoyed totally different caves from our last visit including Valentine, Merrill, Blue Grotto, Ovis, Paradise Alley, and a hike out to Black Crater and a Modoc wars battle site. We saw deer, a rabbit, and even a bat (which we quietly left alone to his slumber).

In the end, we had a relaxing anniversary excursion with some successful outlet shopping and outdoor exploration. The trip home was a long one, but starting the day with WaffleHut, a pit stop and sammies along I-5, and dinner, card game, and coffee at my folks before the last leg of our journey home helped break up the day and prevent any decapitations (we all know I'd be the one to snap, let's face it). Kev wasn't immune to the car-cabin fever and travel weariness, but he was an endurance driving champ and an angel, as usual!

Framed!

Literally, we got our unity painting framed just in time for our anniversary :)

My Wedding

Okay. It's been a long time coming but here's the wedding recap :o)

Right after our ceremony at 9:30 am in Ashford, WA at Copper Creek Inn

Our wedding weekend extravaganza began on Thursday morning but I'll just take things from the day of, that Saturday. 

We woke up around 7:30 am and amazingly I was refreshed, well-slept, and ready to go. The fiance and I brewed some coffee and warmed up in front of the river stone fireplace while he finished up his vows. He presented me with my day-of gift-some beautiful aquamarine stud earrings *SPARKLY!* and I booted him out by 8:15 am. 

The unity painting prepared for the ceremony

Turned out a smaller curling iron makes it take at least twice as long to curl your hair but otherwise everything went smoothly and even though I wanted to be exactly on time, we may have been ten minutes late to the ceremony. 

Everyone was worried about the rain but except for a short shower that morning, there wasn't any rain falling. We even had breaks of blue sky during and shortly after the ceremony. 

Throughout the ceremony I kept thinking to myself, "This is perfect. I wouldn't change everything, everything is perfect!" Our fathers' each gave a little speech/reading and our unity painting went well and everyone seemed to enjoy the show. 

Our finished painting with the branches and trunk painted during the ceremony

My sister did my flowers and I LOVED my bouquet. She even worked in pheasant feathers for me and 13 tulips (favorite number and favorite flower) and the amaranthus was perfectly quirky and whimsical. 

Following the ceremony we snapped some pictures before heading indoors to sign the documents and make the marriage official. We munched some muffins and took some more pictures before different factions broke off for relaxation and games or reception prepping. 

The pinata my bestie and I made for my hubby to bust apart

The hubby, photographer, my best friend, and I went into Mt. Rainier Nat'l Park for some couple shots and it was snowy! We had lots of fun tromping around all dressed up and checking out the snowy park we had last seen in the summer sun. A Stellar's Jay even flew onto a branch near us (one of my favorite birds).

After that we had tea, played Farkle, and relaxed a bit before the reception. 

The weather took a turn for the worse, but I didn't really notice or care. We had about 50 people at the reception and even though it was raining everyone seemed to enjoy the food and decorations in high spirits. The food was amazing! Smoked turkey, fried macaroni & cheese, and baked beans-delicious. 

Our cake was also amazing. I didn't get any pictures myself but it was a cute three tier with ferns and acorns and mushrooms. The hubby had a groom's cake with a National Forest road sign, complete with chocolate rocks! The flavors were awesome-Italian cream cake, strawberry shortcake cake, white cake and raspberry mouse, and white chocolate raspberry cheesecake. 

The reception was somewhat derailed by a dip in the temperature and a short snowfall (I was delighted while most people seem mortified haha) we had our toasts and cake before the reception seemed to fall apart and people ran to their cars and left or took cover in the lodge. Most people just left and unfortunately those that stayed in the lodge didn't stay long enough to see the reception get back on track.

Eventually we had our first dance and daddy/daughter dance and demolished the pinatas. After a short hot tubbing break we returned to the lodge for games and a snack before returning to our cabin for the night. We we shocked to find our beater decked out in ribbons and hearts proclaiming us as newlyweds-there were even cans wired onto the back!!!

Even with the crazy weather and disorder, I wouldn't have changed a thing. The hubby and I had a great time and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. I didn't want an overly-formal reception and although we didn't expect the snow flurry to upset our plans I enjoyed the laid back approach we took to "make it work."

And now, I am Mrs. Hannah W-------!

