Ruff

I'm really glad to have Fio lately. Sure, he's a work in progress and still a little unruly at times but he's a big help when I'm home alone and feeling down.

And sadly, those down feelings have been haunting me lately.

It's not quite my usual debilitating depression but a stalking negativity that paralyzes me. I feel almost paranoid the way these thoughts keep recurring.

And it's not just self-harming, suicidal thoughts and hopelessness. It's feeling bad about the housekeeping and having too much junk and been worried about my treatment plan's effectiveness. It's weird because I've been more social and active than ever these last few weeks, but my heart is weak.

In therapy we've been talking about a deep, deep feeling of worthlessness and shame. I've been too afraid to confront the feeling before and in the past I've been able to placate my fears with superficial achievement in school or work. Now I don't have that band-aid. I simply AM and I don't see just Hannah as very worthwhile.

The sad part is I'm not a bump on a log. I've been churning out wedding decor and exercising and doing productive things, but my band-aid isn't working like it used to. I've lost my defenses and I have no back-up plan.

I'm bare. I'm raw. I'm broken. And I'm painfully aware of it without a way to cope.

I feel so vulnerable right now and confused, hurting and alone. The fiance tries to be supportive but I can't explain it and he doesn't understand what is going on-it's not the normal schtick and even if it was I think we're all sick of that by now.

Egh, before I slide into a muddy pit of despair I'm going to cut myself off. Maybe my next post will be about all the trippy dreams I'm having lately? Last night I got some bulky piece of an electronic tablet stuck under my upper lip and had to find a surgeon in Disneyland!