Oh yeah.... Blog!

Well, it's been awhile! I have been busy, but not that busy. The real thing is that I've been mulling and thinking and unsure what to share.

The wedding is barreling toward us and I've been facing some feelings I didn't really expect.

I'm a minimizer. When I have bad feelings I assume that I've done something wrong. It's a tough lesson accepting that someone wronged me and trying to cope with the feelings it gives me-I just don't know what to do! It makes me feel selfish and whiny and worthless, but I'm trying to embrace my self worth and realize that my feelings are valid.


So what is this all about?

I've been feeling like a D-list bride.

D-list (n) Definition: a group considered below all others, considered below all standards

My conditioned response is to chastise myself, feel shame and call myself selfish. I shove my feelings in the closet and try to ignore the sadness, which usually results in binge eating or misdirected anger-but that's my status quo.

I was feeling a little down about my wedding experience so far when I went to my first dress fitting and became aware of some regret regarding my dress.

It's a beautiful dress and I love it, but it didn't feel like a decision I made for myself. It is pretty traditional and I wanted something a little funky. My fiance says I got steamrolled and I didn't even realize it until he mentioned something.

My fiance helped me pick out a reception dress that is more "me" and I felt bridal for the first time-but that wasn't the real moment I realized I'd been missing out. I realized I'd been missing out when we had our cake tasting at my bestie's house.

I felt spoiled. I felt like my opinion really mattered. I was happy to share the experience with my best friend and her husband, but I didn't feel pressured. It was fun and unlike anything I'd ever experienced, being surrounded by people interested in my opinion and not caring about crowd pleasing or saving face or expectations.

After that the cogs starting turning and strange feelings descended upon me. It took a few days, but it dawned on me that I was disappointed with my bridal shower. In addition, I've been struggling to get help from my family with certain wedding projects and I began to realize how snubbed I really felt.


I don't feel special. I don't feel like a bride. I feel like the same old Hannah taking care of everything and worrying about everyone else. I'm sick of it.

If I don't get help with things-so be it. If people think I'm too oddball or asking for too much-yeah right! My standards are still exceptionally low the only change is that I've raised them from rock bottom by about two notches.

If I can only feel special with certain friends and my fiance, then I'll lean on them even more and ignore the negativity.

This is a once in a lifetime opportunity and I'm not going to minimize it away, suppress my needs and waste the opportunity. I'm a bride just this once and as much as I've tried to rationalize it away into something "not so important" the reality is that it does mean something to me and I want to remember it well.

I give myself permission to be special, spoiled, and sparkly.

Bring on the mimosas!

Labor Day Post C

Pleasant surprises from the fiance today...

You know when you feel jilted or stepped on/offended and then that person who seemed to have no clue they had hurt you turns around and suddenly apologizes and makes you feel like a million bucks?

Yeah, he did that today :o) My $16 outfit he didn't seem to notice, he noticed, and he made it feel like Versace! (I know so little fashion I'm not even sure that's spelled correctly!)

Then, just now, we were watching "27 Dresses" after he had resisted partaking for nearly a week and he was laughing! Actually getting into one of my girly fun frufru movies and he said, "Well, those rom-coms do that to ya, they sneak up on ya." Haha

It was adorable watching him getting sneak-attacked by a rom-com, especially because they're so much more fun to watch with someone else :o)

It got me in more of a wedding mood, although I must say I think there is a gross exaggeration by the media about it "being the bride's day." Maybe it's just how I was raised but I expect to be putting out fires and running around like a chicken with my head cutoff the entire time, I don't know where all this "bride worship" came from! Maybe I'm just too worried about taking care of everyone else? Afraid of being taken for a bridezilla?

I don't know. Whatever it is, it's exhausting. Must be wedding flu.

Labor Day Post B

In addition to a wonderful walk the fiance and I explored some of my anxiety over my upcoming bridal shower.

I was a little surprised to feel such an intense physical reaction to the topic.

The pain is a dull sucking ache in the center of my chest, like a melon baller scooped out my heart center and left a yawning void. A lump in my throat and had a hard time breathing accompanied the aches.

After a little discussion my mind took me back to a party thrown for me ten years ago...

It was my thirteenth birthday (I'm pretty sure, but not certain) and my dad and I spent a good chunk of the day in Seattle. We went up in the Space Needle and I almost made myself sick watching the ground swoosh up past me when we descended in the elevator.

It was a wonderful time and I cherish the memory, but when we returned to the house my memories are a little less welcome.

Upon entering I was shocked to find a large gathering and surprise party in my honor. I was so overwhelmed and shocked and grateful that I began to cry and ran upstairs to my room embarrassed. My mother followed me and chastised me for not thanking my guests, telling me to pull myself together and get back downstairs.

I still carry the pain from that brief moment so many years ago. Who knows how I would've handled myself had my mother given me time to compose myself and come downstairs on my own-but her reaction as it occurred has haunted me for a long time.

Now I'm anxious about the bridal shower my mother is hosting. Having parties hosted for me or receiving gifts has been hard for me for years between memories of that day and an overwhelming since of guilt and feeling I don't deserve that which is bestowed on me.

I'm nervous about interacting with the guests and being the center of attention as well as potential chafing comments from my mother. But expecting the worst will get me nowhere.

I just have to do my best. Be genuine and let any hurtful comments roll of my back. I am genuinely grateful for what I receive and while I struggle to feel like I deserve such nice things, I don't need to feel even worse because someone else has conflicting feelings themselves or doesn't understand me.

*deep breaths* I'm just gonna be me! And if that isn't enough I'll pop the good ole Xanax!

Playing Our Hand

The fiance and I were enjoying a game of Progressive Rummy-as we often do-and we had a funny, bittersweet moment that went something like this....

"You know what's funny?" I asked as I discarded a two of hearts and sat back in my chair.

"This?" he replied as he drew a playing card and emptied his hand onto the table. He laughed as I slumped, jotted down points and scooped the cards up to shuffle for the next hand.

"I was just thinking that if we hadn't gone to California we could have afforded a honeymoon." I smirked and gazed wistfully into his eyes.

Gazing lovingly back he laughed, "Yeah, that occurred me on the flight back home."

The trip had been more pain than pleasure and the only perk had been some quality time with his parents, which we could have got for much cheaper here in Washington. We couldn't really afford the airfare just as we couldn't afford to drive there, but we both thought making it to his sister's wedding was more important than maintaining a positive balance in our bank accounts.

"Well, we're good people." I sighed and shuffled.

"Yeah," he chuckled, "and that will make our honeymoon all the sweeter when we finally get around to it."

"Yeah." I smiled and dealt the cards.

It might be years or just months, but when we get our honeymoon, by golly, it'll be a good one! We'll have a honeymoon at home this October with our pets and hometown favorites in addition to a fun wedding weekend!

And that, my friends, is how we're playing our hand.

;o)

Oh Yeah!

This project turned out GREAT!

The fiance and I made these "make your own prayer flags" for our guests to do at our reception.

We made one sample banner (which is adorable) and then we have a variety of prayer flag colors for our guests to choose from.

The checklist is shrinking, but remains a formidable entity! Life will get a lot more boring after the wedding and all the projects are finished~or will it? Guess we'll see :o)

Ruff

I'm really glad to have Fio lately. Sure, he's a work in progress and still a little unruly at times but he's a big help when I'm home alone and feeling down.

And sadly, those down feelings have been haunting me lately.

It's not quite my usual debilitating depression but a stalking negativity that paralyzes me. I feel almost paranoid the way these thoughts keep recurring.

And it's not just self-harming, suicidal thoughts and hopelessness. It's feeling bad about the housekeeping and having too much junk and been worried about my treatment plan's effectiveness. It's weird because I've been more social and active than ever these last few weeks, but my heart is weak.

In therapy we've been talking about a deep, deep feeling of worthlessness and shame. I've been too afraid to confront the feeling before and in the past I've been able to placate my fears with superficial achievement in school or work. Now I don't have that band-aid. I simply AM and I don't see just Hannah as very worthwhile.

The sad part is I'm not a bump on a log. I've been churning out wedding decor and exercising and doing productive things, but my band-aid isn't working like it used to. I've lost my defenses and I have no back-up plan.

I'm bare. I'm raw. I'm broken. And I'm painfully aware of it without a way to cope.

I feel so vulnerable right now and confused, hurting and alone. The fiance tries to be supportive but I can't explain it and he doesn't understand what is going on-it's not the normal schtick and even if it was I think we're all sick of that by now.

Egh, before I slide into a muddy pit of despair I'm going to cut myself off. Maybe my next post will be about all the trippy dreams I'm having lately? Last night I got some bulky piece of an electronic tablet stuck under my upper lip and had to find a surgeon in Disneyland!

Life At The Moment.

Life is a little rough at the moment. Not rocky road, but definitely not velvet.

The wedding is moving along and our pets are happy and healthy. The only wrench in our gears is finances. Well, the lack thereof.

We did however manage to scrape together some money to buy a used cat condo off my BFF for the kitties. They love it!

Millie has been a little territorial and pushed Iroh out of his little house a couple times, but overall they nap nicely together with Millie on the roof like Woodstock and Iroh in the house like Snoopy.

Some gorgeous hydrangea from my future mother-in-law's garden and my cutie pie, Millie.

So money is tight, nerves are frayed, and blood pressure is up. I feel trapped and don't know how to cope with failure-or feeling like a loser at least. I've never been in that position, and if I have been I've been suicidal or so down on myself I never learned how to deal with regular ole hard times.

In more important news I have a 5K to run in a couple weeks. Seriously. My legs are killing me. It's as if someone replaced my jumbo calves with jumbo pain organs!

Next Monday boot camp @ the Y starts and on the 12th I run the 5K in Seattle and then the week after the run I have a dress fitting in Alderwood.

August-here I come.

Wedding Mania

Give me an 8-pack of white poster board and this is what you get...

A bathroom sign with some of our favorite characters...

Mike from Monsters Inc., a kodama from Princess Mononoke, Mal from Firefly, Turniphead from Howl's Moving Castle, The Dude from The Big Lebowski, Big Bird, Barney, The Golden Girls, Yoda, Uncle Iroh from Avatar, and Spock.

A welcome sign with our forest friends...

Smokey the Bear, Ranger Rick, and Woodsy Owl!

An informative sign about prayer flags, a timeline of the reception's events, and a trail guide-meets-board game list of activities....

I sure got some use outta those <$2 Crayola markers. Aaahhh my inner child is sure happy :)

What Am I Letting Go?

Considering all the intense feelings around my wedding of late I thought I would type down some of my plans and try to hammer down what I wanted and what I expect and what I hope for.

*the wanted*


Originally I wanted a small wedding. A ceremony with select family and friends amounting to less than 25 people and a reception with a few more friends but still well below 50 people.

The fiance and I were planning on a homey, semi-informal reception with table games, a little dancing, cocoa, coffee, and tea. A pinata throw down between myself and the fiance. No booze, little formality, and not a DJ in sight.

Myself, my sis, bff, Mom, and other gal pals making the cake.

We were planning on an outdoor, morning ceremony with an early afternoon reception so we could catch an evening flight off the continent to some faraway honeymoon spot.

*the expected*


Now we have our morning ceremony planned on grounds where my parents have rented out a slew of cabins with hot tubs and fire rings and room for a buffet, dance floor, and possibly a live band for later in the evening.

The ceremony will have right around 25 people in attendance and the reception at 3ish in the afternoon will add at least 50 more. We'll be having a champagne toast and hiding the beer until darkness falls. Although I wouldn't be shocked to see people drinking at dinner and into the night.

We have table games to be placed at the tables and are compiling a list of songs for our playlist. Pinata death match is planned and I designed a door prize game with cartoon versions of the newlyweds for our guests to vote on.

The core group of ceremony guests will be staying on the grounds the night before and night of the ceremony. The fiance and I were going to be up early Sunday to get to the airport but now it looks like we'll have a relaxed brunch before heading home to Jet City.

*the hoped for*


I hope the whole thing doesn't get to feeling too big for its britches. I detest the forced formality at most weddings. I suppose I get this from my limited experience and TV exposure to weddings where regular down-home folk try to evoke the perceived glory of vaunted celeb and TV weddings.

I hope to avoid awkward social moments as much as possible even though I know that's next to impossible! Even the limited guest list we had in mind during early planning wouldn't guarantee smooth sailing :o)

I think I glorified the small, intimate wedding as being more personal and authentic. I'm afraid that a larger affair will diminish the ... well, the "sacred." It's hard to put in words but something feels strange to me about traditional mucho grande weddings... Like they are less meaningful in some way? At least to me it feels that way.

Hopefully I'll gain insight to that later. I'm sure I'm not the only one but I'm also sure that they feel just right to other people....

Hmpf. Those are some of my thoughts. And now, I shall poop the pooch as he seems to be doing his "gotta go" dance!

Reality

This year seems to be about reality. Not that I'm in the trenches or experiencing "life on the streets" or some other cinematic awakening 'real life' experience. I just see a pattern developing that I struggle and eventually come to accept the reality of my situation and try and move on....

It's not fun. It sucks. It's sad. It's hard.

There's so much about it that feels like giving up on dreams. If you haven't figured it out yet, I'm big on dreams and fantastical thoughts and wonders. Accepting that I can't do something about a given situation is not an easy egg for me to sit on!

What I really want to talk about is last night.

Last night I gave up on having a honeymoon. The reality of our financial situation is that we aren't going anywhere. I've felt a foreboding feeling for weeks but didn't really accept the reality until last night.

It feels terrible. Like admitting defeat and accepting a heartbreak unto yourself all at once. I feel ashamed and sad.

I know that I couldn't really help going off the deep end, a lot of that had to do with medications messing with my system, but my depression problems seem to be the root of all evil when it comes to our financial problems.

I feel like my depression has ruined my wedding and my honeymoon and ripped the dream right out from underneath my feet. That's not to say that I won't have a great wedding and a lovely at-home honeymoon, but it's an acknowledgement of a loss.

Farewell, wedding dreams. Rest in peace. I resign myself to join the masses of women that have watched their wedding plans disintegrate and mutate before their eyes. I'll have a good wedding, I just feel defeated at having let my wedding slip through my fingers.

I guess most of that shame is because I still feel-deep down-that it's my fault. The depression, the budget going bonkers, the mish-mashed priorities. Somehow I think that if I had kept myself together I could have worked everything out better. It definitely isn't comfortable feeling myself and my health put to the front of the line when I historically prefer to hide behind other to-do list items.

I need to forgive myself. No one else seems to be upset over how things are turning out-and it seems to shaping into a nice affair-I just have to accept the reality and that I cannot change what will be or what led us to this place.

That's reality. Not to say that things can't change, but part of reality is accepting the whole truth of a situation and not denying or painting a rosy picture. Things didn't turn out the way we wanted. That's that.

Ugh. Feelings are such a pain in the ass sometimes.

Say What?

Funny how when you plunk down at therapy and say not much happened you end up having a pretty insightful, intense session!

Turns out constantly censoring and sanitizing whatever you say isn't actually natural. Apparently speaking your mind is natural and OKAY! It's happened a couple times when I've been with my fiance and words spurt from my mouth without running through my mind first-otherwise I wouldn't know what it feels like!

Why did this come up?

While the fiance and I were visiting my folks and getting my brakes fixed I found the wedding invites and Mother's Day card I sent home with my dad a couple weeks back. Turns out he hasn't addressed the invites and sent them out AND he didn't give Mom her Mother's Day card.

I was pissed.

The topper-I actually expressed my anger.

The catch-the fiance and I were alone in my parents' house.

I've been trying to stop myself from suppressing my emotions and "fixing" everything. It was a big step for me to delegate the invites to my Dad and I had anxiety about them not getting done. Then I find them untouched and my fears are confirmed. Not the happiest moment in my life but it was actually a good growth opportunity.

Even though I wasn't able to express my feelings to my parents I did let them out, which is a good step-a big step for me. Graduating to conveying my feelings to people other than my most-trusted fiance will be a work in progress but luckily therapy gave me some insight and direction on this quest!

A big issue I discovered was that I take responsibility for others' feelings. I prevent myself from expressing my feelings because I'm afraid of the ramifications. I also have a huge "fixer" complex and very sensitive guilt gland so I tend to throw myself under the bus to try and prevent others' from what I predict to be their future emotions.

But I'm a big girl now. I need to know that my emotions are individual and independent from other peoples' and that my emotions are my valid just like other peoples' emotions are valid! It's a two way street, if I can be empathetic and understanding towards others they can be the same to me-and if they aren't, oh well.

It's a complex, confusing, deep-seeded issue for me but it was a very welcome and happy discovery. I can be self-assured and confident and genuine with my feelings and welcome people to join the party. It's okay to be ME!

APRIL Comes in Like a Lion

April 1st the fiance and I went on a day trip to Bellingham to visit/meet one of my old bankin' girlfriends for brunch and see the town.

I was excited to see my friend and we chatted up a storm but things between me and the fiance were a bit tense. Well, mostly I was pretty tense and picked a fight about turn signal use on freeways and then he got tense and even more tense after the poor service at the restaurant. At least the food was great-check out Bayou on Bay-hopefully we just got the C-line waiters or something.

Anywho, we ended up in one of those intense, long talks about the wedding and how I feel so attached to the wedding planning as a reflection on myself. I basically said, "I'm done." No more wedding planning. I may make some decorations but I ain't plannin' and I ain't worrying. My main concern with the wedding will be purging the worries from my thoughts!

The next day I completely missed therapy. I set alarms and was set to leave the house "right on time" when my phone's clock displayed 2:20 and not 1:20. Double checked the times on the microwave and computer and realized that I was a whole hour off schedule.

Luckily there had been an appointment cancelled for that evening and the fiance accompanied down to Seattle for my therapy session. Once again I was tense and agitated and soon quivering with anger and frustration. I was ready to go to therapy and explain to my therapist how pointless all this effort was and that we should just recognize I'm a dead-girl walking and let me go to my death and save everyone else the trouble of dealing with my disease.

Didn't quite turn out that way.

I actually began the session in a curled up, quivering ball of rage that quickly devolved into snot and tears. Straight talk was too intense so the entire session was carried out in complex metaphors. There was one about a fawn in a field surrounded by dark woods and another about a room full of people that were actually safes lumbering around with painful memories and hurt secreted away in their locked compartments.

It was all a little kooky and I can't imagine being in the fiance's position of sitting there and watching the whole performance, but it got me turned around and I definitely felt lighter afterward.

My mother came up to visit the next day after I had met my ornament friend for a yoga class. The next couple days Mom helped me clean the apartment and get some momentum going by keeping me out of the house and awake all day helping her find her MOB dress for the wedding.

We found the dress and on Thursday I had a good session at PAWS while today I was able to get out for a short walk by the lake AND do laundry enough to see the bottom of the clothes hamper!

March was a rough, rough month and April got off to a rocky start as well-but I think I sense a bit of my tension dissipating and a little more fire kindling in my soul. 

Bye, March!

Well, there went March. It started out pretty productive but then screeched to a halt when my mental health decided I wasn't quite ready to run on all cylinders quite yet.

It's been a rough month but I did have my first glimmers of hope returning earlier this week while hanging out with my fiance and best friend (she was in town training future coworkers). Until that night I hadn't really had much hope regarding the future and I was simply avoid thinking about the future. Since then I haven't been skipping on rainbows but it was a mile marker to be noticed and appreciated.

I had intended to be sending out wedding invites this upcoming week but considering we don't have any locations locked in or a list of invitees' addresses or a complete and final guest list to begin with-I won't be visiting the post office anytime soon.

$%&#

*deep breath*

My standards are far too high. That makes me bristle to say but I need to lower my expectations of myself and others or I'm going to drive myself into the ground. If I get married in a highway median-so be it-things will most likely fall into place with or without my input.

*deep breath*

It's very stressful for me to let go of things (especially my wedding) and hand over my "project" to someone else. Like most everything I produce or put my two cents into I believe it reflects upon me and I feel the same about the wedding. It's scary to let it go, trash my timeline and expectations and just hope that it all comes together.

Really not my style but I don't really have a choice. I can hardly discuss the wedding with panic breaking over me-tightening my chest, swelling my temples, and shortening my breath.

*deep breath*

After all, who really cares what others think? Big freaking deal-it's a wedding folks. They happen everyday all over the place in a million different ways and you'll hardly remember the majority of it in the long run. I just have to hold onto what's really important-marrying my fiance.

That's the core of the entire ordeal and the only thing that really matters. Become legally married to my soul mate-achieve this and the day will be a success.

In other news I've been listening to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes and have loved every minute of it! I'm not a huge fan of the Downey Jr. movies but the original text is wonderful.